I have the map! I have the map! And the day after tomorrow... The world!
Now Benson, I'm going to have to turn you into a dog for a while.
Stand by for mind control!
You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?
You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. We only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes. Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinking rich?
Evil Genius: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?
Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One.
Evil Genius: What did you say?
[Minions inch away from Baxi]
Baxi Brazilia III: Well He created you, so He can't be totally...
[Evil Genius blows Baxi to bits]
Evil Genius: Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. I am all powerful!
[Polite applause from minions]
Cartwright: But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?
[Evil Genius waves his hand and obliterates Cartwright]
Evil Genius: [Circumspect] It's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?
Robert: Because you...
Evil Genius: Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.
Robert: Oh, of course.
Evil Genius: I let Him keep me here in order to lull Him into a false sense of security.
Evil Genius: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.
Minion: Uh, understanding of what, Master?
Evil Genius: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being! God isn't interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how He spends His time! Forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!
Evil Genius: Slugs! He created slugs. They can't hear! They can't speak! They can't operate machinery! I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic?... If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one! [zaps one of his minions accidentally, minion screams] Sorry.
Evil: Oh, Benson! I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Benson!
Benson: Good! Good!
Evil: Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!
Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?
Robin Hood: The poor.
Randall: The poor?
Robin Hood: Oh you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because... [nudges Randall] they're poor.
[Merry men behind Robin Hood indicate to Bandits and onlookers that they should laugh hysterically]
Robin Hood: Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave?
Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?
Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.
Robin Hood: And how long have you been a robber?
Strutter: Four foot one.
Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?
Kevin: I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.
Randall: Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!
Kevin: That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.
Randall: Of course, you know it all.
Kevin: He was one of my heroes.
Randall: Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?
Evil Genius: Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Benson: Oh, you say such nice things, Master.
Evil Genius: Yes I know, I'm sorry!
Randall: Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?
Strutter: No, we agreed: No leader!
Randall: Right. So shut up and do as I say.
Evil: Suddenly, I feel very, very good.
Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Master.
Evil: No, it'll pass, it'll pass.
Benson: Shall I bring them in, Master?
Evil: Yes, Benson. Bring them into the Time of Legends!
[as the group floats in the water after the Titanic sinks]
Fidgit: I wanna go home! I can't stand it! You're gonna get us all killed, Randall!
Randall: Stop whimpering Fidget! How was I to know we were gonna run slap bang into an iceberg? It didn't say 'Get off before the iceberg' on the ticket!
Kevin: Is it always like this after you've done a raid?
Fidgit: I don't know. We've never done one before.
Kevin: But I thought you were international criminals.
Randall: Going to be. Going to be.
Kevin: [referring to Agamemnon,an ancient Greek king] The money wasn't important to him.
Randall: He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.
Supreme Being: I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, small shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.