Blazing Saddles

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Blazing Saddles is a 1974 western comedy film about a corrupt political boss who, in an attempt to ruin a western town, appoints a black sheriff, who promptly becomes his most formidable adversary.

Directed by Mel Brooks. Written by Andrew Bergman, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Norman Steinberg, and Al Uger.
Never give a saga an even break!

Governor William J. Le Petomane

  • Work, work, work, work, work, work, work. (turns to the bosom of a female staffer) Hello boys! Have a good night's rest? I missed you!
  • Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over... affairs of state.


  • Alright, here we go. Hold your ears, folks. It's showtime!


  • Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degrees...! Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen! [A Chinese railroad worker collapses from heat exhaustion] Dock that Chink a day's pay for napping on the job.

Hedley Lamarr

  • There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. [searches books] "L-l-land. See snatch."
  • [monologue to the camera] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want! Wait a minute...maybe I can use this to my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the people of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town! Wherever will I find such a man? [To the camera] Why am I asking you?
  • [Hailing a cab in Hollywood] Drive me off this picture!
  • You men will be risking only your lives.... whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor!
  • [his last line, after Bart shoots him outside Graumann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood] ...How did he (Douglas Fairbanks) do such fantastic stunts - with such little feet?

Jim (The Waco Kid)

  • It got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street...and I heard a voice behind me shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around...and there I was, face-to-face with a six-year-old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass! So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.
  • [to Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?" You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
  • [as Bart puts on his guns to fight Mongo] No. Don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad.

Lili von Shtupp

  • Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, C'mon in.
  • Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks.
  • Hey there, handsome. Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
  • Why don't you, uh...loosen your bullets?
  • Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaputt!
  • Tell me, "Tex ma'am", are you in show business? Well then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage!
  • A wed wose... how womantic.


  • [on testing for quicksand] Horses? We cain't afford t'lose no horses, you dummy! Send over a couple'a niggers.


  • Mongo only pawn in game of life.


Church Congregation: [singing] Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion / Our town is turning into shit!

Bart: All right, folks...Now I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here, in the middle of a prairie, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass!
Bart: I'm hip.

Lili von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted? [sound of zipper opening] Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!
[response omitted from final cut]
Bart: I hate to disappoint you, ma'am, but you're suckin' on my arm!

Lyle: [Taunting the mainly-black railworkers] When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on! How about a good old nigger work song?
[Enraged, the workers move to attack him, but are stopped by Bart. He promptly proceeds to sing.]
Bart: [Crooning, Sammy Davis, Jr.-style, with fellow railworkers providing backing vocals] I get no kick from champagne... Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...[the bullying supervisors look immensely confused and insulted] so why then should it be true?... that I get a belt - outta you... Some get a kick from coca-yeai-yeaiiiinnnneee...
Lyle: Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit?! I meant a song! A real song! Something like [singing] "Swing low, sweet chariot"...
[The railworkers mumble to each other in mock confusion]
Lyle: Don't know that one, huh. Well how about "De Camptown Ladies"?
Bart: De Camptown Ladies?
Railworkers: De Camptown Ladies?
Lyle: Oh, you know! "De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!"
[The white supervisors begin joining in, complete with ludicrous dancing actions, much to the amusement of the railworkers. Suddenly, Taggart gallops in on a horse; he shooting wildly into the air, interrupting the song and scattering the supervisors.]
Taggart: What in the Wide World of Sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get some track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

[Gabby Johnson sees the sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson: Hey! The sheriff is a nig...
[clock bell chimes]
Harriet Johnson: What did he say?
Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff's near.
Gabby Johnson: No, gone blame it dang blammit! The sheriff is a nig...
[clock bell chimes again]

Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out...
[People cringe back and a woman faints. As he pulls out a letter instead of you-know-what, people sigh - almost sounding disappointed]
Bart: ...By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane... [People start cocking guns and pointing them at Bart] ...I hereby assume the duties of sheriff in and for the township of Rock Ridge.
Reverend: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not let anger rule the day! [waving Bible] As your spiritual leader in this town, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say!
[A hole is shot through the Bible; the Reverend turns to Bart]
Reverend: Son, you're on your own.
[The people are about to shoot Bart at his opening speech until he takes himself hostage]
Bart: [in a gruff voice, hauling himself by the collar and pressing the muzzle of his gun against his own neck] Hold it! The next man that makes a move, the nigger gets it.
Dr. Johnson: Hold it men, he's not bluffing! [all but Howard Johnson drop their guns]
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Listen to him, men; he's just crazy enough to do it!
Bart: [still gruffly, to Howard] Drop it, or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head ALL OVER THIS TOWN! [minstrel voice] Oh, Lawdy-Lawd, he's desp'at! Do what he say, do what he SAY...! [Howard slowly drops the gun]
[Bart slowly moving towards the sheriff's office, still holding himself hostage]
Harriet Johnson: Isn't anyone going to help that poor man?
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!
Bart: [minstrel voice] Oh, Oh he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! Somebody He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! [gruffly] Shut up! [covers his own mouth, pushes himself into the office] Oh, baby, you are so talented--and they are so dumb!

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: [Sees Bart for the first time] We're not sure. Are
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake. But we're very puzzled.

Bart: [Jim grabs a liquor bottle] Maybe you should have something to eat first.
Jim: Oh, no thanks. Food makes me sick [Takes a long drink]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to die!
Jim: [Eagerly] When?

Bart: What's your name?
Jim: My name's Jim, but most people call me - Jim...I used to be known as the Waco Kid.
Bart: The Waco Kid, he was the fastest gun in the West!
Jim: ...The East, too.

Bart: Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what are your pleasures? What do you like to do?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess...screw.
Bart: Well let's play chess.

[Bart walks in the saloon, dressed as a Telegram serviceman and carrying a candy box. Mongo continues to crush the struggling men behind him with a piano.]
Bart: Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo.
Mongo: Me Mongo.
Bart: [hands him a card, while the men faint] Sign, please.
[Mongo signs the card, unintentionally shredding the paper. Bart gives him the box.]
Bart: Thank you.
[The Merrie Melodies theme begins playing while Bart walks away, plugging his ears.]
Mongo: (as music pauses) Mongo like candy.
[Opens the box; it explodes in his face as the tune finishes.]

Jim: [taunting Klansmen] Hey boys! Look what I got here!
[pulls Bart out from behind a rock]
Bart: Hey, where are da white women at?
[The Klansmen chase Jim and Bart behind the rock and are quickly knocked out.]

Taggart: I got it, I got it!
Hedley Lamarr: You do? What?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em!
Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6?" I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whoppin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the womenfolks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on!
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!

Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.
[one of the townspeople refuses to budge and reminds the pastor that he's not going to let some rustlers chase him and the others out of town.]
Reverend Johnson: ...So, to close this meeting, let us read from the Books of Matthew, Mark, Luke... [a bundle of dynamite is tossed into the church through a stained-glass window] ...and DUCK! [explosion]

Taggart: Well, holy mother of pearl! It's that nigger that went and hit me over the head with a shovel! Now, just what do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?!
Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge!

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto!
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto"? "Ditto", you provincial putz?

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives...
Taggart: God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
Hedley Lamarr: Shit-kicker...

Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gun slinger in the West. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists! [Laughs hysterically and sinisterly]
Taggart: [finally finding a pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: [Groan!]

[Deleted scene: Bart dresses himself as a carnival barker and stands by a well in the middle of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and...Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions in Spanish dubloons at the bottom of the sea!
Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons?
Bart: Right on.
Mongo: Mongo take chance!
[A moment later, Bart has dressed Mongo in a deep-sea diving outfit and positioned him at the top of the well]
Mongo: Wait! Where Mongo get air?
Bart: From this wonderful antique pump.
Mongo: Good.
Bart: [closes helmet faceplate] Good hunting!
[A moment later, Mongo is underwater at the bottom of the well; Bart stops cranking the pump]
Bart: Oh. Time for my lunch break.
[Down below, a card is lowered to Mongo reading "For More Air Deposit 25¢"; he pats himself down in search of a quarter]

Taggart: We'll head them off at the pass!
Hedley Lamarr: "Head them off at the pass"? I hate that cliché!
[He shoots Taggart in the foot while Lyle runs off, not wanting to anger his boss.]

Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alky. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.
[Jim preps himself by licking his finger and blowing it; Lyle, Taggart and their men take aim at Bart]
Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One. Two. Three.
[Jim draws both of his own guns, shooting those of Taggart and Company out of their hands. The railroad workers cheer and congratulate Jim, while the villains struggle to take in what just happened]
Bart: Well, don't just stand there lookin' stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a little applause for the Waco Kid?
[Taggart, Lyle and their men grudgingly applaud Jim.]

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications.
Rapist: Rape, murder, arson and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Rapist: I like rape.
Taggart: [Chuckles] He'll do.
Hedley Lamarr: Charming. Sign right here.
[The rapist signs his name]
Hedley Lamarr: Very good. Badge. Next. Qualifications?
Gum-chewing outlaw: Arson, armed robbery...mayhem.
Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute. What have you got in your mouth?
Gum-chewing outlaw: [Stops chewing] Noth-um!
Hedley Lamarr: "Noth-um", eh? Lyle.
Lyle: [Pulls gum out of outlaw's mouth] Gum!
Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum in line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody!
Gum-chewing outlaw: [panicked] ...I didn't know there was gonna be so many! [Lamarr shoots him dead]
Jim: [Observing with Bart from a distance] Boy, is he strict!

[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]
Harriet Johnson:[quietly] To the honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor...
Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!
Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking.
[clears her throat]
[The townspeople jumps in shock.]
Harriet Johnson: ...wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky. Sign here.
[Jim, also disguised as a Klansman, covers for Bart having shown his dark-skinned hand]
Jim: Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after a weekly cross-burning? [scrubs at Bart's hand] See, it's coming off.
[Taggart pulls Bart's hood off; everyone gasps]
Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens! [he and Jim run away]

Governor William J. Le Petomane: Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered? Innocent women and children blown to bits? We've got to protect our phoney-baloney jobs, gentleman! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately, immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!" [Other staff 'harrumph' as well] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!
Hedley Lamarr: Give the governor "harrumph"!
Staff member: Harrumph!
Governor William J. Le Petomane: You watch your ass.

Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you say that, Governor.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, sir, play with this.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Oh, thank you, Hedy.
Hedley Lamarr: No, it's HEDLEY!
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?

Hedley Lamarr: ...Today, we embark on a crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the West. You will be risking only your lives, while I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Raise your right hands for the pledge. And repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks. [continues aloud]
Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance...
Men: ...pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: Hedley Lamarr...
Men: Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: THAT'S HEDLEY!
Men: That's Hedley!
Hedley Lamarr: ...and to the evil...
Men: ...and to the evil...
Hedley Lamarr: ...for which he stands.
Men: ...for which he stands.
Hedley Lamarr: Now go do... that voodoo... that YOU do... SO WELL...! [Men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]

[En route to Rock Ridge, Taggart and his army find a tollbooth in their way. The toll is 10 cents and the tollbooth is named the Gov. William J. Le Petomane Toll Thruway.]
Taggart: [reading sign] "Le Petomane Throughway." Now what'll that asshole think of next? Does anybody got a dime [assorted negative responses from the men] Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!
[An hour later, the Rock Ridge residents have planted dynamite in their mockup town and the men are going through the tollbooth, one at a time.]
Taggart: Hurry up! Speed it up! Faster, faster! Oh, we ain't ever gonna git to Rock Ridge!

Buddy Bizarre: CUT! What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set.
Taggart: [runs up to Buddy] Piss on you! I'm workin for Mel Brooks! [Prepares to punch Buddy]
Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face.
[Taggart complies and punches Buddy in the stomach instead]
Buddy Bizarre: Thank you.

[LAST LINES: riding out of Rock Ridge, Bart finds Jim outside the town jail. He still has his popcorn from the movie theater.]
Jim: Where you headed, cowboy?
Bart: Nowhere special.
Jim: Nowhere special...I always wanted to go there.
[Bart smiles invitingly at his old friend.]
Bart: Come on, then.
[They ride off together, but stop just outside town and hand the horses off to a wrangler so they can drive away in a waiting car.]


Wikipedia has an article about: