The Penguins of Madagascar

You didn’t see anything.

The Penguins of Madagascar, also known as simply Penguins of Madagascar, The Penguins or Penguins, is an American 3D-animated television series broadcast on Nickelodeon, starring the penguins from the 2005 film Madagascar.

Season 1

Episode 5: Happy King Julien Day!

King Julien: I was so looking forward to eating my delicious cake! How can I look forward to eating nothing?! Answer me, Maurice!

Maurice: They'll make new cakes. New bake-off on the double!

Skipper: Hold it, party boy! One quiet week of scheduled maintenance. Is that too much to ask? Is it?! You bombard me with music, and fruit, and this! [points to the cake on his head] Newsflash, lower mammal, there's no such thing as KING JULIEN DAY!!!

Episode 7: Assault & Batteries

King Julien: Come back here, you music hater!

Skipper: I don't hate music. I hate noise.

Episode 9: Two Feet High and Rising

Maurice: [After calling the other zoo animals to the lemur habitat] You’ve all been called here today to dig a proclamation from King Julien himself!

Marlene: [To Burt the elephant] Thirty peanuts says this is about his feet.

Burt: Make it forty.

King Julien: [Clears his throat] From this moment that is happening now and on, those who touch the king’s feet, which are mine, will be punished most savagely! [He unfurls a piece of paper with a foot in a “Not allowed” sign] I drew that. Me. I did. [Everyone groans]

Mort: No feet?

Skipper: Well, that’s five minutes of our lives we won’t get back.

Kowalski: Until I get my time machine fully functioning. [Everyone leaves]

Julien: Wait! This is a very serious proclamation that I am proclaiming! [Slaps the “No feet allowed” sign on the volcano] Look! It is posted right here on the plastic volcano! And ANYONE who dares to be touching my beautiful feets shall be banish-ed from my kingdom! FOREVER!!!!!!

Maurice: [Pretending to echo] Ever! Ever. Ever…

Julien: What are you doing?

Maurice: Echoing your for dramatic effect!

Julien: Oh, nice! I like it! Now go to rebuilding my super comfy pamper-time floaty throne! [Maurice leaves]

Mort: [Sadly poking his head out from behind a rock, staring at Julien’s feet] Banished… forever?

Julien: Forever!

Maurice: Ever! Ever! Ever!

---

[Later that night, while Julien’s asleep, Mort is wide awake as he sits far away from Julien]

Mort: Must not think about feet. [Falls asleep] Must count sheep. [Dreams he wakes up in a meadow] Yay! Sheep! [The first two sheep jump over a fence] One, two… [Yawns] Three… [Suddenly, the third sheep transforms into Julien’s foot]

Foot: [With Julian’s voice] Feet, Mort! You must count feet!

Mort: Okay! [Skips after the two feet. The dream ends with him back in the lemur habitat, giggling while he’s sleeping. Walks over to Julien] No! Not the feet! [Chains himself to a fake palm tree]

---

[The next morning, Mort, chained to the fake palm tree, wakes up by Julien’s feet. Julien wakes up and they both scream]

Julien: What in the feets are you doing?!?

Mort: I… I… I… You… You… You…

Julien: You… You… You are hereby banish-ed from my kingdom FOREVER!!!! [Looks around] Maurice?!

Maurice: [Late on the echo] Ever! Ever… Wait! You mean Mort’s exiled? For eternity?

Julien: Forever or for eternity! I’m flexible, but the no-feet touching must be of zero tolerance!

[Mort sulks away, crying, dragging the palm tree behind him. Suddenly, Julien’s feet appear]

Foot #1: You cannot escape us, Mort!

Foot #2: Hug us! We need hugs! [The feet circle around him]

Mort: Shoo! Go away, feet! [Swats the air, pretending to shoo the feet away. Nearby, Marlene watches]

Marlene: Hey, Mort. I heard about the whole foot-banishing thing. If there’s anything I can do to help…

Mort: Fix me! Cure me! Save me!

Marlene: Whoa! Take it easy, Mort! I’m an otter! Not a miracle worker! But I know someone who can help!

Episode 12: The Hidden

Skipper: Pop quiz, troops. What can't we trust?

Kowalski: [flipping through his notebook] Three-day-old stir-fry mung beans.

Skipper: Right. What else can't we trust?

Private: [holding up a book on badgers] Badgers!

[Skipper gives Private a questionable look]

Private: ...Maybe that's just me.

