The Venture Bros. (season 3)

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The following is a list of quotes from the third season of The Venture Bros.

Shadowman 9: In the Cradle of Destiny[edit]

After their short honeymoon, the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend are captured by the Guild to face questioning by the Council of Thirteen related to the traitor, Phantom Limb. Much of their history as villains is also revealed. Meanwhile, Dr. Girlfriend's Murderous Moppets takeover the Monarch's henchmen to rebuild his cocoon fortress.

[The Monarch's henchmen are standing in the remains of the cocoon]
#24: Well, they're gone. Now what the hell do we do?
#21: We forge our own destiny. We are as ronin — wandering samurai without a master.
Tim-Tom Moppet: Wrong. We're your master now.
#21: What? Says who? Who died and put you in charge?
Tim-Tom Moppet: Need we point out the obvious? Kevin...
Kevin Moppet: Henchman #2, front and center! [everyone looks around] Okay, #3, step forward. Henchmen 4, 5, henchman 6...
Tim-Tom Moppet: You see? Bet there isn't even anyone here over, what, an 18? Whereas Kevin and I were Dr. Girlfriend's number 2s!
#24: Our numbers are ranks?

[Dr. Girlfriend and the Monarch are being interrogated by the Council of Thirteen in separate rooms]
Dr. Girlfriend: You can't do this to us. Where's the Monarch?
Councilman 1: You will see him soon enough.
Councilman 3: Only after the Guild of Calamitous Intent is satisfied. You know why you are here.
The Monarch: No clue! Few hours ago I was in my floating escape bed- repeatedly consumating my marriage -and the next thing I know your super creeps are blindfolding us and dragging us here to get shot at!
Councilman 9: This is the way these things are done.
Councilman 2: And in light of recent events we need to be sure we can trust you.
Dr. Girlfriend: Trust us? You were the ones who promoted him all these years.
Councilman 3: There's no reason to get defensive.
Councilman 8: We just have some questions for you; tell us about the traitor Phantom Limb.
The Monarch: I know he wears an awful lot of purple for a white guy. What else you wanna know?

Phantom Limb: Behold! [he drops his pants to reveal his invisible legs]
Dr. Girlfriend: What...happened to your legs?
Phantom Limb: What do you know...of evil?
Dr. Girlfriend: Why? You...'eviled' your legs?
Phantom Limb: Evil is misunderstood. Society slaps our wrists and tells us to simmer down while she wages her murderous wars, destroys our planet, and prays to the mighty dollar.
Dr. Girlfriend: And then she made your legs invisible?

The Monarch: Oh man, if that shows up on YouTube...I...I'm serious, what kind of torture is this? Couldn't you just drill my teeth or shove bamboo under my nails or something?
Councilman 9: This is not a torture, Mr. Monarch.
Councilman 8: It is an interrogation.
Councilman 3: Or a trial of sorts.
Councilman 9: I always say, it's a crucible.
Councilman 8: Oh, that's way cooler.

Watch: Welcome to the Citadel of Attribution. My name is Watch. I will be the only human face you will see, speak to...and enjoy.
Dr. Girlfriend: Okay...
Ward: [walking in, eating chips] So that's Lady Au Pair.
Watch: Dude, get out of here. She's not supposed to see anybody but me.
Ward: Really?
Watch: No, I'm making that up. Yes, really!
Ward: Oh, should I put on my hood?
Watch: Forget it. She already saw your face. You might as well stay.
Ward: Good.

The Monarch: W-wait. Did that video have a wipe?
Councilman 2: Councilman 3 got Adobe Premiere.
Councilman 3: Was it too showy? I thought it would make it more lively.
The Monarch: And why did you change the music??"
Councilman 4:: Pardon...?
The Monarch:: A man remembers what was on his car radio when he taps his future wife. That was not the song.
Councilman 4:: Oh, we couldn't afford the rights.
Councilman 5:: Einar's lawyers were ready to sign, but Bjork's lawyers wouldn't budge!

Manotaur: What, is this some kind of revenge hit? I'm retired from archvillainy!
Phantom Limb: No-one retires from Phantom Limb's shit-list!

The Doctor Is Sin[edit]

Dr. Henry Killinger: I am Doctor Henry Killinger and this...is my resume.

[Dr. Orpheus is trying to read Dr. Killinger's mind]
Dr. Henry Killinger: Your powers are useless on me, you silly billy.

Dr. Venture: (somberly) Brock... am I a bad person?
Brock: Doc, what the hell just hap...
Dr. Venture: Am I, Brock?
Brock: (pauses, then rocks his hand in a "kind of" gesture) Ehhhh......

[After his weapon mis-fires]
The Alchemist: I swear, this has NEVER happened before...

Master Billy Quizboy: [reading] "Notice of hostile takeover"? Venture— what a dick! Wait, we're not even a publicly traded company.
Pete White: Oh, FYI, I issued some shares back when we needed cash for the Nintendo Wii.

Dr. Henry Killinger: You will never be able to reach your full potential until you first confront your deep-seated fear of success. Now get into the bag.
Dr. Venture: What's in it?
Dr. Henry Killinger: Only what you take with you.

Dr. Orpheus: Have you not the eyes to see what he is doing? I've touched his mind! His is the way of the serpent and the apple. He seduced your employer with the poisoned promises of a Faustian covenant, giving with one hand as he macerates your souls with the other! We must stop him at once!

Dr. Venture: What the hell am I signing, a zeppelin?
Dr. Henry Killinger: A most sacred pact: membership in the most elite brotherhood, mit exclusive arching rights.
Dr. Venture: Didn't have to go through all this hooey to get my first archenemy, but what the hey? Did you pick me a good one?
Dr. Henry Killinger: No, you did.
Dr. Venture: [Looking at the video-screen] What...my brother?
Dr. Henry Killinger: Bingo! Isn't it perfect? It's a classic Cain-und-Abel story.
Dr. Venture: But...but he can't arch me, he's not even a super... [The reality dawns on him] Oh, my God, this is...but I'm not a...
Dr. Henry Killinger: Aren't you? Is this not what your heart was trying to tell you in your visions? Sign it. Make your blood feud official! Act now! Venchmen are standing by for your order!

[Dr. Killinger appears in the stars and quotes from Shakespeare's "As You Like It."]
Dr. Killinger: All the vorld's a stage, und all the men und women mearly players. They have their entrences und exits, und one man in his time plays many parts. His acts being seven ages...
[General Manhours appears with him.]
Gen. Manhours: Heheh, you said it, Killer! And you can read more about it in The Bible!

The Invisible Hand of Fate[edit]

Billy Quizboy: White, I just remembered something...
Pete White: What?
Billy Quizboy: Everything...

Pete White: Hello, Goldilocks? This is Casper. Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.

Dr. Venture: Barkeep! Another 'Suffering Bastard', if you please. [He falls down, recieving a call on his watch] ...Hello?
Myra: How could you just leave like that without telling me where you're going?
Dr. Venture: You're not my mother, you're my bodyguard.
Myra: How can I guard your body if I can't be close to your body?!
Dr. Venture: Oh, God. Barkeep, where's that Suffering Bastard?
Bartender: I'm looking at him!
Dr. Venture: Oh Ha, Ha...

Recorded Voice: Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage... the Nozzle. Please do not move while the Nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of... the Nozzle. Please wait while we calibrate... the Nozzle. Please do not look away from... the Nozzle. The Nozzle is now calibrating. (long pause) The Nozzle is still calibrating. The Nozzle has completed calibration. Thank you.
The Nozzle retracts into the wall, without actually seeming to do anything to Billy, then Brock and Hunter enter the room.
Billy Quizboy: What the Hell was that?
Col. Hunter Gathers: I have no idea...

Billy: ...You saw what he said, he’s not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent. It’s like a businessman’s club or something.
Gathers: That’s what they said about the Bilderberg Group, son… and then whammo! Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
Billy: No it hasn’t.
Gathers: Oh, it will, kiddo. It was decided at the last meeting.

Shore Leave: Oh, and Hunter, Wayland Flowers called, and he wants his Madam back. BOOM!
Col. Hunter Gathers: Yeah? Well, the Village People called, AND THEY WANT YOU TO GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU PRANCING BASTARD!

After an insulting encounter with OSI agents in flamboyant costumes, resembling the Village People.
Col. Hunter Gathers: This place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich since they eighty-sixed the dress code.

Brock: Just keep it up, Billy. We're getting some excellent intel out of you!
Billy: What intel? I've been here a day! I haven't done any spying yet!
Col. Gathers: Sure you have! That new eye of yours? It's actually a 3-D laser-matrix holographic camera! (indicating Billy's mechanical hand) And this little pud puller stores all the data!
Billy: You guys wired me?
Col. Gathers: Are you kidding? Why, you're a walking wire! And right now, you need to walk back in there and do you God-given duty! There are no free hands in this business, son!

Prof. Fantomos: (covering when Billy is at the door) I'm...sorry, Sheila, but if I extend the deadline for one student, I'd have to extend it for all of them.
Sheila: Well, thank you anyway, Professor Fantomos.

[Billy finds out that the O.S.I. has been doing his homework for him so he is free to spy.]
Billy: But that's cheating!
Col. Gathers: Cheating is what the spy business is all about, boychik. Why, if we don't keep our eyes on our neighbor's paper, the baddies get the bomb and the whole world goes kablooie! You keep thinking you're here on the G.I. Bill or something, kid? YOU ARE NOT HERE TO WRITE ESSAYS! You're not even in college! You are in the Office of Secret Intelligence, you damn, dirty, crybaby FREAK!

Prof. Fantomas: Ahh! Young Mr. Wheylen! Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy. I was trying to teach your more punctual peers.
Billy Quizboy: Sorry Professor... Fantomos. I had trouble finding the building.
Prof. Fantomas: Yes, yes. It’s a great big new world for you! And Mr. Quizboy I heard you were recently exonerated, but allow me to impress one thing upon you, we do not tolerate cheating at State University. The punishment, is severe!

Col. Gathers: Congratulations lad, you’re a fully matriculated student at State University.
Billy Quizboy: I kinda wanted to go to MIT
Col. Gathers: [Rips open his shirt] And I wanted to be born with big, beautiful TITS! [to Brock] Make some lemonade with this, will you?

Home Is Where The Hate Is[edit]

As the Monarch and Dr. Mrs. the Monarch settle into their new home and a new, no-more-arching-Dr.-Venture-anymore life, Dr. Venture receives an unorthodox introduction to his new Guild-assigned nemesis, which quickly lands him in the center of the deadly web that is the suburban supervillain community.


Dr. Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing?!
The Monarch: I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett making her big comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not gonna sleep in the bed you pleasured Phantom Limb in. I'm burning the bed and—what are these, Little League trophies, and all these self-help books?
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, sell them! Do you have to burn 'em, it's insane!
The Monarch: You know what's insane? The fact that you slept with a guy who read The Secret You want the Secret? Your ex-boyfriend's pathetic. (whispers) Shh, don't tell anyone. Secret.

[Sgt. Hatred leaves the Venture Compound after introducing himself and says goodbye by pulling a gun and shooting Dr. Venture.]
Brock: (advancing on Hatred) Hey, hey!!
Sgt. Hatred: Woah, rubber bullets, rubber bullets! Just keepin' it lively! It's not all charts and schedules and...
[Hatred and Brock look down to see Dr. Venture curled up and bleeding profusely.]
Sgt. Hatred: Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he? They don't usually break the skin like that. (into his comlink) Malice Troop!
Malice Troop: Sir?
Sgt. Hatred: Yeah, we got a bleeder here. Eighty-six the non-lethal. We're goin' full Nerf on this one!

