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- [first lines of the show]
- Dispatch: Second Squad this is Dispatch. Be on the lookout for a man in a hot dog costume, last seen running west on Hauser Street. Suspect may, or may not, be wielding a Samurai sword.
- Detective Allison Beaumont: Here's what you need to know about the Second: Alvarez talks about himself in the third person, Banks sleeps in a bulletproof vest, and yesterday Delahoy named his mustache.
- Detective Casey Shraeger: What about Walsh?
- Detective Allison Beaumont: On the plus side, he doesn't stare at your boobs when he's talking to you.
- Detective Casey Shraeger: The down side?
- Detective Allison Beaumont: I've got great boobs. Why isn't he looking?
Boorland Day [1.2]
- Sgt. Brown: Every cop has a story... why they do what they do. What their story is dictates what kind of police they are.
- Mike Boorland: My father, he was a great man. He could talk to anybody into anything. And the ladies, they loved him. He had a 2x4 between his legs. People called him 'The Lumberjack'.
- Sgt. Brown: (to Det. Delahoy) Your partner is going through some really rough days right now. He's afraid. That makes him cautious. And around here, cautious gets you killed.
One Man Band [1.3]
- Nicole Brandt: (to Det. Alvarez as walks off) Love you. (to Det. Shraeger) Hate you.
- Det. Shraeger: You know, that is not what you said in 8th grade when you were going through your little lesbian phase. I'll bet Eddie doesn't know about that, either.
- Nicole Brandt: Hag.
- Det. Shraeger: Trollop.
Crime Slut [1.4]
- Det. Delahoy: 'We Bokononists believe that humanity is broken into teams. Teams that do God's will without ever discovering what they're doing. Such a team is called a karass. If you find your life tangled up with somebody else's life, that person may be a member of your karass. Nowhere does Bokonon warn against a person's trying to discover the limits of his karass. But such investigations are bound to be incomplete. As Bokonon tells us, anyone who thinks he sees what God is doing is a fool.'
- Det. Walsh: Wait, are you... are you apologizing for being human? Is that what you're doing?
- Det. Beaumont: No, I...
- Det. Walsh: Because I got news for you. If I wanted shallow and uncomplicated, I'd date that newscaster again. I like girls with secrets. I like girls who lie. How can you trust someone who doesn't have secrets? Hmm?
- Frank Lutz: I go down, you go down. I mean, that's just math.
- Det. Cole: It's okay. I deserve to go to jail for what I've done.
- Frank Lutz: Well, I don't! I don't! Whatever I've ever taken was mine. Not all of us get to start over, son. Not all of us get new lives and pretty girls that look at us like we're angels. Some of us get dirt on our stockings. We live out in the cold.
- Det. Cole: You made your choices, Frank. I'm making mine
The Circle Line [1.6]
- Det. Shraeger: I swear, if you took all the time that men wasted thinking about the female breast throughout history, there'd only be enough time to read a magazine.
- Det. Walsh: What, like Juggs or Maxim?
- Det. Shraeger: Yeah, you're adorable.
The Tape Delay [1.7]
- (after they were assigned to protective duty)
- Det. Walsh: Look, Casey, remember I told you, NYPD... the economy of favors... that whole thing? All right, well this is the scale of importance. It's not complicated. It's very simple, actually. The basic principle is this: crap rolls downhill.
- Det. Shraeger: My father taught me how to read spreadsheets when I was six years old. He wanted me to go into the family business. I was a real disappointment.
- Det. Walsh: Hmm. If it makes you feel any better, my mom dressed me like a girl 'til I was six.
- Det. Shraeger: That does make me feel better.
The Dentist [1.8]
- Det. Walsh: (to Det. Alvarez, after he released a perp to a suspected felon) Repeat after me. My job as a police officer is to put criminals in jail, not help them break out.
- Det. Shraeger: Maybe you want to write it on the blackboard 100 time
- Det. Alvarez: You know, if it was up to me, I would just be a detective. I would solve crimes. But Nicole... she deserves a champion, you know? Not some guy with a cheap suit who punches the clock every day.
- Det. Shraeger: That's what a champion is, Eddie. Someone who'll do the work that other people think is beneath them.
The Apology Line [1.9]
- Det. Alvarez: No, see, Eddie Alvarez doesn't believe in humiliating people for sport.
- Det. Banks: It's not for sport. It's for respect, Eddie. Practical jokes are about fitting in.
- Det. Banks: All great cops are great liars. They have to be. Half the job is getting people to tell them things that they don't want to tell you. How do we convince them to do that? We lie. We trick. We prank.
- Det. Cole: You know, some people believe you have to apologize to God for the mistakes you've made.
- Stephanie Taft: God's not the one we hurt. It's each other.
- Det. Delahoy: Alright, all we got to do is call the doctor in, compare his junk to the junk on the tapes. Case closed.
- Det. Cole: I'm not doing that.
- Det. Beaumont: Yeah, you know, while I'm excited about the idea of a penis lineup, um, the evidence is all circumstantial right now.
- Det. Delahoy: More like circumcisional.
- Amber Tamblyn - Detective Casey Shraeger
- Jeremy Renner - Detective Jason Walsh
- Adam Goldberg - Detective Eric Delahoy
- Harold Perrineau - Detective Leo Banks
- Kai Lennox - Detective Eddie Alvarez
- Joshua Close - Detective Henry Cole
- Monique Gabriela Curnen - Detective Allison Beaumont
- Terry Kinney - Sergeant Harvey Brown