Timothy Dexter (January 22, 1747 – October 23, 1806) was an American businessman and eccentric who is perhaps best known as the author of A Pickle for the Knowing Ones, an autobiography notable for its bizarre content, near-complete lack of punctuation, and extremely erratic spelling and grammar.
A Pickle for the Knowing Ones
All quotes are presented as they appear in the book
- To mankind at Large the time is Com at Last the grat day of Regoising what is that why I will tell you thous three kings is Rased Rased you meane should know Rased on the first Royal Arch in the world olmost Not quite but very hiw up upon so thay are good mark to be scene so the womans Lik to see the frount and all people Loves to see them as the quakers will Com and peape slyly and feele glad and say houe the doue frind father Jorge washeton is in the senter king Addoms is at the Rite hand...
- FROM THE MUSEUM OF TIMOTHY DEXTER, ESQ.
Ime the first Lord in the younited States of A mercary Now of Newburyport it is the voise of the peopel and I cant Help it and so Let it goue Now as I must be Lord there will foler many more Lords prittey soune for it Dont hurt A Cat Nor the mouse Nor the son Nor the water Nor the Eare…
- How Did Dexter make his money Inw ye says bying whale bone for stain for ships in grosing three houndred & 40 tuns bort all in boston salum and all in Noue york under Cover oppenly told them for my ships thay all Lafed so I had at my one prise I had four Couning men for Rouners thay souned the horne as I told them to Act the fool I was foull of Cash I had Nine tun of silver on hand at that time all that time the Creaters more or Less Lafing it spread very fast heare is the Rub in fifty Days thay smelt A Rat found whare it was gone to Nouebry Port speklaters swarmed Like hell houns to be short with it I made seventey five per sent one tun and halfe of silver and over one more spect Drole A Nouf I Dreamed of warming pans three Nits that thay would doue in the west ingas I got not more than fortey two thousand put them in Nine vessele for difrent ports that tuck good hold…
- I Crys Crys Lik a babey when I Rits my trobel is so grat to have my Dafter so Crasey the Rick of our Lives such blows with such weapons of a sudden & strike such brouses is worth thirty millon of Dolors for a pouer man to have and others o brous me thay wont my Life to git my money & so I must seel & be a sitteson of the world it is a wonder I am a Live the burds will Chip offen before I Can git to sleep the Noys is so grate all hell No more a b bishups he wants to be Deatey Let sade beast goue once & twise act so Now toue much Laning make Rougs and fouls in the Eand Dig a Dich & fall in to it white Rop or a hare Rop taks them in time
- World makers mankind with marbel and parchment and paper pen & ink and printers tips and Lyes upon Lyes amen and amen the world was made in six Days out of Nothing o yess o lye Now all troue Lye yess all the world over
- WONDER OF WONDERS!
How great the soul is! Do not you all wonder & admire to see and behold and hear? Can you all believe half the truth, and admire to hear the wonders how great the soul is—only behold—past finding out! Only see how large the soul is!—that if a man is drowned in the sea, what a great bubble comes up out of the top of the water! the last of the man dying under water—this is wind—is the soul that is the last to ascend out of the deep to glory—it is the breath from on high doth go on high to glory. The bubble is the soul. A young fellow's for gunning for the good of bodies and souls.
- Trouth I afirme I am so much of A foule the Rougs want to git my Jouels & Loavs & Littel fishes without my Leave Leave is Lit thay all Caled me A foull forty years Now I will Call all fouls but onnes men Now to brove me A foull I Never Could sing Nor play Cards Nor Dance Nor tell A Long storey Nor play on Any mouskel Nor pray Nor make A pen when I was young I Could play on A Jous harp it would mak my mouth warter and the Ladeys sumthing warter gess what I sade Nothing A good Lafe is beter than Crying A Clam will Cry And warter wen thay are out of there Ellemen so wee the same if I had Not the gost in my house I would I mean give Lite to my brothers & sisters and have A pease all over the world and beat the trouthe into my frinds houe goud it is houe onnest it would be and houe man kind has bin in posed upon & houe thay have bin blinded with untrouths gosts and mister Divels there is Now None of that order all Lye the mesonek if thay wilt make a book of trouth I will give the Creaters but I will take the Chare and put my frind bonne partey on my Rte hand And the grat ginrel meroue on my Left hand A Nuf to give the sword is in the banks A Emper only be still I will take the helm in Love I am A quaker but I have so Littel sense I Cant Deseave I Can swep my hous & git all A Noue gelt & goue out of hell is bless Law and trouth and Reason on my side it must be done when I git my worthy widdow it is Dun Not one word of Anger as Long as I Live to a A good woman I a firme
- I say the grate mister Divel that has so maney Nick Names a frind to the preasts Now is dead all and the pope Likewise and the founders of mesonic A Cheat foull of war and gratness of hell Dead preasts Dead and Lawyers Damede Deade A braham b bi Ass Dead and All the frinds of mankind sings prasses that wee are the grat familey of mankind Now out of hell Deleured from fire and smoak bourning for Ever Now all in heaven uppon Earth Now all frinds Now for A Day of Regoising all over the world as one grate familey all Nasions to be ounited No more wars for fifty years and Longer I Recommend pease A Congress in france and when wee are Ripe for A Emper in this Contrey Call for me to take the helm or a Consler in the Afare of trouth Amen and Amen
- fouder mister printer the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in A Nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they plese [several lines of random punctuation marks]
About Timothy Dexter
- I am afraid that Mr. Emerson and Mr. Whitman must yield the claim of declaring American literary independence to Lord Timothy Dexter, who not only taught his countrymen that they need not go to the Heralds' College to authenticate their titles of nobility, but also that they were at perfect liberty to spell just as they liked, and to write without troubling themselves about stops of any kind.
- Lord Dexter is a man of fame;
Most celebrated is his name;
More precious far than gold that's pure,
Lord Dexter shine forevermore.
- Jonathan Plummer