#21: Hey! How ya feelin'?
#24: Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me. How do you think I feel? Didja bring my.... magazines...?
#21: No, but I brought something way better! I got somebody here who came to cheer you up!
#24: (excited) He remembered??
(Dean, wearing a ridiculous Patch Adams costume, enters the room)
Dean Venture: Hey there, glum chum!
#21: (struggling not to laugh) Well, I'll leave you two to catch up!
Dean Venture: Good idea! This area is officially quarantined. Because smiles are contagious!
#24: (tersely, to #21) I HATE you...

(Sergeant Hatred's guests are playing a party game where they have to guess the celebrity name written on a tag on their back, based on comments from other guests.)
Female Supervillian: You are married to a powerful man...
Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... Mrs. Hulk Hogan?
Female Supervillian: No. Let's see... you are famous for your pink dresses and pillbox hats...
Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... me?
(later)
Tuxedo-wearing Supervillian: I loved you in "Fire Walk With Me," but most know your work from...
Brock: (obviously very bored) Yeah, fine, whatever. (Pulls off his own tag and reads it to the room) I'm Harry Dean Stanton!
(everyone checks their tags)
Dr. Girlfriend: Huh? Who the heck is.... Jack-a-leen Oh-nass-is?

(The Monarch during Sergeant Hatred's party game)
The Monarch: You're a brainless failure and live entirely off your father's name and fortune!
Dr. Venture: I'm George Bush?
The Monarch: Hardly! I've never never hated anyone as much as you!
Dr. Venture: Oh wait wait. Hitler? Did he have a famous father?
The Monarch: Worse! Washup! You should just admit that you will never amount to anything and drink, poison!
Dr. Venture: Oh is it... uh... Socrates son?
(After Brock ends the game)
Dr. Venture: Ahh of course, Mariah Carey. So close. Seriously, I would have gotten that.

[Everyone is playing Charades. Dr. Venture flaps his arms wildly like a chicken.]
Dr. Girlfriend: Um..."Birdman of Alcatraz!"
The Monarch: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!"
Dr. Girlfriend: Um...let's see, bird...
The Monarch: We know he's a bird! He's been doing the same thing for five fucking minutes! Okay, my God! Go to the next word! Give me a "sounds like!" YOU'RE KILLING ME!

[#21 and Hank are outside the window of The Monarch's house spying on Kevin & Tim-Tom watching a movie]
Hank: That’s your big problem? Your scared of two little babies?
#21: Dude! Get back, they’ll see you.
Hank: You got me all worked up. You said they had claws!
#21: Get back! Alright, I exaggerated it a little. Did you see what they did to #24? They’re like nasty swearing spider-monkeys with knives.
Hank: Holy smokes! That lady is wearing her birthday suit! I think they’re watching, no-no movies.
#21: They’re not, they’re watching Nell. And that’s my DVD.
Hank: Dude! I think I just saw Shindler's Dingess.
#21: Shhh...

The Monarch: Are you smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: Who?
The Monarch: You!
Dr. Girlfriend: Why?
The Monarch: What-why? Are you smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: Maybe…
The Monarch: What?! When did you start smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: 198-9ish?
The Monarch: So you have been lying! It all makes sense, the filled ash trays, the burning pine scented hair sprays…
Sgt. Hatred: I guess I’ll be the one to say it, her three-pack-a-day voice.

#21: Could you sign this, boss? It’s for 24, he got knifed by the Moppets.
The Monarch: Which one is 24 again?
#21: What?! You’re kidding, right? Let me give a hint: you know how every time you talk to me, there’s usually another guy next to me. That’s 24.
The Monarch: Right, right, right, the one that sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.

Dr. Girlfriend: No no no, no apologies necessary. To all fair and love & war.
Dr. Venture: I just assumed that magic we share that night was something that was bigger than the both of us.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: Well if it did happen, that was only because I didn’t know who you were.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: And not many women have... hit on me because of my fame.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: And some just sense the inner-animal, pheromones. Ladies pick up on it.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happened.
Dr. Venture: Are you sensing anything now?... I smell perhaps, meow!

The Buddy System[edit]

Dr. Venture, in a bid to make some much-needed money, opens up the compound as "Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers." But while the children are kept busy with activities like judo lessons from Brock and quizzing with Master Billy Quizboy, the Monarch sends in the Murderous Moppets to spy on his former arch-nemesis.


Opening Title Text: Camp size has been estimated based on a survey conducted in 1978. All camps created after cited survey have not been taken into consideration. Rusty's day Camp is a privately owned camp. Therefore any and all children residing on the premises are to be considered trespassers. Rusty's Day Camp holds the right to prosecute any or all trespassers that do not uphold the rules and regulations stipulated in the supplied document entitled "I'm A Good Day Camper".

Dr. Venture: Hey, kids! It's time for adventure - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers! The largest privately-run day camp for budding super-scientists in the area! Learn adventuring from pros like Action Johnny, Master Billy Quizboy, and of course, me - Rusty Venture! Star of the "Rusty Venture" cartoon! Tell Mom you need excitement! Tell Dad you need a cashier's check! And we'll see you there - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers!

Dr. Venture: [as the Moppets pass by] Some people just shouldn't breed. Those're some ugly kids.
Brock: Kids? You're kiddin' right? They're achondroplastic dwarves.
Dr. Venture: And they're almost as good as you or I and they deserve this camp as much as any kid here. You're such a racist.
Brock: They're not really a race, doc.
Dr. Venture: Will you listen to yourself, Hitler?

