Time Squad

Time Squad is an American animated television series on Cartoon Network, which follows a trio of hapless time cops living in the far future who travel back in time attempting to correct the course of history by guiding historical figures onto the correct path.

Season 1

Eli Whitney's Flesh Eating Mistake [1.1a]

Tuddrussel: Oh, hey kid, watch this. [He clears his throat] Com-pu-tor, how a-bout a re-fresh-ing be-ve-rage? [Larry sullenly walks over with a canned drink]

---

Tuddrussel: Sir, it is my duty to inform you that this particular robot is not a flesh eater, okay? At least, I don't think he is...

Napoleon the Conquered [1.2a]

Larry 3000: Think of time as a section of rope. As Earth moves forward through time, more rope is formed. Recently it was discovered that as time grew older, it began to decay, or “unravel,” as it were, and this disintegration of the past begins to create disastrous results in our future. Let’s say that because of this instability in the past, the dodo bird never becomes extinct, and because of this, a young Henry Ford is attacked by one of these filthy creatures. He is so traumatized by the experience that he never invents the auto assembly line, or the Model T. Without this primitive automobile as a jumping-off point, we in the future are suddenly without our fancy solar-powered hover cars. That’s why we have to constantly repair the past and keep our future strong.

---

Tuddrussel: Little buddy! That's it! You're going down, lady!

Confucius Say... Way Too Much [1.2b]

Otto: Excuse me, Mr. Confucius? [Confucius screams and hides upon seeing Tuddrussel, who beat him up earlier] You think you could shorten your books down to little catchy phrases?

Confucius: Sure, Confucius do anything you say. Just don't hurt.

Larry Upgrade [1.4b]

[Larry has been downgraded so he serves nothing but burgers]

Larry: Burger.

Tuddrussel: Ugh. Another one of those and I'm gonna puke.

Larry: Burger.

Tuddrussel: Don't you got anything else?

Larry: Negative. Burger.

To Hail, With Caesar [1.6a]

Otto: Larry, why are you going along with this?

Larry 3000: Sorry, Otto, but as you know, I was originally designed to assist kings and diplomats. Now that Rome has achieved its full potential, and Tuddrussel has become so popular, I'm finally able to fulfill my true destiny: as the doting lackey of a great leader.

---

Tuddrussel: Et tu, Larry? Et tu?

Larry 3000: [pause] Caesar! Caesar!

Ludwig van Bone-Crusher [1.8a]

[Larry plays Symphony No. 9]

Ludwig van Beethoven: That music...so smooth, so beautiful!

Otto: It's the 9th Symphony in D minor! You wrote it! Or, you'll write it someday, or something like that!

Kubla Khan't [1.11a]

Genghis Khan: I've had it with you, Kublai! When I was your age, I conquered half the known world! You're still living at home!

Kublai Khan: Big deal.

Genghis Khan: Reading comic books all day.

Kublai Khan: They're graphic novels, grandpa Genghis.

Where the Buffalo Bill Roams [1.12b]

Buffalo Bill: [holds up a dollar bill with a barbecue sauce stain] It's all here on the $20 bill, man! You see here near the White House next to the bushes? An alien saucer!

Otto: What?! That's barbecue sauce!

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Buffalo Bill: Lincoln won that presidential debate against his opponent, Peter Cartwright with his special powers, man! Mind control powers!

[In his fantasy, Lincoln fired psionic waves from his forehead]

Peter Cartwright: Furthermore, if I am elected president, I... [gets mind controlled] I will raise taxes...sky high!

Season 2

A Sandwich by Any Other Name [2.1a]

Otto: Hey, look! We're going to meet the Earl of Sandwich. He invented one of the most popular foods of all time.

Tuddrussel: The donut?

Larry: [sarcastic] Yes, a man named Sandwich invented the donut.

Tuddrussel: Well, I hope he invented more than one, 'cause I'm starved.

---

Judge: What name hast thou giveth to thine own offering?

Earl of Sandwich: Your majesty, I thnik you're really gonna like this. I call it...Stinky Pile of Poo!

Judge: Stinky Pile of Poo?!

Time Squad: Stinky Pile of Poo?!

Planet of the Flies [2.2a]

Larry: [sobs upon seeing the destroyed Statue of Liberty] You maniacs! You blew it all up!

Tuddrussel: Sheesh, Larry, I never seen you take anything so hard.

Larry: Hey, you're right. Oh, here's the problem. My emotion regulator was set on compassion. How embarrassing.

