Tracey Ullman's Show
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Tracey Ullman's Show is a British BBC One sketch comedy television show starring Tracey Ullman. The show premiered in 2016. Each episode features the comedian portraying a variety of characters, the everyday and the ultra famous.
Episode 1 [1.01]
- Shopkeeper: Oi! I saw that. Do you want me to call the police?
- Judi Dench: I don't know what you mean.
- Shopkeeper: Oh, it's you, isn't it?
- Judi Dench: If you mean, is it Dame Judi Dench? Then, yes, it is. How very nice to meet you.
- Shopkeeper: Sorry about that. There must be something wrong with the security camera.
- Judi Dench: Yes, well, they can be temperamental.
- Shopkeeper: I loved you in James Bond.
- Judi Dench: Oh, we just try to tell a good story. And thank you.
- Shopkeeper: What was I thinking? Dame Judi Dench wouldn't shoplift. You're a national treasure.
- Judi Dench: Exactly. And because I'm a national treasure, I could get away with anything. But, of course, I don't.
- Maggie Smith: I believe there is a special name for Star Trek fans. [beat] Idiots.
- Rupert Grint: What's this?
- Judi Dench: It was awful! Somebody came over and did such terrible damage to your tablet!
- Rupert Grint: Well, who was it?
- Judi Dench: An extra, I think. I wanted to shout, but I couldn't. I was quite afraid.
- Rupert Grint: Unbelievable. You know, the same thing happened to Rickman and Cumberbatch.
- Judi Dench: Yes, that was very unfortunate.
- Rupert Grint: Both on days they were working with you...
- Judi Dench: Well, I'm sure you're not suggesting it could have been me. I'm a national treasure, I would hardly break all your devices just for the thrill of getting away with it!
- Rupert Grint: [chuckles] No. No, of course not. Sorry.
- Judi Dench: It was an unfortunate accident.
- Rupert Grint: Yeah. It's backed up. My laptop was in my trailer, that's got my whole life on it. So as long as no-one sets that on fire...!
- Judi Dench: Oh, God forbid! The plume of smoke would be seen for miles around. Will you tell the director I'll be right back?
Episode 2 [1.02]
- Angela Merkel: [singing] My economists told me we'd be talking a week
I said, darling, all these figures, to me it's all Greek
Everybody, everywhere wants some money
And they wonder why we Germans don't find things funny
If you bail out a nation you expect a little gratitude
But let me tell you, baby, all you get's a lot of attitude
One long, never-ending economic wreck
At the end of which is Germany signing every cheque
I'm a honey with the money and, honey, it ain't funny
When the honey with the money has to shell out all the money
And it's funny how the countries that suddenly need the money
And whose idea was the Eurozone?
Far, far, far on the autobahn
The pain in Spain gives me a migraine
They exploit us all in Portugal
Go to Slovakia, they just attack-ia
When you're hanging out with Putin, don't put your foot in,
Or else Putin will put his boot in
There's an inner Putin, Vladimir Putin
Mamma Mia don't mess in Crimea
Cry me a river, what are you going to do?
Birgit: Sing! Sing!
Angela Merkel: I like soul and R&B
Crowd: And Eurovision secretly
Angela Merkel: I speak Russian fluently
Crowd: Good accent apparently
Angela Merkel: Got a degree in chemistry
Crowd: At Leipzig University
Angela Merkel: I've never taken LSD
Crowd: But she drinks beer occasionally
Angela Merkel: Favourite sandwich, BLT
Angela Merkel: Her middle name is Dorothy
Angela Merkel: Eins, zwei, drei, vier Get me an Uber over here
Episode 3 [1.03]
- Jessamine: That's my apple.
- Rebekah Brooks: There you are.
- Jessamine: Thank you.
- Rebekah Brooks: You're getting very pretty, Jessamine. Tell your mummy you can be a Page 3 girl in a couple of years.
- Jessamine: Mummy, the witch says I can be a Page 3 girl!
- Kay: Yes. This is Mother's little joke. She always said that when the terrorists get rewarded with their 72 virgins, they'll be terribly disappointed if I'm one of them.
Episode 4 [1.04]
- Drama Teacher: You see, the problem is, you're all playing it like Eddie bloody Redmayne. Where is the range? I mean, what do you think of when I say range?
- Drama Student: Rover?
- Rupert: An Aga.
- Drama Teacher: Oh, Jesus.
- Angela Merkel: Mein Gott! These fuck me shoes are killing me!
Episode 5 [1.05]
- Vicar: But Angela also had a serious side. Wars, to Angela's mind, were generally a bad thing, as was...Kim Kardashian's new hair, opinions she would freely share with her beloved Twitter. Yes, she had only twelve followers, but let us not forget, so did Jesus.
- Romana: My name is Romana. I am from Hungary. I was barista, but in 2014 my boyfriend strangled me outside that pub after he said I'd been sleeping with his mate, although I hadn't, as the inquest proved.
- Horror Guide: Return to the spirit world, Romana! May you find peace there.
- Romana: Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh!
- Walker: Erm, excuse me, that's really horrible.
- Horror Guide: Well, it's a murder horror tour.
- Walker: But we thought it would be about past stuff.
- Horror Guide: Well, it is in the past.
- Walker: More in the past.
- Horror Guide: Well, so, if someone's throat was slashed hundred years ago, that's entertainment, but if they were slowly garrotted yesterday behind Waverley Station bowling alley, then that's bad, is it?
Episode 6 [1.06]
- Steph: Steph Moore. I represented Charlize Theron before the restraining order.
- Dominic: What's this?
- Krystyna: You have been coming here for one year today.
- Jose: This is your anniversary panini. It's on us.
- Dominic: Tuna melt. That's my favourite. Cake would make more sense?
- Krystyna: Cake does not have best before date of today, so...
- Dominic: Oh.
Christmas special (2016)
The Best of Tracey Ullman's Show
- Clare Balding: Merry Christmas. You're watching BBC One. I'm Clare Balding and I'm your continuity announcer for today. When they were doing the rota for holiday working at the BBC this year, lots of people wanted to be away over the Crimbo holidays, although I can't imagine why, so I said, "I'll lend a hand on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, all the way through to New Year, whatever you need, because I just want to help."
- Maggie Smith: I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my Christmas message to the nation. The Queen deserves a year off, and let's face it, some people say she's gone a bit stale. Not me. Au contraire. This is a time for reflection. Regret for those who have passed on and more regret for those who are still lingering about. It's time to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves, like those with just the one Oscar. Poor dears. It's a time when we ought to think of giving gifts, and by we, I mean you. Hampers from Fortnum's and Berry Brothers are acceptable, but do not buy a goat in my name. Whenever will I get the chance to feed it? With my knees. But in the main, it's a time for hitting the sherry from one of the aforementioned hampers - oh, Selfridges, if you must - and then drunk dialing Benedict Cumberbatch and informing him of exactly what one would do to him if one was 40 years younger. And it would take all 12 days, I can tell you.
Episode 1 [2.01]
- Angela Merkel: [singing] I thought they were my friends
I thought that we were cool
Now I'm like the schlummy dummy no-one likes at school
Behind my back they're laughing
Especially the Brits
They're like, "Angela, whatever."
Those stupid Brexit shits
On the refugees I acted
The moment when I ask for help they all gang up on me
All on my own
Here I am
All on my own
Who gives a damn?
Ratings at an all time low
Oh, man, it makes me blue
Oh, Birgit, baby, be a buddy
Tell me vhat to do
Birgit: Don't let those schweine get you down
They do not have a clue
You're the EU anchor EU banker
That's why they hate you
Angela Merkel: Too true!
Birgit: We've always worked things out
Since we were oh so small
Angela Merkel: So small!
Birgit: Dreaming of another life on the right side of the wall
Angela Merkel: I used to be so va-va-voom
It all was so light-hearted
Now when I walk into a room it's like, "Mein Gott, who farted?"
All on my own
[Birgit: No, you're not, my Chancellorette. Here I am]
All on my own
[Birgit: Nein, nein. Here I am I give a damn]
Up scheisse creek with no paddle
They've brought me to my knees
So now it's just the two of us
Birgit: And a million refugees
- Officer: Well, Madam, do you know this lady?
- Maggie Smith: I've never seen her before in my life.
- Judi Dench: But it's me, Judi! We did the Marigold Hotels together.
- Maggie Smith: Yes, and I got second billing.
- Judi Dench: You can't do this to me!
- Maggie Smith: Oh, I think I can. I'm a national treasure.
Episode 2 [2.02]
- Camilla Parker Bowles: How many mother-in-laws is that?
- Sales Assistant: Oh, that'll be £84, please.
- Camilla pulls out money with her mother-in-law Queen Elizabeth II featured on the bills.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: So that's four big mother-in-laws and one little mother-in-law.
- Sales Assistant: Thank you.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Actually, do you have any sexy underwear?
- Sales Assistant: Yeah. We do, yeah.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Hmm, I'm looking for something in tweed.
- Maggie Smith: Good evening and welcome to Dame Maggie Smith's YouTube channel. I'm now a vlogger, like a Zoella or a PewDiePie only with a proper name that doesn't make you want to vomit into a sock.
Episode 3 [2.03]
- Nicola Sturgeon: Why settle for a German Europe when you can have a Scottish world?
- Birgit returns from her meeting with Nicola Sturgeon.
- Angela Merkel: Well? What did she say?
- Birgit: Not much.
- Angela Merkel: Did she talk about me?
- Birgit: Not really.
- Angela Merkel: Did she want the beige cheeks and the poufy hair?
- Birgit: She has a very strong accent, I didn't really understand.
- Angela Merkel: I should probably try and be nicer to her, after all, Scotland did want to stay with us. Maybe we could be friends.
- Birgit: Ja.
- Angela Merkel: Was ist das?
- Birgit: She gave me a Loch Ness Monster fridge magnet. Actually, it's three magnets that fit together to make one monster. It's very clever. Do you want it for your collection?
- Angela Merkel: No. What else did she give you?
- Birgit: I think she might have offered me a job.
- Angela Merkel: What?! I knew it. I'm going give that woman a Glasgow kiss.
- Birgit: Angela! Please!
- Angela Merkel: If she wants independence, I'll make her head independent from her body.
- Birgit: Angela, I don't want everybody fighting over me.
- Angela walks out and we hear here knocking on Nicola Sturgeon's door O.S.
- Angela Merkel: Open up! Nein, this is not room service! Why are you wearing my jacket?!
Episode 4 [2.04]
- Maggie Smith: Hello, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my vlog. Well, I had to keep myself in the public eye, and my agent said it was this or eating a kangaroo's eyeball under the gaze of two gentlemen of the Geordie persuasion.
- Germaine Greer: LGBTIQHA. You have to say the lot these days, otherwise you are labelled an RTOWWAGM. That's a racist, trans-phobic old woman with a grey minge.
Episode 5 [2.05]
- Doctor: And this is our psychiatric ward.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Oh. Can you smoke in here?
- Doctor: I'm afraid not.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Well, no wonder they're all going mad!
- Doctor: This is one of our patients. This is Mr Hollis.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Hello. You're a bit crackers, are you?
- Mr Hollis: Well, I...
- Camilla Parker Bowles: I tell you what really helps - a good, strong gin. I'd be climbing the walls if I didn't have one of those at 11am everyday. It's medicinal.
- Doctor: Could we offer you a tea, maybe? Or a coffee?
- Camilla Parker Bowles: No, not for me.
