WKRP in Cincinnati
Opening theme song
Baby, if you've ever wondered;
Wondered whatever became of me.
I'm living on the air in Cincinnati.
Got kind of tired of packin' and unpackin',
Town to town,
Up and down the dial.
Maybe you and me
Were never meant to be.
Just maybe think of me
Once in a while.
I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati.
Pilot (1) [1.1]
- Herb: Morning, Jennifer.
- Jennifer: Morning, Herb.
- Herb: Any calls?
- Jennifer: No.
- Herb: Messages?
- Jennifer: Nope.
- Herb: Mail?
- Jennifer: None.
- Herb: Okay, how about lunch?
- Jennifer: No lunch either.
- Herb: Dinner?
- Jennifer: Busy.
- Herb: Okay, how about later, my place?
- Jennifer: You're married, Herb.
- Herb: Oh, yeah.
- Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny... Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burning up in here! WHOA! WHOO! We ALL in critical condition, babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, 'cause I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your 50,000-watt intensive CARE unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears REAL wide and say, "Give it to me straight, doctor. I can take it!" I almost forgot, fellow babies: BOOGER!
Pilot (2) [1.2]
- Andy: I have only been in this town for two weeks. I'm living in an apartment that doesn't have any furniture. I've been fighting with your mother. I've been fighting with-with-with Les. I've been fighting with Herb. I don't even know where my laundry is, sir.
- Mr. Carlson: Oh, settle down.
- Andy: Frankly, sir, I'm...I'm just as tired of all this as you are.
- Mr. Carlson: Yeah. Heh. Well, I guess so. Listen, for whatever it's worth, I don't know where my laundry is either.
- [Jennifer's radio is playing gentle classical music]
- Mr. Carlson: Hey, is that us?
- Jennifer: No, this is us. [changes stations]
- Johnny: Hang onto your brains, fellow babies. This is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!
Les On a Ledge [1.3]
- Herb: Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.
- Les: Thanks, Herb.
- Les: In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument.
Hoodlum Rock [1.4]
- Mr. Carlson: Who's she?
- Jennifer: Bailey Quarters.
- Mr. Carlson: She work here?
- Jennifer: Uh-huh.
- Mr. Carlson: I like her.
- Jennifer: I know. You say that every time you meet her.
- Mr. Carlson: I do?
- Herb: Boy, where have you been?
- Jennifer: Out with other men, Herb... letting them have their way with me.
- Johnny: Right now I'd like to describe some of the incredible action that's going on down here. A man we believe might be a customer has just come from freshening up, and it looks like he's... leaving. No, wait a minute, he's paused there; maybe he's going to chat with Del Murdock, personable owner of Del's Stereo and Sound... yes, he is. Maybe he's going to buy something, and he's...no, no, he's pulled out a gun...uh, for any policemen who might be listening, apparently we're being held up here at Del's Stereo and Sound...
- Del: I've been checking around. I don't see how you guys can do these commercials so cheap.
- Johnny: Oh, you'll understand when you see the response you get.
Bailey's Show [1.6]
- Dr. Monroe: My, uh, studies establish without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane. And more than a little immature!
- Johnny: And that's bad?
- Dr. Monroe: Well, sure.
- Johnny: Well, so what should we do about it?
- Dr. Monroe: Round the little guttersnipes up.
- Johnny: So, tell me, Doctor. Wh-where did you receive your degree?
- Dr. Monroe: In Long Beach, California, Doctor.
- Johnny: Long Beach State College.
- Dr. Monroe: Oh, ho-ho. No, no, no, no. From a man at the Casa de Soma Apartments.
- Bailey: Jennifer, if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna cry.
- Jennifer: Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.
- Bailey: Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.
- Jennifer: That's the way men do it.
