The Monster Squad

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The Monster Squad is a 1987 film about a young group of monster fans who attempt to save their hometown from Count Dracula and his monsters.

Directed by Fred Dekker. Written by Shane Black and Fred Dekker.
You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?  (taglines)


[Sean and Patrick are walking home from school]
Sean: Wolf Man can not drive a car.
Patrick: Yes, he can.
Sean: No, he can't.
Patrick: Yes, he can; look, all I'm saying is, Sean, he could if he had to.
Sean: He could not! You're being such a dork!
Patrick: I know you are, but what am I?
Sean: A dork.
Patrick: I know you are, but what am I?
Sean: [sees his younger sister Phoebe approach and eventually join them] Oh great, Phoebe. [Then, to Patrick once again] A dork.
Patrick: I know you are, but what am I?
Sean: A dork.
Patrick: I know you are, but what am I?
Sean: [annoyed] Infinity! Look, Wolf Man doesn't go to work. He's not like a guy.
Patrick: What're you talking about? He walks around, he wears pants.
Sean: He had to wear pants, those movies were made in the Forties! He had to wear 'em so you wouldn't see his......wolf dork! [He and Phoebe walk on ahead]
Patrick: [comes to a complete halt and lifts his sunglasses to stare at Sean in disbelief. Then, incredulously...] "Wolf dork"?!

Patrick: [about Scary German Guy] Maybe he's a German spy.
Sean: Oh good one! We're not at war with Germany anymore.
Phoebe: We're at war with Vietnam.
Sean: What?
Phoebe: It's in Rambo!
[Horace suddenly appears, startling Sean, Patrick, and Phoebe]
Horace: You guys, guess what happened!
Sean: [collects himself] Whoa, Fat Kid...
Horace: Rudy saved my life! Do you think we can talk him into joining the monster club? Can we?
[Sean, Patrick, Phoebe, and Horace all look over to where Rudy is sitting on his bicycle. Then...]
Sean: Huddle.
[The four of them huddle up]
Patrick: Sean, he's in junior high.
Phoebe: I heard he killed his dad.
Horace: Get outta here, "Phoebe the Feeb"!
[Phoebe pouts and walks away]
Sean: We should let him in on one condition...
[The three boys look at Rudy, then back at each other]
Sean/Patrick/Horace: [in unison] Monster test.

Scary German Guy: [as Sean, Patrick, and Horace are leaving Scary German Guy's house] I expect you boys thought I was some kind of monster myself, mm? A vampire, perhaps? That's quite all right. But I am not, you know. If I were a vampire, then I wouldn't have a reflection... [points to mirror, where he is clearly visible] ... now would I?
Horace: Man, you sure know a lot about monsters.
Scary German Guy: Now that you mention it, I suppose I do. [Scary German Guy closes door, revealing a concentration camp tattoo on his wrist]

[The Wolf Man is advancing on Sean, Horace, and Eugene]
Sean: [To Horace] Kick him in the nards!
Horace: What?!
Horace: He doesn't have nards!
Sean: [frantically] Do it, DO IT!!!
[Horace kicks the Wolf Man in the groin, causing him to fall and groan in pain]
Horace: [awestruck] Wolf Man's got nards!

[Horace has shot the Gillman dead]
E.J.: Hey, Fat Kid! Good job!
Horace: My name...Is Horace! [cocks shotgun]


  • You know who to call when you have ghosts. But who do you call when you have monsters?
  • Call them for a monstrously good time.
  • The end of the world starts at midnight.
  • Never send a man to do a kid's job.
  • Every 100 years, the forces of darkness arise to challenge the forces of light for control of all mankind. This is the year. Tonight is the night. But this time, Dracula has bitten off more than he can chew.


  • The cult surprised me. I didn't even realise it had been successful. I loved it, I had fun working on it and it was one of the first things I'd ever written. And it wasn't just that it wasn't a hit - it was a huge failure. No one saw it. I don't know how on earth it caught on years later.
  • It would be interesting to have two movies - one The Monster Squad, and one The Monster Squad and they're 30 years apart and so are the kids; the characters have aged. As long as people understood that's what we're doing, I think that could be fun. That's a good idea.


  • Andre Gower — Sean Crenshaw
  • Robby Kiger — Patrick Rhodes
  • Brent Chalem — Horace
  • Ryan Lambert — Rudy Halloran
  • Michael Faustino — Eugene
  • Ashley Bank — Phoebe "Feeb" Crenshaw
  • Duncan Regehr — Count Dracula
  • Tom Noonan — Frankenstein's monster
  • Carl Thibault — the Wolf Man
  • Tom Woodruff Jr. — the Gill-man
  • Michael MacKay — the Mummy
  • Jonathan Gries — Desperate Man/The Wolfman
  • Stephen Macht — Detective Del Crenshaw
  • Mary Ellen Trainor — Emily Crenshaw
  • Jack Gwillim — Dr. Abraham Van Helsing
Wikipedia has an article about: