Trailer Park Boys

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Trailer Park Boys is a Canadian sitcom/mockumentary focusing on the misadventures of ex-convicts living in the fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park which is located near Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Season 1 (2001)[edit]

Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park[edit]

Ricky: Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.
Randy: I've only got two left, I'm not giving you any.
Ricky: You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.

Ricky: You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.
Cyrus: Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from, helmet head?

[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]
Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!!
[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]
Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!! That's my shit!!
Cyrus Obviously you didn't hear me when I said clear out your own shit. Now, I want a new TV, I want a VCR, and I want my porn tapes replaced because those were the creme de la creme.
Julian: I want you out of this park.

Ricky: Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that, Number One: we're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number two or three, or whatever the fuck number we're on...

Julian: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.
Ricky: No more than two weeks, I promise.

Julian: What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!
Cory: Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here, there was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers[edit]

[A dog barks off in the distance]
Ricky: Shut up! You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya. I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!
Julian: Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! (cuts to Julian inside the trailer) Well, I've been out of jail for a week now and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.
Ricky: Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.
Julian: I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.
Ricky: Stop fucking barking!
[Gunshots are heard as Julian runs out of his trailer to see Ricky firing his pistol]
Julian: Ricky, what are you shooting at?!
Ricky: Shut the fuck up! Squirrels and dogs and assholes! (fires off his pistol once more) Shut up!
Julian: Ricky, Ricky! Hold your fire. What are you doing?
Ricky: Shh, shh. Listen, listen.
[The dog continues to bark]
Ricky: Asshole. (fires off his pistol)
Julian: Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.
Ricky: I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.
Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?
Ricky: I can't handle this living in a car shit.
Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?
Ricky: Listen to this shit. (fires his pistol again)
Julian: Get in the car. (pushes Ricky into the car) Get in the car.
Donny: STOP FUCKING FIRING!!
[Ricky honks the horn to get the dog to stop barking]
Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: Shut up!
Ricky: I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.
Julian: Ricky, what are you doing?
[The dog continues to bark]
Ricky: Assholes. (brings out his pistol)
Julian: Ricky! (stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand) Listen, give me that gun. (takes the pistol)
Ricky: You don't know what it's like living in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.
Julian: That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.
Ricky: I can't sleep!
Julian: Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.
Ricky: Why?
Julian: 'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.
Ricky: It's not a big deal, Julian.
Julian: Think, Ricky, think.
Ricky: I can't sleep, is the problem.
Julian: Go to sleep.
Ricky: Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?
Julian: No more of this shit.
Ricky: I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.
Julian: You're not going to fire it at all. (gives Ricky his pistol back, then walks off) Go to sleep. Idiot.
[The dog continues to bark]
Ricky: Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP! (fires his pistol)
Julian: Ricky! Put that thing away!

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile, Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start]
Bubbles: I want my kitty.
Ricky: Fuck off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!
Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.
Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.
Bubbles: He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.
Ricky: Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.
Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't. Never said you could keep him.
Ricky: What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?
Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!
[Julian storms out of his trailer]
Julian: Will both of you guys shut up!
Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!
Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!
Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!
Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!
[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]
Ricky: Look. You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got 4 plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have 1 cat to protect my plants.
Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.
[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]
Julian: Stay in the car!
[Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]
Julian: Bubbles, take your cat! Get out of here! Ricky, you stay in the car!
[Ricky struggles to get the door open]
Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!
[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]
Julian: CALM DOWN!
Ricky: FUCKIN' LET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT THAT CAT BACK! I NEED HIM!
Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.
Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer; through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard]
Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um. I think Lucy was about 18 or something.
Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever and. I mean, it was. It was a long time ago and. You know, nothing really happened.
Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and. I experienced memory loss and woke up and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but. I don't know, I just got out of there.

[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]
Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?
Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.
Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.
Lucy: Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!
Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?

[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose that's duct-taped to the side of his car]
Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park... It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out! I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.

Jim: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?
Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?
Jim: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!
Ricky: And you could teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good, 101.

[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]
Ricky: What are you doing, Julian! The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sasparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...
Julian: Get out of my way.
[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]
Ray: What are you doing with the tones, Julian?!
Julian: Get off my property, Ray!
[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]
Ray: What what? No, hey, ho, wait!
Ricky: Take it easy, take it easy, man!
Ray: Nah, forget it, Ricky! If he doesn't want me here I'm goin' man! I'm not wanted here!
Ricky: It's my property!
Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!
Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!
[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]
Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! 8 bucks!
Julian: I'm not joking, Ricky.

Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape![edit]

Julian: Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!
[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]
Julian: Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?
Ricky: What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? 'Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts! I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show and I'm sick of you and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!
[Jim rolls past, slowly]
Ricky: I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!
[Jim drives off]
Ricky: Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.
Julian: Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?
Ricky: I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.
[J-Roc and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]
J-Roc: What's goin' on, honkies?!
Ricky: J-Roc?
J-Roc: Damn you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some brute up in that ma-fucka!
Ricky: Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face!
Tyrone: Hey man, take it easy...
Ricky: No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park.
J-Roc: Actually. If you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!
Ricky: You're gonna make me some money?
J-Roc: I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!
Ricky: Well if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto!

[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]
Ricky: Do you ever watch pornos?
Julian: Why?
Ricky: Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.
Julian: They're greasy.
[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]
Ricky: Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.
Julian: You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-Roc, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.

J-Roc: You gonna be a great big star, Gee! Ma-fuckas in Russia... Why do you think Reveen does so good over there, you know what I'm sayin'? You gonna be bigger than Reveen! Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good!

J-Roc: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the J-Roc, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But I ain't shook, 'cause ma-fuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?
J-Roc: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm Census? You countin' my Know'm Sayin's? We're hangin' out, right?
Tyrone: 80 or 90 times? That's too many Know'm Sayin's, know'm sayin'?
J-Roc: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? and you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's!
Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, know'm sayin'? No...
J-Roc: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's all the time, you know'm sayin'?
Victoria: J-Roc, I think you're saying it way too much.
J-Roc: Sayin' what?
J-Roc/Tyrone/Victoria: Know'm sayin'?

Bubbles: The whole idea of it's got me pretty damn frisky, too! It's been, uh...Been quite a while since that stuff went on with me. I'm really frisky!

[filming From Russia With The Love Bone]
Victoria: Gee, Stacy, I bet we could get like $12,000 for this on the open market.
Ricky: Everybody freeze. What's going on here?
Stacy: Maybe there's something that we can work out, Sergeant, yes?
[Stacy drops and begins unbuckling Ricky's pants]
Ricky: Ah, maybe there is, yes.
Bubbles: Sergeant Boris. What's going on here?
Ricky: Corporal Alexi, we found the motorcycle bandits. They want to work something out.
Bubbles: That's them, is it? Let's get it on, then!
[Ricky can't get it up]
Trevor: Testicle difficulties, please stand by.
Ricky: J-Roc, I can't do this. I'm thinking about Lucy, and. I don't know what's, I. I need about 5 minutes here.
J-Roc: Aight. Aight, cut.

J-Roc: Aight, Soft Serve. Here's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do the X-to-the-X-to-the-X. So we gonna do some SC witcha candy, that's soft-core, right? Know what I'm sayin'? it's still gonna play in hotels and all that and you're still gonna be a star. But Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles. You wanna get with her?
Bubbles: Well, if it's OK with her I certainly would.
J-Roc: That aight?
Stacy: Yeah, that's cool.
J-Roc: Aight.
Stacy: Don't be nervous, Bubbles. I'll take good care of you.

[Ricky is trying to threaten Jim into relinquishing the porno tape]
Ricky: Just remember Lahey, what comes around is all around!
Jim: Don't you mean what's all around comes around, Ricky?
Ricky: This isn't fuckin' over yet.
Jim: That's nice talk to use on television. Eh? Don't forget you started this shit storm, Limpy!

[Julian, listening to his phone messages]
Ricky: Julian! It's Ricky here. Just letting you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options. I'm gonna go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahey and I'm thinking about killing Randy as well and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it, he's probably gonna give me a hand because we both can't have this tape floating around. So, anyway, you know, I was kind of counting on you to maybe help plan this, but if you don't want to that's up to you. I just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know that you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up[edit]

[Julian throws his water bottle out of the Shitmobile]
Randy: Made it. Look, he just friggin' littered right in the park for god sakes.
Jim: The son of a bitch.
Randy: What an asshole.
Jim: I don't. Eye. Eye. Goddamn cigarettes everything.
[Ricky gives Jim the middle finger]
Randy: See, they're just lookin'. They're trying to get us goin', eh?
Jim: I you know. You know, do you know what recidivism is Randy?
Randy: I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A1 class act recidivists up there. Look at him.
[Ricky gets out of the Shitmobile to make the the Fuckmobile stop]
Ricky: Fuck off!

Trinity: I shot my Daddy in the bum and Mummy's gonna get mad at me.
[Trinity takes a bite of a weed brownie]
Trinity: These taste funny!
[Trinity throws the weed brownie into the yard]

[Julian is driving Ricky and the dog after Ricky got shot and the dog ate weed brownies]
Ricky: It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.
Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for 45 minutes.
Ricky: Look, I'm bleedin' to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!
Julian: Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved, Ricky. Think!
Ricky: I don't give a. I'M BLEEDIN' TO DEATH HERE! YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT! LOOK AT MY ASS!
Julian: I don't care about your ass, Ricky! I gotta call Levi.
Ricky: LEVI?! FUCK LEVI! I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!
Julian: Listen, Ricky. If that dog dies I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death. Alright?!
Ricky: I don't give a fuck about the dog! Alright?
Julian: SHUT UP!
Ricky: WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?! ME OR THE DOG?!
Julian: SHUT UP!
Ricky: WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT?!
Julian: SHUT UP!
[Julian dials Levi's number on the cordless phone]
Ricky: Fuckin' bleedin' to death here!
Julian: Come on, Levi.
[Levi answers]
Julian: Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.
Ricky: You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?
Julian: Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.
Ricky: I DIDN'T FEED THE DOG BROWNIES!!!
Julian: YOU FED THE DOG!!
Ricky: HE ATE THEM!!
Julian: SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE, RICKY!!
Ricky: I NEED FUCKIN'!!
Julian: SHUT UP!!
Ricky: THIS IS FUCKED UP!

[Ricky and Julian are trying to break into a barn to steal a riding lawn mower}
Julian: Here you go, break in.
[Hands Ricky a crowbar]
Ricky: Why do I have to break in?
Julian: Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!
Ricky: It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.
Julian: Hurry up!
[Ricky takes the crowbar and pries the door open, an alarm sounds]
Ricky: Jesus Christ!
[Ricky draws a pistol and shoots into the barn, silencing the alarm]
Ricky: Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!
[Ricky and Julian are struggling to push the lawn mower out of the barn, Ricky falls down and an inflatable raft falls down on top of him. He gets up and angrily slams the raft back up against the wall while the sound man leans over the lawn mower, attempting to catch it all]
[Ricky grabs the boom mic]
Ricky: Hey retard! Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!
[The sound man puts the lawn mower into neutral, allowing them to push it easily]
Ricky: Oh, it's in neutral now. Well sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.

[Farmer comes out with a shotgun]
Ricky: Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa. who the fuck is that guy? What do you want?!
Julian: Relax, Ricky.
Ricky What do you want?!
Farmer: WHAT'S GOING ON?!
Ricky: Nothing.
[Farmer shoots at them]
Sound Guy: FUCK! AH FUCK!
Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: Get in the truck!
Sound Guy: I'M FUCKING SHOT! Ahh, fuck!
[Julian drags Sound Guy in the truck]
Julian: RICKY, GET IN THE TRUCK!
Sound Guy: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!
Julian: GET IN THE TRUCK!
Sound Guy: FUCK! Cover me, man! I'm fucking shot again here!
[Julian fires off shots]
Sound Guy: I'M FUCKING SHOT!!!
Julian: HOLD YOUR FIRE!! SOMEBODY'S HURT HERE!!!!!

I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay[edit]

Ricky: Knock knock boys?
Trevor: Who's there?
[Ricky gives Cory and Trevor 2 middle fingers directly in their faces]

Randy: You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.
Julian: Guys, guys! Break it up! (runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing)
Ricky: You give me that beer back!
Julian: Ricky, shut up!
Jim: This is drunk and disorderly!
Ricky: You owe me a 12 pack of beer, asshole!
Julian: Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey, Lahey.
Jim: I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.
Julian: Lahey.
Jim: What?
Julian: Lahey, get him off the street.
Jim: We've been tryin' to get him off the damn street.
Julian: Get him out of here! (pushes Randy away) Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard!
Ricky: Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? (holds the cigarette to his waist) 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.
Julian: Ricky. (drags him away)
Jim: You got 1 joke in your resitory!
Ricky: You owe a beer and you owe me a beer, you assholes!
Jim: Come on, Randy.
Ricky: Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?
Randy: What?
Ricky: Fuck off!

Ricky: The thing is when you're shopping for a ring you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian fuckin' things. She's gotta have a nice ring. (while rummaging through stolen loot during a break-and-enter eating a cheese sandwich)

Ricky: You know Jim or Jim knows you?
Cop: Jim. Jim, my dad Jim?
Ricky: Jim's your dad? Oh yeah. He mentioned he had a son on the force.
Cop: Yeah?
Ricky: Yeah, him and my dad go way back!

Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?[edit]

Cory: Everybody down!
Trevor: This is a robbery!
Julian: Everyone keep calm! We don't want your money and we don't want to hurt anybody! We just want some food! Stop fuckin' around! Get in position!
[Trevor pumps his shotgun, Bubbles and Julian are stealing a bunch of hotdogs and Cory and Trevor are stealing chip bags and bananas]
Cory: This is gonna be the best wedding ever, dude.
Trevor: Holy shit. So cool.
Cory: What the fuck do you have so many bananas for dude?
[cuts back to Julian and Bubbles stealing hotdogs and cuts back to Cory and Trevor]
Cory: Fuck with the corkscrews and shit, man.
Trevor: Fuck. Why are you always telling me what to do?
Cory: There are fuckin' bananas in the cart, dude. We don't want bananas at the wedding. No one eats bananas at the wedding.
Ricky: Lose some smokes.
Cory: Hands up!
[Ricky pulls out his pistol and fires it then Trevor fires his shotgun and Bubbles fires his Uzi]
Bubbles: Holy fuckin' Jesus! What the fuck have they doing?
[Trevor continues to fire his shotgun and Cory is firing his pistol]
Julian: Put your gun down! It's us! It's us!
Ricky: Julian!
Julian: Stop shooting, you dicks!
Ricky: What the fuck's going on here?! I just came here for smokes! What the hell's going on?!
Cory: Sorry dude, man, we didn't know.
Ricky: (to Julian)You're stupid, (to Cory and Trevor) you're stupid, (to Bubbles) you're a fuckin' idiot.
Bubbles: The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!
Ricky: You could've killed me over there! The fuck?!
Julian: Ricky, shut up! (points to the surveillance camera) Ricky!
Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes! (shoots down the surveillance camera)

Julian: Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!
Cory: Out of the way, dudes.
Trevor: Aw shit. (picks up a bag of chips)
Ricky: I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.
Julian: Get in the truck, Ricky!
[Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck]
Julian: Come on, move!
Ricky: Retarded. What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!
Trevor: I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.
Ricky: Fuck off, boys.
Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!
Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!
Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!
Julian: Leave the cart!
[Ricky throws the cart away]
Bubbles: Come on!
Ricky: Get in the fuckin' truck! GET IN!
Bubbles: Jesus Christ!
Julian: Get in!

Ricky: You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robin a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are fuckin' dumb!
Julian: Ricky, would you calm down?
Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down, Julian!
Julian: Calm down!
Ricky: I'm pissed off! (points to Bubbles) I'm pissed off at you, (points to Cory and Trevor) and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!
Julian: Ricky.
Trevor: Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.
Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!
Julian: Ricky! Would you-
Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!
Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!
Bubbles: Can everyone just please stop it?
Julian: Oh, look what- You're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!
Ricky: I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.

Season 2 (2002)[edit]

What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?[edit]

Bubbles: Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do, go to EI and say: 'Hello there, I've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and I've been doing it for 18 years...so give me a fuckin' check please.' That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

Jim: Oooh, nice Mall Cop uniform, Ricky!
Ricky: Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood.
Jim: I beg your pardon. I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick.
Ricky: Knock knock.
Jim: Who's there, Rick?
Ricky: Somebody.
Jim: Somebody who?
Ricky: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor cuz you got fired from the police force cuz you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job cuz you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on you from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life! Now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!

Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard[edit]

[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]

Julian: What are you guys doin'?
Trevor: We're helpin' Sam.
Cory: Yeah man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.
Bubbles: You guys aren't doin' well in the thinkin' department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.
Ricky: And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promotin' him.
Trevor: He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.
Ricky: Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck offs right now. Get rid of these stupid signs, you dummies.
[Ricky gives Trevor the 2 middle fingers and throws the sign]
Cory: Damn, dude. He kinda seemed okay.
Julian: Trust me, Sam's not a good guy. I've got a history of him, okay? You guys stay away from him.
Trevor: Can we still eat the hot dogs?
Ricky: You guys are so stupid. Do you know that?
Cory: Sorry, dude.
Ricky: Let's go, smokes.
[Trevor gives Ricky a cigarette]
Bubbles: Let's go, smokes.
Trevor: You don't even smoke, Bubbles.
Bubbles: Gimme a smoke, hair do!
Trevor: Fuckin' startin' to run out! (gives Bubbles a cigarette)

A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty[edit]

[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt-to-the-ground shed]
Bubbles: Oh, I think that's yours, Ricky. Stupid f... (trying to hold back tears), stupid fucking dope plants!
Ricky: They're not dope plants, they're just. Some vegetables we were growing.
Bubbles: Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' believe that, Ricky.

[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]
Bubbles: Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fuckin' bubble maker! That was the only thing I had, that my parents gave me before they fuckin' deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big melted, fuckin' blob of shit!

Bubbles: You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.
[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]
Sam Losco: What the fuck?
Bubbles: All right, arsehole, clean up this fuckin' garbage!
Sam Losco: Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call Animal Control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep.
Bubbles: Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh huh huh huh huh huh?
[Bubbles swings a pair of nunchucks at Sam]

The Bible Pimp[edit]


Tanya: Have you read the Bible?
Bubbles: Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?
Hampton: Can you read, my son?
Bubbles: Well, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?

Julian: I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.
[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]
Bubbles: Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?
Julian: Come on. This is getting ridiculous.
Bubbles: Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.
Julian: Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.
Bubbles: That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either. Till you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Jim: Okay, boys. Rule number one: No living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
Bubbles: J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.
J-Roc: Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about. You know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for twelve dollars a month. You know'm sayin'? That makes this mafucka an income property. You know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this mafucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma'. You know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' mafucka go on 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.
[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-Roc's hand]
Tyrone: That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!
J-Roc: Oh, hang on.
[J-Roc leans his ear to Randy's gut]
J-Roc: Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?! You know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: Order me some too, man!
[Bubbles laughs]
Bubbles: Talking to his gut like it's a person.

[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]
Ricky: Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian what's this bullshit?! Fuck.
[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]
Ricky: Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!
Julian: Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.
Ricky: Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On[edit]

Electric Worker: Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.
Randy: We know a guy who fits that description to a T, don't we, Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?
Electric Worker: You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.
Lahey: Bingo.
Randy: Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?
Lahey: Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

Ricky: Randy, come back here for a second.
Randy: What's up, Rick?
Ricky: Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.
Bubbles: Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.
Randy: Gummiworms, OK. Ja-lap-ano chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?
[Julian shakes his head no]:
Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?
Julian: (changes his mind) Yeah, pick me up a bag of ja-lap-ano chips.
Randy: All right.
Ricky: Jalapeno? What flavor is that?
Julian: Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.
Bubbles: The "J" is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-pee-no," not "ja-lap-ano."
Ricky: What in the fuck are you guys talking about?
Bubbles: Hal-a-pee-no. Hal-a-pee-no. That's how you pronounce it.
Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Jim: Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview, right now, with a warrant.
Ricky: Bullshit!
Julian: What are you talkin' about, Lahey?
Jim: You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.
Ricky: This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.
Bubbles: Holy shit.
Ricky: Great guys, what are we gonna do now?
Bubbles: I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?
Ricky: I don't know.
Julian: Meeting inside, let's go!
Bubbles: What's a shit rope?
Ricky: He's drunk. I don't fuckin' know.
Bubbles: Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?

The Bare Pimp Project[edit]

Bubbles: What kind of trouble can I get in for driving you guys with all this dope and these guns and all the crazy bullshit?
[cuts to Cyrus and Sam being arrested by police officers]
Ricky: It's not a big deal, Bubbles, don't worry about it. We got in a little bit of a gun fight, I got shot a little bit, it's no big deal. A bit of dope to get rid of. We're fine.
[cuts back to the boys]
Bubbles: I don't know, Ricky. I heard that, you know, you could get in a lot of trouble for havin' that much dope and guns.
Julian: Bubbles, you'll just get a slap on the wrist, man. Everything'll be cool. You might get a fine or somethin', I'll take care of it, I promise.
Bubbles: But you guys will get in big trouble.
Ricky: It's no big- we've been in a lot worse shit than this, Bubbles. This was nothin'. What the... Aw, fuck, great! A heli-fuckin'-copter!
Bubbles: Oh, God!
Pilot: Bravo Tango 1, we have the suspects heading north on Highway 1O3, in a Bronco pulling an Airstream trailer. Suspect is leaning out of the vehicle.
Ricky: (leans out the window) Get the fuck out of here! There's nothin' to see here! Leave us the fuck alone! We're just on vacation! I'm callin' the cops 'cause you're flying way too fuckin' low, you assholes! (gets back in the vehicle) Fuck, this sucks right now.
Julian: This is going to be cool, boys. We're gonna get away with this. Don't worry about it.
Ricky: Fuckin' Cyrus. Fuckin' Sam.
Bubbles: There's a helicopter behind us!
Ricky: No shit! Just keep drivin', we'll lose it in the trees up here or something.
(cuts to a cat standing in the middle of the road)
Bubbles: Is that a kitty on the road?
Ricky: I need a fuckin'-
Bubbles: THERE'S A KITTY ON THE ROAD!!!
Julian: NO!
Ricky: DON'T DO IT!
[The Bronco swerves violently, causing it to crash]
Bubbles: (gets out of the Bronco) Boys, come on! She's gonna blow!
Ricky: Son of a bitch!
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky!
[Ricky and Julian get out of Bronco]
Pilot: Vehicle has crashed. Repeat, vehicle has crashed. Suspects are on foot.
Ricky: I'm never gettin' in a vehicle with you again!
Bubbles: I'm not gonna run over a kitty to save your dope, Ricky!
[A rooster crows and Bubbles hides behind a hay bale]
Julian: Come one, boys. Let me think.
Bubbles: We gotta hide!
[Sirens are wailing]
Julian: Boys! The cops! Ricky, give me your gun!
Bubbles: I'm gettin' out of here!
Ricky: Boys, the hash! The hash is still in the trailer! We gotta get it!
[A cow moos]
Julian: Ricky, Ricky! There's no hash in the trailer!
Ricky: What!? You smoked all the hash!?
Julian: I sold it this mornin'! Check it out, the evidence is on fire! They can't do shit to us!
Bubbles: Ricky! Julian! Help me! I'm all tangled up in this fuckin' wire!
Ricky: Cone on, guys! We gotta get out of here!
Julian: We're not leavin'!
Bubbles: Ricky! Julian! Help me! I'm all tangled up in this! Fuckin' wire!
Ricky: Come on, both! We gotta get out of here!
[Julian and Ricky pulls up Bubbles]
Bubbles: Help me out!
[The cow moos again]
Cop: Freeze! Nobody Move!
[The other cops arrest the boys]
Ricky: Alright, everybody calm down here! Get this fuckin' cop around here and just calm down! This guy's totally innocent! He's a farmer came out to help us out of he wreck, he saved our lives and you guys are gonne be sued if you arrest him cuz he's innocent!
Bubbles: That's right! That's right! I can't see that well and I tripped into that wire! I don't even know what's fuckin' going on here! (The cow moos again) The helicopter over there! The cows are scared! (The cow moos again) Everybody can get the fuck off my property!
Pilot: Two suspects in custody. Headquarters has identified another vehicle approaching. Jim Lahey, trailer park supervisor from the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. The other man with no shirt is Randy.
Jim: Hey, boys! Good luck back in Con College!
Ricky: Fuck you, Lahey! Gets this fuckin' helicopter out of here! Come on, guys! You know this now right now!
Jim: Julian, you owe me $500 damage to the Airstream!
Julian: Not a problem, Lahey! I'll give it to you as soon as I'm released!
Ricky: Which would be in a little bit cuz we didn't do anything wrong. There's no evidence. Nothing happened. We're on a little vacation here, guys. Had a bit of an accident. Calm down. You guys don't got shit! You don't have jack shit! There's no fuckin' evidence. Nothin'. I want your bathrooms 'cuz I'm soon here.
Julian: Everything's cool here, Ricky!
Ricky: If they think we're going to jail, they're fuckin' dreamin'! I'm suing your families, your grandparents and your fuckin' pets! I need a cigarette here! Fuck sakes!
Bubbles: (Feeds the cow) There's the food that you like. Eat very tight. There you go.
[The cow moos again]
Bubbles: Pretend like you know me.

Season 3 (2003)[edit]

The Kiss of Freedom[edit]

Ricky: Julian, I can't deal with this bullshit right now!
Julian: It's alright, man.
Ricky: What time is it, Bubbles?
Bubbles: It's 11:30 Ricky.
[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]
Bubbles: Ricky, you can't fuckin' lay up in the bank!
Ricky: I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! 38 grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!
Unknown Man: Uh-oh.
Julian: Ricky, calm down.
Ricky: Julian, fuck all this bullshit. Fuck this bank. Let's just go spend it, man. Let's go shoppin'. We need some gifts, come on.
Julian: Ricky, were gonna set up some GIC's and some RSP's, man. That's an investment.
Bubbles: Bingo.
Julian: You got it?
Ricky: Fuck investments, Julian.
Julian: Listen, we can go on vacation every year, man. Go on a cruise or something.
Ricky: I don't give a fuck about a cruise. I wanna go spend the cash right now.
Bubbles: Ricky, that's what smart people do with their fuckin' money. Invest it. Julian's handling all my finances.
Julian: Listen, we just set up a few business in the trailer park, man. Why don't you let me control your money.
Ricky: Control my money? Fuck RSVP's, Julian. What about Freedom 35!? I thought we were fuckin' retired!
Bubbles: Uh-oh.
Julian: Calm down.
Ricky: I grew the fuckin' dope! It's my fuckin' money!
Bubbles: You can't scream dope out in the bank.
Ricky: Dope dope dope-itty fuckin' dope dope!
Bubbles: Here's security.
Ricky: Fuck.
Julian: I can walk out on my own, guys.
Bubbles: Perfect!
Julian: I can explain this.
Ricky: Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fuckin' cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!
Bubbles: Everybody calm down! We're leavin'!

[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Jim]
Ricky: Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand-new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.
Jim: That'll cost you, Ricky.
Ricky: Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.
Jim: Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?
Ricky: I got lots of money, Lahey.
[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]
Jim: Oh, I get it. Never mind.
Ricky: Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.
Jim: Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5000 down.
Ricky: Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuck row knots.
Jim: Yeah? And I don't trust you, shit bat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.
Ricky: Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by 5:00 tomorrow. That's some fucking collateral, isn't it?
Randy: You'll kiss his bare ass?
Ricky: That's what I said, dumbass.
Jim: Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?
Ricky: Gimme a fucking pen!
Jim: Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?
[Jim hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]
Ricky: That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you one-hundred dollars to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fucking thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.
Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but...You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not fucking going anywhere because I'm gonna fucking stall on you and it pisses you off!
Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her.
[the Shitmobile stalls out]
Ricky: Yeah, you know what's coming, don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!
Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that old Yorker. (unwraps a Tootsie Pop) Purple.

Lawyer: I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.
Lucy: This is the guy, right here. The guy in the track suit.
Ricky: Who in the fuck are you?
Lucy: He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.
Ricky: And I'm a fuck offer.
Lawyer: Richard, hi, I've heard so much about you. (hands Ricky some papers)
Ricky: What the hell is this?
Lawyer: Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.
Ricky: You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? (hands the papers to Bubbles) A lot of big words there, man.
Bubbles: Three years child support payments you owe, Ricky.
Ricky: Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies making up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father am I, Trinity?
Lucy: Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, OK?
Ricky: Some do!
Lawyer: I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.
Ricky: Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college reading and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be banging him!

Ricky: Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks and I want to see some fucking fireworks! Come on!
[standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]
Ricky: All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!

Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?
Lucy: Yeah, what?
Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?
Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.
Lucy: I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.
Sarah: No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]
Ricky: Just a second, buddy.
[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]
Bubbles: Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.
Ricky: (to camera crew, drunkenly) Hey, stop fucking filming me in here.
[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]
Bubbles: The fuck are you filming him pee for?
Ricky: Turn off the fucking camera.
[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]
Ricky: (to camera) Fuck off.

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]
Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand-new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.

Jim: All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.
Bubbles: Go fuck yourself, Lahey.

Ricky: Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like 9 years old.

Jim: Where's the five grand, Ricky?
Ricky: It's right here, Shitler.

Saleswoman: Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.
Ricky: Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!
Saleswoman: Hi, sweetie!
Ricky: So what's the damage?
Saleswoman: Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.
Ricky: What? For a bunch of fucking books?
Saleswoman: Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...
Ricky: Oh no, shhshhshh no no no. I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!
Jim: Is that all the money you got, Ricky?
Ricky: Well, I got. I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.
Jim: Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?
[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]
Cory: Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!
Trevor: You deserve this, Ricky!
Sarah: My God, Lucy let's. Let's get Trinity out of here right now.
Lucy: Ricky, you did the right thing.
Ricky: Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.
Jim: (unbuckles his belt) It would be my pleasure, Ricky!
Ricky: Jesus Christ.
Jim: Pucker up, boy! (pulls his pants down)
Randy: Make it a quick one, Ricky!
Ricky: Bite me, Randy.
[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]
Randy: That's enough!
Trevor: I can't believe he did that!
Cory: Damn, that's sick, dude!
[Ricky spits]
Trevor: I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?
Jim: Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!
Randy: Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.
Julian: Leave him alone.

Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor[edit]

Ricky: I haven't stolen a 10-speed in over 2 years.

Bubbles: Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a spaceman. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say. Uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than that.' I don't give a fuck.

Ricky: Knock knock.
Bubbles: Who's there Ricky?
Ricky: A bootlegger. A bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it. 'Cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation.
Julian: Putting you in an awkwardly situation?
Ricky: Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.
Julian: Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy: You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.
Ricky: It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.
Randy: It's still my walkie!
Ricky: I guess you didn't hear what I just said. 1st thing I said was it's my walkie now, 2nd thing is you're suspended, and the 3rd thing was fuck off.

Jim: Strike 3, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.
Ricky: I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.
Jim: Ricky.
[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]
Randy: You just crossed the line, Ricky!
[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]
Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm Fucked[edit]

[Trinity runs up to Ricky's car, where he is sleeping on the hood.]
Trinity: Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!
Ricky: Trinity has got to quit smoking, like I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together, we're going to go on the patch.

[Ricky is training Cory and Trevor to steal gasoline.]
Ricky: Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container. Diesel in the green. OK? Are we clear here, guys?
Trevor: Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?
[Trinity throws grass at Cory and slaps his arm 3 times]
Ricky: What, are you stupid? You fuckin' taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.
Cory: Will you please. For god sakes, stop it, man. Can you do somethin' about your daughter?
[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again]
Cory: Stop it. stop it.
Ricky: Just let her hit you, Cory. Stand down and listen to me.
[Trinity slaps Cory's arm again and they fight each other]
Cory: Stop it. I'm not lettin' ya.
Ricky: Are you gonna fight my daughter who's 9 years old?! Cuz you're probably gonna get hurt, okay? Boys, don't fuck this up. I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it. Or I'll report both of you to Julian and you won't be goin' on this fuckin' cruise, okay?
Cory: Come on! That's ridiculous, dude!
[Trinity pushes Cory back]
Ricky: Cory, shut the fuck up, leave my daughter alone and listen to me. Go to the store, get Julian some rum and go siphon some fuckin' gas, alright? Cuz I gotta take Trinity to go get some patches.

Trevor: (spits gas out of his mouth) Sneeze old man.
Cory: Man, I'm feelin' sick, dude.
Trevor: Then we should stop doin' this.
Cory: Yeah man, but the cruise. We gotta do the cruise.
Trevor: Yeah. I guess it's not that bad.
Cory: Aw shit! Security Dude!
[Cory runs away]
Trevor: Well fuck man!
[Trevor takes the gas containers and the security guard grabs Trevor]
Trevor: What the fuck are you doin'!
[The security guard falls over and Trevor runs away with the gas containers]
Trevor: Fuck you!

Prosecutor: Thank you Mr. Lahey for your expert testimony and for providing this very illuminating tape. Your honor, I think the video evidence clearly speaks for itself and that any sane and rational person would have no choice but to convict these individuals of these ridiculous crimes.
Ricky: Blah blah blah blah blah fuck.
Prosecutor: Oh F objection! that's the 17th time that he has sworn so far.
Judge: Richard, please.
Ricky: Alright, I'm fuck. I'm sorry about the bulls. About all the stuff but the prosecutor is a f... He's a. He's an F in bad guy and he's. He's pissin' me off.
Prosecutor: He can't even speak without swearing. Your honor, this is ludicrous. It's a disgrace to these proceedings.
Judge: Thank you. Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.
Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.
Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.
Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked. And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit. It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' miss draw.
Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone! Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!
Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.
Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.
[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]
Ricky: Let's go, smokes!
Prosecutor: But I only got 2 left!
Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me!
Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of God.
[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]
Judge: Just the defendant, please.
Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fuckin' grin off his face because it's distraculating my case. Next I want to announce that Lahey and Randy have been drinkin' all fuckin' day, they're wasted out of their fuckin' minds and they're both assholes. And the testimony they gave was total fuckin' bullshit. I can prove it and show you what really fuckin' happened here.

Who's the Microphone Assassin?[edit]

Bubbles: Hi, Linda.
Linda: Hi, guys.
Ricky: Hoy are you doing? What's going on?
Linda: Too bad.
Bubbles: Listen, can we talk to J-Roc for 1 minute?
Linda: Yeah, he's in his room. He can stand the noise. I made some pancake. You want some, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Yes, please. Put some butter onto it.
[Inside J-Roc's trailer and rap music is playing]
Linda: Jamie! Jamie, your friends are here! Jamie? Turn down that damn music! What can year thing. Come on, Jamie! (opens the door)
J-Roc: Mom?
Linda: Ga fuck! You know what I'm sayin'!
J-Roc: (turns off the music) Turn that shit off, muthafucka! I was gettin' changed, you knowemsayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!
Bubbles: Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!
Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera. What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?
J-Roc: I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!
Ricky: Changed my ass, you fuckin'.
J-Roc: You non-knockin' muthafuckas!
Ricky: That was fucked.
Bubbles: That was a bit fucked.
J-Roc: It wasn't that fucked, you knowemsayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?
Julian: Listen man, I got some good news for ya... get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.
J-Roc: A'ight. (pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he changed with) Peace, Bub.
Bubbles: Don't touch me.
J-Roc: You ma-fuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was gettin' changed, right?
Bubbles: No! Christ, no.

[Jim and Randy get out of the Fuckmobile]
Jim: Julian, what the hell's this shit?
Julian: Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?
Ricky: So I guess you 2 can fuck off!
Jim: Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair triggered, double barreled shit machine gun and the barrel's pointed straight at your own hits!
Randy: So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?
Jim: Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball. We can play hardball too.
Ricky: You guys are fucked, you know that? (grabs Randy) Get the fuck in you car!
Jim: Clean this up!
Ricky: Get the fuck out of here!
Jim: You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!
Bubbles: Shit! In you go, fatty.
Jim: The day of reckoning is at hand boy!
[Jim revs the Shitmobile and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers]
Ricky: Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!
Randy: Ricky!
Ricky: You guys are so fuckin' stupid. (gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand)
Randy: Get this cleaned up.
Bubbles: Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.
[Jim drives the Fuckmobile backwards and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again]

Closer to the Heart[edit]

Ricky: Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like gimme an R-O-C-K and the crowd yells rock really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!
Bubbles: I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R.
Ricky: Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outerspace bullshit.
Bubbles: Gimme a fuckin' R.

Ricky: What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?
Cory: Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?
Ricky: That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.
[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]
Ricky: There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!
Trevor: Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!
Julian: All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.
[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]
Cory: Nice!
Ricky: You sure about this?
Julian: I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!
Cory: That's cool.
Julian: I think I can get us some dope, man.
Ricky: Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?
[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]
Ricky: How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?
[Another cop walks up, Ricky gives him money, the cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky]
Ricky: Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

Bubbles: Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember 'Closer To The Heart'? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in 87?
Ricky: That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during 'I Like To Rock'? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!
Bubbles: That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.

[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]
Desk Attendant: Welcome to the Prince Elliot.
Ricky: How's it goin'. I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?
[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]
Ricky: Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.
Ricky: I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Alex Lifeson: Look, look, I'm not a ticket agency, I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.
Ricky: You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!
Alex Lifeson: I'm sorry.
Ricky: He's just one of these guys that, 'Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody,' and 'I'm a big fancy rock star,' and 'You can't talk to me!' So, it pissed me off.
[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]
Alex Lifeson: Hang on a second, man! Hang on!
[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]
Ricky: Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
Alex Lifeson: Come on, give me a break!
Ricky: Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.
[They walk into the lobby]
Ricky: Hotel Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!
Desk Attendant: What's going on? Male prostitute?

Alex Lifeson: Where are we?
Ricky: The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?
Alex Lifeson: This is totally kidnapping.
Ricky: This is not fuckin' kidnapping!
Alex Lifeson: This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.
Ricky: I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!
Alex Lifeson: I don't do that kind of stuff!
Ricky: Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this shit!
Alex Lifeson: Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!
Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Alex Lifeson: You are crazy!
Ricky: It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'.
Alex Lifeson: You're gonna go to jail for a long time.
Ricky: I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?
Bubbles: Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and. Stole a human being!
Ricky: It's like a little rehearse Lee. Play a couple of songs then you can go back to your little dream world or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playin' your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

Julian: Hey, buddy.
Ricky: Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?
Julian: He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...
Ricky: I got better than tickets. Check this out.
Julian: Ricky. Ricky. this. You're from Rush.
Ricky: Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is J... ah, Gored, uh, Downy. This is Alex. Hey, play I Like To Rock.
Alex Lifeson: That's April Wine.
Ricky: Well, play that Diane Sawyer song. Just fuckin' play somethin'. That's why you're here.
[Alex Lifeson plays a song on the guitar]
Julian: Ricky, what's he doing here?
Ricky: I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.
Julian: You kidnapped him Ricky.
Ricky: That's not kidnapping.
Julian: You don't boro people.
Ricky: It's totally cool man. We worked it all out.
Julian: You were. Alright, can you stop playing this just for a second. Alright. he ya alright. I'm gonna untie you and you're not gonna call the police. He's just a big fan. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping. I'm sorry man. Like are we cool or what?
Alex Lifeson: You untie me, you get me back to my hotel. It's no problem.

[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]
Julian: I'm sorry about all this shit, man.
Alex Lifeson: OK. It's all right.
Ricky: Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!
[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cab where to go]
Ricky: Fuckin' shove me...
Alex Lifeson: I'm going downtown.
Ricky: You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dick tree.
[Ricky throws the coins at his feet, Julian helps him pick them up]
Alex Lifeson: I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!
Ricky: Just get the fuck out of here, would ya? He's kind of a dick.
Julian: You fucked up big time.
[Alex Lifeson gives Ricky the middle finger as the cab drives off and Ricky gives Alex Lifeson the middle finger]
Julian: Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.
Ricky: He fuckin' started it.
Julian: No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?
Ricky: Julian, look. I fucked up and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?

[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]
Ricky: This is fucked up, Julian.
Julian: Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun man.
Bubbles: This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!
Julian: You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Yes, I wanna see Rush!
Julian: Get down there. You want me to go next?
Bubbles: Please. What if something gets me?
Bubbles: Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!
[Julian lifts up a grate]
Bubbles: We did it Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?
Julian: Shh!
Bubbles: That is him!
Ricky: Shh!
Alex Lifeson: Sorry, Randy? I got this t-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.
Randy: No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.
Alex Lifeson: Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.
Randy: Never do.
Jim: Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.
Alex Lifeson: Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.
Jim: He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the winter time.
[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]
Jim: How did you idiots get in here?!
Bubbles: Hi, Alex.
Ricky: Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!
Randy: How's this shit?
Bubbles: See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' t-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.
Randy: I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the t-shirt on Randy]
Jim: Randy doesn't wear shirts!
[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the t-shirt while the other try to pry him off]
Jim: Take the garbage downtown, boys.
[The guards drag the boys away]
Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
[The boys get out of the cab]
Bubbles: This is fucked!
Ricky: Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!
Julian: Boys, it wasn't that bad.

[Alex is in his dressing room, playing Red Barchetta]
Ricky: What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?
Alex Lifeson: Oh, not this asshole again! What are you doing with my clothes?! (to Julian) I thought we had a deal here! No cops?
Ricky: Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.
[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]
Randy: Alex, we're on in four...
Alex Lifeson: Oh, great.
Randy: I'm friggin' tellin'!
[Randy runs out of the room]
Ricky: You fuckin' asshole!
Randy: Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!
Ricky: Fuckin' dicks.
Alex Lifeson: Guys, please. Gimme a break, here. I gotta get back on stage, I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes right now!
Ricky: What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?[edit]

Jim: Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, public idiot number 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.
Ricky: Gimme the fuckin' phone. (takes the phone out of Jim's hand)
Jim: Ricky is a low shit system!
Ricky: Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snoopin' around my fuckin'. Ah, this fuckin' thing. (throws the phone)

Julian: Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Jim: Julian, I'm collectin' paperwork and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? Cuz you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watchin' you, Julian. Like a shit hawk. Like a shit hawk. Come on, Randy.
Bubbles: Julian, what's a shit hawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?
Julian: Bubbles, shit hawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.
Bubbles: Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?
Julian: No, he's just bein' a dick. Listen, man. There's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that. Everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him.
Bubbles: Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shit hawks flyin' around, shit ropes comin' after me. Shitty this and shitty that.

Ricky: What in the fuck? Are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?
Jim: It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.
Randy: No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.
Jim: We were practicing, Randy.
Randy: It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.
Jim: Randy.
Randy: We're consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is. Is fine, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: Randy, please.
Randy: And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun. And that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!
Ricky: What?
Randy: Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.
Jim: Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody. I'm gay.
[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]

A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots[edit]

Ricky: What's wrong, sweetie?
Trinity: You're always in jail for Christmas.
Ricky: I'm gonna do my best to stay out of jail this year. That what the cruise all about. We're gonna go on the cruise instead of go to jail. I'll tell you what. I got a great idea. Why don't we have Christmas today?
Trinity: Really?
Ricky: To make up for all the Christmases I was in jail drunk. We'll have real presents and everything.
Trinity: Cool!
Ricky: (Gets out of the paddle boat) Come on out.
[Trinity also gets out of the paddle boat and Ricky throws a glass bottle and a bag into the lake]
Trinity: You're allowed doing that! That's littering!
[Cuts to Ricky sitting on his car]
Ricky: I've notice that if you throw something into a water. Body like a lake or an ocean that the next day you come back and it's gone. So somehow it takes it away and filters it through and just cleans it up like a garbage compactor or whatever. So it's not really littering if you ask me.
[Cuts back to Ricky hanging out with Trinity]
Ricky: That's fine. The water's gonna wash it all away, sweetie. Aw shit! We're gonna have to borrow a tire from somebody, Trin.

Ricky: The fastest way to get money is to steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances to realize. All you gotta do is take a fuckin' chain, hook it up to the truck and yank the fuckin' back machine out of the store.

[Ricky arrives at the gas station and the bell rings]
Jacob: Oh fuck. Excuse me, sir. Can you please step 20 feet away from the pump? I'm gonna extinguish your cigarette.
Ricky: Can you please fuck off? Thank you.
Jacob: Ma Ricky. Put it out. You got me fired from 9 jobs already this summer. I can't handle it. I'm gonna call the cops.
Ricky: Go ahead, Jacob! Call the fuckin' cops! I dare ya! You know what, you're not gonna call the cops, are you? Cuz you're scared. Please call them. I wanna fuckin' go to jail anyway! Dick!
Jacob: Yeah, I'm callin' 'em. Yes, I grew to report a robbery, please.
Ricky: (throws the things) Ah, fuck off, Jacob!
Jacob: It's a black car with no door and a bunch of crap hanging off the back. Are you driving it? At the gas station.
[Ricky flips Jacob off and leaves the gas station]
Jacob: I can't believe this shit!
[The bell rings again and Julian arrives at the gas station]
Julian: Did that guy steal somethin'?
Jacob: Yeah, man. He stole a bunch of shit from me.
Julian: Did he tell you to call the cops?
Jacob: Yeah, he dared me to and I called 'em. They're on their way.
Julian: Look, my friend has psychological problems. I want you to call the cops back. Tell 'em you fucked up.
Jacob: Man, he stole about 200 bucks worth of shit like, I don't know.
Julian: Here. 70 bucks. That should cover it.
Jacob: Uh... I'm gonna get shit from my boss.
Julian: There's 20 bucks for callin' the cops back. We cool?
Jacob: Yeah, man. We're cool.
Julian: Thanks, man.

Ricky: Hey everybody. Come on over, please. Just want you guys to know that I am drunk as fuck, drivin' around town drunk, I'm on dope and I want you to call the police. I wanna go back to jail, please. Not only that, but I got a loaded handgun right here. I'm gonna start firin' this off. So please call the cops. (fires his gun) What, you're not gonna call the police? Ah, fuckin' Julian. Great.
Julian: You got 2 options here, okay? 1. Go on this awesome cruise with all your friends. All inclusive and have a good time. Or number 2. Go to jail. This isn't a difficult decision, Ricky!
Ricky: I'm not goin' on the cruise if Erica is, alright? So I guess I'm goin' the fuck back to jail. That's why I'm doin' this shit. Well, Erica's just got this attitude like she's better than everybody else just cuz she's wearin' a fuckin' badge and that's bullshit. Like she's not better than me. We just have different occupations or whatever. I'm just as good as she is. You've changed, man.
Julian: Meet me back at the trailer park, Ricky.
Ricky: Sure, Julian.
Julian: I'm not jokin' here.
Ricky: I'll meet you back there I'll be there in 2 minutes. No problem. You just wait right there. I'll be right there, buddy. Fuck that. We're goin' somewhere else. Come with me guys.

[Ricky arrives at the police station]
Ricky: Alright! Somebody come and fuckin' arrest me, please! (throws a liquor bottle)
Julian: Listen, I need you to keep an eye on Ricky for a little while, okay?
Ricky: I want to go to jail! You hear me?! (throws another liquor bottle)
Julian: He won't listen to me. I think he really wants to go back to jail.
Ricky: (tries to open the doors) Closed for renovations!? This is fucked!
Bubbles: Alright, Julian. I'll do it but. Don't you notice the look Ricky has in his eye? That crazy look? I've seen it before.
Ricky: I took the car to go to jail!
Bubbles: It scares me. I don't want anything stupid to ruin this cruise on us.

Cory: Hey, everybody! How you doin'! This is my friend Mr. Gun! My special guest Smith and Wesson says get your ass down and give some quarters! This is a stick up, real deal, real gun, full cooperation and no one gets done! Yeah! So listen to me cuz that's what I say when I rock hip uh...
Trevor: Stop fuckin' robin, man. This is a real thing.
Cory: Down please miss. Down. Down. Alright, you just keep doin' what you're doin'. You're cool, that's alright. Tall boy, get down! Don't make me fuckin' get up there!
Trevor: Come on, we want your change.
Cory: Down!
Trevor: Give us your change now.
Cory: Dude, just take the fuckin' quarters!
Trevor: Please get on the ground! Aw, man. Look at these little things of detergent. (takes the detergent) We should take some of these too.
Cory: Thank you very much. Thank you.

[Ricky is honking his horn]
Bubbles: Thanks for the milk shake, Julian. It's delicious. Heh heh heh heh.
Ricky: I AM DRUNK AS FUCK!! DRUNK AS FUCK!! (Throws a liquor bottle at Julian's car)
Julian: Is that Ricky?
Bubbles: I would say it is, Julian.

