The Order of the Stick
The Order of the Stick is a fantasy-based webcomic based on a Dungeons & Dragons-themed universe by Rich Burlew.
Strips 1-99
[edit]- Belkar: Wait. I think I just failed a Spot check.
- Haley: Really? I don't see anything.
- Belkar: Exactly.
- Strip 3: See Spot Spot
- Elan: Hi, Haley. Look, I found all these free swords. They were in my spleen.
- Roy: "Why did you think we were here?" [in this dungeon]
- Belkar: "Well, I figured we'd wander around, kill some sentient creatures because they had green skin and fangs and we don't, and then take their stuff."
- Strip 13: Plot, Ahoy!
- Eugene Greenhilt: Hey, that deal was very clear: 'Til death do us part. Once I shuffle off the mortal coil, I'm free to play the field.
- Belkar Bitterleaf: I have an idea. It starts with "s" and ends with "litting their throats."
- Xykon the Lich: I need you to Speak with Dead.
- Redcloak: ... Um, OK, hello sir, how are you today? This is lovely weather-
- Xykon the Lich: Not me, you moron!
- Strip 95: Dead Men Tell Tales
Strips 100-199
[edit]- Vaarsuvius: Now if you don't mind, I am somewhat preoccupied telling the laws of physics to shut up and sit down.
- Xykon: Y'know, I've destroyed entire towns, and the most I got from the surviving families were a few snarky comments. You, sir, have a serious problem with overreaction.
- Elan: It's true what they say: "Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!"
- Belkar: Tell me, is being a complete and utter moron a prerequisite for the class, or a side effect of taking a level?
- Gortok: Let Gortok answer your question with a question: Who will be the moron after Gortok's white-hot anger crushes your little body into a mangled bloody pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?
- Strip 132: Kindred Spirits
- Roy: I dream of the day when I will learn to stop asking questions to which I will regret learning the answers.
- Xykon: Sacrificing minions: is there any problem it CAN'T solve?
- Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm.
Strips 200-299
[edit]- Belkar: Well, as usual, if falls to Yours Truly to save the day by serving someone a heapin' helping of Mama Bitterleaf's secret family recipe for their own steaming entrails on a platter.
- Belkar: It's like the old song says: If I can kill it here, I can kill it anywhere.
- Miko: By the Twelve Gods! I had no idea your carts were filled with filthy lucre!
- Haley: HEY! I wash that lucre every day until it SHINES!
- Strip 207: Now If Only We Could Organize the Fiends Somehow
- Miko: The proper term is "smite evil", not "bump uglies."
- Belkar: One order of gluttony with a side of corruption, please.
- Miko: By the Twelve Gods and in the name of Lord Shojo, I demand to know: Who removed the tag from this mattress?!?
- Belkar: Hey Sweet Thing, wanna hold my Rod of Lordly Might? If you push the right button, it might extend!
- Belkar: It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire."
- Celia: Hey, I don't make the crazy rules, I just twist them to my purpose.
Strips 300-399
[edit]- Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay.
- Roy: Truly, your wit has never been equaled. Surpassed, often, but never equaled.
- Nameless Wizard: Excuse me, sir, if you're done pretending I can't hear you because I'm a nameless NPC, I'll head off to that tavern there to get utterly drunk in response to my life's apparent meaninglessness.
- Roy: Huh? Oh, yeah, whatever, have fun.
- Strip 340: You Should Have Seen What He Did With the Corsage
- Nale: Must... resist... urge to assert... heterosexuality! For the sake...of the plan!
Strips 400-499
[edit]- Shojo: Look, O-Chul, I have two tasks that need to be completed. One involves three prisoners whose existence is now a state secret. The other involves cleaning up what came out of my cat's butt this morning. And Mr. Scruffy had a very upset tummy last night, didn't he? Didn't he?
- Miko: You would stand between me and this evil murderer?
- Hinjo: I'll stand between any two murderers I wish, thanks.
- Belkar: Oooo, burned!
- Strip 409: Intercession
- O-Chul: In a war, people on the winning side still die.
- Strip 417: The Most Important Place
- Roy: He's doing it because he thinks that you've learned your lesson, and with my guidance, you'll stop resorting to violence to solve your problems.
- Belkar: Ohhhhh, I get it. ... So, he's doing it because he doesn't really know me at all, then.
- Roy: Pretty much.
- Strip 420: The Trial of Belkar Bitterleaf (Abridged)
- Vaarsuvius: Thrice-cursed Spell Resistance! It's almost like the universe is trying to deliberately force some form of arbitrary equality between those of us who can reshape matter with our thoughts and those who cannot.
- Belkar: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!
- Redcloak: Look, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I'll deal with this later.
- Tsukiko: I'm pretty sure Xykon wanted you to deal with it now.
