The Order of the Stick
- Belkar: Wait. I think I just failed a Spot check.
Haley: Really? I don't see anything. Belkar: Exactly.
- Elan: Hi, Haley. Look, I found all these free swords. They were in my spleen.
- Eugene Greenhilt: Hey, that deal was very clear: 'Til death do us part. Once I shuffle off the mortal coil, I'm free to play the field.
- Roy: "Why did you think we were here?" [in this dungeon]
Belkar: "Well, I figured we'd wander around, kill some sentient creatures because they had green skin and fangs and we don't, and then take their stuff."
- Belkar Bitterleaf: I have an idea. It starts with "s" and ends with "litting their throats."
- Xykon: Y'know, I've destroyed entire towns, and the most I got from the surviving families were a few snarky comments. You, sir, have a serious problem with overreaction.
- Elan: It's true what they say: "Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!"
- Belkar: Tell me, is being a complete and utter moron a prerequisite for the class, or a side effect of taking a level?
- Gortok: Let Gortok answer your question with a question: Who will be the moron after Gortok's white-hot anger crushes your little body into a mangled bloody pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?
- Strip 132: Kindred Spirits
- Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm.
- Belkar: It's like the old song says: If I can kill it here, I can kill it anywhere.
- Miko: The proper term is "smite evil", not "bump uglies."
- Miko: By the Twelve Gods and in the name of Lord Shojo, I demand to know: Who removed the tag from this mattress?!?
- Belkar: Hey Sweet Thing, wanna hold my Rod of Lordly Might? If you push the right button, it might extend!
- Belkar: It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire."
- Celia: Hey, I don't make the crazy rules, I just twist them to my purpose.
- Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay.
- Roy: Truly, your wit has never been equaled. Surpassed, often, but never equaled.
- Durkon: How will I finally be returnin' ta me beloved dwarven homelands?
- The Oracle: Posthumously.
- Vaarsuvius: How will I achieve complete and total ultimate arcane power?
- The Oracle: By saying the right four words to the right being at the right time for all the wrong reasons.
- Haley: (gibberish)
- The Oracle: When the gift horse comes calling, don't look it in the mouth.
- Elan: Will this story have a happy ending?
- The Oracle: Yes - for you, at least.
- Belkar: Do I get to cause the death of any of the following: Miko, Miko's stupid horse, Roy, Vaarsuvius, or you?
- The Oracle: Yes.
- Belkar: Sweet! Which one?
- The Oracle: Next!
- Strip 331: For the Future
- Nale: Must... resist... urge to assert... heterosexuality! For the sake...of the plan!
- Shojo: Look, O-Chul, I have two tasks that need to be completed. One involves three prisoners whose existence is now a state secret. The other involves cleaning up what came out of my cat's butt this morning. And Mr. Scruffy had a very upset tummy last night, didn't he? Didn't he?
- Belkar: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!
- Xykon: Goddamn, it, I forgot how much pain tends to hurt!
- Belkar: Sorry, Scarface. Looks like one of us has an appointment with that thing's esophagus, and I nominate you, on account of you not being me.
- Roy: So... I could have all the one-night stands I want, but I'd have to have them at my Mom's house ? Are you trying to make people feel guilty about sex ?
- Roy's Archon: Actually, yes. We've found that our Lawful patrons generally expect it that way.
- Strip 492: Things to Do in Heaven When You're Dead
- Haley:Anyway, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each. The good news is, I don't have to bother thinking up a second half to that joke, 'cause you're all dead now.
- Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror - and just my luck, I'm stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I'm going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass.
- Elan: Fight, fight, fight, fight the urge to say, "I told you so!"
- Kazumi: I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!
- Belkar: Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime.
- Nero: Call me old fashioned, but an evil ascension to power just isn't the same without someone chanting faux Latin in the backround.
- Cedrik: A good way to get a decent person to do something horrible is to convince them that they're not responsible for their actions.
- Crystal: Who's there?
- Haley: Roland.
- Crystal: Roland who?
- Haley: Roland 'Itiative, and his four friends Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, and Sneak Attack.
- Strip 648: A Dish Best Served With +1d6 Cold Damage
- Vaarsuvius: (Upon witnessing a fat dragon fly on tiny wings) I should avoid casting any spells tonight, if only to give the laws of physics time to cry alone in the corner.
- Elan: Oh my gods! I...I need to help those people! Vaarsuvius! Haley! Durkon!