Jim: My god! It's Ricky!
[Ricky smashes the Boom Gate]
Jim: Yeah, we got a 10 72 at the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Thank you very much. Well Ricky, it looks like you fuckin' shit goose this time.
Ricky: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck your gay.
Jim: Willful destruction of property, theft under a thousand dollars, trespassing, dangerous driving. You're goin' back to jail, boy.
Ricky: Good. Did you call the cops yet?
Jim: Yeah I did.
Ricky: Good. I want to go back to jail.
Jim: You wanna go.
Ricky: Hey, Trin.
Trinity: Hi.
Ricky: Where did you get this rim?
Trinity: I borrowed it, daddy. Just like you taught me to. Merry Christmas.
Ricky: Like I taught you to? What do you mean?
Jim: Apples don't fall far from the tree. Do they, Rick?
Ricky: Lahey, I got a lot to deal with before I go back to jail. I don't have time for your shit right now so fuck off.
Jim: Speaking of shit, Rick, which you were. When a shit apple falls from a tree and grows up in a field of shit. It doesn't have any choice. Just like Trinity. She's gonna grow up to be a shit apple tree. Just like her father. Have fun in jail, Rick.
Trinity: I wanna go to jail.
Ricky: Trinity, don't ever say that again. Okay? Don't joke around.
Trinity: I wanna go to jail. Jail, jail, jail, jail.
Ricky: Trinity, stop it! I'm serious. Don't ever joke about that. You're never going to jail, okay?
Jim: Oh yes she is, Rick.
Ricky: No she's not, Lahey. So fuck off.

Season 4 (2004)[edit]

Never Cry Shitwolf[edit]

Bubbles: J-Roc! Listen, Julian got out of jail early, he doesn't even know we're growing weed. I gotta create a distraction, J-Roc. Can you please let me say we got this car for him as a present?
J-Roc: Bubbles, this is my brand-new whip, ma-fucka! Don't do that to me, you know what I'm sayin'?
Bubbles: Come on, J-Roc! I'm in a jam. I got an idea... Two grams of blonde Lebanese hash?
J-Roc: Let me check this shit out...
Bubbles: (drops the hash) Shit! (hands J-Roc the hash) Check that out.
J-Roc: Bubbles, that ain't even blonde, you know what I'm sayin' ma-fucka... (smells the hash)
Bubbles: It's dirty blonde, though! Look, it's got blonde streaks into it, it's Lebanese...
J-Roc: All right, Bubbles. Don't say I didn't have your back, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on, my treat?
Julian: All right, all right!
Bubbles: And then we're gettin' drunk, all right?
Julian: Okay, thank you!
Tyrone: Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some chicken, man. Get me a quarter chicken dinner, extra gravy.
DVS: Fa sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.
J-Roc: Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.
Bubbles: Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!
J-Roc: Oh, so now I'm like, 'you got my whip,' you know what I'm sayin', 'but I ain't got no chicken!'

Jim: Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.
Ricky: Yeah? What's that, Lahey?
Jim: My Grade 11.

[bottle kids are walking down the street]
Ricky: (honks horn) Get over here you little f... NO NO NO NO NO! Don't throw bottles at me! Don't throw bottles at me ever, OK? Now listen up. I want you to hit lot 423, hit it hard, OK? You guys know what flaming shit bags are? Good. Throw some of those in the mix. I got 2 big bags of chips. I'll give you one now and one when you're done. Move it out, boys. (bottle kids run off) He can stick his Grade 11 up his ass.

Jim: Are you really this fuckin' stupid?
George: Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really tired of it. So when he calls for help because there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes, because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?
Jim: George, I know it looks like I'm off the.
[George interrupts him]
George: Listen. What we have here, Jim, is a shit wolf. Do you know what a shit wolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shit wolf, and each time I come running. No more, Jim. Never again.
Jim: J...
George: Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.
Jim: George.
George: No. Say it Jim. Say it.
Jim: Never cry shit wolf.
George: That's right. Now get your sorry ass out of here or you're spending the night in the drama tank.

A Man's Gotta Eat[edit]


Ricky: Here's a little piece of hash, go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.
Randy: I can't get stoned, Ricky
Ricky: What do you mean? It's shitty work, everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work.

Julian: You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya, Randy?
Randy: Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky: You gotta come back to the trailer park right now. I got a job for you, it's gonna be perfect: Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor.
Julian: (laughs drunkly) Assistant.
Ricky: That's right, buddy. 4600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straigten all the shit out man, things are gonna be cool.
[Randy overhears]
Randy: Hey Ricky, I'm looking for work!
Bubbles: Fuck off, Randy!

Ricky: How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?
Randy: Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?
Ricky: No, Barb made these for me.
Randy: I want my fuckin' burger, Rick!
Ricky: Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.
[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]
Ricky: Fuck off Randy!
Randy: Fuck you!
Ricky: You get the fuckin' chicken chips.
[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]
Ricky: Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!
[Jim sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to perform oral sex on him]
Ricky: Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!
Randy: IT'S MINE!!
Jim: Smokey!
[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy]
[Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]
Ricky: Fuck!!! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!
[Ricky takes out his gun and starts shooting aimlessly]
Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!
Julian: What are you doing?! Give me that!
Ricky: I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!
Jim: Randy, how could you do that?
Ricky: Jesus Christ!!!
Randy: Do what?
Jim: What you were doing with Ricky?
Randy: I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.
Ricky: Is that a fuckin' bow and- You fuckin' shot me!
Jim: It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.
Ricky: I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!
Julian: Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.
Ricky: That doesn't even make sense, Julian.
Julian: It's even, Ricky.
Ricky: I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!
Bubbles: Hold still, Ricky.
[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]
Ricky AGHHHH!!! FUUUCK!!!
Julian: Get outta here!
[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]
Randy: Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!
Ricky: I never said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!
Julian: Rick, go home!
Ricky: Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!
Bubbles: Everybody calm down!! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!
Randy: Yeah.
Bubbles: Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Rub 'N Tiz'zug[edit]

Narrator: The Sasquatch. Fact or Fiction?
[Bubbles' cat meows]
Ricky: Those big hairy monsters are real, Trin. Look at them.
Trinity: No they're not.
Ricky: What person never moved like that in the history of people?
Julian: (wakes up) Fuck!
[Julian is walking to Bubbles' shed and then tries to go into Bubbles' shed]
Narrator: It is nocturnal by nature. So logically, there would be relatively few sightings. Yet, there had been literally hundreds of sightings all across North America for generations now. Can all these people be wrong?
[Bubbles is calling Ricky]
Ricky: Trevor, stop fuckin' callin' me. I got no dope. Hey, Bubs. Man, are you watchin' this stock am interested of Saskatchewan's?
Bubbles: It's samsquanch, Ricky and there's one outside my fuckin' door right now. He's tryin' to get into my shed.
Ricky: Holy shit, Bubbles. I see him. Don't scare him. This fucker's worth a lot of money.
[Ricky tackles Julian from behind]
Ricky: Got the cocksucker, Bubbles.
Bubbles: Hrraaaaah! Hrah!
[Bubbles and Ricky beat Julian up with baseball bats]
Trinity: Get him, daddy!
Bubbles: Jesus! He took my bat! He took my. Aaaah!
[Julian hits Bubbles and Ricky]
Bubbles: Crank him, Ricky.
[Ricky continues to beat up Julian with a baseball bat]
Bubbles: See how big his feet are!
Julian: What the fuck are you guys doin'!?
Ricky: Holy fuck. He can talk, Bubbles.
Bubbles: My god, Ricky. That's 'cause he is Julian. Julian.
[Julian gets up and then falls back down]
Ricky: Holy fuck, man. Are you okay?

Julian: The fuck were you doin', boys?
Bubbles: Sorry, Julian. We thought you were. Samsquanch.
Lucy: What is going on?
Ricky: Julian just beat the shit out of us with bat.
Lucy: God, you guys got serious problems. Trin, we're gonna go to my mother's house for a couple days. I don't want you to see your father in this light. Have a great time, kids.
Ricky: What's that supposed to mean, Lucy?
Trinity: Good night, daddy.
Ricky: See ya, sweetie. Lucy, it was an accident.
Bubbles: Do I have a mark here, Julian? It's a retender.
Ricky: I'm goin' to bed, boys. I'm sore as fuck. Good night.
Bubbles: Good night, Ricky. Top bunk, Julian. I think Bullard's comin' on.
Julian: Fuck that dick.
Bubbles: Where's Shitrock at? Shitrock! Shitrock! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Ricky: Hey, Bubbles, you awake? I need some duct tape, buddy. My knee is fucked.
Bubbles: Hang on, Ricky. (walks out of his shed)
Ricky: Got some cereal, man. It's new. It's fuckin' awesome.
Bubbles: Oh yeah? Your knee's fucked, is it? I got some tape somewhere but. You tape my arm up
Ricky: I'll look after it.
Julian: Boys, I can't even straighten my arm up. Look what you did to me, Rick!
Ricky: Oh, look who's despicably thinkin' about themselves, huh? What about me, Julian!? Look at my fuckin' eye! See that!? And I can't even walk?
Bubbles: Julian.
Ricky: Bein' selfish, man.
Bubbles: Sorry we beat you up. I really am but I did think that you were a samsquanch.
Julian: What are you callin' samsquanches?
Bubbles: That's what I've called them since I was little.
Julian: Well, they don't exist.
Bubbles: Bullshit.
Julian: Alright.
Bubbles: They don't.
Julian: This is the deal, boys. We're gonna be doin' some work today.
Ricky: No fuckin' way, man. I gotta get drunk. I'm sore as fuck!
Bubbles: I can't, Julian.
Julian: No, no, no, boys. Listen. Boys, boys.
Bubbles: I can't do it.
Julian: You're gonna help me steal some furniture. It's the least you can do.
Bubbles: I'm too sore, Julian.
Ricky: Bubbles? Go get some tape. We'll tape ourselves up and we'll go steal some furniture for Mr. Fuckin' Selfish. Holy fuck, this cereal's good.

Trinity: Daddy, daddy, daddy! Randy and Lahey broke in and tried to steal inside your chicken finger box!
Julian: Hurry, Ricky. They got half the dope map.
Bubbles: Oh my god.
Julian: Nice work, buddy.
Ricky: Julian, it's not a big deal, alright? They got a little piece and we named all the dope fields after cats anyway. They don't have a fuckin' clue.
Julian: It coulda been a bid deal though, Ricky! Lahey's gonna try anything to get us thrown back in jail! Alright, we gotta set up a front to distract those dicks.
Bubbles: How much the dope map did they get, Ricky? Ouch. Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, you figure?
Julian: Massage?
Ricky: Look, Julian. I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff but. Why can't we just steal more furniture and. Fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a used furniture store or some shit.
Bubbles: A used furniture store is not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted make a few bucks.
Ricky: Exactly. Get 2 birds stoned at once.
Julian: We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture alright, boys. But we're gonna rent them out by the hour.
Bubbles: Oh, that's greasy.
Ric: That's really fuckin' greasy.
Julian: Yeah, it's greasy.
Bubbles: Gree-hee-hee-easy.

Julian: J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?
J-Roc: Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya know what I'm sayin'?
Julian: Cyrus?!
Ricky: What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?
Cyrus: Well well well. If it isn't the big, tough Julianne. The Hubble Bubble Telescope. And Helmet Head.
Bubbles: Fuckin' call me a telescope.
Cyrus: Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dick weeds.
Ricky: Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?
Cyrus: (chambers a round) Why don't we fuck on?
Cory: Julian, where's the hand cream?
Cyrus: (takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand) I know one of you dickheads did this to my car, cuz you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.
Tyrone: You failed Grade 10?
Cyrus: (points his gun towards the Roc Pile) Fuck off! And what's this, I'm a fuck head? Huh?
Ricky: Actually, it says I'm fucked in the head 'cause you are.
Sarah: Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.
Ricky: I don't fucking know, they went home two hours ago. They told me.
Sarah: Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.
Donny: GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!
Ricky: Randy takes his pants off when he wants to fight. He can't fight in tight pants. He's worried about ripping his precious little pants. So when the pants come off, look the fuck out.

The Green Bastard[edit]

Julian: Listen, why don't you try focusing on the weed a bit more, OK? Instead of being trailer park supervisor. You're fuckin' up, man.
Ricky: Sounds like someone's a little bit jealous about me being supervisor.
Julian: No, no, those plants are getting huge, Rick, OK? They're starting to scare me a bit.

Bubbles: Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!
Ricky: You look good, buddy!
Bubbles: Green Bastard!

Ricky: You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general direction and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?
Barb: Don't! Richard!
[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's windshield]
Barb: RICHARD!
Bernie: My car!
Ricky: I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!
Barb: Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this!
Jim: You're right Bernie, he's the epitoam of refractory!
Ricky: Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor here! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!
Bernie: Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! (grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away)
Ricky: What the fuck do you wanna talk about?
Bernie: You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the line with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. (clenches his fist) 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.

Bubbles: Cory Braid head. He gets him set up for the clothesline. URRRH!! (clotheslines Cory) Oh my GOD! He fuckin'. Devastating! You all right, Cory?
Cory: Yeah, I'm fine.
Bubbles: I don't give a fuck, actually. (body slams Cory onto the mat) Get in here, Trevor! Come on!
Trevor: Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! (Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away)
Bubbles: (puts his hand up for a high-five) Aw, come on, boys! Boys!

Conky[edit]

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles! I got something for you!
Bubbles: Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!
Ricky: I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.
Conky: Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do. Stupid!
Ricky: Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now. (turns his attention back to the puppet) If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here.
Julian: No no no. (pulls Ricky aside) Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma.
Bubbles: What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't.
Julian: No no no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!
Bubbles: What's it like in a coma?
Julian: Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's OK to go to the hospital?
Bubbles: Conky, do you think. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?
Conky: Well I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and. Rickyyyyy! (disturbed giggle)
Ricky: Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.

[The boys are at the hospital]

Ricky: It's okay, Bubs. It's okay.
Nurse: Can I help you?
Julian: Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a.
Bubbles: No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. And is this gentleman with you too?
Ricky: Yeah, I'm fuckin' with him. What do you mean, there's no smokin'?
Nurse: And what is your problem, sir?
Ricky: Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fuckin' truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?
Conky: And she's fucked in the head.
Ricky: Conky.
Conky: He needs a brain transplant.
Ricky: (grasps Conky by his throat) I'm serious, you better fuck off.
Julian: (moves Ricky's hand away from Conky) Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
Ricky: You've been fucking with me all goddamn day here.
Nurse: Washington hold wide. Please, Washington. Sir, let's all just calm down.
Julian: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ricky: You want a piece of me, you little dick? Huh?
Julian: Ricky.
Conky: Don't you touch me.
Ricky: (punches Conky in the face) Stop fuckin' lookin' at me, Conky.
Nurse: What is the gentleman's first name?
Julian: Bubbles.
Ricky: Fuckin' dick.
Nurse: And what is his last name?
Julian: Uh... just Bubbles.
Ricky: Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.
Nurse: Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?
Julian: He lives in my shed. Ricky lives in his car.
Nurse: Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?
Ricky: I do have one last bit of information for ya. (gives the nurse the 2 middle fingers) This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?
[the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk]
Ricky : Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!
Julian: Guys, guys, guys, guys.
Ricky : The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car, you won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?
Conky: Nice going, Ricky.
Ricky : Fuck you, Conky.
[the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital]
Ricky : Fuck!
Orderly: Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers.
Conky: Fuck off, Washington. Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!
Bubbles: Conky, please, just don't taunt.
Julian: Bubs, Bubs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?
Ricky: (pissing on the side of the hospital) Who can go fuck whose self? No, you fuck off, you little fucker!
Julian: Rick, who the hell are you talking to?
Ricky: Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off.
Bubbles: Ricky, you're hallucinating!
Julian: (pulls Ricky away from the wall) Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky. Ricky, you just pissed on me!
Ricky: Well, you pulled me away!
Julian: Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

Conky: You're not gonna listen to Ricky, are ya Bubbles? You're a lot smarter than he is.
Bubbles: Conky, don't start.
Conky: Wow wow wow! What do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!
Bubbles: What's Lahey doin' here?
Conky: Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?
Bubbles: Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!
Conky: Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?
Bubbles: Yes, Conky.
Conky: Good.

[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]

Conky: Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like. Idiot!
Ricky: Did you just call me an idiot, Conky, huh?
Conky: Maybe I did. Reveeeeeen!
Ricky: All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.
Conky: (singing) He's the fuckin' man they call.
Julian: Don't say it, Bubbles.
Conky: Reveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!
Ricky: That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. (whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face)
Julian: Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.
Ricky: Yes I am.
Julian: Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.
Ricky: I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.
Julian: Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.
(Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand)
Conky: Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used. Patrick. Swayze.
Julian: That's not funny, Bubbles.
Conky: (singing) Oh my Julian. My handsome Julian Patrick Swayze. (Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face) You were so fuckin' sexy in Road House. And fuckin' Dirty Dancin'.
(Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles)
Bubbles: Oh my God! Julian, what happened?
Julian: (hugs Bubbles) Sorry buddy, you were going crazy on us, man.
Sam: Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.

[at Conky's "funeral" at the swamp]

Julian: All right boys, let's dump him in.
Bubbles: Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?
Ricky: No way, bad idea, Bubbles.
Julian: Come on, Bubs, let's go.
Ricky: (tossing Conky in his coffin into the swamp) Fuck you, Conky.

