Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps
Series One (2001)
Fags, Shags and Kebabs [1.1]
- Donna: No, I'm fine with porn - what I'm not fine with is enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends!
- Janet: I got into his head. It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do. And getting my baps out on the first date didn't do any harm either.
- Jonny: (Waking up) Rock me, Amadeus.
- Gaz: I am the master of cunning.
- Donna: [to Gaz] There is to be no dumping. I just think you've got a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on top of it occasionally. None of this boyfriendy girlfriendy stuff.
- Flo: Don't be late, I'm making take-away for tea!
- Gaz: I'm laying down the seeds for my reign of power over Donna. See, the more I don't phone her the more desperate and insecure she becomes, soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.
- Gaz: (In the pub, holding a steak and kidney pie) Who invented the pie? I mean what a genius. 'Cause you've got the subtle flavour of the steak, mixed with the texture of the finest kidney, and all that against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbly buttery pastry. If that man was here now I'd shake his hand.
- Jonny: I'd kiss him.
- Gaz: You big poof!
Bone With the Wind [1.3]
- Louise: I need to know if he fancies me, because quite frankly my late-night Sting fantasies are wearing a bit thin; it's always the same plot.
- Gaz: Women don't cheat on me. I'm just so pretty.
- Gaz: Why are we sitting here while our women are sucking the fat out of someone else's sausage?!
Angry Wangry [1.4]
- Jonny: My brain is only strong enough to stop me from farting in front of you.
- Flo: Your girlfriend's mother is the biggest taboo of all.
- Gaz: I need a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.
- Jonny: You taste of lard!
- Janet: "Louise, you have the morals of a magpie who haunts the same gene pool as Adolf Hitler and Anthea Turner"
Ugly Babies [1.6]
- Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
- Louise: You've never practiced safe sex in your life. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time.
- Louise: Don't you know how much babies cost? More than a Peugeot!
- Gaz: We got our women pregnant at the same time. We've got telepathic testicles.
- Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.
- Janet: Jonny, I'm not Pregnant.
- Jonny: Thank fuck for that!
- Gaz: Pissing outside is one of life's greatest pleasures.
- Gaz: Well what? Is it me? Do I repulse you? Look, I can stop yelling, "Tina Arena you will be mine" at the moment of climax.
- Gaz: What is a hulk anyway?
- Jonny: I’m not sure. I think it’s a cross between hunk and bulk. Of course, you can’t have The Incredible Hunk, 'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
- Gaz: Yeah, and you can’t have The Incredible Bulk...'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
Series Two (2002)
On the Blob [2.1]
- Gaz: [to Donna] I've never asked you this before and it seems a bit stupid since we've been shagging each other's brains out for the last month but… would you like to go for a drink sometime?
- Flo: They may have a sneeze guard but it's no match for embryotic fluid!
- Donna: Now, let me think. When did I last see my own clout?
- Flo: You two should never talk. You've got one of them relationships based on lust and you must never lose that.
Dirty Girls [2.3]
- Flo: Apparently it’s illegal to advertise yourself in phone boxes. Ask me why, I don’t know. British Telecom do it.
- Janet: We have some spare va va voom in the kitchen if you want to borrow it.
- Gaz: Donna, you look... beautiful; would you like to be my pop tart and live in my toaster of love?
Crusty Curtains [2.5]
- Gaz: There's no such thing as a perfect couple. Well, except Chris Evans and Billie. Sat there getting pissed with an 18-year-old every day. How perfect is that?
Mo Mo and Pigsy [2.6]
- Gaz: [motivating himself] You are Gaz Wilkinson. A beast of a man. You are strong. You are confident. You are Gaz Wilkinson. And girls want to touch you.
Series Three (2003)
- Gaz: [About Munch] He's a complete yoghurt!
- Munch: I wasn't watching. I was listening, with my eyes.
- Munch: I stole it, Munch Magic!
- Jonny: Limp-wristed sexual innuendo that should have been marched to the gallows with the Carry On films.
- Gaz: I am your prince and I shall awaken you with my mighty sword.
- Donna: You're scared of sheep?! That's stupid; they can't hurt you.
- Gaz: That's what they want you to think!
- Gaz: You didn't know I was afraid of sheep; I didn't know you were afraid of sex.
