The Rockford Files
The Rockford Files (1974–1980, with many subsequent made-for-TV movies) is an American detective (private investigator) television drama created and often written by Stephen J. Cannell. It stars James Garner as a charming ex-convict who lives in (and works out of) a seaside mobile home, drives a Pontiac Firebird, and struggles to make ends meet while serving a rogue's gallery of clients and friends, who often rope him into untenable situations. Each episode begins with Rockford's answering machine receiving a different humorous call placing more burdens on the hapless P.I.
Season 1
[edit]
The Rockford Files: Backlash of the Hunter
[edit]- Originally aired as a standalone movie, the running time was 98 min.
- Sara Butler: [Referring to Jim's trailer] This is your office?
- Jim: Yeah, it's cheap, it's tax-deductible, earthquake-proof, and when I get a job out of town, I'll take it with me.
- Sara Butler: You aren't afraid of him, are you?
- Jim: You're damn right I am!
- Sara Butler: How much of my own money am I going to earn back?
- Jim: I usually pay my operatives 20 bucks an hour for this kind of thing.
- Sara Butler: I wouldn't do it for less than 50.
- Jim: You know what's wrong with karate, Jerry? It's based on the ridiculous assumption that the other guy will fight fair.
- Nick Butler: Who are you, the boyfriend?
- Jim: No, what I am is about fifty pounds heavier and a whole lot meaner.
- Mrs. Elias: [meeting Jim, who is posing as a Dean of Admissions] You look like a truck driver in a suit.
The Kirkoff Case
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Norma: [beeep] Hey, Jim, this is Norma down at the market. The check bounced. You want us to tear it up, send it back, or put it with the others?
- Jim: I'm investigating the Kirkoff killings and I heard you were having an affair with Mrs. Kirkoff before she was killed.
- Travis Buckman: Private cop, huh?
- Jim: Look, you aren't gonna shoot anybody, we both know it, so why don't you put that thing away before you have an accident.
- Travis Buckman: Who're you working for?
- Jim: Well, that's confidential.
- [Buckman cocks his gun]
- Jim: Larry Kirkoff.
- Jim: I have been sitting here answering questions in my shorts for a reasonable length of time! Now I want my pants and I want to get out of here, alright?
- Dennis Becker: I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Jim: I'm going to fill this out, give it to patrol, but don't count on much.
- Jim : Now what is that supposed to mean? I got kidnapped by two guys, and they beat the poo out of me, I'm making a legitimate complaint. What do you mean, "don't count on too much," I'm counting on you and this girl scout troop in here, to solve it.
- Dennis Becker: Shut up, will ya? What do I have to do, spell it out for you? You know, you're not exactly Princess Margaret in this department. Every time you come in here with a bloody nose, morale goes up ten points, and if I weren't a buddy of yours I wouldn't even type this up. OK?
- Jim: I have a special this week - Opinions come with no extra charge.
The Dark and Bloody Ground
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hey, Jim, this is Louie down at the fish market. You gonna pick up these halibut or what?
- [Beth hides Jim's car keys in her blouse]
- Jim: If you think that's going to stop me, you've got a short memory.
- Beth Davenport: Don't you even care if she's innocent?
- Jim: Beth, I spent five years in prison. While I was there I never met anybody who wasn't "innocent."
- Beth Davenport: Please Jim, for me? [pause] I guess I've never been able to quite pull that off, have I?
The Countess
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hey, Rockford, very funny. I ain't laughin'. You're gonna get yours.
- Jim: We're all scared to death. I guess that's the penalty we pay for living in a world where all the price tags end in 99 cents and they sell mortuary plots on billboards next to the freeway. What you do is, you just keep laughing. Stop worrying about it. You're playing a big practical joke, just keep laughing.
- Sorrell: How are you feeling, Mr. Rockford?
- Jim: Tell you the truth, I'm scared to death.
- Sorrell: Good.
Exit Prentiss Carr
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] It's Morrie, I got a call from Davis at the IRS. You were right. They bounced your return. Call me.
- Jim: Cataloging my virtues won't work either... I hold them to a minimum so they're easy to keep track of.
- Janet Carr: I bet your grandfather was a preacher.
- Jim: In fact he was a horse thief.
- Police Sergeant Larsen: You ride around much with the cops in LA?
- Jim: Well, it depends on the circumstances...
- Police Sergeant Larsen: Yeah, you're not riding with us neither.
Tall Woman in Red Wagon
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] It's Laurie at the trailer park. A space opened up. Do you want me to save it, or are the cops gonna let you stay where you are?
- Sandra Turkel: Do you have a gun?
- Jim: No, no I don't, I... Matter of fact I'm scared to death of them.
- Jim: [as he is trying to leave the hospital, but Stoner holds him at gunpoint] The doctor told me to go straight home, go to bed, and no excitement. And I'm just not going to let you qualify as excitement because I don't want to go back in there and get fed through a tube.
This Case Is Closed
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] You really want Shim in the seventh? C'mon, that nag couldn't go a mile on a pickup truck. Call me!
- Jim: [to Agent Shore] That’s my career specialty – ducking process servers.
- Jim: I don't know what's goin' on, but believe me I don't want any trouble.
- Torrance Beck: You already got trouble. The only question is whether you're going to wake up tomorrow breathing air or dirt.
- Warner Jameson: Pity we aren't the same age. I could take you out behind the wood shed and we could bash it around for a while.
- Jim: Well, I don't go in for that kind of thing...
- Taxi driver: $10.45.
- Jim: [hands over cash] Keep the change.
- Taxi driver: Ten buck tip. What do I gotta do for it?
- Jim: There's a trailer parked by the beach. 2354 Pacific Coast Highway. I want ya to go inside and you'll find a very crotchety old man tied up. Untie him.
- Taxi driver: You're kiddin'.
- Jim: He's my father.
- Taxi driver: There's a punchline, right?
- Jim: Whatever you got on the meter, you get from him. You keep the $10 tip.
- Taxi driver: Add another five and you got a deal.
- Jim Rockford: [Smiles and hands over another five bucks] You and my father ate gonna get along reeaal good.
The Big Ripoff
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: It's Audra. Remember last summer at Pat's? I've got a twelve-hour layover before I go to Chicago. How about it?
- Nancy Frazer: [to Rockford upon his return from Europe] You had yourself a nice vacation, didn't you? You ought to write a book: "How To See Europe on $200 a Day Plus Expenses."
- Jim: [stops for a hitchhiker] If I'm not being too personal uh, what kind of work do you do?
- Marilyn Polonski: I'm a model. I just had a rough time with an 'occupational hazard.' By the way, thanks for the ride. My name's Marilyn Polonski.
- Jim: Jim Rockford.
- Marilyn Polonski: Most of the artists I pose for are interested in their work. This one today was a real grope-freak! [giggles] I grabbed my clothes, I ran so fast, I didn't get my 23 dollars.
- [Jim looks at her puzzled]
- Marilyn Polonski: It's my modeling fee: 20 dollars an hour with the clothes on, 23 for the 'real me'.
- Jim: Is there enough business around to keep the 'real you' busy?
- Marilyn Polonski: Almeria's 'bulging' with artists.
- Marilyn Polonski: Is there anything you won't do for money?
- Jim: Well, there's two things. I won't kill for it, and I won't marry for it. Other than that, I'm open to about anything.
- Jim: I'm the national advertising manager for the Avocado Growers of America.
- Marilyn Polonski: What'd he do, steal a crate of avocados?
- Jim: He's our top animator. Yeah he took off and we can't seem to find anybody who can draw the avocado "Bandito".
- Marilyn Polonski: You kidding?
- Jim Rockford: Yeah.
Find Me If You Can
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is the blood bank. If you don't have malaria, hepatitis, or TB, we'd like to have a pint of your blood.
- Jim: What's wrong?
- Rocky: I am THROUGH talking to you! Look at you, an inch or two to the right and you'd be missing that eye!
- Jim: Yeah, but look at it this way, an inch or two to the left and he'd have missed me completely.
In Pursuit of Carol Thorne
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is the Message Phone Company. I see you're using our unit, now how 'bout paying for it?
- Mr. Hoad: Where is she?
- Jim: Oh, you're kidding. She's my get away free card.
- Mr. Hoad: You ain't got no "get away free card." You maybe got one chance in 10,000 of surviving the next 30 seconds.
- Jim: For 10% I don't risk my neck. I just stand around and look tough.
The Dexter Crisis
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] I staked out that guy, only didn't work out like you said. Please call me. Room 234, County Hospital.
- Jim: [bends down and looks into open car window of rival P.I. Kirmit Higby] Hi Kirm, it's good to see you crawling out from under your rock from time to time.
- Kermit Higby: I thought I gave you a good lesson last time, Rockford. What's wrong? Don't you remember how I spread your nose out for you?
- Jim: Oh I remember; lucky punch. I'm not worried. Generally, you can hit the ground with your feet.
- Kermit Higby: Well maybe you need to be taught another lesson.
- Jim: Looks that way, let me help you.
- [Rockford pulls back on the car door as Higby opens it, then slams it against Higby's wrist when he tries to get out, putting him in instant agony]
- Jim: Clumsy, clumsy Kirm. Ah well, it looks like you've got a couple of choices: either you can tell me what you're doing following me and why you knocked me out in Susan's room, or you can sit here with your hand in the door while I sharpen my right cross. Which is it?
- Kermit Higby: [In pained voice] I didn't knock you out...
- Jim: Okay Kirm, I'm going to let your dentist rebuild your whole mouth.
- Kermit Higby: Suit yourself...
- Jim: [Raising his fist Rockford is ready to punch Higby but falters as he looks at Kirm's pained expression, giving in to his softer side] Ah damn! [He pulls back, slapping the car door]
- Kermit Higby: [as Rockford reaches in and takes the car keys] If it had been me, I'd have beaten you to death.
- Jim: Yeah, I know... [then slams the car door against Higby's wrist once more for good measure before walking away]
- Susan Parsons: You're a professional gambler! That's fascinating!
- Jim: Yeah. Yeah it is, isn't it?
Caledonia - It's Worth a Fortune
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] It's Doc Jones. What did you do to the hand, son - three fractured knuckles! You hit somebody?
- Jolene Hyland: You're not mad at me - are you?
- Jim: No - why?
- Jolene Hyland: Because of what I thought back there.
- Jim: No. You thought I was a crook? You made a normal, logical assumption.
- Jolene Hyland: I had no right!
- Jim: You had every right.
- Jolene Hyland: Well, I really feel awful about it. Will you forgive me?
- Jim: Jolene, do you know what you do?
- Jolene Hyland: What?
- Jim: You apologize - all the time!
- Jolene Hyland: I do?
- Jim: Yeah.
- Jolene Hyland: I'm sorry.
Profit and Loss (1)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hey Jimmy. This here's Titus Garrett. Remember me? From the Army? I'm stuck here in town. How about I come over and bunk with you, buddy!
- Alec Morris: I was told that you were very reliable.
- Jim: Reliable...but chicken.
- Doris Parker: You're turning into a big disappointment for me. Don't you ever think about anyone but yourself?
- Jim: No. Well, yeah, sometimes at Christmas.
- Jim: [after Rocky finds him lying in the floor, unconscious] What are you doing?
- Rocky: I'm calling Doc Wheaton.
- Jim: I don't want to see Doc Wheaton!
- [Jim tries to take the phone out of Rocky's hands]
- Rocky: Well, that's tough!
- [Jim manages to get the phone from Rocky's hands, and hangs it up]
- Rocky: Look, I'm your father. I got an interest in whether-or-not your head is leaking on the inside. Now you're getting so dumb, I'm gonna have to take you out for walks, and hold your hand in the market!
- Jim: You're funny, Rocky. You're funny.
- Leon Fielder: [Jim beat Fielder to the grip on a handshake and is squeezing his hand, just as Fielder had done to hurt Jim's hand shortly before] Would you let go of my hand? This is very childish.
- Jim: What? Oh... It is, isn't it.?
Profit and Loss (2)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Mrs. Bosley at the library. We billed you for your overdue book Karate Made Easy. When we abuse the library, we don't get our cards renewed!
- Jim: You better lose that guy or we're gonna have a black and white at every intersection. Drive a race car huh?
- Doris Parker: Lousy damn suspension...
- Rocky: Then why'd you tell me to bring a gun, huh?
- Jim: Well, uh...
- Rocky: Hehe, can't answer that one, can you?
- Jim: Well sure I can! We're taking a gun along because... somebody may try and kill us.
- Rocky: That's what I figured.
Aura Lee, Farewell
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Mr. Rockford, you don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could you call me at... my name is, ugh... never mind, forget it.
- Jim: [after agreeing to buy a really bad abstract painting from a street vendor in exchange for information] Listen, if you ever see him again would you get his license number? I'd appreciate it if you would give me a call.
- Trask: Yea, okay.
- [Rockford turns and walks away]
- Trask: Oh hey, you forgot your painting!
- Jim: [Rockford looks at it again] Well not yet. But I'm trying!
- Trask: Been waiting for you, man. Called you over two hours ago. Don't you ever check your service?
- Jim: Oh, now and then.
- [Rockford looks at one of the abstract paintings]
- Jim: Do you need a permit to carry a thing like this?
- Trask: I told you, I paint what I feel.
- Jim: You must not feel well.
- Trask: Yeah, well, it's yours for fifty bucks.
- Jim: Why would I want to buy a piece of junk like this?
- Trask: Gratitude. See, I got the license number of that dude you're looking for.
- Jim: [he turns back and looks at the painting] You know, it does have a certain gross charm!
- Trask: I thought you'd like it.
Sleight of Hand
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: Rockford, this is Mr. Dow. If you think I'm going to pay to have your car repainted, you're nuts! You can take your expense bill and stuff it!
- Rocky: Hey Jim, it ain't your fault Karen's dead.
- Jim: I know...
- Alex Diel: If I told you a woman walked out of her home and left her purse behind, would you believe me?
- Jim: I'd wonder why, but I wouldn't call you a liar.
Counter Gambit
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and I wanna pay the $500 I owe ya. Catch you next year when I get back.
- Edgar Burch: Consorting with a known felon is, I believe, a parole violation.
- Jim: You gonna blow the whistle on me?
- Edgar Burch: I'm sure that won't be necessary. I just mention it to stimulate an atmosphere of cooperation.
- Jim: Well, that's not what you stimulated. And I'm not on parole, I got a full pardon, and you've got about ten seconds to make it through that door.
Claire
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Mr. Rockford? This is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary Etiquette. We aren't going to call again. Now, you want these free lessons or what?
- Capt. Highland: If he turns up dead, and I can find anything to prove that you knew something that could have saved him, you're gonna wind up an accessory after the fact in his murder.
- Jim: No, I'm not. I'm not even gonna be a material witness, unless the DA can establish me on preliminary, which he can't. There's no foundation. And he can't get me into cross-examination for the same reason. So... [winks at Highland] thanks for the invitation. I think I'll go fishing.
- [Capt. Highland's taken aback, and stunned into silence. He looks at Becker]
- Dennis Becker: He's been around, Captain.
Say Goodbye to Jennifer
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Mrs. Lindus. Three times this month I came to clean and it always looks like people been fighting in there. Furniture broken, things tipped over. I'm sorry, but I quit!
- Jennifer Ryburn: [holds her gun pointed at Rockford] Look, I was afraid. You kept insisting I go to L.A. and I can't do that!
- Jim: You mean it doesn't get easier the second time around?
- Jennifer Ryburn: What are you talking about?
- Jim: Birrell didn't kill Ricky; you did.
- Jennifer Ryburn: That's not true!
- Jim: Ballistics will run a check on that thing. We'll see if it's the murder weapon.
- Jennifer Ryburn: It was an accident... I didn't mean to murder him. I was trying to frighten him. He was seeing someone else. He was going to leave me. He used people.
- Jim: Oh, and you wouldn't know anything about using people, would you. There's a doctor who's going to lose his license. Mitch is dead! When I told you that all you wanted to know was did he talk first. You wanted to know if you were in trouble. Lady, you put a high price on yourself.
- [He walks over to her and takes her gun away]
- Jennifer Ryburn: But... But... Mitch wanted you to help me. He wanted you to help me - can't you do that for him?
- Jim: Well sure, Jennifer, I'll help. You have your lawyer call me as a character witness.
Charlie Harris at Large
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Loomis from the laundromat. You said you were gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
- Alfred Bannister: [Jim's been invited to lunch with Mr. Bannister to dissuade Jim from continuing to try to get his wife, Linda, to testify on Charlie Harris' behalf] It's going to get pretty expensive for you, this... adventure.
- Jim: I don't see how that could happen. I've cased the deck pretty well, and I know what "trump" is.
- Alfred Bannister: You do, huh? Well, try this out: If you continue this investigation, or try, in any way, to involve my wife, I will call some people that I know in Europe, and they will fly over here one night, and they will locate you. They will put a bullet in your head and will be gone within the hour. Now, and that's a '"rump" I presume you probably did not figure on.
- Jim: [thinks for a minute] It also lacks finesse.
- Alfred Bannister: Well, I've found in my business dealings that the higher you make the risk - out of proportion to the gain - the more people are likely to sit out the hand.
The Four Pound Brick
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Shirley from the bank. The answers are no, no and yes. No, we won't loan you money, no, we won't accept any co-signers, and yes, your account's overdrawn. I get off at 4:30.
- Kate Banning: They keep the place real neat. I think graves ought to be a little untidy, the way lives are.
- Dennis Becker: Jim, the police department operates without fear or favor.
- Jim: Theoretically.
- Dennis Becker: That's right, theoretically. As to fear, half the time we work in a cold sweat. As to favor, every stiff gets the same consideration, except a dead cop.
- Jim: I'm trying to defrost my frost-free refrigerator.
- Rocky: Oh, darn thing went out on you again huh?
- Jim: American ingenuity... I don't know how they do it, but the minute the warranty runs out, whatever it is, it starts falling apart.
- Rocky: Well I'll just give you a hand.
- Jim: Not with your best suit on, I don't want to get stuck with the cleaning bill. No, I think I'm just gonna give up on this thing and buy me a new one.
- Rocky: Oh, are you working Jimmy?
- Jim: No, but I think I can swing the down payment on a refrigerator.
Just by Accident
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller': [beeep] This is Thelma Sue Bigley. It's about the research I called you about - the family tree? Did you talk to your daddy? We may be kin!
- Freddie: Well, I got the car back... nice. I think I'm going to put it on display right out front with a big sign on it. "Wreck of the Week, Drive Carefully".
- Jim: Well, that'll make it look like you care. People will love you for it.
- Freddie: You said you were going to drive it carefully, Jimmy baby, remember? The guys driving the tow truck that brought it in had a bet going. Want to hear the bet?
- Jim: Not necessarily, no.
- Freddie: Well one guy bet it was a Ford. The other guy said no, it was a Chrysler. Imagine the surprise when I grin and tell them, "It's a Buick".
Roundabout
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Marilyn Reed. I want to talk to... is this a machine? I don't talk to machines!
- Herb Strock: She's a very strange young lady.
- Jim: When somebody has $300,000 in the bank, you don't call them strange.
- Herb Strock: What do you call 'em?
- Jim: Eccentric.
- Edward Moss: Whaddya charge?
- Jim: $200 a day plus expenses.
- Edward Moss: Any good?
- Jim: That's a little like asking the head waiter how the steak is, isn't it?
- Edward Moss: Okay Rockford, I'm gonna give you the ground rules. One, I don't like getting fleeced. So, you try to run up the expense account, I'm just not gonna pay it. I want receipts for everything, you got it? Everything. I know you guys. You're all expense account hot dogs. I only mention this so you'll know that I'm wise to you going in.
- [Jabs Rockford with golf iron head]
- Edward Moss: You get the picture, mister?
- [Rockford quickly and easily wrests golf club from Moss and nudges Moss backwards with it]
- Edward Moss': Hey, I got a black belt in karate.
- Jim: Good. Cause I got a black belt in 7 iron.
- Edward Moss: You want this job? [pause] Well how 'bout it?
- Jim: How 'bout what?
- Edward Moss: Are you gonna take it?
- Jim: You gonna say "please"?
- Edward Moss: No!
- Jim: Alright, I'll take it.
- Nancy Wade: You don't understand, do you? You don't know how much trouble you're in.
- Jim: I have been shot at, hit over the head, robbed of $10,000... Incredible as it may seem, all by myself I figured out I was in a little trouble!
Season 2
[edit]The Aaron Ironwood School of Success
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hi, Jim, we couldn't reach you, so we went ahead with the job, and I know you're really gonna dig it! But if you don't I suppose we could always tear it out.
The Farnsworth Stratagem
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Rockford, this is Tony. Now your car's ready. I couldn't reach you, so I went ahead and put in the new pistons. The tab is $527.54, and this time we're talking cash!
- Audrey Wyatt: [sees smoke coming from Jim's kitchen] What is that?
- Jim: Oh... Oh, if you ever change banks, don't accept a toaster, this is my fourth one.
- Rocky: What did we hit?
- Jim: Just what we were aiming at, the water main.
- Jim: Hey now, wait a minute, wait a minute, I still have the right to pay off what I owe! You'll get your money.
- William MacKenzie: I doubt that Mr. Rockford, I've, I've seen your financial statement. Foreclosure is as painful for the bank as it is for its customer.
- Jim: Yeah... Simon Lloyd has some very heavy connections.
- Jim: [asking Angel if he had any trouble at the resort] Nobody tried to interfere?
- Angel: No, no, they didn't even believe that it was happening. You know what occurred to me? I mean when you get a crowd like that? It doesn't seem right not to work 'em.
- Jim: [Disapprovingly] Angel...
- Angel: No, no, now you were right about the oil rig, that's the thing. But the thing that really gets them excited though is the jackhammer, and the compressor, and the noise, and that racket, boy, it's the roar of the crowd and I got to thinking how you said I should have earplugs. I went down to the drug store and talked to the druggist and made the deal - 28 cents a pair - go back and sell them for a dollar seventy-five - a dollar fifty! - easy.
- Jim: [Aggravated] Forget it!
- Angel: Jimmy, don't spit on it, man. If we don't do it someone else will. Think about it. [He pulls Rocky over to his side] Rocky could be the salesman, huh? He's got that good, honest face everybody likes. We get him a tray hanging around his neck...
- Jim: Angel, if you try working a scam on the side, you go straight back to L.A.
- Angel: A person's got a right to his own suggestions, don't he?
- Jim: No!
Gearjammers (1)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Okay, pal, it's Harry. I just checked my car. You kept the battery charged all right, you also put thirty-five hundred miles on it!
- Jim: [to the driver of the Monte Carlo that was chasing him] You know, I've been in this business a long time. I've run into a couple of guys who could stay with me. They got a little sloppy doing it. Nobody ever made it look easy. Just like to say it's an honor to be tailed by somebody who can drive as good as you do.
Gearjammers (2)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Angel: Hey, Jimmy, it's Angel. Don't pay no attention to my other message. You're out of it. You're clean, no trouble at all. Just ignore the first message.
The Deep Blue Sleep
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hi, Jim, thanks for the dinner invitation. I'd love to, but does it have to be the taco stand?
- Bob Coleman: You say one word about that to Adrienne, and they'll be scraping you up in six counties!
- Jim: Six? Why not one neat little package like Margo?
- Dennis: [suspiciously] What are you going to do, Jim?
- Jim: Oh...I don't know ... go home ... take a shower .....
- Dennis: Stay out of it.
- Jim: ... stay out of it...
- Jim: He was having an affair with Margo.
- Adrienne Clarke: You say that with a great deal of authority.
- Jim: And you don't seem particularly surprised.
- Adrienne Clarke: It would be unrealistic for me to believe that Bob leads a monastic life. But it's not something we've ever discussed, and I certainly have no intention of discussing it with you. I resent your prying, and I resent these personal questions.
- Jim: I don't like it any better than you do, Miss Clarke. I'm looking for a motive for murder.
- Adrienne Clarke: Then look someplace else.
- Jim: I have a feeling I'm looking in exactly the right place.
The Great Blue Lake Land and Development Company
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hello Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
- Rocky: [the Sheriff hands over their personal items. Rocky realizes Harry had stolen his ring] My lodge ring. I want to file a complaint!
- Fast Harry DeNova: Now Rocky, don't do nothing rash. You're going to feel pretty bad when I tell you that ring belonged to my own sainted father. It was the one thing he left me when he passed on.
- Rocky: I supposed his initials were "J.R.", huh?
- Fast Harry DeNova: That's right, I told you you'd feel...
- Jim: [hurriedly pushes them toward the door] Come on, now...
- Rocky: [Resisting] Give me that ring, I want to file a complaint. Sheriff, I want to file a complaint!
- Mildred Jensen: You know Harry, I've decided that you're right about the one I should buy. I like children. Don't you, Harry?
- Jim: Harry likes pigeons.
The Real Easy Red Dog
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, it's Shirley at the cleaners. You know that brown jacket? The one I said looks so great on you? Your favorite? We lost it.
- Christine Dusseau: You're determined to be flip, aren't you?
- Jim: Hey, come on now, give me a break, huh? I'm trying to walk off a big emotional disappointment.
- Jim: On the way back, I want to drop by the Sandstrom house for a minute. Do you mind?
- Christine Dusseau: Of course I mind, I don't want to get in trouble with Lt Diehl! If we go there, we're just asking for it!
- Jim: Yeah. Yeah well, it'll only take a minute.
Resurrection in Black & White
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave you name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [Beeep] Hey Jimmy! It's Cousin Lou! Goin' ta be in town fer a coupla days. Know ya won't mind puttin' us up. It's just me and Aunt Cissy and B.J. and the kids and little Freddie...
- Jim: Welllll, lady, I think you're being suckered.
- Susan Alexander: Then you don't want the job?
- Jim: Ummm, no, I didn't say that. Nawww, I just, uh, like to be upfront then I don't feel so bad about taking your money.
- Susan Alexander: You're a private investigator! Why aren't you armed?
- Jim: Because I don't want to shoot anybody.
- Susan Alexander: [as Jim is loading his gun] I thought you didn't like to shoot people.
- Jim: I don't shoot it, I just point it!
- Susan Alexander: What are you going to do, Dave?
- Dave: I'm gonna get a woman, and get drunk!
- Jim: I'll drink to that.
- Susan Alexander: Well, I guess I can too.
Chicken Little is a Little Chicken
[edit]- Angel: [enters the squad room, trying to avoid meeting Sgt. Becker] Jimmy, Jimmy, come here. [motions for Rockford to come over to him]
- Jim: Angel, where have you been?
- Angel: Jimmy, can I talk to you for a second? I know you're mad at me. I know this thing can be explained, I swear.
- Jim: Where's my car?
- Angel: Your car? It's fine. There's no need to report it stolen, Jimmy. I filled it up with gas, I even got it washed.
- [Angel looks at Becker and waves to him]
- Angel: Hi Captain!
- Dennis Becker: You've got jailbird written all over you. Where'd you do time, sport?
- Angel: Time? Time... [he reaches into his pocket for his watch] It's five o'clock. [He reaches for Rockford] C'mon let's go.
- [Becker gets up and walks over to Angel]
- Angel: San Quentin. Four years, but I got out in three for good behavior. I even sang in the choir, didn't I, Jimmy?
- Dennis Becker: Who's this guy?
- Jim: Oh, uh, Angel Martin, Dennis Becker.
- Dennis Becker: Angel Martin... you're in the known associate's file.
- Angel: Right, right, probably with Jimmy, we were both in at San Quentin, together. [laughing] I guess you could say we both owned a 'piece of the rock.'
- Jim: [after Angel has been grilled by Becker] Angel, where is my car?
- Angel: It's in the L.A. area.
- Jim: Angel!
- Angel: Listen, Jimmy. You was about to make a giant mistake in there. You were going to tell that flat-foot to go looking for your car, and I couldn't let you do that. For your own good, I couldn't.
- Jim: Why?
- Angel: [Angel looks nervously around] Because there's $30,000 cash hidden in the left front door panel.
- Jim: [At a momentary loss for words] Where'd it come from?
- Angel: I put it there. Listen, Jimmy, I can't tell you how bad this police station's affecting me. I'm getting a bad case of the Fifth Amendment. Now let's get out of here and I'll tell it so much better. A whole lot better!
- Angel: [riding with Jim in Rocky's truck, about Tom Little] Anyway, I told him 'I'm your man', you know, but, I said, 'can't be anything illegal', and he said he's going straight - just like me, so we shook on it, went in the men's room, and he gave me 30 G's in a brown paper bag.
- Jim: Now, look; if I go through with this, you gotta do everything I say, and I mean everything - no weaseling, no arguments, no nothin - everything.
- Angel: [Meekly] That's a promise
- Jim: First time you balk, I am through.
- Angel: Anything you want me to do, you just tell me.
- Jim: Can we get into the paper, late at night?
- Angel: Yup, yup. It's not a problem.
- Jim: Well, then, it might work.
- Angel: [Smiling] You got a plan?
- Jim: [nods] Mmm, maybe.
- Angel: What'd I do? You just tell me. You name it!
- Jim: Well, to make the plan work... [pause] you gotta die.
- Angel: [grabs Jim's arm, and looks terrified] I'm, I'm not balkin'. I'm not balkin', I... just give me a... minute to... get... used to it.
- Jim: Hey, Angel, what about my car? I want my car!
- Angel: We're gonna find it any day now, Jimmy!
2 Into 5.56 Won't Go
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, it's Maria over at the laundromat. There's a yellow dress in with your things... Is that a mistake or a special handling... or what?
- Jim: Well don't forget you're dealing with a civilian, colonel. You know the nice thing about being a civilian is, you outrank lieutenants and colonels.
- Jim: If you feel grief for the man who bounced you on his knee and went out and bought dresses for you and took you out to the park, that's fine, that's great. But why mourn a military record? Leave that to the men who write obituaries.
Pastoria Prime Pick
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hey Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax... Ya wanna help on the audit now?
- Beth Davenport: Yes, your honor. The defense is rather impressed at the speed with which the county was able to amass this formidable display of evidence. But it is my client's contention that all of it is either irrelevant, circumstantial, fabricated, and/or falsified.
- Vern Soper: I stop to help you out, and all I get for it is complaints.
- Jim: And fifty bucks.
- Vern Soper: Yeah, well...
The Reincarnation of Angie
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: '[beeep] Hi, Jim, it's Jamie at the police impound. They picked up your car again. Lately, they've been driving it more than you have!
- Agent Gary Bettingen: Gee, what are you supposed to be?
- Jim: [smiling] Well, I'm the messenger who's been sent back here to ask very politely what you're doing following that young lady around?
- Agent Gary Bettingen: Un huh. Well you're the guy who's going to be checking into County General in about twenty minutes with a busted jaw and a couple of cracked ribs.
- Jim: No kidding. You're going to do that all by yourself?
- Agent Gary Bettingen: Yeah, that's right Groucho. All by myself.
- Jim: Look, I'm trying to be nice. Why do we have to speak to each other in such violent terms, huh?
- [Rockford suddenly drives his heel into the other man's foot, then taking him by the head, slams his face down on to the table]
- Jim: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I guess I should have said one, two, three go, huh?
- Agent Gary Bettingen': [reaches inside his jacket, Rockford grabbing his arm, and he slowly pulls out his ID] How'd you like to be booked for assaulting a federal officer?
- Jim: [the ID says Gary Bettingen, FBI. Rockford smiles sheepishly] Ohhh, look I think I know how we could fix this right now. Why don't I just go and pay my bar bill right now and then fade right out of the picture, huh? You want to say anything to Miss Perris, you just go right ahead.
- Agent Gary Bettingen: Why don't you do that.
- Jim: [stands up, still smiling] I will and hey... [offers his hand] if you ever have the chance why don't you just drop around and we'll have a drink. I'd like to make it up to you...
- [the agent looks uncertain about accepting a handshake]
- Jim: No, no, I'm serious! I'm serious! That was a sucker punch. Hey, you'd been ready, you'd probably knocked me silly!
- [the man takes his hand and is clobbered by Rockford's left fist, knocking him and his chair on to the floor]
- Barman: Hey! What's going on here?
- Jim: Here. [throws money on to the bar and taking Angie, quickly leaves the bar room]
- Jim: Well, I said he had a federal ID. I didn't say he was a fed. He wasn't.
- Angela Perris: How do you know?
- Jim: Ah, because the picture on his ID was taken against a blue field like your driver's license. Feds have theirs taken against a yellow field. What he did was cut the picture out of his driver's license and paste it into a federal ID, and then encase it in plastic. Nice job, but it was a phony.
- Angela Perris: How can you be so sure?
- Jim: Oh, because that's what I did.
- Jim: Why is it every time there's a car wreck on the other side of the divider, all the cars on your side get out to look at it? Are they expecting to see blood?
- Jim: [sitting at an outdoor table eating an omelet. Agents Shore and Slater walk up to his table] Who's he?
- Agent Dan Shore: This is Agent Slater
- Jim: Oh, I guess I should have said "come alone" but it always sounds so melodramatic.
- Agent Dan Shore: We live in the melodrama capital of the world. Otherwise guys like you wouldn't be able to make a living.
The Girl in the Bay City Boys Club
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: Hi sonny, it's Rocky. I got the bill and I've been trying to figure out what everybody owes on LJ's birthday party. Tell me, did you have the Pink Lady?
- [Rockford pulls up to the speaker at a Jack in the Box drive-thru]
- Young Man: Your order please.
- Jim: Call the police.
- Young Man: Your order, please!
- Jim: That's it. You got it. There's a guy following me in a white 1974 Datsun, California plates. Tell the police I'll be headed south on Perdugo and for them to intercept.
- Young Man: Are you nuts, mister? Is this a joke?
- Jim: Just tell them he took a shot at me... and while you're at it could you throw in a taco and a bag of fries?
- [Kate watches Jim pick the lock at the club]
- Kate: That's illegal!
- Jim: So is what we're about to do.
- Angel: Your beef is with Jimmy, I had nothing to do with this...
- Thompkins: Shut up.
- Angel: You know, I'm just an innocent bystander.
- Thompkins: They're the ones that usually get shot.
- Dep. DA Burton Kimball: I'm about to suggest that Captain Auden suspend your license for a few months.
- Jim: Go ahead and suggest it.
- Dep. DA Burton Kimball: He could do it.
- Jim: Yeah. Yeah, and then I'd appeal and there'd have to be a hearing, and what I've been investigating and why would all have to come out in the open. So, unless you're absolutely clean in all this, and I have a hunch you're not, you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do. You wanna finish your conversation?
The Hammer of C Block
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] It's Jack. The check is in the mail. Sorry it's two years late. Sorry I misfigured my checking account and I'm overdrawn. Sorry I stopped payment on it, so when it comes tear it up. Sorry.
- Jim: Would you knock off that "Rockfish" stuff? The name is RockFORD!
- Gandy: OK, Rockfish.
The No-Cut Contract
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Ahorros fantásticos. La única oportunidad en su vida de apreciar Rosario llantas radiales. Call toll free 555-3120.
- [Translation: Fantastic savings. The only chance in your life to appreciate Rosario radial tires]
- Larry 'King' Sturtevant: [at police HQ where Rockford is being held on suspicion of murder] And then I held him at, ah, gunpoint for ten, fifteen minutes, and then you guys showed up. [he nods his head at Beth, who is staring at him blankly] Hi. [he turns back to Becker grinning] Will you take a look at her! She's so starstruck she's speechless!
- Dennis Becker: Is that everything? The whole statement?
- Larry 'King' Sturtevant: Yeah, yeah that's it. [he turns back to Beth] Ah, listen honey, try not to stare. I know it's difficult, but why don't you just relax and later the two of us will go get some coffee. I'll let you look at my scrapbook, hah?
- Beth: That'd be lovely, only I gave up reading the funnies in the third grade.
- Angel: Now I like you a lot Jim, but I don't like you that much, so keen judgment and an eye toward good health demand that I skate on this thing. I know you understand!
A Portrait of Elizabeth
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, it's Harry. We've been waiting on you two hours. The forks! Where's the forks? Lasagna ain't no finger food!
- Beth Davenport: Two years ago when I first met you, I thought, 'This is the one', and I took out my little lariat and I swung it over my head and I took dead aim, and I tossed. I must have thrown it 50 times since then. But I gotta hand it to you, Jim, you're a tough catch. Sometimes, I don't know, last year I guess, I sort of settled for friend and I started looking for someone with more long-range possibilities. David looked like a good candidate.
- Jim: Thanks, but I'm still jealous.
- Jim: [to Beth] Well you know honey, when you take a chance on someone, you gotta be ready to get hurt. That doesn't mean you should stop taking chances. If you stop, you're really through.
- Dave Delaroux: Say are you absolutely certain that those checks are in the ledger? I mean you're sure you didn't make a mistake or misread them, did you?
- Jim: Yeah, I'm sure. You know something Dave, you're beginning to get on my nerves.
- Dave Delaroux: Well, what I meant was...
- Jim: I said they're there, they're there. Now I will give you a signed affidavit. Beth here can notarize it in the presence of one of the waiters, if we can get one to come to the table, okay?
- Dave Delaroux: [Snaps his fingers, and a waiter immediately comes to their table] Would you take this gentleman's order, please?
- Jim: Forget it, lost my appetite.
- Jim: It's just progress, Mr. Hanson. Marketing and promotion, those are the watchwords of today's progressive businessman, Mr Hanson.
Joey Blue Eyes
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Sorry Jim, this is for Rocky. Hey Rock, Stan. Got that red head and her sister, 10:30 at Macy's Grill!
In Hazard
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Mr. Rockford, Miss Miller of the Bartlett Book Club. "Great Detectives of America" is not in stock, so we sent you "Cooking Made Easy". Hope you enjoy it.
The Italian Bird Fiasco
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, Sally. Hey, I just found out you're an Aries. Listen, if you have Virgo rising, give me a call...
- Jim: We're going to start doing things my way now.
- Caine: You realize of course that's blackmail!
- Jim: It's just business.
- Jim: [at a restaurant with a Lloyds of London representative discussing his reward for having helped recover stolen diamonds] Mr. Cryder, I don't want to seem anxious, but I was wondering about my five percent recovery fee?
- Cryder: Ohhh yes. I called my people at Lloyds, they agreed.
- Jim: [smiling] Five percent, a million dollar's worth of jewelry, that's fifty thousand dollars, isn't it?
- Cryder: Yes... Unfortunately, each of the cormorants was insured for fifteen thousand making a total of forty-five thousand.
- Jim: Well, what has one got to do with the other?
- Cryder: Well, they feel that since you were hired to protect them, and since all three were destroyed, that you should... bear the loss...
- Jim: That's preposterous!
- Cryder: Unfortunately, that is how they... feel. So, ah, forty-five thousand from fifty thousand leaves five thousand...
- Jim: Well, I didn't break the damn things!
- Cryder: ...I've been doing some preliminary figuring... Now from the five thousand there's of course, ah, English inheritance and English income taxes. [he starts subtracting on a pad of paper] Ah yes, we will have to inform your IRS. [he chuckles] And there's the rate of exchange to consider and, oh yes, then there's...
- Jim: One minute, just one minute.
- Cryder: Yes?
- Jim: Do you think there's going to be enough for me to pick up this tab?
- Cryder: I really don't know, Mr. Rockford, that depends... Do you intend to keep on drinking?
Where's Houston?
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, Madame Arcana at the Zodiac Restaurant. If you don't pay that dinner tab, we're gonna repo your birthday.
- Clerk: Can't you read the sign?
- Jim: Oh yeah. Yeah, sure.
- Clerk: You're not supposed to take notes.
- Jim: Yeah, I know, I know. But you see, I can't remember all this without taking notes.
- Clerk: But it's not allowed!
- Jim: Ya I know... you didn't make the rule.
- Clerk: I'm going to call the police.
- Jim: Well, I suppose you have to. Sorry I'm gonna miss 'em. I'm almost through here.
Foul on the First Play
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, it's Eddie. You were right about Sweet Talk in the seventh. She breezed in, paid $72.50. But I didn't get your bet down.
- Jim: Where'd you learn to talk like that?
- Steve Sorenson: Harvard Law School.
A Bad Deal in the Valley
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Uncle Jim? It's Ralph. I got your letter, but I moved out here anyway. I really want those detective lessons!
- Jim: Old times only buys you one ticket, and you cashed that yesterday.
- Karen Stiles: You know, I wasn't sure you were going to show up. I mean three years is more than just a little interlude. Why did you?
- Jim: Oh, let's just say I was curious.
- Karen Stiles: Curious? That emotion doesn't hold much fire.
- Jim: Well Karen, it was three years ago. We did our little torch dance, and as I recall we ended up getting a little singed.
- Karen Stiles: Well, I heal quickly.
- Jim: Well, I don't. So, let's just start with curiosity and we'll see where it goes from there.
- Murray Slauson: Lederer was having an affair with this Stiles broad. And that's about all I'm gonna tell you, Rockford. Yeah, I know who you are. I study all my competition, even though you ain't much. [chuckles] Jim Rockford, the con bull artist. You never run a straight line in your life. It's guys like you that give the PI business a bad name. Now, get out of here, bug, before I squash you.
- Jim: Well, I can understand how you'd feel that way, I mean, looking through bedroom windows and taking dirty pictures must be more spiritually rewarding.
- Murray Slauson: Stuff it, Rockford.
- Jim: Now why'd you set me up?
- Karen Stiles: I didn't. I didn't, and if you don't know me any better than that, then there's nothing for us even to talk about.
- Jim: Oh, now wait a minute, there's a lot for us to talk about. And what right do you have to look so wounded?
Season 3
[edit]The Fourth Man
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: Hi. Just want to put your mind at rest. Found your address book in the theatre last week. It's in the mail. By the way, Carol's okay, but Linda...!
- Jim: Well, if you hear anything bump in the night or you can't stand the sound of silence, I'm just a few blocks away.
- Lori: And a good friend.
- [They kiss]
- Jim: Are you sure you don't want me to stay?
- Lori: I'd feel better if I knew what you were going to do.
- Jim: No, you wouldn't.
- Rocky: I don't like it.
- Jim: Rocky, you don't even know what I'm talking about!
- Rocky: I don't need to. I don't like it!
- Angel: [Rockford's Firebird pulls up in front of a dilapidated bungalow somewhere outside of L.A.] Huh? What do you say? Is this what you asked for? Huh? [He laughs excitedly]
- Jim: Yeah, perfect... I couldn't have done better myself. How much?
- Angel: Look at that. You said no neighbors, right? Well, right over here is an empty lot and right on this side is an empty house, huh?
- Jim: All right, Angel, how much?
- Angel: Listen, I got all the papers here, and all signed legal... binding...
- Jim: [sounding testy] Angel...
- Angel: Well, you know, Willie wasn't in love with the idea of renting it in the first place. Well, I mean a man's home is, uh... you know. But it's cause you were friends at Quentin... he said to say hi.
- Jim: [Impatiently] Hi... how much?
- Angel: [Uneasily] Ah... A hundred a day...
- Jim: Angel! A hundred dollars a day for that chicken shed?!
- Angel: [Defensively] You said it was perfect! The key is under the mat!
- Jim: [sighing he reaches inside his jacket for his wallet] All right, Angel... If I had the time I'd go rent one on my own, but I don't have the time. If I did I would, but you got yourself a deal, huh. [He hands a couple of fifties to his friend] Now I'm going to remember it... And when this whole thing is over, I'm going to have a little talk with Willie. See how much of that hundred sticks to your greedy little fingers, and then he's going to remember it. [He climbs into his car]
- Angel: [Nervously] Jimmy, you don't have to talk to Willie...
- [Rockford starts the car]
- Angel: Jimmy!
- [Rockford puts his foot to the accelerator]
- Angel: Jimmy! Hey Jimmy! I don't have a car!
- [He watches as Rockford drives off leaving him abandoned on the curb miles from L.A]
- Angel: Jimmy, Jimmy, just let me talk to you. Are you mad, huh?
- Jim: You have a gift for understatement, Angel.
The Oracle Wore a Cashmere Suit
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Teddy's Tree House! You've won our free landscaping service for one full year! We'll mow your lawn, top your trees, mulch, seed, fertilize and feed! Isn't that wonderful?!
- Jim Rockford: I remember somebody saying that the corpses would be found near a body of water. This place is practically the Gobi Desert.
- Roman Clementi: Sergeant? Mister Rockford?
- [He points uphill toward a reservoir]
- Jim: Are you kidding me? Water tanks don't count!
The Family Hour
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hey Jim, it's Frank. Me and Ellie's down here for our convention. Can't wait to see you! [Burps] Ah, should be over at your place about one a.m. Banzai, Buddy!
- Jim: Dennis, let's talk about this, huh? Now look...
- Dennis Becker: It's out of my hands, Jim!
- Jim: Dennis, what if Scotty just found out that you and Peggy went off a bridge. Now where would you want him to spend the next 24 hours, with Rocky and me or downtown in that wire mesh hellhole, huh?
- Marin Rose Gaily: I hate him.
- Jim: What?
- Marin Rose Gaily: I hate Daddy.
- Jim: I know you're sad and scared. I don't blame you, but... don't call it "hate."
Feeding Frenzy
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hi, this is the Happy Pet Clinic. Your father gave us this number when he left town. The calico stray had six kittens. Please come get them - today!
- Lt. Dan Hall: [red-faced] Don't tell me what I can do! I can do any damn thing I wanna do! Now you're going to get your tail off that table and you're going to take me to the money, and you're going to do it right now!
- Jim: Hey calm down Lieutenant, they're going to take you home in a respirator!
- Lt. Dan Hall: Well, yesterday you got yourself in a heap of trouble son.
- Jim: Well gee Dad, how'd I do that?
- Dennis Becker: [Jim's been arrested - again] What do you think, I'm an information bureau? I mean, once a month, I'm locked up in a room with you, with a tape running. It's putting a strain on our friendship.
- Jim: So I'd like to know who the cops were on the case.
- Dennis Becker: Now just wait a minute.
- Jim: Five'll getcha ten Lieutenant Hall was on the desk.
- Dennis Becker: There's one thing I'm not gonna do is hang this on the police department!
- Jim: Then why was he sniffing around this thing, huh? Go on Dennis, check it out.
- Dennis Becker: I don't have to! It wasn't Lieutenant Hall!
- Jim: Just 'cause he's a cop, he can't get jacked up over a half a million dollars?
- Dennis Becker: Shut up Jim!
Drought at Indianhead River
[edit]- Angel: I don't go by Angel anymore...
- Jim: Just who are you? The Archduke of Guacamole?
- Angel: Now, who would want to kill me?
- Jim: You want the list alphabetically or in order of importance?
- Jim: Hey he's a really breath of stale air, isn't he?
- Dominic Marcone Goon: He's a winner. What are you Mr. Rockford?
- Jim: I'll let you know.
- Dominic Marcon: You're holding out on me Jim, and I don't like that. We're trusting each other. And when I trust a guy, I expect him to be true with me. And if he doesn't, he's gonna end up in the flower business...as a soil additive!
- Jim: Ranch’o Angelo! Sort of takes your breath away, doesn’t it?
- Angel: It’s a DUMP! What a DUMP!
- Jim: I don’t know, once you get in the Orange Groves and riding stables it won’t look too bad.
- Angel: Do you think it’s funny?
- Jim: No Angel, I don’t think it’s funny. As a matter of fact it scares me to death. I think it’s about time we take this to the cops.
Coulter City Wildcat
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] It's Shirley at the Plant and Pot. There's no easy way to tell you this Jim. We did everything we could. Your fern died.
- Jim: Dad, who turned you onto this scheme?
- Rocky: Harry Schreau down at the Gear Tavern. He's the one always buying drinks for the house!
- Jim: Dad, isn't Harry also the one who lost five hundred bucks on an astrology chain letter?
- Gerald A. O'Malley: [on the phone] Hello?
- Jim: [Using a southern drawl] Mr. Gerald A. O'Malley?
- Gerald A. O'Malley: Yeah?
- Jim: Yeah, this is Roger Martel, sir. Kern County civil defense.
- Gerald A. O'Malley: Yes sir! What can I do for you?
- Jim: Government agencies have informed us that the Che Guevera unit of the ALF is planning to detonate eight jerry-rigged nuclear devices in Bakersfield, unless some federal prisoners are released by daybreak this morning.
- Gerald A. O'Malley: Now, wait a minute. What's the yield, man? What's the yield? Am I in the kill radius?