Episode 13: Kingdom Come

Skipper: Listen up, lemur. Maurice ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end.

Kowalski: He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress.

Private: He's enslaved the entire zoo!

King Julien: I cannot be believing my ears. [furious] Maurice ATE MY LYCHEE NUTS

---

Maurice: [after snapping out of his trance] Who would dare wear the sacred crown of King Julien?! Wait. [gasps] It's me!

Episode 15: All Choked Up

Mort: Ooooh, it smells like the circus!

Skipper: Uh, do you mind? We're trying to help him.

Melman: All right, Skipper. That's enough. It's my turn.

Skipper: WHAT?!

Melman: Okay, your stomach begins rumbling, it is on the verge of vomiting. Throw up!

Mort: Weeheheheee!

Maurice: Mort the bomb! Get rid of the bomb!

Mort: I got the bomb, Mort is the best, I am the winner! Mort is so—owe!

Rico: What happened?

Skipper: Why, Melman, you won! And Rico’s talking now! Oh, Thank you, Doc.

Episode 18: Miracle On Ice

Skipper: [After the rat king jumps on Kowalski while playing hockey; concerned]: Kowalski, speak to me, man!

Kowalski: [lying on ground] Just a... knock on the old... [twitches] ...monkey bus.

Skipper: [confused] Kowalski?

Kowalski: [stumbling on ice] No need to paint. I'm as flopsy-faced as ever.

Skipper: [after Kowalski gets up and picks up hockey stick] I...don't think you're fit for duty.

Kowalski: [continuing to stumble] Flibertigibit, man. I'm as juxtaposed as the next hamburger. [slips and falls on his belly]

---

Private: [after he and Skipper also get hurt] Skipper, maybe it's time to admit we've lost.

Kowalski: [stumbling in the background] The moo-cow may have a chocolate marshmallow.

---

King Julien: NONE... MAY TOUCH... THE ROYAL FEET!!! NONE!!!

---

[Julian wins the hockey game, defeating the sewer rats, Rico, Private and Skipper looked shocked; Kowalski stumbles past them]

Kowalski: Well, I'll be a bicycle-cream-cone!

Episode 21: Mort Unbound

[Last lines]

Kowalski: Well, nothing left to do but whip up another batch of antidote.

Private: Actually, I don't think that won't be necessary. Private likes big.

Rico: Oh, boy.

Episode 23: Misfortune Cookie

Julien: And finally, it's the trampling by a thousand rhinos! [A rhino tramples Rico who yelps] Uh, slight glitch, though, we only have one rhino. So you have to do it a thousand times. [Rico gets trampled by the rhino again]

[Some time later]

Julien: Flightless bird, you have completed the three trials! By the way, sorry about the extra rhino tramplings. I lost count.

---

[Rico scatting]

Duck: Look out! [lands on Rico's face with his rear]

Episode 27: Otter Gone Wild

---

Kowalski: [goes up to Fred in the tree] You there. [Fred looks down at him and sees him holding up a drawing of King Julian and Marlene] Have you seen this Lemur and Otter?

Fred: Which one of them is the Otter?

Kowalski: [Looks at photo and points to Marlene] This one, obviously. Note the whiskers.

Fred: No, I-I thought that was a Cat.

Kowalski: Did I say "Have you seen this Lemur and Cat?"

Fred: No, that's why I thought it was strange that you drew a Cat.

Kowalski: It's not a Cat.

Fred: Then why does it have whiskers?

Kowalski: You know what, never mind the Otter.

Fred: Cat.

Kowalski: Whatever! [Holds the drawing up again] Have you seen the Lemur?

Fred: What's a Lemur?

Kowalski: [Turns around and walks away] I think we're done here.

Episode 35: I Was a Penguin Zombie

Private: [hears Skipper wheeze and cough, followed by a bucket being kicked] Skipper's... gone? It-it-it can't be! [jumps off] What'll we do?

Kowalski: We'll honour him the way he would've wanted... by soldiering on like men. [salutes]

[Cut to all three bawling in HQ; Kowalski is hugging Private while Rico spits out a picture of Skipper]

Rico: Why, why, WHYYYYYYY!?!?

Episode 48: Dr. Blowhole's Revenge

Julien: [after Dr. Blowhole and he stopped laughing maniacally] Question: why are we laughing?

Dr. Blowhole: Question: how did the prisoner escape?! [Julien leaps on him]

Julien: Prisoner escaped?! Is he dangerous?