---

Tuddrussel: This is a mad house!... A MAD HOUSE!

Larry: Ya' finished?

Tuddrussel: Pretty much...

---

Tuddrussel: A bee! [He squashes it. Everyone gasps]

Past Tuddrussel, Larry, Past Larry, Otto, Past Otto: Tuddrussel!

A Thrilla at Attila's [2.3a]

Attila the Hun: Oh, hello.

Tuddrussel: Tuddrussel smash! [punches Attila]

---

Larry: I don't remember wearing a tutu! At least, I don't think I did...

Pasteur's Packs O' Punch [2.4a]

Louis Pasteur: But these sweet babies are going to get me the respect I have always deserved.

Larry: I respect you, buddy. [He giggles and kisses Pasteur]

Floundering Fathers [2.4b]

Buck Tuddrussel: Well, mission accomplished. It took some doing, but we talked Karl Marx out of building the world's largest igloo and back to writing the Communist Manifesto.

Larry 3000: Yes, once you kicked him in the belly.

Buck Tuddrussel: Hey, if you're gonna make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs.

Forget the Alamo [2.6b]

Otto: Let me hear that Time Squad motto.

Tuddrussel: Ensuring the pat to protect our farmers.

Otto: Close enough.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Monty Zuma [2.7b]

Buck Tuddrussel: That's it, no more Mr. Nice Tuddrussel.

Larry 3000:[Sarcastically] Oooh, I'm soo scared!

Buck Tuddrussel: Well you should be, maestro, when I tell everyone what a lousy artist you are.

Larry 3000:[sarcastically] That really hurts. [Facing Tuddrussel with anger] Especially coming from a man who sleeps with a nightlight and a teddy bear!

[Crowd begins howling with laughter, while Tuddrussel is angered]

Buck Tuddrussel: Hey, you leave Mr. Binky out of this!

[The crowd continues howling with laughter.]

Montezuma: So, they say dogs, man's best friend, but when you have a friend who goes on the sofa, who needs enemies. You know it's real bad.

[The crowd ignores Montezuma, enticed in the insult match between Larry and Tuddrussel.]

Buck Tuddrussel: What about the time I caught you putting on make up?

Larry 3000: That isn't as bad as the time you were having a drink and got your head stuck in the toilet.

[The crowd continues howling in laughter as Tuddrussel grows furious with Larry]

Montezuma:[nervous knowing Larry and Tuddrussel are serious competition in their insult match] And how about those relationships. It's like men are from Chalpauche and women are from Yakipipi.

Buck Tuddrussel: I checked your Blue Book value, Larry, and it said you were worthless.

Larry 3000: I tried to check your I.Q., but numbers don't go that low.

[The crowd continues howling with laughter as Tuddrussel grows more furious with Larry]

Montezuma: Anyone out there from Yakipipi?!

Buck Tuddrussel: You're mother's a blimp.

Larry 3000: You're mother's a shaved ape.

[Everyone including the host erupts in laughter as Larry and Tuddrussel fight. Otto is overjoyed.]

Otto Osworth: They're laughing. They're really laughing.

Host: They sure are kid. These guys are killin'!

Otto Osworth: Yeah, each other

[Tuddrussel is attacking Larry as the host walks up to the stage with the trophy in hand.]

Host: The winners, come up here you two.

[The crowd cheers as Tuddrussel and Larry are confused at first, but then understands they've won the Amateur night Comedy Contest in Casa de Ha-Ha and runs up the stage to accept the award.]

Host: Montezuma is good, but you guys are comedy gold.

Ex Marks the Spot [2.12a]

[Larry is making a roast turkey for Buck. He is oddly giddy and chipper. Otto comes in and witnesses the scene]

Otto: Uh, don't take this the wrong way, but why are you being so nice to Tuddrussel? Making his favorite meals, cleaning his phasers, fumigating his underwear?

Larry: Well, Otto, as you know, I'm programmed to be a humble housekeeper and a delightful companion. So, recently, I decided, 'Why fight it?' Well, sure, he's a stupid, repugnant, arrogant, smelly, ignorant, selfish, insulting man child.

[Larry puts a cherry on top of the gravy-smothered turkey, which promptly sinks]

Larry: But he's my stupid, repugnant, arrogant, smelly, ignorant, selfish, insulting man child!

[Otto shoots Larry a confused and suspicious look]

Larry: Oh, you'll understand when you're older.

External links

Time Squad quotes at the Internet Movie Database