Tracey Takes On...

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Tracey Takes On... (1996–1999) was an HBO sketch comedy series starring Tracey Ullman.

Season 1[edit]

Romance [1.01][edit]

Chic: You think rubbers are romantic? They're big pain in the ass. I have to have my rubbers custom-made at the Big and Tall shop.

Fern: Oh god, why do they send me a kid? Get me Dr. Goldstein. Get me any Jew!

Charity [1.02][edit]

Bella: Fern!
Fern: Yes, Bella, darling!
Bella: The Marlboro Man just arrived.
Fern: Oh, wonderful he made it. Where is he?
Bella: He's in his dressing room.
Fern: Terrific.
Fern: Tell me, is he the original Marlboro Man?
Fern: No, Bella, darling, the original Marlboro Man died of lung cancer. This is the Marlboro Lights Man.

Carlos: Listen, lady. When you look at me, do you see somebody who's had it easy? While you were sitting here in your air-conditioned life, I was seeing things that people only see in their nightmares -- blood and guts spilled all over, and body parts scattered all around like confetti.
Kay: You've been into Mother's room, haven't you?
Carlos: I'm talking about 'Nam!

Nostalgia [1.03][edit]

Mrs. Noh Nang Ning: TV today no good. In old days we have horse that talk, we have car that talk, now no thing talk!

Kay: Things changing all the time does affect you. I remember a time when there was only one flavor high fiber Metamucil!

Royalty [1.04][edit]

Virginia: I'm going to give you a good spanking and let you watch Baywatch.
Timmy: [Giddy] Both at the same time?

Family [1.05][edit]

Fern: I said to my daughter Sheila, I said, "Sheila, darling, I will never pressure you into have children," because I had children and it ruined my life. Oy.

LeAnne: Alright, here we go. Make a woman out of me, okay. Fertilize me!
Trevor: Oh, Leanne, love. You’re not a plowed field.
LeAnne: I’m sorry, I’m babbling here, I’m so nervous. I’m just so nervous about what’s going to happen.
Trevor: I’m just so afraid that it will.
LeAnne: Okay, don’t worry. Here we go. What’s it you Brits all say? Just close your eyes and think of England!
Trevor: Right. I might be better off thinking of Antonio Banderas.

Law [1.06][edit]

Harry: In other words, you guys were watching when Fern and I go in the toilet.
Fern: Oh my god! I feel defiled!

Mrs. Noh Nang Ning: Lawyers are like bagel. You don't want nothing to do with them!

Vanity [1.07][edit]

Gloria: You've got great breasts, Kay!
Kay: [Embarrassed] Oh, please, Gloria!
Gloria: No, really. It’s just, you're not making the most of them. You need to show them off.
Kay: Oh, I'm not sure that I do. Mother always said that if God intended for breasts to be seen, he wouldn't have invented large woolen pullovers, you see.
Deborah: I think you need a wonder bra. I wouldn’t go anywhere without mine!
Kay: Oh, yes, they’re very striking, Deborah, but mine are very happy being out of the limelight. They're rather shy, like bats, just hanging there quietly in the dark.
Gloria: What size are you?
Kay: I’m not sure.
Deborah: I think she’s a 38 D.
Gloria: Yeah.
Kay: I think one of them might be.

Sydney: I rest my hair.

Death [1.08][edit]

[Kay's father spins her]
Kay: Oh! Very good, daddy!
Kay's Father: Fred Astaire taught me that, and I taught him how to open beer bottles with teeth.

Titus: By the way I'm Titus.
Kay: Tight ass?
Titus: Titus.

Health [1.09][edit]

Warren: Sydney, how long has it been since you took a vacation?
Sydney: I don't know, I think I was about twelve-years-old and my parents took me to a log cabin in the mountains. We spent the whole day walking around looking at the countryside and taking picnics. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong to deserve that kind of punishment.
Warren: I think you need some time off. I mean, you can't expect to be in the limelight all the time. Take a long weekend.
Sydney: What's this all about, Warren?
Warren:Sydney, don't you think suing the dead is a bit obsessive?
Sydney: Not at all! This is a clear case of suicide with malicious intent! How come he didn't just take an overdose at home or tie a plastic bag over his head like any normal person?! No! He had to throw himself under a train disrupting the lives of innocent passengers. What type of antisocial behavior...
[Warren walks around, takes hold of Sydney's arms and cuts her off]
Warren: Just a couple of days.