Dr. Blowhole: [annoyed] No, and apparently, he isn't very bright.

---

Dr Blowhole: You'll appreciate this, Kowalski. I've installed a lair Theater System, High definition with surround sound. Exre-e-emely spendy.

Kowalski: [slightly angry] Oh, why do the bad guys always get the good stuff?

---

Dr. Blowhole: I am so glad you could all join me to witness history. I am, of course, especially pleased that my fli-i-i-ghtless foes graced us with their presence.

Skipper: [annoyed] Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Private: There's nothing good on Tely tonight anyway.

Dr. Blowhole: [hovering over Private] Well, Private, here's a little show I whipped up. It's called:

Computer Voice: Ring of Fire.

Dr. Blowhole: It is fitting that I returned to the very aqua theater where I performed tricks for the duller humans. Oh, how it made me bitter.

Private: Sorry. Did he say "bitter" or "better"?

Skipper: Hard to say; the sound really bounces around in here.

Kowalski: No, that would be the high ceilings.

Dr. Blowhole: My humiliation in the Ring of Fire became my inspiration. In the Frozen North, we've constructed a vast circle of certainly surprising devices that tap into the heat of the Earth's core. [four drill-like devices break through the ice, glowing]

Skipper: Oh, come on. [Dr. Blowhole zooms over to Skipper]

Dr. Blowhole: Do you mind?! I'm just getting to the good part! It's re-e-ealy quite a shocker.

Skipper: It's so obvious. Humiliated by the humans-

Private: -activate the Ring of Fire-

Kowalski: -melt the Arctic-

[Rico babbles]

Skipper: Well, how did we do, punk?

Dr. Blowhole: [slightly surprised] You're... in the ball park.

---

King Julien: If you ask me, the not pretty part was the bad guy running away like a scaredy baby. He was no match for me, Double Agent Spy Guy!

Marlene: [laughs] You're kidding, right?

King Julien: No, Marlene, you are wrong again. Shut it.

Mort: I helped.

Marlene: [in disbelief] Julien the double agent saves the world? Come on. [leaves]

King Julien: [stammers flustered] So, I face danger and the adventure of a lifetime, and nobody will ever know about it?

Skipper: Welcome to my world. That makes you an honorary penguin.

King Julien: Does that mean I am your BFF?

Skipper: Uh... We'll keep that code on the Q.T.

Mort: [runs past] King Julien is a buffalo firefighter!

Episode 51: Truth Ache

Kowalski: Private, do you honestly like Skipper's monkfish surprise?

Private: [trance] No. It tastes like elephant sweat, but everyone pretends to like it to spare Skipper's fragile ego.

Skipper: [despaired] My whole life... is a lie!

Season 2

Episode 1: The Red Squirrel

Julien: [after being submerged in toy dolls] I confess to everything! My father was not a talking water cycle! [is submerged again] I cheat at whistling! [makes raspberries]

Buck Rockgut: These snitches don't know anything. They're just a bunch of "small potatoes."

King Julien: It's true! I am also secretly a potato. OK, that one was a lie. I just wanted the ropes off, you know?

---

Fred: I've always wanted to ride in a box. You know, they got cardboard in the inside, too.

---

Skipper: [after realizing Buck Rockgut was crazy] Well, maybe we left our paranoia caps on a little too long.

Private: I do feel bad for the old guy. He's wasted decades chasing an enemy that probably doesn't even exist. [the penguins glide on their stomachs back to the zoo; a telescope appears out of a bush and reveals an underground lair]

Red Squirrel: [pushing the record button on a tape recorder] Red Squirrel's log. Special Agent Rockgut has been dispos-sed of. [turns his chair around] Time to get to work. [laughs maniacally and leaps toward a metal door, but crashes into it] Stupid eye-patch.

Episode 2: It's About Time

Future Kowalski(s): Private/Skipper, you've got to stop me!!

Private: [in response to the first future Kowalski] Um... okay. Kowalski, stop, please.

Skipper: [in response to and kicks the second future Kowalski] There, you're stopped.

Future Kowalski(s): No, not me, me! That me!

Private/Skipper: There's 2 of you?

---

Skipper: [kneeling down at the statue of liberty sunken in snow cone shavings] Kowalski, you maniac! You did it. [pounding on the floor] You finally did it.

