Amy: Mike, talk to me. I am in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche.
Amy: So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?
Dan: Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.
Gary: [about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.
Dan: It's a nice bag, Gary.
Amy: You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."
Dan: Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?
Gary: [still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?
Dan: Jesus fucking Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds. Oh, it's so easy.
Gary: Too quick, I didn't see it.
Dan: Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag.
Hallowes: Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.
Selina: I know.
Hallowes: I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.
Dan: [laughs] That's a good one.
Dan: I really admired your primaries campaign.
Selina: Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.
Dan: Two things I would have done differently.
Selina: Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?
Dan: I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.
Dan: You're the pro.
Selina: Okay. What do you think of Dan?
Amy: Oh, Dan is a shit.
Selina: You want to expand on that?
Amy: Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.
Selina: See, I—
Amy: 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.
Mike: Just a small change in the speech.
Selina: What is that?
Mike: Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.
Selina: This has been pencil-fucked completely?
Mike: Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.
Selina: That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.
Jonah: Uh, guys, a man is dead. When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.
Dan: Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.
Selina: Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?
Jonah: No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina fakes a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.
Selina: What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.
Gary: She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.
Amy: Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?
Mike: I'm still working on it, Amy.
Amy: Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.
Mike: Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?
Amy: Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?
Mike: Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.
Amy: And there it is.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize.
Dan: No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets.
Senator Hallowes: Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham?
Dan: I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture.
Senator Hallowes: Chuck is a gesture all right. [gives the middle finger] Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the fuck is Chuck Furnham?"
Amy: Hi, Sidney. How are you?
Sidney Purcell: Oh, you know, full of free shrimp.
Amy: Hey, here's the thing: Clean Jobs...
Sidney Purcell: Clean Jobs, yeah. What's going on there? You guys got a name yet? You too afraid of wrecking the Earth's resources to print up a press release?
Amy: I was actually gonna run a name by you...
Sidney Purcell: Don't say Chuck Furnham. [sees Amy's expression] Do not say Chuck Furnham! If you say Chuck Furnham, I will go into anaphylactic fucking shock.
Amy: I'm saying Chuck Furnham—
Sidney Purcell: FUCKING HELL!! Are you kidding me? Chuck Furnham, that's fucking official?!
Amy: Chuck is oil.
Sidney Purcell: No. No, no. Hey, I'm sorry, no. He's not oil. He's a fucking fossil but he's not oil. We need somebody who is plugged in. The only thing Chuck is plugged into is his fucking piss-bag.
Gary: You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.
Selina: Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."
Amy: People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.
Selina: Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.
Gary: [after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.
Selina: FYI, Gary, no shit.
Catherine: [about Jonah] You guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?
Jonah: I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!
Gary: What did you do?
Amy: You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.
Amy: 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.
Gary: Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.
Selina: I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.
Dan: I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was fuckin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.
Amy: Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.
Dan: Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.
Amy: Eh— I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.
Amy: You know, democracy is fantastic but it is also fucking dull.
Gary: Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?
Amy: No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.
Mike: You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?
Sue: Am I sure? [stares him down]
Mike: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.
Sue: I'm adding more clothes, Mike.
Selina: [after a secret service agent laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.
Selina: That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
Amy: I'll see to it.
Jonah: So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?
Dan: What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.
Jonah: [to the waiter] Where is the bread in this place, asshole? [to Dan] And you, you upstate New York dickshit-
Dan: Watch it.
Jonah: Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.
Sidney Purcell: I don't have any children. I have a niece and I fucking hate her.
Amy: How charming. I need to be getting home, so...
Sidney Purcell: You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a fucking disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.
Selina: "Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?
Amy: No. It means that even if a guy uses it...
Selina: ...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.
Gary: God, no.
Amy: You said you had thick skin.
Gary: Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?
Amy: No, Gary.
Gary: That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.
Mike: You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.
Dan: Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.
Selina: Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?
Dan & Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?
Selina: Who's gonna go first?
Mike: Ladies first.
Selina: So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.
Dan: Sure. This is class genocide.
Selina: This is this um, huh?
Dan: This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
Dan: Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.
Gary: Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?
Selina: Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...
Mike: My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...
Selina: All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.
Selina: Dan? Did your boyfriend know anything about this?
Dan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!
Selina: That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo!
Dan: I thought—
Selina: No, no! Let me be more clear: it doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS! Get out of my office.
Mike: Which way are you gonna vote?
Selina: The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.
Selina: Mike, this is not a story. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen? It's the secret service, for Christ's sake. Secret as in shut the fuck up. And service as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the fuck up? We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.
Gary: Selina's had a miscarriage.
Dan: Well, this is good for us.
Amy: Nicely done, Dandroid.
Mike: How is she?
Dan: Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.
Sue: That's deep space cold, Dan.
Mike: Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.