- Jonny: I don't want to be standing by the altar with you an iron lung coughing blood and phlegm at me!
- Louise: [sniffing the card her secret admirer sent her] Who do I know who smells of paper?
- Jonny: She's a funny one is Janet, she'll do anything, things that even I find disgusting. She does things with a cucumber you wouldn't believe.
- Gaz: Oh yeah, like what?
- Jonny: This one time, I walked into the bedroom and she was lying on the bed with with cucumber slices on her eyes and mud on her face, she's pure dirt!
- Jonny: I can do anything, like a panda.
- Louise: I will neither play or be playant of the games and or gaming tactics employed by both sexes in accordance with the laws set by herself, Mother Nature.
- Munch:They can't do you for it once you've robbed it. It's called Double Geoffrey.
- Janet: You're gonna marry me whether you like it or not and it's gonna be friggin' marvellous, okay?!
- Jonny: You know, I think my proposal was better. Yours was just rude.
Dresses Dresses Dresses [3.6]
- Gaz: [to Donna, who is asleep] [In New York accent] Wake up and smell the caw-fee!
- Donna: oh, Gaz, I was having the best dream ever then.
- Gaz: Was it about me, the Sugababes and loads of coal?
- Donna: No, I dreamt I was asleep.
- Gaz: Yeah, and?
- Donna: Yeah, that was it, I was asleep, and then this stupid monkey came in and said [in New York accent] "Wake up and smell the caw-fee!"
- Louise: [to David, when he tells her to do some T'ai Chi with him] Ok, but don't expect me to join your cult.
- David: ...it's not a cult.
- Louise: That's what the Britannia Music Club said.
- Jonny: [to Janet, about her excitement about her dress] You don't see me and Gaz jumping around going "ooh, Look at my fancy new pants! They cost me a month's wages and I'm never wearing them again, hooray!"
- Jonny: Well, I know Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something that he could only use once and think it was great.
- Janet: What about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?
- Jonny: That wasn't a month's wages, it was two cans of White Lightning.
- Jonny: All I'm saying is if you pay a bomb for something, it needs to be used and used and used again until it breaks. Like Gareth Gates.
- Jonny: Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
- Janet: Look, here's twenty quid--
- Jonny: [Snatching the note] --off you pop!
- [Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]
- Jonny: Gaz, pub!
- [Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]
- Donna and Louise: Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!
- [Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]
- Gaz: Pub, Pub, Pub, Pub!
- [Inside the Wedding dress shop, Louise enters in Janet's chosen wedding dress]
- Donna: [Gasp] You look like a sweet!
- Louise: ...a sweet what?
- Donna: No, just a sweet, like a Campino, or a truffle. Better than that, you look like a toilet roll cover!
- Louise: Thank you!
- Janet: That's a wedding dress...
- Louise: Janet, we're in a wedding dress shop, what do you expect me to be wearing? The Turin Shroud?
- Donna: Well, why don't we [Louise and Donna] try a dress on each for fun, and then you can dress us however you like, like lobsters, or like Pig-women if need be.
- Louise: I'm not dressing like pig-woman. She was my least favourite Spice Girl.
- Donna: [Singing to the tune of the wedding march, holding Louise's dress train] Bah-rum-da-dah
Look at Louise in the lovely, lovely dress
- Louise: You have to sing at the wedding now!
- Donna: Oh, can I Janet?
- Janet: Stop it.
- Donna: There's more.
- [Singing again]
- Donna: Check out the dress
The dress is great
I think I should try one on... round about now
- [Gaz is motivating Jonny to carry the large keg of "beer" as he can't carry it himself.]
- Jonny: It's bloody heavy! Have you never carried 40 pints?
- Gaz: Well, only in my bladder.
- Jonny: You take it the rest of the way.
- Gaz: I would but...
- Jonny: But what?
- Gaz: Well, I've...I've broke me arm [sic]
- [Jonny looks at him skeptically]
- Gaz: Well, it's not broke, it's...
- Jonny: Well, use your other arm!
- Gaz: No way!
- Jonny: Why not?
- Gaz: 'Cos it's the arm I use for pleasuring myself... and others.
- Gaz: Hey, I'll coach you, eh? ... Come on!
- Jonny: Christ. I'm only taking it as far as the garage.
- Gaz: [Drill Sergeant Style] Carrying beer's what Jon does best, hoo! hoo!