Kowalski: Yeah, but you got to admit, these are pretty good snow cones. [picking up snow cone offering to Skipper]

Skipper: Yeah, totally worth it. [licking on snow cone]

Episode 8: Fit to Print

Kowalski: When they blow up the shot, we are going to be plastered across every billboard and bus stop in Manhattan.

Private: Oh, dear! Our cover will be blown!

Kowalski: Well, it gets worse. Skipper, you better have a look at this. [hands Skipper his binocluars]

Skipper: [looks closer at the photo] What? I don't see-- Wait. What is that stuck to my foot? Is that...?

Kowalski: It is. Toilet tissue.

Skipper: T.P. foot?! Insult to injury!

Kowalski: Comparing it to this tissue sample, I would say it is two-- no, three-ply! So, you know, there's... that.

Episode 15: Kaboom and Kabust

[At the Lemur Habitat, wooden debris is seen falling from the sky from Rico's Explosion]

King Julien: That was the most "awesome-est" thing I have ever seen that wasn't me!

[Rico laughs with joy at being able to blow something up]

Skipper: Rico! [The other Penguins show up at the Lemur Habitat, all looking angry] Who authorized that billboard detonation, hmm?!

Julien: Who authorized anybody to care? Ha! The shiny face sign is gone, and there was exploding! Haha! High-five the awesome baby!

Rico: Alright! [high-fives with Julien]

Kowalski: [to Skipper with reminding words] You did tell him to take care of King Julien's problem...

Julien: You know? I can think of many other things that also could use a good "Kabooming," if you know what I mean!

[Rico tingles all over while giving a content shudder of ecstasy at the thought]

Skipper: Whoa, Ringtail! There's a reason we don't let Rico go wild with the kaboom. He needs a guiding hand to pull him back before things go too far-- [Rico and Julien then doze off from Skipper's warning about Rico's problem, instead imagining what they can blow up by constantly repeating the phrase "Kaboom" in their heads] --fiery end of life as we know it! Comprende?

Rico & Julien: [monotoned] Kaboom! Kaboom!

Julien: [regains consciousness] Uh-heh, I mean, of course! It is unwise that we two shall Kaboom together [winks to Rico] ever again.

Private: Why are you winking?

Julien: Because, I'm... allergic to, uh... Shut up, okay?

[Julien pushes The Penguins out of his habitat]

---

[Inside the Lemur Habitat, Julien and Rico are now in front of Julien's throne, which has been rigged with some explosives]

Julien: You are my minister of awesome!!

Rico: YAA-HOO-HOOOO!! [high-fives Julien]

[The other penguins shortly arrive after]

Skipper: [demandingly angry] Rico! Explain yourself, soldier!

Julien: Ah! Check it out! You remember my old, boring, and lame throne?

Rico: [agreeing with Julien] Eh?

Julien: Now, thanks to the crazy penguin with the sick skills, it explodes like a rock-and-roller concert every time you say the word "Julien!"

[As Julien says his name, a shower of fireworks shoots up from the devices on his throne]

Rico: [rock star-esque voice] AAAAAAAAAH, YEAH!!!

---

Skipper: Move in hard and fast, men! Rico's a danger to himself and others. We never leave a madman behind.

Julien: Haha! Too late, you silly penguin! Already he is expanding my kingdom with the most "mayhem-iest" destructo machine ever! Hahaha!-- [Just as Julien starts laughing, Rico is heard making a buzzing noise from Julien's throne and is seen shuddering violently] Okay, why is he just standing there?

[Rico's shuddering turns even more violently]

Skipper: YOU MANIAC! YOU LET HIM GO TOO FAR!! He's built up too much psychotic pressure!

Julien: Too much... what?

Private: Don't you see? RICO IS THE DESTRUCTO MACHINE!!

[Inside the Lemur Habitat, Rico, now completely insane, proceeds to cause all sorts of chaos. This includes destroying Julien's throne and regurgitating all sorts of items everywhere. His items cause a giant crack in Julien's concrete pedestal and destroys it. Rico then proceeds to attack several nearby items such as trees and bamboo inside the Lemur habitat. All the while, there are explosions being seen from inside the habitat, to Julien's horror]

---

[After Rico's rampage has caused destruction to the Lemur Habitat]

Julien: [devastated] My... kingdom...

Private: You did the right thing, Julien... Eventually... When you had no other choice... Um... Good job?

