The VelociPastor
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
The VelociPastor is a 2017 comedy horror film in which, after losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.
- Directed and written by Brendan Steere.
Doug Jones[edit]
- I don't believe you. Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I don't transform into one.
Father Stewart[edit]
- So your parents died, Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you. They're in a better place.
- Go where you think God will not follow. If you find him there, then you know he's within you.
Frankie Mermaid[edit]
- Yo, Cherry! If you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you're doing that sandwich, I'd be a fuckin' millionaire by now!
Dialogue[edit]
- Doug Jones: What is it that you'd like to confess?
- Frankie Mermaid: Ah, geez, I guess we could cover the last... four days? I stole candy from this baby, then I threw the baby in the river - so it couldn't snitch, obviously - then, ah, well, I pimp bitches, do drugs, sell drugs, murder people - really, you name it, I've done it, padre.
- Carol: Last night was... amazing.
- Doug Jones: Oh. Oh, I see. Let me be fair and say this can never happen again.
- Carol: So it was just a one-time thing?
- Doug Jones: Yes, honestly it never should have happened at all.
- Carol: That's for sure.
- Doug Jones: Oh. Was it bad?
- Carol: It was... weird.
- Doug Jones: Oh.
- Carol: Honestly, it all happened so quickly. I was very scared, I think I even peed myself.
- Doug Jones: Oh. Was it your first time too?
- Carol: Yeah.
- Doug Jones: As I said, I'm a priest, so we can never say...
- Carol: What, what are you talking about?
- Doug Jones: What are you talking about?
- Carol: That time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone.
- Doug Jones: Wait - what? What?
- Carol: I don't know much about God.
- Doug Jones: I don't know much about dinosaurs.
- Doug Jones: You're a hooker?
- Carol: And premed/law, but people aren't surprised as much by that one.
- Doug Jones: Father Stewart, what if I told you that I was different?
- Father Stewart: You're not that different, Doug. There are plenty of men like that in the church.
- Doug Jones: I might be on a mission from God himself!
- Father Stewart: That's insane, Doug! God does not want people dead!
- Doug Jones: Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead.
Taglines[edit]
- Man of the clawth.
- Evolution? Maybe.
- How long has it been since your last confession?
- Welcome to the Christ-aceous period.
Cast[edit]
- Gregory James Cohan - Doug Jones
- Alyssa Kempinski - Carol
- Daniel Steere - Father Stewart
- Aurelio Voltaire - Altair
- Yang Jiechang - Wei Chan
- Jesse Turits - Sam the White Ninja
- Fernando Pacheco de Castro - Frankie Mermaid
- David Sokol - War Buddy Ali
- Kathleen Steere - Adeline
- Claire Hsu - Chinese Villager
- Nicholas M. Garofolo - Hobo
- George Schewnzer - Doug's Dad
External links[edit]
- The VelociPastor quotes at the Internet Movie Database