Jonah: [entering the office] White House is in the house. Everybody say way-o!
Selina: [turning away] The skyscraper of shit has arrived.
Amy: Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.
Selina: Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?
Amy: Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our fucking records? Full disclosure.
Selina: Are you serious?
Amy: Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.
Mike: Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.
Amy: So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.
Selina: Dan, what do you think about this?
Dan: I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.
Amy: Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to— God, I am so sorry.
Selina: Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?
Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.
Mike: The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.
Selina: Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?
Selina: So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.
Selina: I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. [Amy shakes her head] What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?
Amy: No, no, my— processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.
Selina: Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?
Amy: I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.
Selina: What do you mean?
Amy: Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un—
Selina: Doesn't like what?
Amy: He just doesn't— doesn't really—
Selina: Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.
Jonah: Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?
Amy: For what?
Jonah: Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."
Dan: Oh, that made it in there!
Jonah: Everybody knows this is me, guys.
Ted: Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call. The message was, "Please don't fucking call me again." So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherfucker?
Selina: Was that a journalist?
Selina: Oh, God! What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to fuck his mother!
Gary: The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.
Selina: I know.
Gary: We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.
Furlong: Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?
Dan: Actually, my name is Dan Egan.
Selina:[to Mike] Did you find out who the President's playing golf with? [off of Mike's expression] Golf! You know, men walking around with sticks, talking about their careers.
Mike: Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.
Selina: Are you kidding me?
Mike: Not great, admittedly.
Selina: "Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.
Selina: 'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66 percent disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.
Mike: How you feeling?
Selina: Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea: let's put me onstage.
Furlong: Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People—
Selina: I know how to give a motherfucking speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!
Larry: You know those dreams where your football coach is, like, screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and all your teeth fall out? That's like a Disney version of the Congressional Committee!
Ben Cafferty: [regarding Kent Davison] He's got ice in his semen.
Ben: You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow?
Ben: Yeah. My good friend POTUS? My Gamma Chi brother? He's gonna summon me to his office, he's gonna show me a sword, and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass!
Dan: [regarding Kent Davison] The Pol Pot of pie charts! Wow, that guy is ruthless!
Sue: Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. [pause] Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.
Selina: Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the fucking Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.
Furlong: Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.
Statistician 1: You're like Neo.
Selina: What's a Neo?
Statistician 1: He's from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.
Statistician 2: The first movie. The sequels sucked.
Jonah: Guys, we agreed to let The Matrix debate lie.
Dan: Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
Amy: [to her sister] You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should've been "No."
Selina: [to Statistician 1] You take your eyebrows, and you get out!
Ben: [briefing Selina] Some U.S. backpackers tried to smoke a doobie with the wrong dudes and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan. Uzebekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan. There's a map on page 376.
Selina: [very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.
Gary: Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
Selina: I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.
Selina: [on the phone with her ex-husband] No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? [quietly to Amy] With any luck.
Selina: [to Jonah] You know what, why don't you put on your running shoes and get to the fuckin' point, Jonah?
Selina: Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?
Amy: I wouldn't presume they took turns.
Selina: Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?
Selina: We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
Sue: Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
Selina: Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.
Amy: He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
Mike: Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
Selina: That's a good one, Mike!
Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Jonah: POTUS wants me to monitor "U.S.Hey!" as kinda my pet project!
Selina: Oh, for fuck's sakes...
Mike: This must the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to choloroform.
Jonah: Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.
Mike: Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain. What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?
Amy: Christ, it's everywhere.
Dan: Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...
Dan: Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.
Amy: It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.
Dan: That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.
Amy: She talks about "the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression."
Amy: We have to issue a statement.
Dan: All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.
Amy: No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.
Jonah: Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.
Selina: Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.
Furlong: You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants. How's that for a fucking metaphor?
Will: That's a simile, sir.
Furlong: Shut your mouth, you fat girl.
Random Guy: I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.
Random Guy: Awesome. I have a Google alert set up for your name.
Random Guy: Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the Post about the hostage situation?
Dan: Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?
Random Guy: Yeah.
Dan: Yeah, I got to do some fucking weights. This is for rubber idiots.
Kent: All I do is provide POTUS with the polls. Cold numbers.
Ben: God, I hate numbers. I mean there's cultures that don't even have any numbers, and they do just fine!
Kent: I cook these noodles every day.
Jonah: Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Kent glares] I will leave.
Kent: They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like...a lady's hair in the rain.
Amy: Why are we talking about noodles?
Ben: No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?
Kent: I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.
Amy: So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?
Kent: Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until... [snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]
Ben: ...You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.
Ben: [to Selina] Remind me, you said what? Your response needs to be what?
Ben: "Robust." [to SecDef Maddox] And you said?
SecDef Maddox: "Aggressive."
Ben: You see the problem?
Selina: No, I don't.
