The Muppets (film)
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- Directed by James Bobin. Produced by David Hoberman and Todd Lieberman. Written by Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller.
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Kermit the Frog
- [Gary had shown up after the dance number]
- Gary: Sorry. I was super excited.
- Kermit the Frog: I just thought maybe we could raise the money to buy the theater back if we all got together and put on one last show.
- Fozzie Bear: A show? But I've spent years building a solo career! I have a whole new show-biz family that loves me--
- Miss Poogy: [opens the door] Fozzie! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING, HIBERNATIN'?! NEXT SHOW STARTS IN 30 SECONDS! We hired you, and WE CAN FIRE YOU, SO GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE NOW! [slams the door]
- Fozzie Bear: [to Kermit] They terrify me. Let's go.
- [Kermit had just convinced Animal to drum again]
- Animal: In control.
- Jack Black: Good. I'm Animal's court-appointed sponsor. We don't use the D-R-U-M word. It's his trigger word.
- Kermit the Frog: His "trigger word"?
- Gary: Excuse me, Mr. Black. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but it's very important that these guys get their drummer-- [Jack Black punches Gary]
- Walter: Gary!
- Jack Black: It's my trigger word, too.
- Moderator: Jack, we talked about this on Tuesday.
- Jack Black: Tuesday's another one of my TRIGGER WORDS! [punches a classmate]
- Moderator: I DON'T THINK SO! [punches Jack Black] Sorry.
- [Hosting a political news segment]
- Sam the Eagle: Welcome to this week's edition of "Everything Stinks"! [the other Muppets pull him offscreen with a hooked cane, Vaudeville style]
- [Tex and Uncle Deadly are atop the Muppet Theater with a pair of boltcutters about to shut off the power]
- Tex Richman: To the end of the Muppets! [Uncle Deadly grabs the boltcutters to stop Tex] Deadly! What are you doing?!
- Uncle Deadly: Enough! Just because I have a terrifying name, and an evil English accent, does not preclude the fact that in my heart, I am a Muppet, not a Moopet! Looks like it's I who will have the last laugh!
- Tex Richman: What does that mean?!
- Uncle Deadly: It's an idiom, you idiot! Because you cannot laugh! Ha ha! [Tex falls off the roof and lands on the ground with a thud] Oopsie! [he laughs maniacally]
- Tex Richman: Deadly...
- Uncle Deadly: Now that's a maniacal laugh for you!
- Tex Richman: [Angrily] You artists formerly known as the Muppets are standing on private property--My private property! And I'm telling you to leave, NOW! [The Muppets Gasp]
- Kermit: [Sadly] He's right, everybody. He won. We gotta go. [As The Muppets Slowly Walk Away, Tex Richman Sighs In Disbelief]
- Gary: Look, Walter, you're my brother, and I'm always gonna love you, but you belong here, with these guys. You're the one who brought everyone here together. You always believe in other people, but that’s easy. Sooner or later, you gotta believe in yourself, too, because that’s what growing up is. It’s becoming who you want to be. You have to try. Please, Walter. You’re my hero.
- [Deleted Scene -- As The Door Closes, Tex Richman Smiles And Laughs Evilly]
- Tex Richman: Tex Richman Is Back In Town, Folks! [The Crowd Boos And Yells At Him] OH, BOO YOURSELF! [The Crowd Stops Booing] You're Lucky I Got On The Act! [The Crowd Continues Booing And Throwing Food At Himself] Hey, I Had These Clothes Washed! [Someone Else Throws Food At Him] Hey! Stop It! [The Crowd Throws Food At Him At Once] STOP IT! [Screams And Runs Away]
- Jason Segel as Gary
- Chris Cooper as Tex Richman
- Rashida Jones as Veronica Martin
- Jack Black as Himself
- Alan Arkin as Muppet Studios Tour Guide
- Bill Cobbs as Grandfather
- Zach Galifianakis as Hobo Joe (Joanna Newsom did his brief singing voice)
- Ken Jeong as Punch Teacher Host
- Jim Parsons as Human Walter
- Donald Glover as a Junior CDE Executive
- Eddie Pepitone as Postman
- Kristen Schaal as the Anger Management Group moderator
- Sarah Silverman as a Mel's Drive-In restaurant greeter
- Eddie "Piolin" Sotelo as a Univision Executive
- Dahila Wangort as FOX executive
- Michael Albala as NBC executive
- Aria Noelle Curzon as a Mel's Drive-In waitress
Cameo guest stars
- Emily Blunt as Miss Piggy's French receptionist (spoofing her prior role as Emily Charlton from The Devil Wears Prada)
- James Carville as Himself
- Leslie Feist as Smalltown Resident
- Whoopi Goldberg as Herself
- Selena Gomez as Herself
- Dave Grohl as Animool
- Neil Patrick Harris as Himself
- Judd Hirsch as Himself
- John Krasinski as Himself
- Rico Rodriguez as Himself
- Mickey Rooney as Smalltown Resident
- Rob Corddry as Superman Impersonator (deleted scenes)
- Billy Crystal as Himself (deleted scenes)
- Ricky Gervais as Himself (deleted scenes)
- Kathy Griffin as Herself (deleted scenes)
- Sarah Hyland as Credit Card Club girl (deleted scenes)
- Sterling Knight as Credit Card Club boy (deleted scenes)
- Wanda Sykes as Officer Ethel (deleted scenes)
- Danny Trejo as a Prisoner (deleted scenes)
- Steve Whitmire as Kermit the Frog, Beaker, Statler, Rizzo the Rat, Link Hogthrob, The Muppet Newsman, Lips
- Eric Jacobson as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Sam the Eagle, Marvin Suggs
- Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Zoot, Beauregard, Waldorf, Kermit Moopet
- Bill Barretta as The Swedish Chef, Rowlf the Dog, Dr. Teeth, Pepe the King Prawn, Bobo the Bear, Beautiful Day Monster, Mahna Mahna, Behemoth, Fozzie Moopet, Muppet Gary, Whatnot Hobo
- David Rudman as Scooter, Janice, Miss Poogy, Wayne, Nigel the Conductor, Bobby Benson
- Matt Vogel as Floyd Pepper, Camilla the Chicken, Sweetums, '80s Robot, Lew Zeland, Uncle Deadly, Crazy Harry, Rowlf Moopet
- Peter Linz as Walter