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The Road to El Dorado

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Miguel and Tulio! Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and powerful gods!

The Road to El Dorado is a 2000 DreamWorks animated film about two thieves, Miguel and Tulio, who accidentally discover El Dorado, the city of gold, where they are mistaken for gods.

Directed by Eric "Bibo" Bergeron and Don Paul. Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, as well as additional sequences directed by Will Finn and David Silverman, based on the 1994 book Conquest: Montezuma, Cortés and the Fall of Old Mexico by Hugh Thomas.
They came for the gold... they stayed for the adventure.

Tulio

[edit]
  • Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice!
  • Well, it was nice working with you, partner.
  • HOLY SHIP!
  • Because the High Priest is NUTS!
  • Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt!
  • I'm trying! I'm trying! I can't think with all these distractions!
  • [rising anger] Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... great... big... ROCK! [Tulio's voice echoes across the misty environment]
  • Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!
  • Uh, I wonder how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it.
  • All right. Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... one of those longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no mañana!
  • I'm on the verge of... STOP! [silence, as "STOP!" echoes]

Miguel

[edit]
  • And they call us Miguel and Tulio!
  • Tulio, I just want you to know... I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.
  • We'll follow that trail!
  • Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible! And it is! It really is the map to El Dorado!
  • I have been around boats, believe me, and that, um, the pointy, tall, um, the long up and down thing.
  • You know, speaking of kings, the chief and the high priest seem a bit, uh, tense.
  • [to Tzekel-Kan] Hey, it was his stupid plan!
  • But, Tulio, this place is amazing.
  • Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end.
  • The gods are speaking for themselves now! This city, and these people have no need for you anymore! There will be no sacrifices! Not now, not ever! Now get out!
  • Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck?

Chel

[edit]
  • Oh, then I suppose you'll be wanting these back?
  • I'm not really asking you to trust me, am I?
  • Uh, Chief? The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the glory that has been shown them.
  • Tulio! The hip! The hip!
  • Save it for the High Priest, honey, you're gonna need it.
  • What is he gonna think when he sees a god with me?

Tzekel-Kan

[edit]
  • You do not want the tribute?
  • Well, as speaker for the gods, it would be my privilege to point them out.
  • My Lord, these people will not respect if they do not fear you.
  • [first words] Behold! As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgement is now! Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us?
  • As the "gods" command.
  • O mighty lords! Come. Let me show you to your temple.
  • To commemorate your arrival, I propose a reverent ceremony at dawn.
  • But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. They're like snakes, they are, spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating, with no remorse. Spinning webs of lies, like spiders!
  • [last words] Wait! 'NO, WAIT! WAIT!
  • Now everyone will know the truth of your divinity.
  • Finally, we're connecting.

Chief Tannabok

[edit]
  • My lords, why now do you choose to visit us?
  • You know, Lord Miguel, if you wish to stay, you only need to say so.
  • STOP! [the natives stop; a gold plate rolls toward the cliff and Tulio stops it with his foot] They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!
  • The mast?
  • Oh, we expected you to be staying with us for the next thousand years.
  • Big smile. Like you mean it. A-one, two, three.
  • Ah, then perhaps I could prepare a glorious feast for you tonight.

Hernán Cortés

[edit]
  • Today, we sail to conquer the new world, for Spain, for glory, for gold!
  • [to Tzekel-Kan] You lying heathen. There's nothing here at all.
  • [Miguel and Tulio have been brought to Cortes, having been discovered hiding on his ship] My crew was chosen as carefully as the Disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways. You will be flogged. And when we put in to Cuba to resupply, *God willing*, you will be flogged some more. And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig!
  • There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men.
  • It better be there, for your sake.

Zaragoza

[edit]
  • Your dice are loaded!
  • One more roll!
  • A map of the wonders of the new world.
  • Not with those! This time we use my dice.

Acolyte

[edit]
  • They've been cleared for the streets, my lord, so the city can be cleansed, as you ordered.
  • I don't know.
  • Yes. So the Age of the Jaguar can begin, as you ordered, my lord.
  • But, my lord, anyone who disobeys your orders must be punished, as your ordered.
  • Tzekel-Kan has made your commands clear, my lord.

Others

[edit]
  • The Cook: Hey, Altivo! Ah-ta-ta, not for you! You're on half rations. Orders from Cortes.
  • Warrior: I'm okay! [the foot squishes the man then he roaring] I'm still okay!
  • Native: Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! Approaching the city, is an army of strangers. [Chief: We are safe here. They'll never find the gate to the city.] But, sire, they are being led by Tzekel-Kan.
  • Kid #1: The Gods deserve a proper tribute.
  • Kid #2: Stop! There will be no sacrifices!

