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The Venture Bros. (season 1)

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The following is a list of quotes from the first season of The Venture Bros.

Dia de Los Dangerous!

[edit]

While in Mexico, where Dr. Venture is giving a lecture, the Venture family crosses paths with The Monarch, who believes that they are there to foil his latest plan.

Mexican University Administrator: Your check, Dr. Venture. Muchas gracias.
Dr. Venture: Super good! Very generous of y-oh, pesos. Great. These zeros are all meaningless.
Dr. Guevara: I am sorry, Señor Venture.
Dr. Venture: Doctor.
Dr. Guevara: Sí?
Dr. Venture: No, "Doctor Venture". What's Mexican for "doctor"?
Dr. Guevara: Doctor.
Dr. Guevara: I realize I am a Tijuana doctor, but even we have scruples. I could lose my license to practice...Mexican medicine.
Hank and Dean: Dad!
Dean: We knew you wouldn't let us down.
Hank: And just in the nick of time, too. Monarch was gettin' all 'creepy uncle' on us.
Hank: (trying to pick a lock) Double dammit!
Dean: Hank, you said the double-D word!
Dr. Venture: (after being attacked by a frightening green creature) What the hell was that?
Brock: Chupacabra. They're all over Mexico.
Brock: How long can you live if you're not hooked up to him?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I dunno...a couple of hours? But they'd be awfully uncomf-- (Brock yanks out the tubes connecting Doc to H.E.L.P.eR.) GAH!
Hank: This place is tits!
Hank: Well, sure. H.E.L.P.eR. looks like a dried-out turd on a bad stretch of road.
Hank: What's your problem with our dad, anyway?!
The Monarch: (awkwardly) Well, I- he- he's my nemesis. My archenemy.
Dean: I don't think Pop thinks you're his archenemy.
The Monarch: Come on, I'm sure the walls of the Venture Compound are practically caked with the lingering curses of the Monarch's name.
Dean: Uhh, no. I've never even heard him mention you.
Hank: Yeah, I always thought Baron Ünderbheit was dad's arch-enemy.
The Monarch: (astounded) Ünderbheit!?! Why, that dime-store Doctor Doom isn't fit to...just you wait 'til your father calls me back!
Brock: You get the boys. I'll take care of these guys.
Dr. Venture: Are you sure? There's an awful lot of them.
Brock: (left eye twitching) They hit me with a truck.
[after his henchmen have kidnapped the Venture boys and brought them back to the lair]
The Monarch: But see, that's what I'm talking about! Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go totally sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.
Dr. Venture: [After waking up in a tub of ice with a note explaining that his kidneys are gone] Oh! Not again! Wait a minute...one... [Checks his other side] Two... oh...this is serious.
The Monarch: All right, which one of you sold the Monarch out? OK, OK. I'm gonna turn around and close my eyes, and I want the guilty party to step forward. No judgments, you won't be punished, I just want to know who did it, OK?
[Cough]
The Monarch: Traitor! Dirty bastard traitor! I knew it was you, number...
Dr. Girlfriend: 37.
The Monarch: Number 37! Strike him from the roster, Dr. Girlfriend.

Careers in Science

[edit]

The Venture family must travel to space to repair an orbiting space station that Dr. Venture's father built in the 1970s, but a mysterious space phantom could be haunting the station! Things get even more intense as Brock's presence adds heat to an already tense romantic relationship between the station's two officers.

Hank and Dean: He started it!
Dr. Venture: No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!
(Brock is piloting the Ventures' phallic ship into Gargantua-1's docking bay)
Lt. Baldavitch: Let's take this slow. It's my first time.
Brock: I'll be gentle. Now where do you want this hot rocket?
Lt. Baldavitch: Wow! That's a big one. Now, ease it in...good, just like that.
Dr. Venture: Uugh, ay-yi...uugh, Brock, can we speed this up? I really need to go number one, I'm serious.
Lt. Baldavitch: That's it! Keep going. Slow...slow...YES! That's it!
Brock: That's a tight fit.
Lt. Baldavitch: (sighs) It's like they were made for each other.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Yes, because they were, because they were both made by the same guy. Now can we finish this up, please?
Brock: I'm almost there, brace yourself because it's gonna be... (trails off)
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!
Dr. Venture: Oh, sweet mercy, tell me these suits have a collection pouch.
Col. Manstrong: Sharky's Machine!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Dr. Venture: That's called 'blinking', boys...
Hank: Now it's just regular on.
(after being rescued from being in space without a spacesuit)
Brock: Gonna...go...lay down...for a...second...
Brock: Oh yeah, the pain. It's not so bad. I hacked up some blood a couple of minutes ago, and there was this pink chunk about the size of, uh...one of those little kiwifruit, but I don't feel anything missing, so I'm not too worried.
Hank and Dean: Phantom Space Man!
Col. Manstrong: So..h-how was he?
Lt. Baldavich: How was who?
Col. Manstrong: Oh, come on! I shook his hand, it's all fat and stubby! He must have like a huge mushroom down there! So...does he have a Smurf living in it or what?
Lt. Baldavich: What's got into you?
Col. Manstrong: Got into me?! I know what got into you, and that's what got into me!
Lt. Baldavitch: You don't deserve to be jealous! I gave you every chance in the world!
Col. Manstrong: I'm not jealous! I'm pissed! You said you were going to wait 'til-
Lt. Baldavitch: No! You said we were going to wait! I-I don't have to take this! (stomps away, shoving Col. Manstrong aside)
Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it! In the...lap! From...not me!
Hank: I hate Phantom Space Man!

Home Insecurity

[edit]

When Brock goes on sabbatical, two of Dr. Venture's enemies clash over who gets the honor of killing him.