- Jim: We are not sure what the yield is, but you're correct in your assumption. You are in the kill radius.
- Gerald A. O'Malley: Well, you're very calm about it! I've written you people letter after letter about this kind of thing, and you've ignored it! Now - now you're, you're certain that she's going to blow?
- Jim: Just in case, sir, my advice would be to proceed immediately, and I repeat, immediately, to your bomb shelter. We've already had some leaks on this, and as your neighbors may come seeking protection from you, and no doubt they would be armed and desperate...
- Gerald A. O'Malley: Oh, shut up! I've got 1 million things to do here!
- [O'Malley slams down phone]
- Jim: When we agreed, you know, that we were gonna be partners, we were talking about a few hundred dollars, maybe a few thousand if we got lucky. But it's an awful lot of money, it just isn't right.
- Rocky: Of course it's right, Sonny. It couldn't be righter. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have anything.
- Rocky: Ooh watch them, they're stale.
- Jim: No no, these are croutons, Dad. They're not stale.
So Help Me God
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Doctor Salter's office. This is the third time you've cancelled. Now you have to have that root canal. A sore foot has nothing to do with your mouth!
- Beth Davenport: [about the Fifth Amendment] It doesn't apply!
- Jim: What do you mean, it doesn't apply? It's in the Constitution!
- Beth Davenport: It doesn't apply in this case, Jim. I told you the judge wouldn't buy your privileged argument! He read the questions the grand jury asked you, and he read your answers, and he said you waived your rights.
- Jim: You want to know what I think?
- Beth Davenport: I know what you think and I agree with you, only there's nothing I can do about it.
- Jim: I don't even know Frank Sorvino, I don't even know what they're trying to prove, whether I kidnapped him or snuck him out of the country? The federal prosecutor is playing Clarence Darrow like he's got a whip and a chair!
- Beth Davenport: Gary Bevins, he's bucking for the Attorney General.
- Jim: And he'll probably make it too. It's his show all the way, no attorney for the defense, you gotta go take a hike to find a judge, it's just Bevins and his merry band of men!
- Beth Davenport: Now look, Jim...
- Jim: Oh yeah, yeah, and the jury foreman? He has a gavel! Now since when do they give gavels to jury foremen?
- Beth Davenport: They don't, only it's not unusual for the average citizen to sort of get caught up in the role and...
- Jim: And then ask for one.
- Beth Davenport: No, I think they buy their own.
- Jim: Oh, come on. Beth, how soon can you get me out of here?
- Beth Davenport: I don't think I ought to try.
- Jim: Try? Hey, even murder's bailable!
- Beth Davenport: So is civil contempt, if I can convince the judge you got grounds for appeal.
- Jim: Then convince him!
- Beth Davenport: It's not that simple, Jim! You can go out one day and come back the next, you can't take this thing all the way to the Supreme Court!
- Jim: You mean I'm going to be eating cream chip beef on toast till they decide to let me out of here?
- Beth Davenport: Not exactly, you stay in jail until you agree to testify.
- Jim: Well, I'm not going to testify! Bevins is a one-man lynch mob!
- Beth Davenport: Or until the expiration of the current grand jury term.
- Jim: When is that?
- Beth Davenport: About nine months.
- Jim: Nine months? Oh, that's a pretty stiff sentence!
- Beth Davenport: That's why they made it civil contempt. If they'd made it criminal contempt, and asked for a sentence of more than six months, you'd have had a right to a trial by jury.
- Jim: Nine months...
- Beth Davenport: But, when the new grand jury is impaneled, if you're called again and you refuse to testify, again...
- Jim: Then it's back to the old slammer.
- Beth Davenport: Until their term expires, eighteen months. Then...
- Jim: And then they impanel another jury and the whole thing starts all over again. I haven't been charged with anything, I haven't been convicted of anything, you know, with a deal like that, do you realize how long I could be in here?
- Beth Davenport: Theoretically? The rest of your life.
- Jim: Yeah.
- [Beth got Jim released on a technicality, that his name had been miswritten]
- Jim: Neither one of us knew it was gonna be a kangaroo court.
- Rocky: Yeah, I don't understand it! You told them the truth!
- Jim: Yeah, and they didn't buy it. Hey look, I'm out, right?
- Beth Davenport: Temporarily. They're gonna hit you with another subpoena, Jim.
- Jim: Well, let them. This time I go in knowing the ground rules. I give them my name and I take the Fifth Amendment all the way.
- Rocky: That's what I'd do. Well, they think you're guilty anyway.
- Jim: Look, I can use the Fifth Amendment, can I? I mean, they haven't repealed the law or anything?
- Beth Davenport: No, sure, you can take it, and they'll dismiss you, it will just be postponing the inevitable. Gary Bevins will apply to the Department of Justice for a grant of immunity, then you'll be recalled and you'll have to testify, or be held in contempt of court, again. This time they're gonna get your name right, my love.
- Bevins: Now, then, Mr. Rockford, what was the nature of your relationship with Frank Sorvino?
- Jim: I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate me.
- Bevins: Of all the constitutional amendments, that seems to be your favorite. Isn't that correct, Mr. Rockford?
- Jim: I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate me.
- Bevins: Not the First, not the Sixteenth, but the Fifth. It seems to be a universaI favorite among felons.
- Foreman: Mr. Bevins, we're all interested in the truth, but is it necessary to badger Mr. Rockford?
- Bevins: I'm sorry, Mr. Foreman, but this witness has steadfastly sought to withhold evidence that is vital to this inquiry.
- Jim: Mr. Foreman...
- Bevins: However, rather than burden the grand jury with another appeaI to Mr. Rockford's sense of civic duty and responsibility, Mr. Foreman, I will, instead, ask that the witness be excused, and file an appeal with the Department of Justice for a grant of immunity. When such grant is forthcoming, this witness will be recalled.
- Jim: Mr. Foreman, may I make a statement?
- Foreman: To what purpose, Mr. Rockford?
- Jim: To clarify a situation that could use some clarification.
- Foreman: All right, Mr. Rockford, a brief statement.
- Jim: There's an old saying, you never buy a pig in a poke. Well, I bought one when I walked into this courtroom the other day. I thought I was walking into a court of law, not an inquisition.
- Bevins: Mr. Foreman, I protest.
- Jim: No, Mr. Bevins, I protest. I'm a citizen of the United States. And, as a citizen, I'm guaranteed certain rights under the constitution. When I try to avail myself of those rights, I'm jailed, I'm threatened, I'm subjected to the worst kind of intimidation...
- Bevins: Mr. Foreman, this witness is trying to impugn the character and reputation...
- Jim: What character?
- Foreman: Mr. Rockford, I must warn you that you can be held in contempt for such statements.
- Bevins: The character of decent citizens who have been impaneled for the purpose...
- Jim: I'm not indicting the grand jury, I'm indicting Mr. Bevins. For misusing and manipulating...
- Foreman: (bangs gavel) Mr. Rockford, I warn you.
- Jim: I told you the truth, and you called me a liar. You paraded my prison record before these jurors, and ignored the fact that I was pardoned. Well, Mr. Bevins, you have less respect for the law than any of the men I ever did time with.
- Bevins: Mr. Foreman!
- Jim: I haven't done a damned thing. I have been subjected to harassment, character assassination, and your presence. Let me tell you, Mr. Bevins, you go ahead and get your grant of immunity, and you stick it in your ear!
- Jim: I've testified before this grand jury on two prior occasions. As a result, I've been imprisoned twice, I've been very nearly killed, and I've been subjected to the most flagrant abuse of power...
- Bevins: Mr. Rockford, You are coming dangerously close to contempt of court again.
- Foreman: Mr. Bevins, can't Mr. Rockford finish? We are interested in what he has to say.
- Jim: Thank you, Mr. Foreman. See, it's been quite an education, Mr. Bevins. I've not only been cited with contempt, but I've been treated with contempt. And with a total disregard for my rights guaranteed to me under the constitution. I've been guilty of nothing except ignorance of the fact that the man that I knew as George Catman was in fact Frank Sorvino. And with the ignorance that in a proceeding of law you could slander and threaten and try to intimidate me with impunity. Well, Mr. Bevins, I want an apology. And I want it now.
- Bevins: The grand jury has no apology to make. You've been treated with scrupulous regard to your rights. The abuse of power to which you refer is the power conferred upon this body.
- Jim: I wasn't referring to the grand jury, Mr. Bevins.
- Bevins: The witness is excused.
- Jim: I read an article in a recent legal publication. I'd like to introduce it into the record, if that's all right? [Foreman nods] Thank you. It said, "There is no such thing as a small injustice. There is no such thing as a minor abridgement of rights. That if even one citizen is so deprived, make no mistake, we all suffer."
- Bevins: Stirring, Mr. Rockford.
- Jim: Thank you very much. That was part of a summation of a case that attracted quite a bit of attention a few years back. The client had been subjected to harassment, illegal search and seizure, a series of injustices in the name of justice.
- Bevins: Mr. Rockford, would it be too much to hope that there's a point to this rather lengthy reminiscence? The term of the current grand jury expires in nine months.
- Jim: Oh, I think you'll want to hear how it ended. It's a real Cinderella story. You see, the defense attorney not only won an acquittal for his client with this impassioned outcry, but that very attorney was plucked from private practice by no less than the Attorney GeneraI of the United States and appointed as an Assistant Federal Prosecutor.
- Bevins: And, I trust, lived happily ever after.
- Jim: I hope not, Mr. Bevins. I sincerely hope not. You don't remember the words, do you, Mr. Bevins? Because they're your words. As you said before, the grand jury has another nine months to serve here. I'd like to think that the grand jury will remember your words. Thank you, Mr. Foreman.
Rattlers' Class of '63
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Gene's 24 Hour Emergency Plumbing. Your water heater's blown? We'll have somebody out there Tuesday...Thursday at the latest.
- Lt. Doug Chapman: Bobby Boyajian's brothers tell us that you two guys took the kid apart in the wedding chapel in La Jolla, and now he's dead. So don't sit there like butter wouldn't melt in your mouths!
- Jim: I don't care what they say, we didn't start anything, it was Boyajian himself.
- Angel: That's right, they're a bunch of liars, if you've ever dealt with the Boyajians, you'd know what creeps they are!
- Lt. Doug Chapman: Mr. Martin, Bobby's sister Regine said that you telephoned her at Azie Boyajian's house last night, you tried to arrange a meeting with her brother so you could iron out some problems, is that right?
- Jim: Wait a minute, Angel, you did what?
- Angel: Regine can't testify against me, she's my legal wife.
- Lt. Doug Chapman: Regine hung up on you, Mr. Martin, so maybe you telephoned Bobby at his home and he agreed to meet you.
- Dennis Becker: Bobby's wound was point-blank. It had to be somebody who knew him, somebody who could walk right up to him.
- Lt. Doug Chapman: Right. So what I'm saying is this: you (points at Angel), or you (points at Jim) or both of you met Bobby and got what you really wanted, which wasn't to iron out any problems, but to fill the kid's face with double-aught buckshot!
- Dennis Becker: It was birdshot, Lieutenant!
- Beth Davenport: [Slams her purse on table] Birdshot, buckshot, how much speculation do we have to listen to?! You may have a motive, maybe opportunity, but do you have an eyewitness, a weapon, anything that's at all solid?
- Jim: Well, I think that ought to take care of that. I don't think the District Attorney's office is gonna file on loose charges, will they?
- Lt. Doug Chapman: Sit down, Rockford!
- Jim: What for, you can't file a charge?
- Lt. Doug Chapman: Not on the homicide, not yet. But I've got you on fraud, grand theft! Complaint signed by the Boyajian brothers. Sergeant, get somebody from the Bunko Squad up here, book these guys for the Red Barn Con. [Dennis leaves. Chapman removes the visitors' passes from Rockford and Angel's chests] Like I said, sit down, gentlemen.
- [Jim angrily glares at Angel]
- [Jim and Beth walk out of the police station]
- Angel: Hey, Jimmy, how you're doing? [Jim and Beth glare at him angrily] What are you cheesing me about, I got you off the bunko rap!
- Jim: Angel, you get too close to me, I'm gonna pull out your beard hair by hair!
- Angel: Hey, it ain't like you're the one who got the chargin', no, I mean it wasn't your partner that got beaten to death. You're not the one who's got somebody going to hit you over the head with a lead pipe. For you, it's over with!
- [They encounter the Boyajian brothers]
- Azie Boyajian: Hey! Hey, what are you two guys doing out on the street?
- Angel: Hey Azie, how are you? I'm so terribly sorry to hear about Bobby.
- Beth Davenport: [Leads Jim away] Jim, just keep walking. Don't say anything, I mean it!
- Azie: Rockford, you scumbag, don't you turn your back on me!
- Hank Boyajian: Azie, don't get into it, not here!
- Azie: Yeah, we gotta pick up Bobby's belongings, then I guess we're gonna give them to the Goodwill, cause he ain't never gonna use them no more. His whole face is gone! Then the police lets sleaze like you go free, huh? Okay, so be it! We know where to find both of you!
- Beth Davenport: I'm Mr. Rockford's attorney, should I interpret that as a threat?
- Hank: Come on, come on! [The Boyajians leave]
- Jim: [Glares at Angel] It's over, huh?
- Beth Davenport: Jim, I think the thing for you to do is just lay low until the cops nab Bobby's killer. These guys will cool off.
- Angel: But they ain't gonna make that call if they're set on sticking me and Jimmy with the killing. I'm talking about survival now, you're gonna have to try and find that murderer!
- Beth Davenport: Oh no, no, absolutely not. I don't want--
- Jim: [Interjects] Beth. Beth, he's right. It's either that or we wait to join the melon rinds in the back of some garbage truck.
- Angel: This was supposed to be my honeymoon. I had a good woman and look what I did. I could have been with her tonight, holding that warm, sweet body instead of this fungo bat.
- Jim: Save the Hank Williams, will you? I left my fiddle at home.
- Angel: What, I ain't entitled to have regrets?
- Jim: The only thing you're upset about is the spot you're in. What about the spot you handed Regine, huh? I wouldn't be surprised now if she turns off men completely.
- Angel: Oh, come on.
- Jim: It happens, Angel. It happens. Let me tell you something, if I had my choice between you and her right now, I'd pick her.
- Angel: Jimmy, I had to stay alive.
- Jim: You're alive. Be happy. You have plenty of good years left for sniveling and complaining.
- [Angel is in Jim's trailer]
- Jim: [Enters; sees Angel, slams the door] Angel, I am in a foul mood today and the last person I wanna see is you, so out!
- Angel: I can feature you being browned off at me, Jim, so I'm not gonna stick around, but I was hoping that maybe I could stash my stuff here. See, Regine's annulment petition went through and I gotta give her my entire collection as part of the settlement. Well, I mean, originals, collectors items! Avery Joe Hunter, Little Walter...
- Jim: You wanna hide them here, after what you've done? Look, as far as I'm concerned, Regine deserves all four of your limbs.
- Angel: Wait till you go through a divorce, we'll see what kind of tune you sing!
- Jim: I might as well have gone through one, I had lunch with a banker today. You know, I have to refinance my trailer to pay back a $2,000 debt for that property option, also owe a bill for the rental of a bulldozer, Rocky won't even talk to me because his friend's camper did a patty melt.
- Regine: [Outside, knocks on the door] Jim!
- Angel: What is she doing here?
- Jim: Well, she said she might drop by, she wants me to help track down an old boyfriend of her.
- Angel: You mean that bozo Donny Angle, I know all about that that guy. But you don't do missing persons work.
- Jim: For her I do, I might even do it for free. You know, if I didn't know you were such a lizard, I might think you were jealous.
- [Regine knocks again, Angel tries to stall]
- Jim: What am I supposed to do, she's out there?!
Return to the Thirty-Eighth Parallel
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Tompkins at Guaranteed Insurance. About your burglary claim? Major loss alright. Funny you remembered to file... you didn't remember to pay your premium!
- Jim: Al, Al, be a good soldier. Don't die, just fade away.
- Alvin Thomas: I can't believe the way you people operate.
- Jim: Well Marcy seems punctual and well-organized. I, I'm more like her.
- Alvin Thomas: Are you a connoisseur of art?
- Jim: I had a painted turtle when I was a kid.
- Al Brennan: I'll stake out Stabila's house and I'll move in for a little night reconnaissance.