Dialogue and Quotes

[edit]
[first lines, as the theme song begins by Elton John playing, then cut to Spain]
Cortes: [scoops the water up in his cup] Today, we sail to conquer the new world, for Spain, for glory, for gold!
[the crowd cheer]
Man: Viva Cortes!
[the guns fire at the horse, spilling water on his shirt]
Cortes: Altivo, eyes forward. [throws a cup at the poster at two men named Miguel and Tulio, saying, "WANTED REWARD 100 DOUBLOONS"]
Tulio: Seven!
Miguel: All right! Yes!
Tulio: Partner! Hee-hee! [grabs the dice]
Miguel: ♪Tons of gold for you!♪
Tulio: Hey! ♪Tons of gold for me!♪
Zaragoza: Hey!
Miguel and Tulio: ♪Tons of gold for we!♪
Zaragoza: HEY!
[they both stop dancing, then Miguel stops playing the guitar]
Zaragoza: ONE MORE ROLL! [Miguel plucks his guitar]
Tulio: Uh, guys, you're broke! You got nothin' to bet with!
Zaragoza: Oh, yeah? I got this!
Man: A map!
Tulio: A map?
Miguel: A map!
Zaragoza: A map of the wonders of the new world.
Miguel: Wow! Let's have a look. [points at the map, grabbing it] Uh, Tulio!
Tulio: Excuse us, for one moment, please.
Miguel: Tulio, look! El Dorado, the city of gold. This could be our destiny, our fate.
Tulio: Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice.
Miguel: Hmmm.
Tulio: Not the face. No, no, no, no, no. No! No! No! No! No! No!
[Miguel pants like a dog]
Zaragoza: [grabs the map] I said one more roll! My map against your cash.
Miguel: Hmm?
Tulio: All right, peewee. You're on!
Zaragoza: Not with those! This time we use my dice. Ehh, got a problem with that?
Tulio: [shakes his head] No. [grabs the dice, whispering to Miguel] I'm going to kill you.
[the map lands on the coins, then Miguel starts playing on the guitar]
Tulio: Come on, baby. Papa needs that crappy map.
[Miguel plays a guitar by the woman, giggling, then Tulio hands a dice to a woman, walking away, blowing his dice]
Tulio: [to Miguel] Stop that!
[Miguel stops playing on his guitar]
Tulio: Show me seven!
[Miguel looks at the dice, spinning around, landing on the ground, then they all cheer]
Tulio: Seven!
Miguel: All right!
Tulio: Seven!
[Zaragoza groans, then Miguel grabs a map by Zaragoza]
Tulio: [laughing] There it is! Well, nice doing business with you!
[the dice roll on the ground by Zaragoza]
Zaragoza: [pounds on the ground] I KNEW IT!
[Tulio grabs the dice by Zaragoza, then Miguel continues playing his guitar]
Zaragoza: YOUR DICE ARE LOADED!
Tulio: [grabs the guitar by Miguel] What? You gave me loaded dice? [the face hits on the guard] He gave me loaded dice! Guard, arrest him!
Miguel: You dare to impugn my honor? He was the one who was cheating? Arrest him! He tricked these sailors and took their money!
Tulio: Oh, now I'm the thief?
Miguel: Yes.
Tulio: Take a look in the mirror, pal!
Miguel: Oh, you better give them that money back, or I'll... [takes a sword out] EN GARDE!
Tulio: En garde, yourself. I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death. [takes a small sword] But not with that. [takes a big sword out] Never mind. Ha! I prefer to fight fairly. Aha! [they both fight]
Tulio: Well, any last words?
Miguel: I will cut you to ribbons, fool!
Tulio: Such mediocrity.
Miguel: Let your sword do the talking. I will. It will be loquacious to a fault!
Tulio: Ha! Take that! [they both fight their swords, jumping on a table]
Tulio: You, mincing, fencing, twit.
Miguel: You fight like my sister.
Tulio: I've fought your sister. That's a compliment.
Miguel: Blackguard!
Tulio: Heathen! [trips and falls to the ground] Not the face. not the face.
Miguel: Ah, you fight like my sister.
Tulio: I fought your sister. That's a compliment.
Miguel: BRAGGART!
Tulio: Heathen! [steps on a roof, breaking the piece, falling down]
Man: Kill him!
Miguel: Not the face. Not the face. [grabs another sword]
[they all gasp and clamor]
Tulio: Ladies and gentlemen, we've decided it's a draw.
Miguel: [throws swords at the guard] Thank you all for coming. You've been great. See you seen.
Tulio: Adios!
[they both fall to the ground]
Miguel: Congratulations. You're very good.
Tulio: No. That was good.
Miguel and Tulio: Very...
[the bull appears at Tulio and Miguel, gasping, then mooing, then snorting]
Miguel: We should have kept our swords, I think.
Tulio: Yeah. [whispering] Yeah, I've got a plan. What is it? Uh, well... Uh, you pet him...
Miguel: Yeah.
Tulio: ...and I'll RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
[they both start running]
Miguel: Uh, well, thanks a lot!
[the bull charges at Tulio and Miguel, climbing up on a wall, knocking the wall, sliding down, running at the men]
Man: There they are! Yikes! Hide it! [the bull appears, then the men run away, then the bull continues charging at Tulio and Miguel, the the guards appear, taking the swords out, then they go inside with a woman screaming]
Tulio: Bye. Thank you! [the guards gasps, then the bull knocks the guards over, with pieces flying in the air, with a hat rolling down the stairs, then they climb up, then they swing down, with clothes falling on the guards, then they land on the building, shooting arrows at them, then they look down at the barrels filled with water]
Miguel: I'll bet we can make that.
Tulio: Two pesetas says we can't.
Miguel: You're on! [they both jump of the edge and land in two barrels] You lose! [Tulio flips two pesetas into Miguel's barrel, Almost immediately, ropes are thrown around the two barrels and they are hoisted into the air.]
Tulio: What's happening here?
Miguel: We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge. [the man lowers the barrels on the ship, then the men roll the barrels, putting the barrels on the floor, then they spit their corks out]
Tulio: Okay, Miguel, we gotta move fast. On III, we jump out and we head for the dock.
Miguel: Good. Good. Okay. Excellent.
Miguel and Tulio: 1, 2, 3. [the men put the chest on the boat as grunting] 3! 3! Ohh, 3! [cut at night, showing the half moon]
Tulio: [off-screen] Uh, you ready? Ah, okay. One more. Let's go.
Miguel and Tulio: One, two, three! [they pop out their barrels, then they hear a fly buzzing and the wind whistling]
Tulio: Excuse us.
Miguel: Okay. We're outta here.
Tulio: Who ordered the, uh, pickles? [the guards locked Tulio and Miguel]
Miguel: Cortes!
Cortes: My crew was as carefully chosen as the disciples of Christ. [cracks his knuckles] And I will not tolerate stowaways. [Tulio gulps] You will be flogged. And when we put Cuba to resupply, God willing, you will be flogged some more, and then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig.
Miguel: All right! Cuba!
[the guard carries Tulio and Miguel to the brig, then cut to the ships, then the man whistles, carrying apples to Altivo, chuckling, then nickering]
Man: Hey, Altivo! Ah-ta-ta, not for you! You're on half rations. Orders from Cortes.
[the apple drops on Miguel, gasps, then Miguel looks at Tulio banging on the wall]
Miguel: So, uh, how's the... How's the escape plan coming?
Tulio: All right. All right. Wait! I'm getting something.
Miguel: Yeah.
Tulio: [continues banging his head on the wall] Okay. Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no mañana!
[Pause]
Miguel: Back to Spain, yeah?
Tulio: Yeah.
Miguel: [uncertainly] In a rowboat.
Tulio: You got it.
Miguel: [sarcastically] Great. Sensational. And that, that's your plan, is it?
Tulio: That's pretty much it.
Miguel: [Delighted] Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck?
Tulio: Hmm. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats...
Miguel: [bored; sarcastic] Oh, great!
Tulio: [annoyed] Oh, okay, what's your idea, smart guy?!
Miguel: [also annoyed] Wha-wha-what do you mean? Don't ask me that! You're the one with the plans. :[they hear Altivo whinnying]
Miguel: Wait, I... I have an idea. Uh, come on. Give me. Give me a boost. [holds the apple] Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end.
Tulio: Miguel, you're talking to a horse!
Miguel: Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar!
Tulio: Yes, "find the pry bar". He can't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he'd- [Altivo drops keys into the brig] Well. It's not a pry bar.
[cut at night, closing the top, then Miguel walks backwards, then Tulio takes the bag and barrel, then Altivo taps Miguel]
Miguel: Oh, Altivo. Oh, thank you, old boy. Listen, if we can ever return the favor...
[Altivo sniffs at Miguel]
Tulio: For Pete's sake, Miguel, he's a ruthless warhorse, not a poodle. Come on, before he licks you to death.
Miguel: [to Altivo] Adios.
[Altivo whines, then he goes in a boat, then he looks in a boat]
Miguel: Shh, shh. Shh. Quiet, please.
Tulio: What's the matter with him?