Brock: Bionic, huh? Let's see how bionic. (he kicks Summers in the testicles)
Steve Summers: (in agony) Ooof...right in my Cape Canaverals!
Brock: Wait a minute, I know you too. You're Steve Summers, astronaut!
Steve Summers: Former astronaut.
Brock: I thought you died.
Summers: That's what everyone was meant to think, though I was barely alive after my test ship broke up, but the army saved me. They spent six million dollars to give me all new bionic parts. Made me stronger, better, faster than I was. Then you know what they did? They put me to work! They expected me to pay it all back! Do you have any idea how long six million bucks takes to pay off on a government salary?!
Brock: You could've told me Sasquatch was a dude.
Steve Summers: Eh? What, you couldn't tell?
Brock: Not until I had to.. (shudder) ...shave him.
Summers: What are you, shy? Sasquatch doesn't have anything you haven't seen before.
Brock: (angrily) Sasquatch IS something I haven't seen before!
#24: When they closed the plant, there weren't a lot of jobs for me. All I got's a GED. It was either this or the army.
Ünderbheit henchman: In Ünderland, all citizens are required to serve in his lordship's infantry from the ages of 12 to 37. At 38, we are executed.
Random Monarch henchman: When I met the Monarch, I was hooked on crack cocaine. I get in all kinds of trouble. Monarch turned my life around. How 'bout you, why'd you join up?
#21: You guys kidnapped me when I was 15.
Hank: But Pop, you're bleeding!
Dr. Venture: Uh? Oh, this. Uh, no, it's fairly common for some men to lactate involuntarily in situations of extreme stress.
Hank: (pointing to Dean's wet pajama bottoms) Dean's lactating too!
Dr. Venture: Right now, G.U.A.R.D.O. doesn't know you or me from a squad of snake people hopped up on PCP.
Hank: H.E.L.P.eR.'s done it.
Hank and Dean: Go Team H.E.L.P.eR.!
Hank: Yeah, but did you get the first aid kit?
Dr. Venture: I don't need first aid, Hank, I need you to stop choking me and hitting me with fire extinguishers.
The Monarch: (tastes a cup of soda and spits) What is this, diet? Why did you get diet?
Dr. Girlfriend: I didn't.
The Monarch: Taste this, then! (shoves the cup into Girlfriend's face)
Dr. Girlfriend: Okay, I might have grabbed the wrong bottle at the supermarket.
The Monarch: How do you do that?! How can you not tell the difference?! God, it's like having my dad do the shopping!
The Monarch: Venture and I have been engaged in a deadly game of cat and also cat for years!
Dr. Venture: What the hell are you smiling about?
Hank: (dreamily) Brock said I'm the man of the house while he's gone.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Oh, so you think you're a big man now, huh?
Hank: (uneasily) Uh, no...sir?
(Doctor Venture puts up his dukes and steps menacingly close to Hank)
Dr. Venture: Think you can take your old dad, huh? I knew this day would come! Go ahead, big man, take your best shot!
Hank: What...what do you mean, pop?
Dean: No! Stop it, you two! This family's tearing itself apart! (begins to cry)
Dr. Venture: You proud of yourself, big man? Look what you're doing to your poor brother!
Soldier 1: Who was that?
Soldier 2: Brock fucking Samson!
Soldier 1: No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt!

The Incredible Mr. Brisby

[edit]

The Venture family steps into the middle of a suburban conflict when amusement park millionaire Roy Brisby presents Dr. Venture with a business proposal.

Hank: Dude, look, elephants!
Dean: That's... (rummages through box of wildlife cards) "Loxodonta africana." You can tell which ones are the males because they're the only ones with tusks.
Hank: I got no problem tellin' which one's the male, bro. Check out the fifth leg on that beast!
Dean: It's called a trunk.
Hank: It's called "you're a spaz", and that ain't what I'm talkin' about.
Hank: What are you, on the rag?
Dr. Venture: (exasperated) It's impossible for me to be on the rag, I'm a...I can't believe I'm even arguing about this with you! What men's room did you pick up that kind of trash talk in? (the boys point at Brock, who shrugs)
Brisby: Welcome, Dr. Venture...to the funnest place on Earth! (he turns toward Venture, revealing his partially paralyzed face)
Dr. Venture: (horrified) Holy dammit Christmas!
Brisby: Does my appearance startle you, Dr. Venture?
Dr. Venture: (struggling to regain his composure) No, not at all, I--as a man of science, I see all...kinds of things.
Brisby: Now that we've exchanged pleasantries and hot panda milk, Dr. Venture, let's talk business. I want you to clone me.
Dr. Venture: (caught off-guard) Cloning? (unconvincingly) I...wouldn't know anything about that, seeing as Congress has banned all cloning research in North America.
Dr. Venture: I-that's it! The deal is off! I don't care if you are rich, I don't have to take this crap from a gimp!
Dean: I spy a...um... (shuffling through cards) huh. I don't have a card for that one.
Hank: If you don't knock it off with the wildlife cards already, you're going to be spying my foot up your wow-hole, Dean. Seriously.
Dr. Venture: Brock? Thank God! His freakin' panda's trained to put me in a bag!
Dr. Venture: (resentfully) Your panda broke my glasses.
Brisby: We'll replace them at once. We have many glasses here. We have everything you need.
Dr. Venture: Where the hell is "here"?
Brisby: Your home for the time being. (dramatically) Welcome, Dr. Venture...to the Brisby-dome!
Venture: This is that ridiculous giant beehive next door to your study, isn't it? You knocked me out and put me in a bag to bring me fifty yards?!?
Dr. Venture: Ooohh! Ah ha ha, now I see. You know, it took me a minute, but I just got it.
Brisby: Got it? So you'll come aboard?
Dr. Venture: Oh, no no no. What I just got is that you're like a total jacked up freaky-deaky crazy pants!
Molotov Cocktease: You KILLED my FATHER!
Brock Samson: After you killed my partner.
Molotov: You took my EYE!
Brock: After you took...my heart.
(They pause, awkwardly, and kiss)
Molotov: NYET! You know I can only go to second base!
Brock: Still? After all these years?! Urrrgh! I thought the cold war was OVER!
Molotov: It's always cold in Siberia.
Brock: (Lighting two cigarettes, then smoking both at the same time) You want one of these? (Throws Molotov the pack, she lights one and smokes sexily)
Brock: GARRRRRRR! (Stabs his knife into the mattress and stands up with a giant erection) I gotta go take care of something.
Brock: You don't want to shoot me, boys. You know me. You know what I'll do to you if you do.

Eeney, Meeney, Miney... Magic!

[edit]

With some help from their new neighbors, Dr. Venture and the boys try to rescue Brock from one of Dr. Venture's inventions.