Ben: They're different words! Yeah, and saying different words means what? It means, we're not on the same...
Selina: Oh! I thought you were gonna say "diet," Ben! I don't like your tone.
SecDef Maddox: And I don't have to answer to you, Ben. Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.
Ben: Yeah, perhaps not. But we all work for the President.
Selina: Oh, where is the Great and Powerful Oz, by the way??
Ben: Listen, we all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President but there is. So, we work around that. And we do that by sticking to the same fucking words.
SecDef Maddox: And it's your job to coordinate that, maestro!
Ben: That's right. So from now on the words are "calculated response."
Selina: "Calculated?" That sounds so...
SecDef Maddox: ...calculated?
Selina: Pussy-ass! That's what I was gonna say.
Selina: [to Cliff, the substitute Sue] Move everything off of the 6th for me, you can clear that. [walks into her office]
Cliff: Yes, ma'am. The only thing I need to move is the Senator Swearing-in Ceremony, so we're good.
Selina: [slowly walks back out of her office] ...What?
Cliff: The, uh, Senator Swearing-in Ceremony?
Selina: You said that everything was moveable, and that's not moveable. That's immoveable.
Cliff: Surely nothing is immoveable.
Selina: [turns to Amy] Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken!
Amy: The Senator Swearing-in Ceremony is set in stone. She's the President of the Senate. She swears in all newly elected senators.
Selina: Right? You get that? You understand it? Do you need to Google it??
Cliff: [grinning nervously] No, no, ma'am, I understand.
Selina: I don't think you do understand, because you are grinning. Why are you grinning?
Cliff: I'm not grinning.
Selina: You are grinning! You have made a fuck-up the size of France, and you are fucking grinning about it!
Cliff: I'm trying not to, I'm not sure why my face is doing this.
Gary: Hey, ma'am? How would you like, like, a nice little almond croissant?
Selina: Oh yeah, I would love that.
Gary: Okay, okay! [heads for the door]
Selina: Can you make it a big one? You know, so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me outta here?
Mike: That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.
Kent: You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.
Mike: [to Dan] You still pissed you can't get in with Kent? Nobody can, he's half-robot, half... robot. He's a robot.
Jonah: [about Selina's song50 Ways to Win in Denver] I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it, and I actually really liked it.
Dan: [to Gary] There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.
Rahim: I got you a glass of champagne.
Selina: Thank you, Rahim. You drink alcohol?
Rahim: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Oh, you Iranians are full of surprises.
Dan: What's the whole not-drinking thing?
Ed Webster: I'm a Quaker.
Dan: Bullshit! No one's a fucking Quaker.
Jonah: You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.
Ed: Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.
Selina: Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.
Ben: Because he's a mess, alright. He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.
Selina: I took the heat for the spy. Don't I get any credit for that at all?
Ben: Yeah, so now we've got the judiciary committee subpoenaing us senseless, and on top of that, we got a rumour going around that says there's a challenger inside the party.
Selina: What? Who?
Ben: I dunno. One of Gaddafi's sons? They're polling better, so thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?
Selina: Ah, that's lovely. Is this what it's going to be like for the next two years?
Dan: I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.
Amy: Ma'am. Uh, how are you?
Selina: Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.
Amy: But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?
Selina: I'm not doing that thing. Seriously, screw all those people. God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on D.C.
Selina: Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine fucking that guy?
Jonah: There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?
Amy: Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.
Ben: Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush to my hemorrhoids.
Gary: These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.
Selina: Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."
Dan: Come on.
Selina: He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.
Ben: Yeah, of course you do, Jonah. You don't get the complexity. You're the world's biggest single-cell organism.
Selina: All I'm saying is that there are going to be difficult choices to make, you know? Like Sophie's Choice choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.
Selina: [handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.
Gary: Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."
Selina: I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.
Dan: You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."
Gary: Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...
Selina: No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.
Dan: No matter how dumb they are.
Guy in boat: Hey, I voted for you!
Selina: Thank you very much, sir! But I’m afraid you have to go to prison!
Dan: We need to pick a number.
Selina: No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.
Dan: I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a fucking t-shirt? Come on! [long awkward pause] I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.
Selina: Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you. Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?
Dan: Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.
Kent: Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.
Selina: Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.
Selina: I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?
Ben: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Right. But they do not own me!
Ben: They really don't, ma'am.
Selina: No, they don't!
Catherine: Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
Selina: Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.
Catherine: Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.
Gary: [holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.
Selina: You know what "trim" is?
Selina: It's twat.
Melissa: Nature is very important to Clovis. Here is some.
Selina: Well how do take care of the roots?
Melissa: Oh, these are synthetic.
Amy: You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever they are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
Melissa: We have a saying here at Clovis: "dare to fail".
Selina: Well that's a job well done.