- Tarquin: No need to run around like a cockatrice with its head cut off. They're 10 miles away. Unless your mage can teleport, you won't make it out there before they all die.
- Elan: You!! Why did you do that to those poor people?? Hadn't you made their lives hard enough already?
- Tarquin: Note to self: Elf cannot cast Teleport.
- Elan: How could you do something so cruel, for no reason other than... a stupid SIGN!
- Tarquin: Hey, that sign was my gift to you. And geez, man up a little. You sound like your mother. "Oh Tarquin, you jerk! When you said you would liquify every man in the tavern if one of them grabbed my butt again during my shift, I didn't think you meant it!" I don't know why she was complaining. I mean where did she think all that great fertilizer for her precious veggie garden came from anyway?
- Elan: You're... you're EVIL! Aren't you? With all capital letters!
- Tarquin: Son, labels like "good" and "evil" are just words. Words with many possible capitalizations.
- Strip 760: Realizations & Rationalizations
- Tarquin: In fact, I have a few duplicate magic items that may help you. Do you have a Ring of Regeneration yet? I never leave home without mine.
- Elan: Yeah, right. Like I would use your crazy evil ring that you probably, like, tortured somebody to death or something to give it magic.
- Tarquin: Now that's quite enough young man. I am frankly offended tha you would even suggest that I would do such a thing to--Wait, who do you consider a "somebody"?
- Elan: Anybody!
- Tarquin: Fine, fine, I'll keep the ring, then.
- Strip 762: Just Trying to Help
- Elan: Dad, I just-- I don't understand you! How can you be like this? Don't you know that bad guys never win?
- General Tarquin: Like most things, "winning" is a matter of perspective. You're a bard, right? How many stories have you heard in which a single hero vanquishes a wicked empire?
- Elan: I dunno... dozens, I guess.
- General Tarquin: What is the one thing they all have in common? The one fact they all share?
- Elan: The hero always wins!
- General Tarquin: Arguable. No, the one thing they all have in common is this: The wicked empire exists. It has existed for some time, and it will continue to exist if no heroes intervene. Don't you see, Elan? The rules of drama to which you describe as a bard tell us that such tyrannies can exist--inded, MUST exist-- and persist long enough that no one realistically thinks they can be defeated. Else, where's the drama in a hero opposing them? And if such kingdoms are necessary, why shouldn't I rule one?
- Elan: But a hero always DOES oppose them! And Beats them!
- General Tarquin: You know, Elan, you can't always fixate on the negative, you should try being more optimistic.
- Strip 763: Plotting Something
- General Tarquin: If someone conquers an empire and rules it with an iron fist for thirty long years, and then some paladin breaks into his throne room and kills him-- whad do you think he's going to remember as he lays dying?
- Elan: ...That good triumphed over evil?
- General Tarquin: No, that he got to live like a god for the decades! Sure, the last ten minutes sucked, but you can't have everything.
- Strip 763: Plotting Something
- Elan: But in the end--
- General Tarquin: The end of what, Son? The Story? There is no end, there's just the point where storytellers stop talking. Somewhere between "villain of the week" and "good triumphs over evil," there's a sweet spot where guys like me get to rule the roost for years. As long as I go into this accepting the price I may eventually pay, then I win--no matter what actually happens.
- Strip 763: Plotting Something
- Tarquin: My name will be immortalized forever.
- Elan: As a villain!
- Tarquin: So what? Audiences always think the villain is cooler than the hero is, anyway.
- Strip 763: Plotting Something
- Malack: --so then I said, "I don't care that you were late, Acolyte Prilak, I'm not going to repeat the conversation we all just had."
- Durkon: Aye, why should everyone need ta listen ta the same thing o'er agin?
- Malack: Exactly! I mean it was too wordy by half the first time.
- Kil-Kil: I don't mean to alarm you, General, but I think that halfling is force-feeding another man's intestines to one of our guards.
- Tarquin: Oooooo, bonus action!
- Elan: I can't tell if the cat is a good influence on Belkar, or Belkar is a bad influence on the cat.
- Haley: Both, I think, but it probably still averages out somewhere south of Neutral.
- Strip 781: Companions
- Kil-Kil: I calculate that the empire turned a total profit of 66,435 gp on their capture.
- General Tarquin: See? Why should I get upset, they paid for these entire games and then--
- Escaping prisoner: (Throwing spear) HEY, TARQUIN!! Choke on this!
- (The spear hits the wall right next to Tarquin's head, but he does not flinch.)
- Kil-Kil: Correction: 66,437 gp.
