The Opposite of Sex
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- Directed and written by Don Roos.
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be offended.
- My name is Dedee Truitt. I'm sixteen, and this is Creve Coeur, Louisiana... which is French, I think, for like, 'fucked heart'.
- If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your heads. I don't have a heart of gold and I don't grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up - we call them "losers."
- My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great! Not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser bitch!"
- Rule one of sex: a person can do anything for ten minutes if they don't breath in.
- Seems like everybody's having sex but me. Good for them. It's not that I'm against sex. I mean, it was clever of God or evolution or whatever to hook the survival of the species to it because we're gonna screw around no what. It was a smarter thing to pick than say... the instinct to share your toys or return phone calls. We'd have died out like eons ago. But on the minus side, god... all the attachment that goes with it. It's like this net. Sex always ends in kids or disease, or like, you know, relationships. That's exactly what I don't want. I want the opposite of all that. Because it's not worth it, not really, is it? When you think about it? [cut to montage of memories of heart-warming relationship scenes] OK, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not all shit. Maybe... God damn it. I thought the whole idea was I know what happens next. I'll tell you one thing... I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house and be this big changed person for you. I told you right off I don't grow a heart of gold. And if I do, which is, like, so unlikely... give me a break and don't make me do it in front of you. Come on, guys, go, okay? [looking at the camera angrily] GO! I'll give you this much, though... I never was the same again after that summer.
- [Refusing heterosexual sex with Dedee] I've never tried communism, but I know I wouldn't like that. It's the same thing. Or grits.
- Girl Student: This is America, and we're Christians here - aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way - and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into "man-on-man action," which is how they describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it's very family... [pause] Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to.
- Matt: I'm bisexual.
- Lucia: Puh-lease! I went to a bar mitzvah once. That doesn't make me Jewish.
- Carl : What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention? If I always come second to Bill?
- Lucia: Excuse me?
- Carl: Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it's concentration. Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with, like biological highlighter. [pause] Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.
- Lucia: So while I'm sleeping with you, I'm not supposed to care about anybody else?
- Carl: Look for me first in any crowded room. And I'll do likewise. [pause] Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping with somebody else. [Looks at her intensely and then sits back and waits]
- Lucia: It's just a habit, thinking about Bill. Because of Tom.
- Carl: I know.
- Lucia: I don't know how you do it. You're always so nice and so calm. Tom was like that too. It's depressing.
- Bill: You're nice.
- Lucia: That's how I always felt around you too, like the Baroness in The Sound of Music. While everybody's just singing and climbing an Alp. And I just wanna STUFF THAT GUITAR UP THAT NUN'S ASS! And... ugh!
- Lucia: Vagina, vagina, vagina. Does that word do anything for you?
- Bill: I don't think it does much for anyone, gay or straight.
- [Pulling on Jason's nipple ring to get information about where Dedee and Matt are]
- Jason: Ow, that's pierced! Ow!
- Bill: Listen to me, you little grunge faggot. I survived my family, my schoolyard, every Republican, every other Democrat, Anita Bryant, the Pope, the fucking Christian Coalition, not to mention a real son of a bitch of a virus, in case you haven't noticed. In all that time since Paul Lynde and Truman Capote were the only fairies in America, I've been busting my ass so that you'd be able to do what you wanted with yours! So I don't just want your obedience right now - which I do want and plenty of it - but I want your fucking gratitude, right fucking now, or you're going to be looking down a long road at your nipple in the dirt! Do you hear what I'm saying?
- Jason: Yes!
- Bill: Take me to them!
- Jason: OK, fine, just let me go! Let me go!
- [Bill lets go]
- Jason: Ow, ow, ow, fuck! Jesus. You're supposed to be my brother, man!
- Bill: Hey, I was brotherly, man. Think where else you're pierced. Let's go.
- Dedee: I'd like a Long Island iced tea, please.
- Bill: Is that a good idea, for the baby?
- Dedee: Oh, please. This baby owes its life to Long Island iced teas, if you know what I mean.
- Lucia: [Dedee in labor] Are you having contractions?
- Dedee: No, this is my sleepy face! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?
- Dedee: [about marrying Matt] I just don't think it's something we should rush into.
- Lucia: Oh, no, no. But bring another human life onto the planet - that's whim time.
- Christina Ricci - Dedee Truitt
- Ivan Sergei - Matt Mateo
- Martin Donovan - Bill Truitt
- Lisa Kudrow - Lucia De Lury
- Lyle Lovett - Carl Tippett
- William Lee Scott - Randy Cates
- Johnny Galecki - Jason Bock
- Colin Ferguson - Tom De Lury