Miguel: Oh, he wants his apple. Well, give it to him before he wakes the whole ship!
Tulio: Fetch! [throws an apple at Altivo, bouncing on the curtain, the pole, the telescope, then the apple splashes in the water, then Altivo dives in the water to try to get the apple]
Miguel: Altivo!
Tulio: Huh? Miguel!
[Miguel dives in the water, then the boat lands in the water]
Miguel: Altivo, I'm coming!
Tulio: Miguel! Just hang on!
Miguel: I'm right here, old boy!
Tulio: Have you lost your mind?
Miguel: Help is coming!
Tulio: [gasping, seeing a ship] Holy ship!
[the ship knocks Tulio and Miguel, splashing in the water, then they all gasp, then the crate breaks]
Tulio: Loop the rope under the horse!
Miguel: Yes! [takes an inhale, swimming underwater, grabbing Tulio]
Tulio: On the count of three, pull back on the rope.
Miguel: What? [gasping]
Tulio: Three!
[the ship splashes on Tulio and Miguel]
Tulio: Pull!
[Tulio and Miguel fall in the water, then they hold on the crate]
Miguel: Tulio! Hey, it worked!
[they climb on the boat]
Tulio: Did any of the supplies make it?
Miguel: Well, um, yes and no.
[Altivo is shown eating the few supplies that made it into the boat.]
Tulio: [sarcastically] Ohh, great!
Miguel: Tulio, look on the positive side. At least things can't get-
[Thunder claps and rain falls.]
Tulio: Excuse me, were-were you about to say "worse"?
Miguel: No.
Tulio: No?
Miguel: No.
Tulio: You sure?
Miguel: Absolutely not. I've revised that whole thing.
Tulio: Yeah. We're at least in a rowboat.
Miguel: We're in a rowboat. Exactly. You miss nothing.
[they all look at the shark fins, then they continue rowing, then hearing a clap of thunder, with waves moving, then they hear a seagull, then the seagull lands on a paddle, coughing, laying down, then they smack their lips, then the shark eats the seagull on a paddle, then they all sob, then cut to evening, then they continue rowing the boat]
Miguel: Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?
Tulio: [pauses] The horse is a surprise.
Miguel: Any... regrets?
Tulio: Besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold.
Miguel: My regret, besides dying, is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.
Tulio: Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure! [he starts crying]
Miguel: And if it's any consolation, Tulio, [sniffles] you made my life... rich! [he also cries]
[Altivo snorts in irritation; the boat has been drifting near land the whole time.]
Miguel: Tulio! We've done it!
Tulio: What's that? The map?
Miguel: It's all right here!
Tulio: You still have the map?!
Miguel: The whistling rock! The stream!
Tulio: You kept the map, but you couldn't grab a little more food?!
Miguel: Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible! And it is! It really is the map to El Dorado!
Tulio: [flatly] You drank seawater, didn't you?
Miguel: [frustrated] Oh, come on!
Tulio: I'm not "coming on"! I wouldn't set foot in that jungle for a million pesetas!
[Tulio starts to head back to the rowboat; Miguel gets an idea.]
Miguel: [smirking] How about... a hundred million?
Tulio: [stops] What?
Miguel: I just thought that, after all, since El Dorado's the city of gold...
Tulio: What's your point?
Miguel: You know, dust, nuggets, bricks. A temple, where you could pluck gold from the very walls, but you don't want go! So let's go back to the boat and row back to Spain! After all, it worked so well last time.
[Miguel pretends to head back to the boat; Tulio changes his mind and hurriedly stops him.]
Tulio: [sputters] Wait! Hmm. Wait a minute. New plan. We find the City of Gold. We take the gold... and then we go back to Spain.
Miguel: And buy Spain!
Tulio: Yeah!
Miguel: That's the spirit! [grabs the sword] Come on, Tulio. We'll follow that trail!
Tulio: What trail?
Miguel: [chopping the vines] The trail that we blaze!
[the vines fall down, revealing a rock, long pause]
Miguel: That trail that we blaze!
[the music begins "The Trail We Blaze" by Elton John playing]
Tulio: [grabs a leash] Oh, no, you don't.
[Altivo bites Tulio's butt]
Tulio: YEOW! Your horse bit me in the butt! [the snake hisses at Bibo, chopping the snake, then they walk down, pointing right]
Miguel: Charge! [Altivo rides down, stopping by Tulio, then Tulio grabs a map by Miguel, looking at the map]
Tulio: What are you looking at? [looks at Bibo] Whoa! [Altivo carries Tulio, riding down, going to the bird, then Miguel looks at a map, then Tulio walks away by Miguel, chopping the leaves, then Tulio jumps in the water, then Miguel takes the bugs/leeches off of Tulio, the Tulio walks on the rocks, then the fish bites Tulio's butt, running away, then Miguel brings a fish to Tulio]
Miguel: Dinner is served.
Tulio: Hello. [Tulio and Miguel jump in the water, then the monkey looks at Tulio and Miguel in the water, then the monkeys put clothes on, then the monkey puts his pants on, then the monkeys run away, then they get out, running away to try put the clothes back on, the the monkeys wave at Tulio, Miguel and Altivo, after they put clothes back on, then they look around, then they walk on a log, then they hear a thunderclap, starting to pour rain, then they ride down, leaping on stones, then Miguel looks at a map, then Tulio grabs a map, then they walk down, then the butterflies fly out, then they all walk up, then walking down, then the wood breaks, then they all fall down, then Bibo falls down, hitting the stone, then the map lands on Tulio, looking at it, looking around]
Tulio: Hmm. [scratches the stone] Miguel. Miguel, wake up. We're there. Oh, yeah. We found it. We found it?
Miguel: Oh! Fantastic! Where is it? How far?
Tulio: Right here!
Miguel: Where?
Tulio: Here.
Miguel: Behind the rock?
Tulio: No, no. This is it.
Miguel: [stammering, grabbing a map] Give me that! This ca... What?
Tulio: Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... "Great... Big... ROCK!" [silence, as "ROCK!" echoes] Hey, but I tell you what. I'm feeling generous, so you can have my share!
Miguel: Tulio, you don't think, Cortes could've gotten here before us and, and-
Tulio: And what? Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!
Miguel: Tulio, you... We have to think about this. We've come all this way, and we should really, you know...
Tulio: Get on the horse!
[Miguel sighs]
Tulio: No, no, no, not with the face. [picks Miguel up] Stop. [clears throat] Looks like there's a pass right over there.
[A woman named Chel. She runs up to hold bag of gold? A Tulio and Miguel, bumping to Altivo, then Altivo walks backwards, then the guards run up, then they gasp]
Miguel and Tulio: Hyah!
[the guards stop by Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo snorts, then Chel throws a rock to Tulio, then Tulio throws a rock to Chel, then throwing the rock back and forth]
Tulio: [chuckling] I've...
[the rock hits Tulio]
Tulio: Uh, hello. Is this your rock? Sorry. We were just looking. We're, uh... We're tourists! Tourist. [clears throat] We lost our group. May we go now?
[Acolyte points at Tulio, gasping]
Tulio: [chuckling] Spears.
[Acolyte points the spear, then the guards follow by Acolyte, the Bibo looks at the stone, then the guard takes the rock to Chel]
Chel: Hey! Hey!
[Bibo looks at the guards, looking at the guards, then Acolyte walks in the waterfall, then they walk in the cave, then they get off of Altivo, then they walk in the boat, then Chel sits in the boat, then Miguel whistles, then the rocks fall down, then they look at the vines, gasping, then they all look at the light, gasping]
Miguel: Oh, my... It's... It's...
Miguel and Tulio: [whispering] El Dorado.
[the boats continue riding down, with butterflies flying up, then Miguel looks at the fish, then Altivo puts a tail in the boat, then a boy walking with a woman with a pot, dropping it, then Bibo swims in a backstroke, then the boat arrives at the building, with a man running in the building, then cut to Chief, with a man whispering at Chief, then Acolyte walks in a building by Tzekel-Kan, chanting, then Acolyte whispers to Tzekel-Kan, pushing Acolyte, then cut back to Tulio and Miguel, walking up to the building]
Tulio: Well, it was nice working with you, partner.
Miguel: Tulio, I just want you to know. I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.
Tulio: So... You... You, f...
Tzekel-Kan: BEHOLD! As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgement is now!
[they both gasp, then Chief walks by Tzekel-Kan]
Tzekel-Kan: Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us?
[they all look around]
Miguel: Hmm.
Tzekel-Kan: [chuckling] My lords, I am Tzekel-Kan, your devoted high priest and speaker for the gods.