- Doctor: Some water?
- Camilla Parker Bowles: I can't drink water. Fish fuck in it! That's what I always say. Oh, I'll take some of these, though. [Camilla takes a handful of sugar cubes off a tray] The horses bloody love them!
- Wee Mhairi: Our guest's arrived.
- Nicola Sturgeon: Ah, Mr Simon Pegg.
- [Simon grunts]
- Simon Pegg: Where am I? What's this all about?
- Nicola Sturgeon: Let me tell you a story, Mr. Pegg, about a wee girl who loved Star Trek, and was thrilled that amongst those boldly going where no man had gone before was a Scot. A Scot so Scottish he was called Scottie! And then she discovered that James Doohan was about as Scottish as Dolly Parton and he was, in fact, from Vancouver!
- Wee Mhairi: That's in Canada.
- Nicola Sturgeon: Thank you, wee Mhairi. Fast forward 30 years, and I hear they're doing a reboot. Surely this time Scottie will be portrayed by a fine Caledonian, but no - the role goes to a poncey Sassenach from Gloucestershire, who thinks that porridge is made with milk and sprinkled with sugar!
- Simon Pegg: What do you want from me?
- Nicola Sturgeon: I want you to call your wee friend JJ and tell him you're retiring from the role. And then you're going to call your wee, wee friend Tom Cruise and tell him that he's going to star in a film that I've written.
- Nicola hands him a script "Braveheart 2" written by Nicola Sturgeon.
- Simon Pegg: Braveheart 2? Look, this is madness. And, anyway, Tom Cruise is an American.
- Nicola Sturgeon: Ah, not when Operation Neeps and Tatties goes into effect. Show him, Mhairi.
- Mhairi reveals a screen showing a map of Scotland.
- Nicola Sturgeon:Here, you see Scotland. But, soon, things will change. And the mainland of Scotland will be joined by... West Scotland.
- Mhairi points to North America which lights up West Scotland.
- Simon Pegg: That's crazy!
- Nicola Sturgeon: There's more. East Scotland.
- Mhairi points to Russia which lights up East Scotland.
- Nicola Sturgeon: North Scotland.
- Mhairi points to Greenland which lights up North Scotland.
- Simon Pegg: Don't tell me, England becomes South Scotland.
- Nicola Sturgeon: No, that stays English. We've no interest in that little bit whatsoever.
- Simon Pegg: This is ludicrous. You're insane!
- Nicola Sturgeon: You might think so, but I won't rest until there is a branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill in every major capital city in the world, and "Donald Where's Your Troosers?" is the worldwide national anthem! Mhairi, take Mr Pegg to his quarters and shout your maiden speech to Parliament in his ear, until he comes round to our way of thinking!
- Simon Pegg: No!
- Wee Mhairi: Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker, for calling me to such an important debate...
Episode 6 [2.06]
- Angela, who is wearing a pair of novelty Union Jack sunglasses, sits down next to Birgit on an open top bus tour of London. She takes them off and surprises her.
- Angela Merkel: Uberraschung. Surprise!
- Birgit: What are you doing here?
- Angela Merkel: Well, I suddenly thought to myself, why should I help to clear all this mess up? The British can scoop their own poop. So, I arranged a private meeting with the CEO of Boots, and I let them get on with it.
- Birgit: Wunderschon!
- Angela Merkel: Yes, besides, I never see London, you know? I just see the airports and the conference centre, and Theresa May talking about Brexit means Brexit, means Shmexit, means argh... Oh, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hairspray!
- [Angela laughs]
- Birgit: Oh, you would love London, Angela. Look, it is full of German things.
- Angela Merkel: I saw a Lidl.
- Angela Merkel: Ja.
- Angela and Birgit pass by a homeless man passed out on a bench.
- Angela Merkel: Oh, look at this man drinking a Pilsner in the morning. He must be a great supporter of our German brewing industry.
- Birgit: Look, dachshunds!
- They pass a woman walking two dachshunds.
- Both: Ah! Ja, ja, ja!
- Angela Merkel: Oh, it is a German Shepherd eating a frankfurter!
- They see a man feed his dog a hot dog.
- Birgit: This is more German than Germany.
- Angela Merkel: Ja. Oh, Burgit, what are they going to do without us?
- Birgit: Oh, I don't know, mein Chancellor. These people, they look so sad.
- Angela Merkel: Maybe I should invite them all to come and stay at my place?
- Birgit: Like those Syrian friends of ours?
- Angela Merkel: Ja, ja, why not? Who knows? It's an open house.
- Birgit: Nein. You will have shitloads of the Brits paddling across the Channel. These people are desperate.
- They pass in front of Parliament. Angela stands up and raises her fists.
- Angela Merkel: Ja, that's true, that's true. Theresa, come out and fight with me. Come out, come on, give me some! Do you want some?
- Birgit raises her smart phone for a selfie.
- Birgit: Selfie!
- Angela Merkel: It's naughty.
- They pose together.
- Birgit: Ooh! Ja!
- Angela Merkel: Ja!
- Maureen: Okay, well, can you describe the man who mugged you?
- Man: Um, he was about 5 foot 10, short, dark hair. He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my phone and my watch.
- Maureen: And were you wearing what you're wearing now?
- Man: Sorry?
- Maureen: Is this what you were wearing when it happened?
- Man: Erm, yes. But...
- Maureen: You look quite provocatively wealthy.
- Man: Look, I fail to see how what I wear has any...
- Maureen: Well, just a bit of an invitation, isn't it? Like you're advertising it.
- Man: Look...
- Maureen: You seem distressed. I'm going bring one of our counsellors in. This gentleman's a bit upset. He was mugged earlier.
- Counsellor: Oh, dear. Had you been drinking?
- Maureen: Yes, cos if you'd had a drink, it can send out confusing signals. Lead somebody on, with a nice suit and the phone, and then at the last minute say, "I don't want to be mugged."
- Man: He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my possessions. I mean...
- Maureen: And you just gave them to him?
- Counsellor: Did you even scream?
- Maureen: See? How is someone to know that you don't enjoy handing over your possessions unless you make your intentions clear?
- Man: No, I didn't scream, he had a knife! I was really scared.
- Maureen: And we're very sympathetic, but I'm afraid that you're going to have to accept some of the responsibility for this.
Episode 1 [3.01]
- Carrie Fisher: I thought I'd be able to stop doing this now I'm dead. And you know what? I bet the ghost of Peter Cushing is still making more than me.
- Birgit: Try harder! You're a chancellor, not a GIF!
Episode 2 [3.02]
- Woman: Have you recently been outed as a sex pest? Would you like to pretend your disgusting behaviour is the result of an illness, rather than you're just being a total shit? Then why not check into the Some Sort of Therapy Center? The Some Sort of Therapy Center is Europe's leading facility for everyone from shamed Hollywood producers to shamed Hollywood actor-producers. Our team of, presumably, therapists is here to help you tell the world, "It's OK, I'm dealing with this myself. "No need for the police." It's the perfect place to relax, unwind and avoid facing the consequences of your actions. Our range of treatments includes counselling, or something like that, meditation, probably, and generally keeping a low profile till the heat's off.
- Woman: I just thought I could smell something, so I thought it was best to just call the council.
- Exterminator: Yeah. No, you were right to call.
- Exterminator: It's definitely an infestation.
- Woman: Oh, no. What is it, rats, termites? Worse.
- Exterminator: Hipsters. Looks like they've found their way into next door.
- Woman: Is that what I could smell?
- Exterminator: Yeah, beard oil. I'm surprised you didn't hear them sanding the floorboards and discussing Wes Anderson films.
- Woman: See, I thought I heard something, but I didn't see anything.
- Exterminator: No, well, you wouldn't, they're mostly out during the day, hanging around coffee shops that used to be ironmongers or playing ping-pong ironically.
- Woman: How do they get in?
- Exterminator: They just follow the cycle routes until they hit somewhere unfashionable.
- Woman: Can you get rid of them?
- Exterminator: Well, it's tricky, we used to smoke 'em out, but now they think we're vaping and you just attract more of them.
- Woman: Can't you put some poison down or something?
- Exterminator: Not strictly legal. Sadly. What we can do is put a bit of bait down, some old vinyl or an artisan Scotch egg. That draws them out. And then we trap them and release them in Shoreditch or somewhere. Because if you leave them, they'll just start breeding and then house prices are affected.
- Woman: Will the value go down?
- Exterminator: No, up, weirdly. No-one knows why, cos hipsters are bloody awful, but mark my words, left unchecked, they'll price you out of this place in no time.
- Woman: Oh, they wouldn't be interested in this old house. It's got the original fireplace, all the flock wallpaper, and the bathroom's from the 1930s.
- Exterminator: Oh, God, you're going to be overrun.
Episode 3 [3.03]
- Counselor: This support group is for people who are so woke that they are finding it impossible to have any fun at all. We have somebody new with us this week, so would you like to introduce yourself?
- Oscar: Hi, I'm Oscar. Uh I think, like a lot of you guys, for me it started with the little things - signing an online petition, going to a march. Well, before I knew it, I was writing to the Guardian about LGBT representation in the Harry Potter books.
- Lily: Which is shocking, by the way!
- Counselor: All right, Lily, we've all read your blog. Don't worry, Oscar, you've come to the right place. All the young people in this room are ruining their lives by being overly virtuous.
- Jamie: That's actually a micro-aggression, to say "young people", because it carries subconscious bias towards the elderly.
- Lily: Actually, what you're doing is denying agency to the elderly, which is arguably much worse.
- Counselor: This is what I'm talking about, you see? It's a slippery slope. One minute you're carrying a reusable water bottle - fine, and the next minute you're arguing that water is racist.
- Oscar: Oh, my God, is water racist?
- Counselor: No, no. It's just an example. Right, how did you guys get on with the homework that I set you?
- Jamie: "Guys" isn't an especially inclusive term.
- Counselor: Not now, Jamie.
- Lily: By homework do you mean having to watch that old people sitcom?
- Counselor: It's called Friends, Lily, and you were supposed to watch it and enjoy it.
- Lily: Well, I tried, but I found it deeply problematic.
- Counselor: Why?
- Lily: Well, there's the homophobia, the transphobia, the fattism, the slut-shaming, and could Chandler BE any more annoying?
- Counselor: You can't go through your 20s worrying about every aspect of everything. You have to pick your battles, and just remember that it doesn't really matter because by the time you hit your 30s, most of you are going to be massively right-wing anyway. Have any of you started to think that maybe poor people don't deserve benefits?
- Lily: No.
- Counselor: Well, watch out for that one, because that's how it starts. Look, I understand this has all been a bit much for some of you, so let's take five and have a Hobnob.
- Jamie: I find the word Hobnob very phallocentric.
- Counselor: Fuck off, Jamie.
- Angela: Birgit, have you seen this? All these poor actresses earning less than their male co-stars. I mean, come on, people! It's 2018.
- Birgit: It's disgusting, is vat it is.
- Angela: Ja. These poor woman living in the shadow of this male-led system in which they are horribly outnumbered and over Birgit, vat if all the male world leaders are earning big bucks and I am making half of what they do? Vat if I am Michelle Williams and they are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs?
- Birgit: Don't be so ridiculous. You are not Michelle Williams.
- Angela: Although...?
- Birgit: Although you do look like sisters. But there's no way the Greek PM is earning more than you.
- Angela: Oh, I didn't mean the Greek one. He probably makes less than you do!
- (both laugh)
- Angela: No, but what about the Putins and the Trudeaus and the Macrons?
- Birgit: Ja, but that is not a fair comparison. Trudeau and Macron make a fortune from calendars alone.
- Angela: And Putin bare-chested on that horse sells an awful lot for a country with no gays.
- Gavin gives a Cub Scout salute.
- Major General Edwards: That's a Cub Scout salute.
- Gavin Williamson: Right. What is the proper salute?
- Major General Edwards: It's Army, (she gives the middle finger) Navy, (she gives 'a Harvey Smith') Air Force. (she gives a wanking hand gesture)
- Gavin Williamson: Ah, so my next-door neighbour thinks I'm in the Air Force! I'm glad I asked.
- Theresa May: I had so much I wanted to do, and at some point I was going to tell everyone what that was!
- Theresa May: What's that?
- Philip May: Oh, just a little something to help you. It's a CD to teach you how to talk to humans. You just listen to the phrases, and then repeat what they say.
- CD: How are you?
- Theresa May: Strong and stable.
- Philip May: No - repeat what it says.
- CD: The weather has been uncomfortably warm.
- Theresa May: That's Jeremy Corbyn's fault.
- Philip May: Yeah, we'll try again later, shall we?
- Theresa May: Yes.
Episode 4 [3.04]
- Jeremy Corbyn: But I want you to know that I'm completely on top of all this Jewish stuff, lads. I've spoken to every single anti-Semite in the Labour Party and I've told them, in no uncertain terms, tone it down a bit.
- Theresa walks into the room and looks in the drawer and behind the pillows nervous and suspiciously. Philip is on his laptop.
- Philip May: What are you up to, old thing?
- Theresa May: I'm looking for cameras. Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching us?
- Philip May: Right now? I don't think so. Well, the Russians probably are. And the CIA, I imagine. And MI6 won't want to feel left out, but other than that, no. What's brought all this on?
- Theresa May: Well, I was flying back from the G7 and I decided to relax.
- Philip May: Oh, good, did you?
- Theresa May: No, but I decided to, and that's a start. So I thought, "I'll watch a film. "Well, I couldn't watch Paddington because it's about an illegal immigrant with no skills. And I couldn't watch The Shape Of Water because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve of sexual relations with fish men.
- Philip May: Especially outside marriage.
- Theresa May: So I watched a film called The Truman Show.
- Philip May: Oh, I see where this is going.
- Theresa May: Hear me out, Philip. Because it all adds up. Ever since I became Prime Minister, things have been utterly bizarre. It's all too bad to be true. I held an election against a man who was supposed to be unelectable. I didn't win, but I had to carry on regardless. Anyone in the Cabinet who likes me has to resign and I'm forced to promote rejects from the bin of Dr Frankenstein. But And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe and we need allies, the US elects a shouting Scotch egg. And he's in peace negotiations with North Korea, but on the brink of war with Canada. Canada! And I have to rely on the DUP, who don't like gay people, but the Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian. None of it adds up.
- Philip May: Yes, but, darling, you did win on the Brexit Amendment.
- Theresa May: That's because they have to keep me on the show. It's all designed to torment me. I'm trapped inside The Theresa Show. And the audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.
Episode 5 [3.05]
- Wife: I think the boiler's just sexted me!
- Philip May: That came for you. More shoes?
- Theresa May: Yes. Buying shoes is my way of relieving stress. That and closing libraries. If only we could get a trade deal from somewhere, Philip. Something that could really rally the country and shut Boris up for five minutes.
- Philip May: It is an awfully big box.
- Theresa May: Yes, they use so much packaging. Pull here. And
- Donald Trump: Witch hunt!
- Theresa May: Oh, Mr President. What a pleasant... shock.
- Donald Trump: I thought, hey, why don't I do a practice run to the united England? I wanted to avoid the crowds of people in the streets who all love me. After this, you can post me to the North Korea summit. I'm not going to the summit! I am going to the summit. I am going and I'm not going to the summit.
- Theresa May: So you came all the way in this box? Was it a good journey?
- Donald Trump: It was tremendous. I watched Black Panther on my phone. You know, I truly believe that if I had been in that fight on that waterfall, for the Kingdom of Wakanda, I would have won it very easily. A very popular king. The best king. Oh, what's that? Is that the Brexit button? Can I push it?
- Theresa May: No, don't. That calls the SAS, so best not to.
- Philip May: You know what? Since he's here
- Theresa May: Oh, that's a good idea, Philip. Donald, we would love for you to sign this, it's just a little trade deal to show the world that Brexit isn't a slow, creeping catastrophe. Sorry, it's a HUGE trade deal.
- Donald Trump: Ooh!
- Theresa May: The biggest one of all time.
- Donald Trump: Oh, OK. Well, I'll sign it. But first, let's talk about me. Who am I going to golf with when I come here? I mean, not you. You're not famous. (indicating Philip) And you're not hot. (indicating Theresa)
- Philip May: We did speak to a number of golfing celebrities about that, but they say they're washing their hair.
- Donald Trump: All of them?
- Philip May: No, some of them said they were dead.
- Theresa May: Listen, I'm sure that a lot of people would love to play golf with you, and as soon as you sign this, we can call more of them.
- Donald Trump: Uh Wait, I want to threaten nuclear war with North Korea real quick. (Tweets on phone) I'm bored. What are we doing now?
- Theresa May: Well, um, you're signing this trade deal.
- Donald Trump: No, I mean tonight. What do you guys do on the weekend?
- Theresa May: I like to stay in and then I go to church.
- Philip May: Sometimes you mix things up a bit.
- Theresa May: Yes, I go to church and then I stay in.
- Donald Trump: I don't believe in God. I am very religious.
Episode 6 [3.06]
- Birgit: OK, it is time for the video chatten.
- Angela Merkel: Ah, yeah, you know who I should call? Emmanuel Macron. Very important German-Franco issues to cover. It's very pressing.
- Birgit: But, Mein Chancellor, you have Skyped him five times this morning.
- Angela Merkel: Well, we have much to discuss, and his eye for the mature sex machine is of no relevance. None.
- Birgit: You know who you must sprechen ze with, and you can't put it off one minuten longer.
- Angela Merkel: No! I don't want to talk to Herr Trump! He hates me and I hate him more, and not like you see in the romen-kommen just before they start kissing.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Now, would you like anything to drink?
- Male House Guest: Yes, please.
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Gin or vodka?
- Male House Guest: Um Coffee?
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Christ, one of those health nuts. How do you take it, gin or vodka?
- Male House Guest: Milk?
- Camilla Parker Bowles: Well, it's out there in the cow. Do help yourselves. Just pull the bit at the bottom.
- Tracey Ullman
- Zahra Ahmadi
- Ben Ashenden
- Emily Atack
- Elizabeth Berrington
- Kevin Bishop
- Ricky Champ
- Jamie Demetriou
- Amanda Dickinson
- Martha Howe-Douglas
- Jade Ewen
- James Fleet
- Jason Forbes
- Tony Gardner
- Tala Gouveia
- Derek Griffiths
- Luke Kempner
- Laurence Howarth
- Liam Hourican
- Katherine Jakeways
- Dave Lamb
- Joan Linder
- Omar Malik
- Georgia Maskery
- Johnny McKeown
- Lucy Montgomery
- Olivia Morgan
- Carlotta Morelli
- Aaron Neil
- Sue Elliott-Nicholls
- Tracy-Ann Oberman
- Laurence Rickard
- Colin Salmon
- Dan Renton Skinner
- Samantha Spiro
- Alfie Stewart
- Nico Tatarowicz
- Daniel Lawrence Taylor
- Gwen Taylor
- Brona C. Titley
- Kim Wall