Dr. Venture: Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!
Hank: But I wanna show my new friend-
Dr. Venture: This isn't all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there's a cartoon called 'The Venture Brothers' it'll be different.

Pirate Captain: We can't all be famous adventurers, but that doesn't mean you have to be out of the adventure game all together.
Day Camper: You mean becoming supervillians?
Pirate Captain: Shiver me timbers, no! I'm talkin' about the "rubber mask" set. The Little Guys.
Day Camper: Do we get to wear cool costumes?
Pirate Captain: You betcha do. If you run a museum, you get yourself a glowin' suit of armor. You wanna protect your gold from meddlin' kids? You might try a Ghost-Miner-Forty-Niner. Look at me, I look like Johnny Depp!
[The boys cheer excitedly]
Pirate Captain: Oh, and that's not all. Sometimes you get to hang out with people who were famous once, like Cher and the guy who did the voice for Inspector Gadget.

[The Order of the Triad put on a safety sketch...]
Jefferson Twilight: Killin' Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what's really cool? Safety!
Dr. Orpheus: The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!
The Alchemist: Enemies...of safety!
Jefferson Twilight: One of our enemies is invisible!
Dr. Orpheus: And he can enter any home through the ground! He's waiting for you right now in the basement!
The Alchemist: His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!
Jefferson Twilight: Lung cancer? But, Al, I don't smoke!
Dr. Orpheus: Of course you don't, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we'd know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!
The Alchemist: With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn't work, the silence...
All: Could be deadly!
[They bow. As they look up, they notice that all of the children have gone.]
Jefferson Twilight: When did we lose 'em?
Dr. Orpheus: That was my fault. I really hit them with that "radon" part.
The Alchemist: We never get to my song!

Action Johnny: How many you have fathers? Show of hands.
[All of the children, save one, raise their hands.]
Action Johnny: Hey, kid. Why's your hand not up? What, no father? You don't look like Jesus, bro!
Kid: My daddy died. While I was sleeping.
Action Johnny: Oh, well you had a father. So now you're fuckin' free, man! C'mon, I wanna see those hands up! *gasp* Wait a minute. Action Johnny's hand isn't up! Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are loving and caring and protective men, and I don't have one of those! But who cares, man? (breaking down) Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Maybe I did kill the dog! Maybe I was the Lizard Man who stole your precious serum! You loved that serum more than you loved me!! (falling to his knees) FATHER!!!! FATHER!!!!!
[Brock and Dr. Venture watch from a distance.]
Brock: I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard.

[On the tram ride...]
Dr. Venture: We're going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, "Hi, buddy!"
Boys: (doing so) Hi, buddy!
Dr. Venture: If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydroflouric acid, it's your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations!

[Dr. Venture and Billy Quizboy are confronted by a giant gorilla...]
Billy Quizboy: Don't move! They can smell fear...
Dr. Venture: Can they smell urine?
Billy Quizboy: That's like liquid fear!

[Master Billy Quizboy has been mauled by a giant gorilla...]
Billy: I jettisoned the hand and got away, but...I wasn't alone in there. (holding up a child's shoe) We lost one!
Dr. Venture: Well, where was his buddy? He had a buddy, they all had buddies!
Billy: Rusty, I just saw a little kid get disemboweled!
Dr. Venture: Well, you always wanted to be an adventurer! Not like answering trivia, is it, boy?

Tim-Tom Moppet: (gleefully) A hit, eh? You want us to make 'im suffer? Or just end it, quick and quiet-like?
Brock: Nah, nothin' permanent... just, like, give him a little taste of fear. I guess you can break something small... like a toe...
Tim-Tom Moppet: We can take out his tongue..
Kevin Moppet: (with relish) With a knife!
Tim-Tom Moppet: Or remove 'is 'eart...
Kevin Moppet: (with great relish) Yeah, with a knife!
Tim-Tom Moppet: A bigger knife!
Kevin Moppet: (with greater relish) Fucking knife!
Brock: (a touch uneasy) Yeeeeahhhhhhh.... you guys....are....kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea.

Tim-Tom Moppet: How'dwe do, mum?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Great! My little moppets were perfect like always! Come give your lady a hug.
(She squats down and hugs them to her large breasts)
Tim-Tom Moppet: (leering at her breasts) I like yer new costume, mum...
Kevin Moppet: (also leering) I like huggin you in your new costume....
(Pans back, showing both of the Moppets lecherously rubbing her back)
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ok you two. Time to stop...

Dr. Quymn, Medicine Woman[edit]

(Dr. Jonas Venture greets Col. Gentleman and his wife at the door.)
Col. Gentleman: Col. Fun has arrived! (taking the drink from Jonas's hand) Ah, you read my mind. I need a stiff one in me after that car ride. Never let a woman drive your Aston, Jonas. This one handles a stick like it's got herpes!
Ms. Quymn: Who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in...
Dr. Jonas Venture: Ms. Quymn (he kisses her hand)
Col. Gentleman: More like Ms. Bollocks baster. If she won't take my name maybe she'll take a smack in her smart mouth!
Ms. Quymn: Try me. [Col. Gentleman kisses her on the cheek]]

Dean: Hank, are you listening to me?
Hank: Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.
Dean: Would you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve!
Hank: Well then we should team up. With the girls!
Dean: We can't! They're ... they're suspects.
Hank: Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what's your hurry?
Dean: What's your slowy?! You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all 'Go Team Venture!' but now ... now you're all 'Go Team ... b- Boobies!'

[Dr. Venture and Dr. Quymn are about to make love.]
Dr. Venture: Looks like I found my cure for impotence after all! Now if I could figure out a way to bottle that ass, I'd be a multi-millionaire!