Tulio: Hey.
Chief: I am Chief Tannabok. What names may we call you?
Miguel: Huh? I am Miguel.
Tulio: And I am Tulio.
Miguel: [gets off of Altivo, getting tangled up by the foot] And they call us Miguel and Tulio!
Tzekel-Kan: Your arrival has been greatly anticipated.
Chief: My lords, how long will you be staying in El Dorado?
[Chel looks up]
Tzekel-Kan: Aha! [grabs Chel] I see you've captured this temple-robbing thief. [takes Chel] How would you have us punish her?
Chel: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! My lord, I am not a thief. See, the gods sent me vision to bring them tribute from the temple to guide them here. My only wish is to serve the gods.
[Tzekel-Kan continues holding Chel]
Tulio: Release her, don't ya think?
Tzekel-Kan: [lets go of Chel] Then you will begin by returning this to its rightful place.
[Bibo climbs out of the water]
Chief: My lords, why now do you choose to visit us?
Tzekel-Kan: Enough! You do not question, the gods!
Miguel: That's right! Do not question us, or we shall have to unleash our awesome and terrible power! And you don't want that!
Tzekel-Kan: WELL, YES! WE DO!
Miguel: You do?
Tzekel-Kan: OF COURSE WE DO! VISIT YOUR WRATH UPON THIS NONBELIEVER! SHOW US THE TRUTH OF YOUR DIVINITY!
Tulio: Divinity! One moment.
[they all walk down]
Tulio: Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!
Miguel: Well, I'm sorry. I just got carried away!
Tulio: Way away!
Miguel: Maybe we should tell the truth and then beg for mercy.
Tulio: Are you nuts? We'd be butchered alive!
Miguel: Yes, but they're getting suspicious. And if we don't come up with some mega-cosmic event...
[the volcano continues rumbling, then erupting]
Tulio: I'm trying! I'm trying! I can't think with all these distractions! You... Horse... Think horse.
Miguel: Think, think, think.
Tulio: I'm on the verge of... STOP! [echoing] Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
[the smoke goes back in the volcano, then coughing, then they gasp, then they look around, then they put their hands out, then they all chant]
Miguel: [to Acolyte] Don't make me start it up again, 'cause I will.
[Acolyte bows down, then they walk to Tzekel-Kan, bowing down, then Chief bows down]
Tzekel-Kan: O mighty lords! Come. Let me show you to your temple.
Miguel: All right! Temple.
Tzekel-Kan: [to Chief] Step aside. [walks up the stairs]
[they all walk up the stairs, then they walk in the building, then Tulio and Miguel climb up, then Chief and Tzekel-Kan look at Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo climbs up, then they open a curtain, then they bow, then they go in]
Tzekel-Kan: To commemorate your arrival, I propose a reverent ceremony at dawn.
Chief: Ah, then perhaps I could prepare a glorious feast for you tonight.
Tzekel-Kan: Which would you prefer?
Miguel: Both.
Tulio: Both.
Miguel and Tulio: Both.
Miguel: Both is good.
Chief: My lords.
Tzekel-Kan: My lords.
[they both close the curtain]
Tzekel-Kan: And so dawns the Age of the Jaguar. Happy new year. [chuckling, walking away by Chief]
[cut back to Tulio and Miguel]
Miguel: Hey!
Tulio: Hey. Hey.
[Miguel laughs, tapping Tulio, then they laugh, then Altivo walks on the water]
Miguel: Tulio. Tulio. They actually think we're gods.
Tulio: It's an entire city of suckers.
[Chel looks at Miguel, Tulio, and Altivo]
Tulio: We just have to keep this up long enough, to load up on the gold and then get the hell out of here!
Miguel: Tulio, we'll be living like kings!
Tulio: Miguel and Tulio!
Miguel: Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and powerful...
Miguel and Tulio: Gods!
Chel: Hello. [both yells out; Chel bursts out laughing]
Tulio: Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt! [Chel hums calmly]
Miguel: Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone! [mimics lightning bolt] Ck-ck!
Chel: [smiling] Save it for the High Priest, honey. You're gonna need it.
Miguel: Ck-ck!
Tulio: Miguel, it's not working.
Miguel: Ck-ck!
Tulio: Miguel! We've been caught.
Miguel: Ck-ck...
Chel: Oh, no. Don't worry about me. "My only wish is to serve the gods." Remember?
Tulio: How?
Chel: Well, you guys both want the gold and you don't want to get caught, right? You're going to need my help.
Miguel: What makes you think we need your help?
Chel: [mimics Miguel's lightning sound] "Ck-ck!" Are you serious? [Altivo laughs in a neigh. Miguel and Tulio stammer in disbelief]
Miguel: Okay. So, uh, who are you?
Tulio: Yeah, uh, what's your angle?
Chel: [chuckles] No angle. I want in.
Tulio: In?
Chel: On the scam.
Tulio: [chuckles nervously] There's no scam. Why would you think there's a s-? [suddenly serious] Why?
Chel: [chuckles] So I can get out.
Miguel: I thought she just said she wanted in?
Tulio: She wants in so she can get out.
Miguel: Aha! Got it. [confused] Why?
Chel: Think you're the only ones who dream of better things? Of adventure? You've got your reasons, and I've got mine. Let's not make it personal, okay? It's just business.
Miguel and Tulio: Oh.
Chel: [puts both her arms around Miguel and Tulio] So, when you guys are ready to go back to wherever you came from, I'm going with you.
Tulio: [bursts out laughing and gently removes Chel's hand from behind his neck] No! Don't think so. [Miguel coughs and whistles]
Chel: All right. Fine. [chuckles and hits Miguel and Tulio's chests as she passes them] After all, I'm sure you know the proper rituals for blessing a tribute, the holiest days on the calendar, oh, and of course you know all about Xibalba. [pinches Tulio's cheek and giggles] Okay? Good luck. [Tulio rubs his cheek] See you at the execution.
Tulio: [sputters] Wait! Ho- Would you- Hold it.
Chel: [chuckles] Deal?
Tulio: Hmm.
Miguel: [stretches hand out] Deal.
Tulio: [pull Miguel's hand away] Not yet. Let's just see how this works out.
Chel: Uh-huh. Well, then, I suppose that means you'll want these back? [produces Tulio's dice in her hand]
Tulio: [pats his vest pocket, shocked] How'd you get those? [snatches them back from Chel and replaces them in his vest pocket]
Miguel: [raising eyebrows] Where was she keeping them?
Chel: Call me, Chel, your new partner.
Tulio: Uh, that's partner-in-training.
Chel: Now, put these on. Your public's waiting.
Tulio: [he and Miguel are about to undress, but Tulio stops.] Do you mind?
Chel: [not realizing what Tulio meant.] No. [suddenly, she gets the idea.] Oh! Oh! Oh! Right. Uh, excuse me. [Miguel struggles to take his shoe of.] Bye.
Miguel: Mm-mm-mmm! Maybe they should call this place "Chel Dorado."
Tulio: [distracted] She's whoo- [breaks distraction] Whoa, she's trouble! Wait a minute!
Miguel: What?
Tulio: The little voice? Remember the little voice? Well, just for a second, imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel?
Miguel: Hmm... [purrs]
Tulio: No. No. Listen. We are partners.
Miguel: We're partners.
Tulio: We have a plan, remember?
Miguel: Get the gold, go back to Spain.
Tulio: Yes. And we are pretending to be Gods now. Put Chel in the mix. What is the voice saying? Listen carefully.
Miguel: [hesitantly] Chel is...off-limits, hmm?
[game show bell dings]
Tulio: Bravo! Chel is off-limits! Shake on it. [he and Miguel do a secret handshake.] Off-limits.
Miguel: Besides, we're supposed to be Gods. We must avoid giving in to temptation.
Tulio: Gods. [cloth falls down, but Tulio catches it and ties it back up again.] Oh. [embarrassed] This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
Miguel: Tulio, relax. All you have to do is smile, act Godly and follow my lead.
[Tulio gasps]
Chief: Big smile. Like you mean it. A-one, two, three.
["It's Tough to Be a God" begins]
Tulio: ♪I hardly think I'm qualified. To come across all sanctified. I just don't cut it with the cherubim.♪
[the baby bites Tulio's finger]
Miguel: Tulio, what are you talking about? ♪There again, they're on their knees. Being worshipped is a breeze. Which rather suits us in. The interim.♪
Tulio: ♪Interim, interim, it's me and him.♪ Oh, my God!
All: ♪It's tough to be a god!♪
Tulio: ♪Tread where mortals have not trod. Be deified when really you're a sham!♪
[Altivo bites the fruit]
Tulio: ♪Be an object of devotion, be the subject of psalms!♪
Miguel: ♪It's a rather touching notion! All those prayers and those salaams!♪
Tulio: ♪And who am I to bridle? If I'm forced to be an idol? If they say that I'm a god. That's what I am! What's more if we don't comply, with the locals' wishes, I can see us being sacrificed. Or stuffed.♪
Miguel: You have a point there. Very good thinking. ♪So let's be gods! The perks are great!♪
Tulio: Yeah!
Miguel: ♪El Dorado on our plates.♪
