Victor/Victoria

Victor/Victoria is a 1982 movie about a starving opera singer who becomes a female impersonator and becomes the toast of Paris.

Directed and written by Blake Edwards, adapted from the 1933 film Viktor und Viktoria.

Victoria

So, I'm a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman.
You know, pretending to be a man does have its disadvantages.

Toddy

[looking at a glass of White Wine] The last time I saw a specimen like this they had to shoot the horse.
God, there've been times I'd have given my soul to be able to cry like that.
There's nothing more inconvenient than an old queen with a head cold.
I know what you're thinking... and you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
[to the dancers on stage after they drop him] You bitches.
You were marvelous! And I never want to see any of you again!
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, you're most kind. In fact, you're every kind.
Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists in order to exploit the human race.

Norma

You can't think about it, you just gotta put it out of your mind! The more you think about it, the more you worry. The more you worry, the more you think. [eating chocolates] Think, worry, worry, think... mm! too soft... It just gets like a vicious cycle! And then, before you know it, you are impudent! [King walks out of the bathroom, holding a bar of soap] What's with the soap?
Thinks he can just push me around! Thinks I'm just gonna hop on the next boat for the States and that'll be that! Well, you've got another thing coming Mr. Big-shot Fairy Marchand! 'Cause Mrs. Cassidy's little goirl Norma ain't gonna take this one lyin' down! [Norma boards the train and walks all the way down the corridor, raving to herself. She gets out on the balcony of the last car] And don't kid yourself! You ain't seen the last of me yet! [She opens her coat to reveal her underclothes. A boarding passenger, distracted by this, falls off the platform behind the train] Oh, you okay?
[Victoria, in her disguise, pulls Norma into the bedroom and starts taking off her clothes] Oh, now wait a minute...WAIT!!!!! [whispers] Lock the door!
You two-timing son of a bitch! He's a woman!

Dialogue

Victoria: In spite of what you think, Monsieur Labisse, there are professions where practice *does* make perfect. [she hits a high note, causing Labisse's wine glass to shatter, and leaves angrily]

Labisse: What in hell was that?

Toddy: B flat.

Hotel Manager: You promised to pay me on Tuesday, then on Wednesday, then on Thursday...

Victoria: [pointing at his bib] What's that?

Hotel Manager: What?

[Victoria runs a finger over a food stain and tastes it]

Victoria: Spaghetti?

Hotel Manager: Uh, yes, with meatballs.

Victoria: I'll sleep with you for a meatball.

Hotel Manager: You would?

Victoria: Oh, missed your chance. [faints]

Labisse: If you ever come back, I will have you thrown out.

Toddy: Don't make it sound like such a threat. Being thrown out of a place like this is significantly better than being thrown out of a leper colony.

Victoria: The bourguignon was just a little tough.

Waiter: Maybe the way you are eating your jaws are getting tired.

Toddy: Speaking of overworked jaws, why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical and fetch me a wine list?

Victoria: [holding up her wine glass] This is all they have.

Toddy: This? The last time I saw a specimen like this, they had to shoot the horse!

Waiter: How lucky can you get? In one evening a Rockefeller... and a Groucho Marx.

Toddy: Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it.

Waiter: I shall think of a sharp retort while I am getting your roast chicken.

Toddy: It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.

Waiter: And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's arse.

Toddy: You know it's very strange. At the club I thought you were just about at the end of your rope.

Victoria: Oh, I was. I am! This is the first decent meal I've had in almost four days.

Toddy: And you can't pay for it?

Victoria: Caseé!

Toddy: And you want me to have dinner with you?

Victoria: I want you to have the best damn dinner you ever had. Have two! I started off with the roast chicken and I segued to boeuf bourguignon, it's anybody's guess what I could end up with.

Toddy: Oh, I'd guess about thirty days.

Victoria: If all goes well, I expect to leave here poor, but sated. I have a [lowers voice to a whisper] a bug in my purse. At the appropriate moment it goes in my salad.

Toddy: It'll never work.

Victoria: A bug in my salad?

Toddy: In a place like this, it would be an event if there wasn't a bug in your salad.

Victoria: What about a... cockroach?

Toddy: A cockroach!

Victoria: Shhh! Bigger than your thumb!

Toddy: Ew, God!

Victoria: Men have Adam's apples.

Toddy: So do some women.

Victoria: Name one.

Toddy: Nana Lanu.

Victoria: Nana Lanu, who's she?

Toddy: The last woman I slept with.

Victoria: When was that?

Toddy: The night before the morning I decided to become a homosexual.

Norma: I just love Frenchmen.

Toddy: Oh, so do I!

Norma: I think that the right woman could reform you.

Toddy: You know, I think that the right woman could reform you, too.

Norma: [laughs]Me? Give up men? Forget it!

Toddy: You took the words right out of my mouth.

Norma: [about Squash] You know, I know he's supposed to protect you, but does he have to stay in the same suite with us? I mean I just keep expecting him to break in while we're, uh... while we're making love.

King: He'd only do that if he heard something unusual. Like if I got excited!

[Norma is trying to attack King after he washed her mouth out with soap]

King: You and your ideas! "Why don't you take her to Paris with you, Boss?"

Squash: I just thought she'd help you relax!

King: NEVER help me relax!

Squash: Then send her home!

King: Why don't you ever come up with a really good idea?

Squash: For instance?

King: YOU send her home!

King: I don't care if you are a man. [kisses Victoria]

Victoria: I...I'm not a man.

King: I still don't care. [Victora kisses him right back]

Squash: In one fell swoop you've changed my whole life.

King: It wasn't that kind of a swoop.

Squash: Listen, if a guy like you can have the guts to admit that he's gay ... then so can I.

[kisses King]

Squash: You've made me very happy!

[King and Squash are working out at the gym]

King: Hey, Squash...

Squash: Yeah?

King: Can I ask you a... personal question?

Squash: Go ahead.

King: How long, I mean... exactly when did you know you...

Squash: How long have I been gay?

King: Yeah.

Squash: Oh, God, I can't remember when I wasn't!

King: I've known you for fifteen years...

Squash: You know a lot of guys, boss, you'd be surprised.

King: But, you were all-American! I never saw a rougher, tougher, meaner, son-of-a-bitch football player in all my life.

Squash: Boss, if you didn't want the guys to call you queer, you became a rough, tough, son-of-a-bitch football player.

King: [suddenly colliding with a large man and his companion] Why don't you watch where you're going, huh?

Companion: [after translating in French] He says that it was your fault and suggests that you apologize.

King: Oh, he does, does he?

Squash: Come on, boss...

King: No, no, no... [to the companion] Well, you tell him if he'd like an apology, he can just get him some gloves and I'll see him in the ring.

Companion: [translating] Just give him ten minutes. He will be delighted to oblige.

[they walk off]

King: "He'll be delighted to oblige." Who the hell does he think he is?

Squash: Guy Langois, the French middleweight boxing champion. [King freezes] But don't worry! [whispers] He's gay.

Charles Bovin: You called. I am Charles Bovin, Private Investigator.

Labisse: Good. There is something I want you to find out.

Charles Bovin: At your service. [sits on one of the bar stools]

Labisse: Be very careful.

Charles Bovin: Monsieur, I am always careful.

Labisse: That stool is broken.

Charles Bovin: It is?

[stool breaks down]

Police Inspector: You idiot! That's a man!

Labisse: It can't be!

Police Inspector: The person in that room was naked from the waist down, and if that was a woman, then she is wearing the greatest disguise I have ever seen!