Fern: Harry.
Harry: What?
Fern: I want you to be honest with me. Are you full of rage?
Harry: What are you talking about?
Fern: I found out that your so-called back problem is really unexpressed rage.
Harry: Who told you that, Fern?
Fern: I read.
Harry: You do not.
Fern: Okay. That big dark haired woman that ate all the cake. What's her name? Jabba the Hutt?

Fame [1.10][edit]

Linda: What if I started drinking again?
Candy: No! No!
Linda: No?
Candy: Not that! You been there, you done that! Not even water!

Linda: Help, somebody! It's Linda Granger!

Season 2[edit]

Sex [2.01][edit]

Linda: God grant me the serenity to accept members of the opposite to not accept the opposite sex's members; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Ruby: Listen, deary, I was making motion pictures when Noah was still a sailor.

Fantasy [2.02][edit]

Pip: Tracey Ullman, your Royal Highness.
Tracey: Hello.
Her Royal Highness: Oh. The ex-patriot mimic. Can you do me?
Tracey: Yeah, yeah, it's not too difficult really. [Imitating Her Royal Highness] One just has to talk as if one has a broom stuck up one's ass.
Her Royal Highness: It's uncanny, isn't it? Especially from someone as common as yourself. Goodbye.

Police Detective: Name?
Ruby: Uh, Ruby Romaine, like the lettuce.

Mothers [2.03][edit]

Janie: Do you realize who I was? I was the High Priestess of Hip, the Icon of Trend! I knew Bruce and Demi, Warren and Annette! Johnny and Kate! I sailed with the Pearlmans and skied with Spielbergs! Helmut Newton photographed me wearing something rubber on a llama! I had Princess Di on my fucking speed dial!

Ruby: You know, this place is going in the toilet, you can't even get a decent douche pump here anymore.
Shopper: Maybe that's because they found out that they're not good for you.
Ruby: Oh, bulldinky. There's nothing like a squirt of Spring Rain to freshen up your forest, dear.

Vegas [2.04][edit]

Linda: I'm on a percentage of the drinks. I used to play the main room, Candy. The main room! Oh, god. Twenty years ago everyone knew me. I did three Jerry Lewis telethons. I knew all the players. Steve and Eydie. Rickles. Tony Newley. Paul Anka wrote "She's Having My Baby" for me. That was just a false alarm, of course. I was just late.

Ruby: I got good use out of my beaver brush on that movie!

Secrets [2.05][edit]

Kay: Joey learned to imitate me, and one day when I was out, he flew into mother's room and kept saying, "Time for your medication, dear! Time for your medication, dear!" Mother took sixteen doses of her diuretic. So Joey had to go - and so did mother. She lost twenty-two pounds in nine minutes!

Gregor: Someone knows what an elitist, egocentrical, name-dropping little bitch your are!
(spanks her)
Janie: Norman Mailer said that, too!
Gregor: There you go again!
(spanks her twice more)

Childhood [2.06][edit]

Rayleen: Ahoy! I was just talking to my cousin here. That's right, I said cousin. I was raised by dingoes!

Ruby: You know, I matured at a very early age. By the time I was ten years ago I had hair in all four locations and bazongas like two torpedoes!

1976 [2.07][edit]

Janie: What the hell is this nat's piss?!
Hope: It's Hope-uccino! Would you like me to froth the soy milk a little more?

Chic: Show me your tits!

Food [2.08][edit]

Fern: My husband Harry and I have to watch our diet We have peptic ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome, hiatal heritals, spastic colon, and colitis. Between us, we have enough gas to keep the Olympic torch lit until the year 3000. Oh, but this is fabulous. [Takes another bite of food] Boy, am I gonna pay for this one the way home. Thank god the Chrysler has a moon roof.

Linda: Every time I'm in the ladies room, I think about food. Maybe it's because I spent so much of time throwing up in places just like this. For those of you who've read my book I'm Still Here, you'll know all about my bout with bulimia. It's all in chapter seven. Including how I found the answer to staying thin without throwing up. Unfortunately the answer was speed and cocaine, which you can read about in chapter eight.