His keg's bigger than all the rest...
- Jonny: You twat.
- Gaz: [resuming his Drill Sergeant's chant] He may or may not be wearing a vest...
- Jonny: Oh, my God.
- Gaz:And now I'm going to think of Jo Guest,
Jo Guest, one, two,
Big Breasts, Three-four!
- [Janet is in the wedding shop, trying to preoccupy Louise and Donna so she can find her dress. She calls Donna and Louise over.]
- [She shows Donna a tartan dress]
- Donna: I didn't know you were Scottish.
- Janet: Um... well, Jonny is. Or his Dad is. He is um... Jonny McCloud of the Clan McCloud...
- Donna: Yeah, that was "Highlander".
- Janet: Anyway, look, I thout it would be really nice for him to see his family's tartan on his wedding day, so, there you go!
- Louise: But there's only one dress.
- Janet: In that case, Louise, you can try this on.
- [Janet shows Louise a vivid Green dress]
- Louise: Um... but this isn't Tartan, we won't match.
- Janet: No, no, that dress has been um... chosen to represent Jonny's love of... green stuff.
- Donna: Yeah, but, um, Janet?
- Janet: Yeah?
- Donna: ...These dresses ming.
- [Donna and Louise come out in their dresses.]
- Donna: [reg. Janet] She's mad! What's her first dance going to be? "Agadoo?"
- Louise: No, she'll choose something about Jonny, like "Johnny B Goode" or "Jilted John".
- Donna: Ooh, that's clever!
- Louise: ...Or "Jonny Put Your Shoes Back On, You're Making Me Retch."
- Donna: No, I don't know that one.
- Louise: It's the one I hum to myself whenever I see him.
- Donna: Do you think we should tell Janet we hate the dresses?
- Louise: Um... she's nearly broken me twice this year, merely by looking at me funny.
- Donna: Looking at your what?
- Bridal Woman: [Grabbing Janet in her dress around the waist and breasts] That dress is just womanliness gone mad!
- Janet: Are you sure you're on commission, and not just coming onto me?
- Bridal Woman: You are stunning...
- [Gaz is about to open the keg of beer]
- Gaz: Right, I'm gonna shove it in the hole, you catch what squirts out.
- Jonny: Don't use language like that, not in a male environment.
- Gaz: Jonny, d'you want some beer, or d'you want a big, fat smack?
- Jonny: [Sarcastically, in a 'Gay' voice] Well, it depends what you're gonna smack me with.
- [Gaz and Jonny have just opened a keg of "beer"]
- Gaz: Whoa, blue beer! Maybe we're the first ones to see this, we've come across a secret formula
- Jonny: ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
- Gaz: No it can't be...it's a new type of beer this Jon, woo-hoo.
- Jonny: Well, drink it then!
- Gaz: Alright, I will!
- [Gaz drinks the "blue beer" excitedly]
- Gaz: It's absolutely delicious!
- Jonny: Honest? Honest, is that beer? They must put the brown in afterwards!
- [Jonny drinks the blue beer]
- Jonny: [after a beat] ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
- Gaz: I know, I thought we should die together.
- Jonny: We probably need an antidote round about now.
- Gaz: ...Shall we get a pint, then?
Fockin Mokky Bokka [3.7]
- Donna: [About the noisy scouser neighbours who kept them up all night] Four o'clock in the morning...
- Gaz: I know...
- Donna: And... then they start shagging.
- Gaz: Yeah, You can't begrudge 'em that, it's every man's right.
- Donna: Yeah, Gaz, it's every man's right to have sex, it's not everyone's right to go... [In high-pitched Liverpool accent] "BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY Oh, ta, that was sound, let's 'ave more Coke... BABY BABY BABY BABY..."
Jammy Dodgers [3.8]
- Louise: I dreamt about a princess who was given a box of diamonds by a handsome prince one day and the next day he gave her a bag of spit that he'd sucked out of a cow - What do you think it means?
Musical Special (2003)
When Janet Met Jonny
[During the “Find My Casanova” song with Donna, Janet and Louise]
- Donna: Hot pants from Tesco’s
- All: mmm, mmm, mmm
- Donna: That’s where we get our bestest clothes
- All: yeah, yeah, yeah
- Louise: I can get us in the place cause all the bouncers know my face.