Tulio: Thank you.
Miguel: ♪Local feelings should not be rebuffed.♪
Tulio: ♪Never rebuffed. I never rebuff a local feeling. No, my friend.♪
All: ♪It's tough to be a god! But if you get the people's nod! Count your blessings! Yeah, keep 'em sweet! That's our advice!♪
Miguel: It's great advice!
All: ♪Be a symbol of perfection! Be a legend, be a cult! Take their praise, take a collection! As the multitudes exalt!♪
Miguel: ♪Don a supernatural habit!♪
Tulio: ♪We'd be crazy not to grab it!♪
Miguel: You got it!
All: ♪So sign on two new gods for paradise! Paradise!♪
[they both tap their cups, then Chief dances with the group, then Altivo dances, laying down on the ground, fade to black]
[then cut to Tulio and Miguel sleeping, then Tzekel-Kan appears, then they both gasp]
Tzekel-Kan: Good morning, my lords!
Miguel: He's back!
Tulio: Oh, no.
Tzekel-Kan: And now it's my turn! THE GODS HAVE AWAKENED! [echoing]
[they all cheer, then Tulio falls to the ground]
Tulio: Mm-hmm.
[Chel throws flower petals on the ground]
Tulio: Hey, Chel, what's going on?
Chel: It's not gonna be good.
Tulio: Thank you.
Tzekel-Kan: This city has been granted a great blessing. And what have we done to show our gratitude? A meager celebration. THE GODS DESERVE A PROPER TRIBUTE!
[the woman reveal a bag, then they shake their head]
Tzekel-Kan: The beginning of a new era, the dawning of a new age, demands, sacrifice!
[the bag reveals a man, then they all gasp]
Tulio: I don't like this.
Miguel: Tulio, we've got to do something.
[Tzekel-Kan starts to perform a human sacrifice.]
Tulio: Stop!
Tzekel-Kan: Hmm?
[Miguel and Tulio walk up to victim.]
Tulio: This is not a proper tribute!
[Miguel rescues the intended victim and drags him to safety.]
Tzekel-Kan: [surprised] You do not want the tribute?
Miguel: No. No, no. W-We want tribute. Uh, it's just that, um... Tulio, tell him.
Tulio: The stars are not in position for this tribute!
Miguel: Like he said! Stars...can't do it. Not today.
Tzekel-Kan: [uncertain] Ah. Perhaps it is possible that I... misread the heavens.
Miguel: Don't worry about it. To err is human. To forgive. Hmm.
Chief: My lords, may the people of El Dorado offer you our tribute. [points at the women natives carrying gold]
[Tulio gasps, looking at the people holding gold]
Chief: My lords, does this please you?
[Tulio sighs]
Miguel: Yes, very nice.
Tulio: Certainly acceptable.
Miguel: Yes, lovely. It'll do.
Chief: The gods have chosen! To Xibalba?
[the crowd murmur]
Chel: No. No.
Miguel and Tulio: To Xibalba!
Chel: Oh, great.
Crowd: [chanting] Xibalba! Xibalba!
[the woman throws gold in the whirlpool, then they look at the gold falling in the whirlpool]
Miguel: Hey, Chel, um, what are they doing?
Chel: They're sending it Xibalba, the spirit world.
[the gold continues falling the whirlpool]
Tulio: The spirit world.
Chel: I'll take care of it. [clears throat] Um, excuse me, Chief. The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the reverence that has been shown them.
Chief: STOP!
[they all stop throwing gold in the whirlpool, then a gold plate rolls towards the cliff by Tulio, and stops it with his foot]
Chief: They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!
[Chel walks by Tulio and Miguel]
Tulio: Nice going.
[they all walk in, then Chief chuckles]
Tzekel-Kan: Smile while you can.
[cut to Cortes, breaking a skull]
Cortes: [looking around] Well, well, well, what have we here? [evil chuckle]
[cut back to El Dorado]
Tulio: Ai-ai-ai.
Miguel: ♪Tons of gold for you, hah!♪
Tulio: ♪And tons of gold for me, hoo!♪
Miguel and Tulio: ♪And tons of gold for we, ah!♪
Tulio: Not bad for a day's work, eh?
Miguel: Not bad at all.
Tulio: Yeah. We just became richer than the king of Spain. [laughing]
Miguel: You know, speaking of kings, the chief and the high priest seem a bit, uh, tense.
Tulio: Buenos Dias! Listen, all we have to do is keep playing the one against the other. You know, do a little god dance, chant some mystic mumbo jumbo, dazzle 'em with some smoke and mirrors and then get the hell back to Spain.
Miguel: Um, Tulio, how are we gonna get all this back to Spain?
Tulio: Ummm...
Chief: A boat?
Tulio: Yeah.
Miguel: Um, we really hate to be ascending so soon, but, uh, some urgent business has come up, family matters, you know, and it's just a bit...
Tulio: Yeah, family.
Miguel: Badda-bing, budda-boom, you know what I mean?
Chief: Oh, we expected you to be staying with us for the next thousand years.
Tulio: Well, as we say in the spirit world, there's your plan and then, there's the gods' plan.
Miguel: Mm-hmm.
Tulio: And our plan, uh, calls for a boat, 'cause we're gonna ascend kind of in a horizontal pattern at first.
[Miguel chuckles]
Tulio: And then we're gonna go vertical, uh, as we get further out to sea.
Chief: Hmm. To build a boat large and glorious enough, would take about a week.
Tulio: A week? Hmm.
Miguel: Um...
Tulio: Uh, I wonder how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it.
Chief: But for the gods, uh, three days.
Tulio: Uh...
Miguel: Well, if that's the best you can do.
Chief: Oh, perhaps if you were not burdened with so much tribute, you could leave sooner.
Miguel: Hmm?
Tulio: Hmm? I like it here. Miguel?
Miguel: Yep, yep. Three days is just fine.
Tulio: [After he and Miguel tell the chief that they intend to stay in El Dorado for three days so that a boat can be built for them, Tulio is tossing gold ear rings in his hands and looking worried] No. Three days is not fine. This is a real... [he hands the gold ear rings to Chel] These. These are the ones.
Chel: [accepts them from Tulio] Thank you.
Tulio: ...problem. [Turns to Miguel sitting on a chair] Miguel, how are we going to keep this up for three days?
Miguel: [Gets off the chair looking exasperated at Tulio's concern] You worry too much.
Tulio: [runs toward Miguel] No, I worry exactly the right amount! [turns Miguel around] You can never worry too much! We just have to lie low.
Miguel: [Looks out at a view of the city in awe with beautiful music playing in the background] But, Tulio, this place is amazing. I mean, I wonder what's-
Tulio: [cuts him off] No! [record needle scratches, stopped the music] Don't even move!
Miguel: Tulio-
Tulio: No moving!?
Miguel: A little, but-- Come on.
Tulio: Hey! Hey! Hey!
[He and Miguel scuffle]
Tulio: Stay!
Miguel: I-
[Tulio groans in annoyance.]
Miguel: I just-
Tulio: Just...stand there!
Miguel: [frozen in shock] For three days? [he topples over]
Tulio: Yes! Exactly. For three days. Don't even breathe, all right?
Miguel: [gets up and brushes his sleeve clean] All right. We lie low.
Tulio: No, ah-ah-ah-ah! Promise?
Miguel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right, all right.
Tulio: [sighs in relief] Great. Good. Okay. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to... [tickles Chel] ...gloat over my gold. [he kisses a small gold statue happily]
[Chel giggles, then Tulio kisses the gold]
Tulio: Oh, yum, yum, yum.
Chel: [walks by Miguel] It's beautiful, isn't it?
Miguel: Yeah!
Chel: You know, you really shouldn't miss it.
Miguel: I know. But I couldn't.
Chel: Go ahead. I'll cover for you.
Miguel: Oh, good. Thanks. [walks away by Chel] So, what happened to Altivo?
Chel: I don't know.
Tulio: ♪Tulio goes for paradise!♪ Hey, what happened to Miguel?
Chel: I don't know.
Tulio: [drops the gold] Oh, my God! HE'S GONE! MIGUEL'S GONE! HE'S LOOSE! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Oh, no, no! [sobbing]
Chel: Oh, Miguel is right. You worry too much.
Tulio: [groaning] Oh. Ooh. [moaning] Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, down, down, down, down.
[Chel hums]
Tulio: No! No! Big trouble. [gets up] Big trouble. [chuckling] Whoa! Look, sweetheart, we're in the middle of a con here, walking the razor's edge. On the one hand, gold! On the other hand, painful, agonizing failure! [clears throat] I can't afford any tempta... uh, distractions. So, I'm sorry. So sorry. [takes a sharp inhale] But perhaps another time? Another place, hmm?
Chel: [chuckling] Too bad. I'm free now.
Tulio: I'm not really sure I trust you.
Chel: I'm not really asking you to trust me. Am I?
Tulio: Whoo. 'Kay. [rubs Chel, moaning] Ooh, yeah.
[cut to Miguel, walking down, looking at the birds, then looking at the people running, then walking to Acolyte]
Miguel: [to Acolyte] Excuse me. Excuse me? Hey, where is everybody?
Acolyte: They've been cleared for the streets, my lord, so the city can be cleansed, as you ordered.
Miguel: Cleansed?
Acolyte: Yes. So the Age of the Jaguar can begin, as you ordered, my lord.
Man: Get back in! Where are you going?!