Julien: [delighted] Look how roomy it is now! Finally, a habitat fit for a king! Come, Maurice, let us wallow in the luxurious nothing!

Mort: Hooray for nothing!

[Julien and the others leave to observe their "new" habitat as Private goes to join the other Penguins]

Episode 21: Hello, Dollface

Man over PA: OK, guys. That's 9:00! Unbolt the doors...

[The store doors are packed with many people]

Man over PA: ....and stand back!

[A store employee and a horde of angry people start rampaging for the new Chatty Miss Perky doll. One person runs on Rico, Kowalski ducks and screams, and a person picks up Private. Private farts on that person's face, blowing his hat off.]

Private: Oooh.

Man: [referring to Private] Talking penguin? [he shakes him] What is this? 2005?

[The man tosses Private back on the floor]

Private: Aaaaaahhhhh!

[He crashes on the floor joining the other penguins. On the empty aisle shelf, the Chatty! sign from the doll's logo, hangs briefly, then falls. The penguins are beat up from the fight. Rico is on a tricycle wheel hanging upside down. Skipper sits up, his eyes rolling dizzily as he smiles goofily.]

Kowalski: [exhausted] Maybe at a different toy store?

[Later, at another toy store, Skipper is seen screaming because of the same doll rampage and he gets kicked by a person. Private is stepped on his head, Rico is squashed by a man's shoe. A person kicks Kowalski, crashing into the other penguins.]

Kowalski: [woozy] Perhaps direct from the factory?

---

Skipper: What in the name of incense and peppermints?! [opens the bead curtains, sees Rico, and is horrified] No... NO... NOOOOOOOO!!!

Private: What is it, Skipper?!

Kowalski: [gasps in horror]

Skipper: He's gone... HIPPIE. [Rico is shown dressed in hippie attire and playing the bongos next to Ms. Perky]

Episode 28: Hot Ice

[Skipper is discussing the value of the diamond necklace.]

Skipper: Yes, the kind of riches that turns men into animals and animals into… Kowalski what’s more savage than animals?

Kowalski: Hmmm… malfunctioning garbage disposals?

Skipper: C’mon, you’re not even trying.

Episode 33: The All Nighter Before Christmas

King Julien: What happened to the freedom of changing? What happened to the rights of the peoples? I thought this was France!

Maurice: America.

King Julien: No, really. I seriously thought this was France. I've been looking for some decent crepes for, like, three months.

---

Skipper: Curse you, internet! 28,000 cat videos, zero useful information.

---

Private: Isn't it a bit fishy that Santa's just strolling about on Christmas Eve, with no reindeer, or sleigh, and he's using an ELEVATOR?!

---

Skipper: [seeing a room full of Santas] Oh, sugar plums!

---

Marlene: Whoa, whoa, okay, first, we're the decorations committee. Second, uh, Dickens? Did you get a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Been-There-Done-That?

Mason: No, no, no. We are the decorations committee. And at least our ideas didn't come from the pages of Winter Hooligan Monthly.

Rico: [reading a Winter Hooligan Monthly magazine] Hey! How did he know that?!

---

Marlene: [about to fight Kowalski and Mason] This otter's about to join the naughty list.

---

Mort: [after chopping down the city's Christmas tree] I'm a lumberjack! Arr, matey!

---

[During the snowball fight.]

Kowalski: [mourning a destroyed Tiny Tim decoration] They got... Tiny Tim.

Mason: You may strike our decorations, but you shall never conquer the spirit of Charles Dickens!

Kowalski: And his razor-brimmed top hat! [tosses his top hat] H'yah!

[The top hat lands on a snowman's head.]

Mason: Actually, I don't believe Dickens had a razor-brimmed hat.

Kowalski: Learn your history, chimp.

---

Skipper: [after ruining Christmas for the younger animals] What have I done?

[The real Santa appears.]

Santa: Well, for starters, you roughed up a dozen of my deputies and helped wreck the world's most famous Christmas tree. And I thought I had a busy night.

Episode 34: Love Hurts

[Willing to see Shauna, Private veers to the right and blatantly avoids the Deli and descends to the right ground.]

Skipper: Uh? Kowalski, what’s on the right side of the Deli?

Kowalski: I believe that would be Gunnerson’s Home of Rusty Bear Traps.

Rico: [facepalms] Oh boy...

[Private falls there and shouts in pain as the sound of bear traps snapping is heard.]

Episode 35: The Officer X Factor

[The penguins have rigged a pretzel cart to fly in the air to escape Officer X.]