- Jim: In peace time they call that breaking and entering, not to mention the fact that's exactly what your client asked you not to do!
- Jim: They threatened to audit me for the past seven years!
- Al Brennan: Ooh... you're clean, aren't you Jim?
- Jim: Brennan, nobody is clean! If the auditor doesn't find anything they take his pencils away.
Piece Work
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caler: [beeep] This is Dr. Salter's office again regarding that root canal. The doctor's in his office...waiting. He's beginning to dislike you!
- Dennis Becker: Make lieutenant? I'll be lucky if I make the end of the week!
- Rocky: I didn't like it when you was messing around with your boy scout knife. I sure don't like it now that you're messing around with machine guns!
- [Dennis is cuffing Fred Molin]
- Jim: Well, Fred...looks like you're going to have something to really be depressed about.
- Jim: I do my job my way, or I don't do it at all.
The Trouble With Warren
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jimmy, it's Phil in Puerto Rico. This is real important. Talked to Mr. [crackling line noise], he'll pay $20,000. Call him at 231… [crackling line noise] ...638.
- Beth Davenport: Warren is a brilliant chess player.
- Jim: He's a turkey!
- Jim: My next attorney's going to be a foundling - someone with no known living relatives.
- Jim: I'm the one who spent the night on the county, Beth!
- Beth Davenport: And everybody has apologized. Now will you listen to me?
- Lt. Doug Chapman: You got a big, smart mouth with contempt for the law and the people who try to enforce it!
- Jim: Not all of them, lieutenant.
There's One in Every Port
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [Beeep] Bum-mer! I call up with some good vibes and positive energies and talk to a robot? For-get you man!
- Jim: [in his finest con-job Texan billionaire drawl] Nick, I've got a thing about loose talk. If you were to run out into the brush for about nine miles and whisper this to a gopher, I'd make it a personal point to bust the wheels off your wagon.
- Christina Marks: Why don't we start by having dinner?
- Jim: Alright. Do you like halibut?
- Christina Marks: Oh yeah, I love it.
- Jim: Fine, fine. We'll stop by Blast Gillette's on the way and pick one up.
- Angel: What does he mean by calling me a halibut?
- Jim: It's a fish that swims on the bottom.
- Angel: I don't like him.
- Edward J. Marks: [Kenny has taken out a hygienic damp cloth, wiping his hands compulsively] I once heard of a guy name Kenny something who was, like, kind of a cleanliness nut.
- Judge Lyman: Agent Reinhardt has a skin rash; he picked it up in South-east Asia last year. Hasn't cleared up yet, huh Frank?
- Kenny Hollywood: Doc says if it doesn't go away by Wednesday, they'll have to try steroids.
Sticks and Stones May Break Your Bones, but Waterbury Will Bury You
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Department of the Army. Our records show you are the Rockford, James who failed to turn in his service automatic in May 1953. Contact us at once!
- Vern St. Cloud: I mean I checked the phone books; I checked all of the model agencies...
- Jim: That's a waste of time; she's not a model. All right, she's blue eyed, very thin, but both of you said she was 5'-4". You've got to be at least 5'-7" to be a model; designer's clothes hang better on taller women.
- Vern St. Cloud: Who are you? Eve St. Lawrence?
- Vern St. Cloud: Why you're on a real crusade, aren't you. You're a regular Sir Guinevere!
- Jim: Okay, Vern, what's your problem? Rabies?
- Wass: Whatcha doin'?
- Jim: Oh, just putting up my guard like I always do when somebody sticks their nose in my business.
- Wass: Your business is my business as long as you're loitering here, staring at those apartments. We're with building security.
- Jim: No, you're not, you got out of that Vette back there just a minute ago.
The Trees, the Bees and T.T. Flowers (1)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jimmy-y-y old buddy, buddy, it's Angel! You know how they allow you one phone call... well this is it.
- Rocky: [Delivers an eulogy at T.T.'s funeral] T.T. Flowers used to say that cities made men poor and women old and everyone lonesome. So he bought himself 10 acres way out in the country. It was then in '35. Him and his little bride, Lou Ella, they built a reaI nice place there, and they named it Freedom, and they were raising rabbits and chickens and goats and turkeys and bees. And then Lou Ella died giving birth to their little girl. T.T., he raised her as best he could and he stayed right there on the place, all the time watching the city creeping closer to him. T.T. Flowers played music to his bees and talked to his trees. Of course, no one ever asked him if they answered him back, or if they did, what did they say? The city just decided that there was no room anymore for a man who talked to trees. But T.T. always said that the city might surround him, but they'd never pave him under, because he was there first. And he was right. But the city didn't care.
- Jim: What do you know about T.T.'s son-in-law?
- Rocky: Oh, he's a rich stockbroker, is all I know. But, of course, T.T. says that he's nothing but a con man with a diploma and a place to hang it.
- Dennis Becker: Let me get this straight if I can. What you're saying is that a Beverly Hills psychiatrist, an Encino stockbroker, a San Marino lawyer and the biggest subdivider in the next county, all got together to do an old man out of three acres without the daughter's knowledge, but with her consent and full cooperation?
- Jim: I don't know if they all got together, Dennis, but they're all doing it to him.
- Dennis Becker: There's nothing to tie them together and from what you said, I'd say the old man's right where he belongs.
- Jim: Okay, so his lifestyle doesn't help his case any. But since when is eccentricity punishable by torture? And besides, Muellard knew about the attempt on my life, which ties him to something. Or did you forget somebody tried to kill me yesterday?
- Dennis Becker: Look, Jimbo, what can I do?
- Jim: Well, did you run a check on the nitrous oxide tank?
- Dennis Becker: Yup. Dr. Fellows ran an inventory against supply and accounted for every tank. So there's nothing there. And Fellows is the director of Horizons Crest.
- Jim: Well, he's in on it, too.
- Dennis Becker: Oh, good, now I can add a Woodland Hills doctor to your list of co-conspirators.
- Jim: [On phone with Dennis] Well, what do you want for proof, Dennis? My body? This is second time somebody's tried to kill me in two days! Yeah. I know he's a pillar of the community. No, I won't tell you where I am. [Slams phone]
The Trees, the Bees and T.T. Flowers (2)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hello... He-Hello... Hello?... Hello!
- Rocky: [continued; T.T.'s eulogy from last episode] He said, "There's more spiritual illumination in a hive of bees than you'd ever get from a man in a suit." T.T. found his inspiration in the miracle of spring. When he'd feel the first warm breezes start to push the frost north, he'd jump in that old truck of his and load it up with beehives and go chasing the blossoms, leapfrogging his bees to keep ahead of the flow of nectar. Well, he told me that they had been doing that in old Egypt in the days of the Pharaohs. Not in trucks, of course, but in big old barges floating slowly up the Nile... just one step behind the grand opening of spring. Well, now our friend has joined those who brought honey to the Pharaohs. Some say it was the city that killed T.T. But I know of one time when the city was his friend. And if he'd known it, T.T. would be alive today. /.../ Those of us who loved him lost a valuable friend when T.T. Flowers went north with the nectar, and the world lost another keeper of the bees. And a good one. Spring isn't going to be the same without him.
- Cathy Royle: Sherm, we can work this out. We always do. But, not like this. And until we do, I don't want to sell the place.
- Sherman Royle: No, you don't know what you're saying.
- Jack Muellard: He's right, Mrs. Royle. Why don't you let the men handle the business?
The Becker Connection
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hi. Um. I'm confused. Is this Dial a Prayer? Well, should I call back when the Reverend's in the office or what?
- Jim: Well, the name I came up with is Rafael Sabatini.
- Angel: Well, let me finish my story, huh? Sabatini. That's the name I got from four or five guys. Sabatini.
- Jim: Angel, Rafael Sabatini has been dead for a coupla hundred years.
- Angel: I was telling the one about the prisoner going to the chair. You know that one? The prisoner? He's going to the electric chair and his attorney comes in and he says, "Give me some last minute advice!" And the attorney says, "Don't sit down!"
- Angel: [on stage for his comedy routine] Hey, hey, hey, hey, how do you like it so far? I'm so glad to see all of you here tonight. I love playing a prison; it's a captive audience. You notice how polite it is in a prison. All day long when you go by the wardens office, there is prisoners coming out, and they're going; 'pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.' [to the drummer] Hey, could I have a little help over there?
- [Drummer gives a single 'timpani']
- Angel: I knew a guy on the "D" block, pathetic case Guy, all of his life, he wanted to be a tree surgeon, but he kept fainting at the sight of sap. Sap. Sap. [chuckles] H-e-h-ey! Then, I knew this prisoner whose lawyer came to see him in the prison. The lawyer said, "everything is terrific. We got everything under control. I got a big pitch going with the parole board, and I have some very close connections with the governor. But, in the meantime, try and escape.'
- [Angel chuckles, and tries to look for anyone laughing in the audience]
- Angel: Escape? Escape.
- Jim: Whaddaya think, Dennis?
- Dennis Becker: Well, everybody's talkin' to me. It's kinda nice having friends.
- Jim: Yeah.
- Dennis Becker: But you know somethin'? I still hate surprise parties.
Just Another Polish Wedding
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] George Debohn, Malibu Space Watch. Had three sightings last week. You see anything unusual? Your television reception interrupted? Call 555-1313.
- Marcus Hayes: [in a Nazi bar]] This is a nice place you have here. You know, the nice thing about this country? That people from all political walks of life can coexist. Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Socialists, Nazis.
- Marcus Hayes: You have a hair-trigger, Mr. Finch.
- Gandy: That's right, mouth, and you're sitting on the edge of a big disaster.
- Marcus Hayes: I like him Jimmy. He's got pluck.
- Gandolph Fitch: Shut up Gabby!
- Jim: [incredulous] Gabby?!
- Marcus Hayes: [sighs] Yeah, that's what he calls me. Cute, huh?
- Jim: [snorts in disbelief] Gabby and Gandy...sounds like a puppet show.
- Marcus Hayes: [Marcus and Gandy have just trashed the Crystal Palace bar, a bar full of neo-Nazis] Before I leave, I would like to give you people my feelings on right-wing extremists, and neo-Nazism, in particular.
- Gandolph Fitch: [Sirens are getting closer] Let's go!
- Marcus Hayes: The strength of this country is in the blue-collar middle classes. Now, Marx, Lenin, and even Nietzsche even, to a lesser extent, all believe that the working class had to be destroyed beyond recognition, before the government would follow. Now, I personally believe, however, that the American middle class is totally indestructible. Now, think about that. There'll be a quiz after the Watts parade.
New Life, Old Dragons
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] It's Pete. Hope you enjoyed using the cabin last week...only next time leave the trout in the refrigerator, huh, not the cupboard!
- Mitch Donner: You're stalling Rockford; you don't want to be in the wheel-chair basketball team.
To Protect and Serve (1)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is James Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Esther, your father's friend. So, you're helping me move. That's it? You couldn't call? See if maybe I don't like the new place? See if maybe there's some painting to be done...?
- Peggy Becker: Just what is a buff?
- Dennis Becker: [looks uncomfortable] Well, it's a citizen who is fascinated by the police work. Like, you know, people who are into CB radios and broadwave shows, these people are buffs as we call them: they like to spend their time around the station getting to know the fellas, sorta hang out...
- Peggy Becker: [angry] Dennis, that's not a buff, that's a groupie!
- Lianne Sweeny: Jim Rockford, Jim Rockford...Newton Street Division, 1968, Watts Riots!
- Jim: No...
- Lianne Sweeny: No, don't tell me, don't tell me! Metro!
- Dennis Becker: Jim Rockford's a private investigator, Lianne.
- Lianne Sweeny: [looking as though she smells something bad] Oh...
- Lianne Sweeny: It may interest you to know that Sergeant Becker rolled a code three to a major four-fifteen which could have turned out to be a one-eighty-seven.
- Jim: I flunked math.
- Anthony Boy Gagglio: Whadda they call this, a pizza?
- Syl: It ain't so bad, Tony.
- Anthony Boy Gagglio: Ain't so bad? How can you say that. You been eatin' New York pizza all your life, you gonna make a statement like that? Back in Sheepshead Bay they throw up on crust like this. It's all cheese. Where's the tomato sauce, hunh? It ain't a pizza, it's a grilled cheese sandwich. California...
To Protect and Serve (2)
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is incredible! Do you know I had one of my dreams last night? I dreamed that if I called you, you wouldn't be home...and you're not!
- Lianne Sweeny: [after the shootout, she approaches Lt. Chapman] Hi, Doug. Hey, Doug, Doug. I just want to say that I think Dennis Becker handled this situation very, very well. Even if that civilian hadn't done what he did, I think that Dennis would have nailed those turkeys, with no harm to the victim. I think it was quite a collar, a feather in everyone's cap. The way I look at it, there's sure as hell enough glory to go around from this baby.
- Lt. Doug Chapman: Ms. Sweeney, why don't you go home?
- Lianne Sweeny: [Taken aback] What?
- Lt. Doug Chapman: I said go home. Go back to your family. Go back to your job, whatever it is, and for God's sake, let us do ours. The police don't have many friends these days, so we have a tendency to take whatever comes our way, and that's our mistake.
- Lianne Sweeny: Doug, I don't know what you're talking about. I just love what you guys do, that's all. I - I hate crime and criminals.
- [Lt. Chapman walks away]
Crack Back
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Dr. Salter. My nurse tells me you've blown four root canal appointments. Well, you're finished in this office.
Dirty Money, Black Light
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is Toby. I forgot what I was calling for. Your recording is so boring... spike it with some humor, some personality...something!
- Beth Davenport: I hope Angel won't say anything that's gonna get Rocky into trouble.
- Jim: Hey, Angel has been in stir. He knows better than to talk without his lawyer present. And you're his lawyer. Angel knows better. He'll keep his mouth shut.
- [Cut to Angel being questioned by FBI]
- Angel: See, you wanna be talking to Jim Rockford and his father, Joseph. Let me spell that for you. That's Rockford. R-O-C-K-F-O-R-D. The guy's got a record, too, you know, but the State, they pardoned him. But you know the State, they just practically give them pardons away. This guy and his dad, they're dirty. You talk about marked bills and mob money. You want to find these guys right away. I wouldn't waste any time. Now, Rocky, that's the father, he's at the Palm Shores Hotel. That's in Hawaii. A lot of mob guys hang out there. I'd grab him and I wouldn't let him go. I'd grab him right away if I was you.
- Agent Steiner: You better be straight with us, Martin.
- Angel: Straight? Straight? I'm so straight, my back's hurting.
- Agent Steiner: You better be. We've got a shopping list of charges to hang on somebody. You're pretty handy right now.
- Angel: Who me? Charges?
- Agent Steiner: Five to ten for fraud. Five to ten for conspiracy to avoid taxes. Five to ten, obstructing justice. Twenty to life, accessory to murder.
- Angel: Murder? Wait a minute. Wait a second. I wouldn't murder no one, not for a couple of Cs. Look, you want to talk to the Rockford gang. That's R-O-C-K-F-O-R-D.
- Angel: [getting a haircut from Rocky] I-I'm gonna interject something here. I appreciate the fact you're cutting my hair for free, because I'm so broke, but, uh, we're not getting that layered look that we were talking about, you know. Maybe we should wash it with some of that organic shampoo, you know what I mean? Then cut it while it's wet and then give it a blow-dry.
- Rocky: What?
- Angel: Well, that's how they do it in Beverly Hills.
- Rocky: Yeah, well this is how we did it in the Seabees, and we all looked like men.
Season 4
[edit]Beamer's Last Case
[edit]- Answering machine: [Loud traffic noise in background] Jimmy, this is Angel. Listen, I've got this new pad right over by the Hollywood Freeway and some friends are coming. Borrow your record player?
- Ramirez: My banking representatives will be by at five to cancel out the debt; have the money.
- Jim: Representatives? Plural?
- Ramirez: That's right
- Jim: I guess they travel in pairs 'cause that way they have twenty fingers and twenty toes.
- Jim: Detective Digest, ‘strange cases from my file’, it's a weekly feature. Hear harrowing legal experiences by America's premiere defense attorney, He reads this stuff Dennis, he is one hundred percent chucklehead!
- Ralph Steel: I'm getting my gun. Both of you guys are dead.
- Freddie Beamer: Yeah? Well, go ahead! I'm not the kind of guy you can blow away with a threat!