Crime [2.09][edit]

Fern: Whenever Harry and I hear that a crime has been committed, the first thing that comes to mind is, is it gonna hurt the Jews?

Douglas: You don't know Tori Spelling, do you?
Linda: No. But I do know her father, Aaron. I went to ice hockey match in his house once.

Movies [2.10][edit]

Pisher Ticket Taker: Ma'am, Monsterplex is a family chain of neighborhood movie theaters. We do not allow cigarettes or liquor into any of our auditoriums. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Ruby: You're showing the devil with a bunch of buck naked teachers on a merry-go-round, and I can't have a cocktail and a smoke?! Someone tell me I'm asleep and I'm just dreaming I'm on the planet of the assholes! Just give me my money and I'll too-da-loo outta here.
Pisher Ticket Taker: I'm sorry, ma'am, but your money has already been entered into our computers but we can issue you a coupon good for readmission.
Pisher Ticket Taker: [Incredulous] Readmission? I'd rather be readmitted to Sing Sing.

Money [2.11][edit]

Fern: No, Mr. Ben-Svi, there's been a terrible accident. As my husband Harry was backing up the car, in our distraught state we didn't see Eydie crossing behind us. Harry got all farmisht and he mistook the accelerator for the brake and we accidentally ran over her! [Beat] Several times.

Linda: This one is Little Loopy Linda, and she represents my alcoholic period. As you can see, her eyes are slightly crossed and there are little hand-painted flecks of vomit on cheek, chin, and running down the dress.
Fawn: You know, Linda, I wish the folks at home could see exactly how carefully crafted with careful craftsmanship these dolls are crafted.

Race Relations [2.12][edit]

Linda: I'm an octoroon, one-eighth black.
James: That's a little hard to believe but it may explain the size of those lips.
Linda: Oh, no. These are collagen, James. But I've only replaced what time has depleted.

Big Sexx-E: [Rapping] You wanna go swimmin' then go see the fishes, you want Jewish snack food then eat some knishes...

Supernatural [2.13][edit]

Trevor: I didn't tell anyone, cause they think I was daft, you know? But I know what I saw! Then again I was doing a lot of ecstasy in those days.

Fern: Harry, what would I do without you? I hope I die first.
Harry: I hope you do too, honey.
Fern: [Touched] Oh.

Politics [2.14][edit]

Sydney: I'm glad there's such a thing as politicians, they give us lawyers someone to look down on.

Music [2.15][edit]

Linda: You know there are three little words that everybody can understand -- do you know what those three little words are?
Kid: "Fuck you, bitch."
Linda: I was thinking more of, "I love you."

Season 3[edit]

Marriage [3.01][edit]

Chic: All the time I'm hearing about the same-sex marriages. Should it be legal? Shouldn't it be legal? Who the fuck cares?! What difference does it make? Gay or straight? When you get married, you have the same sex for the rest of your life! It's not natural, my friend.

Ruby: Oh, look at that, Duke, Hogan's Heroes is on. That's a cute show, yeah, They took it off the air for awhile when that Bob Crane got a little too enthusiastic about his S&M hobby and ended up dead in a motel in the desert. Yeah, it doesn't surprise me at all though, there was always something peculiar about him. You never saw anyone so damn pleased to be living in a concentration camp!

Hollywood [3.02][edit]

Chic: Hey, I remember you. When I first come to this country, and I learn the alphabet, I always think of your tit to remember the L.
Penny Marshall: [Chuckles] Thank you. Glad to be a help.

Ruby: You see that house pink house up there on the hill there, Huell?
Huell Howser: Yeah.
Ruby: That was Joan Crawford's house.
Huell Howser: Joan Crawford? Now when did she live there?
Ruby: Uh, somewhere between Franchot Tone and that Pepsi guy.
Huell Howser: [Chuckles]
Ruby: Yeah, she wouldn't get out bed without makeup. So I used to have to sleep over and I draw her eyebrows in five minutes before the alarm went off.
Huell Howser: Now did you ever meet her daughter, Christina?
Ruby: Oh, yeah, that little troublemaker. Yeah, she came in one morning with that sidekick brother of her's trailing their restraints, and they says to me, "Oh," they says, "Ruby, ya gotta help us! Mommy's strapping us to the bed and giving us enemas!"
Huell Howser: That's terrible. What did you do?
Ruby: I examined my conscience, and I went on the side of the person who signed my paychecks. The Academy Award winning, Miss Joan Crawford! Thank you.

Smoking [3.03][edit]

Kay: I need something on a fairly regular basis, and if you could provide it there could be some sort of commission involved.
Carlos: Oh, yeah?
Kay: It's grass, you see?
Carlos: I don't do yard work anymore. My back, it's messed up.
Kay: No, um, it's weed, pot, hemp, Mary Jane.
Carlos: Woah, Kay. You're not on that stuff, huh?
Kay: Oh, no, no, no, no! It's not for me, it's for mother!
Carlos: Oh, you're mother. [Laughs] She's still alive?!
Kay: Yes, oh, yes, soldiering on.
Carlos: Yeah, I remember when I met her, boy, I thought I walked into one of the pod people.

Ruby: How do you like those lacerations, deary?
Actress: Very good.
Ruby: And I should know, cause I got to the scene of the accident where Jayne Mansfield's head was still rolling along the side of that highway. Sad thing was I'd done her roots only three days prior. Can you believe her luck?

Loss [3.04][edit]

Fern: These are Harry's footprints. He has hammertoes.

Rayleen: As many as you know, I met my husband Mitch as a dwarf-tossing contest. There I was standing there waiting for my turn to throw. Somebody handed him to me, I looked down into his little eyes, a thrill went through me. I almost didn't want to throw him, you know? But I did. Thirty-two feet. I won an AM-FM clock radio that night, and the man of my dreams. [Tears up] Bloody hell. It was Mitch's privilege to die in the making of Mr. Steven Spielberg's monster hit The Lost World. He was playing a baby raptor. A part he wanted very much. And one day, during lunch, his electric jaws failed to open and he choked to death on a beef and bean burrito. [Wails] I have a telegram here from Steven himself which I'd like to share with you today. Dear Mrs. Gibson. Mitch was a small but vital part of our production. He was every inch the pro. No one ever bit Jeff Goldblum harder. He will be sincerely missed. Sincerely Steven. There's a PS here. This letter does not constitute an administration of legal responsibility. What a diamond of a bloke, eh?
Linda: [Touched] Oh.
Rayleen: [Wailing] Bloody hell. I'm losing it again. So let me introduced a great friend and a big star. Miss Linda Granger. Oh Christ.
[They embrace]
Linda: Be strong Rayleen. Be strong. Isn't she wonderful? I can't understand a word she says, but she's wonderful. You know, I met Mitch when he played my son in a TV movie I made about infant ageing syndrome. You may remember it, it was called, My Baby Has a Beard.

Agents [3.05][edit]

Baby Agent: Who? I don't know any Linda Granger. I don't know any -- oh, wait, I think she's in AA with my mom.

Linda: We'll both have the duck salad without the duck.

Age [3.06][edit]

Mrs. Noh Nang Ning: People of all ages love doughnut. When you baby you love doughnut cause it like toy. You lick it, sticky, it fun. When you teenager you love doughnut, because you like sugar, you have a lot of energy, yeah. Then, when you twenty, you love doughnut cause it cheap. You buy twelve doughnut so you get one free. Yeah? And when you thirty you love doughnut because you're very busy, you're trying to make something of yourself. Yeah, no time to eat, so grab doughnut. When you're forty you eat doughnut, because you don’t won’t to eat at home. No, no, no, your wife, she mean, your children are ugly, so you come to doughnut shop forget terrible family. Yeah. When you fifty, you buy doughnut, you know they're bad for you, yeah. You try to kill yourself. Yeah! So you smoke, you drink cocktail, you eat doughnut, you loser! And when you're very old, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, you eat doughnut so you have something to put in your stomach so you can keep taking all the pills to keep you alive! Yeah, you went, "Hey, when I was baby, doughnut make me happy, maybe doughnut make me happy now!" Then you die! Then I serve doughnut at your funeral. doughnut business good business to be in, huh?

Professor Kenneth Hawkins: I swear nothing happened. I never laid my finger on her.

Religion [3.07][edit]

Ruby: I was never a religious person. My family didn't believe in that stuff. Probably because they were all going to hell.

Sandy: Homo be gone!

Man's Best Friend [3.08][edit]

Ruby: Oh, you know I don't know if I could stand being knocke

d down a second time, Dean. I got osteoporosis. I could shatter a hip having sex with a frog!


Ruby: Looking back, I was kind of flattered that a young buck like you got all charged up over an old broad like me. I mean you may be hairy with four legs but I've had worse, let me tell ya. I'm not mentioning any names. But his initials were Cornel Wilde.

Culture [3.09][edit]

Birdie: I have taken charge of my children's education. The patriot home school may be small but we have lots of school spirit. Our team name is The Caucasians, Onward Christian Soldiers" is our school song, and our school colors are white and white. Now if they went to Helmsburg Elementary they'd be exposed to multicultural programs like Holocaust Awareness Day, African-American Culture Week, Cinco De Mayo, and the Civil War. I teach subjects that will be useful to them in their daily lives like reading, writing, arithmetic, marksmanship, and taxidermy. And I'm sure they're all going to get into the Home Patriot College. Yay, team! Yay!

Fern: Culture? You know what I like cultured? My pearls. My parents bought me my first strand from my Uncle Ben, the jeweler and mohel side of the family. They're known for their delicate hands. Anyway, my mother went crazy when she saw an identical strand, same length, same millimeter, in the discount jeweler. She then accused her only brother of pearl gouging. This caused a chasm in family so wide you would think we were Arabs. And the rift wasn't healed until my Uncle Ben circumcised my grandson Ryan's penis for free. He did a beautiful job! It's to die for!

Sports [3.10][edit]

Ruby: Also, if I see a horse take a poop in the pen before a race I bet on him. That way he's bound to be lighter and springier. Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra himself taught me that.

Amanda: She's from someplace called Evanston, Il.
Janie: You're so stupid, Amanda! It's in America. IL is the state! It's short for Ildaho.

Season 4[edit]

Dating [4.01][edit]

Sydney: Look, I told you, I am a busy professional woman and I am looking to get laid!

Linda: Oh, Jack, what happened?
Jack: It's the usual story, you know? I got addicted to prescription painkillers after a surfing accident, found myself hanging at the ranch, drinking with my lackeys, chasing my wife around with an ax, and shot the neighbor's dog. Anyway, the studio calls up, they cancel my series, I tell them to go fuck themselves, and I haven't worked since.
Linda: If I had a nickle for every time I heard this story.

Drugs [4.02][edit]

Kay: Do you have a dependency problem?
Denise: Is it that obvious?
Kay: [Gasps] What is it, dear? What is it? What's it Mary Jane, horse, toot, crap?

Linda: Hello, I'm Linda Granger, and I am one-hundred percent drug free. I've kicked Quaaludes, cocaine, the Big H, black beauties, pot, hash, white crosses, opium, peyote, glue --
Director: This is only a fifteen second spot, Miss Granger. I don't think we have enough time for all of your abuses.
Linda: But each one of them is such an important part of my struggle. Um, okay, I got an idea. [Singing] I've kicked... Librium, and Eskatrol , Dexedrine, and Valium, Pemadam, and Percocets, Seconals, and Tuinals, cocaine, Quaaludes, opium, peyote, and hash!
Director: That's great!
Linda:[Laughs] Oh, I forgot amyl nitrite.

Scandal [4.03][edit]

Jobie: You listen to me, that man fondled you! He fondled you!
Fern: My insurance pays for it!

Madam Nadja: In my business, it's not who you know, but how much you know about them.

Hair [4.04][edit]

Fern: No offense Mr. Andre, but the last time anyone aside from Mr. Jake did my hair, it ended up looking so orange that I looked like Lucy, and I'm not talking about the I Love Lucy Lucy, I'm talking about the old tired Lucy.

Erin: [Singing] Caught in a tree, really gotta pee, what I'd do just to be free, drinking tea with a guy named Lee.

Lies [4.05][edit]

Trevor: When I was a child me favor movie was Pinocchio. Oh, and I loved Jiminy Cricket. What child didn't dream of having a single adult male in a top hat and cane living with him? It was ruin for me when I saw the adult gay porn video in 1986 called Pincockio. I know, ain't it awful? Suffice to say it wasn't his nose that grew when he told lies.

Linda: [Singing a parody of the song "It Was a Very Good Year"] When I was seventeen, I was really twenty-two.

Erotica [4.06][edit]

Madam Nadja: I have very smart girls. They all know that the most erotic part of a woman is about the neck. It's the brain. But the pussy comes in a very strong second. Oh, yes.

Victoria Principal: So, what brings you to Abizi?
Linda: Well, I've been invited by the sultan. I'm to host a TV special.
Victoria Principal: Me too!
Linda: Oh! We must be co-hosting. You're not planning on wearing a silver pant suit are you?
Victoria Principal: Not in years.
Linda: [Relieved] That's a good thing.

Books [4.07][edit]

Linda: I think that these books on tape are just wonderful. I mean it's such a great opportunity for the blind to enjoy one of life's simple pleasures.
Bobby: Oh, but they're not just for the blind Miss Granger.
Linda: Oh, I didn't mean to leave out the deaf.

Gilbert: I had almost given up hope of ever finding anyone who might understand me. You know, somebody who wouldn't mind the occasional filthy hose accidentally left in the tub.
Kay: Oh, Gil, it's like you're reading aloud from my diary, it's...

Road Rage [4.08][edit]

Carjacker: Shut up!
Ruby: Okay, fella, take it easy. You shoot me, you're gonna be driving around with no driver. It's like that Herbie the Lovebug. That was a cute picture.

Sydney: Aw, missed him!

America [4.09][edit]

Ruby: Listen, Joe McCarthy was a great American afraid of nothing except walking me down the isle.
Gary:You were romantically involved with him?
Ruby: Oh, yeah. Joe and I indulged in some very un-American activities together from sea to shining sea. Hell, he was the first man I did it with in a blimp!

Harry: Ferny, isle four, top shelf.
Fern: The ass section?
Harry: Exactly.

Hype [4.10][edit]

Hellura: Remember when those design people had us staying late to watch that video, got us all hyped up about how we was gonna be taking passengers into the 21st century? Shit, we can't even take them to the Sunglass Hut! Cause that people mover's not moving nobody's ass!
Sheneesha: Again?
Hellura: Again. It's that bitch with them flip-flops.
Sheneesha: And those new automatic toilets, they sounded good on paper but in reality I don't want no goddamn sewer system telling me when to flush!
Hellura: I know that's right!
Sheneesha: I made a false move this morning and my ass got hosed good.
Hellura: You had the wet ass?
Sheneesha: I had the wet ass.

Audience Members: We're here! We're queer! We're really mad that Linda's not in the movie! Get used to it!

Obsession [4.11][edit]

Sydney: You all remember me?! Yeah? That's right, I'm the girl that you tripped in the cafeteria. Yes, I'm the one that you humiliated in gym class. I'm the one, remember, that you stuffed in the trunk of the Camaro and tried to sell to Indonesian slave traders to raise money for the new cheerleader costumes, right? Yeah, it's me! I'm back! And I'm here to right some wrongs.

Barry: You know the funny thing is I always hated dancing, especially at school. Those awful end of term discos, the sixth form gyrating about to Gerry and the Pacemakers.
Trevor: Hey, that dates you. They're probably all wearing pacemakers now.
Barry: Anyway, Johnny and Marigold, my teachers, they say that I have some sort of natural bent.
Trevor: I'm not going to comment on that.
Barry: Thank you.

The End of the World [4.12][edit]

Ruby: Bulldinky, they interrupted the Barnaby Jones marathon for all this hooey? [Ruby clicks through random channels] Oh, goddamnit, it's on every channel! And I ain't falling for this again. I learned my lesson back in '38 when Orson Welles pulled this same stunt with his War of the Worlds radio show. I was applying eyeliner to Miss Hedy LaMarr at the time for a cute little picture called Algiers. She's a pretty thing, part Gypsy. Anyhoo, when that show came on the radio, Hedy and I we ran outside and we dived under the makeup trailer and we lay there with our kissers in the dirt for six hours. Hedy was so mad when she found out it was a hoax, she put a Gypsy curse on Orson, which is why he got so fat.

Jobie: [Licking her fingers] Mmm, the cherry cheese, mmm like having an orgasm!
Fern: Who remembers?

External links[edit]

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