Upright Citizens Brigade

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  • Realtor: This is the Hot Chicks Room. The breakfast table's just over this way...
Wife: Excuse me? What was that room again?
Realtor: Oh, this is the Hot Chicks Room. It's filled with assorted hot chicks, who party in here 24 hours a day. But you'd be more interested in the kitchen...
Wife: You know what? We're not going to need a sexy chicks room.
Realtor: Well, actually it's a Hot Chicks Room.
Wife: Well, whatever it is, we don't need it.
Husband: You said the same thing about the microwave, and we use that darned thing all the time.
Husband: So, a Hot Chicks Room, huh?
Realtor: Yes. The previous owner installed the room in the 80's, and I'll be honest with you, some of the chicks aren't all that hot anymore. However, they are replaceable.
(lull)
Realtor: So, you have children? Wonderful. My parents had children as well.
  • "Man, I'm just so tired of all these Star Wars..."
"The Power of Spitty Slurpy is all around us!"
"We'd rather have a gun in the outfield, than under a mattress where a child could get to it."
-Joe Auxillary, UCB Director of Health Services
  • “This is a urinal cake, not a real cake.”
  • “I made this bong out of a dildo I found. It's name is bonga-longa-dingdong”
  • "Well, Sgt. This whole operation is FUBAR!"
  • I paid the psychotonimists over $4,000 because they promised me they could cure me of being white. And after they brainwashed me into believing I was an African-American I moved to the ghetto and upon greeting my first African-American brother he beat me mercilessly. And all I said was, "Hey, my nigger."
  • "They didn't even get the lyrics to 'Screwing Cats Doggie Style'!"
  • "Humans rule, dolphins can suck it!"
  • "Captain Lunatic: I didn't fight a secret war in Nicaragua so you could walk the streets of freedom, badmouthing Lady America in your damn mirrored sunglasses!"

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