How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock. You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Delmonico's. $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! Look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now. [He opens a cabinet with pictures of wealthy, elderly women] Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery! [To Leo] You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two... Do the books. Do the books...Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there.
That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.
How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
Bloom, look at me. Look at me, Bloom! Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life. Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm being sunk by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison. [bellowing]HELP!!!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Deutschland is happy and gay. We're marching to a faster pace: Look out, here comes the master race! Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Winter for Poland and France. Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Come on, Germans, go into your dance.
Don't be stupid! Be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi Party!
Leo: Let's assume just for the moment that you are a dishonest man.
Max: Assume away.
Franz Liebekind: You know, not many people knew it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
Max: Really, I never dreamed that...
Franz Liebekind: That is because that you were taken in by that verdammte Allied propaganda! Such filthy lies! They told lies! But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they? No! 'Win with Winnie!' Churchill! With his cigars. With his brandy. And his rotten painting, rotten! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two Coats! Churchill. He couldn't even say 'Nazi'. He would say 'Noooo-zeeehz, Nooooooooooooo-zeeehz!' It wasn't Noses! It was Nazis! Churchill!...Let me tell you this! And you're hearing this straight from the horse. Hitler was better looking than Churchill. He was a better dresser than Churchill. He had more hair! He told funnier jokes! And he could dance the pants off of Churchill!...Churchill!
Max: It's practically a love letter to Hitler!
Leo: This won't run a week.
Max: A week?! Are you nuts? This play's gotta close on Page 4!
Leo: Just think! Yesterday I was a meaningless little accountant...and today, I am the producer of a Broadway flop!
Max:[raising his glass] To failure!
Leo:[raising his glass in return] To failure!
Drunk at the end of the bar: Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you.
Leo: I would like to say something, your Honor. Not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock...Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life.
Max: Don't help me.
Leo: Not only is he a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years have dreamed of doing. But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... This man. No one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten, they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else. I never sang a song with someone else before. This man, this man, this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock who made them feel young and attractive and wanted again? That's all that I have to say.
[The ladies stand and applaud]
Max: And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson and that we'll never do it again.
[Max yanks Leo's books out of his hands and laughs triumphantly]
Leo: [enraged, shrieking]FAT!!!!!!!! FAT!!!!FAT!![punches Max in the stomach, knocking him to the floor, making him groan in agony]FAT!!!FAT!!!!!YOU FATTY!![launches himself onto Max, attacking him] Just gimme those books, you fat walrus!
Leo: Grr-rrr! YOU FAT FATTY! GIMME THOSE FAT BOOKS!!