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- James Thurber: There are two kinds of light—the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
- Henry David Thoreau: Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson: Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
- Paul Gauguin: Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
- Jean Paul: A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward.
- Isaac Asimov: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- Tom Stoppard: It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting.
- Sir Francis Bacon: If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.
- Leo Tolstoy: Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
- Albert Einstein: A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hopes of reward after death.
- Rudyard Kipling: …he wrapped himself in quotations—as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of emperors.
- William Somerset Maugham: Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.
- Sir Francis Bacon: There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
- Aristotle: It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
- James Thurber: The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
- Seneca: I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good.
- Steven Wright: Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Doug Larson: Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
- Oscar Wilde: My own business always bores me to death. I prefer other people's.
- Mae West: His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- George Carlin: Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Woody Allen: The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.