Skipper: And at 400 feet and climbing, I don't think there's much chance of running into him. We're home free. [high-fives Rico and Kowalski]

Private: I guess you're right, Skipper. You know, unless Officer X did something like hide inside the pretzel cart before we took off. Well, you have to admit it's kind of strange. We ran all over the zoo, carrying supplies, and didn't see Officer X. Not even once. I'm just saying it's possible that Officer X could have anticipated our plan and might have hidden in the cart's pretzel compartment before we took off.

[The penguins look at Private, then laugh at his idea.]

Skipper: That has to be just the most ridiculous...

Kowalski: You can't possibly imagine the stasticical improbabilty that... Well...

Skipper: [becoming scared] That Officer X - the Officer X - is hiding... down there.

Kowalski: [also becoming scared] Just... inches... below our... very feet.

Skipper: Well, the very idea... I mean, it's... it's just that it's so...

Kowalski: It's so... So, so-so, so, so...

Skipper: [panics] SO TOTALLY OBVIOUS!!! BATTLE STATIONS!!! [the penguins make battle stances outside the pretzel compartment door] On three... One... Two... I can't do it! I mean, what if he's really in there? What if he leaps out with one of those witty one-liners? Probably something about pretzels.

Kowalski: Something like, "I'll bet you never expected this twist."

Skipper: Exactly!

---

King Julien: Mort, did you just have the audacity to kick your stinking foot into the sacred temple of my royal buttocks?

---

Kowalski: Of course! It's the salt. The sodium granules released from the pretzel cart into the convective cloud layer must have sparked a freezing nucleation reaction and BOOM! Instant rain.

Episode 36: Brain Drain

Kowalski: I like peanuts, and I like butter, but I do not like peanut butter... [breaks the fourth wall with a creepy grin of idiocy] WEIRD!

---

Skipper: So we’re stuck with the stupid Kowalski, well maybe it’s a good thing. I mean we were all getting tired of his big high, fleeting words like recalcitrant, right? I mean, what is that? Recalcitrant. Do I like recalcitrant to you?

Rico: Uh huh.

Kowalski: Oh YEAH! Up high!

Episode 37: Right Hand Man

Kowalski: No animal has been specified yet, but there's a destination tag.

Skipper: I'd recognize that code anywhere! It's the... it's... the Hoboken Zoo.

Kowalski: Did you say Hobo-bo-- Hobo-bo-bo-- Hobo--?!

Rico: No!

Private: You don't mean...?

Skipper: Some poor sap has a one-way ticket to North Jersey oblivion.

---

Skipper: I've rotted away in gulags, work camps, penal colonies in every dirty, flea-bitten corner of creation. But I promised myself that I would NEVER END UP IN HOBOKEN!!! AT LEAST NOT ALIVE!!! I WILL PLUCK OUT MY OWN EYEBALLS!!! I SWEAR TO YOU!!!

Episode 44: Cute-Astrophe

Julien: [once noticing the humans are unconscious by Private's Quantum Hyper Cute] Tell me, who among you is the Dark Wizard?

[The penguins step aside to show Private]

Rico: That guy.

Private: I was just trying this new little thing I could do! You know, kind of a little... [uses the Quantum Hyper Cute as the other Penguins look away] Boosh.

Julien: [lovingly] OH, LOOK AT HOW CUTE-- TOO CUTE! TOO CUTE!!

Episode 46: All Tied Up With a Boa

Skipper: Boys! Butter me up.

Kowalski: Your leadership is impeccable and your musk is an intoxicating blend of danger and… ugh.” [Skipper slaps him] Right. [sees the tray of butter and realizes what Skipper was referring to.]

Episode 48: Herring Impaired

Private: [he suddenly goes crazy] Sardines? FISH! [he runs towards Rico, who kicks him away and glares angrily]

[Private smacks into the wall and is held back by Skipper and Kowalski before he can get away]

Kowalski: Private!

Skipper: Private! Explain yourself, soldier!

Private: FISH! [laughs crazily]

Skipper: [creeped out] Kowalski, analysis!

[Kowalski measures Private's head and puts a magnifying glass next to Private's right eye]

Kowalski: Crazy eyes...[ puts a popsicle stick on Private's tongue. Private waves his flippers up and down] Babbling tongue...

[Private bites Kowalski's flipper, frees himself of their grip and runs to Rico, who pushes Private over]

Private: FISH!