Miguel: Hey! Hey, stop that!
Man: Move!
Miguel: Hey, stop that! What are you doing?! Stop that!
Acolyte: But, my lord, anyone who disobeys your orders must be punished, as your ordered.
Miguel: It seems I've been giving a lot of orders, haven't I?
Acolyte: Tzekel-Kan has made your commands clear, my lord.
Miguel: Really? Here's an order. Take the day off.
Man: Huh?
Miguel: Are you all right?
[the man pants]
Miguel: Here.
[the man hands the gold]
Miguel: Oh, no! It's all right, please. [the man runs away by Miguel, then tripping on the wood, with instruments falling down, then Miguel plays the guitar]
Miguel: Hey, Altivo. There you are.
[the kids gasp, then playing the guitar, then the kids watch Miguel playing a guitar, then they chuckle, then the men watch Miguel playing a guitar, then the music begins "Without Question" by Elton John playing, then taking a guitar to the man, then walking away, looking at the fish, looking at the people, then the men spin around, then Miguel spins around, then the man takes a bowl to Miguel, then feeding the birds, then the flamingo eats the bird feed, then walking down on a turtle, then putting a domino on the floor, then knocking the dominoes down, revealing the sun, running away, looking at Altivo, with a brown ball passing at Miguel, then the kids play with a brown ball, looking at the children, throwing a brown ball up, then the children play with a ball, taking it to Miguel, then bouncing on the knee, and the butt, then they run down, then Tzekel-Kan and Acolyte watch Miguel and the children with a brown ball bouncing on his knee]
Tzekel-Kan: [looks at a book] Hmm. This is not what I expected. Perhaps Lord Tulio will enlighten me. [puts the book away, chuckling, licking on his tongue, smearing on the head] How do I look?
Acolyte: Oh, uh... Well, you...
Tzekel-Kan: Oh, shut up.
[Chel and Tulio kiss heavily off-screen.]
Tzekel-Kan: My Lords?
[Chel stops kissing Tulio and sits up in horror. Tulio comes up, and his hair and face are messed up.]
Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
Chel: [pushes Tuilo down] The High Priest!
Tulio: Ow!
Chel: [horrified gasp] What's he gonna think if he finds one of the Gods like this with me?!
Tulio: [dazed] Uh, "Lucky God"?
Chel: J-Just- just- just... [frustratedly fixes Tulio's hair] Ohh!
Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
[Chel kicks Tulio toward Tzekel-Kan]
Tulio: Whoa! Oh, Tzekel-Kan! What brings you here?
Tzekel-Kan: I humbly request to have an audience with you, my lord.
Tulio: Lord, yes. What can I do for you?
Tzekel-Kan: My Lord, I have just seen Lord Miguel out among the people.
Tulio: Really?
Tzekel-Kan: If I may be so bold as to offer some advice?
[Chel signals Tulio to cut Tzekel-Kan off]
Tulio: [misreads Chel's signal] All right, shoot.
[Chel facepalms and groans in frustration. Tzekel-Kan fails to notice this]
Tzekel-Kan: My Lord, you are perfect.
Tulio: Oh. Well, go on.
Tzekel-Kan: But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. [begins to conjure menacing images] They're like snakes, they are, spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating, with no remorse. [takes a bite out of a conjured pear then spits it out] Spinning webs of lies, like spiders! [crushes a conjured spider in his hand]
Tulio: [grossed out] Stop it! That's disgusting!
Tzekel-Kan: [makes all the conjured images vanish] They're beyond disgusting!
Tulio: Yeah, yeah! Way beyond!
Tzekel-Kan: Then we're in agreement, I shall think the proper preparations. Now, do you wish to have your victims bound to altar, or would you prefer them free range? And will you devour their essence whole, or piece-by-piece?
Tulio: [pauses] Tzekel, you've lost me.
Tzekel-Kan: My Lord, these people will not respect if they do not fear you.
Tulio: And, of course, we will make them fear us, by, uh--
Tzekel-Kan: By sacrifice! As it is prophesied, the history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in--
Tulio: Ink?
Tzekel-Kan: Blood!
Tulio: Blood! Oh! Oh, yes. This is very important stuff. I should tell Lord Miguel about this blood issue right away. [to Chel] Come on, honey. Let's go.
Tzekel-Kan: [relieved] Finally, we're connecting.
[cut back to Cortes and the guards, looking at the bird shape]
Cortes: [to the guards] This way.
[cut back to El Dorado, playing with the ball, running to Miguel]
Tulio: [angrily whispers] What do you think you're doing?
Miguel: [chuckles] Lying low.
Tulio: [growls at Miguel] [whispers] Look, change of plans. We have to grab what we can carry, and get out of here now.
Miguel: [whispers] What? Why?
Tulio: [whispers] Because the High Priest is nuts. He wants...
Tzekel-Kan: This is UNACCEPTABLE!
Tulio: Yeah. Yeah. Like he said.
Tzekel-Kan: The gods should not be playing ball like this!
Tulio: Well, exactly!
Tzekel-Kan: THIS IS HOW THE GODS SHOULD PLAY BALL!
[they all cheer, then they hear a horn]
Miguel: Well, don't blame me.
Tulio: [to Miguel] I blame you.
[they all cheer]
Tulio: What is the object of this game, pray tell?
Chel: You've gotta knock the ball through the hoop.
Tulio: What hoop?
Chel: That hoop.
[they all look at the hoop]
Tulio: That's impossible. We're gonna lose.
Chel: Gods don't lose.
[Tzekel-Kan snaps his fingers, then the men run up]
Men: Heep-ha!
Tzekel-Kan: My lords, Chief Tannabok's warriors are the finest ballplayers in the city. Fifteen mere mortals against two gods.
[they both gulp]
Tzekel-Kan: I realize it's a bit uneven...
Men: Heep-ha!
Tzekel-Kan: ...but I do hope they'll challenge you enough to make the game interesting. PLAY BALL!
[the crowd cheer, then Tzekel-Kan puts a brown ball on the ground]
Tzekel-Kan: Crush them into the dust. [chuckling] Enjoy.
Crowd: [chanting] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
[the men run up to Tulio and Miguel, kicking the brown ball, dodging the brown ball]
Chel: D'oh. D'oh.
[the men watch the brown ball bounce]
Tzekel-Kan: My lords, were you supposed to put the ball into play?
Tulio: Ohh! Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We were merely demonstrating the, um, traditional, uh, first avoidance maneuver.
Tzekel-Kan: Ah. I've never heard such a thing.
Miguel: Excuse me. Who invented this game?
Tzekel-Kan: Why the gods... [chuckling] ...of course.
Tulio: I'm warning you, don't push your luck with this guy.
Miguel: But, Tulio, we're the gods. [throws a brown ball at the men, then kicking the ball, knocking their butts, hitting the wall]
Chel: Tulio! The hip! The hip!
[Tulio knocks the ball, hitting the wall]
Tulio: [panting] This is impossible.
[the man kicks the brown ball in the hoop, then they cheer, blowing the horn, then they groan, putting the gold on]
Miguel: Excuse me?
Men: Heep... Haaa!
[the man puts another gold on]
Men: Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha!
[the men run by Tulio and Miguel, then they both groan, then they play with a ball, showing the gold, making it nine, then the men grab the brown ball]
Chel: FOUL! That was a foul!
[the men grab the brown ball, bouncing by Chel]
Warrior: [off-screen] New ball!
[they both pant]
Tulio: [exhausted] How long does this go on, anyway?
Chel: The game is over when the shadow touches this line.
Miguel: We need a miracle.
Tulio: No, we need to cheat. [takes Bibo]
[the men try to grab Bibo, rolling around Miguel, landing in the wheel]
Miguel and Tulio: Yes!
[the crowd cheer, then they hear a horn, then the men knock Bibo into the hoop]
Miguel and Tulio: Huh?
[the men kick Bibo, then Tulio kicks Bibo into the hoop, then Tzekel-Kan claps]
Chel: Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Miguel kicks the Bibo in the hoop]
Miguel and Tulio: Ole!
[Tulio kicks Bibo into the hoop, then they kick their butts, kicking Bibo on the hoop, rolling around, bouncing back and forth]
Tzekel-Kan: Hmm.
[the men stand up, showing the gold, because it's a tie]
Chel: Yes! [laughing]
Miguel: Who's the god?
Tulio: You de god. [kicks Bibo]
Miguel: No, you the god.
Tulio: No, you de god.
Miguel: Fine. [Bibo bounces in a ball bin, then Chel takes a brown ball to Tulio and Miguel]
Chel: Yeah! Yeah!
[Bibo coughs, then the brown ball bounces by Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo flies the brown ball to Tulio and Miguel, pounding the ball on his hands]
Chel: Guys, it's here! It's right here with me!
[the brown ball hits Tulio, then they gasp, hitting Miguel, kicking the ball in the hoop, then they gasp, then they all gasp, then Bibo chitters, then they look at the brown ball in the hoop, then Altivo taps the wall, letting the brown ball fall down, then they all cheer, then blowing a horn]