[During the “We Need Some Slags” song with Gaz and Jonny]
- Jonny: But I’m not comin’ out , I’m stayin’ here.
[Jonny pulls out a megaphone]
- Jonny: And get really, wobbly on beer.
- Gaz: Just try a little brute for men, oh no it all got drank.
- Gaz: We all need a bosom, for a pillow or tit wank.
- Jonny: I've no need for a woman , when I’ve got my left hand.
- Jonny: Just a handy TUB of Vaseline and a picture of my gran.
- Jonny: But I don’t want tarts. I want white lightning. there not my mummy. there rather frightening.
- Jonny: I don’t need a girlfriend.
- Gaz: Oh just come out and play.
- Jonny: I’ll tell em that I’m too young.
- Gaz: I’ll tell em that your gay
- Jonny: ok ill come for one pint, but then I’ll go back home.
- Gaz: nice one lad you wont regret it.
- Jonny: but ill make sure I'm alone
[During the “Biscuit Rap” song with Jonny and Gaz]
- Jonny: Cos you could keep any bitch like I'm a rich tea
- Gaz: Which tea?
- Jonny: I tell you I'm a Junkie, a flunkie,
Cruising my ass with an Oreo,
Don't need a ho.
Got my Garibaldi, not Barlow, he's gone now.
I need a Kit Kat,
When the rhyme's fat,
With the beat I can't cheat,
Can a biscuit cheat like a mother?
- Gaz: But Johnny don't you know? Ohh-ohh
- Gaz: Don't be fooled when you dip'em in your tea,
They're not, they're not gonna make you happy,
- Jonny: I aint gonna go and have a roll in the hay,
No way, I'll have a fig roll,
Ya dig bro?
Don't wanna go out having fun,
I stay at one with the borbon,
A hob nob, that's the only dog I'm dipping,
I ain't flippin, wanna cookie?
You be tripping.
The ho's say
'try my choc chip treats.'
That ain't sweet,
I ain't no piece of meat,
I want wafer,
You been away for a night,
With a she-dog,
You want a biscuit,
BUT DOG DONT GOT NONE, NO!
- Jonny: Can you see the philosophy,
Of the desire,
That these biscuits,
They can cause in me?
And my soul will ever be entwined,
With the hole left,
When a mother, however fine,
Tries to share my life,
With my biccy time.
- Jonny: I got my lovely, crunchy biscuits,
Hell I'll say it once more in case you missed it,
I ain't dunking no girl like a biscuit,
Never gonna change so don't try to twist it.
Series Four (2004)
Corinthian Dies [4.1]
Piggy Goes Oink [4.2]
My Delicious Guava [4.3]
Mate Date [4.6]
Homeless and Horny [4.7]
Filthy Brunching [4.8]
- Donna: (Giving Janet advice on her sex life) Try doing something Kate never did for him
- Janet: Ooh... well I do have an incredibly flexible twat.
Series Five (2005)
Nobbly Bobbly [5.2]
Potato People [5.5]
Jonny: Aww...your kebab juice only makes me love you more...interestingly not the first time I've used that sentence.
- Donna: My darling husband-to-be. Ever since you, shagged my best friend and got her up the duff... I can think of no better way I'd rather spend my life than with a BASTARD like you. What we had, you took a shit on then stamped on and did another shit on, and gave me your shoes. And for that I THANK you my dear husband. For I feel we can unite as people who HATE Gaz Wilkinson, that MAN Gaz Wilkinson who owns a HANSON album, that MAN Gaz Wilkinson who is RUBBISH in bed! That man Gaz Wilkinson who has a birthmark in the shape of another man's penis, directly over his bumhole....
- Donna: Surely masturbation must burn up some calories.
- Gaz: Well, when you first left, I just couldn't be bothered. Now, I just can't reach.
Stot or Pronk [5.9]
Gaz: (after pulling off Donna's fake lips) "Donna, Donna, Donna... You knob head"
Who’s the Daddy? [5.10]
- Janet: Oh my God, it's like somebody opening an umbrella on my arse!
- Janet: How the hell does a baby's head come out of something so small?
- Jonny: Small? You think a lot of yourself, don't you?
