Ultimate X-Men

Ultimate X-Men is a superhero comic book published by Marvel Comics, which started in 2001.

The Tomorrow People

Issue 3

[Toad jumps on top of Cyclops as he tries to rescue the presidents daughter.]

Toad: Whoever told you that tight little t-shirt doesn't make you look like the team pansy was lying, Cyclops.

[He leaps into the air just as Storm and Iceman arrive.]

Toad: You're next, by the way, you stupid looking american cow.

---

Storm: This is for calling me American, you skinny, English jerk!

[She kicks Toad in the face.]:

---

[Jean Grey has just congratulated Wolverine on saving the President's daughter.]

Wolverine: I'm thinking of a telepathic red-headed 19-year-old. But she's wasting her time with a loser who brushes his teeth six times a day.

Issue 5

[Magneto has explained his agenda to Cyclops.]

Cyclops: You sound like Adolf Hitler.

World Tour

Issue 16

Opening caption: Land's End, Scotland.

[In our universe, Land's End is in Penwith, Cornwall, England]

Issue 17

Iceman: What the heck are the Welsh?

Betsy Braddock: A quaint, little people just west of England, Iceman. Picture the Scots without the sex appeal or the Irish without the laughs and you've pretty much got them nailed.

---

Moira McTaggart: The people who fund Charles' work hope that some of them will graduate to the Westchester facility, of course, but I'm afraid that's still a long way off for even the best of them.

Storm: What do you mean the people fund his work? Xavier told us he paid for the school, the planes, and all the other stuff out of the money his parents left him.

McTaggart: smirking: Really? Well, that must have been quite an inheritance, Storm. Who did he tell you his mother and father were? Bill and Melinda Gates?

---

[Opening Caption, in thundering rain]: Muir Island.

Storm: [holding an umbrella, looking annoyed] If this is Scotland, it stinks.

Ultimate War

Issue 3 (Ultimate War)

Captain America: Lets go kick their heads in.

Issue 4 (Ultimate War)

Storm: You think you can handle this guy all by yourself if I take care of the people outside, Peter?

Colossus: Do not worry about me, Ororo... Nothing can hurt me when I am in solid steel form. Not even this guy.

Iron Man/Stark: GOD ALMIGHTY!

---

Xavier: Beast! Why are we taking a detour through the training arena? We're supposed to be heading for the X-Jet, boy!

Beast: Just hitting them with everything I can think of, sir! Setting the fight simulator for ninja assassin is our best bet of slowing them down!

Hawkeye: What the hell?!

Rabbi-Ninja Hologram: In answer to your question, my young friend, Judaism teaches that the first five books of the Bible were dictated word-for-word by God to his servant Moses.

(The 'ninja assassin' setting releases katana wielding Orthodox Jews)

---

Iron Man/Stark: Get away from me you Neanderthal! Have you any idea how much this armor actually costs?

Wolverine: Ah, shut up Stark! You can afford it!

Return of the King

[After Jean Grey blasts the nuclear radiation into the sky]

Civilian: You guys rule!

[Jean Grey is confused]

Jean Grey: I think I felt more comfortable when they were throwing the bricks and bottles at us.

Blockbuster

Issue 35

[Wolverine is being stalked by Weapon X assassins]

Peter Parker: That's who did that to you?

Wolverine: That is who carved me up.

[Peter sees innocent-looking diaper vans.]

Peter Parker: OH MY GOD!! Why are diaper deliverymen trying to kill you?

---

[Wolverine and Spidey have just visited Black Widow]

Spider-Man: She may be the hottest girl I have ever seen in my life, and I have cable!

Issue 37

[Wolverine, Daredevil and Spider-Man are in a barrage of machinegun fire.]

Daredevil: We have to get away from this van!

Spider-Man: Sundance, you go first!

Daredevil: Sundance?

Spider-Man: Nobody gets me.

New Mutants

Issue 40

[Angel has just entered, an Adonis of a man]

Shadowcat: Dibs.

Storm: Stop it, Kitty.

The Tempest

Issue 46

[Angel and Nightcrawler inform Jean-Paul he is a mutant.]

Jean-Paul Beaubier: Great! Sophomore year, I realise I'm gay, and now you're telling me I'm a mutie?

Angel: Um, you may want to live the life for a bit before you start slinging derogatory terms like that, even if you're trying to reappropriate them or whatever.