Tzekel-Kan: I love this game! [laughing]
Miguel and Tulio: Yes!
[they knock their bodies]
Tulio: Well done, partner.
Chel: Yes! Yes!
Tzekel-Kan: My lords, congratulations on your victory. And now, you will, of course, wish to have the losing team, sacrificed to your glory.
[the men bow down, groaning]
Miguel: Not again. Look, Tzekel-Kan...
Tulio: Uh, Miguel?
Miguel: ...forget the sacrifices.
Tulio: Miguel.
Miguel: We don't want any sacrifices.
Tzekel-Kan: But all of the sacred writings say that will you devour the wicked and the unrighteous.
Miguel: Well, I don't see anyone here who fits that description.
Tzekel-Kan: [scoffs] Well, as speaker for the gods, it would be my privilege to point them out.
Miguel: The gods are speaking for themselves now! This city and these people have no need for you anymore! [pushes Tzekel-Kan] There will be no sacrifices! [stands the men up] Not now, not ever!
[the crowd cheer]
Miguel: [to Tzekel-Kan] Get out!
[Tzekel-Kan gasps, then scoffs, then the crowd continue cheering, then Tzekel-Kan gasps, then the eyebrow puts blood inside]
Tzekel-Kan: Mmm. As the gods, command.
[the men grab Miguel, then the men grab Tulio]
Miguel: Hey, not bad for my first commandment, huh?
Tulio: [laughing] Miguel, the little voice... [stammering] Yeah, fine.
Tzekel-Kan: Do you know why the gods demand blood?
Acolyte: I don't know.
Tzekel-Kan: [the knife cuts the hand as wipes the blood with a rockstone] Because "Gods... don't... bleed..." [the blood goes back inside the hand] It's time to take the future into my own hands, and this city will be cleansed. Even if I have to do it myself.
Acolyte: Uh, how?
Tzekel-Kan: [grabs a book] There are dark magics here, and power, and... Ooh. My, my, my, my, my. [throws a book to Acolyte] It's not called the "Age of the Jaguar" for nothing. [looking at the men, building a boat] This'll be a delightful way to bid the false gods, good-bye.
[the man uses an ax to chop a log, then they continue chopping a log to build a boat, chopping a stone, then Miguel looks at the stone]
Tulio: Adios, muchacho! [holds a flower to Chel, then the birds fly away]
[the man chops a hoof on Altivo, putting flowers on Altivo]
Miguel: Well, it's, um, uh, nice.
Chief: Nice?
Miguel: Yes, nice. But? Um, but, uh, is it really fit for the gods?
Chief: My lord.
Miguel: [chuckling] I have been around boats, believe me, and that, um, the pointy, tall, um, the long up and down thing.
Chief: The mast?
Miguel: The mast, yes, yes. The mast is good. Well, look at it. [stammering] There's not nearly enough, uh, um, rope.
Chief: Rope?
Miguel: Yes, rope. Exactly my point. Vertical ascension requires a lot more, uh, rope.
Chief: My lord. [chuckling]
Miguel: And look at this. [grunting, tapping on the bloat, clears his throat] This doesn't look at all secure. Chief, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but in all, it is a complete do-over. [continues looking down]
Chief: Hmm. You know, Lord Miguel, if you wish to stay, you only need to say so.
Miguel: You mean, forever?
Chief: Of course.
Miguel: [looks at a cave] Oh, no, I can't. I have to go back with Tulio. We're... We're partners.
Chief: Big plans in the other world, huh?
Miguel: Yep. Big plans.
Chief: Well, then, I better go get some more rope, huh?
Miguel: Oh, Chief, um, forget about the rope. Um, my mistake.
Chief: Hey, to err is human.
[Miguel looks at Chief, stepping in a boat, walking up the building]
Tulio: [off-screen] Half?
Chel: Mm-hmm.
Tulio: [laughing] I don't think so. I... I'll tell you what. Uh, I'll let you come back to Spain with us, like you wanted, and, um, yeah, I can see my way clear to throwing you, mmm, ten percent?
Chel: [chuckling] You know, maybe I won't go to Spain with you and take a third. [grabs a plate]
Tulio: Ohh! Like you don't wanna go to Spain.
Chel: Oh, like you don't want me to want to go to Spain.
Tulio: I want you to want...
Chel: Mm-hmm?
Tulio: ...what you want.
Chel: Mm-hmm. Go on.
Tulio: All right. Cards on the table. Uh, I want you to come to Spain with me and Miguel. Mostly me. Especially me. Only me. Forget Miguel.
Chel: Well, as long as that's what you want. Me too.
Tulio: Okay. Deal?
Chel: [drops the plate] Deal. [kisses Tulio]
[Altivo walks to Miguel, gasping]
Miguel: "Forget Miguel"? [sniffling] Well, forget Tulio. [walks down by Altivo]
[Altivo walks down by Miguel]
[cut back to Tzekel-Kan and Acolyte, humming, then Acolyte stirs it in a pot]
Tzekel-Kan: Well, is it ready yet?
[Acolyte scoops the bowl, blowing it, then taking the umbrella, putting it in, then Tzekel-Kan takes the bowl, sniffing]
Tzekel-Kan: [throws the bowl away] It seems to be missing something. [opens a book] Ah, that's it. It needs more body. [kicks Acolyte into the water, flying backwards to a stone, laughing, transforming into a jaguar, taking the claws out, then the jaguar lands on the ground, breaking the stone] Do as I command!
[cut to the kids]
Kid #1: The Gods deserve a proper tribute.
Kid #2: Stop! There will be no sacrifices! [audience laughs]
Tulio: [chuckling, holding a bowl with a lemon] That kid does you better than you do. [sighs] Some send-off, huh? We're finally at the "go back to Spain and live like kings" part. [the children laugh, then Chel puts the kids down] Ooh-hoo-hoo. [drinking the bowl]
Miguel: Well, isn't king kind of a step down from God?
Tulio: [stops drinking and spits] What? Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa, Miguel. [chuckles] we can't stay here. We have a plan, remember?
Miguel: [sarcastically smiling] How about... we forget the plan? Hmm? [Tulio is about to say "What?" but is interrupted as the animated jaguar statue roars and breaks out of the temple. After two seconds, Tulio and Miguel both screams in scared like girls]
Tzekel-Kan: [laughs evilly as the crowd screams in horror] Now everyone will know the truth of your..."divinity"!
[the jaguar lands on the ground, with the people running away, screaming, then the men throw spears at the jaguar, then grabbing a man, flying up, dropping the man]
Man: I'm okay! [the foot squishes the man then he roaring] I'm still okay!
Chel: Come on! Get on! [they all get on Altivo, then the jaguar charges at Altivo, Tulio, Miguel, and Chel, then they screams]
Tulio: Altivo, hyah! [the jaguar continues charging at Altivo, Tulio, Miguel, and Chel, breaking the wall, then they try to climb up, falling down on the jaguar, breaking the glass eye with a Altivo's hoof, then the jaguar knocks Tulio, Miguel, Chel, and Altivo]
Chel: TULIO!
Tulio: Hey, over here, you big Tzekel-Kan cat creep! [they throw rocks at the jaguar] Altivo, get Chel out of here. [Altivo carries Chel, roaring at Tulio and Miguel, then they jump down, then the jaguar lands on the ground, then they continue running away] Duck! [Tzekel-Kan roars, breaking the stones, then they run down, the the rocks form the fire in the lava, touching the rock]
Miguel: Whoa!
[they both gasp and yell, then the jaguar sinks in a lava]
Tulio: Move! Move!
[they both walk on the jaguar]
Tulio: Jump!
[they both lay down, then the jaguar appears, then they both yell, running away to Xibalba, then they both walk to the cliff, trying not to fall in the whirlpool]
Tzekel-Kan: I know what you are. And I know what you are not. And you are not GODS!
Tulio: [to Miguel, after an awkward silence] Y-- You're not a God?! You lied to me? [he clears his throat, urging Miguel to play along, only to have Miguel glare back at him; gasps in surprise, then flings him towards Tzekel-Kan, still keeping up the act] How dare you?!
Miguel: [reluctantly playing along] Hey, it was his stupid plan!
Tzekel-Kan: [confused] What?
Tulio: Whoa, whoa, oh. My plan was that we should lie low! But your plan was to run off and be all "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a God!"
Miguel: That's not true!
Tulio: No?! Who are you kidding?! You're buying your own con!
Miguel: At least I'm not dating mine!
Tulio: I-- Ooh, low blow. Listen, Mr. High-and-Mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had [smacks him in the back of the head] just listened to me! [Tzekel-Kan smirks in amusement]
Miguel: Well, now you've got all the precious gold and Chel, so what do you need [smacks Tulio back] me for?!
Tulio: Well, maybe I don't need you anymore!
Miguel: Well, then why don't you just go back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll [shoves him] both get what we want?!
Tulio: That's [shoves him back] fine with me, pal!
Miguel: [smacks him] Fine with me too!
Tzekel-Kan: [still amused] Ooh.
Tulio: [smacks Miguel back] Fine!
Tzekel-Kan: Ouch!
Miguel: [hits Tulio] Okay! [Tzekel-Kan laughs in amusement]