If You Love Something, Set It Free[edit]

[while searching for the "samsquamtch" that's been destroying their weed field]
Ricky: Bubbles, hold the binoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.
[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]
Ricky: I could need some help from you dicks, alright?
[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]
Ricky: You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and help us!
[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]
Ricky: Fuckin' idiot.
Crew Member: Fuck off, Rick!
Ricky: Don't tell me to fuck off. Thing attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.
[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]
Bubbles: Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!
[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]
Bubbles: Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]
Julian: Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed.
Ricky: You little fucker. OK, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock, and choke him out.
Bubbles: Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' chokin' him out.
Ricky: Why?
Bubbles: He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this, I know kitties.
Ricky: What if he has raid ease?
Bubbles: Ricky, it's rabies, with a B, not raid ease. And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eatin' weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See, he's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! (pets the mountain lion) Who's a good boy?

Bubbles: You look kind of French with your little mustache, there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good name for you.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go right? Remember the saying: if you love something set it free?
Bubbles: I know, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.
Ricky: This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but... I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there 'Steve,' or whatever the fuck your name is?
Bubbles: Steve French.

Bubbles: Julian, we found him!
Julian: Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.
Bubbles: He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs. Peterson's car!

Jim: We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?
Ricky: What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot. (throws Lahey's bow over the fence) Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? (lights a cigarette) You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.
Jim: You know what, Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are, gone. He who looks into the abyss realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?
Randy: Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.
Ricky: What does it mean then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?
Randy: I understand it.
Ricky: Oh, you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! (pushes Lahey into the car) Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! (throws a net on Randy) And take your little net with you! (pushes Randy into the car)
Randy: Frig off, Ricky!
Ricky: Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta here! (slams the car door)

Bubbles: Shit abyss, I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.
Julian: Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and calls the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.
Ricky: What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?
Julian: Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?
Ricky: No.
Julian: Well, there's one there and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.
Ricky: Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you use their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.

[the mountain lion chases Trevor into Lahey and Randy's camper]
Jim: Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? (Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper) Oh, shit! Trevor!
Randy: Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!
Jim: That's for fire, Randy!

Lucy: Ricky, get this cat outta here or I'm pressing charges. There are kids that live here, for God's sake. You know, children, family?
Ricky: I know what fuckin' kids are, Lucy. And I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be.
Lucy: You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?
Ricky: Actually, yes I do.

Propane, Propane[edit]

Jim: Randy just doesn't understand. I mean, I love him dearly, but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna put up with that prick for the rest of my life. He he grew up as a little shit spark from the ol' shit flint and then he turned into a shit bonfire and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash a shit nom E tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the under shit of that wave. Shit waves. (Takes a sip of his rum)

Workin' Man[edit]

Jim: Tick-tock, tick-tock. Shit clock's tickin', Rick!

Rita McNeil: *singing "Workin' Man" while harvesting marijuana*
Ricky: What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please shut up?
Bubbles: Ricky, you're forcing Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint. You could be a little fucking nicer!
Rita McNeil: *handing a dope plant to Ricky* Here's a good one, dear.

.

J-Roc: Ricky, what the fuck happened to your head, man?
Ricky: Fucking Lahey blew me up! What happened to YOUR head? Why you wearing a wig, J-Roc? That's fucked.
J-Roc: Yo I ain't J-Roc, that muthafuka's in jail
Tyrone: Yeah, that's not J-Roc, J-Roc's in jail till the album drops!
J-Roc: That's right, T.

Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself (2004)[edit]

Lucy: Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little something. A mistletoe belt buckle. I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a. It's a mistletoe belt buckle.
Bubbles: You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so. It's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.

Ricky: There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights. Fuck all that bullshit! Let's get fucked up!
Guard: Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.
Ricky: What are you talking about?
[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]
Ricky: Bubbles! What are you doing here, buddy?
Bubbles: Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!
Ricky: What?
Bubbles: Get your stuff!
Ricky: No, Bubs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.
Bubbles: Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we're getting you out! Sign out!
Ricky: Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.

Ricky: I can't believe Julian bailed me out. I mean, he knows how cool it is in jail at Christmas and he ruined it anyways! Julian's up to something, I fuckin' know he is!
[The guard getting Ricky's things out of a storage room passes out, knocking over a shelf with a crash]
Ricky: Jesus Christ. Dougie! Fuckin' Chris passed out again!
[Ricky walks into the storage room and grabs his coat, the other guard walks in]
Ricky: I told you man, he's drinking rum and smoking weed! Keep him on the hash. Can't smoke weed and drink rum!

Ray: So tell me, buddy... What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?
Ricky: Dad, not this shit!
Ray: Not shit, Rick. I'm talking about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...
Ricky: No...
Ray: Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?
Ricky: Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is... is supposed to... always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to make himself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, no, you're, you're, you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?
Ricky: Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' diss jail.
Ray: I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm talking about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!
Ricky: Dad, I write letters every year, you know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.
Ray: Huh?
Ricky: The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.
Ray: To Santa Claus, Rick?!
Ricky: Yeah, the big guy.
Bubbles: The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.
Ricky: Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.
Ray: Ricky, come on, you know Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?
Ricky: Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubs?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.
Ricky: What? Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?
Ray: Ah, Jesus Ricky!
Ricky: But it'd piss him off!
Ray: Well, yeah, Ricky but... Man!
Ricky: You never mixed that up?
Ray: No!
Ricky: Bubs, you never mixed that up?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait now. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?
Ricky: Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?
Ray: No! Rick, no.
Ricky: Well that's fuckin' bullshit! Well I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity! Great! Christmas is fucked!

Julian: Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!
Ricky: Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...
Bubbles: (laughs) Nerds!
Julian: What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!
Cory: You want one of these ones, er...
Julian: Just grab a fuckin' tree!
Ricky: Hey! Nerds! Let's go!
Trevor: Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!
Ricky: You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! God damn fuckin' nerds!

Randy: Hey! Do you like to party?
Barb: Excuse me?
Randy: Do you like to party?
Barb: Oh my God! Randal? Are you a male prostitute?
Randy: Barb Lahey?
Barb: You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!
Randy: No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work construction down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.
Barb: Randal...
Randy: Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.
Barb: Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?

Randy: Simon?
Barb: No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while. Just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.
Jim: Staying with us...
Barb: Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church! You just, um, you just make yourself at home, Randy.
[Barb walks out of the room]
Randy: Simon, you're married?!
Jim: Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

Ray: Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.
Ricky: Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!
Ray: Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.
Julian: Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church.
Bubbles: I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going.
Ricky: Dad, I gotta sell my dope.
Ray: Way it goes! Way it goes, boys.

Bubbles: My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! (reading letter aloud) Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you, but some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy, for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no problem, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work.

Season 5 (2005)[edit]

Give Peace a Chance[edit]

[The buzzer buzzes]
Ricky: Jail used to be so fuckin' cool and now it is big time fucked up.
Bubbles: Jail fuckin' sucks. I hate it in here. Thank fuck we're gettin' out today I don't think I could take it 1 more day of this.
Julian: I never liked jail but, I don't wanna diss the guys that are in here cuz it's still pretty cool but, I've been here too many times and you know, the thrill's gone.
Ricky: There's hardly any drinking here anymore. You can't get good dope and they banned smokin' from the fuckin' boys. Took smokin' away from us. That's fucked. Once I quit smokin', you gotta find stuff to do, so I gotta play sports but all they let you do is play fuckin' bay mitten.
Bubbles: Ricky's been losin' his mind in here with the no cigarette policy so I knew I had to introduce him to something new to take his mind off it, so I taught him how to play bam in tin.
Ricky: Bay mitten fuckin' really sucks but Bubbles loves it. I play with him, try to keep his mind off stuff he's havin' a tough time in here. Crank her. Nice point.
Bubbles: Ricky?
Ricky: Just a sec, buddy.
Bubbles: I'm caught.
Julian: Reading books got me through this stretch. I mean, you know, you got self help books, you got books on nature and you got books on wilderness like check out that fuckin' bear. You know, he's got that salmon. You see, I'm kind of like the salmon. I'm kinda like the guy that swims upstream right. You know, trying to avoid these fuckers so you know, I take what I learned in jail and I go home and you know, I just try to survive.
Ricky: Tonight, I am gettin' so fuckin' drunk and smokin' so much goddamn dope and cigarettes. It's gonna be awesome. The 1st thing I'm gonna do. I'm gonna kill Jim Lahey.

Bubbles: Terry and Dennis are couple brothers Ricky knows. They're both fucked in the head if you ask me. Still live with their grandmother.
Ricky: I went to reform school with Terry and Dennis. They're great fuckin' guys, I mean, I love good dope. If I don't have any, I go to Terry. He's always got good dope, in large quantities like harbor drops, that sort of stuff. And I've always wanted to work with them but Julian always shuts it down. I think because he's jealous.
Bubbles: It's just not my scene you go in there and it's really greasy and they're always sittin' around baked. Playing video games you can see their units hanging out. Every time we're there and you gotta go through the hoe. Routine of pretendin' you like bein' there. Talkin' to them when you know you just want to get your dope and get out of there.
Julian: I don't like Terry and Dennis for 1 simple reason. They use their own grandmother as cub.
Ricky: Julian, can we hurry the fuck up here!?
Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I'm trying to talk here! I mean, they make a shitload of money and the cops never think about fuckin' with them but, who wants to go to a house to buy dope and be greeted by their grandmother? That's pretty fuckin' greasy if you ask me.
[Ricky throws a pillow at Julian]
Julian: Ricky!
Ricky: The things to do here, I need smokes.
Julian: Yoosh. You do that again, Ricky! Alright? You're gonna see what happens.
[Bubbles picks up the pillow]
Julian: They're drivin' around this Monte Carlo, thinkin' they're cool and shit, I mean, the car is okay and everything but the fuckin' rims they got on that car, they're wah. You'd never see me drivin' around in that fuckin' thing. What?
Ricky: I'm not tryin' to be a dick I need to get smokes I wanna get stoned let's get goin' here everything's to do. What's up with Victor? How long does it take a man to piss?
Bubbles: Come on, Julian. You have to be the one to say let's go.
Julian: Alright, alright, alright.
Bubbles: Or he's gonna be keep pissin' all day.
Ricky: Come on, cut your piss off. Stop pissin' there. We gotta get goin'.

Ricky: (knocks on the door) Hope they're home, boys.
Dennis/Terry's Grandmother: (opens the door) Ooooooh, Ricky! (hugs Ricky)
Ricky: This is Julian. This is Bubbles.
[Julian greets Dennis/Terry's Grandmother while she is speaking Japanese]
Bubbles: Hi there.
Ricky: Hey, Dash.
Dennis: Hey, Ricky, man, how's it goin'?
Ricky: Good, bro.
Dennis: Good to see you, Bubbles.
Bubbles: Hey, Dennis.
Dennis: Julian, how's it goin'? What's goin' on, boys?
Ricky: Listen, you got any weed or hash? Could front me in? Set me up big time for a party tonight?
Dennis: Ricky, you just walked in here, man. You know? A little hang time would be nice, you know?
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah.
Dennis: So, watch any good movies lately?
Ricky: Saw the Director's Cut. That was fuckin' awesome.
Bubbles: Ricky, it was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the name of the movie.
Ricky: It was good, though.
Julian: It was a good fuckin' movie.
Bubbles: Somebody synced up Dark Side of the Moon and the Wizard of Oz in there. That was pretty neat, I guess.
Ricky: Yeah, I heard you need to be stoned.
Terry: Dennis! Dennis, what the fuck is going on here!?
Ricky: Jesus.
Dennis: Terry, would you do me a fuckin' favor and just chill out a little bit? Alright, everything's under control.
Terry: This is a bad fuckin' day for this shit to be happening, man. We've got a lot of fuckin' work to do. Fuck, just chill out a little bit.
Dennis: Seriously.
Terry: Just sit down a sec. You guys drove up here in a fuckin' limousine!?
Ricky: Yeah, man! Isn't that awesome, man!?
Terry: Oh my god!
Dennis: Boys.
Terry: What? I can't fuckin' believe it!
Dennis: You guys should've parked a few blocks away.
Ricky: Guys, we're rich now. That's the way we roll. It's not a big deal.
Terry: Why don't we put a sign in front of the house we sell fuckin' hash here!?
Dennis: Terry!
Terry: Why don't you call the fuckin' cops!?
Dennis: Ricky what!? Each E bong ohm a fuck a yo!?
Terry: Julian! Wha fuck a yeh dough! Fuck!
Julian: What did he say about me!?
Dennis: Julian, just sit down. It's just family business. Don't worry about it. Julian, now, now! Julian just sit down!
Julian: I don't feel like sittin' down!
Ricky: Can you guys put some pants on or somethin'!
Dennis: Why don't you sit down right now!
Terry: You're gonna walk into my grandmother's house and talk about my package?
Ricky: Well, your packages are hanging out in front of us!
Dennis: Well, don't worry about the packages! Don't worry about your own package, Ricky!
Ricky: Anyway, guys, we need some hash, or weed. Whatever you have.
Dennis: We've got tons of hash. Don't worry about that.
Ricky: Just a bit tonight for the party and then I'm gonna start buying a shitload. I own a trailer park now. I need like keys.
Dennis: We got enough hash to go to jail for 20 years but we won't ever get caught.
Terry: Gimme a break, Dennis. Why don't you take out an ad in the fuckin' newspaper? Jesus Christ! Julian, put it down.
Dennis: Boys!? Fuck sakes!
[Julian and Terry are arguing]
Julian: Don't point!
Terry: Don't point your fuckin' hand at me!
[Dennis gets into the argument]
Ricky: You don't touch another man's gun!
Dennis: Sit down!
Ricky: Sit the fuck down!
Terry: You guys are outta control.
Ricky: Terry, guys, I'm sorry about that.
Terry: We're not small time anymore. We're dealing with major quantities of hash. You can't just come in here with your crew and fuckin' act like this.
Ricky: Sorry, Terry. Fuck, I thought we were cool, man.
Dennis: Our partner if our partner came in now, he'd freak right out. Holy fuck.
Ricky: Can you set me up with a bit of hash and some keys down the road or what?
Terry: Listen, Ricky. We got your back like always, alright?
Dennis: We're just gonna wait till our partner shows up and we'll just talk about it with him, alright?
Ricky: Who's the partner? Did I know the guy?
Dennis: He's a fuckin' cool guy. You'll like him.
Terry: Old school motherfucker, man. He knows how to do it properly. Fuck.
Dennis: Oh, there he is, right now. Just give us a sec, alright?
Ricky: What the fuck?
Terry: You're in fuckin' trouble.
Dennis: What are you talkin' about?
Terry: You're in fu.. Just wait. You're in fuckin' trouble.
Ricky: It's fuckin' Cyrus.
Dennis: Cyrus? What, you guys know Cyrus?
Cyrus: What the fuck's with the limo!? You got celebrities in there!?
Terry: I fuckin' told you, Dennis. I fuckin' told you.
Dennis: I'll fuckin' straighten this out.
Terry: Gimme a fuckin' break.
Ricky: What the fuck are you doin' with Cyrus?
Bubbles: What are you doin'? No don't.
Ricky: Don't worry about it, Bubbles.

Cyrus: Do you guys mind fuckin' explainin' to me!?
Terry: Holy fuck.
Cyrus: Oh! If Charlie shit a Billy Goat, look who it is.
Ricky: Fuck.
Cyrus: What the fuck are these guys doin' here when we got a fuckin' deal goin' down in the next couple days?
Terry: Cyrus, I told him not to but he just opened the fuckin' door and said: Hey, everybody, just mooch my hash.
Dennis: Ah, fuck off, Terry!
Terry: Fuck! I can't believe this!
Julian: This is Cyrus, relax, alright you dick? We just got out of jail. We're leaving. We don't want any trouble, alright?
Cyrus: Trouble? (fires his gun) Like that kind of fuckin' trouble!?
Dennis: Boys, put the guns down or someone's gonna call the cops!
Bubbles: Calm down!
Terry: Okay, Dennis! I'll just open up the door and call the cops!
Ricky: Fuck sakes!
Dennis: Maybe I'll call the cops!
Ricky: Fuckin' asshole!
Cyrus: Who the fuck is lookin' after the hash, boys?
Dennis/Terry: Our grandmother.
Cyrus: Get the fuck in there and look after the hash! Jesus!
Terry: Sorry, Cyrus.
Bubbles: Just calm down.
Cyrus: Gimme those fuckin' guns too, boys. I gave those to Terry and Dennis for their birthday.
Julian: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
Cyrus: What?
Julian: This is my gun now, so fuck off.
Cyrus: No, you fuck off!
Julian: You fuck off!
Cyrus: You fuck off!
Ricky: Cyrus, you fuck off first, then we'll fuck off!
Bubbles: Ricky, just everybody, we'll all fuck off at the same time. Calm down.
Ricky: I'm not fuckin' off.
Cyrus: Well, I guess we're gonna fuckin' stand still then, aren't we?
Ricky: I know how to fix that.
Cyrus: How?
Ricky: Fuck off!
Cyrus: Fuckin' dick.
Bubbles: Look boys, just. Cyrus, just calm down, boys. Back up. Cyrus, you just get in your car, everything's fine, we're leaving. We don't want any trouble. Boys, put the guns down. Put 'em down. Oh my god.
Julian: Ray. Nice plan, Ricky. How the fuck are we gonna get home now, huh?
Ricky: Maybe Terry will drive us in the Monte Carlo now. Fuck, check out those rims.
Julian: I'm not gettin' in this piece of shit, Rick.
Ricky: Well, how the fuck do you want to get home then, huh?