Dr. Venture: My son has it in his head that you were in our house last night and you... killed our robot.
Dr. Orpheus: The seed of your loins is quite astute. I saved your mechanical man from certain damnation. For his frail, electronic eyes had gazed upon the impenetrable! He was an unwilling beholder to the impossible!
Dr. Orpheus: By the crimson shame of Lord Valisinta, I command you...OPENNNNNNNNNN!!
Dr. Orpheus: It craves... purity... it devours... purity... it seems to be... What the hell is this thing made out of?
Dr. Venture: Nothing.
Dr. Orpheus: Come on...
Dr. Venture: Alright fine, I might have used a few unorthodox parts.
Dr. Orpheus: Just tell me one!
Dr. Venture: An... (mumbles)
Dr. Orpheus: A what?
Dr. Venture: An... orphan.
Dr. Orpheus: Did you say... an orphan!?
Dr. Venture: Yeah... a little.. orphan boy..
Dr. Orpheus: It's powered by a forsaken child!?
Dr. Venture: Might be... kind of... I mean, I didn't use the whole thing!
Hank: Dean that's great and I can't wait to hear all about it, only Brock's stuck inside Dad's thing that makes people happy. But it's all evil.
Dean: I dare you to make less sense.
Hank: I was on the floor and I heard everything! And I have a plan!
Triana Orpheus: So how come I never see you at school?
Dean: (with a hint of fear) I'm kind of home tutored in a box my pop made, (looks down with a more frightened tone) it sometimes gets very hot in the box... my pop made.
Triana: Wow. That's, um... that's screwy. (notices his face, which has gone blank) Crap, did I upset you?
Dean: (blankly) Penguins have a gland above their eyes that converts seawater to freshwater.
Dr. Orpheus: (note to Triana, recorded on answering machine) Greetings, pumpkin, I am at Mr. Venture's lab... to right that which is wrong and to repair the torn curtain OF TIME ITSELF!! There are four puddings in the fridge. You may enjoy the contents of one of them. Dinner at six.
Hank: So what super-cool adventure are we goin' on today? Should I get my SCUBA gear?
Brock: We're not goin' anywhere. Your father's workin' on this...thing.
Hank: SCUBA. SCUBA. SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA. Say SCUBA.
Brock: SCUBA.
Hank: SCUBA. It sounds funny. SCUBA.
Brock: SCUBA. Yeah it does.
Dean: Hank and I just woke up on the floor. We were playing Ouija, and a guy hypnotized us.
Dr. Venture: Dean...
Dean: With his magical Dracula powers.
Dr. Venture: Dean, I'm going to turn around now, and you'd better be on fire. You're standing there in flames, and the only person who can put you out is me, because that is the only conceivable reason that you would wake me up like this!!!

(Hank is rooting through Brock's tape collection)

Hank: What's this one?
Brock: "In Through The Out Door".
Hank: Can I put it on?
Brock: Rather you didn't. Zep sold out on that one. Besides...I've got memories attached to that record. Can we drop this please?
Hank: Is it because you killed a bunch of ninjas while it was playing, and so it reminds you of ninjas?
Brock: No, Hank...
Hank: How about frogmen? Does it remind you of frogmen?
Brock: IT'S A WOMAN!...The only woman I ever loved. Are you happy now?
Hank: (pouty voice) No...because you snapped at me.
Brock: You're alright, Hank. You know that? You're alright.
Dr. Venture: Heeey, if I pull this candle down, will it...?
Dr. Orpheus: ...get wax on my carpet? Yes.
Dean: Is your name Pumpkin?
Triana: No, it's Triana. Doesn't your dad have a nickname for you?
Dean: Well, I've heard him call me 'Dave' or 'Don' a few times, but I don't think they're nicknames.
Triana: Who's that big guy who's always washing his car in front of your place?
Dean: Oh, that's Brock. He's my dad's bodyguard. One time I saw him kill a guy with a sock full of party snaps!
Triana: (facetiously) Did the guy's head get blown off?
Dean: (proudly) Yes it did.
Dr. Orpheus: (in typically melodramatic tones) Evil has struck the House of Venture! The air reeks of an ill wind! Yea, though I have smelt it, that hath dealt it!
Hank: Morning, Brock. [Brock grabs him by the throat and lifts him off the ground, sees who it is and drops him]
Brock: Hank? You all right?
Hank: [hoarsely] I will be.
Brock: You have to stop sneaking up on me.
Hank: I just wanted to tell you [coughs] H.E.L.P.E.R.'s broken. Uh, Brock?
Brock: Yeah?
Hank: [still holding his throat] Is it okay if I cry?
Brock: Nice rescue, boys. You saved me from the only woman I've ever loved... with a hat that smells like a men's room... and we're still here.
Dr. Venture: (outside the bathroom with robe and towel) Dean, what the hell are you doing in there? I need to take a shower!
Dean: I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!
Dr. Venture: (sidling away, horrified) Uh, never mind, Dean.

Ghosts of the Sargasso

[edit]

Dr. Venture attempts to find one of his father's abandoned inventions on the sea floor, while a gang of fake ghost pirates board the ship.

