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- Lady, it rose below vulgarity.
- To a woman accusing The Producers of being vulgar; quoted in "Great Movies: The Producers" by Roger Ebert (23 July 2000)
- Who's the dummy writing this show?!
- As the voice over for a small curly haired man in a series of cartoon animations for The Electric Company (1971), also repeated at the end of the Electric Company record. Quoted in Fast-paced Electric Company holds up after all these years" by Mike Shanley, in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (9 February 2006)
- I was in the middle of shooting the last few weeks of Blazing Saddles somewhere in the Antelope Valley, and Gene Wilder and I were having a cup of coffee and he said, I have this idea that there could be another "Frankenstein." I said not another — we've had the son of, the cousin of, the brother-in-law, we don't need another Frankenstein. His idea was very simple: What if the grandson of Dr. Frankenstein wanted nothing to do with the family whatsoever. He was ashamed of those wackos. I said, "That's funny."
- On the initial inspiration for his film Young Frankenstein, in "The Sunday Conversation: Mel Brooks on his 'Young Frankenstein' musical" in The Los Angeles Times (1 August 2010)
- Comedy is a weird but very beautiful thing. Even though it seems foolish and silly and crazy, comedy has the most to say about the human condition. Because if you can laugh, you can get by. You can survive when things are bad when you have a sense of humor.
- All About Me! My Remarkable Life in Show Business (2021) , p. 451
The 2,000 Year Old Man (1960) & sequels
- As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
- If they [presidents] can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country.
- To me, tragedy is if I'll cut my finger, that's tragedy...Comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and die.
- [explaining that Paul Revere was Anti-Semitic] He was scared they were moving into the neighborhood. "They're coming, they're coming. The Yiddish, they're coming"
- After I eat asparagus...
- You know Cuneiform? You know Sanskrit? It's neither of those.
- Angel of Death ain't kissing me! I'm full of garlic!
- It's Wheird, there's an H in there. Gotta hit that H otherwise they think I'm some sort of a kook!
- [on ancient poetry] Nog Nog! Mkellen bebog! V'luch Matuch Maluch M'tog!
- Translation: Beans Beans! The musical fruits! The more you eat...
- [on the greatest invention] Liquid Prell.
- No! You don't wear a hat on your gentles! You wear a hat on your head where you're supposed to wear a hat!
- [On Churchill's Accent] "Ve must conquer da Narjies!" Now, we were fighting and killing Nazis. We all left and went looking for Narjies!
The Producers (1967; 2005)
- Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
- Max Bialystock: I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
- Stormtrooper Mel : Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi Party!
- LSD as Adolf Hitler: Heil Baby!
- Lead Tenor Stormtrooper: Springtime, for Hitler, and Germany
Winter, for Poland and France!
- Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
- Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
The Twelve Chairs (1970)
- Hope for the best. Expect the worst.
The world's a stage. We're unrehearsed.
No way of knowing which way it's going.
Take your chances, there are no answers.
Hope for the best. Expect the worst.
Blazing Saddles (1974)
- Jim "The Waco Kid": My name is Jim, but most people call me...Jim.
- Sheriff Bart: Good mornin', ma'am! And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Old Woman: Up yours, nigger!
Jim "The Waco Kid": [consoling Bart afterwards]: What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers … these are people of the land … the common clay of the New West. You know – morons.
- Sheriff Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out.
- Sheriff Bart: Where the white women at?
- Railway Worker: You shifty nigger! They said you was hung!
Sheriff Bart : And they was right!
- Sheriff Bart [waking up a drunk Jim in jail]: Are we awake?
Jim "The Waco Kid": We're not sure. Are we...black?
Sheriff Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim "The Waco Kid": Then we're awake, but we're very puzzled.
- Sheriff Bart: Since I am your host and you are my guest what are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time?
Jim "The Waco Kid": Oh you know, play chess...screw.
Sheriff Bart: (Quickly) Let's play chess!
Young Frankenstein (1974)
- Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.
- Igor (limping off): Walk this way — and Dr. Frankenstein limps off after him.
- Dr. Frankenstein:: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?
Igor:: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban.
- Igor:: Sed-a...
Igor:: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!
- Dr. Frankenstein Damn your eyes!
Igor (pointing at his lazy eye) Too late!
History of the World, Part I (1981)
- Josephus: I'm Josephus, and I'm the main course over at the Colosseum!
- Count de Monet [consistently mispronounced as "count da money"]: Bearnaise, do we have any of those delicious raisins left?
Bearnaise: You ate yours. These are mine.
Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over!
Bearnaise [sotto voce, mimicking]: 'I paid for them! They're mine!' [Blows a raspberry]
Count de Monet: Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.
- Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting
King Louis XVI : You said it. They stink on ice.
- Impoverished Paris Street Merchant (Jack Carter): Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, or the ever-popular ratatouille.
- Other Street Merchant:Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!
- King Louis XVI [prior to his arrest]: It's good to be the king. (Also used in Robin Hood- Men In Tights and The Producers [Musical])
- Tomás de Torquemada: It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull.
- Moses : God has given us these fifteen— (after dropping one of the tablets) Oy! Ten — ten commandments!
- Revolutionary Leader: And now, let us end this meeting on a high note. [Proceeds to sing a sharp high note, followed by the rest of the revolutionaries.]
- Jail Inmates: Eighty fff....Eighty fff....Eighty fff....Eighty fff....Eighty Six!
To Be Or Not To Be (1983)
- Excuse me, is this England?
- While in a Adolf Hitler costume, after crash landing in England at the height of the Battle of Britain.
- Dark Helmet: I see your schwartz is as big as mine.
- Radar Officer: I've lost the sweeps, the bleeps, and the creeps! [Explains via vocal sound effects]
Dark Helmet [aside to Colonel Sandurz]: That's not all he's lost.
- Dark Helmet : What? You went over my helmet?
- President Skroob: What the hell, it works on Star Trek!
- Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?!
- Dark Helmet [after everyone on the bridge announces that their last name is "Asshole."]: I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes.
- Lonestar: That's all we needed, a Druish Princess!
- In the director's commentary Brooks states: I'm both proud and ashamed of that line.
- Dark Helmet : So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
- Ahchoo:Man, white men can't jump!!
- King Richard: From this day forward, all toilets in this kingdom shall be known as...'Johns'!
- Little John: Let's face it — you've got to be a man to wear tights!
- Man In Front of Castle: Hey Abbot!
- Townspeople: A black sheriff?
Blinkin: He's Black?!
Ahchoo: Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
- Robin Hood: Watch my back!
Achoo: Yo' back just got punched twice.
- Will Scarlet Blinkin, fix your boobs, you look like a bleeding Picasso.
- Blinkin Aaahhhh, you lost your arms in battle, but you grew some nice boobs (Blinkin gropes the Venus De Milo statue left behind after creditors take away Loxley Castle)
- Robin Hood: Because unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a English accent.
- Sheriff of Rotingham King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Quotes about Brooks
- Sorted alphabetically by author or source
- He understands not only with his brain but with his heart. And that might be called love. Not quite sure, but maybe that's the key.
- Anne Bancroft, in an Associated Press interview (1997)
- Mel is sensual with me. He treats me like an uncle — a dirty uncle. He's an earthy man and very moral underneath. He has traditional values.
- All the apprehensions that surface in Brooks's comedy have the same eventual source: a fear — or, to put it more positively, a hatred — of death.
- Kenneth Tynan, "Mel Brooks", Profiles (1990), p. 366