The Shit Puppets[edit]

Ricky: I'm sick of looking after everybody. I mean right now, I mean, everyone's at my Dad's place. Fucking using my car. Now he's borrowing my fucking gun. It's bullshit. You know if he thinks he's better then me, wants to go down, take care of himself then good 'cause I don't want to look after him anymore, and I'll look after myself. And when he gets back here he's gonna see who...fuckin' looks after who...better than...the other person.

Bubbles: Lucy got fake boobs. I mean...its obvious. I don't mean I was staring at them, but I can't exactly control what direction my eyes go in all the time. I mean obviously she used our money to buy them anyway so, if you think about it, I sorta own one-third of them.

Ricky: Actually, Sarah, let's go with the milk.
Sarah: "Let's go with the milk"? What the fuck's that?
Ricky: Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?
Sarah: Why, so that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?

The Fuckin' Way She Goes[edit]

Bubbles: Julian, we have to get some drinks. They're not gonna let us sit here.
Julian: Got us covered, Bubs. Don't worry about it. Cory, Trevor. Let's go with some drinks.
[Cory and Trevor stand up]
Bubbles: Boys, sit down! Cory and Trevor, they got big erections on them, everybody noticed them.
Donny: JESUS CHRIST, BOYS!! EASE OFF WITH THE FUCKIN' ERECTIONS!!
Bubbles: Ray was supposed to go up to the bar and get us drinks, Julian gave him liquor money but he's wheelin' there and he veers into the fuckin' VLT room and dumps money into the machines.
Julian: Ray, the fuck you doin', man?
Ray: Lost all the liquor money, boys.
Julian: What?
Ray: That's the way she goes.
Bubbles: That the way she goes?
Ray: That's right. That's the way she goes. That's what I said.
Bubbles: So you lost all our drink money is what she goes. She's gone.
Ray: That's right. That's the way she goes. Sometimes she goes, sometimes it doesn't. She didn't go. That's the way she goes.
Bubbles: Well, I guess we're goin' the fuck home then.
Julian: Cory, get him outta here.
Bubbles: It was going to be the best night ever, now it's the worst ever. Fuckin' way she goes he said. Fuckin' way she goes goddamn erections ruined the night.

Jim Lahey is a Fuckin' Drunk and He Always Will Be[edit]

Phil: Hey, Rand. I got the kayaks, man. Come on, let's go.
Randy: Ssst! Phil, keep it down. Come here. Listen, I can't leave. I can't go kayaking today. Mr. Lahey's. He's talkin' about liquor and stuff. I just can't leave him alone right now. I've never kayaked, Phil. I don't know anything about it.
Phil: Oh, come on. I can show you the basics here on the lawn. Nothing to it. Come on. You and me. See, you're gettin' the hang of it.
Randy: Yeah, it seems like it'd be pretty easy, Phil.
Phil: Randy, I gotta ask you somethin'.
Randy: Well, Mr. Lahey loves liquor. Hasn't had a drink in a long time, but he's been talkin' lately about how much he likes the taste of it, gettin' drunk, the smell of it. I'm just worried he's gonna fall off the wagon, Phil.
Phil: You should get some of those hypnosis tapes. They really work for a fella.
Randy: Duck, Phil! Bottle Kids!
[The kids throw bottles at Phil and Randy]
Phil: Ah, Jesus Christ!
Randy: Stop throwin' the friggin' bottle! STOP THROWIN' THEM UP! AH! Oh, my gut!
Trinity: How do you like me now, ham burglar?
Randy: I'm friggin' tellin'!!!

Ricky: Everybody's sayin' the trailer fire's my fault. Especially my old man, which I guess it kinda was. And I do feel bad his trailer burnt down everything but maybe dad and fuckin' Julian and Bubbles were gettin' lap dances at a fuckin' strip club, gettin' drunk. The whole thing could have been preventative. Fuck sakes.
Ray: Oh, well, you know, c... things aren't too bad, all things considered. Sure, it could be better, but, uh... God takes care of the little sparrows in the sky he's gonna take care of the guy in the chair. That's what God's like. I have God to thank for everything.
[Ricky is cooking bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt down trailer]
Ricky: Hey, Dad!
Ray: Hey, buddy.
Ricky: Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.
Ray: Ah, smells good, buddy.
Ricky: There's only 3 pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.
Ray: You can have the grease, buddy.
Ricky: Cool.
Ray: Bacon fryin' and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.
Ricky: Dad, what the fuck are you talkin' about?
Ray: I'm talkin' about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothin' to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.
Ricky: Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.
Ray: Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.
Ricky: Does ol' Goddy boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playin' VLT's?
Ray: I don't. What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playin' VLT's and gettin' drunk.
Ricky: You want some fuckin' bacon or not?
Ray: Yes, Rick. I do. Rick, there's another point. We should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?
Ricky: From a cow.
Julian: Mornin', Ray.
Ray: Julian?
Julian: Couldn't get a splash of rum off you, could I?
Ray: No, I don't think so, buddy.
Ricky: Can we fuckin' break, Julian. Do you think we put him through enough? Look at this fuckin' place.
Julian: We, what are you talkin' about, we?
Ricky: Oh, you're innocent now. Alright?
Bubbles: Yes, could I order. Pancakes, please with. Sir up, butter, bacon, hash browns, toast with butter.
[Bubbles' cat meows]
Bubbles: Oh fuck. That was gonna be delicious.
Ricky: Hey, Bubs.
Bubbles: Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck, that bacon smells good. Is there any extra?
Ricky: Only a few pieces, Bub. I gave it to uh, gave it to the old man. I'm doin' bread heels in grease. It's pretty good. You want have?
Bubbles: Have an old bread heel?
Ricky: Yeah, just took the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.
Bubbles: You do it too.
Ricky: Yeah.
Bubbles: You're not chicken me, are ya? (takes a bite of the bread heel) It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Are ya anything to drink?
Ricky: Little bit left in that.
[Bubbles takes a tiny sip out of the water bottle and gives it to Ricky]
Ricky: (takes a small sip out of the water bottle) You still pissed on?
Bubbles: Well. Kind of.

Jim: Yup. Givin' up liquor was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. But the clarity that I feel right now makes it all worthwhile. I can honestly say I will never drink again. Ever.
Randy: I can't believe Trinity's throwin' bottles, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: Shit apple.
[Randy pours liquor into a glass]
Randy: Time for your meds, buddy. Take 2.
Jim: I'm not takin' those anymore, Ran Ran Bo Bandy. I don't need 'em. Make me sleepy.
Randy: You gotta take it, Mr. Lahey. You don't wanna get back on the rye again. Remember what that was like? Well, it's a little bit stressful, you know. I mean, Mr. Lahey's been doin' really good. Uh.. He hasn't had a drink since the day he tried to kill Ricky. And he had about 49 drinks that day. But lately, you know, he's been talkin' about liquor and callin' me Bo Bandy which he normally only does when he's drunk. So just the thought of him drinkin' again. It scares the shit out of me.

Jim: Trinity! What the hell are you doin' drivin' this car?
Trinity: Chill!
Jim: Did your father tell you to drive!? Ch.. Trinity, stop the car right now! Trinity, I'm impounding this vehicle! (pounds on the car door) Stop the car rye! (falls down)
Randy: It's okay, Mr. Lahey!
Jim: Randy, did you see that? Goddamn shit apple driving the Shitmobile! What kind of a father lets a daughter do that!? Nobody in this goddamn park gives a fuck why the hell should I!
Randy: Mr. Lahey, you're not even doing really good with quittin' the drinkin' habit thing but, you've been talkin' about it all the time lately so, you know what I think?
Jim: (opens the trunk) What do you think Randy?
Randy: Well, I just never ever want you to drink again, Mr. Lahey, so I got these really good hypnosis tapes.
Jim: (closes the trunk) Randy, how many times do I have to goddamn well tell ya I'm sober!? Who cares if I mention drinking once in a while, huh? I can't ignore an elephant in a room now, can I? I used to drink, Randy. Yes I used to drink and I can't do anything about that, but I got the shit monkey off my back for good.
Randy: Well, I thought you just might want to give 'em a try, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: Randy, do I ask you to listen to stop eating cheeseburger tapes now? Do I? No I don't. You know why? I don't fucking drink anymore. End of story.
Randy: I'm just trying to help, Mr. Lahey. Whatever.
Jim: Randy. Listen boy, I'm sorry I jumped on you like that. Make you fell any better I'll uh... I'll give them a go.
Randy: Well, I would. Let's go. Right now. I'll get it cued, Mr. Lahey.

[Julian, Ricky and Bubbles arrive at Zellers]
Ricky: Raw boys.
[Inside Zellers]
Ricky: There's gotta be a fuckin' pay system around here somewhere.
Bubbles: A what?
Ricky: Pay system. Bingo. You want some fun buddy, check this out.
Julian: Ah, Ricky. Nah nah nah nah nah.
Ricky: What are you gonna do? Kick me out? (answers phone) Mr. Lahey Randy, the fuck off department. Mr. Lahey Randy, the fuck off department and hurry the fuck up. Thank you.
Julian: Boys, well just find a bam in tin said.
Bubbles: Come on, Julian.
Julian: We're gonna get kicked out.
Ricky: Just let me do 1 more.
Bubbles: Holy fuck, boys! Look at that!
Ricky: What is it?
Bubbles: Holy fuck!
Ricky: What the fuck is it?
Bubbles: That is a fully functional rocket kit.
Ricky: No way.
Bubbles: With that, I didn't know they sold these around here. Julian, fuck the badminton set. Let's gets this baby.
Ricky: So we'll go to the moon and stuff.
Julian: Bubs, Bubs, Bubs a hundred bucks, man. Where do we need that?
Bubbles: Oh, for fuck sakes.
Ricky: Don't worry about it. Tell ya we're gonna fuckin' get it right now. What's 99 99 plus the tax and the stuff? Like 75?
Bubbles: No, Ricky. It's.
Ricky: It's 78.
Bubbles: 114 98.
Julian: What are you doin', Rick?
Ricky: 14 98.
Julian: Rick, Ricky? Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick!
Ricky: Look, this works every time, okay? You guys just meet me in the car and I'll take care of it. Get Bubbles a fuckin' rocket.
Bubbles: He said, Julian.
Ricky: Get up to the car, guys. (walks out of Zellers)
[Cory and Trevor are talking while they are in the trunk and Bubbles knocks on the trunk 5 times]
Bubbles: Julian! What he's in the trunk!
Julian: (opens the trunk) The fuck you guys doin' in there?
Cory: Dude man, I was cleaning your car. Kinda got locked in.
Julian: So you guys locked yourself in there by accident when you're cleaning my car.
Bubbles: He try it.
Ricky: That's not smart, boys.
Bubbles: Boys, Boys! Boys! Mall cops! Mall cops!
Security Guard: Hey!
Julian: For fuck sakes, Ricky.
Security Guard: What do you think you're doin' with that!? Did you pay for that!?
Ricky: Yeah.
Security Guard: Give it to me.
Ricky: Bought that 2 weeks ago.
Security Guard: Where's the receipt!? Let's go. We have to have a talk.
Ricky: We'll talk in your office. That's alright. I don't know these 2 guys right here. They're truly much responsible.
Cory: Well, man. We're not going anywhere. We're not going anywhere.
Security Guard: Get those 2 in the back, let's go.

Security Guard: Just bring 'em in here, let's go. Have a seat boys.
Ricky: I wanna press charges number 1 for the front door out there. It's dangerous and I could've been killed going.
Security Guard: You can press charges when the cops get here. They're on their way.
Ricky: Alright, well, you wouldn't the call the cops. You guys are smarter than real cops. You guys are mall cops. When do we need real cops? Misunderstanding. I went the car with the rocket, these guys supposed to pay for it. I gave them a check. It's probably one of their pockets. Just check 'em.
Security Guard: Which guys?
Ricky: Probably that guy with the Ronnie shirt on there.
Security Guard: Do you wha new a Mordecai, Horatio you wanna check their pockets, see what they got?
[The other security guards take the things out of Cory and Trevor's pockets]
Ricky: That's my gum outta my car. That's my fuckin' comb! What're you guys doin'!? Are you tryin' to rip me off by drugs!? Oh, there's the check right there. I bet they were gonna fuckin' cats that in for drugs too, weren't ya?
Security Guard: It's for the amount of the rocket.
Ricky: Yeah, with tax. Made it to the store. I'm not gonna lie to here. Cause you used to be a mall cop like I said. The fake check trick works every fuckin' time. Basically, you figure how much something costs, just fill one of the old man's checks like this. And that way if you get caught, just say your buddy was gonna pay him, mall cops are really dumb compared to real cops, it's gonna be easy. And worst case Ontario, you get caught, you cancel the check. You never have to pay. It's awesome.
Security Guard: Alright, listen, I I guess we uh.. we got mixed up there. I'm sorry about that, boys. You're free to go I you know, I apologize.
Ricky: Nice to meet you.
Security Guard: Alright, take care. Actually, you guys are gonna stay here.
Cory: No! Dude, man, do something!
Ricky: You shouldn't have tried to fuckin' rip me off.
Julian: You guys fucked up big time. Listen, trust me, you fucked up.
Cory: Thanks, Julian.
Security Guard: Sit down, guys. Alright, I'm gonna have to get some names here.
Trevor: I'm Cory Lahey.
Cory: Um.. Trevor Lahey.
Security Guard: Are those your real names, boys?
Trevor: Yes, sir.
Security Guard: Are they really?
Trevor: No, I'm Trevor. He's Cory. We were lying.

Julian: Gray, grab me a couple of glasses, bud.
Ricky: Bubbles, you got any glasses?
Bubbles: Probably, Ricky. In the shed.
Ricky: Get that thing already to go, buddy.
Bubbles: (opens the box) Holy fuck! What's it say, Ricky?
Ricky: It's basically to put it together, I guess. Be careful and.
Bubbles: Decent, look at that. What's this? Holy fuck, a spacesuit!
Ricky: Wow.
Bubbles: Ah! Decent!
Ricky: No way! Fuckin' deck nulls, man! Check those out!
Julian: Thanks, boys. Drinks.
Ricky: Awesome. Well, let's make toast, boys.
Julian: To a good fuckin' time today.
Bubbles: This is a good time.
[Everyone takes a drink]
Bubbles: I'm gonna go put on my spacesuit on, boys. Then let's get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Bubbles: Boys, check her out!
Ricky: Aw, man. That is fuckin' cool! Nice deck nulls.
Bubbles: I know. Look at my spacesuit too.
Julian: Right on. Can I put it on the launch pad there, commander?
Bubbles: Alright.
Ricky: Bubbles, you sure we gonna play space here? This is kinda stupid.
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control this is Commander Bubbles. I'm gettin' an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main ohm fine through CDS at level 6, please advise.
Julian: Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.
Bubbles: Try some, Ricky!
Ricky: (sighs) Breaker breaker, come in Earth. This is rocket ship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbonator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to re-fuck you late it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over. How's that buddy? I don't fuckin' know!
Bubbles: Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!
Ricky: Thays a power rockets are firin' all over the place. They got lasers, they aren't shootin' and uh... Bubbles, I can't fuckin' do this! My brain doesn't work with space tie! I hate playing space!
Bubbles: Julian, make him do it right.

Bubbles: Okay, boys, here we go. Blast shield down. Main engine is a go.
[Randy grabs Jim's vodka bottle]
Randy: Gimme a drink.
Jim: Randy.
Randy: Gimme a drink.
Jim: Let it go, Randy!
[Randy lets go of the vodka bottle and the vodka splashes all over him as Jim pulls away; Randy puts his tongue to the vodka that spilled on his hand]
Bubbles: Fog! 4! 3! 2! 1!
Randy: It's vodka.
Jim: 131 proof, bud, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted.
[The rocket blasts off]
Bubbles: Ah! DECENT! Holy fuck, did you see that, Ricky?
Ricky: Bubbles, that was easy.
Bubbles: Julian? My god.
Jim: Randy, where are you goin'?
Randy: Downtown for a cheeseburger, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: Congratulations, Julian. You were right all the time. I was drunk in the mental hospital. And I been drunk ever since. This can either end one of 2 ways, boys. Either you, you and you who are all drunk! Are goin' to jail or I am going back to the mental hospital. P.S. I'm not goin' back there.
Bubbles: There it is! There's the rocket!
Jim: You just opened Pandora shit box, right? (drives the Fuckmobile backwards)
Bubbles: Lahey!
Ricky: No, Lahey! Oh my. Oh what're you doin'!?
Bubbles: Holy fuck! Ahhhh! It's trashed!
Ricky: Son of a bitch.

Don't Cross The Shit Line[edit]

Bubbles: They're gone, Ray.
Ray: Hey, Bubbles. How you doing, buddy? Listen, you don't have any liquor on you, do you, buddy?
Bubbles: Oh, I did have a bit of Christmas liquor but. Somebody took it.
Ray: Julian took your liquor?
Bubbles: Yeah. You don't have any food in there, do you, Ray? Anything at all?
Ray: You know, Bubbles. I got. Don't tell anybody, but I got a few cans of ravioli here. Fucked up.
Bubbles: Fuck, I need some ravioli.
Ray: Hurry. I had. Ricky!? Rick!? Rick, where the! Where the fuck's my ravioli!?
Bubbles: Ricky!
Ricky: Hmm?
Bubbles: Ricky!
Ray: My ravioli! I had 9 cans of ravioli in the cupboard! It's all gone! What'd you do with it!?
Ricky: I dunno, dad. I had 1 can, I think.
Ray: But where the other 8? Fuckin' Julian took my ravioli and your liquor, Bubbles!?
[Ricky groans]
Ray: Rick, is the coast clear, buddy?
Ricky: Yeah. It's clear, dad.
Bubbles: Clear, Ray.
Ray: Fuckin' Julian. (steals Julian's drink and takes a sip of it)
Julian: No, no, no, Ray, Ray, Ray! What're you doin'!? Ray, give me my drink! (fights Ray)
Ray: You took all my ravioli! You took all my liquor! This is my fuckin' drink!
Ricky: Once he fuck with my dad, I'm in fight. That's just the way it is. Family shit. So I jumped in and all hell broke loose. Boys, there's something wrong with this thing.
Bubbles: You alright?
Ray: Julian got a fuckin' drop of liquor in me or I'm gonna fuckin' snap!
Julian: You just had a bunch of drinks there, Ray!
Ray: When!?
Ricky: When the fuck's just happened anyway!?
Bubbles: Calm down! Break it up!
Ray: What?
Ricky: I ate the ravioli, okay? I get stoned last night. I was fucked up 'cuz Lucy's been ignorin' me and shit. I didn't think I eat 9 cans but maybe. I'm nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli, but I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The 1st can is a count then you get the 2nd and the 3rd. 4th and 5th I think I burned with a blowtorch and. Then I just kept eatin'. I'm sorry.
Julian: Fuck! I gotta get my trailer back! I can't fuckin' live with you guys anymore! Thanks, Ray!
Ray: Hey! Who gave you a drink of liquor the other day, Julian!? The guy in the chair! (screams)
Julian: That your fuckin' drinks, Ray! Spilt half of it!
Ricky: Was there a book or something you can read that'll figure this out!?
Julian: Fuck off, Ricky!

Randy: What did you do, Mr. Lahey?
Jim: Shit moths, Randy.
Randy: Shit moths?
Jim: Shit moths. They started off a tiny little shit lever, Randy, and then they grew into shitipillars. A pandemic o' shitipillars. Everywhere you'll look, Randy, shitipillars. They almost drove me over the goddamn edge, boy. I tried to exterminate 'em. I tried to put an end to the shitipillar's life cycle. But I failed. And now. Shit moths, Randy. Every fuckin' one of them, shit moths!
Randy: Are you okay, Mr. Lahey?
Jim: A hundred percent, Ran. Jim Lahey is back. It's time for drinkin', bud. I got a little errand for you to run. The airport?
Randy: Sure.
Jim: Want you to take this to Ray's trailer. It's an eviction notice.

The Winds Of Shit[edit]

Randy: What's going on here, Mr. Lahey?
Jim: Puttin' on the market, bud.
Randy: I thought we were trying to sell it to Julian.
Jim: Listen, if the price I'm askin', no one in their right mind's gonna buy it. Julian is never gonna let his grandmother's trailer be sold on the open market. We keep raisin' the price, Julian's gonna have to raise more money to buy it. And the only way Julian can raise money is breakin' the law, Randy. Breakin' it. The law, Randy. Breaking the law.
Randy: Then we'll catch him in a shit snare. Right, Mr. Lahey? (pours liquor into a glass)

Bubbles: Hi there, Mr. Lahey. How you doin'? Just havin' some drinks, are you?
Jim: Supervisin' the park, Bubs. That's what I do.
Bubbles: Everything's fine down here. Maybe you can supervise down that end of the park.
Jim: Not a problem, Bubs. I have to phone the real estate agent I just remember! Thanks for remindin' me! Lot of interest, Julian! Even at 12 5!
Julian: Don't fuck with me, Jim.
Bubbles: 2nd thought, Julian. Maybe I'll come with you. Not hang around here with that drunk bastard.
Jim: What'd you toll me, Bubbles?
Bubbles: Nothing.
Ricky: Get the fuck outta here, Lahey!
Bubbles: Nothin'.
Jim: You know what a shit barometer is, Bub?
Bubbles: No?
Jim: Measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.
Ricky: What the fuck are you goin' on about!?
Jim: Can you hear it?
Bubbles: No, I don't hear anything.
Jim: Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the old shit barometer rises and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware my friend, shit winds are atomic.

Bubbles: Okay, locker 15. He gets 14 grams.
Julian: No 14 in there, bud. I need some more light, Bubs.
Bubbles: Jesus Christ. Julian, I only have 2 fuckin' arms.
Julian: I know, I know. We gotta go quick, man.
Ricky: Oh, fuck. I gotta piss.
[Ricky is hearing wind blowing sounds while he is pissing in the urinal]
Bubbles: Julian, there's a bag of chips in here. Do you think it would be a big deal if I took some?
Julian: Fuckin' take them, man.
[The urinal automatically flushes and Ricky fires a shot]
Bubbles: Christ, Ricky's in a gunfight.
Julian: Go in the car, go in the car. I'll be right back.
Ricky: (fires more shots) Fuck!
Julian: Ricky!
Ricky: Fuck!
Julian: Ricky, what the fuck's goin' on!?
Ricky: Who the fuck's in there!?
Julian: What the fuck's goin' on, Ricky!?
Ricky: Julian!?
Julian: The fuck is that here, man!? What're you shootin' at!?
Ricky: Fuckin' believe what's goin' on here. Winds of shit, buddy.
Julian: The winds of shit!?
Ricky: Yes!
Julian: The fu... What're you talkin' about, Ricky!?
Ricky: There's only fuckin' 1 explanation, man. I'm tellin' you right now. Maybe 2. I coulda fallen down, tripped over myself, I dunno the gun went off, pissed on myself. Gun's fuckin' goin' off big time. Or ghosts. There's fuckin' ghosts here!
Julian: Ricky!
Ricky: The fuckin' urinal flushed by itself!
Julian: They're supposed to flush, Ricky!
Ricky: Since when?
Julian: Let's get outta here!
Ricky: I didn't put all the hash in the locker!
Julian: It doesn't matter! Let's go! Come on!
Ricky: What about the customers!?
Julian: Do you wanna go to jail, you fuckhead!?
Ricky: Fuck sakes!

Bubbles: Boys, what the fuck took you so long and what happened in there?
Ricky: I got attacked in the fuckin' bathroom by the shit wind ghosts or somethin'.
Bubbles: Shit winds!?
Julian: Ricky, enough with this goddamn shit winds, alright? Keep your eyes peeled.
[The sirens wail]
Ricky: Fuck, boys.
Bubbles: Oh my god, the cops! Ricky, the cops. Do we have any dope on us?
Ricky: No big deal, boys.
Bubbles: Do we have any dope on us?
Julian: Yeah, we gotta scram, Ricky.
Ricky: No big deal, boys. Anybody ask a fuckin' janitor here.
Bubbles: Ruse my god.
Police Officer: Alright, turn the car off now!
Ricky: Holy fuck, boys! Settle down!
Police Officer: Now! Turn it off! Hands up where I can see them!
Bubbles: Yes sir, yes sir.
Police Officer: Everybody! Hands up!
Ricky: You guys had a busy night, are ya or? How things going?
Police Officer: You have a beverage there, sir?
Ricky: Uh..
Police Officer: What's in that beverage?
Ricky: Okay, can I just explain.
Police Officer: What's in that beverage!?
Ricky: That is. I'm gonna be. I'm not gonna lie to ya, it's rum and coke. I'll tell you what, I'm not drinkin'. I'm the driver. This guy's gettin' married. We're havin' a little stag party.
Police Officer: Now we've had reports of gunshots here.
Ricky: Yes.
Police Officer: Do you know anything about that?
Ricky: I do, actually. I'm the one who called you guys. Bunch of little fuckers. I don't know who they were. They uh... 1st thought was firecrackers, then I saw one of them. He did this motion thing where he pulled somethin'. I think it was a gun.
Police Officer: Kids or adults?
Ricky: Kids, adults, kids.
Police Officer: Ah, goddamn. Kids again. Did you see them?
Ricky: Yeah, I did. One guy had long, gravy colored hair. There was another guy with darker.
Police Officer: Goddamn.
Ricky: Brady things goin' on and. I chased them out of here about 2 weeks ago, guys and uh... you know, I should've called you then. I didn't.
Police Officer: We threw coffee away for this. Jesus, man. I'll tell you. The day we're havin'. Goddamn kids!
Bubbles: That was awesome. How did you come up with the janitor thing like that?
Ricky: I can't believe you fuckin' didn't even get you on the open liquor.
Julian: Just drive out of here slowly, man.
Ricky: Roll me a joint, Bubs. Holy fuck.
Bubbles: Ricky, just wait till they close to the park. Move!
Ricky: Ah fuck, boys. I got somethin' goin' on with this. What's this thing here? The appliance is right inside here.
Julian: Ricky, they're waitin' for you, man. Pull out.
Ricky: Fuckin' thing's killin' me, boys. I got that heart congestion shit again. Fuck!

Dressed All Over and Zesty Mordant[edit]

Ricky: (takes a sip out of his liquor bottle) I did over 2 grand today at school, which is awesome. I decided to be in charge of the fuckin' money. My brain's been working good so fuck Julian. It's my money now. Oh, for fuck sakes, fuckin' spot check. I had open liquor, that's always nice. (puts his liquor bottle in the glove box) Fuck this shit. Get no insurance or anything anyway. Let's just get the fuck out of here. Anyway, I bought a bunch of booze so I can get drunk, some smokes. I'm gonna bail the old man out of jail. I plan on still be fuckin' drunk. Nice try, boys. Fuckin' idiots. They shouldn't be pulling over for a reason like that. Fuckin' cops and their spot check bullshit.

[Trinity, Ricky and Bubbles are playing with shopping carts]
Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, you steer at the front.
Randy: Looks like a bunch of drunks playin' with shoppin' carts, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: Shit flowers, Randy.
Randy: Maybe they're turned a new leaf ever since they saw how you took care of Ray and J-Roc.
Jim: From a distance, they look like ordinary flowers, Randy. When you get right down, stick your nose in, realize they're shit flowers and there's a whole fuckin' bouquet there right in front of Ray's trailer.
Randy: Well, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: Randy? (laughs)
Randy: Shhhh!
Jim: Rand.
[Randy pours liquor into Jim's glass]

Trevor: What if we drove down midnight pass road?
Cory: No, man. If we go up this way, we stop at Mimar's Arcade right there.
Ricky: What the fuck? What him my idiots tell why there's only 10 fuckin' carts left in that truck instead of 20!
Cory: Yeah. We had to move 10 off.
Ricky: Oh, you moved 10 off. Did you hear that, Julian? Precious little Cory and Trevor fucked up and took 10 carts off the goddamn load.
Julian: Your order's for 10 carts, Rick. You fucked up.
Ricky: What the fuck are you lookin' at, Trevor?
Trevor: Fucked up, Ricky. You know what else? You're wearing the same dirty clothes since you got out of jail. Fuck up, man.
Ricky: What did you just say to me?
Bubbles: Uh-oh.
Ricky: Knock knock, Trevor.
Trevor: I'm not gonna say who's there, man.
Ricky: You just did you fuckin' idiot.
[Ricky rips Trevor's pants off]
Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky!
Trevor: Those are my new pants!
Cory: What are you doing?
Bubbles: Ricky!
[Julian gets out of the car]
Julian: Boys! Boys! We're supposed to be workin' like a team here! You wanna be on the winning team that makes a shitload of money or do you wanna be on the losing team that goes to jail, Huh? Apologize to him!
Ricky: I'm not apologizing to him.
Julian: Cory, move. Apologize to him.
Ricky: I'm sorry I ripped your pants off, Trevor.
Trevor: It's alright, Ricky. Shit happens, man.
Ricky: Do you want your pocket back, Trevor?
Julian: Here's some gas money. Cory, get over here. Gas money and here's 20 for a new pair of pants.
Trevor: Thanks a lot, Julian.
Julian: Alright, no speedin'. Put on your seatbelts. Don't fuck around.
Trevor: See you later, Ricky.
Ricky: Do a good job, boys.
Bubbles: Ricky, you ripped his fuckin' pants right off.
Ricky: I don't know what happened. I'm just so stressed out lately. I fucked up. He was fuckin' standin' up to me though. He better watch himself or he's gonna lose a fuckin' friend. I'll tell you that.

I Am The Liquor[edit]

[A dog barks]
Ricky: When I woke up this mornin', I felt like shit, I was so fuckin' hung over, my arm was numb, I slept on a log, X could hardly breathe. Then I remember, holy fuck, my whole family's in jail. I gotta go get them out. Holy fuck! Julian, I need to borrow your car, buddy. I gotta get Trin, deal with Lucy, get my dad out of jail. I need your keys, buddy.
Julian: You can't use my car, Ricky.
Ricky: What're you takin' your tent down for? What do you mean I can't use your car?
Julian: You're not sure.
Ricky: Julian starts feeding me this bullshit OI don't have eye sure ins on my car like, I don't have eye sure ins on my car. He stole the fuckin' car from Cyrus and his buddies anyways. It's ridiculous.
Julian: Listen, Rick, you deal with Trinity, I'll deal with Ray, alright? You're not usin' my fuckin' car.
Ricky: Well, Julian. Your car's stupid anyway. So I said fuck him. Basically, I'm just gonna jog to the jail I guess and pick up Trin and then I started joggin', my heart's killin' me, my arm's fucked. Luckily, I ran into Bubbles.
Bubbles: Ricky. Stopped me and just commandeered the cart took it right from me. So I gave it to him. I wouldn't a normally gave it to him but it was for Trinity cuz she got picked up as you guys know, drivin' the car with open liquor in there. I told him to be careful and the fuckin' 1st thing he does. Runs into the mud. Sittin' there just gunnin' it, spinnin' the fuckin' tires. Burnin' the engine out of it. The thing's probably fucked at this point. No brake burns, Ricky!! No donuts! Fuck, he's gonna wreck it.

Ricky: What happened to your go-kart, Bubs?
Bubbles: Ricky commandeered the fuckin' thing on me. How come you're takin' your tent down, Julian?
Julian: I'm gettin' my trailer back today, buddy. I'm not livin' in this fuckin' thing ever again. So, I'm gonna need some help today, bud.
Bubbles: Julian, I was just gettin' my cart business goin' again.
Julian: We gotta get that car out of impound, man. We gotta do something about this driveway, 'cause Lahey's off the fuckin' rails.

Jim: Randy, what do we usually doin this situation?
Randy: I dunno. We call the cops, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: And then what happens, Randy?
Randy: Well, then they come and arrest the boys and they go into jail.
Jim: For a few months, rye. We need to eliminate them permanently, Randy.
Randy: How do we do that?
Jim: Who owns the hash in the driveway?
Randy: Well, Cyrus and his gang.
Jim: Exactly. Randy, I got a hundred dollars here for groceries, I got 14 hundred dollars here for liquor and I got $6,000 for you to go and payload a couple of shit puppets. We me need a few more shit puppets for our play, Randy and they gotta be angry shit pup. Then you gotta make 'em angry. You say whatever it takes get them angry, but they're not angry at us, Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets. Take the bus.
Randy: Listen, Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.
Jim: Wouldn't that be 90?
Randy: Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.
Jim: Exactly, Randy.
Randy: Mr. Lahey, is this you talkin' or the liquor?
Jim: Randy. (takes a sip out of his liquor bottle) I am the liquor.

Shit Blizzard[edit]

Jim: Randy. (sighs)
Randy: This is bullshit, Mr. Lahey.
Jim: Feel that?
Randy: Feel what, Mr. Lahey?
Jim: The way the shit clings to the air, Randy.
Randy: Shit clings to the air?
Jim: It's already started, my dear good friend.
Randy: What started, Mr. Lahey?
Jim: The shit blizzard.
[Jim takes a huge sip out of his liquor bottle]

Season 6 (2006)[edit]

Way of the Road[edit]

Ricky: That's nothing, Julian, me and my old man made 70 bucks from recycling last week.
Bubbles: 70 bucks each?
Ricky: No, 30 bucks each.
Bubbles: 30 bucks each? Ray, that doesn't add up.
Ray: Moving on, Bud...

The Cheeseburger Picnic[edit]

Randy: The cheeseburger picnic was going great. Barb and Ted said I did a real good job, and then the shit storm broke out. All these contractors and caught knee showed up. They're all looking for Randy. Where's Randy. Randy's gotta pay for this.
[Sam gets out of the pick up truck]
Sam: Barb.
Barb: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hey Randy, do you wanna sign this so I can get started please?
Randy: Sign what?
Sam: It's a purchase order.
Randy: Purchase order for what?
Sam: To pave the park.
Randy: I didn't call to have the park paved.
Sam: I got an emergency call to get down here and pave the park right away. Sign it so I can get started.
Randy: I didn't do it, Sam. I didn't call ya.
Sam: Fuck, there's your name. Randy Bo Bandy. Now sign it so I can get started.
Barb: He said he didn't call Sam!
Randy: Bo Bandy? I didn't call. I didn't call.
Sam: Once I start that truck, I'm on the fuckin' clock, okay? So sign it so I can get started.
Randy: I'm not signing shit! Why don't you go back and pave your cave, ya fuckin' caveman!
Sam: The fuck did you call me?
Barb: Well, you are a caveman, Sam.
Randy: Yeah! A fuckin' caveman!
Sam: Listen Burger Boy, you fuckin' pay me right now! You pay me right now! You fuckin' pay me right now!
[Randy and Sam fight each other]
Barb: Randy! Sam! Sam! Randy!
Ted: Alright. You guys are under arrest for breach of the peace.
[The cops arrest Randy and Sam]
Sam: Motherfuckers every time I come down here!
Randy: Ted, it's not my fault!
Ted: I gotta deal with you here, Randy.
Randy: Ted, this is bullshit! I was just trying to have a nice cheeseburger picnic and it got all fucked up! SON OF A BITCH! FOR FUCK'S SAKES! THIS IS FUCKIN' BULLSHIT!
[Ted opens the back door, puts Randy in the police car and closes the back door]

Halloween 1977[edit]

Bubbles: I remember Halloween 1977 like it was yesterday. I remember everything about that night.
Ricky: Well, I didn't even smoke dope back in '77, so I can tell you exactly what happened on Halloween.
Julian: I remember Halloween 1977 perfectly.
Ricky: We dressed up as people from Star Wars and I remember Julian copied off me. I don't even remember what I dressed up as. Luke Skywalker or Dark Vader or something but Julian copied off me. Bubbles was the gold guy, I remember that.
Bubbles: Had my C-3P0 outfit on. I remember the way the moon was gleamin' off the gold. I just wanted to get candy and Julian was on the liquor. I mean, we were only kids but he was still drivin' liquor into him.
Julian: Then we see Lahey coming home. He just got off duty. Parked his car, got out. Ricky decides he wants to fuck over his cop car.
Ricky: Bubbles or Julian, I can't remember which one, it was probably Julian but I think it was Bubbles, said 'let's go mess around with his cop car over here'.
Bubbles: Julian had the idea, he wanted to get into some 'mischief', I remember is what he called it. And he wanted to go push Lahey's car, put it out of gear and see where it would roll to.
Ricky: They put the car out of gear and started pushing it.
Bubbles: Put it out of gear and off it went and it picked up way more speed than they thought it would and it crashed right into a fuckin' trailer. I remember thinking, "Oh my God. Now we did it".
Ricky: And Lahey, he was a cop back then, it was his car, he ran out. All he wanted was to take Julian's liquor cause Julian was drinking big time back then. Julian fought him for it, liquor went up, got spilled all over Lahey and his uniform. He finally got the liquor, got back to his car and was trying to get car unstuck from the trailer in reverse and liquor spilled all over his crotch.
Julian: Next thing you know, George Green shows up, he was Lahey's partner.
Ricky: He's the stupidest cop there is and he thought Lahey was drunk, pissed himself. It did look like he was drunk and pissed himself, but he wasn't drunk. I don't think he even pissed himself at all, so it was a misunderstanding.
Bubbles: He started saying, "Now listen, George, this isn't what it looks like", and George told him he was drunk and as they started arguing all that did is make Lahey look more drunk and crazy than he actually was back then. And next thing, Lahey's under arrest and it was our fault.
Ricky: It came down to two choices and Lahey, well, he resigned. I just can't believe that Julian and Bubbles, they- they ruined Mr. Lahey's life.
Julian: He lost his career, he lost his marriage, went down the tubes and he lost his mind.
Bubbles: Mr. Lahey used to be nice back then and we turned him into a drunk, crazy lunatic.

Gimme My Fucking Money or Randy's Dead[edit]

Ricky (While hiding behind Phil during the shoot-out with Sam) Sam, you're fucking losing it, bud. Take off your sunglasses and look at the goddamn situation here. I have a human house! Go ahead, you can't even fucking shoot me, you see that?


Ricky: My dad's the Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor now. He just fucking loves it. I mean he basically doesn't do a fucking thing. Just drives around, has some drinks, and says high to people. It's awesome.

Ray: How's it going? 5,200 bucks a year! Come on! Life's good.

Ricky: Life for me now is just so fucking great. I just grow lots of dope, spend time with Lucy and Trinity....Things are going really, really well. And Lucy is being so fucking cool, I get drunk three or four times a week with my friends, get stoned, play video games. I just don't know how life can get any better than this.

Season 7 (2007)[edit]

I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up...No Big Deal[edit]

J-Roc: What's crackin', yall? Let me be the first to officially welcome y'all ma-fuckas to my brand-new joint: Scrilla Villa! Aight dog, check it out. Let me explain somethin' to ya. Ya know'm sayin'? Me' n' T had to get somethin' set up with the babies on the way, know'm sayin', with the family, ya know'm mean, so we had to start workin'. That's when I realized the airport has some interesting job opportunities, dog.
Tyrone: That's right. We had to seize the muthafucka!
J-Roc: Carpe dizzem, ya know'm sayin'?
Tyrone: That's right.
J-Roc: That's why we started gankin' luggage.
J-Roc: This is all the shit we ganked from overseas, ya know'm sayin'? It's all from Europe! It's tight! Ma-fuckas come back with some crazy-ass shit, dog. You want a box for ya bling? It's ten ma-fuckas! It's tight, cheap, and dope. I'm out.
J-Roc: This here room is what I call "Liquors of the World", dog. You know'm sayin'? Look at all this shit that ma-fucks bring back. It's ya passport to gettin' drunk, you know'm sayin'? (picks up a bottle shaped like a guitar) Glug-glug, ting-ting-ting-ting-ting!
J-Roc: (picks up a shoe) Real snake! What? Sayin'! We so busy now, ya know'm mean, I had to hire employees, ya know'm mean! That's Lucy right there. Lucy one of my employees. (points to her stomach) That li'l ma-fucka ain't, though! I ain't payin' for that ma-fucka!

Ricky: Is there any way Lucy coulda got pregnant without my bird doin' stuff to her?
Ray: (laughs) You're joking, right, Rick?
Ricky: No, actually I'm pretty serious, Dad.
Ray: Fuck, um...
Ricky: There must be another way. We have done some stuff, but.. Me and Lucy haven't banged in 7 months and she's 6 months pregnant, so... Does that work out, or...
Ray: Bubbles, answer that. I gotta rock a piss off, buddy.

[Randy rips his pants]
Randy: Ah! MOOSE BALLS! My pants!
[Barb laughs]
Randy: It's not funny, Barb! (punches the wall)
Jim: Randy.
[Randy walks away and punches the wall again]
Barb: Randy!
Randy: BALLS! My best pants! (punches the wall again)
Lahey: Randy!
Randy: This is fuckin'! (punches the wall again)
Barb: Randy!
Lahey: Randy!

[Bubbles reads an ad out of a magazine]
Bubbles: Decent! Julian, check this out!
Julian: What?
Bubbles: Look! "Tenth Annual Bangor International Model Train Convention"! Look who's hosting! Sebastian Bach, Skid Row! My God, "Trains from all over the world, this year featuring the Swayzie Express"!
Julian: Swayzie Express? Patrick Swayze?
(voice over)
Bubbles: Julian's always been really sensitive about the whole Patrick Swayze thing because, when we were kids in school the other kids used to tease him and call him "Patrick Swayze" but Julian was reeeeally into Dirty Dancing! I remember one time me and Ricky were coming over to get Julian to go ride bikes and we walked in the trailer and Julian was dressed up like him, pretending he was in the movie Dirty Dancing! Ricky told everyone at school and from then on they teased him, "Patrick Swayze"!
(voice over)
Julian: Are you fucking with me here, Bubbs? 'Cause it's not funny, man.
Bubbles: No, Julian! Not that Patrick Swayze, not the actor, Patrick Swayze. This is a different one.

[Lucy and Sarah are helping Randy try on new pants]
Lucy: The navy's really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.
Sarah: Yeah, they look really good, Randy. They're a big improvement.
Randy: They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight!
[Randy rocks from side to side, stretching in the new pants as Sarah checks a cuff]
Sarah: Yeah, they're only one size bigger, too.
[Randy's gut hits Sarah in the face]
Sarah: Randy!
Randy: Sorry, Sarah.
Ricky: (from outside) Lucy, get the fuck out here and tell me what's going on! Nice pants, Randy! You still look fucking stupid! Lucy, I'm serious! Get out here and talk to me!

Barb: So what do you wanna talk about, Randy, or do you need to be high first?
Randy: There's no real easy way of saying this. I fucked up.
Barb: What are you talking about?
Randy: Basically, I banged Lucy and knocked her up...no big deal.
Barb: Oh my God. That was you? Ugh, greasy. Do you know the whole park is talking about that?
Jim: You cheated on me, Randy? You cheated on us? You cheated on us?!
Barb: So that's $176.92, now would you like me to give it to you, or should I give it directly to your drug dealer?
Randy: Look, you guys have a good time dancin'. And Barb, your scalloped potatoes are fucked.
Jim: They're fantastic, Barb.

The Mustard Tiger[edit]

[Julian rips the missing poster off the wall]
Ricky: Guarantee, man. Jacob is high as fuck right now. Him and those 2 moo tins and they're fuckin' up our chances to sell the dope.
Julian: Just keep rippin' the posters down. Shut up please, Ricky. Come on.
Bubbles: Did you guys ever think maybe that. Jacob and those 2 twiggy alien bastards. Might get eaten by bears? This could be Cory and Trevor all again, boys. Somebody's gonna go insane off this. You watch.
[Julian and Ricky rip the missing posters off the wooden pole]
Ricky: When did you fuckin' go? Him and those 2 weird lookin' dicks are probably just partying somewhere. They stole your car, man. They fucked us.
Julian: Just have to find out if there's any police reports or missin' person reports. We gotta talk to Lahey.
[Thomas, Phil and Randy get out of the car]
Thomas: What're you guys doin'? What you? (takes the ripped off posters away from the boys)
Ricky: Who the fuck are you?! What the fuck do you want!? Nice clothes.
Phil: This is my son Thomas Collins. Jacob's brother.
Ricky: And Timmy or Tommy whatever the fuck his son's name is shows up here. He looks like he's adopted, he doesn't look anything like him but he's clearly not. They're both out of their fuckin' goddamn minds.
Thomas: You guys know Jacob? You know where he is right now?
Ricky: It wasn't us.
Thomas: It wasn't you guys. Those guys know where Jacob is. They're lying.
Phil: What're you not tellin' this!? What the fuck do you know about this, you dirty prick!? Huh?
Julian: Hey, hey. Fuck off, Phil.
Ricky: Phil Collins is fucking out of his mind these days. I don't know what's goin' on with him.
Phil: My son's the Dirty Burgers all I got. Fuck them. What about you, 4 eyes?
Bubbles: Fuckin'. Did you just call me 4 eyes?
Phil: What? You just did.
Bubbles: You big mustard tiger! All I did was call him a mustard tiger. I mean, he had a big tiger and he was all covered in mustard and I thought It was, you know, pretty cute little name and all of the sudden he snaps and. Starts smashin' Ricky's car up with a ladder.
[Phil throws a ladder at the Shitmobile.]
Ricky: What the fuck? (gets on top of the Shitmobile and fights Phil with a hockey stick) Big shire with fuckin' car, I'm serious! Would someone fuckin' help me here!? You and your fuckin' little tiger shirt all covered in mustard, you big fuckin' weird lookin' walrus fuck! Put the fuckin' ladder down!
Phil: The fuckin' car!
Bubbles: Calm down! Put the! Put the ladder down, Phil! That's not fair!
Julian: Sorry didn't tell you this. But Jacob and his buddies went studying somewhere because you were goin' on about the goddamn Dirty Burger so much, okay? You were distracted on. He bored my car. He told me not to tell ya.
Phil: Not tell the old man.
Ricky: I'm sick of tie fuckin' cheeseburgers. We all are. Isn't that right there, Sweaty Bo Bandy?
Thomas: If you've done somethin'. If you've done something to Jacob, I'll find out and you'll regret the day you ever mess with Philadelphia Collins and sons. Got me?
Julian: (scoffs) Fuck off.
Ricky: Philadelphia?
Thomas: Yeah. Philadelphia Collins.
Bubbles: Looks like he ate Philadelphia.
Julian: Let me deal with this, okay? He's studying. Everything's cool, Phil.
Thomas: We just gotta walk away. We gotta walk away. Let's go.
Bubbles: Yeah. Walk away.
Thomas: Come on.
Ricky: You're payin' for the fuckin' damage for that car too!
Phil: Unless you're payin' me for doin' a job 4.
Randy: Check find Jacob.
Bubbles: Get goin' lord on the onion, Randy. Nice socks, Randy.
Ricky: Big fuckin' surprise! You're all hanging out together! You're all fucked in the head! Fuckin' jeez! Look at scratches on my fuckin' car! Fuckin' cheap! (bangs on his Shitmobile with a hockey stick)

Jump the Cheeseburger[edit]


Bubbles: Oh, nice job there, son of the mustard tiger!
Thomas: My dad is not a mustard tiger!
Bubbles: Oh, OK!

Jim: Barb, maybe you should lay off the alcohol just for a couple.
Barb: Don't you think? Do you think, Jim? Because you know what? I'm gonna be totally honest with you and it's...it's a bit ironic, but since you stopped drinking you are not half as much fun!
Jim: Barb...I'm doing my best here.
Barb: Jim, I wish you'd start drinkin' again!

Lucy: Oh Randy, are you OK?
Randy: Ah, sweet and sour chicken balls! I think I sprained it, Luce!
Lucy: Is it bad?
Randy: Yeah, it hurts.
Lucy: OK, well we'll put some...
Randy: Ah, quarter horse cocks!
Lucy: OK, well...you know, we'll go back to my place and put some ice on this. You are going to be fine.
Randy: OK.
Lucy: It's not a problem. A couple hours max...
Randy: Alfred Hitchcock!
Lucy: Randy, enough with the cocks!
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