[opening lines]
Major Tom: [over radio] I can't keep it together, Dr. Venture. I'm sorry about the TVC 15.
Jonas Venture, Sr.: Tom, I'm not worried about that tin can, I'm worried about you. You're not dying on me, and that's an order!
[Rusty walks in, half asleep]
Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture: What's goin' on, Pop?
Jonas Venture, Sr.: Everything's fine, son. You're havin' a nightmare. Kano! Take Rusty downstairs and get him some warm milk.
Major Tom: [over radio] I've got a message for the Action Man.
Jonas Venture, Sr.: He's listening, Tom. Go ahead.
Major Tom: I'm happy. Hope you're…happy too. [Action Man tears up] I've loved all I need to love.
Jonas Venture, Sr.: Don't talk like that, Tom. You're gonna make it. Fight it!
[Tom lets go of the controls]
Major Tom: I'm…feeling very still. And…I think my spaceship knows which way to go. Tell my wife I love her. Very much.
Jonas Venture, Sr.: She knows!
[Tom smiles placidly]
Jonas Venture, Sr.: Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit's dead! There's something wrong! Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me? MAJOR TOM!
[The TVC 15 plunges into the ocean, the shockwaves nudging the Venture ship. Action Man takes off his helmet in tribute.]
Action Man: Ashes…to ashes.
(after Brock beats up Major Tom's screaming ghost and throws it overboard)
Pirate Captain: Well, we coulda done that.
Dean: Dad is super serious all of a sudden. Do you really think he's in as much danger as he says he is?
Brock: Oh yeah, he's screwed. I give him about an hour before he panics and begs for us to haul him up.
Dr. Venture: Okay, guys, I can hear all this!
(as Brock beats up the fake ghost pirate)
Pirate 1: Oh crap, he's getting his ass kicked, let's go save him!
Pirate 2: You crazy? My sword's made of cardboard.
Pirate Captain: Hey is that guy dead?
Brock: Yeah, probably.
Pirate Captain: You're not a very good liar, Dean, are ya?
Dean: Maybe...
Hank: Brock, if pirates really exist, I mean, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy could even be real, right? It's like, all bets are off!
Brock: Hank, nobody ever said pirates don't exist.
Hank: So you agree with me that this is impossible.
Brock: Hank, if there was ever a time in your life I needed you not to be Hank, it's now.
Hank: Uh, sorry, Brock.
Brock: Focus, Hank! Whatever you do, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.
Hank: Brock, I don't smoke!
Brock: Good. Now's a lousy time to start.
(Brock is chained up, and talking to Hank through his communicator watch)
Brock: After the twist, you'll feel a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.
Hank: And that will knock him out...even more?
Brock: That'll kill him.
Hank: Do I have to?
Brock: Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.
Jeanie: Tom, it's your wife, sweety. You're dead now – it's time to go.
[Dr. Ventures has just encountered the ghost of Major Tom]
Dr. Venture: [shivering under a blanket] His eyes! Crazy eyes! Accusing me!
[a pirate hands him a warm drink]
Dr. Venture: Who are you?
Hank: Alright Brock, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear him out.
Pirate Captain: Guuhhm. Can we have a ride home?
Brock: What?
Dean: Noooo. Do it like you said you were gonna.
Pirate Captain: (sigh) I'm really, really sorry about this whole mess, and, you know, the whole pirate thing is behind me now, and... plus, you kinda killed Steve, and burnt my ship. So, if you could give us a lift out of here I figure we'd just call it squaresies.
Brock: (sigh) Alright.
Hank & Dean: Go team Venture!
(the pirate captain looks at Brock)
Brock: I don't know, they just do that.
Pirate Captain: (having mistaken Brock for Dr. Venture) Your dad has a bodyguard? Why would he need a bodyguard? The guy's a tank.
Dr. Orpheus: Do you have a pen?
Hank: To use as a magic wand?
Dr. Orpheus: To use...as a pen, Hank.
Dr. Venture: (recording an entry in his journal) Oh yeah, I lost my locator, and yes, I realize the irony of that.
Dr. Venture: Cancel the mission abort command! Re-bort, do you copy?!
Brock: Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.
Hank: Uhh...alright.
Brock: That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that's your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.
Hank: (gasping) Grab the handle, push the...
Brock: Let go of your own throat, Hank.
Pirate 1: We need that key that starts your boat Mr. Big Stuff. Lets have it.
Brock: It's up my ass!
Pirate 2: Are you serious?
Brock: Why don't you check.
Pirate 2: (looks at his partner) Well? Check.
Pirate 1: What if he's lying?
Pirate 2: If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Ice Station – Impossible!

[edit]

Dr. Venture begins a new job working for his former professor, while Brock encounters an old friend who has a deadly warning.

Pete White: It's like wearing nothing at all. Like a second skin.
Dr. Venture: Ummm, you've got a little something brown on your nose.
Dean: Brock, I think I figured out why the plane crashed: There were skeletons driving it! (points to the charred remains of the pilots)
Hank: Cool! I'm not going to explode anymore. And plus - free invisible mom.
Hank and Dean: Go Team Venture!
Prof. Richard Impossible: There's a reason Ned's boots have velcro instead of laces, honey.
Brock: (examining Race) Race Bannon... those bastards killed him!
Hank: Those kids? Damnit! We let 'em go!
(to the boys' disgust, Race Bannon's corpse defecates itself)
Brock: Yeah... they never show that part on TV.
Dr. Venture: (stranded in the Arctic) If this is about what I saw, I won't tell anyone!
Prof. Impossible: (stretches himself to the flying car and flies off) I know!
Dr. Venture: (after being stranded in the Arctic by Prof. Impossible) ...I CHEATED ON MY DAMN MID-TERMS!
Hank: Brock, I've thought a lot about it and if we can't get the antidote in time and it comes down to it, I... well, I want you to be the one to kill me.
Brock: Don't talk like that Hank, we're gonna find...
Hank: PROMISE ME, Brock!
Brock: Okay.
Hank: Promise?
Brock: Yes, I promise.
Hank: Super-swear?
Brock: (growing annoyed) YES, Hank.
Hank: (after a brief pause) Hey, Brock?
Brock: Yeah?
Hank: How would you do it?
Brock: (without hesitation) You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing.
Hank: You've thought about this.
Brock: Yes, I have.
(his jumpsuit having fallen apart, Dr. Venture is wandering naked through the snow)
Dr. Venture: Oh, great, Venture! Thousands of square miles of empty arctic wasteland and you somehow manage to step in the one spot of yellow snow!
(Prof. Impossible has drawn a weapon to shoot Hank)
Master Billy Quizboy: Professor, no offense, but that's just crazy! Violence isn't the answer. This is a think tank; we're the most powerful minds on the planet! Let's act like it!
Pete White: Billy's right. We can create an antidote if we work together!
Prof. Impossible: (pauses for a second to contemplate) Nah, my way's safer.

Mid-Life Chrysalis

[edit]

Dr. Venture is determined to reinvigorate his social life, and Brock finds out that he must renew his license to kill.

