The Man with Two Brains
- [Grabbing an expensive vase during a marital spat] Our marriage lies broken on the floor, like the shards of glass on our honeymoon suite! [He slams the vase to the ground, but it bounces back up into his hands.] Ahhh! Oh-ho! 19th-Century Indian rubber vase, eh?!
[After Dolores finally consummates her marriage to Dr. Hfuhruhurr…]
- I never knew it could be like that! [sighs] So… so… professional!
- [A recurring scene in the operating room…]
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Metzenbaum scissors!
- Nurse: Metzenbaum scissors!
- [A cat meows.]
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Get that cat out of here!
- [Dr. Brandon is arguing with Dr. Hfuhruhurr about his performing the operation on Dolores.]
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: But there's only one other person I'd trust to perform this operation — Beckerman!
- Dr. Brandon: Well Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe! You know that!
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Exactly! Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away!
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence!
- Dr. Necessiter: Nonsense! If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it!
- [Dr. Hfuhruhurr is rowing with Anne's enjarred brain, complete with sunhat and sunglasses, along an idyllic creek.]
- Anne Uumellmahaye: I don't think there's a girl floating in any jar anywhere who's as happy as I am! Oh, Michael, you do so much for me, and I do nothing for you!
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Are you out of your head? [pauses] Sorry, I forgot.
- [Dr. Hfuhruhurr removes Anne's brain from the oven Dolores tried to bake her in. He tries to cool her off in the sink.]
- Anne Uumellmahaye: I… I think I'm alright.
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: Count to ten!
- Anne Uumellmahaye: 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… [pause] 10.
- [Dr. Hfuhruhurr turns to Dolores in a rage.]
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: You! You cooked her nines!
- [As the police try to stop the experiment…]
- Inspector: You are playing God!
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: SOMEBODY has to!
- [Dr. Hfuhruhurr is arguing with Delores.]
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: [Exasperated] Dolores, I am making a citizen's divorce.
- Dolores: [laughing] What?
- Dr. Hfuhruhurr: By the powers vested in me, I hereby declare our marriage null and void! E pluribus unum!
- Steve Martin as Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr
- Kathleen Turner as Dolores Benedict
- David Warner as Dr. Alfred Necessiter
- Sissy Spacek as Anne Uumellmahaye (voice; uncredited)