Turkeys Away [1.7]
- Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From ... W ... K ... R ... P!! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight. The ‘copter seems to be circling the parking area now, I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of the helicopter! It's, uh, a dark object. Perhaps a skydiver. Plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air. A second, a third! No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is just terrible! The crowd is running around pushing each other! Oh, my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Honestly, folks I don't know how much longer... the crowd is running for their lives.
- [The radio transmission cuts off.]
- Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les, isn't there... Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. Uh, for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.
- Mr. Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
Love Returns [1.8]
- Les: This is news, Sternworthy.
- Howard Sernworthy: Which makes it all the more surprising that you're here.
Mama's Review [1.9]
- Jennifer: Mr. Carlson, I have to go to lunch now.
- Mr. Carlson: O-Okay, fine.
- Mrs. Carlson: Uh, Jennifer. Who answers the phone when you're at lunch?
- Jennifer: Usually I just leave it off the hook.
- Mrs. Carlson: You think that's wise?
- Jennifer: I don't know. It was Mr. Carlson's idea.
- Mr. Carlson: Every time my mother comes for one of these little quarterly reviews, she always leaves with a piece of me in her purse.
A Date With Jennifer [1.10]
- Bailey: What's he (Les) like on a date?
- Jennifer: Very gallant. Later, he took me to this intimate little place, and I had a martini and Les had a hot chocolate. Then he took me home.
- Bailey: Oh. Did he, uh... go up to your apartment?
- Jennifer: Well, I invited him. But on the way up the stairs, his knees sort of gave out. But he took a rain check.
The Contest Nobody Could Win [1.11]
- Venus: You never went to college.
- Johnny: Hey man, I went through Princeton!
- Venus: I'll bet.
- Johnny: I did. It was in a car. A squad car, actually. Very, very educational.
- Jennifer: Mr. Carlson.
- Mr. Carlson: What?
- Jennifer: You're being childish about this.
- Mr. Carlson: I am not. Boy, is this gonna make my momma mad.
- Johnny: [Horrified] Look, man, I've been in jail in Mexico. My father called me what's-his-face for seventeen horrifying years. My second wife tried to kill me with a Ronco Veg-o-Matic! My mother and I were in a tornado once. We were in a mobile home, and I think God must really hate mobile homes, Andy, 'cause tornadoes always attack them first. They get very mobile.
- Herb: [reading] "What to do in case of an enemy attack in Cincinnati." Who's going to attack us, Dayton?
- Les: Maybe.
- Herb: Well, if they come down here, we'll kick their butts.
Goodbye, Johnny (1) [1.13]
- Andy: Mr. Carlson, we have got big trouble.
- Mr. Carlson: Uh-oh, Mother's on her way!
- Andy: It is not Mama. It is worse than Mama.
- Mr. Carlson: Worse? What could be worse than Mama?
- Bailey: I...I just wanted to say...um, thanks, Johnny! When I first came to WKRP, I didn't know a thing about radio stations, and I guess I was just a little shy back then... [sighs] but...you took the time to show me the ropes, and you gave me the kind of confidence I needed. You're a real friend, Johnny, and I wish you wouldn't go. When I think of WKRP, I...I think of you, and I guess I always will.
- Mr. Carlson: Is it working?...Is he going to stay?
Johnny Comes Back (2) [1.14]
- Mr. Carlson: [panicked] I got a monkey on my foot!
- Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, shape up 'cause it's time for your morning checkup. The Doctor is on duty. I have just returned from personally supervising an extensive research project involving West Coast vegetable worship cults, and the cure is here, babies. That's right. Doctor Johnny Fever is back and I am on call every morning on WKRP in Cincinnati!
Never Leave Me, Lucille [1.15]
- Herb: Dip?
- Venus: None for me, thanks.
- Les: Do you have any chips?
- Herb: What do you want, the world?
I Want to Keep My Baby [1.16]
- Venus: Time to get the funk out your face, Cincinnati!
- Johnny: The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it's time for this message.
- Commercial: Wouldn't a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would!
- Johnny: Sure it would.
