Tony Banks, Baron Stratford

Quotes

She behaves with all the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa constrictor
- Sophie Goodchild (8 January 2006). "Tony Banks close to death after stroke". The Independent (online edition). [1]
- on former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher

She is a half-mad old bag lady. The Finchley Whinger.
- "An MP who took no prisoners". The Daily Telegraph. 9 January 2006. [2]
- on former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher again.

...so unpopular, if he became a funeral director people would stop dying
- "The wit and wisdom of Tony Banks", BBC News (8 January 2006).
- on former Prime Minister John Major

He was a fairly competent chairman of Housing [on Lambeth Council]. Every time he gets up now I keep thinking, "What on earth is Councillor Major doing?" I can't believe he's here and sometimes I think he can't either.
- "The Right Hon wag", The Guardian (10 January 2006).
- on seeing John Major in the House of Commons as Prime Minister.

Since the great days of Jimmy Greaves, it's the only time anyone's managed to score five times in a Chelsea shirt.
- after a newspaper story appeared in 1992 falsely claiming then Conservative cabinet minister David Mellor, his close friend and fellow Chelsea fan, wore football kit during sex. The claim was invented by the publicist Max Clifford after he agreed to represent Mellor's former mistress.
- "The wit and wisdom of Tony Banks", BBC News (8 January 2006).

To make matters worse, they have elected a foetus as the party leader. I bet a lot of them wish they had not voted against abortion now!
- Comment on both the Conservative Party leader William Hague and the abortion debate at a Labour Party conference fringe meeting (1997).
- Cited in "Beyond a joke: the ones that went too far", The Guardian (27 February 2004).

That this House is appalled, but barely surprised, at the revelations in M15 files regarding the bizarre and inhumane proposals to use pigeons as flying bombs; recognises the important and live-saving role of carrier pigeons in two world wars and wonders at the lack of gratitude towards these gentle creatures; and believes that humans represent the most obscene, perverted, cruel, uncivilised and lethal species ever to inhabit the planet and looks forward to the day when the inevitable asteroid slams into the earth and wipes them out thus giving nature the opportunity to start again.
- EDM (Early Day Motion) 1255 proposed by Tony Banks in the House of Commons (21 May 2004); quoted by Parliamentary Information Management Service.

I have gone to a safe house, as they say, so I might as well have a different name
- "Banks changes name for Lords life", BBC News (23 June 2005).
- on taking the title Lord Stratford when he entered the House of Lords.

I found it intellectually numbing, tedious in the extreme. All you were was a sort of high-powered social worker and perhaps not even a good one. So I won't miss that.
- "Obituary: Tony Banks", BBC News (9 January 2006).
- comments on constituency work after standing down as an MP

Living proof that a pig's bladder on the end of a stick can be elected to Parliament
- "Tony Banks close to death after stroke", The Independent (online edition, 8 January 2006).
- about the right-wing Conservative MP Terry Dicks

At one point Portillo was polishing his jackboots and planning the next advance. And the next thing is he shows up as a TV presenter. It is rather like Pol Pot presenting the Teletubbies.
- Tribune Rally, September 1997; The Right Hon wag, The Guardian (10 January 2006).
- on Conservative politician Michael Portillo.

I think my exact words were "Fuck me!"
- Obituary, The Daily Telegraph (9 January 2006).
- Recounting his reaction on being appointed a minister.

We'll look back and wonder who were these barbarous people, just like we look back at those who supported bull-baiting
- "Tony Banks close to death after stroke", The Independent (online edition, 8 January 2006).
- on fox-hunting.

Personally I wish the police had truncheoned the English fans to death, but I can’t really say that on the record.
- "Hopes fade for Tony Banks after holiday stroke", The Times (8 January 2006).
- comment on football hooliganism abroad after allegations of police brutality against rioting English fans.

I am finding the inherent politeness of this place quite destabilising. Having come from a House where politeness is about as rare as an orderly queue at a London bus stop, the culture shock on entering your Lordships' House has been profound. Indeed, such relentless politeness is not merely destabilising, but positively exhausting.
- maiden speech to the House of Lords (20 July 2005); quoted by United Kingdom Parliament World Wide Web Service
- contrasting the House of Lords with the House of Commons.

I could have been a serious athlete, only to have my promise cut short when I discovered Woodbines and women. Thankfully I have long since given up the former, and the latter have long since given up on me—except, of course, for the lovely Lady Stratford, who for reasons beyond my comprehension still tolerates my presence.
- maiden speech to the House of Lords (20 July 2005); quoted by United Kingdom Parliament World Wide Web Service.

More people have probably died from eating dodgy Chinese food than contracting some form of avian flu. The last thing we want is for the Daleks from Defra to start suggesting that they want to exterminate wildlife—as is their normal response when confronted with such a problem. We do not want any proposal that migrating birds are going to be destroyed because of alarmist figures and notions that appear in the Tory press.
- House of Lords debate on "bird flu" (26 October 2005); quoted by United Kingdom Parliament World Wide Web Service.

If champagne ever wanted cheering up, it would drink Tony Banks.
- Stephen Pound, MP; quoted on the Today programme, 9 January 2006.
...one of the most charismatic politicians in Britain, a true man of the people.
- Tony Blair, British Prime Minister; quoted by BBC News [3].

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Tony Banks, Baron Stratford