[On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids.
[serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door!
[struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!
[to Maizy's principal] I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.
Cindy Russell: When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.
Tia: So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell: I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia: Oh really?
Cindy Russell: Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.
Maizy: I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Miles: [off-screen] Shut up!
Maizy: Shut up, yourself!
Tia: We need boys so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.
Buck: Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Cindy Russell: Oh, good.
Buck: Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.
Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Miles: Own or rent?
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Buck: I'm your Dad's brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid - that's my job.
Buck: What time do you want me to pick you up after school?
Tia: Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends.
Buck: No, I have my orders. What time?
Tia: Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.
Buck: Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.
Tia: Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.
Buck: Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?
Buck: Do you think she hates me?
Maizy: With a passion.
Buck: Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Buck: No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.
[Buck's beat-up old car pulls up]
Bug: Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck: [Mockingly] Ah-hee-hee-hee! Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck: You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah-hee-hee-hee-hee.
Tia: Are you crazy?
Buck: I can be.
Tia: You could have taken his head off!
Buck: Yeah, but would he notice?
Buck: The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Buck: You bet.
Tia: And how would you know?
Buck: When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.
Tia: I recommend you stay out of my personal life!
Buck: Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia: They don't know my personal life.
Buck: Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia: His name is Bug.
Buck: [chuckles] First or last?
Buck: What's his last name, Spray?
Tia: You should talk, "Buck."
Buck: [inquiring about the health of Bob's father-in-law] Her dad?
Bob Russell: Hard to say.
Buck: Oh, those medical terms eh?
[Chanice is listening to an answering machine message from Buck]
Buck: I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.
Buck: What do we call them? One... one was on the right, 'was Lyndon and left was...
Chanice: It's Johnson.
Buck: And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disney World. And Felix! Felix is what we called your...
[cut to the next scene, where a cat meows loudly]
Buck: Did you brush your teeth?
Miles: Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck: You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it... to see if you actually brushed your teeth... or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
[Buck leaves, as Miles gawks]
Maizy: If that's true, we're gonna REALLY have to start brushing our teeth.
Buck: What, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Yeah, I think you did.
Pooter-the-clown: What are you? Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?
Buck: No, no. It's just that I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids. You know?
Pooter-the-clown: I don't have to take any shit from you! You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a GOD!
Buck: Get in your mouse, and get out of here.
Pooter-the-clown: Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life, lying, four-flushing, sack-of-sh...
[Buck punches him in the face, Pooter drops, then gets back up like an inflatable clown and shakes the pain off]
[Buck punches him again, knocking him out]
[at a meeting with the assistant principal, who has a large unsightly growth on her face]
Anita: I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell: [Staring at it] Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart. [she gives him a look] Not her wart, not her wart. I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buckwart Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming!" I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!
Maizy's Teacher: Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
[Maizy raises her hand]
Maizy's Teacher: Maizy?
Maizy: My uncle was microwaving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maizy's Teacher: Honest?
Maizy's Teacher: Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maizy: He can't get the Goddamn washing machine to work.
Maizy's Teacher: [picks up a ruler] BLASPHEMER!
Maizy: [about the bowling alley] They have rent-a-shoes!
Tia: And rent-a-foot disease!
[Buck is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him]
Buck: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia: Try me.
Buck: How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.
Buck: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug: It's an ax?
Buck: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up, say, for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why, I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat, are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoaaa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
Tia: I'm sorry.
Bug: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck: Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.
[Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]
Miles: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.
Maisey: I'll bet she's getting the tongue!
Tia: Uncle Buck?
Tia: Got a minute?
Buck: I got lots of minutes.
Tia: Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night.
Buck: You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.
Tia: You just can't find any way to be cool, can you?
Buck: You mean easy? No.
Tia: I mean decent!
Buck: You mean blind!
Tia: Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up shit creek and got stuck!
Buck: Get used on your parent's time.
Tia: Hey, Buck?
Tia: Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone else messes with your life, doesn't it?
Buck: You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much.
Tia: [crying] I'm sorry.
Buck: Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again.
[Buck has shown Tia, her ex-boyfriend, Bug who is gagged and tied up in the trunk of his car. He undoes the duct tape]
Bug: You shithead! I could've suffocated in here!
Buck: You know what I'd like you to do. You could be doing both of us a favor. I'd like you to apologize to this lady, please.