- Jim: Yeah, well I am!
Trouble in Chapter 17
[edit]- Jim: Look, I don't have a lead!
- Ann Louise Clement: Except...
- Jim: Some avenging feminist with a black belt in auto repairing.
- Jim: It's my client's book, part Dear Abby, part Norman Vincent Peale and part Kama Sutra.
- Rocky: What's a Kama Sutra?
- Jim: It's a...uh...how-to book.
- Jim: Somebody took a shot at her.
- Dennis: Are you sure it wasn't a backfire?
- Jim: It was a shot, Dennis.
- Dennis: The doorman thinks it was a backfire.
- Jim: Oh, and some expert he is since he's heard so many gunshots!
- Dennis: He's heard a lot of backfires!
The Battle of Canoga Park
[edit]- Rocky: Well anyone who keeps dirty laundry in their desk I think is pretty...
- Jim: I knew right where to find it didn't I?
- Rocky: Don't worry, Sonny. I mean, they can't throw you in jail for something you didn't do!
- Jim: Isn't that what you said before I spent those fun-filled years at Quentin?
- Rocky: Jimmy didn't kill nobody!
- Jim: Jimmy's gun did.
- [Lee Ronstadt, the paramilitary group leader, calls Ray, the talk radio host on the water shortage debate]
- Lee: Now you wanna know what I think about the water shortage, right?
- Ray: Right.
- Lee: There isn't any.
- Ray: What do you mean there isn't any?
- Lee: Look, Ray, I heard all about your so-called drought. The fact is, we got plenty of water.
- Ray: Is that so? Where?
- Lee: Okay, I'll tell you where it is. We're selling it to the Arabs.
- Ray: The who?
- Lee: The Arabs! They got nothing but sand and money.
- Ray: Look Lee, get to the point.
- Lee: Listen, if you were sitting in the middle of a desert, what would you be looking to import?
- Ray: Lee, you are pretty off-base today.
- Lee: And who suffers? We do! I can remember a time here in California when we grew tomatoes the size of cantaloupes and cantaloupes the size of...
- Ray: That's a pretty flaky theory, who'd sell our water?
- Lee: Well, it's them bleeding hearts back in Washington, that's who! Trying to keep the whole world happy and to hell with the American people! Well, I got my sprinklers going, and I'm gonna keep them going, and to hell with the Arabs!
Second Chance
[edit]- Jim: Gandy's carrying around a $12 grudge in a $3 hat. He's not gonna be too gentle when it comes to collecting, so you either give me some answers or I'll drop him on your doorstep.
- Theda: You wouldn't do that!
- Jim: Watch me!
The Dog and Pony Show
[edit]- Answering Machine: Jimmy. Lou. You owe me five bucks. Madarazo's average in the '68 Series was .310 not .350. Oh and, ha, ha, Fred and I are getting divorced.
- Jim: But I will need a diversion so I can get back to Bloomberg's room and try to talk to him.
- Angel: Oh! Now we're getting to the nitty-gritty. Now it's beginning to make sense. "Come on over to Rocky's, Angel." Serve my favorite food. First time I been invited over here for so much as a glass of water!
- Rocky: [to Mary Jo] I could use a little help in the kitchen with the coffee and dessert.
- Angel: Forget about the dessert! You don't buy Angel Martin with a couple of drumsticks and some red eye gravy.
Requiem for a Funny Box
[edit]- Answering Machine: Mr. Rockford? Sue Ellen. Our class is having that crazy scavenger hunt I told you about. If you're wondering what happened to your trailer door, it's gonna win me first prize!
Quickie Nirvana
[edit]- Jim: You've flipped from Ashram to watertank and back! Are you any happier for it? Look around you. You see a lotta bliss out there?
- Sky: I don't think I've done so bad for being 32 years old.
- Jim: You're 40. I've seen your driver's license.
- Sky: I was 40, but I'm making positive affirmations! I'm 32. I'm youthing myself.
- Jim: You're 40!
- Sky: But I don't want to get old.
- Jim: Well, neither do I!
- Sky: But you see we don't have to. Not if...
- Jim: There's nothing you can do about it. That's the way it is. I'm sorry to be the bearer of the bad news. There's no easy answer, you know. No quickie nirvana. You don't like it, tough! Join the club!
Irving the Explainer
[edit]- Answering Machine: Hey, am I too late for those African goats? Haven't got the whole three hundred cash, but I've got a lot of homemade cheese. Maybe we could work something out?
- Dennis: Let me get this straight: You have a client who has the same name as Herman Goering's HOUSE?!
- Karen Hall: You met up with the Surete. They actually followed me. That's why I had that horrible feeling I was being watched. And they're the ones who ransacked my room!
- Jim: Oh no, not nearly so simple. Your room was ransacked by an Olympic wrestling champion and a German ex-neurosurgeon.
- Becker: [reviewing a microfiche] Stay back, please. This is official department memorandum, open only to the department.
- Jim: Boy, mention the Nazis around you and it rubs off!
- Karen Hall: Of course, Korper wasn't the only one of his time to be pro-Nazi.
- Jim: Sure. There was Mussolini...
The Mayor's Committee From Deer Lick Falls
[edit]- Answering Machine: So you put your machine on at night, huh? Just cause I call you at 3 am? You know how bad my insomnia is! Thanks a lot Jim!
- Jim: [after crashing the sabotaged Firebird to a stop] Well, what do you say let's forget the sushimi and call it a day?
- Lauren: How long does it take to read a police report anyway?
- Dennis: Quite a while, if you're Lt. Chapman.
- Jim: Oh yes, sometimes he'll read a report twice if it's complicated. Actually tonight his attention span is pretty good.
- Rankin: [to Rockford] Your file. I've never had the occasion to examine one this size before, and I've been with the Bureau of Consumer Affairs for nineteen years! You seem to have some sort of magnetic field that attracts controversy!
- Benson: [Benson tossing Jim a wad of money] That's five thousand dollars.
- Jim: Yeah, yeah I thought so. My hand size is a perfect five thousand.
Hotel of Fear
[edit]- Answering Machine: Jimmy, this is Manny down at Ralph's and Marla's. Some guy named Angel Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab, and now he wants to charge it to you. You gonna pay?
- Angel: Muriel is dead! D-on-the-e-d!
- Angel: I wrote a book about the whole thing.
- Jim: You have trouble writing your laundry list!
- D.A. Pleasance: Now, Del Kane is syndicate. If we can convict him, maybe we can get him to do some talking. He knows where a lot of bodies are buried.
- Lt. Chapman: He planted them!
- [The mob scares away Angel's ghost writer]
- Writer: Two men stopped me outside a pizza parlor..thed promise to break my legs if that's books published..what you call a touch up, needs mouth to mouth resuscitation.
- Angel: Oh great..one threat and he folds up..everyone makes out on the deal except me.
- Jim: I wouldn't say that...you do get something out of it...not worth much.
- Angel: Yeah, what?
- Jim: Your life.
Forced Retirement
[edit]- Answering Machine: Hi there! [beep] If you're interested in selling your product by a computerized telephone sale, stay on the line and one of our representatives will speak to you!
- Jim: [as "Jimmy Joe Meeker"] That's another thing my daddy always said: smart folks always eat off the same plate, but those greedy ones always spill their dinner.
- Richard Lessing: I'm beginning to tire of your daddy.
- Beth: I don't want to raid Harcourt and Lowe's client list when I leave, but I am worried about clients; where are they going to come from?
- Jim: Oh hey, they'll come, they'll come! And, you know, you've always got me!
- Beth: Thanks Jim. I was talking about paying clients though.
The Queen of Peru
[edit]- Answering Machine: Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You don't have five hundred dollars, you have fifty... Sorry! Computer foul-up!
A Deadly Maze
[edit]- Answering Machine: Hey Jimmy! I tried to catch you before you left! [chuckles] Hey buddy, I was wrong. That rally in Mexico? That was yesterday!
- [Jim has just been threatened by a butcher]
- Rocky: What was that guy's beef?
- Jim: What? Is that supposed to be funny?
- Rocky: What'd I say? What'd I say?
The Attractive Nuisance
[edit]The Gang at Don's Drive-In
[edit]- Answering Machine: Jim I have finally finished 12 long years of psychotherapy and now I am able to tell you just what I think of you. Would you please call me?
The Paper Palace
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Mrs. Owens of the Organization for a Better Malibu. Thanks for your contribution. We've made great strides. It would help, dear, if you'd move your trailer.
- Rita Capkovic: [at the Becker dinner table] You know the one animal I can't stand? Monkeys. I had one once. I only kept him for a couple of weeks. They make the place so smelly. Now you take cats. All you need is a litter box and that's it. Now that monkey, he made all over my new couch. He made all over my floor. You'd come through my door and find yourself up to your buns in ...
- Peggy Becker: Broccoli?
Dwarf in a Helium Hat
[edit]South by Southeast
[edit]- Answering Machine: Billy Skelly at EyeCo. Like to interest you in some new private detection equipment, including the 448 Telephonic Bug. We'll demonstrate it in a friend's home for one full week no charge.
- Jim: I don't have superiors. I have few peers and no superiors.
The Competitive Edge
[edit]- Answering Machine: Okay Jimbo, Dennis. I know you're in there and I know you know it's ticket season again; Policemen's Ball and all that. So come to the door when I knock this time. I know you're in there!
The Prisoner of Rosemont Hall
[edit]- Answering Machine: That number four you just picked up from Angelo's Pizzeria? Some scouring powder fell on there; don't eat it! Hey, I hope you try your phone machine before dinner...
The House on Willis Avenue (1)
[edit]- Richie Brockelman: Look, this guy actually lives in a trailer.
- Jim: [indignant] Well what does that mean?
- Richie Brockelman: Well, it just seems to me that living in a trailer is at the bottom.
- Jim: I live in a trailer!
- Richie Brockelman: Well, you know, not exactly the bottom, more like the middle. And of course, depending on what kind of trailer, it could be the upper middle. For instance I saw one in a magazine a couple of months ago. It could expand out into a two thousand foot home. Now a guy living in a place like that has the world by the...
- Jim: Save yourself, son, it's not important.
- Richie Brockelman: You know, I've been thinking, Mr. Rockford, that if you want my opinion, we may be barking up the wrong tree.
- Jim: [nursing his shot gun wound] We're sure getting some strong feedback from the wrong tree.
The House on Willis Avenue (2)
[edit]- [Jim breaks into Tooley's office the second time and is caught by BJ and Smithy]
- BJ: Where's Brockelman?
- Jim: Oh, its not my turn to watch him.
- BJ: I can see you're gonna keep us in stitches.
Season 5
[edit]Heartaches of a Fool
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Say, I'm the one who hit your car at Ford City. I've got no insurance; I'm broke, but I really want you to know how sorry I am. If it makes you feel any better, I hurt my arm!
- Charlie Strayhorn: Now when I get up in the morning, I heard Ol' Uncle Willy's skillet cracklin' in there. I know he's cooking up some of this good Cripple Creek country sausage or bacon, boy it just gets my mouth-a-waterin' and starts my day off right. Now remember when you're in the market for Charlie Strayhorn's Cripple Creek Sausage or breakfast meat, then you're gonna rustle up your own good ol' country breakfast!
- Jim: Who? Clement? Oh sure. Yeah, he's got more lines than a telephone company!
- Jim: How do you like that? Your Cripple Creek sausages are being distributed by a Chinese noodle company. That oughta knock the old down home country image right in the head.
Rosendahl and Gilda Stern Are Dead
[edit]- [Jim is picking a lock]
- Rita: What are you doing? That's illegal!
- Jim: Rita, on my best day I'm borderline.
- Jim: Speaking of money, Rita, you never really did explain what happened to the money Maggie left you.
- Rita: Oh yeah, well I'm not going to say that I should've known better, right? You're not going to give me the static? And I'm not going to hear about it from you for the rest of my life... it was this guy...
- Jim: Rita...
- Rita: Yeah, but, Jim, I had such a good time spending it!
- Jim: How could you spend $300,000.00?
- Rita: Boy, you never give up! You know that? You think I know where the money went? I know where the money went.
- Jim: Where?
- Rita: All right! [she starts counting off her fingers] The new apartment. The furniture. The microwave. I told you about my friend Monica's teeth? I mean somebody had to do something about her teeth!
- Jim: Whadja do? Have them gold-plated and set with her birthstone?
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Hello? You the guy who lost a wallet in the Park Theater? Well I'm kinda, like, into leather, so I'll be returning the money, but I'm going to keep the wallet.
- Rita: What about that salesman, whatever he is?
- Jim: No, no, no, I think you're right about him. I think he is a salesman, and he's sweating. Which means he knows what's going on. Now if we could just find him...
- Rita: How? We don't even know what he does.
- Jim: He's carrying a hip joint around in his brief case. There's got to be distributors, manufacturer, reps for prosthetic devices. How many of those can there be in L.A.?
- Rita: Want me to tell you?
The Jersey Bounce
[edit]- Jim: [looks at the hostile young punks around him] You wanta have a go, huh, so that all of you can jump me? Is that whatcha want? Nah, I gotta better idea. We will dance... one at a time.
- Eugene Conigliaro: You threatenin' us?
- Jim: Am I ever...
- Eugene Conigliaro: You don't frighten me.
- Jim: Oh, yes I do... you keep listening to that little voice way down inside you, Eugene. The one that keeps screaming 'bounce back to Jersey'.
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Angel: [beeep] Jimmy? Angel. Here's a tip but his handwriting's bad. Third Son in the fifth race at Belle Meadows. Wait a minute, could be Fifth Son in the third. Wait... this... might... be... next week's race.
- Jim: Whatever it was that got you disbarred, were you right?
- John Cooper: Maybe you noticed the question of right and wrong is not within the purview of the law. Only the question of legal and illegal.
- Jim: Yeah, that seems strange.
- John Cooper: Don't it!
- Eugene Conigliaro: Hey, you wanna do the number? Cuz I'm ready! C'mon! C'mon!
- Jim: [sneers] How about that. Harry Misanthrope.
- Eugene Conigliaro: [ignorant of Shakespeare] Are you by any chance referrin' to anybody who's present here in the festivity?
- Jim: Coop, I'd make book that they did it just to make points with Nodzak. Can ya believe it? These geniuses commit a murder on spec!
- John Cooper: [sighs] Abbott and Costello meet The Godfather. Pathetic.
White on White and Nearly Perfect
[edit]- Lance White: No, I promise to stay out of the way this time. You've got the job, the one being paid. I'm just here as a friend.
- Angela: [in complete adoration] I think it's wonderful that Lance cares for others. It's why everyone loves him.
- Jim: Yeah, well we got snarled up in a case in August. I ended up doing ninety days on a county honor farm.
- Lance White: Well, I'm sorry about that Jim. I had my clients' interest to protect, and you did break into that hotel room.
- Jim: What client? Who were you working for? Nobody ever seemed to know.
- Lance White: Well, that was kind of a strange one. Those three little boys hired me.
- Jim: The triplets? They were only eight years old!
- Lance White: [humbly] Yeah well, when their folks were killed by the Mob I took them in. Finally I made arrangements for them to live on a friend's farm in Vermont.
- Jim: [sarcastically] Oh, isn't that nice, a happy ending; all of us got to go to a farm!
- Jim: [Referring to an unsolicited tip just received] It hasn't occurred to you this is a trap?
- Lance White: [laughing] A trap? C'mon Jim, I doubt that.
- Jim: I can't explain why you're still walkin' around. It's not gonna last long. You're naive, Lance, you really are! Ya hafta be cynical, you have to question things. You can't take someone named "Belle LaBelle" on face value! What's her angle, huh? Who's payroll is she on? You find out the answers to those things and then you start moving fast and crooked. You go through door sideways and low, at odd angles. You look for the Big Lie. Question everything!
- Lance White: I'm going up to Lake Malibu. Why don't you come with me?
- Jim: [Appealing to heaven] They'll kill 'im!
- Belle Labelle: Are you the Lance White who saved Mr. Hillman's life a long, long time ago when the Mob was moving in at the club and threatening his wife and four grandchildren?
- Lance: [modestly] Let's just say it's closer than I like to come.
- Jim: [unimpressed] Isn't it about time for an intermission? I'm out of popcorn!
- Armand Teasdale: [in slight awe] I'm a good judge of people; that is a fine young man with a remarkable character.