Kowalski: Egad! I believe our Norwegian herring was a bit too aged.

Skipper: Never ever blame the fish, Kowalski!

Kowalski: But don't you see? [pulls out a clipboard & pencil] Private's contracted Bacterial, Pisces Dementia! A rare brain disease that's turning him into a fish-craving psychopath!

Rico: Hey! That's my thing!

Skipper: Yeah, we don't need two of those. Can he be cured?

Kowalski: It should wear off in 24 hours just as long as he doesn't feed the disease. [pulls up a chart with a fish on it] That means no fish of any kind. If Private ingests so much as a single sardine, he'll be like this forever.

Private: [he launches at the chart] FISH!

[Rico, slyly, puts the sardines in front of Private's face and pulls it away, when he tries to get it, Kowalski and Skipper hold him back and Private yells, "FISH!" Rico does it again and again and again]

Skipper: Stop that!

Kowalski: Well, on the bright side, maybe this will teach Private not to overindulge in so much brined herring. [chuckles]

Skipper: Wait, didn't you eat as much as he did? [Kowalski's right eye moves away then back to normal before showing he's been affected by the disease.]

Kowalski: Why, yes I...dooby-dooby-did! FISH!! [he lunges at Rico, but he pushes him away. Skipper keeps the two penguins away from the fish, slapping them repeatedly.]

Skipper: Looks like we're on psycho patrol, amigo. No fish for these two for the next 24 hours.

Rico: [suspicious] Uhh, what about you?

Skipper: [confidently; still slapping] Luckily, my iron-clad constitution has made me immune to this Pisces Dementia.

Rico: Oh. [looks at him]

Skipper: Seriously. [Rico stares at him again] No effect. [Rico gives one serious look] Iron-clad constitution.

[Rico smiles, thinking that it should be all right. Unfortunately, Rico panics as he stops hearing Skipper slapping Private and Kowalski. He stares at Skipper, seeing that he was affected by the disease like Private and Kowalski.]

Skipper: FIIIISH!

Rico: AHHH! [Rico quickly eats the sardines and is chased around the HQ by the three fish-craving penguins. He blocks the door.]

Rico: Uh-uh-uh! No fish!

Alice: [from outside] Feeding time!

The fish craving penguins: [pause for a while before charging up the ladder] FIIIISH!

---

Maurice: Since when did we get four Ricos?

[Alice continues to throw the fish and Rico eats it.]

Alice: Hey! Baron von Greedenstein! Save some for the rest of the flock! [She uses a long pole to hold him back.]

---

Alice: [sarcastically] Great. All full then? [the three penguins are still wanting fish] Whatever, freaks. [leaves]

Rico: Uh-uh! No fish!

Delivery Truck Driver: Yo, zookeeper lady. Where do you want this truckload of fresh cod fillets?

Rico: Aw, no!!

The fish craving penguins: FISH!!!

---

Rico: [tired] No... fish...

Factory Worker: Alright people! That tuna ain't gonna can itself!

[A siren sounds and the camera shows a conveyor belt full of fish starting up.]

Rico: [rubs his eyes in shock] Are you kidding me?! [The craving penguins try to get past Rico, who holds them back.]

The fish craving penguins: FISH! FISH! GIMME!! GIMME!!! GIMME!

Rico: NO! [As he continues to fight the penguins, Rico then sees a giant, fake fish on top of a building across the street and points to it, getting an idea.]

Rico: [opera voice] ♪FEEEESH!!!♪

[The other penguins look at what Rico's pointing to.]

The fish craving penguins: WOOHEE!!! FISH..!!!!!!

Rico: Hahaha! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go ahead! Suckers!

Episode 51: The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole

[Skipper and Alex are dodging Dr. Blowhole's missiles.]

Alex: Way to stick the landing! You were born to dance!

Skipper: [shocked] You mean like a pretty little ballerina?

Alex: You know, you are suprisingly light on those little webbed toes. Not unlike a pretty little ballerina.

[Zoom in on Skipper's horrified face.]

Skipper: [anguished] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Skipper falls to his knees as Alex jumps out of the way, letting a missile fly overhead Skipper, blowing up a rock behind him. In Dr. Blowhole's lair, a monitor reads "IMPACT".]

Dr. Blowhole: Wait! Rewind a little!

[The lobster rewinds the audio.]

Skipper's voice: [on monitor] Hans!