Selina: I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.
Kent: Well, in a way they are.
Selina: No, they're not!
Kent: Okay, I take your point.
Selina: I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I've got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I'll tell you something else: if you're over 30, check it out. [indicates an elderly cleaner nearby] That's where you're headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?
Joe Thornhill: [on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
Selina: [to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?
Ben: Got my vote.
Mike: You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.
Dan: [on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.
Mike: Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"?
Amy: I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.
Ben: I need a stiff fucking drink. In related news, Ray's talking.
Mike: Oh, God! To smart people?
Ben: He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat try and use an ATM.
Kent: [on phone] Amy, the emu has landed. Jonah's in London.
Amy: Shit. Maddox must've sent him here to spy or something. Jonah Bond, 00-Fuck-Off.
Ray: Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?
Mike: This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their mourners."
Ray: How about this? "There's a whole lot of guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys."
Ben: Holy fucking Christ. What is that, Ray?
Robb: Right, so unelected... loony has the ear and minge of the Vice President and he says that fat people——no, fat kids, fat kiddies have sinned in a past life!
Jonah: Yeah. Do you know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? All of America is fat people, that's all we have! All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds!
Robb: Well we've got fat kids here—well I've got a fat kid, I don't see her very often but that's er, she's um... Right, we'll ambush the Vice President, we'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils.
Robb: [nonchalantly] Yeah.
Jonah: Oh, my God! You guys are fucking brutal!
Robb: This calls for a celebration. Come on, I'll get you the first pint at least.
Ray: It's called cosmic balance. It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.
Ben: Yeah? Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.
Ray: I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?
Kent: People are disturbed by your role—
Ray: Yeah, they think folks that are physical can't be cerebral, they think those two things are separate, that they're not... symbiotic.
Kent: No, no, no. You don't understand.
Ray: No, I do! I do. Look, people think that, you know, the fitness guy, how can he know about politics? I get you, Kent.
Kent: [groans in frustration] Again, I don't think you do. People think Selina's judgement is bad if she listens to people like you, whose beliefs are very stupid.
Ray: Because I am people.
Kent: Oh, you're not getting it.
Ray: You know, the brain is a muscle.
Kent: No, it isn't!
Kent: You really don't get it, so I'm going to keep this very simple: you're fired.
Ray: I get you. Very simple.
Kent: Yes, it is.
Ray: Great. I'm so pleased we had this talk. Let's see where we all are in a month or so.
Kent: [astounded] This is amazing.
Ray: Thank you.
Selina: What a fucking misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?
Mike: Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.
Mike: I know, right?
Selina: I should just go back out there. Did you see that?
Mike: Yeah, I saw.
Selina: Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?
Gary: Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.
Selina: No, they don't.
Selina: Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.
Selina: Let's get the merry old fuck out of merry old England. Okay, I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. Okay, just more carefully, though, please.
Jonah: Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings—that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh... tiny child balls?
Amy: [on Thornhill] Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.
Dan: Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.
Ben: Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn State.
Dan: Amy, I gotta say, you're doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better that I do me.
Amy: You do yourself a lot.
Amy: Uh, ma'am? Quincy Carter, the editor of the New Hampshire Globe, is here to speak with you.
Selina: Oh God, that Dickensian shit-stick?
Mike: [regarding Selina's new campaign "platform"] She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.
Selina: [regarding Quincy Carter] Oh my God, I cannot stand that affected butt-plug. If I could lift the fuckin' crate I'd beat him to death with it.
Jonah: I screwed up, Mom. I should've never joined Maddox. Now he's finished, and I've come home to die.
Jonah's mom: Well, can your DC friends help?
Jonah: I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back so I can hear them.
Mike: [trying to unlock a cellphone] It's password protected. Hang on. 0-0-0-1... 0-0-0-2... 0-0-0-3...
Selina: You cannot be serious.
Selina: Well, there's just... there's just no way out of this. I mean, you know, not for a sitting Vice President... who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire. You know what V.P. stands for? It stands for "victory perma-fucked." I don't deserve this. You know? Goddammit. I don't, but you do. Because you are all losers! Every motherfuckin' one of you! [pointing to Amy and Gary] Loser! Loser!
Dan: [to a reporter] You're asking a rhetorical question, and the answer's obviously No.
Selina: What? Are you okay?
Kent: Kind of, in a way. And also not. And, in a third way, both.
Selina: What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war?
Kent: Ma'am, we're America, we're always at war.
Jonah: Someone has just flown two planes into my career.
Kent: The First Lady isn't in a good place.
Selina: Oh. Hospital.
Kent: Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.
Kent: At any rate... he's gonna resign.
Selina: Uh-uh. [beat] What?
Kent: Ma'am, you're about to become the 45th President of the United States. It's not a dress-rehersal, not a drill. You are going to be the president.