[The Venture family, trying to get to Marrakesh, are grounded by two fighter pilots]

Pilot: Sir, your craft is unregistered, and you failed to file a flight plan. Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?
Dr. Venture: Don’t you people have anything better to do than harass innocent people trying to get to Marrakesh?
Pilot: Zip it, Grandpa. I’m speaking to the pilot.
Dr. Venture: Grandpa? Well, I’ll have you know-
Pilot: Sir, I am not gonna tell you again.
Brock: It’s all right, soldier. I got special clearance. [Hands pilot his CIA card] I’m with a top-secret branch of the government. So if you don’t mind, we have a mission to get back to.
Pilot: [looks at license] Sir. This I.D. expired six months ago. [Hearing this, Brock freaks out. Dr. Venture stands next to him, annoyed]
Dr. Venture: Great. When Marrakesh is overrun by mutant lizard people don’t come crying to me.
Dr. Venture: "Grandpa." How dare they! I'm only 43. I'm still a young man. Maybe a little frayed around the edges, but who wouldn't be between my work and raising two boys? ...Crap, who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.
Dr. Venture: So, I guess this is goodbye. I will remember these last few days with you as the happiest of my life. Well except for the caterpillar part, I mean.
Agent Tester: Well, let's see here Mr. Samson. On the driving portion you totaled every car but the one you were driving. On the pistol range you refused to use a gun, and, oh, ha, here's my favorite, on the written you drew the little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.
Brock: Icarus. So, uh, what are trying to tell me here, little man, that you don't like Zep? [Tester stands and rips the written portion in half]
Agent Tester: My father is General Treister. You saved his life. The man spoke of you as a god. [pause] And you did not disappoint.
Brock: Oh yeah. I used to babysit you.
Dean: Hear that? I'm in charge. And I think it's just about little Hanky's bed time.
Hank: Oh, take a bow. [Hits him in the crotch]
Dean: Yahtzee!
Bartender: [To Brock] You got it, ape-drape. [Brock growls] A bud for captain mullet head. [Brock begins to draw his knife]
Bartender: [as Brock leaves] Leavin' us so soon, hockey hair? [Brock represses a scream because he isn't allowed to kill him]
Agent Tester: This test will, uh, test your proficiency with firearms, you'll have two min-
Brock: Uh uh. No guns. I don't use guns.
Agent Tester: The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required-
Brock: Guns are for sissies.
Hank and Dean: Hey Brock!
Brock: Go to bed. [walks past the door dejectedly, then walks back in] Why would you dress like that? [Dean is in his underwear with a number of socks wrapped around his head]
Hank: Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave, and he's refusing a direct order to drink this!
Brock: You never welch on a bet, Dean. Be a man. Drink it. [Hank is offering some green liquid with various substances floating in it] Go to bed. You're father's gonna be... coming... [leaves mumbling dejectedly]
Dean: Brock looks like hell.
Hank: Drink it.
Dr. Venture: No. No no no. Bad robot! Bad H.E.L.P.E.R. We don't do that. [H.E.L.P.eR is eating test tubes] We do not eat test tubes! Come here! [H.E.L.P.E.R. backs away] I'm not playing games here. [A hole burns through H.E.L.P.eR's stomach] What, you don't feel well now? Well, what did you expect? You're mixing acids and bases there.
Dr. Venture: So I said, "Listen, my Dad invented UNIVAC, so I think I would know!" Well, that uppity little T.A. didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the semester.
Dr. Girlfriend: [forces a laugh] You dog, you.
Hank: [hands Brock a tiny lunchbox] I packed a lunch for you. Bologna and cheese. And I cut the crusts off the way I like.
Dean: And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch. You get stuck on one of the hard questions, just look it up.
Dr. Venture: What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!
(he emerges from under the sheets)
Hank: Holy crap! What happened?
Dr. Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.
Dean: No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you-
Brock: Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper. When he falls out the window, the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.
Dean: Uh... the answer's C.

[Brock is doing push ups, Hank steps on his back]

Hank: You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?
Brock: [stops] Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.
Hank: Oh. [Hurriedly removes his foot] Sorry, Brock.
Brock: [He eyes a glass of raw eggs that Hank has given him] Did you spit in this?
Hank: Don't eyeball me, Samson! Drink it!

[Hank and Dean are wearing girlie exercise outfits]

Hank: Come on Brock, you need strong cardio-vascular agility training!
Brock: [pause] No.
Dr. Venture: You don't need a license for operation "Get Me Some".
The Monarch: Tell him you're going out with the girls tonight or something, I don't care!
Dr. Girlfriend: He's not buying it.
The Monarch: Ooo, I know! Tell him you think it's moving too fast.
(a stripper performs for Brock and Dr. Venture)
Dr. Venture: She's looking at me, what do I do?
Brock: Give her five bucks.
(Venture clumsily puts the bill into the stripper's thong but fumbles for change)
Dean: Don't worry, Brock. You'll be able to kill guys again in no time!
Brock: Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]
Dr. Venture: Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!
Brock: That's not what I-
Dr. Venture: And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.
Hank: We don't even know who our old mommy was.
Dr. Venture: Oh, that's right. I've never really told you about her. Well, she was- [horn honks outside] That'll be Charlene! Gotta run, boys! Don't stay up too late!!
Dr. Venture: Oh, you're back! You didn't miss much. Oh, one of them [the strippers] was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was 19, but she had a Caesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.
Dean: Well, I scored your sample test, Brock, and well, you did better than Hank did, but let's just say you'll have to do awfully well on the physical portion.
Hank: No problem. Your training begins now! [takes Brock's dinner and gives him a glass of eggs] Drink up! Your ass is mine, Samson! When I get through with you, you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!
Dean: Looks more like he's gonna drink eggs and crap....eggs.
Bartender: Hey, if it isn't Frankenmullet. What can I do you for? [Brock slaps his new license to kill on the bar. The bartender turns, looks at it, and Brock launches over the bar at him]

Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean

[edit]

The Monarch has the Venture family right where he wants them, but a sudden medical emergency delays his wrath.