Dr. Blowhole: Too far back, fast forward.

[The lobster forwards the audio.]

Dr. Blowhole's voice: [on monitor] Wait! Rewind a little!

Dr. Blowhole: Too forward!

[The lobster rewinds the audio again.]

Skipper's voice: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Dr. Blowhole: No, no, that's it! Freeze it!

Lobster: You want me to freeze sound, Doc?

Dr. Blowhole: That is definitely the scream of an arch-enemy who has met his doom. [snickers evilly]

Lobster: I mean, I can freeze picture, but sound exists in a continuum.

Dr. Blowhole: I get it. Whatever.

Lobster: It's just that you ask me to do the impossible, and not the first time, I might add.

Dr. Blowhole: [threateningly] You know that big pot of water in the back, that I keep at a steady, slow boil, next to the movie butter?

Lobster: [scared] Sound is frozen.

Episode 55: When the Chips are Down

Private: OK, Mort, we have enough food for several days. I'm sure Skipper will find us soon, right?

Mort: [sniffing his finger] Mmm! My finger smells funny! [giggles] You wanna smell it?

Private: No, I'd rather conserve energy and sleep; you should do the same [starts sleeping]

Mort: Nighty-night. [stares his head left and right]

[After a time transition, Mort was revealed to eat all the food in the machine and lets out a really loud and long burp, waking Private up]

Mort: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRP!!!!!!!!

Private: Oh, what was that?

Mort: [lying on the machine, fattened up rubbing his big full Tummy] Ooh! My tummy don't feel so good.

Private: What happened? Where's the food?

Mort: Well, I got hungry.

Private: [a bit angry] So you ate everything?! Even the Cheezy Bits?!

Mort: They're not so bad after the fifth bag.

Private: [begins screaming in pain] Do you realize what you've done, Mort? We needed that food! It's doom to us both!

Mort: [sits down] Doom?!

Private: Yes, doom, doom, doom, because you're dumb, dumb, dumb! [Mort begins crying] Don't you dare crying!; Because only worse than being trapped with you the rest of my life is being trapped for the rest of my life with you crying!

[Later at The Zoo]

Private: See, Mort? It was good that you ate the food!

Mort: But you told me not too.

Private: I Know Mort! But it was good that you did anyway because it saved us! Don't you understand?

[Mort puts his paws on his Tummy as his Tummy Gurgles very loudly and he let's out a very loud and big Fart.]

Mort: I have to go potty!

Episode 61: Arch-Enemy

Skipper: One mistake little friend, we are like the three musketeers, except there are four of us and we’re birds and in no way French, but the same team mentality applies.

Dale: Couldn't care less.

Season 3

Episode 11: Antics on Ice

Skipper: Those dashed hopes would plant a dark seed of bitterness in Private's pure heart. And that baby seed will grow into a tree of hate, with leaves of cynicsm, jaded roots, and bitter hipster berries!

Private: [as a hipster in the vision] I wear glasses even though I don't need them, 'cause I'm ironic.

Episode 16: High Moltage

[Private tries to use his Quantum Hyper Cute, only for his feathers to fall out as he does.]

Kowalski: Of course, the itchy feathers. He's... [gasps] molting!

Rico: [disgusted] Ew!

Skipper: To the bunker! And cover the Private's shame.

---

[After Skipper, Kowalski and Rico scrub off the marker off of Private in a failed attempt to reverse his molting; Skipper, Kowalski and Rico look at Private in shock.]

Private: [confused] What? Did you miss a spot?

Kowalski: No, we were very... thorough. [gags]

[Upon finding out that he's completely naked, Private screams in horror, scaring away some birds as he does.]

---

Alice: [weary] Wow. That was nasty.

[In response, the zoo visitors instead recoil from Private's Anti Cute Attack.]

Private: I failed.

Episode 20: Siege the Day

Skipper: If I'm not watching total vehicular mayhem in the next five minutes... MY HEAD'LL EXPLODE!!!

Episode 22: Private and the Winky Factory

Skipper: Where's Rico?

Private: It's alright. I let him grab some of those sugar-coated marshmellow kitten treats instead.

Kowalski: Oh, that`s... [screams]

Skipper: WHAT?! YOU LET RICO HAVE MARSH MEOW-MEOWS?!

Private: So, that's not what you do then?

Episode 33: Night of the Vesuviuses

Skipper: [last lines] Even problem, not our jurisdiction.