Sue: The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Sue: You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Ben: Goodbye, China.
Amy: Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.
Selina: Those fuckers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?
Selina: God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.
Amy: The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...
Selina: I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
Selina: Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
Ben: Don't ask me that.
Selina: But I am asking you that.
Ben: It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it.
Selina: No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?
Selina: So guess what? I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning! I need you! [pause] Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ: if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.
Dan: You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
Ben: [looking around] I never said that.
Dan: Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
Ben: No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn’t telling you what I told you. [points to Dan] The fuck stops here, Dan.
Sue: We have to schedule calls for the UK Prime Minister, for China, and for the Vatican.
Selina: It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing.
Jonah: Dan! What the fuck is this?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Jonah: You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Dan: Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.
Jonah: I publicly denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.
Dan: Ooh, wow.
Jonah: There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
Dan: The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?
Jonah: No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.
Dab: Oh wow, that is tough.
Jonah: I want a new deal. I want to get closer to the action. I'm like a boom-op on a porno shoot right now!
Dan: I'm sorry, man, but I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the President. Security risk.
Selina: I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? [All agree] Any fuck-up from now on is not just a fuck-up, it's my legacy. Got it?! No fuck-ups!
Selina: Can we say that it was just an error?
Dan: No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.
Ben: Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone] Yes, I am still here.
Sue: Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.
Selina: No, stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.
Sue: Got it.
Dan: Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
Jonah: What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Dan: Is there a choice?
Jonah: I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
Dan: Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?
Jonah: Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
Dan: No. That, that's impossible.
Jonah: Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a go-fer, a servant.
Dan: Oh, you want a Jonah?
Jonah: Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.
Dan: [looking at phone] Shit! I gotta go.
Jonah: You know what? They should be called Dans.
[re: Airforce One]
Mike: Isn't this plane amazing?
Ben: Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?
Selina: Hey, where is this photo op, Amy?
Amy: It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
Gary: I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the President. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?
Amy: All the other ones have.
Mike: It's good we won Dixville Notch.
Dan: It's got a population of 12, Mike.
Mike: I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Gary: Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
Ben: Well, he didn't win New Hampshire, either.
Amy: Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.
Selina: I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.
Furlong: It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!
Amy: The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!
Mike: And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!
Furlong: You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses, and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!
Ben: Hey, Dobby the House Elf. We've had enough. Just get out.
Furlong: Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!
Selina: This speech was supposed to perfectly define my presidency. [...] Whole cities of children were gonna be saved from poverty. Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal... giant... dildos!
Kent: That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.
Catherine: [grabbing Kent's pages of polling statistics] Let me see that!
Kent: It's not that you're unlikeable, it's just that there's a perception... that you are unlikable.
Catherine: They hate me!
Kent: I wouldn't say "hate", you just... polarize opinion, with the bulk of it gravitating to this poll here. [indicates on the page]
Catherine: This is like high school all over again!
Kent: Yeah, kind of, but much bigger!
Bill Ericsson: What is Gary doing? Trying to max out America?
Ben: Wow. Who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium.
Patty: Okay, I will not hear a single bad word said about my friend Gary, but yeah! Yeah, he is out of control!
Ben: Did you see the cost of the dinner?
Bill Ericsson: This'll sting us; make us look decadent and remote.
Ben: Said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.
Selina: Who do you think you are? Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady, because I don't remember marrying you, Gary! I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls! I think I'd remember that!
Gary: Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting, and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand—
Selina: Oh, shut up! Just shut up! You are unimportant! And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield!
Gary: That is not true, ma'am.
Selina: You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh, my God, you are not a big shot here, Gary! You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers! God!
Ben: I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.
Dan: No. No, this is not—this is not real.
Ben: No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.
Dan: So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.
Ben: You're not fired.
Dan: Oh, thank fuck for that.
Ben: Because you've just resigned.
Kent: It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.
Dan: No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!
Ben: You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs!!
Kent: I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.
Catherine: Being the First Daughter is a big responsibility.
Catherine: But I'm happy to serve my country, and to help out my mom.
Selina: That's very good, yes.
Catherine: I love you, Mom.
Selina: Oh, no, honey. You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling. It's so easy. It's like, "I love you, Mom."
Catherine: I love you, Mom!
Selina: Well, not like that.
Selina: Karen, what do you think of Pierce?
Karen: Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, so we just need to weigh out the pros and cons.
Amy: Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working! "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits, and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!" That's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent; you have none! You are just a blah-blah-blah-blah bitch!
Selina: Okay, Amy, that is enough.
Amy: I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. But no more! You have made it impossible to do this job. You have two settings—no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America. You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone.
Selina: [as Amy walks to the door] Well, I guess she's finished with her little... [Amy walks back to her] Oh, nope, look at that, there's more.