Dean: Dr. Quymn is the wereodile!
Dr. Venture: She's- oh my god! I almost fucked a wereodile!
Dean: We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! (he picks up a chair and begins to hit Dr. Quymn with it over and over)
Dean: The power of Christ compels you! (Ginnie springs into action and pushes Dean away)
Ginnie: Stop it you little asshole! She's not a wereodile, she's an epileptic.
Dr. Venture: Ew!

Dr Quymn: ...Pity your father also didn’t teach you not to steal Fertility Idols from irritable headhunters.
Dr Venture: Oh, that... I’ve been researching alternative cures for impotence... not for me, of course.
Dr Quymn: Have you not tried Viagra?
Dr Venture: It makes me... my customers; headaches, nausea, dyspepsia and/or diarrhea. Anyway, enough shop-talk, how have you’ve been?

What Goes Down, Must Come Up[edit]

Hank Venture: There was even talk of french toast! But there was none to be had.

Dr.Orpheus: I fear this is beyond our combined powers. I must seek guidance from The Master! Wait here, please.
Alchemist : Oh c'mon! We're supposed to be a team. How come we never get to see this all-knowing guy with you?
Jefferson Twilight : Yeah, tell the truth is it because you're embarassed of us. Its because he's gay, isn't it? (points at Al)
Dr.Orpheus: No, its because you soiled yourself...and he's gay [disappears in smoke]

Jefferson Twilight: Damn it, Orpheus! I almost had that bloodsucker. Aww, now I got the blue balls in my blood eye.

Jefferson Twilight: I go where the blacktion is.

Jefferson Twilight: [bitterly] You're not my mama. She was taken by marauding blackulas when I was 10.

Dr. Entmann: And let me tell you somethin' about ants! You know that whole "Ants can lift a hundred times their own weight" thing? It's a myth! Think about it. What's an ant weigh? Like, nothin'. What nothin' times a hundred?
Brock: Uh...nothin'?
Dr. Entmann: It's nothin'!

Dr. Orpheus: Perhaps I should cast a spell of protection on the machine.
Jefferson Twilight: No! No magic! Remember what happened last time? I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk outta here in Aquaman Underoos!

Dr. Venture: That’s it, just like that, easy. Pull back a bit, god, your right on top of me.
Brock: I can’t help it... it’s stiff, doc. Maybe I should lube this thing up before we take it down there.
Dr. Venture: It’ll be fine. It’s not built for speed, it’s built for deep penetration.
Brock: All right, that’s it. You promise no penetration jokes.
Dr. Venture: Oh come on, look at that thing! How can I resist? Its practically a monument to my father’s repression.

Dr. Orpheus: It appears your father was engage in some sort of experiment, but why would he abandon it in such haste?
Hank: He gets bored pretty easy.
Dean: And rarely tidys his work area.
Hank: Hey do you think maybe, now I'm going out on a limb here, they went, down there?
[Hank points to the basement]
Dr. Orpheus: You... you mean, you didn’t check?
Dean: Are you kidding? That’s like, the basement!
Hank: It’s super spooky down there!
Dr. Orpheus: Oh dear god.
Hank: Why else would we call magic guys to help us look!
Jefferson Twilight: Oh no, no no no! 16 years old!

Jefferson Twilight: [Sarcastically] "Triad emergency."
Dr. Orpheus: I said I was sorry. The boys a very, active imaginations. They're given to flights of fancy.
The Alchemist: Yes, the little imps have certainly skylarked us into a mare's nest this time.
Jefferson Twilight: The skinny one thinking he has a shot at his daughter, now that’s an active imagination.

The Alchemist: Sweet, the action-figures came?
Jefferson Twilight: Finally, merchandising. That’s where the real money's at.
The Alchemist: Cha-ching.
Dr. Orpheus: Actually, Hasbro passed. These I made myself.
Jefferson Twilight: Hmm, nice work. A little on the creepy side but... You sculpt these yourself?
Dr. Orpheus: Oh heavens no. I merely repainted a old MEGO-doll of The Falcon.
Jefferson Twilight: Argh.
The Alchemist: Would you rather be Spock with a bald spot, I’ll trade you!

Jefferson Twilight: Orpheus, you drag us into this BS, so how do you wanna go out? Sitting in a peep-booth waiting for some Atari bitch to tell you Game-Over, or do you wanna finish what you started?
Dr. Orpheus: What do you mean?
Jefferson Twilight: I mean we already know where they're at, so lets go get them.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, yes.
The Alchemist: Yeah-yeah, Player-3 buying in.

M.U.T.H.E.R: Where is Dr. Venture?
Brock: Don’t worry, I found him, he’s right here. And, he wants to talk to you too.
[Entmann puts in the video-card]
Jonas Venture [On TV]: Oh, hello Rusty!
M.U.T.H.E.R: No, Dr. Venture, It’s M.U.T.H.E.R.
Jonas Venture [On TV] : You’re looking well. Enjoying your new life below ground?
M.U.T.H.E.R: No, Dr. Venture, we have much to talk about.
Jonas Venture [On TV] : Ha-ha, good. Because today I like to talk to you about personal hygiene.
M.U.T.H.E.R: Oh OK.

Tears of a Sea Cow[edit]

Dr. Dugong: Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist. He seeks love! He just doesn't know where to look. He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe. He should look to nature! Gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers!

The Monarch: (upon seeing Dr. Dugong for the first time) Ugh, you're all flesh-colored and...how much Thalidomide did your mom take?

Dermott: You guys are sad. Why'd he decide to leave you here in the first place?
Hank:' Something about the conference having hot, desperate women.
Dean: And we had a bad run-in with the hot lava men of Tanga Island, so I can imagine how dangerous their women get when they're desperate!

The Monarch: I had true hatred with Venture. I didn't have to fake it! That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face. I just...I just wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine TO KICK HIS ASS!
Henchman 24: Then, by God, let's go take a dump in his pool!

Henchman 21: Dude I can't believe we didn't get blown up. We're like those guys on TV who never get shot. Yeah we're like main characters.
Henchman 24: Don't jinx it! See anything?
Henchman 21: No I can't see squat with these tinted goggles on.
Henchman 24: Douche, use the night vision. What's wrong with you? (he hits 21 on the side of his head and 21's night vision goggles turn on)
Henchman 21: I can see everything! This is so cool, when did we get these?
Henchman 24: Like, 1994.
Henchman 21: Why don't I know this stuff?! Hey this is so rad. It's like Blair Witch-o-vision. Those kids' eyes look all glowy.
Henchman 24: What kids?
Henchman 21: Those two right over there!
Henchman 24: What are you doing, get them!

Kevin: Why can't we get a straight answer?
Tim-Tom: I just saw mum's clean panties.
Kevin: Oh, when she was crouching? I tried not to look. Were they-
Tim-Tom: They were white panties, Kevin. White.
Kevin: (sighs) White.

(Henchman 24 chases and tackles Dermott, who immediately starts to cough on him.)
Henchman 24: What the hell are you doing?
Dermott: I'm givin' you my earth germs! *cough, cough* I'm gonna kill you with my cold. *cough* Die, alien!
Henchman 24: I'm not an alien, dillweed. I'm a henchman! And you're not a Venture Brother. Who the hell are you?
Dermott: I'm Hank's friend.
Henchman 24: Yeah, I doubt that.
Dermott: Would you believe I'm... Brock Samson's long lost son?
Henchman 24: If that were true, I don't think I would have caught you this easily.
Dermott: I couldn't run because ...I had a lighter up my ass.
Henchman 24: Ok, NOW I believe you're Hank's friend.

Henchman 21;: If I had a lady like your wife, I'd be with her right now and I'd be brushing her hair and then we'd explore our feelings.
The Monarch: If you had a lady like my wife, you would be in an alternate future where dogs talk and birds have human pets.

Now Museum, Now You Don't[edit]

[Action Man flies in, guns blazing]
Action Man: Actiooooon!
[He violently guns down several henchmen]
Action Man: Action! Action! Action!
Col. Gentleman: Whoa-whoa-whoa Rodney, what the hell are you doing?
Action Man: What!? I'm winning the day!
Col. Gentleman: Well take it down a notch! I mean, Ook-Ook's a mindless savage. And even he knows when to pull his punches!

[The Pirate Captain walks in on Sally Impossible while she's getting out of the shower. They both scream, and Sally's skin turns invisible, revealing her musculature. The Pirate Captain screams and runs out]
Pirate Captain: Oh, man. This is all kinds of uncomfortable. On, like, a couple of levels!

[Ned jumps into the rear seat of Professor Impossible's aircraft]
Ned: Ya! Super-car go! Go car!

Action Man: I can't believe you slept with... Killermanjaro! I had no idea he...
Col. Gentleman: Neither did he, 'til the day he tried to ambush me in the middle of a threesome with Gore Vidal and Wally Schirra.

Brainulo: [Telepathically] You fantasize about conquering... the mother from Growing Pains?!
Pete White: Oh, yeah, that episode where they showed her in the bathtub?

Dr. Venture: This is gonna be one of those things, isn't it?
Brock: Uh-huh.
Dr. Venture: I mean, you get a bunch of short-fused, costumed idiots together in one room like this, and what do you think's gonna happen? Any minute now, stuff's gonna start blowing up, guys'll be throwing each other at other guys.
Brock: Yeah, probably.
Dr. Venture: You know, when you're not the one in the middle of it all for once, it's actually totally, completely obvious.
Brock: Welcome to my life.

Dr. Venture: ...but it's a melee, you live for that crap!
Brock: I'm your bodyguard, not your brother's. He can put out his own fire.

Dr. Venture: It’s too bad Col. Gentlemen couldn’t be here to basks in the glory with you. Oh, or did you guys get him killed too?
[Col. Gentlemen taps Dr. Venture on the shoulders and punches him in the face]
Dean: Its the ghost of Col. Gentlemen!
Col. Gentlemen: Thats for breaking my step-daughter’s heart.
Brock: Hey-hey-hey hey, now!
Col. Gentlemen: Don’t you try it Prince Adam, this old panther's still got moves that will make your mullet spin.
Dean: But, you’re suppose to be dead?
Col. Gentlemen: Nonsense, I'm a Ox.

Dr. Venture: Wait, Brock, don’t. We have to go back.
Brock: What?
Dr. Venture: He’s family and he’s in trouble. He needs us.
Brock: [Laughs] Get the fuck out of here.
Dr. Venture: Hah-hah. Had you going for a minute there, didn’t I? Huh!
Brock: Yeah.
Dr. Venture: Had you going.
Brock: Yeah, yeah.

Jonas Venture Jr.: Hey fellas, if I can get you to gather in the next room for a moment, I like to... What is this? Are you selling autographs?
Action Man: Like gangbusters. We made table-money in like the first five minutes.
Jonas Venture Jr.: You can’t do that here. You’re cheapening the memory.
Col. Gentlemen: Listen Pot-Noodle, we are the memory, OK. Now I saw your "suggested donation box" on the way in. So unless your giving us a cut at the door, I suggest you go rouse Spider-man and the Great Gazoo over there.
Scaramantula: [On the other table] Look at them, ratting us out to the man. Cowards!

[The old Team Venture and Brainula are on the boat heading towards Spider-Skull Island]
Brainulo: I remember, when this was all under water.
Action Man: Thats always sad when that happens.

The Lepidopterists[edit]

Ned: I'M FLYING!!! MAKE A HAPPY SMILE!!