Love 83199 [5.13]
Near, Far [5.14]
Series Six (2006)
Mummy Cupboard [6.3]
Donna: (Acting like a bloke) "I'll tell yae what yae need! Yae shut yaer chuffin mooth until yae spoken tae or I'll twat yae into next week!"
Louise: "Daddy, daddy tell me!"
Brian: "Alright! Because I'm a poof and a piss head and I bid you good bye."
Gaz: (Gaz has asked Donna to marry him and she has refused) "Donna listen, I'm gonna make you say 'yes' 'cause I love you, and I know for as long as I live I never want another woman... except on my stag night and on holiday. Or when you're pregnant or ill. Or when the painters are in... or when you're on you're period. That's it."
Shaving Ryans Privates[6.5]
Croppity Crops [6.6]
Finger Sniffing [6.7]
- Gaz has explained to Jonny that he cannot be Corinthian's father
- Jonny: Gaz, I don't know what to say...other than...'AVE IT!
- Gaz: What?
- Jonny: You big jaffa! Who's the daddy? Who is the daddy?...IT'S ME!
- Gaz: Jonny!
- Jonny: Take that, Janet! Take my superior load! Oh, yeah! Come on, Corinthian, we're going home. [to Gaz] Suck my fully-functioning balls!
- Gaz: [despondently] See you, Bruce.
- Jonny: Oh, yeah, and here's your T-shirt back. [exit]
- Gaz: [looks at the shrunken T-shirt] You boil-washed it!!
War, Hurrgh! [6.8]
- Louise: You must know all about prostitution, Donna, what with your mum being a whore.
- Donna: My mum wasn't a whore, she just had sex with men...for...money...
- Donna: I didn't apply to be the bar manager of Nazi Germany!
- Inspector: We don't inspect brothels! [pause] More's the pity...
- Louise: [to inspector] Hello, sailor! Fancy some fun? By fun I mean sex for money.
- Inspector: So, Mrs Keogh, can you give me any reason that I shouldn't shut this place down?
- [camera centres on Janet and the EastEnders theme tune plays]
Closing Time [6.9]
- Janet: Don't shout at me.... in American!
- Dion: [repeated line] Suck my fat, hairy cock!
- Gaz: I'm not scared of the pigs....Just don't call the sheep, alright?
- Donna: [ref. to Gaz] Oi, he's got balls!...they just don't work properly .....
- Jonny: (explaining that he wants to be his friend) No, Janet explained it all to me. There's nothing more beautiful than the love between a man and another man.
- Gaz: No, There's nothing more beautiful than the love between a man, a man, a man, another man and a very dirty woman.
When Janet Killed Jonny [6.10]
Jonny: "Here's Jonny"
When Jonny Met Sharky [7.1]
Gaz: [Thinking of something exciting] I know, I'll set fire to me knob! .... no.....no not again.
Louise: I've often had a can of Dr Pepper removed from my anus
Homophobia is Gay [7.3]
Dead Jonny Talking [7.4]
It’s Donna and Gaz’s wedding day and after letting Janet organise the wedding it turns into a shrine to Janet’s late husband Jonny. Louise encourages Janet to clear out Jonny’s things in order to help her get over his death. Louise then decides to show everyone that she can keep a secret after she finds a secret letter regarding who is Corinthians father. Gaz decides to make the most out of life as Jonny’s death taught him that life is short. So on their first night together as a married couple Gaz gets Munch to secretly record him and Donna having sex so he can star in his own porno, number one thing on his bucket list. Gaz shares with Janet that the other things in his list are that he wants to drive the car of his dreams, a ford mondeo, and also conquer his fear of sheep. Donna decides to volunteer in a charity shop to get over her fear of death. After some advice from the old woman that works there, Donna decides to shut off her emotions in order to help her cope with grief. When Munch comes in to the charity shop Donna gives him an old jacket of Jonny’s that Janet donated. Corinthian starts to call Munch ‘dada’ and this prompts Janet to think of him as another Jonny. Whilst driving the Ford Mondeo Gaz almost crashes into Donna, this causes him to serve and crash the car. He also conquers his fear of sheep. He decides he isn’t satisfied with life after completing his list.
Six Months Later [7.6]
African Death Face [7.7]
Louise: [referring to the fact that she has had a baby] Ha, Louise Brooks, back in a size 6, fuck you Posh, you fat slag!