Amy: You have achieved nothing apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked. Goodbye, ma'am.
Tom James: What a great convention! Best one in four years.
Kent: [re: the intruder] I had not anticipated this; this, I had not anticipated.
Ben: Well that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.
Kent: Ben, Tom James has just said the shooter is a victim too; PTSD.
Ben: Oh, my God! Calamity James! And that's just off the top of my head!
Kent: Well, what do I do?
Ben: Just get him off, you fucking mannequin!
Tom James: [after hearing about the data leak] Y'know, I could kick over chairs and scream "How in the risen fuck did this happen?" What's the point? It's done. I say we move on. Together, the Magnificent Seven!
Dan: You know at least three of these kids are probably mine.
Congressman Moyes: [to Richard and Jonah] So you're the best the White House has to offer? Two giant children in their Dads' suits?
Selina: I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.
Tom: I dunno what this is about.
Ben: Good point. Dan and Amy; they're being paid cash from the campaign fund to bring down the bill! There, you've been blooded, so, join the circle jerk, grab a dick.
Tom James: EVERYONE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLES!!! The president is not sick! You guys are! You're parasites, you're like an infestation of mediocrity! [to Bill Ericsson] I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster, [to Mike] you're a Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin, [to Kent] and Nazi Doctor! [to Gary] I don't even know what the fuck you are! This is not about serving yourselves, this is about serving the president. So lets do that shall we?
Selina: Tom... I do the team talks, okay?
Tom James: You're absolutely right, ma'am.
Selina: And I agree with everything you just said, so get it together, people!
Dan: You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.
Jonah: Dan, I'm not getting a ticket, okay? That's the sort of thing that comes back to bite you when you run for office.
Dan: Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.
Jonah: Okay, new rule in the cube: if your name begins with "D," you need to shut the fuck up immediately!
Richard: I'm fine because my name begins with an "R."
Ben: It's a matter of public record that Dan Egan was fired because of his relation to the data breach. I mean, you could have Googled that.
Mr. Rakes: That's not my question. Was he responsible?
Ben: Well, Washington needed a sacrifice. So we all ran and got out our pitchforks, and we set fire to the Wicker Dan.
Mrs. Brewer: Okay, so why did he deserve to go if he was innocent?
Ben: You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens. I mean, life is chaotic. And it's often unfair. I know it is for me. Dan Egan deserved to go. So, he went.
Mr. Rakes: So Jonah Ryan wasn't sent here to defend the bill to deliberately undermine it?
Ben: No. No. Read my luscious lips: no.
Ms. Bennett: Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled "the Jonad Files?"
Dan: Uh, no. No, ma'am.
Amy: No. That doesn't ring a bell.
Ms. Bennett: So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad?"
Dan: Not to my knowledge.
Jonah: I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.
Mr. Rakes: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.
Dan: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.
Mr. Rakes: Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection—"
Jonah: Do we have to go through all of these?
Mr. Wallace: I'm not sure that I see the relevance.
Mr. Rakes: The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.
Mr. Wallace: Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.
Mr. Rakes: "The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca."
Jonah: My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.
Selina: I have to go. I have to call the President of Africa, so—I mean South Africa, specifically.
Tom James: Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.
Bill Ericsson: Where is Congresswoman Bennett?
Mrs Brewer: She is absent.
Bill Ericsson: Yes, I got that. I took Noticing in high school!
Mr. Rakes: Can you tell us who was responsible for the data breach, Mr. Cafferty?
Mr. Rakes: But you do know who was responsible?
Mrs Brewer: Can you tell us anything at all about said data breach?
Mr Rakes: Are you gonna continue to answer every question with a one-word answer, Mr. Cafferty?
Kent: Yeah... Vermont and Connecticut, yup, they're for us.
Gary: Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!
Selina: Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.
Selina: Oh, Gary! I asked a friend to come and be with me tonight.
Gary: How nice!
Selina: Yeah, Karen.
Tom James: What happens when there's— when there's a tie?
Ben: Everybody goes online to try to find out what happens when we get a tie.
Selina: Jesus Christ, you know? You do your best, you try to serve the people, and then they just fuck you over.
Selina: And you know why? Because they're ignorant, and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.
Selina: Where's Tom?
Karen: Oh, uh, he's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.
Selina: The fuck he has!
Amy: Why would you let him do that?
Karen: Well you don't work here.
Ben: Neither do you!
Selina: Alright. Fuck all of you, I'm going to the rally.
[everyone starts to protest]
Kent: Ma'am, that would be unprecedented.
Selina: No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent: a tie is unprecedented! So's becoming the first lady president! So's that jack-off becoming president through the back-door! Okay, the rulebook's been torn up now, AND AMERICA IS WIPING IT'S NASTY ASS WITH IT!!!
