Varsity Blues (film)

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Varsity Blues is a 1999 film about a small town in Texas where high school football is a religion. The head coach is deified, as long as the team is winning and 17-year-old schoolboys carry the hopes of an entire community onto the gridiron every Friday night.

Directed by Brian Robbins. Written by W. Peter Iliff.
Make your own rules. taglines

Jonathon "Mox" Moxon[edit]

  • [to his father] I don't want your life!
  • Now if we go out there, and we half-ass it 'cause we're scared, all we're left with is an excuse; we're always gonna wonder. But if we go out there, and we give it absolutely everything - that's heroic. Let's be heroes.

Coach Bud Kilmer[edit]

  • [to Mox] You got to be the dumbest smart kid I know.
  • It makes me wonder if you know the different between a sneeze and a wet fart!
  • Never show weakness, the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.
  • The hard work of so many, sacrificed by the disrespect of few.
  • [to Mox] Your daddy was a no-talent pussy, but at least he listened!
  • Son, you are fucking up my universe. You're fat, you're all of a sudden you're lazy.

Charlie Tweeder[edit]

  • [Mooning Mox and Billy Bob through the truck window] Good moonin, Boys! Good moonin! I have been up since the crack of dawn and I had to ass you a question.
  • [singing] She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw.
  • [after stealing a cop car] I'm gonna go to jail!
  • Jonathan Moxon your are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your god damn clothes and get in the car.
  • Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!
  • Well we're all naked in there and we've got handcuffs and cool shit to play with so take off your clothes and get in the car.
  • Looks like she fell out of the I-wanna-suck-your-dick tree and hit every branch on the way down!

Billy Bob[edit]

  • It's a strip club, man. I'm here to work!
  • A 10... a 10... a fucking 10!
  • [staring at Miss Davis's breasts] Miss Davis, would you go to the prom with me?


  • Miss Davis: Now I want y'all to repeat after me: penis, penis, penis; vagina, vagina, vagina!
  • Sam Moxon: I raised you to be a winner, so dammit boy, win!
  • Sam Moxon: I'm really proud about Brown son, but I need to talk to you about Gilroy.


Billy Bob: I sure do love that dog.
Mox: I think it's a pig.
Billy Bob: Yeah.

Miss Davis: Can anyone tell me a common slang term for the male erection?
Student: Boner? Is boner one?
Miss Davis: Yes! Boner is good, boner is very good!

Mox: The male erection? Uh, pitchin' a tent, sportin' wood, icicle has formed, the march is on; stiff, stiffie, Mr. Mortis, Rigger Mortis has set in; uh, flesh rocket, Jack's magic beanstalk, tall Tommy, mushroom on a stick, Mr. Mushroom Head, purple-headed yogurt-slinger...and, uh, Pedro.
Miss Davis: Pedro?
Mox: Mmhmm.

Charlie: Will you listen to me? Women are all just panty droppers. You understand? That's it.
Mox: What?
Charlie: Listen. You give 'em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties fall off. This is nice. It's very nice.
Mox: [laughing] It's nice?
Charlie: It's nice.
Mox: Tweeder, you think you'll enjoy prison?
Charlie: [not paying attention] I don't know...What?

Charlie: Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?
[Tweeder dances]
Charlie: You know what it's called?
Mox: What?
Charlie: The new Tweeder end zone dance.

Mox: I'm a good boy. I've always been good. What's my upside to being good? [looks at a box of condoms] I'm 18 years old. It's not like I'm married to her. She invited me over. I'm just being polite, right Kyle? Kyle?
Kyle: I only answer to one name. Ali-Actabaor-Shabaz-Da.
Mox: That's a bunch of names.
Kyle: There is only one God. All praise and honor be to Allah.
Mox: Yeah. Well, would Allah nail Darcy if he had the chance? I think so.

Charlie: Say I'm stupid and I'm about to get hit in the nuts.
[Tweeder hits a 1980 graduate in the groin]
Billy Bob: That's funny.
Charlie: Ain't it funny? That's what I mean. See they need to change the name of the show to America's funniest shots in the nuts.

Police Officer: These kids, they're just running around wild these days. Them kids last night, they stole a cop car.
Bar Man: No.
Police Officer: Yes! Them boys been exposing themselves.
Bar Man: Exposing themselves?
Police Officer: Yes. They put them wieners on the glass at the Alano Club, while the ladies were rehearsing the Christmas pageant.
Bar Man: They put them wieners on the glass at the Alano Club?

Mo Moxon: Kyle, did you start a cult?
Kyle: Yup.
Mo Moxon: That is so sweet!

Darcy: Baby I got so excited thinking about next year and Florida state and the future, I think I need to be your wide receiver.
Lance: Here baby.
Darcy: Well not "here" here, but somewhere here.


  • Make your own rules.
  • In a town where winning is everything, these guys have nothing to lose.
  • It takes a hero to know what's worth winning.


External links[edit]

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