- Jim: Oh, no doubt about it. Lance is perfect. It's his only flaw.
- Armand Teasdale: Well, what do you think of him, son?
- Jim: Oh, Lance? Well I, I guess you could say when they were passing out raincoats, he got a beauty.
- Armand Teasdale: Well I uh, I suppose it does seem a bit unfair to you. After all, you were the one who risked your life to save Veronica. Lance ends up with the girl and, I suppose, everything else... . And I think it's only fitting that uh, you should profit in some additional way beyond the bonus. After all, you're the real hero.
- Jim: Well, that really isn't necessary, sir...
- Armand Teasdale: [Cuts Jim off] Fine, fine, just thought I'd offer. Nice seeing you.
Kill the Messenger
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Chet: [beeep] Jim? Chet returning your call. Sorry I missed you, but I appreciate you calling back. If you call again and I'm not in just leave your message and I'll get back to YOU!
- Peggy Becker: [announcing Dennis' promotion] Has everyone got a glass? Now we are going to have a toast. Okay, are you ready? To my husband Lieutenant Becker.
- [reaction of delight from everyone]
- Dennis Becker: That's right, and Deputy Town called me and said that's it!
- Jim: Great! That's really great! Lieutenant! I told you Rocky, I told everybody he was going to do it. A Lieutenant, that's great!
- Dennis: There's only one problem: Lieutenant Chapman, from here on out, I gotta call him Doug.
- [everyone laughs]
A Good Clean Bust with Sequel Rights
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Jim, I have to thank you for talking over my problems with me last Tuesday night; I love you for it. But can you have lunch tomorrow and talk about the divorce? I'm real bummed out.
- Jeff Seales: As you know, the Falcone legend has been told many different ways... this last time it was by his former partner Walt Wexler, and unfortunately the toys and the man are closely identified.
- Bob Parsons: There's a complete line of police toys under his name.
- Jim: Oh, and I'm supposed to keep the name and the legend clean?
- Jeff Seales: Yes! If you could low profile Falcone just until we get the toy line launched, nothing more...
- Bob Parsons: Just your being with him will have a calming effect! Just like a... a steer with a fighting bull.
- Jeff Seales: That could be the worst analogy I've ever heard...
- Bob Parsons: Jim knows what I mean, don't you Jim?
- [Jim gives an uncomfortable smile and nods his head]
- Rocky: [Rocky's on the couch in Jim's trailer as Falcone is starting] Come on, come on, come on!
- Jim: I'll be right there!
- TV Falcone: [Aiming his gun at the unseen villain] Freeze, turkey!
- Rocky: [Rocky smiles, and yells] There! [claps his hands with glee] There!
- Jim: [sitting down] Oh, oh, I'm sorry...
- Rocky: Anyway, that's the part that I really like. Ain't that something - the way he says 'Freeze, turkey', all, real loud, like that? 'Freeze, turkey!'
- Concerned mother: [At the toy convention]] We represent the Anti-Violence Ambiance Association. We are against you, and all your toys, your TV image...
- Frank Falcone: [cuts them off] I don't care what you think. Kids are my big concern.
- Concerned mother: We all have children, Mr. Falcone.
- Frank Falcone: Oh yeah? Well, who's watching them, lady? It's uh... what, what time you got there? Oh yeah. They should be out of school. I mean, you're down here, at the convention hall, doing your 'concerned parent' number, and who's taking care of them?
- Concerned mother: We're addressing ourselves to larger issues...
- Frank Falcone: Wha-what's larger than what's happening to your kids? Huh? What are they eating? Huh? What are they putting into their mouths while you're working yours, huh?
- [Jeff tries to stop Frank, and Frank ignores him]
- Frank Falcone: Where are they - right now - right this minute? Can you tell me that, lady? Huh? Y-you-know-what's on afternoon reruns? 'Godzappa Eats Wolfman'. You think that's good for children? You think they're not gonna watch... who's home to tell them 'no'? My show's on at 10pm. They should be in bed by 10pm!
- Concerned mother: Your toys...
- Jeff Seales: [Interjects, nervously smiling] Our toys have a... a psychological counter... vI-violent quality, I'd like to point out to you... [steers them away from Frank] Now, if you just, uh, follow me, ladies, I Would like to explain to you this, uh, psychological design.
- Frank Falcone: You see, Jimmy, what we got here is a couple of inner-city nitwits. They're too stupid for the parks, and the pigeons are beating them out of their breadcrumbs, so they snuck up here to have some beer and belch, and burp.
A Three-Day Affair With a Thirty-Day Escrow
[edit]- Jim: That's why I don't involve myself in domestic cases; there's always a lady in a sheet around somewhere!
- Jim: Sean, you know what? I'm going to do something I've never done before. Usually I like to talk to a guy first. But with you, I'm gonna rap ya' right in the mouth.
- Cy Margulies: What are your first impressions of the place? I mean, are the juices right? Because before we go inside and... and waste everybody's time on details, I think we should all know if we're in the ballpark.
- Jim: [undercover as a representative of a famous real estate client] Well, the inside of the house is not a detail? Well, let me see, I think I'd say we're in the ballpark. It's large enough to allow for a security staff, and the two children want California, especially Caroline...
- Cy Margulies: [grabs Jim by the arm] Mr. Lamont, let's speak frankly. Are we talking about here about Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis?
- Jim: Now I didn't say that, and you'd do well not to repeat anything you've heard here today.
- Cy Margulies: [barely able to hide his glee] Oh, absolutely!
- Jim: It's like you said... you've dealt with the very, very famous. It's no big deal.
- Cy Margulies: Absolutely! I don't think I'd be speaking out of school if I said to you that those names I mentioned before [Charo, Cher, Ringo, Barbra] are just... chicken liver! [laughs] What is show business fame? Get it! I mean, I know that you, I mean she, could trust me implicitly and absolutely!
- Jim: Oh, absolutely...!
- Sean Innes: About Miriam... you know... it was pure physical depletion that caused that problem she was talking about. That's never happened to me before... probably'll never happen again! Truth is, I've been battling this insidious case of mononucleosis these past weeks. I should see my doctor.
- Jim: Yeah, well, when illness interferes with your work you should. I've seen that notebook you have. How many broads with money do you have on the hook exactly?
- Sean Innes: You make it sound mechanical. I have some basic human needs. Caring. Affection. Oh, I do feel sick...
- Jim: Would you like a second opinion? Fear is what causes that lack of steam. It's hard to get excited about old Miriam when you keep picturing yourself hanging upside down while some Arab's picking your teeth.
- Sean Innes: Emotions never affect my performance.
- Jim: [grins] Real trooper, huh?
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Alice: [beeep] Rockford? [sighs] Alice, Phil's Plumbing. We're still jammed up on a job, so we won't be able to make your place... use the bathroom at the restaurant one more night.
The Empty Frame
[edit]- Angel: Aaron, when it's in the immediate family it's not called blackmail, it's called family spirit!
- Angel: What I am tryin' to demonstrate to you is what true influence is worth. I'm not talkin' small time, I'm talkin' the big bag job in the sky!
- [Jim rolls his eyes]
- Angel: Anytime Chapman starts to bother you or any of your friends, you call Angel Martin. I'll have him crated and shipped to the apple orchard indefinitely, for which I'll pick up a little money or favor from...
- Jim: Well, that could be dangerous, Angel. That's what's called influence peddling!
- Angel: Peddling? I ain't a peddler. A peddler is a guy who stands on a corner and eats exhaust fumes!
- Aaron Kiel: [drags his brother-in-law into a private room, both men missing their pants] I want the addresses of the three people who held up this party, and I want them now!
- Angel: What! You think I set this up?
- Aaron Kiel: Look, you just put down their names, I'll do my best to help you with the police! Write down their names! [he slaps a pad and pen down in front of Angel] Now write down their names! I wanna a name and I want it now!
- Angel: You wanna name?
- Aaron Kiel: I wanna name!
- Angel: All righty, I'm gonna give you a name. [he picks up the pen] C! That's for the community property that you'll be spliting. Y! That's for the youngish looks she has. N! That's for the nights you spent in Newport. T! That's for the telling of the wife. H...!
- Aaron Kiel: [looking uneasy] Look, knock it off.
- Angel: ...That's for the home you're gonna lose in Bel Air. I is for the interest for my silence, and A is for the alimony you gonna be stuck with. You wanna name, Aaron? There's a name for you. Cynthia. Anyway you spell it, it means trouble!
- Jim: What's Chapman doing working the door?
- Angel: Chapman and a couple of other off-duty cops are here acting as security cuz there's a lot of important people. We've got four police commissioners, we've got a deputy mayor, we've got two deputy police chiefs. Thing is bigger than Cher's birthday.
- Angel: Well, I got this friend of mine. He's a fence, Cat-eye Wilson. He met with those boys of yours, alright. Said he wouldn't trust them to float ice cream in a root beer.
Black Mirror
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Friend: [beeep and caller talks very quickly] Jim, I leave London four o'clock, arrive in L.A. at nine, I guess that's London time, yep, four to five is nine, minus twelve hours flying... no plus twelve hours, ah but then there's a time change...
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Jake: [beeep] Rockford? Jake at the Sand Pebble. Sorry old buddy, but there have been gun shots around your place once too often. The neighborhood association wants to have a talk with you.
- Jim: O.K., what's the problem? It's a simple phone call, I'd do it myself, but he'd recognize my voice.
- Angel: What's the real deal here? Who are the big fish about to be fried?
- Jim: What are you babbling about?
- Angel: I just got here. But you know ole Angel, I can always smell the grand green. You can start by telling little Margaritte she can drop the blind act. I ain't gonna snitch on her.
- Jim: [Incredulously] What is the matter with you? She IS blind! She had an accident 10 years ago! Now you get...
- Angel: [laughing] Jimmy, Jimmy. I know the moves. I know how it's done, son. I did two months as Blind Lemon Martin on Market St. up in 'Frisco. Dobro guitar and harmonica rack, sad-like and miserable, you know how bad I play. But I did 1500 bucks worth of quarters in a month. [whispers intently] The sympathy factor!
- Jim: If we could see a pictorial representation of your mind it would look like a fire drill in a state asylum.
- Angel: Yea, well anyway I know she's a classy lady, got a body by Pininfarina and all that. Now I know it ain't no low-grade scam like mine. So what is it? Is she fronting for some charity? She goes around to all the big corporations and you come along as the packager of the telethon? I love it. LOVVVVE IT! Let me in on it, Jimmy. I can be the research doctor, take a painless 2%.
- Jim: You'll get in for what I give you. [He shoves him through door] Get in there!
- Jim: Instead of death row you're gonna get a trip to the lollipop factory... . He's gonna let the police catch him and then do the old 'where am I' bit. Any court in the country will stamp him as a ranking banana and send him off on a Valium holiday.
A Fast Count
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Friend: [beeep] Jim, you give Peg the two hundred for the painting, she owes me seventy and I owe you forty-six for the Christmas trees. Harry still out sixty for the dinner, but at least it'll void that check.
- Ruth Beetson-White: Jim, listen. I know you didn't get the best deal out of this. Well, I tell you what, if money's your problem I think I may have a solution. First, I want to thank you for saving my life, and I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a way to express my gratitude, and I finally did.
- [she lifts her hand from where it's been resting on his shoulder and begins to play with the hair above the nape of his neck]
- Jim: [smiles] You don't really have to do anything, I mean...
- Ruth Beetson-White: Oh, yes, I do. As you may know, I'm always on the lookout for a good man.
- Jim: I've heard it said...
- Ruth Beetson-White: And now that I'm going to be devoting full attention to the fight business, the dealer management job's wide open; I'd bet you'd look terrific in a red blazer...
- Jim: Not a chance.
- Ruth Beetson-White: Baby, come on! Think of it! You know, you could do the Spanish speaking commercial. You'd become a celebrity!
- Jim: I'm sorry, but I don't tap dance.
- Ruth Beetson-White: At least have dinner with me, huh? We could go to my place...
- Jim: I'm sorry, Ruth, but I'm a little old-fashioned, you know. I, uh, I like to open the doors and light the cigarettes and make the passes.
- Ruth Beetson-White: [she takes her hand away] A-a-a-h, you're right! I'm sorry! There I go, again! I'm sorry, really...
- Jim: [smiles again] Ah, it's okay...
- Ruth Beetson-White: [puts her arm around his shoulders] We'll go to your place.
Local Man Eaten by Newspaper
[edit]- Jim: [looking up at the seven-foot-tall goon next to him] Klaatu barada nikto!
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Rocky: [beeep] Sonny, this message ain't for you, it's for me. I just wanna remind myself to pick up the big ladder at the paint mart.
With the French Heel Back, Can the Nehru Jacket Be Far Behind?
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- John Cooper: [beeep] Jim, Coop. I'm at that address you wrote down for that poker game tonight. This is a gas station, it's closed, there's no one around and now my car is stalled! You gotta call me at four-six-six... [click]
- Masters: [examining Rockford's business card] Private detective - now there's a really creepy occupation.
- Jim: Well, we can't all be fortunate enough to sell old French paratrooper pants to fashion-conscious Middle America.
- Masters: Don't knock what sells, buddy.
- Jim: Is there a chance that Berucci's in trouble with loan sharks?
- Masters: Loan sharks? - don't be ridiculous.
- Jim: Well, I know they're very active in the garment center - there are a lot of high-risk businesses. You know, they have very direct ways of protecting investments.
- Masters: We're talking about haute couture, not some sleazy ready-to-wear manufacturer.
- Jim: Well, there's an expression - no matter how you cut it, it's still the rag business.
- Jim: [as Alta sets soup and crackers before him] What's that?
- Alta Hatch: Dinner - I'll get mine.
- Jim: Oh, well, that'll be a real energy boost - I'll just wolf this right down and go out and stop a freight train.
- Alta Hatch: That, my dear sir, is a fashion model's feast. Go easy on the Wheat Thins.
- Jim: That's gastronomically impossible.
- Alta Hatch: Well, a real fashion model would have had saltless crackers - but what the hell - let's splurge.
The Battle-Ax and the Exploding Cigar
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Miss Holroyd: Miss Holroyd, City Federal. Your lost check still hasn't arrived. It's impossible for us to lose checks, so unless we receive full payment by noon today we'll foreclose.
- Jim: This is the federal government, huh? Now I know why my old man got a hundred and eleven Medicare cards sent to him. Not one of them had his name on it!
Guilt
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Angel: [beeep] Jimmy! Angel! Listen, Eddie Talavora just give me a hot tip on a class filly in the eighth out at Holly Park. Only problem is I need a twenty!
- Jim: [referring to tips given by Angel] The last horse he gave me could've used a skateboard!
- Cynthia Germaine: [while kicking suitcases] Normally I never lift anything heavier than a coke spoon.
The Deuce
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Receptionist: [beeep] Mr. Rockford, Arthur's Hi-Fi. Your stereo's ready, but since your warranty expired in the two months it was in our shop, you'll have to pay the sixty dollars on the repair.
- Jim: [to thug who had just denied a woman Rockford was looking for was in his car] Either she was in this car, or you both wear the same perfume, Mary.
The Man Who Saw the Alligators
[edit]- Jim: [at Rocky's house sifting through shoe boxes full of Jim's receipts] Look Angel, I've got problems of my own. I've got a tax mess here that's so bad I'm gonna have to spend three days up at Adriana's place at Arrow Head just trying to sort it out... how are you doing for April and May, Dad?
- Adrianna Danielli: Jim I hope you don't mind my saying, but I think this is symptomatic of the whole problem! Why are these receipts stored here in the first place?
- Jim: Well, do you wanna try living in a house trailer and running a business out of it too?
- Adrianna Danielli: Which you can't claim, by the way.
- Rocky: Alice Faye... I'm thinking of all them pictures and records I collected back in the 40s. That's it! Alice Faye! [runs off]
- Jim: Alice Faye...? April and May...?
- Angel: Jimmy! Open up! [Bangs on door]
- Jim: [Frustrated] Angel, if you're up here about Buster Hutchins and his roadway church...
- Angel: No, no,no. It's bad, Jimmy, it's bad. It's like a nightmare. I've been through living hell. I was at your trailer, y'know, these two guys...
- Jim: No, I don't know! Why were you in my trailer?