Selina: [about Tom James] That fucking guy, with his fucking charm, and his fucking son, in his fucking wheelchair, with his spine all fucked up!
Selina: Can I really blame another country for something they didn’t do?
Ben: It’s been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War.
Kent: Actually, ma'am... I'm sorry I'm late... I think I may have found something. The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the means.
Selina: Christ, Kent, know your audience.
Kent: I think that there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada.
Kent: I do not know.
Selina: How many?
Kent: I do not know.
Selina: Are you sure?
Amy: Never heard back from you. Late night?
Dan: Sophie told you?
Amy: What? No. Gross.
Dan: You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.
Amy: [laughs] Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.
Kent: [on the news coverage of a salmonella outbreak] The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?
Ben: Or how to cook a fucking turkey?
Tom James: Any news on Sherman?
Dan: CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.
Jeff: I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...
Ben: Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!
Jeff: Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.
Kent: Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.
Ben: We have a list of vetted names here.
Jeff: Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.
Kent: Excuse me?
Jeff: You don't give me names, Beardo,I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!
Ben: So who's your choice?
Jeff: You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.
Kent: Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!
Jeff: Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.
Ben: Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.
Jeff: We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.
Ben: So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?
Jeff:[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.
Jeff Kane: Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...
Jonah: Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?
Jeff: No, I want you to run.
Jonah: You want me to run his campaign?
Jeff: No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. [Shocked, Jonah backs up] Joni?
Jonah: Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!
Jeff: This is just for one term here, Jonah. You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.
Jonah: Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.
Jeff: Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.
Jonah: Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.
Jeff: Can I talk to you down here just a minute?
Jonah: [leaning forward] Yeah.
Jeff: Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I let you dance, and when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage! Now, do you or do you not understand me?!
Ben: Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.
Selina: Why not?
Ben: 'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.
Kent: AIDS, for example.
Ben: Thanks, Kent's autism.
Dan: From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells that are too busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.
Selina: What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?
Ben: I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.
Jeff: Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.
Mike: Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, y'know, her condition...
Selina: What? She's a lesbian, Mike, she's not a werewolf. Though either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.
Jeff: [to Richard] You and I should talk. If you were 10% less black, I could make you president.
Selina: How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell; I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours. Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome, boy scout crap of yours, I know exactly who you are.
Tom James: Oh, you do.
Selina: Yes, I do.
Tom James: Oh, so I don't have to explain that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency on a bunch of half-assed decisions...
Tom James: ...and, by the way, by messing around with that pretty-boy Charlie Baird, for God's sake!
Selina: What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?
Tom James: I...I don't know, he's got nothing to do with it. What is he...
Selina: You're such a liar! You're such a liar! Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?
Tom James: Because I happen to believe in something called public service.
Selina: Oh, bullshit!
Tom James: Okay, well then, I've got no...
Selina: I'll tell you why! Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency and to me. You wanted it so bad, you could taste it.
Tom James: This is unbelievable. Please...
Selina: You are lying now just like you lied back then, just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes!
Tom James: Oh...well, now I got no idea what you're talking about.
Selina: You know exactly what I'm talking about. You remembered the green shoes that night, but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me? Come on. Come on! No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.
Tom James: Well, you got me. I'm gay. So...
Selina: Just admit it! Just say the truth for once in your life. Come on, Tom. You wanted to fuck me that night, just say it!
Tom James: Will you stop it?!
Selina: Just say you wanted to fuck my brains out!
Tom James: Alright, I wanted to fuck your brains out!
Selina: There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight!
Mike: Any chance Catherine and Marjorie want to get married? There you go, first White House lesbian wedding. That'll put you in the history books.
Selina: Oh God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.
Dan: God, my phone is blowing up with these TV offers. Think I might need an agent. You know, someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level.
Amy: Too bad Goebbels killed himself.
Jonah: Oh, also, we got to get some eye candy in here. You know, hire some hot interns.
Richard: Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire. One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin.
Jonah: No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for "it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes."
Tom James: Vice President, take it or leave it.
Selina: I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.
Tom James: That's a "leave it."
Gary: You fuckers. How dare you. That magnificent woman was counting on you, and you losers let her down!
Dan: [into his phone] Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back; something amazing is happening.
Gary: All you fucking cared about was your stupid bad selves! [to Kent] Your numbers? Your numbers are garbage! [to Mike, who is discreetly filming Gary's eruption on his phone] Your speeches? Garbage![to Ben] Oh, and you're supposed to give her advice?! Is that right?! Because all I heard was dumb, stupid, I don't know what the fuck it was!
Tom James: Gary...