(Brock, Hank, Dean, and Dr. Venture are hanging over the Amazon River)
Brock: Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.
The Monarch: What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--
Hank: The piranha.
The Monarch: No.
Hank: The shark?
The Monarch: No!
Hank: (pause) The piranha?
The Monarch: NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz. Now where was I... right! The dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra, to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!!
Dr. Venture: Did you lift anything heavy?
Dean: (in extreme pain) I told you, it's not a hernia.
Dr. Venture: Were you roughhousing with your brother?
Dean: Nooo.
Dr. Venture: (suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching-
Dean: No! Gross!
Dr. Venture: I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.
Dean: (groans, still in acute testicular pain) It's getting worse!
Dr. Venture: Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! - I'm hip!
Dean: Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!
Dr. Venture: Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.
Dean: Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!
Dr. Venture: I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?
Dean: Ahhhuh!!I want a doctor!!
The Monarch: Dr. Girlfriend, would you come over here with me for a moment.
Dr. Girlfriend: (oblivious to the situation) Oh I guess the muscular one is alright, but the boy is just going too far. Can't we just use the puppet again?
Master Billy Quizboy: Alright, let's see them.
Dean: I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!
Dean: You said you wouldn't look!
Dr. Venture: I'M NOT LOOKING! Billy, fess up to the boy. He's been pulling that "Boy Genius" crap for at least the 20 years that I've known him.
Master Billy Quizboy: Well, nobody is that impressed with "Master Billy Quizboy ADULT Genius."
Dr. Venture: Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a "BOY Genius."
Pete White: Don't forget the huge head!
Master Billy Quizboy: Hey! I copped to it! Now you guys are just ganging up on me! Can we just do this please?
#24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
#21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!
#24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
#21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!
Dr. Venture: Well, what happens if we wait?
Master Billy Quizboy: That's not so good. My guess is that in a couple of hours, your son's testes are going to die, then atrophy.
Pete White: Think raisin, or better yet, you know when you're eating peanuts, and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner...
Master Billy Quizboy: You're finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don't know which way they spun.
Pete White: Unless you're that guy from INXS and that's, like, your thing, the pain would be excruciating.
Dean:Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy!
Hank: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?
Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.
#24: Boss, there's a monster down here!
#21: I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja!
#24: I saw it climb the wall, it was a giant spider!
The Monarch: Hank. Hank! I am your real father!
Hank: No way. No way, that's not true!
The Monarch: Psyche!! Ha, sucker! You were all (mimicking) "Oh daddy, you're my daddy!" You are so gullible! What is that like?!
(Hank is looking at a list of supervillains in a Guild of Calamitous Intent handbook)
Hank: Man, this is the coolest book ever! There's a guy in here who guards his headquarters with robot cheetahs!
The Monarch: Oh yeah, the Zoo Creeper. Oh, hey, am I in there?
Hank: Ummmmmm, nope.
The Monarch: M, for (shakes fist, intimidating glare) MONARCH!!
Hank: Uh-uh.
The Monarch: Try T, for (same fist-shaking and intimidating glare) THE MONARCH!!
Hank: Hmm, nothin'.
Hank: I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!
The Monarch: You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!
Hank: Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.
The Monarch: Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How 'bout you? You ok?
Brock: I didn't sleep in my clothes.
The Monarch: 27! Burn his sheets!
Brock: You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me? (Dr. Girlfriend nods, and Brock takes his hand from her mouth)
Dr. Girlfriend: You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? (removes the bedsheets to reveal herself in lingerie) Well, be quick with it!
Brock: To be honest with you, I never really considered that.
Dr. Girlfriend: Why not?
Brock: Just didn't.
Dr. Girlfriend: (obviously disappointed) Well, I'm not gonna beg.
Brock: Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?
The Monarch: Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

Tag Sale – You're it!

[edit]

To raise cash, Dr. Venture holds a yard sale to sell old inventions made by both him and his father.

Mr. One: Gentlemen, this is quite possibly the hottest situation most of you will ever be involved with. If any of you have any fears about death, any second thoughts about that beautiful new wife of yours screwing every guy you hate because you left her a widow, now is your chance to leave.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.
Dr. Venture: You're kidding, right?
Dr. Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.
Dr. Venture: Oh sure, it looks all glamorous from the outside, but really it's a huge pain in the ass. They send robots into your lab, break everything, and does my insurance policy cover arch enemies? No.
Dr. Orpheus: I'm jealous! There, I said it.
Dr. Venture: If you want one so bad, take one of mine.
#21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.
#24: Allegedly.
#21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.
#24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.
The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.
The Monarch: With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.
Dr. Venture: What's he doing now?
Dean: He's making his dramatic exit.
Dr. Venture: (sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.
Hank: I think he's almost done.
The Monarch: And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!
Dr. Girlfriend: Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?
The Monarch: Oh no, wait, where? Holy crap, he's with a girl!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.
The Monarch: But he's the guy from Depeche Mode. That's impossible!
Dr. Girlfriend: Straight!
The Monarch: Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!
Mr. One: (indicating Brock to the rest of the team) This is Agent Samson. You will know him and refer him only as Team Leader. His whim is your command. If he tells you to put on a dress and dance... I'd better see those moneymakers shakin! Am I understood?
Brock: You have some dangerous machinery for sale here. I think you're begging for trouble on this one.
Dr. Venture: I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. C'mon, most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.
Brock: (exasperated) DOC! You have a table over there with a sign that says "laser death ray bargain bin"!
Dr. Venture: (dismissively) Well, that's why you have your little ska band there, to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising Cain.
The Monarch: (needing to go to the bathroom) Oooh, wow. That hoagie went right threw me.I need to make a desposit at the bank, so to speak.
(Dr. Orpheus wordlessly approaches The Monarch, slaps him across the face, and magically sets his shoes on fire)
The Monarch: (shocked, stamping out the fire) You dick!
Dr. Orpheus: Doctor Orpheus did this! To exact proper retribution, (he produces a business card with a flourish) you can find me at this address! (as an afterthought) Nights only.
The Monarch: What? What did I do?
(The Intangible Fancy, an ethereal, ghost-like villain, appears behind The Monarch)
The Intangible Fancy: When the sun sleeps... the wolves begin to howl.
The Monarch: (bewildered) What the hell is going on here? Did somebody put a sign on my back or something?
The Monarch: (after using the Venture household restroom) Honestly, what kind of jackass leaves every door unlocked? I'm not going to flush. Let them see the wrath of the Monarch!
The Monarch: (finally inside Dr. Venture's laboratory) Oh my god, look at this place. It's like a museum of failure.
Dr. Girlfriend: It's almost depressing.
The Monarch: Here I am, in the belly of the beast, and I don't even care. (indicating a gadget nearby) I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to DREAM of taking a whiz on this!
Dr. Girlfriend: So I guess...we're not gonna...
The Monarch: What can I do to this guy that life hasn't already? I almost feel sorry for him.

