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  • James Thurber: There are two kinds of light—the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
  • Henry David Thoreau: Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
  • Ralph Waldo Emerson: Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
  • Paul Gauguin: Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
  • Jean Paul: A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward.
  • Isaac Asimov: Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
  • Tom Stoppard: It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting.
  • Sir Francis Bacon: If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.
  • Leo Tolstoy: Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
  • Albert Einstein: A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hopes of reward after death.
  • Rudyard Kipling: …he wrapped himself in quotations—as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of emperors.
  • William Somerset Maugham: Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.
  • Sir Francis Bacon: There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
  • Aristotle: It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
  • James Thurber: The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
  • Seneca: I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good.

entertainingly profound

  • Steven Wright: Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  • Doug Larson: Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
  • Oscar Wilde: My own business always bores me to death. I prefer other people's.


  • Mae West: His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
  • George Carlin: Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  • Woody Allen: The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.