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Favorite Quotes

  • Fear not death for death is life, yet fear life for life is death. -Steven J. Barnes
  • I stepped in my dog's crap one day. It was in the left shoe of my favorite pair of shoes. I walked up to the dog and to him I said "If you needed to go, why didn't you bark?" The next day he woke me up at three a.m. so he could crap in the right shoe. He now belongs to my ex-girlfriend. -Steven J. Barnes
  • It is said that we should end all wars. Yet if we end war, then will we not overpopulate or get disease? Then it must be said we must not bother trying to change ourselves or the world, for in the long run niether will amount to anything. -Steven J. Barnes
  • Practice may make perfect, but perfection does not mean you don't need practice. -Steven J. Barnes
  • I am a man with no money, friends, family, or items. Yet I'm getting audited because The goverment thinks I cheated on my taxes. -Steven J. Barnes
  • They say it is wrong to judge people, and yet we all allow justice. - Steven J. Barnes
  • What is life? After many years of being asked this, I found an answer; A passage to death. Then People start asking my meaning. Unfortunately, I don't know myself. -Steven J. Barnes
  • If everyone loved everyone in the world. That would mean that everyone felt jealousy. Then war and weapons come. Then we're all dead. Yet if no one loved the same would happen. The only solution: If everyone cared. So don't complain about someone not loving you. Only complain if they do not care. -Steven J. Barnes
  • If there is life after death, and all life must become death, then doesn't that mean the after life is a constant repitition of death? -Steven J. Barnes
  • Tex: Alright, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.
Tucker: (very quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow.
Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.
  • Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up!
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe. (quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you got sisters, Bow Chicka- who are twins, Bow Wow!
Church: Shut up.
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Church: Shut up!
Tucker: Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow etc.
Church: (while Tucker is saying last) Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP!
  • [O'Malley is annoyed at the slow speed of the robots]
O'Malley: This isn't what I asked for.
Lopez: Dices des qué quieras esta día de victoria.
Caption: You said you wanted a day of victory.
Lopez: A este velocidad, va pasar veinte cuatro horas para ganar.
Caption: At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.