- Tarquin: (Evil grin) Their every move makes my victory more complete.
- Strip 785: The Cost of Freedom
- Vaarsuvius: I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is "Sneak Attack, bitch."
- Redcloak: Normally, this sort of display is more my colleague's bailiwick...
- Resistance fighter: (Realizing Redcloak has slaughtered the rest of their group) COMMANDER!
- Redcloak: (While his minions tear down resistance banners) ...but your choice in decór forced me to summon my own interior decorators.
- Redcloak: By which I mean they will be decorating mostly with your interiors.
- Strip 825: Good Thing He's Already Partial to Red
- Belkar: (Deafened by magic, already jumping to stab Nale) ELAN, IS IT COOL IF I KILL YOUR BROTHER WHAT CAN'T HEAR YOUR ANSWER SORRY!
- Malack: I'm trying to find a compromise between our positions, Brother Thundershield, but you're not making it very--
- Durkon: Thar be no compromise! Thar be no parley an' thar be no reasonable discussions! Yer a frickin' vampire, Malack! Yer a danger to everyone livin' on this continent! An' e'en if'n I I ignor'd tha, ye still cannae be 'llowed to seize this place!
- Malack: ...
- Malack: I see.
- Malack: Then there can only ever be conflict between us now.
- Durkon: Aye. 'Fraid so.
- Malack: (Looks saddened, then suddenly lunges at Durkon) Then die.
- Tarquin: I'm sorry, Elan, but you brought this all on yourself. I tried to give you a dramatially significant death scene to swear revenge over, but you seem to prefer this... disjointed anarchy. There's no unity of theme here at all!
- Elan: Didn't we... already do the scene... where you try to convince me not do things your way?
- Tarquin: Yes, and it didn't go right, so we are DOING IT AGAIN. And we will CONTINUE to do it until you understand that it is in your best interest to...listen to my... What is that noise? I know that noise. No... no!! Not now! I'm in the middle of something important!
- Strip 930: Overshadowed
- Tarquin: Frankly, I’m surprised you agreed to show up. Our past differences aside, you of all people should be able to see the shape of this.
- Julio Scoundrel: Oh sure, the wise old mentor who trained the hero always gets killed in these kinds of stories. That’s why I told him to get bent.
- Strip 931: My Two Dads
- Tarquin: I am not going to indulge you in your usual idiocy today, Scoundrel.
- Julio Scoundrel: What, feeling shagged’’ already? But this time we’re doing something different! I was running out of ways to crash your wedding and rescue your bride anyway.
- Strip 932: His Number One Fan
- Tarquin: Can't you see that there are underlying problems with the structure of this scene??
- Julio Scoundrel: I think that’s half your problem, T--*grabs rope* You always think everything that happens is about you!
- Tarquin: It has become clear to me that the only way you will accept your proper role is for me to utterly crush you here and now. So I am going to murder your lowlife girlfriend, burn this ship and everyone on it to ash, and chop off your hand. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE!"
- Tarquin: Elan! This arc isn't over yet! Where's the growth? You didn't lose anything! Nothing has changed! YOU GET BACK HERE AND GIVE THIS PLOTLINE A SATISFYING RESOLUTION THIS INSTANT!! ELAN! ELAN, THERE'S NO SENSE OF CLOSURE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! THIS IS A TERRIBLE ENDING!!!
- Belkar: I am going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don't shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days!!
On the Origin of PCs
- Haley: Warning: Meat laced with sleep potion may cause drowsiness.
- [Page 6]
- Roy: ...Gee, thanks for this visit, Dad. I had almost forgotten how much of an anal retentive blowhard you are.
- [Page 32]
- Haley: Sneak Attack Upside the Head!
- [Page 52]
Start of Darkness
- Young Xykon: Zombification: it cures what ails you. Forever.
- [Page 8]
- Xykon: Hey! Come back here! We're supposed to fight now!!! Sigh... guards, fetch the Ben & Jerry's.
- [Page 25]
- Female Goblin: Well... we could be dirt farmers.
- Male Goblin: Nah, the humans, got all the good dirt. Lucky bastards.
- [Page 37]
- Redcloak: I'm so glad your conversion to a life-draining mockery of all that is beautiful has proven to be such a barrel of laughs.
- [Page 66]
- Eugene Greenhilt: When you're dead, you're never going to look back and say, "Darn, I didn't spend enough time on petty revenge."
- [Page 79]
- Xykon: I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitch - bitch.
- [Page 109]