- Redcloak: Well, what Xykon wants and what's a good idea tend to diverge significantly.
- Strip 457: Anti-Human Resources
- Xykon: Goddamn, it, I forgot how much pain tends to hurt!
- Elan: Hooray! Our long luteless nightmare is over! ... This is just like when Roy got his sword fixed! ... Or when Haley got her voice back! ... Or when Vaarsuvius was turned back into an elf. ... Or when Roy was turned back into a boy. ... Or when I got a new magic rapier. Twice.
- Daigo: Will you stop point out the repetitiveness of the B-plots and hurry up?!?
- Strip 471: A Triumphant Return
- Belkar: Sorry, Scarface. Looks like one of us has an appointment with that thing's esophagus, and I nominate you, on account of you not being me.
- Roy: So... I could have all the one-night stands I want, but I'd have to have them at my Mom's house ? Are you trying to make people feel guilty about sex ?
- Roy's Archon: Actually, yes. We've found that our Lawful patrons generally expect it that way.
- Strip 492: Things to Do in Heaven When You're Dead
Strips 500-599
[edit]- Haley:Anyway, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each. The good news is, I don't have to bother thinking up a second half to that joke, 'cause you're all dead now.
- Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror - and just my luck, I'm stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I'm going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass.
- Haley: Belkar, can you handle fifteen?
- Belkar: If I can't, we'll have to stop at the next town to buy me a pink frilly dress, 'cause it'll mean I'll have spontaneously turned into a preteen girl.
- Strip 537: What Do You Think Comes in a Disguise Kit, Anyway?
- Elan: Fight, fight, fight, fight the urge to say, "I told you so!"
- Vaarsuvius: And once again, Probability proves itself willing to sneak into a back alley and service Drama as would a copper-piece harlot.
- Kazumi: I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!
Strips 600-699
[edit]- Belkar: Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime.
- Belkar: Everyone tried so hard to block my path-- and in the end, all they really did was force me to learn how to climb mountains. All the better from which to pee on them, heh.
- Nero: Call me old fashioned, but an evil ascension to power just isn't the same without someone chanting faux Latin in the backround.
- Cedrik: A good way to get a decent person to do something horrible is to convince them that they're not responsible for their actions.
- Crystal: Who's there?
- Haley: Roland.
- Crystal: Roland who?
- Haley: Roland 'Itiative, and his four friends Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, and Sneak Attack.
- Strip 648: A Dish Best Served With +1d6 Cold Damage
- Xykon: Your soul shenanigans are real flashy, but they had one weakness: they were shackled to your lame mid-level ass! I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I've learned a lot since then. You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh?
Strips 700-799
[edit]- Guard: How long do you think you'll be staying in the city?
- Durkon: Och, geez ... I dunno. I've got a lot o' things ta do already ... At least 'til the end o' tha current plotline.
- Guard: So, like, what? Twenty strips?
- Durkon: Make it thirty. They always run long.
- Strip 732: The Papers Chase
- Haley: Turns out the head general for this empire is Elan's long-lost father.
- Durkon: Wha? Yer kiddin'! Geez, wha be tha chances o' tha??
- Elan: Ummm ...
- Durkon: Och, right. Like, a hunnerd percent, in this comic.
- Strip 740: The Great(ish) Escape
- Vaarsuvius: (Upon witnessing a fat dragon fly on tiny wings) I should avoid casting any spells tonight, if only to give the laws of physics time to cry alone in the corner.
- Tarquin: But you can't make an omelette without ruthlessly crushing dozens of eggs beneath your steel boot and then publicly disemboweling the chickens that laid them as a warning to others.
- Tarquin: In fact, I have a few duplicate magic items that may help you. Do you have a Ring of Regeneration yet? I never leave home without mine.
- Elan: Yeah, right. Like I would use your crazy evil ring that you probably, like, tortured somebody to death or something to give it magic.
- Tarquin: Now that's quite enough young man. I am frankly offended that you would even suggest that I would do such a thing to--Wait, who do you consider a "somebody"?
- Elan: Anybody!
- Tarquin: Fine, fine, I'll keep the ring, then.
- Strip 762: Just Trying to Help
- Elan: But in the end--
- General Tarquin: The end of what, Son? The Story? There is no end, there's just the point where storytellers stop talking.
- Strip 763: Plotting Something
- Tarquin: My name will be immortalized forever.
- Elan: As a villain!
- Tarquin: So what? Audiences always think the villain is cooler than the hero is, anyway. That's the beauty of it all, my son. If I win, I get to be a king. If I lose, I get to be a legend. I'll inspire a thousand more leaders to follow in my footsteps. And it'll all be thanks to you.
- Strip 763: Plotting Something
- Malack: --so then I said, "I don't care that you were late, Acolyte Prilak, I'm not going to repeat the conversation we all just had."