- Angel: I was returning your movie camera, y'know Rocky gave me the key and I was cleaning the lens off when these two guys walk in - Jimmy, one of them looked like a cross between George Hamilton and Dracula. I told him: Buddy, take it out in the street...
- Jim: You told them where I was, didn't you, Angel!
- Angel: Yea, but I tried to hang tough Jimmy, but they worked me over for a couple of hours, they even shocked me with a 110-volt line!
- Jim: Yea right! How long did you hold out? Did you make 15 seconds?
- Angel: Jimmy!
- Jim: Angel, the only reason you came up here is because you know that if I somehow make it out of here alive, I would come after you with a sickle!
- Angel: That's the thanks I get for my loyalty? After risking my neck? After driving through the worst terrain in southern California, with a severe head wound, and a gas station attendant that hardly knew where the cabin was?
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Mr. Rockford, you know what to do if you attacked and killed? Ask for Albert Kimsi at grand opening of Happy Dawn School of Secret Arts. Win three lessons!
- Anthony Gagglio: What is it? What is it? I'll tell you what it is. Guys like you, you're are all over the place, eating your stinkin' cheeseburgers, cloggin' up the streets on your stupid, lousy Sunday drives. Football players, milk drinkers, funny boys. Guys like you, Rockford, and guys like me, we can't live here together. You make this planet a toilet for me to live in.
- Mrs. Gagglio: Oh, now what do you want on the sandwich?
- Anthony Gagglio: I don't want to hear no more about sandwiches, peppers, and eating! That's all this family is - it's one big, gigantic digestive tract. It's like an obsession.
The Return of the Black Shadow
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Florence Boyle: [beep] Jim, this is Florence Boyle. You worked for my husband last month in Glendale. You were so helpful then, and, well, I have a problem of my own I'd like to discuss... confidentially of course...
A Material Difference
[edit]- Jim: [grabs Angel by the collar] Angel, you're driving me crazy, you understand? I'm going crazy and I can't take it anymore!
- Angel: Jimmy...
- Jim: Years and years and years! I'm going out of my mind! Your stu-pid, ri-diculous lies and ideas and games year after year!
- Angel: [croaks] ... give me my windpipe...
- Jim: [lets go, looks at his hands; they're shaking] Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! [collapses against fence in hopelessness]
- Angel: [timidly] Jimmy...
- Jim: Just don't say anything! Just don't-say-anything!
- Angel: Hey Jimmy...
- Jim: What?
- Angel: I'm sorry...
- [Jim raises his head and looks at him in disbelief]
- Angel: Stick of gum?
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Joe Myers: [beeep] Jim, Joe Myers of Crowell, Finch and Merriweather. We're going to court tomorrow on that Penrose fraud case, but the steno misplaced your two-hundred-page deposition. Could you come down tonight and give it again?
- Jim: [Jim and Angel are trying to figure out why all these people are after them, killed Kramer, and didn't take Rocky's Bronkbuster jeans] Or, no, maybe... maybe it's because they already knew everything about them.
- Angel: Huh?
- Jim: Ah.
- Angel: What?
- Jim: [Takes a bite of his taco] Mmm-hmm...
- [Jim chews, smiles, and winks at Angel]
Never Send a Boy King to Do a Man's Job
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Miss Collins: [beeep] Mr. Rockford, Miss Collins for the Bureau of Licenses. We got your renewal for the extended deadline, but not your check. I'm sorry, but at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
- Rocky: [rummaging around in the stuff in the back of the truck that's going to the Goodwill] If you don't help that boy's daddy, I'm gonna be mad at you!
- Jim: Yeah, well life's full of bitter disappointments, Dad! I have a question for you. What are you doing poking around in there again?
- Rocky: Well, I gotta question for you too! Where did this toaster come from?
- Jim: [becomes sheepish] That toaster...? Oh... that's the one you gave me for Christmas...
- Rocky: [indignant] Yeah! Thirty-four dollars and seventy-five cents!
- [miffed he marches back to the trailer with the toaster]
- Jim: [defensively] Well it got in by mistake! How was... well, I can't... those things happen!
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Denny: Jim, Denny from Denny's Pest Blasters. Got a great deal for ya. We'll rub out your rodents at a tremendously low cost, so call us. We're in the Yellow Pages and we mean business.
- Harold Jack Coombs: [to Richie, while strong-arming him] I could buy you every pot the Hittites ever made; and the potholders to go with them.
A Different Drummer
[edit]- Jim: Does he have any other relatives around here?
- Lucy: No
- Jim: Oh!
- Lucy: Maybe you could leave your name and address.
- Jim: Then you expect to hear from him?
- Lucy: No.
- Rocky: You know, they can get spare parts for trucks. But people? There ain't no spare parts for people!
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Female Caller: Jim, this is Andrea Todd's Food Mart. Listen, there's a guy down here by the name of Angel Martin who's charged one hundred and ten dollar's worth of groceries to your account. Is that okay with you?
- Sorel Henderson: [Jim, Rocky, and Sorel are walking on the pier. Rocky is still upset that he was told that he is too old to be an organ donor] Now that I'm out of a job, maybe I'll get into something really challenging.
- Jim: Yeah? Like what?
- Sorel Henderson: I always wanted to be an "astro-nom-omer".
- Jim: Naw, that's pronounced "a-stron-o-mer".
- Sorel Henderson: Oh, well. Same job, no matter what. Looking at stars and wondering if there are other types of life out there.
- Rocky: I got me a liver as good as any in the country!
- Jim: Sorel wants to be an astronomer, Dad. Isn't that great?
- Rocky: I'd like to see that Dr. Bosco, whatever his name, I'd like to see his kidneys! I bet they ain't any better than mine! Some things improve with age!
- Sorel Henderson: I wonder if there's life out on those stars like Mars.
- Jim: Mars is a planet, not a star.
- Rocky: My heart! My heart's been beating once a second for almost 70 years! You can't knock that!
- Sorel Henderson: [She points to flying sea gulls] Oh! Pelicans! Look, pelicans!
- Jim: [Jim and Rocky look at each other bemusedly] Look, Dad! Pelicans!
Season 6
[edit]Paradise Cove
[edit]- Answering MAchine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you
- Cal: [Beeep] Jim, this is Cal from the Leave the Whales Alone club. Our protest cruise leaves from the pier Saturday 3pm; the whales need you, Jim!
- Jim: Hello?
- Cliff Calloway: Rockford?
- Jim Rockford: Yea.
- Cliff Calloway: We gotta to talk. I'll be parked under the bridge next to the highway at lights out in a hour. Come alone.
- Jim Rockford: Where do you get that stuff, the Late Show? I'll see you at the Sand Castle in ten minutes.
- Jim: [in the Paradise Cove men's room] You know what they used to call your uncle back then? Old 'come with the cash' Calloway.
- Cliff Calloway: [Chewing gum and trying a 'tough-guy' posture] Hey. I ain't afraid of you mister.
- Jim: Now, what has that got to do with anything?
- Cliff Calloway: You go messin' our deal, here, I might have to [dramatic pause] grind up your sombrero.
- Jim: [to C.C] He's a little short on smarts, isn't he?
- Angel: Good idea, Jim, except I thought you oughta know that if you try to take off with my share of the treasure, I'll take old Joe here as a hostage.
- Rocky: [shakes his cane at him] Now you just try and old Joe will stove your head in!
- Angel: [trying to sound menacing] Hey, buckaroo, I don't let nobody outta my sight. This is the big one! This is the big score! I don't sleep. I sit on my blanket with my gun on my lap and I keep an eye on you all night long...
- Jim: [unimpressed, he looks at Althea Morgan] Yeah, Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Humphrey Bogart, Walter Huston, Tim Holt; terrific ending. Almost everybody ate a bullet!
Lions, Tigers, Monkeys and Dogs
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Betty Farnell: [Beeep] This is Betty Farnell. I don't know who to call, but I can't reach my foodaholics partner! I'm at Vito's on my second pizza with sausages and mushrooms; Jim come and get me!
- Angel: Sucker bets! Would I bring you sucker bets?
- Jim: You'd bring me a dead rat in your teeth if you thought there was twenty bucks in it for you!
- Rocky: You're gonna see a real princess... dressed like that?
- Jim: Well sure Dad, I don't have much choice. My satin knee britches and barouche are still at the cleaners.
- Answrring Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Janelle: [Beeep] Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight so I can't make our date, and I've got to find a safe place for Danny. He loves you Jim! It's only two days and you'll see, Great Danes are no problem...
- Jim: You said you wanted to see me, Dennis?
- [Angel waves at Rockford]
- Jim: Did you call me in because of him? I'm in the middle of a murder investigation.
- Dennis Becker: And I'm right in the middle of my night off. Your friend Mr. Martin here thought you might be able to shed some light on how he happens to be housing eight Shetland ponies in a residential garage.
- Angel: Jimmy, they got everybody including the Humane Society on my case. It's a three-car garage, there's plenty of room, I even left a light on.
- Jim: I don't have time for this, Angel. Kendall was almost killed tonight, Princess Rachevsky is on her way down here to the station.
- Angel: You haven't got time for this? It's because of your princess and you I got into this mess.
- Jim: No, no, Angel, you got yourself into it. You always do.
- Angel: That's it? That's your statement on my behalf?
- Jim: That's it.
- [Turns around and leaves]
- Angel: Look, look, Dennis... uh, Lieutenant...
- Dennis Becker: This is Robbery/Homicide. Let's move it down to Bunco.
- Angel: Bunco? Why, because I'm unfamiliar with your zoning laws?
- Dennis Becker: Because besides finding the eight ponies, we found a forged British passport and a letter of recommendation from Queen Elizabeth! Let's go, Duke!
Only Rock 'n Roll Will Never Die: Part 1
[edit]- Jim: If you don't know what holds the moon in space, then a lovesick fool is all you'll ever be.
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Pals of Jim: [Beeep and drunken men begin to sing] We're down at Hennessey's Bar, Jim, having a drink or two. You better get down here quick, Jim, or we'll come and sing up your flue! Ha ha ha...
- Whitney Cox: You see, it's my thesis that the macho man of action cowboy-as-sex symbol is not only over but history. When you take Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart, even John Travolta, they've all proven that. It's my feeling that Tim Richie is the most sensual man of his time; the sexual bellwether and prototype of everything you're going to see as we leave the '70s behind us.
- Jim: Yeah, really, yeah, yeah. My dad and I were gabbing about that just the other night.
- Lindy Jones: And so, an unsettling day for Tim Richie. Pop legend, one-time gyrating lead vocalist for the now-defunct super group, The Suspects. Now an enduring solo rock powerhouse. A man who's been called everything from the primo white blues vocalist in the world to the original bad boy. Today, no smashing of amplifiers, no mascara and rouge. Today, only a man pondering the fifteen-million-dollar price tag of love.
Only Rock 'n Roll Will Never Die: Part 2
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message. I'll get back to you.
- Dora: [Beeep] Jimmy, this is Dora. Gonna move in with the kids, but I'll sure miss you, dear. Thank you for taking out the garbage every week. I'll send you a card for your birthday.
Love Is the Word
[edit]- Jim: [concerned, goes to the side of young man who has been shot in the foot during a struggle] Hey, Randy?
- Randy Smith: My shoe, man, what's wrong with it?
- Jim: [gets up and walks away in disgust] Downers...!
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Marie: [beeep] This is Marie at Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client Todd Leeman skipped, and his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '79 Firebird, I believe. Sorry, Jim. Bring it on over.
- Megan K. Dougherty: Love is the word they keep you from grappling too hard with.
- Jim: I do love you.
Nice Guys Finish Dead
[edit]- Jim: Freddy, lemme tell ya somethin', Freddy. There's one thing you never do: you never say "put 'em up." You smile at the guy, then sucker-punch him.
- Lance White: Maybe we should forget about lunch and follow up a lead or something?
- Jim: Which lead did you have in mind, Lance?
- Lance White: We don't have one, Jim.
- Jim: [laughing] Then I guess it would be hard to follow up then, huh?
- Lance White: C'mon, you and I both know that when you need a lead one always shows up. That's the way it works.
- Jim: [Frustrated] No, it never just shows up, Lance. Never. Watch my lips: NEV - VER.
- Freddie Beamer: Hey guys, look at this.
- [He gives Rockford a picture]
- Jim: What's that?
- Freddie Beamer: I found this last night with the Senator. It was in his hand.
- Jim: [Disbelievingly] Sure it was.
- Freddie Beamer: Yeah, I put it in my pocket and forgot about it.
- Lance White: This could be the lead we've been waiting for, Jim.
- Jim: Wait, wait, wait a minute, let me get this straight.; ten seconds ago we had no leads - nothing, huh?
- Lance White: That's right.
- Jim: And now Beamer pulls this picture of a band leader or something out of his pocket and says it was in the dead man's hand, and then he tells us it's been in his coat for 18 hours, and it shows up right now when we need it?
- Lance White: That's exactly right, Jim. What's the problem?
- Jim: Oh, no problem. No, no problem at all. I just want to get it straight. I may want to tell an analyst.
- [Turns and walks away]
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Frank: [beeep] Jim, Frank. I put a new outlet in the kitchen. I lay in the cable and the box, then I pulled the breaker, just like you said, and both of my TV sets start burning. What do I do now?
- Jim: A state senator and a bus driver? What's the connection?
- Lance White: Some things you just have to accept. You know, this is just a hunch, Jim, but I think the bus driver had something on the senator. Maybe the senator was having an affair with the bus driver's wife?
- Jim: And just where did that come from?
- Lance White: Hunches don't come from any place, Jim, they're just hunches. That's how we solve our cases. We get hunches, they turn out to be right, and the case gets solved. Gee, I don't know how you survive as a private investigator, Jim. You don't seem to know any of this stuff.
- Lance White: When you look at the sun and the stars, the majesty of the firmament, well, our little problems seem very insignificant. And when you add to that the fact that you have friends, *good* friends, friends who want to help you, well, this old world just seems a whole lot better, doesn't it, Fred?
- Freddie Beamer: Dontcha think you ought to load that gat in case we gotta smoke a bad guy or somethin'?
The Hawaiian Headache
[edit]- Jim: [on the telephone] Guess where I am now.
- Det. Dennis Becker: At the bar?
- Jim: Close - they got a lot of bars in here. You wanna try again?
- Det. Dennis Becker: In jail?
- Jim: Yeah, that's right!
- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Ofc. Billings: [beeeep] Billings, L.A.P.D. You know, Thursday is Chapman's twentieth year, and we're giving a little surprise party at the captain's. I think you should come. By the way, we need five bucks for the present.
- Col. John 'Howling Mad' Smith: This ended better than a grenade in a wedding cake!
- Jim: Say, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry Whipple got iced.
- Col. John 'Howling Mad' Smith: Hey, he was a soldier doing a soldier's job and he ended up with his dog tags in his boot like a half million other soldiers. I only hope when I get mine it's in the line of duty.
- Jim: Yeah, that's what I'm hoping for too. I mean, who wants to go out looking at a vase of roses when you can get your head blown off in an alley?
No Fault Affair
[edit]- Answering machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeeep] Oh, I thought this was Dial-a-Joke. I'm going to a party, and I need some ice-breakers. But, uh, I guess that's that!
The Big Cheese
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] This is The Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Okay - meet me at 1:00 AM behind the bus depot, bring $500, and come alone. I'm serious!
Just a Coupla Guys
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone, leave your name and message. I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Jo Withers. I got four shirts of yours from the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's shirts but they're going back!
Deadlock in Parma
[edit]- Answering Machine: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
- Caller: [beeep] Because the way you live says so much about you, your home has been selected by Royal Imperial Roofing and Siding as our neighborhood showcase. A bonded representative will call on you.
- Perry: I'll take care of it, Mr. Gersh
- Henry Gersh: Like your life depended on it.
Cast
[edit]- James Garner - Jim Rockford
- Noah Beery, Jr. - Joseph "Rocky" Rockford
- Joe Santos - Sergeant Dennis Becker
- Stuart Margolin - Evelyn "Angel" Martin
- Gretchen Corbett - Elizabeth "Beth" Davenport
- James Luisi - Lieutenant Douglas J. "Doug" Chapman
- Tom Atkins - Lieutenant Alex Diehl
- Luis Delgado - Officer Todd
External links
[edit]
- The Rockford Files quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- The Rockford Files at TV.com