Miguel and Tulio: ALL RIGHT! [both punch Tzekel-Kan, knocking him down]
Tulio: Tie him up! [he and Miguel try to tie Tzekel-Kan, but suddenly, Tzekel-Kan roars at them.] What? Whoa. [The jaguar statue comes back alive, ready to eat Tulio and Miguel, they yell] JUMP! [They both jump down hanging on to their vines. The jaguar jumps right in front of Tzekel-Kan. Then the cliff starts to break away. Miguel and Tulio scream, and barely move away from the breaking cliff. Then, breaking completely, the cliff sends Tzekel-Kan and the jaguar into the whirlpool]
Tzekel-Kan: NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! [Tzekel-Kan and the stone jaguar fall into the whirlpool. Tzekel-Kan swims around the whirlpool and goes straight towards the jungle. Moments later, Tzekel-Kan gets out of the water, then hears a sword clanging while Cortes and the guards appear] My lord. [Tzekel-Kan crawls on the water, then Cortes' gun touches the earring]
Cortes: Where did you get this? [Cortes let us go of the earring as Tzekel-Kan smiles at Cortes]
[cut back to Tulio and Miguel]
Tulio: [chuckling] That was good, huh?
[Miguel climbs up to the top, then the men cheer]
Tulio: [climbs up] Hey, a little help, please?
Miguel: Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! I've decided to stay.
Chief: Oh, this is wonderful news. What a glorious day for El Dorado. Lord Miguel has decided to live among us!
Chel: Tulio! Is everything okay?
[they look at Miguel]
Tulio: Everything is fine.
[cut to El Dorado, then the music begins "Friends Never Say Goodbye" by Elton John playing, looking around, walking by Miguel, putting gold in the bag, looking at the map, ripping it, then Miguel looks at a name, saying, "Tulio", knocking the statue, then tying the bag, hitting Miguel, carrying a bag, the Miguel puts a hat on, wrapping a blanket around him, then Miguel continues walking away, then Miguel walks by Tulio, then Tulio walks down, then Miguel walks down, then walking to Chief, then they laugh, then Chief hugs Tulio, then Chief shakes his hand, then Tulio walks away, then Miguel looks at Chel, then Chel kisses Miguel, then Tulio claps his hands]
Man: Take care.
Child: We'll miss you!
Tulio: Thank you.
[Altivo nickers at Tulio, licking his fingers, then shaking it off, licking Tulio, then Chel pushes Tulio, then Chief and Miguel walk up, then Tulio dries his hair, then Chel walks away by Tulio, then Chel walks to a boat, then Miguel walks to Tulio]
Miguel: Well, good luck.
Tulio: Yeah. You too. [walks to Chel, then they climb up]
[Miguel walks away by Altivo, then Altivo looks at Miguel walking away]
Miguel: Whoa. Whoa, boy, what is it? [Altivo nickers, then they hear explosions, looking at Miguel along with Chel and Tulio]
Miguel: Cortes.
[the man rushes to the Chief who panics]
Chief: My lord, what is it?
Man: [panicked] Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! Approaching the city, is an army of strangers.
Chief: We are safe here. They'll never find the gate to the city.
Man: But, sire, they are being led by Tzekel-Kan.
Chief: [shocked to Tzekel-Kan who is survived] HE SURVIVED! Warriors, prepare yourselves for battle!
[the guards all shout and as the crowd starts in panic]
Miguel: Chief, you cannot fight them!
Chief: Then how can we stop them?
Miguel: We can't.
Tulio: [looks in the cave] Uh, one moment, please. [moves the gold away]
[Bibo drinks]
Tulio: [takes the necklace out] Okay, here's the gate. Here's the boat.
Chel: Uh-huh. And?
Tulio: Here's the gate.
Chel: Okay.
Tulio: Here's the boat.
Chel: Got that. And?
Tulio: Well, here's the "goat," and here's the "bate."
Chel: Tulio!
[Tulio his Bibo, who stops drinking his cup, spilling water out, knocking the necklace]
Tulio: [gasping] That's it. We'll crash the boat into the pillars.
Chel: That's it? I mean... But... [scoffs] What about the gold?
Tulio: Well... [sobbing, in a whinny voice] Chief! [clears throat, in a normal voice] Chief. I've got a plan.
[the men throw rope to the villagers]
Chief: Hold the line steady! They're almost in place!
[cut to Crotes and the guards, and Tzekel-Kan]
Cortes: It better be there, for your sake.
[Tulio rows a boat, then Chel shakes her head, looking at Miguel]
Tulio: Okay, chief, on my signal! Ready! HIT THE PILLARS!
Chief: NOW!
[the man uses a log to push and break the whole rocks, then Tulio looks at the whole rocks breaking]
Tulio: They're breaking too fast!
Chel: Tulio, the sail!
Tulio: [tires to pull the rope down] It's stuck!
[the men try to pull a statue, breaking the ropes, then they both shout, then Chief gasps, grabbing the ropes]
Miguel: They're not gonna make it. Altivo! [jumps on Altivo, running to the boat]
Tulio: Are you crazy?
[Miguel and Altivo jump on the boat in slow motion, then they continue pulling, then flying in slow motion, grabbing the sail]
Tulio: Get off the boat, Miguel, or you'll never see the city again.
Miguel: I know. [takes the hat off] You don't think I'm gonna let you have all the fun, do you? Come on. We've got a wave to catch. [grabs a paddle to Tulio, pointing to Chief]
[they all release the statue, then Miguel yells, then Chel whimpers, then grabbing a lever]
Tulio: Get out of the way!
Miguel: Huh?
Chel: Huh?
[they duck, then Bibo runs on the gold]
Miguel: Hold on!
[they all go in the cave, breaking the sail, then knocking the gold on the walls]
Tulio: We're gonna have to hit it BROADSIDE!
Miguel: THAT'S YOUR PLAN? But the gold!
Tulio: I know!
[Chel gasps]
Tulio: JUST TURN THE BOAT!
[they all turn the boat]
Tulio: On impact, EVERYBODY JUMP!
[the boat stops on a wall, then they all jump out of the boat, then they splash in the water, with rocks falling in the water, with waterfall spitting out, then they all cough]
Tulio: [panting] We made it. It worked. [chuckling] It worked.
Chel: Wait. Get down! [grabs Tulio] There they are. [they all look at Cortes and Tzekel-Kan]
Tzekel-Kan: [gasping, looking at the rocks] No.
Cortes: [walks to Tzekel-Kan] You lying heathen. There's nothing here at all.
Tzekel-Kan: No. Wait. Wait.
Cortes: [pushes Tzekel-Kan] Men, seize him!
Tzekel-Kan: WHAT? [the men grab Tzekel-Kan]
Cortes: There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men. [the guards continues takes Tzekel-Kan away, gasps, then Chel waves]
Tzekel-Kan: [to guards] Wait! No, wait! [echoes] WAIT!
[they all look at the guards taking Tzekel-Kan away, then Altivo blows, then they all laugh]
Chel: Yes!
Miguel: Now that was an adventure.
Tulio: Yes. Yes, it was. And, um... [sobbing] ...it was so much gold!
[Altivo looks at the gold on the hooves]
Tulio: I'm fine.
Chel: [to Tulio] Good. [kisses Tulio] Let's go.
[Tulio sighs, then Miguel gets up]
Miguel: [puts his hand out] Partner. [grabs Tulio's hand]
Tulio: Partner.
[last lines]
Chel: Hey, guys. Come on! You don't want to stay here forever, do you?
Miguel: But, uh, we don't have a map.
Tulio: We don't have a plan.
Chel: Well, that's what makes it interesting. [Altivo nods in agreement]
Tulio: [getting the idea] You're right!
Miguel: What are we waiting for? [Miguel and Tulio go on Altivo]
Chel: Let's follow that trail! Hyah! [Miguel and Tulio fall off Altivo] Come on, boys!
Tulio: [he and Miguel chase Chel and Altivo] Hey! Altivo! [Miguel pushes him] Augh!
Miguel: Sit, boy! Sit! [the screen puts up "The End"]
Tulio: [gets back up.] Chel, we're not on the horse! [they both run to get Altivo as Chel laughs; as the end credits begin, the armadillo chases some butterflies and grabs and eats one, ending the movie and continues the end credits]

About The Road to El Dorado

[edit]
  • The problem, obviously, was that the milieu that Jeffrey had chosen - no less than the near-annihilation of the Mezo-American peoples and the destruction of their culture - didn't really lend itself to a flat-out comedy, we thought. There had to be enough depth in these characters to allow us to do a story which would allow for some real drama - tragedy, even.
And the original story acknowledged the fundamental tragedy of the milieu - the city of El Dorado (which wasn't even the mythical El Dorado, it was just the first city Tulio and Miguel found, which they mistakenly believed was El Dorado) was not saved. The people ended up abandoning it to Cortes, and vanishing into the jungles - the people survived (barely), but the culture did not. This was also accurate to history - Cortes encountered a number of abandoned cities on his way to the capital of the Aztec empire, and was our answer to the question 'What happened to the Mayans'.

Cast

[edit]
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