The Cocoon's lightning cannon seems to have actually invigorated Ventronic
The Monarch: (disappointed) Ohhh! Our lightning cannon SUCKS! Who loaded it with robot food?!

The Monarch: What the fuck is that thing?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ummm, I think it's a giant robot with a ice cream cone for one of its arms. I think.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I gotta ask this, is there a reason why you are always using 21 and 24?
The Monarch: I know it sounds crazy, but they both have the rare blend of expendable and invulnerable that makes them the perfect henchmen.

(Admiring Scaramantula's classic death ray cannon)
Brock: Aww no fuckin' way! Late 60's ultra death ray! She's amazing! Saddle operated with Doom-code gearing. Freakin' gorgeous.
Mr. Cardholder: If this were a woman, I'd marry it.
Mr. Doe: And I'd jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife.

Brock: So you just wanna kill the Monarch? You want to shoot him, and his wife? You could take his cattle, burn his village down.

Ward: The Guild of Calamitous Intent is antagonist relations only.
Jonas Venture Jr: So who handles the good guys?
Watch: Whoa! (offended) I think the less hurtful term is protagonists.
Jonas Venture Jr: Oh. Yes. Sorry. Who handles the protagonists?
Ward: What, are you serious? OSI! Duh!
Jonas Venture Jr: Can you patch me through?
Ward: Oh, sure. (laughing) Just let me get my red phone! The hotline!
Watch: No, I'll shine the OSI signal!
Ward: No no, if we really believe, click our heels together and-
Jonas Venture Jr: Okay, okay! I get it! (hangs up)
Ward: Newbie. Did you see his creepy little body?!
Watch: Oh my god, when you were a kid, did you ever make G.I. Joe hump Rainbow Brite ?
Ward: Yeah.
Watch: He's what their kid would've looked like.

Mr Doe: (holding out his hand) Jonas Venture Jr?
Jonas Venture Jr: (folding his arms) I am. And who are the dead men I'm speaking to?
Mr Doe: That's a joke.
Mr Cardholder: Regular cut-up.
Mr Doe: Should give him a reality show.
Mr Cardholder: I'd watch it.
Mr Doe: I'd watch it twice.
Mr Cardholder: Even if Flava Flav was in it.

Henchman 21: Listen dude, don't get cozy with us. You're the guy who doesn't come back.
Henchman 24: Yeah, some guy who just shows up that nobody's ever seen before!
Henchman 21: And he's all professional- Yeah, dude, you're a goner.
Henchman 24: (putting his arm around Henchman #1's shoulders) Let me tell you a story about a little henchman named Speedy...

Henchman 21: You still don't get it. 24 and I have been on, like, a thousand missions. We've been shot at, dipped in acid...
Henchman 24: Brock Samson hit me with a car. Drove right into my kidney. Here I am!
Henchman 21: Yeah, we can walk across this floor and nothing would hit us. But then like this huge log would swing down and take your head off.
Henchman 24: Hey, here; what's your name?
Henchman 1: Henchman number 1.
Henchman 24: See, you are nameless.
Henchman 1: I'm Scott Hall, my name is Scott Hall. Okay?
Henchman 24: No, won't help.
Henchman 21: Yeah, now it's just pathos. So you're dying in my lap and I'm all "Scott! Scott don't you quit on us! Don't you dare!!"
Henchman 24: You just made your unavoidable death more pathetic.
Henchman 21: (pause) Fuck it. (begins walking across a laser tripwired floor) Nothing's gonna happen to me.

Pirate Captain: (after getting shot with tranquilizer darts) Oooohhh...It's like gettin' sucked off by an angel!

ORB[edit]

(Kano holds young Rusty, who is aiming a sniper rifle, on his shoulders. Col Gentleman sits by, wounded.)
Col. Gentleman: That thing is gonna kick like a badger, so you have to re-level quick. Aim for the bastard's neck. Hold 'im up there, Kano! I don't care if he wets himself and your head; that boy is gonna see somebody die! And if he doesn't want it to be his father, he'll have to pull that trigger!

Billy Quizboy: White! White! Get in here!
Pete White: [shudders] Congratulations, you discovered pornography.

Dr. Venture: This isn’t an invention, it’s a responsibility. We need to study this, and if we find that it will help mankind move peacefully forward, then we shall share its teachings, because we are not only men of science, we -
Billy Quizboy: We ... are men of hope.
Dr. Venture: How'd you know what I was gonna say?
Billy Quizboy: Come on! Your dad said that at, like, the end of every episode!

Col. Lloyd Venture: I'm sorry. I didn't know we were out of options.
Fantômas: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was sarcasm day.
Col. Lloyd Venture: I'm sorry I wasn't aware of your delicate constitution.
Fantômas: I'm sorry you smell like spoiled fruit.
Mark Twain: Fantômas has a point.
Col. Lloyd Venture: How dare you, sir! Why, I smell of freshly cut flowers!

Col. Venture: Samuel, the orb is a source of untold power! We must take our time and learn how to harness that power for the good of mankind!
Fantômas: Woah there, the orb is ours. The guild will decide what is best for mankind!
Oscar Wilde: For shame! This guild was founded to protect and serve man at his best, not to be a guild .. of calamitous intent!

The Alchemist: Alright. Let's start again. Get me a dictionary.
Pete White: But we have the internet.
The Alchemist: I don't wanna play World of Warcraft. Get me a regular dictionary. (talks to himself aloud) Ugh, internet. It's only good for finding out that your boyfriend is sleeping around. Friggin' MySpace. What, I'm not supposed to look at his friend's comments? They're right on the first page! It's hardly snooping!

Kano: ORB? Master Rusty has found ORB? (laughs) Did he find it under the couch while looking for change?