- Durkon: Aye, why should everyone need ta listen ta the same thing o'er agin?
- Malack: Exactly! I mean it was too wordy by half the first time.
- Strip 764: Small Talk
- Vaarsuvius: The chance of Elan succeeding at any given task is directly proportionate to how much effort he is expending on achieving its inverse.
- Kil-Kil: I don't mean to alarm you, General, but I think that halfling is force-feeding another man's intestines to one of our guards.
- Tarquin: Oooooo, bonus action!
- Elan: I can't tell if the cat is a good influence on Belkar, or Belkar is a bad influence on the cat.
- Haley: Both, I think, but it probably still averages out somewhere south of Neutral.
- Strip 781: Companions
- Kil-Kil: I calculate that the empire turned a total profit of 66,435 gp on their capture.
- General Tarquin: See? Why should I get upset, they paid for these entire games and then--
- Escaping prisoner: (Throwing spear) HEY, TARQUIN!! Choke on this!
- (The spear hits the wall right next to Tarquin's head, but he does not flinch.)
- Kil-Kil: Correction: 66,437 gp.
- Tarquin: (Evil grin) Their every move makes my victory more complete.
- Strip 785: The Cost of Freedom
Strips 800-899
[edit]- Vaarsuvius: I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is "Sneak Attack, bitch."
- Vaarsuvius: Welcome, however temporarily, to the Order of the Stick, Mr. Yukyuk. Continue this ratio of effectiveness-to-chatter, and I shall see if I cannot open up a position in our Short Dual-Wielding Murderer department. What say you to that?
- Yukyuk: ...
- Vaarsuvius: Perfection.
- Strip 800: Right Tool for the Job
- Redcloak: Normally, this sort of display is more my colleague's bailiwick...
- Resistance fighter: (Realizing Redcloak has slaughtered the rest of their group) COMMANDER!
- Redcloak: (While his minions tear down resistance banners) ...but your choice in decór forced me to summon my own interior decorators.
- Redcloak: By which I mean they will be decorating mostly with your interiors.
- Strip 825: Good Thing He's Already Partial to Red
- Belkar: (Deafened by magic, already jumping to stab Nale) ELAN, IS IT COOL IF I KILL YOUR BROTHER WHAT CAN'T HEAR YOUR ANSWER SORRY!
Strips 900-999
[edit]- Tarquin: Frankly, I’m surprised you agreed to show up. Our past differences aside, you of all people should be able to see the shape of this.
- Julio Scoundrel: Oh sure, the wise old mentor who trained the hero always gets killed in these kinds of stories. That’s why I told him to get bent.
- Strip 931: My Two Dads
- Tarquin: I am not going to indulge you in your usual idiocy today, Scoundrel.
- Julio Scoundrel: What, feeling shagged’’ already? But this time we’re doing something different! I was running out of ways to crash your wedding and rescue your bride anyway.
- Strip 932: His Number One Fan
- Tarquin: Can't you see that there are underlying problems with the structure of this scene??
- Julio Scoundrel: I think that’s half your problem, T- You always think everything that happens is about you!
- Tarquin: It has become clear to me that the only way you will accept your proper role is for me to utterly crush you here and now. So I am going to murder your lowlife girlfriend, burn this ship and everyone on it to ash, and chop off your hand. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE!"
- Tarquin: Elan! This arc isn't over yet! Where's the growth? You didn't lose anything! Nothing has changed! YOU GET BACK HERE AND GIVE THIS PLOTLINE A SATISFYING RESOLUTION THIS INSTANT!! ELAN! ELAN, THERE'S NO SENSE OF CLOSURE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! THIS IS A TERRIBLE ENDING!!!
- Belkar: I am going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don't shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days!!
On the Origin of PCs
[edit]- Haley: Warning: Meat laced with sleep potion may cause drowsiness.
- [Page 6]
- Roy: ...Gee, thanks for this visit, Dad. I had almost forgotten how much of an anal retentive blowhard you are.
- [Page 32]
- Haley: Sneak Attack Upside the Head!
- [Page 52]
Start of Darkness
[edit]- Young Xykon: Zombification: it cures what ails you. Forever.
- [Page 8]
- Xyklon: Hey! Come back here! We're supposed to fight now!!! Sigh... guards, fetch the Ben & Jerry's.
- [Page 25]
- Female Goblin: Well... we could be dirt farmers.
- Male Goblin: Nah, the humans, got all the good dirt. Lucky bastards.
- [Page 37]
- Redcloak: I'm so glad your conversion to a life-draining mockery of all that is beautiful has proven to be such a barrel of laughs.
- [Page 66]
- Eugene Greenhilt: When you're dead, you're never going to look back and say, "Darn, I didn't spend enough time on petty revenge."
- [Page 79]
- Xykon: I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitch - bitch.
- [Page 109]