Gary: Oh, shut up! You screwed her the worst, in all the ways! [laughs] Oh, I know! I know you make fun of me! And I know that you think that I'm funny, and I'm funny ha-ha-ha! Well at least I cared! I did my job!! I fucking cared!!!
[Gary walks out of the room; everyone is silent, in shock over his outburst]
Ben: Well, that just kinda made this whole year worth it.
Furlong: You realize the whole goddamned Rayburn house office can hear you and your twink army in here cock-scraping each others' esophagi?!
Gary: How is an ex-president's ex moving back in with her going to go over in small town America?
Selina: Unlike small town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.
Kent: In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant table, food, and tie will be the same for every date to establish a control. The girl will be different.
Ben: Jesus, Kent! He's just gotta go to a laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, little chit chat, couple, three drinks, standard HJ in the cab home, and a year later he's a father. Why do you make it so goddamn complicated?
Jonah: You know, one time I tried hitting on a girl in a laundromat. For someone with broken English, she was real uppity.
Kent: There's your answer.
Ben: Carry on.
[Selina has caught Andrew cheating on her]
Selina: I just can't believe fell for it. Again!
Amy: Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus, or an unwanted child.
Selina: Well, in this case, he gave me both.
Buddy: I can't believe I spent the night in jail!
Amy: It's a piddling DUI. In Nevada, that's practically a resume-builder. There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag, right next to the guy beating his wife.
Gary: I promise this party is gonna be so elegant.
Imogene: Very New South.
Selina: What does that mean? No butt-fucking Ned Beatty until the after party?
Catherine: We should get going. We're actually doing a "Herstorical" tour of great female Southern writers.
Marjorie: And where they killed themselves.
Mohammed Al Jaffar: I am sorry for how I behaved, but everything is different now that my father has died of colon cancer, praise be to Allah. Plus, our family's got a new imam who's just a lot more chill. I mean, I could engage in homosexual acts with the entire writing staff of Charlie Hebdo, and nobody would say boo.
Jonah: [reading Selina's book] Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here! I ruined her administration, like, four times - you'd think that'd count for something!
Amy: Leon West has Mike's diary.
Mike: Amy, you promised!
Selina: Mike, what have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?
Mike: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. I should have gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't want to lock myself out.
Selina: How long have you known about this?
Amy: Since Alabama, but, to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.
Mike: We did, ma'am.
Selina: Oh really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
Selina: My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard, and I have to make America think I was just giving her a ride home.
Jeff: Hello, Jonie.
Jonah: Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.
Jeff: Now, why do you think I'm here?
Jonah: To wish me a speedy recovery?
Jeff: No. Wishes belong at the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children. Actually, I'm here to thank you...
Jonah: Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.
Jef: ...for shitting the urinal so badly, you made the Hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.
Jonah: Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown--
Jeff:SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You epileptic Picasso painting!
Shawnee: Uh, you can't talk to him like that!
Jeff: [immitating Shawnee] "Uh, you can't talk to him like that!" Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Someone you hired to make sure you don't get erections?
Jonah: That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.
Jonah: Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect!
Jeff: Tanz? As in Sherman Tanz?
Shawnee: That's right. He's my father.
Jeff: Oh, royalty. Well, then, I guess I should say I'm sorry...
Shawnee: Thank you.
Jeff: ...sorry that you're even related to that human melted candle who puts the "Jew" in "Why people hate Jews". Tell me this, did he sell your training bras as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons? Listen here, Ms. Tranz, as of today, Jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder DeVincentis, so I am pulling this Creature From The Jizz Lagoon right off the New Hampshire Congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra
Jeff: Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-headed pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body! The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.
Ben: [to Selina on her first day as VP] Ma'am, you need to understand that the president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman - which you're doing a pretty okay job at.
Furlong: Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in D.C. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for Oliver!.
Mohammed Al Jaffar: OK, so Lou wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil. You leave Friday.
Selina: That's so funny, because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong.
Gary: It's Kismet.
Selina: I know, it really is, isn't it?
Gary: No, her name is Kismet.
Amy: Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library. You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop, and I think I actually came.
Selina: Is everything always ice cream with you?
Amy: Just say the word, ma'am, and I will...
Selina: Amy, Amy. I leaked it to Leon.
Amy: Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?
Selina: Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.
[Selina opens the door to reveal her entire old team assembled in the living room]
Amy: You're... you're running again?!
Mike: The band is getting back together again!
Selina: Who cc'd Mike?
Mike: [laughing] I get it, I'm Ringo.
Dan: We need champagne!
Ben: No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.
Amy: How is this even possible?
Selina: Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.
Amy: And what about Montez?
Ben: She's a Mexican who stole your job.
Selina: She did, in fact, steal my job.
Ben: Her numbers are under agua.
Amy: I can't believe this.
Selina: We're back! [to Amy] I do need to talk to you about your role. And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.