Nightcrawler: [Disapprovingly] Gay?

---

Angel: Jean-Paul, we've been sent to invite you to the Xavier Institute for Gifted Children, a school in Westchester created by and for our kind.

Jean-Paul Beaubier: "Our kind?" God, you people are worse than my mom. As soon as I came out of the closet, she tried to make me enroll at Harvey Milk.

Angel: I'm sorry?

Jean-Paul Beaubier: It's this "special" high school just for gay kids, where we can supposedly get an education without being harassed by idiots. But you know what? I'd rather get called homo ten times a day than.. than segregate myself from the rest of society.

Nightcrawler: This is different, mein freund. It may not be safe for you here.

Jean-Paul Beaubier: And your school will be? Didn't one of your classmates just get murdered?

Issue 47

Jean Grey: I am an X-Man... and save the sex-change jokes.

---

[Jean Grey and Colossus witness Jean-Paul Beaubier awake. Beaubier is openly gay.]

Jean Grey: Jean-Paul, this is Piotr.

Jean-Paul Beaubier: Is... he... single?

[Colossus is so shocked that he turns into his metal form.]

Issue 48

[On being called "Marvel Girl"]

Jean Grey: I outgrew that handle two bra-sizes ago.

---

[A drunk Dazzler enters the Danger Room]

Iceman: Oh yeah, I forgot we started accepting losers on the team.

Rogue: She smells like my grandfather.

Angel: Is your grandfather dead?

---

Jean Grey: Take it from a telepath and Cosmo subscriber, men are never what they seem. I mean, who'd guess that a guy like you is constantly daydreaming about Pirates of the Caribbean?

Nightcrawler: Ah, Miss Kiera Knightley. I'd happily sink a thousand ships just to stare into her... vait, you spy on my fantasies?

Issue 49

[Sinister is rolling the wheelchair of Professor X away.]

Professor X: Where are you taking me?

Sinister: To the one enemy of the great Charles Xavier.

[Sinister pushes the wheelchair down the stairs.]

Sinister: Stairs.

---

[In a confrontation against Mister Sinister, whom is holding Dazzler hostage and Rogue has at gunpoint]

Rogue: He killed Bobby, War. He... he killed the only boy who ever treated me halfway decent, and for that, he gets to--

Shadowcat: Whoa, rewind! Bobby's alive! I just checked on him. His ice absorbed most of the impact. I think he mighta broke a rib or two, but--

Dazzler: Hey, morons! Hostage situation here, remember?

Cry Wolf

Issue 50

[Heavily-pierced Dazzler is flirting with Colossus]

Dazzler: Seriously, what's up with you? I'm smoking hot, and I have a thing for strange accents. Why don't you make out with me?

Colossus: You have more metal in your skin than I have. We would scrape.

---

[Seeing a board advertising the sideshow "Wolfsbane, half-wolf, half-woman!"]

Storm: I am going in there. She is being exploited!

Wolverine: Maybe she is exploiting them?

[They peek around the corner. Wolfsbane is sharing a happy dinner with her obviously mutated friends.]

Wolverine: Everybody’s a freak to somebody. You just gotta find your tribe and try to do right by them. But if it makes you feel better, we could storm the ticket booth and eviscerate a few carnies for her.

Storm: [kisses Logan] You are sweet.

Issue 52

[Angel is talking about Fenris, aka Andrea and Andreas von Strucker]

Angel: Nobody knows whether they are married... or siblings.

Shadowcat: Ewww.

Dazzler: That was old since the White Stripes started it.

---

Andrea von Strucker: We always funnel the profits generated from Gambit's...acquisitions right back into the Homo superior community.

Rogue: Steal from the rich to give to the peculiar, huh?

Issue 53

Angel: You sure this is a good idea?

Colossus: No, but it's Cyclops' idea, and that's good enough for me.

The Most Dangerous Game

Issue 56

[Spiral is theatening the X-Men, holding weapons in each of her six arms]

Iceman: Gee... how much does a skeez like you spend on deodorant?

Magnetic North

Issue 61

Professor X: [to his cat] Mystique, that's enough.

Wolverine: The hell kinda handle is that for a cat?

Prof. X: I once dated a young woman who went by that name.

Wolverine: What was she, a stripper?

