The Wedding Planner
- Directed by Adam Shankman. Written by Pamela Falk and Michael Ellis.
- Earwax. 'X' on a triple letter, 'A' on a double word. Seventy-two points.
- A quarter cup of lemon juice, half a cup of salt and a loofah sponge. Scrub scrub scrub.
- You saved... my shoe. M-my life.
- You smell like sweet red plums and grilled cheese sandwiches.
- What I'm thinking involves a machete and a pair of pliers.
- Are you aware that Fran has chosen teal for her bridesmaids? Teal, the color of gangrene. ... Oh, oh, and I Honestly Love You as your wedding song? You might as well commit matrimonial suicide right now!
- You are exquisite. You're timeless. And you have the love of a man named Steve. A man who, while you were away having meetings about mozzarella, said to me: 'I can't believe she picked me. I can't believe I'm marrying the most incredible woman I've ever met.' So that tells me that this marriage of yours is not only gonna work, it's gonna last forever.
- I had to go through your wallet to get your identification. And you know what I must say, I've ever met anyone who alphabetized her credit cards before.
- What if what I think is great, really is great... but it's not as great, as something greater?
- Oh, of course. Krazy Glue. Why didn't I bring the Krazy Glue, in case his pecker fell off?
- Geri: Pierre, I love you, but if you use another carnation in my bouquet I will deport you. Muah.
- Penny: Oh no! Darn it, I just remembered that I... I promised my friend's brother's godmother that I would help her um change her fax cartridge tonight... because she's going out of town tomorrow... on an African safari!
- Bert: Girl asks you to dance, you dance.
- Massimo: You long for him the way I long for you.
- Massimo: You need to learn the patience. Love can't always be perfect. Love is just love.
- Salvatore: Maria, you remember Massimo.
- Dottie: Mud did him good.
- Massimo: The last time I see you, you were scrawny and ugly and your head was too big for your body.
- Mary: How nice. Thank you.
- Steve: Now talk to me. How are you feeling? Are you experiencing any dizziness, nausea, difficulty breathing?
- Mary: The breathing thing rings a bell. Then again, you are on top of me, cutting off my air supply.
- Little Girl 1: Yup, she's dead all right.
- Little Girl 2: You think she's going to heaven?
- Little Boy: Definitely. She's got the cleanest toes I've ever seen!
- Mary: Where am I?
- Little Girl 1: You're at the Children's Ward of St. Vincent's Hospital. I'm your doctor. Try not to talk.
- Mary: My god. I'm paralyzed! I'm paralyzed!
- Little Boy: If you're moving your arms and legs, you're clearly not paralyzed.
- Steve: You can take this off now. (removes neck brace) Oh, you've got a big neck.
- Mary: I have a big neck!
- Steve: Don't get me wrong. It's a fine neck. It's just that, I haven't had a patient over the age of six in three years.
- Mary: (sees bandaged hand) What happened to your hand?
- Steve: My hand. You fell on it with your big neck.
- Steve: Seriously. How'd you get into it? I've never met a member of a Scrabble Club before.
- Mary: When my parents came over from Italy they joined a Scrabble Club so they could learn English. After my mom died, my dad became, like, obsessed with the game and wanted me to play with him all the time. So, I guess, in a way, I was destined.
- Steve: C-O-O-L.
- Mary: What are you doing?
- Steve: [eating M&Ms] I only eat the brown ones.
- Mary: Because?
- Steve: Well, because I figure they have less artificial coloring because chocolate is already brown.
- Mary: That's very scientific of you Dr. Steve.
- Steve: It was a dance. Whoop dee doo. It didn't mean anything.
- Mary: Then why'd you almost kiss me?
- Fran: Oh, Mary I've been meaning to ask you. Speaking of love, what happened to that guy? You know, the one that you danced with-- (car swerves) EDDIE!
- Steve: There was a damn deer in the road. Did you see that? Damn it.
- Bert: I told you Mismo was full of crap.
- Salvatore: No Mismo! MASSimo! MASSimo! Please, go toast your bagel and mind your own business.
- Bert: Yeah yeah, I'll toast when I see fit! Mismo, Massimo, any other kind of -mo, -mo.
- Mary: That's your specialty? Instant macaroni and cheese.
- Massimo: Si, it is a low-budget wonder. Already today, I've eaten three boxes.
- Mary: Nancy Pong? 2C?
- Nancy Pong: Yes.
- Mary: It's Mary Fiore, 7H. You don't know me. We haven't met because I'm a control freak and I don't have time for people. But if you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar, I can't help you. Because I don't have time to shop.
- Mary: He said they were just friends, but deep down I knew better. I was just a stand-in. A poor man's Wendy. ... Jerk. It's a good thing I didn't marry him. But most of the time I just think... I just wasn't enough.
- Steve: No, no, no, you're wrong. And another thing. This Wendy, she's nothing but a poor man's Mary.
- Steve: You ever think about that night in the park?
- Mary: What?
- Steve: I barely know you. I don't know your dad's first name. I don't know if you ever wore braces or contacts or glasses. I have no idea how you came to be a wedding planner, Mary. But I know the curves of your face and I know every fleck of gold in your eyes. And I know that that night in the park was the best time I've ever had.
- Steve: Why are you only eating the brown ones?
- Mary: Because someone once said that they had less artificial coloring because chocolate's already brown. And it kind of stayed with me.
- Steve: You kind of stayed with me.
- Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t wed, plan.
- His big day is her big problem.
- Jennifer Lopez — Mary Fiore
- Matthew McConaughey — Steve Edison
- Bridgette Wilson-Sampras — Francine Donolly
- Justin Chambers — Massimo Lenzetta
- Judy Greer — Penny Nicholson