Past Tense

[edit]

Dr. Venture and Brock are kidnapped while attending a funeral, and the boys turn to the original Team Venture for help.

Dr. Venture: Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?
Dr. Venture: Is my tie on straight?
Brock: Yeah. Can't really miss with a clip-on.
(Venture just revealed that, in college...)
Hank: Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!
Dean: No wonder you guys are such super pals!
(Brock just sits expressionlessly)
Dr. Venture: Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...
(dorm flashback: Venture is laying awake in his bunk. Brock's bunk above his is squeaking, bouncing up and down furiously, accompanied by Brock grunting rhythmically and a young woman moaning)
Dr. Venture: We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...
Pete White: Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.
Dr. Venture: Oh, God, don't remind me.
Pete White: Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.
Dean: Baron Ünderbheit!!!
Pete White: (back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?
Dean: No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!
Hank: Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!
Brock: Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.
Hank: So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?
Pete White: Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.
(dorm flashback: Ünderbheit and White arguing near door of Venture's room)
Baron Ünderbheit: The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...
Pete White: Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.
Baron Ünderbheit: ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.
(Ünderbheit leaves)
Dr. Venture: Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?
Pete White: What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"
Mike Sorayama: Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.
Dr. Venture: Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.
Mike Sorayama: I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.
Dr. Venture: You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!
Hank: (present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!
Col. Gentleman: Careful Lad. Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder. Yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.
Brock: You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.
Sorayama: Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.
Pete White: Sure, but why would you do that, fella?
Baron Underbheit: To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college
Rusty: So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.
Pete White: (on the radio): You're listening to the White Room. I'm your host, the evah-populah Pete White. This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy Mike Sorayama. And he writes "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."
Brock: You did this. You did this, didn't you? (he attempts to charge Ünderbheit, nearly strangling Venture)
Baron Ünderbheit: (sarcastically) As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.
Dr. Orpheus: (grabbing Action Man's hands and concentrating for a moment) Two years, seventeen days.
Action Man: What?
Dr. Orpheus: From a stroke. GOOD DAY!
Col. Gentleman: Despite his racial handicap, Kano here is a crackerjack pilot. Why, he could land her on a puffin... or a smurf!!
Pete White: Oh for Pete's -- for my sake!
(Action Man farts)
College Student: (after a brief pause) Dude, you beefed.
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on! You're gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?
(the group looks at Sorayama's corpse)
Brock: Huh. So he really did die.
Dr. Venture: So what, he programmed his robots to hate us too?
Brock: (shrugs) I guess.
Venture: Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today. So what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink?
Brock: (in flashback, packing up his belongings and talking to a sullenly quiet Thaddeus Venture) Sorry, man, I don't know what came over me. Anyway, they cut my scholarship, so I'm outta here. Gonna join the army. (he pauses in the doorway, causing Venture to cower abjectly) Oh, yeah. Someone from, uhhh... "Venture Industries" called while you were at the infirmary. Your dad died. Later.

The Trial of the Monarch

[edit]
The Monarch is finally on trial, though it may be for a crime that he didn't actually commit.
Statue of Olee Jemeema: Oooooh! My arm came off! I can't believe that happened!
The Monarch: While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless antique, I was systematically feeding babies.... to hungry mutated puppies!
Watch: Sovereign, many of our operatives are in place. We await your orders.
Sovereign: Good, Good... Let us proceed to stage five.
Watch: It shall be done.
Watch: (turning to Ward) Great, way to make me look like a tool! What are you doing back there?
Ward: Have you seen my juice-box?
Watch: Oh, that was yours? I thought that--
Ward: Great. Thanks. Why did I even bother putting my initials on it?
Dean: Saliva is nature's glue.
Hank: And raisins are nature's candy!
Dr. Orpheus: Do not be too hasty entering that room. I had TACO BELL FOR LUNCH!! Expert witness, Dr. Byron Orpheus has arrived.
Hank: (examining the bathroom door from which Orpheus emerged) The hair's gone! A clue!
Dean: It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?
Brock: It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So... nice job. Case closed.
Dr. Venture: If I knew you could just call the cops on him, I would have done it years ago! Because I'm no sissy, no sir. I would just pick up that phone and... "Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit shooting my robot with a laser beam."
Brock: The police keep out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied them with new cruisers last year?
Dr. Venture: My tax dollars, for one.
Dean: Santa Claus, for two.
Phantom Limb: Control, delay order. We've lost full containment. I repeat, delay order.
Watch: Copy on delay. We are on standby.
Ward: Knew it.
Watch: I thought you went to the can.
Ward: I did. I'm back.
Watch: That was, like, ten seconds ago. What, are you pissing in the corner?
(Hank and Dean are saying 'Mech-Shiva' repeatedly in the background)
The Monarch: Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!
The Monarch: Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?
Tiny Attorney: Objection, your honor, leading.
The Monarch: I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?
Hank: No sir, I don't think so.
The Monarch: Yes you are!
Dean: You're the liar!
The Monarch: And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
Dr. Orpheus: How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.
(he pulls out the Necronomicon. Dr. Venture slaps himself on the head)
Dr. Orpheus: Keep your fingers clear of its mouth, he's a nibbler.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.
Dr. Orpheus: I SWEAR IT!
Tiny Attorney: Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?
Dr. Venture: Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!
Dr. Venture: (imitating a lounge singer) Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.
Judge: You're on thin ice here, but do you get off the ice? Hell no, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...
The Monarch: Peers?
Judge: (cont'd) ...to decide this.
The Monarch: PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh... and Bizarro Oscar Wilde as an alternate.
The Monarch: This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.
(flashback to The Monarch's floating cocoon)
The Monarch: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
#24: A book?
The Monarch: No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you: (reading) '...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid...'
#24: Told you!
#21: You told me he wouldn't find out.
#24: You're such a dick! You put his face on the cover!
The Monarch: (still reading) 'there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over... plucking her eyebrows.' Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me at Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!
Dr. Girlfriend: (examining her old outfit during a flashback) What are these hard chunks?
Phantom Limb: (momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.
The Monarch: (back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...
Dr. Venture: That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!
Judge: Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.
The Monarch: Okay, then who haven't you slept with? I'm sure that's a shorter list.
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh you are insane!
The Monarch: I'm insane? I'm insane?! Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.
Dr. Girlfriend: That was a party. Look at his lap, it's huge. There's, like, five of us on it.
The Monarch: Yeah, right. And here's one of you skinny-dipping with Jim Foetus!
Dr. Girlfriend: Let me see that, I don't remember...
The Monarch: And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb!
Dr. Girlfriend: All right, fine! I used to work for him, so what?
The Monarch: Holy crap! (holds book sideways, unraveling a fold-out) Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you?! It's tiny! I can see your...dirty pillows!
Dr. Girlfriend: I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.
The Monarch: You can't leave, I'm throwing you out! Get out of my cocoon, you WHORE!!!
Brock: Something big is going down. This place is crawling with Strangers.
Hank: You can't expect to know everybody.
Brock: No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
Dean: We gotta warn Pop!
Brock: No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.
Hank: And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.
Brock: Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
Dean: It's weird, right?
Brock: It's like he channels dead crazy people.
Hank: You think it's a cry for help?
Tiny Attorney: So. Mind readin'. Fascinatin'. Could you read the mind of, for instance, the Monarch?
Dr. Orpheus: If it would please the court...
The Monarch: Objection1 No way!
Judge: Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.
Dr. Venture: Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!
Tiny Attorney: I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.
Dr. Orpheus: Hug me!
The Monarch: Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.
The Monarch: (drunkenly addressing a big, muscular cop in a tight uniform) Listen, Officer Poncherello... my second in command just left me. So why don't you put your fat Tom of Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home?? This is none of your beeswax!!