Issue 62

[Lorna Dane awakes in the same cell as Magneto]

Lorna Dane: [scared to death] I'm in hell.

---

Magneto: For Xavier, the world is nothing but shades of grey. For me, the world is black and white.

Issue 63

Jean Grey: [in Cyclops mind] Come home soon. I love you so much it hurts, okay?

Cyclops: [Already out off merged mind state] Yeah, I love you too.

Wolverine: Please tell me you ain't talking to me. You're sitting on an ejector seat, you know.

---

Shadowcat: After this mission, I am so totally changing my nickname. "Shadowcat" sounds so Neopets.

---

Sunspot: I always knew you X-narcs were just tools of the man.

---

Iceman: Did you hear, the Prof said that speedster kid you visited in the hospital a few months back is part of Alex's little raiding party.

Colossus: Jean-Paul? He's... he's coming here?

Jean Grey: This isn't prom, Peter.

Issue 64

Havok: You sure you can get us across the pond to the Triskelion, Northstar?

Northstar: Well, "sure" is a strong word, Alex.

---

[Polaris has just refused to join Magneto's Brotherhood]

Magneto: You overweight harlot.

[Magneto grabs a chair and smashes it over Polaris' head]

---

Mystique: Hello, my love.

Magneto: Mystique? Is that really you?

Mystique: "The eyes may be fooled by a woman's disguise, but the heart never fails to recognize."

Forge: Do you have to go through this routine every time you two see each other?

Issue 65

[Deathstrike has just impaled Dazzler. A horrified Angel stares at them.]

Deathstrike: What's up, mutie? I thought your girlfriend liked getting pierced.

---

[Talking on the phone.]

Colossus: Sorry, the what? Really? Uh, when is it? Yeah. You know what, sure. Email me the details. Okay, tell Warren we miss him. Talk to you soon, Jean-Paul.

Nightcrawler: Northstar? What was that all about, Peter?

Colossus: He asked me to go to Homecoming with him.

---

Magneto: Cyclops, you are the least threatening boy in the world. You can't hit me without harming your brother.

Havok: Y'know, for a guy who claims to know about brotherhood...

Cyclops: You don't know much about brothers

Cyclops blasts Magneto to the ground without harming Havoc, who was in the line of fire

Havok: Nice shooting, four eyes.

Cyclopes: You make a easy target, idiot.

---

[Havok & Polaris have just been reunited]

Jean Grey: Is that a little jealously I sense?

Cyclops: A little sadness about losing my plane, maybe.

Ultimate X-Men Annual #1

[Danger Room simulation]

Holo-Green Goblin: Congratulations, X-Men. You have the honor of being escorted into oblivion by none other than... the Green Goblin.

Wolverine: Who the hell writes this crap?

Date Night

Issue 66

Cyclops: You've got a date?

Professor X: I'm handicapped, Scott. Not dead. I'm meeting a woman. It's mostly business, but still a date.

Cyclops: I get it. It's a business dinner but she's attractive enough for you to wish it were a date.

Professor X: I think Jean is finally rubbing off on you. This is not a bad thing.

Cyclops: Actually, Jean is in the other room getting ready, she's been listening in. I think she made me say that.

Issue 67

Colossus: This is why you don't want to be around me now, yes? You think I like you -- that way. I promise that is not so.

Nightcrawler: Uh... well.

Colossus: It is okay, friend. You need not lie to me. I know you've been avoiding me since you think you found out what I am. Have you never met a girl you are not attracted to? Do you think that I am attracted to every man? Why would you think that? I will admit, your skin is cute, but you are not my type. So do not worry, I promise to keep my hands to myself. Can we just go back to the way things were?

Nightcrawler: I do not know, mein freund.

Colossus: I am the same friend you knew, Kurt.

Nightcrawler: I am thinking now... that I did not know that friend very well...

Issue 69

Polaris: Here comes the happy couple.

Northstar: Please, Lorna -- I believe this is our first date.

Polaris: I don't think it counts when you've talked on the phone as much as you two already have!

Colossus: I see you are not one to keep things quiet. No?

Northstar: I thought you liked that.

Colossus: I like that you are free with your speech. I see now maybe a little too free?

External links

[AC I] [AC II] [AC V] [AC V] [AC V] [AC V] [AC V] [AC V] [AC VI]