The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together (Part I)[edit]

(The Monarch, Dr. Girlfriend, The Moppets and 21&24 ride in the Monarch Mobile to storm the Venture Compound.)
Dr. Girlfriend: I wanted to take the cocoon.
The Monarch: That just what Venture expects us to do. But he won't expect this! You and your two best men, me and my...men. We keep it slim. Elite forces!
Dr. Girlfriend: Great idea. One of your "elite forces" is playing Tetris on his cell phone, while the other is peeing into a grande chai latte.
#21: God, I wish! It's like there's a vice on my wing-ding! You guys gotta stop talking so I can get in the zone.

(Brock confers with Hunter Gathers, who has transitioned to female and is now working at a strip club)
Brock: (to Doc) I'll only be a minute. Will you just wait out in the X-1 with the boys?
Hunter: You came in the plane? You call parking a supersonic jet in front of a titty-bar inconspicuous?! Who taught you to be a spy, fucking Gallagher!?!

Brock: I'm gonna need some wheels.
Hunter: (climbing onto the table and thrusting his crotch in Brock's face) You can take mine. But you are not gonna like looking for the keys!

Brock: Damn it Hank, if we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you myself!
Hank: Na-ah, you don't have a license to kill anymore.

The Monarch: Alright, let's review [the game plan.] Moppets?
Tim-Tom: Locate the Venture Brothers.
Kevin: And kill them!
The Monarch: Subdue them.
Tim-Tom: Cut their bellies...
The Monarch: Subdue their bellies. Dr. My Wife?
Dr. Girlfriend: Locate and seduce...
The Monarch: Subdue! Come on!
Dr. Girlfriend: Sorry. Subdue Brock Samson.
The Monarch: Good! Henchman 24?
#24: Locate and subdue the Venture robot.
The Monarch: Subdue? You can kill the robot. It's a robot! Henchman 21?
#21 does a "pee-pee" dance with a pained look on his face.
#21: What!? Dude, I gotta pee so bad, it's backing up into my kidneys!
The Monarch: Wrong! You keep an eye out for Sgt. Hatred while I locate and subdue Dr. Venture.
#21 is still doing his "pee-pee" dance.
The Monarch: (sighs) Forget it. You go to the bathroom.

Brock just laid down two tracks of oil slicks -- Herr Trigger skillfully drives his motorcycle between the two slicks.
Hank: (glibly)...didn't work...
Brock: (irritated) I KNOW!

The X1 takes a hit from a SAM fired by Herr Trigger
Brock: BUSEY!
Everybody instantly fastens their seat belts.

Holy Diver(Shore Leave): Let's kick Trespass-ass!

Dr. Girlfriend: (taking Sgt. Hatred's handie talkie-shaped cellular phone) That's a big cell phone.
Sgt. Hatred: I'm a big boy!

Jean-Claude Le Tueur: When I am your age in Paree, at night I would go up to, uh, on ze...ze rooftop? Eh? And I imagine zat I am ze Batman. So cool.
Hank: Well, when I was my age, I jumped off my roof in a Batman costume. I think. I might have just dreamt it.

Jean-Claude Le Tueur: (as he strangles Brock) You cut off your hair?? Why you do zis? You had such a cool look!

Jean-Claude Le Tueur: This sword was forged by Ikkansai Shigetsugu, master swordsmith of the Nihonto Tanren Denshunsho.
Brock: Oh, man, shut up already. Why do you sword guys always gotta talk about how cool your swords are?

Brock and Le Tueur are battling in the next room, which Dr. Venture mistakes for Hank and Dean rough-housing
Dr Venture: This is why daddy has to DRINK to RELAX, boys!

Brock: [to Dean and Hank after impaling Le Tueur with the sword] Look up the number for a guy called "the Cleaner". Call him and tell him we've got a Damien Hirst in room 202.

The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together (Part II)[edit]

The Cleaner: Well, this is as far as I go. There's a rental car waiting for ya, quarter-mile south of here. Keys and a new I.D. in the glove box, Cochise. Good luck to ya, man.
Brock: Yeah, I uh... I only got one problem with that plan... Hank never called you! (draws out his knife and places it against the Cleaner's neck.)
Moltov: [sitting on red convertible, wearing white sweats] I did. Figured even the mighty Brock Samson might have trouble fighting the entire OSI.
Brock: Molotov, I don't know why I'm surprised. How'd you find us?
Molotov: You haven't exactly been discreet.
Brock: Oh, like that get-up is? Though, I gotta admit for a disguise, it's pretty good. Hardly recognized ya.
Molotov: Wha-what dis... I'm off duty.
Brock: Haha. That's-That's how you dress when you're not catwomaning around?! I may have to rethink this whole relationship.
Hank: Who is that hood rat Brock's talking to? He can get any shorty he wants!

Hank: I'm telling you there's like a skunk ape out there or something.
Doc Venture: Hank, sit down and pretend to be sane. Dean, what are you doing?
Dean: I can't feel my left arm. How old do you have to be to have a heart attack?
Hank: In regular years, or pansy years?
Dean: Whatever! Why!? Why can't I just have a normal life?
Doc Venture: I had that dream once too.

Doc Venture: You don't know me. Why in my prime I saw some things that would make your head spin!
Sgt. Hatred: Yeah, I saw a guy's head spin, like right off his neck. Why? 'Cuz I punched him. Top That!
Doc Venture: Okay, okay... My father made me kill a man–kill a man with a house key! I was ten.
Sgt. Hatred: That's nothing. I ate a whole Labrador retriever once! I'm serious!

Sgt. Hatred: Look at us. We're hiding from our true selves. I'm a fighter, not a lover. And you...you were Rusty Venture once. Maybe the most fearless boy adventurer ever.
Doc Venture: Maybe the most?