Return to Spider-Skull Island

[edit]
Dr. Venture is rushed to the hospital to have a tumor removed, but the boys mistake his ailment for a pregnancy and decide to run away. After the operation, strange things begin to happen, including the accidental deaths of Hank and Dean Venture.
The Monarch: Look, you two, I'm dying in here. Have you heard anything from Dr. Girlfriend?
#21: We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.
The Monarch: Did you try the cellular phone?
#24: Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter. It's just that...
The Monarch: Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters?
#21: Not yet.
The Monarch: Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine?
#21: Yes.
The Monarch: Rewound and returned the director's cut of Working Girl?
#24: We tried, but..
The Monarch: Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild?
#21: Yep.
The Monarch: Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Stryrofoam packing peanuts?
#24: No.
The Monarch: Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children?
#21: Check!
The Monarch: Have you... KILLED THE VENTURE BROTHERS?!
Dr. Orpheus: Who wants PIZZA ROLLS?
Dean: I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...
Hank: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.
Dr. Orpheus: Pumpkin, get me my cloak!
Triana Orpheus: Why don't you wear the ...
Dr. Orpheus: Alright fine. GET ME MY BLUE WINDBREAKER!
Waitress: What can I get you?
Dr. Orpheus: Well, you see, I made this purchase of a homeboy from your vending machine.
Dr. Orpheus: Consider this your final warning. You do not know the risk you are taking. For a whisper from my lips could open your mind to a world of arcane tortures!
The Monarch: You're probably wondering why you're here, YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU DONE FUCKED UP TOO MANY TIMES! You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a dixie cup! And if you keep like you've been doin', this is where heading.
Random Guy: (snickering)
The Monarch: Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.
Random Guy: This is totally gay.
The Monarch: What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)

The Monarch: You - get up! I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?

Dean: Dean Ven...
The Monarch: YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! (pause) Holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back, here's your cigarette.
King Gorilla: Fuck you, gimme a dollar!
The Monarch: What the fuck are you boys doing in the big house?
Dean: Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.
Hank: And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.
The Monarch: You shouldn't even be alive!
Dean: Huh?
The Monarch: I put out a hit on you. Super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.
The Monarch: You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of fucking animals. (Hank opens his mouth) I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. (Hank opens his mouth again) No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.
Dean: (sighs) This was a big mistake.
The Monarch: Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.
Hank: Fuck that shit!
Dean: Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!
Hank: Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.
Dean: I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.
The Monarch: Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?
Dr. Venture: What else do you want? Do you want Dean? You could have Dean. He could carry you on his back, like Master Blaster.
Waitress: What'll it be, sugar?
Dr. Orpheus: Your flask of sugar appears to be filled. But your concern is noted; now please, stand to the side.
Dr. Orpheus: That's a Home Boy. But be careful, that houses the souls of TWO FOULMOUTHED REDNECKS!!!
(after the boys have been shot to death)
Dr. Venture: All right... get their clothes.
Doctor: Sorry sir, medical personnel only beyond this point.
Brock: I go where he goes.
Doctor: Oh... you must be his "partner" then?
Brock: Not really, it's more like I work for him...WAIT A MINUTE - NO!!
Dr. Venture: What would I do without you, Brock?
Brock: (nonchalantly) You'd be dead.
E.R. Doctor: Well I have good news...
Dr. Venture: Oh, thank...
E.R. Doctor: And bad news.
Dr. Venture: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! (relaxes) Okay fine! Hit me with it, don't soft soap me. Give it to me straight, I can take it.
E.R. Doctor: The good news is the operation was a success. We were able to remove the entire tumor from your midsection.
Dr. Venture: (to Brock as if comforting him) See, you big worry wart?
Brock: What's the bad news?
E.R. Doctor: I... ah geez... This is very hard.
Dr. Venture: Oh god. It's the big C, isn't it? (to Brock) You did this to me! All that second hand smoke!! You should be the one in this bed, mister!!!
E.R. Doctor: No no no, Dr. Venture! The tumor was benign, it's just that... well... (clears throat) We cannot find it.
Dr. Venture: What do you mean you can't find it?
E.R. Doctor: Well, we took it out, and i don't know. When I finished sewing you up, I turned around and it was just gone!
Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) Gone. Well, I want a second opinion! Oh, wait, I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving!
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