A Commercial Break [1.17]
- Herb: Now listen, these are the copy points you have to work into the jingle, ok? A: 'All weather floral arrangements'...
- Venus: What does that mean?
- Johnny: Uh, that's plastic flowers.
- Herb: ...B: 'Maintenance free artificial turf'....
- Johnny: Plastic grass....
- Herb: ...C: 'They accept all major credit cards'.
- Johnny: That would be your plastic money.
- Herb: Commission City! Open your pearly gates to Herb Tarlek and say...
- Jennifer: [Suddenly opening the door] There's a dead man in the lobby!
Who is Gordon Sims? [1.18]
- Les: Bailey, you're his friend. What do you really know about Venus?
- Bailey: You promise not to tell?
- Les: I swear.
- Bailey: Well, uh... you're gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh... I think he's black.
- Venus: This is WKRP in Cincinnati, with more music and Les Nessman.
I Do, I Do... For Now [1.19]
- Herb: I had a horrible dream last night.
- Everyone else: Awww!
- Herb: Yeah. I dreamt that John and Jennifer really were married. There were all these little kids running around, and they all had on sweatshirts and dark glasses and three-day beards. And they all started chasing me. All the little Johnnys caught me and tied me up, and I started screaming for help, and then all the little Jennifers just ignored me! And then they grabbed my white belt and just started beating me!
Young Master Carlson [1.20]
- Andy: You interested in radio?
- Little Arthur: Oh, kinda.
- Johnny: It's probably because he knows that the first thing you do when you overthrow a government is seize control of the radio station.
- [Les pays Little Arthur to learn what Mrs. Carlson says about him]
- Little Arthur: She says that you're obtuse.
- Les Nessman: Ooh!
- Herb: [reading dictionary] Adultery... Admire...
- Les: Let me see that.
- [snatches dictionary away from Herb]
- Les: Obtuse...
- Herb: [snatching dictionary back from Les] Addle-minded!
- Les: [snatching back the dictionary] Obtuse!
- Herb: [Herb attempts to snatch the dictionary back from Les, but Les slams Herb's hand in the book] Addle-ow!
- Bailey: [entering] Hi, guys.
- Herb: Oh. Hi, Bailey. Met Carlson's son?
- Bailey: Yes. I've had the pleasure.
- Herb: Well, he's quite a kid. Let me tell you. [under breath to Little Arthur] Tell your dad I said that.
- Les: [excited] Obtuse! According to Websters, exceeding ninety degrees but less than one-hundred eighty degrees; lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility; rounded at the free end; dull. [looks and feels offended] That's an insult!
- Bailey: Les, take it easy.
- Les: Take it easy?
- Herb: Yeah. Just calm down, okay?
- Les: Don't tell me to calm down. I just paid five dollars to find out I'm "rounded at the free end"!
- Bailey: Cool off, Les.
- Herb: He's just mad because he's not addle-minded.
- Les: I am too.
- Herb: No. You're not.
- Les: [Herb and Less start hitting each other] Yes. I am.
- Herb: No. You're not.
- Les: Yes. I am!
- Herb: You're not!
- Bailey: You guys! You are both addle-minded!
- Les: Thank you, Bailey.
- Bailey: You're welcome, Les.
Fish Story [1.21]
- Johnny: All right, fellow babies. That was the Doors, and this is sort of Johnny Fever, kind of Doctor. And after [slurs] nine drinks, Venus Flytrap is catatonic, and I myself have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby.
- Officer: He is obviously drunk, ladies and gentlemen.
- Johnny: Yes, he is, and I'm not feeling badly myself.
- Officer: You have obviously built up a super-human tolerance to alcohol.
- Johnny: Yes, it's true. It was once sort of a hobby.
- Venus: Andy, Little Ed weighs about 300 pounds.
- Andy: He does?
- Venus: That's right.
- Andy: Why do they call him Little Ed?
- Venus: Because his wife is Big Ed.
- Johnny: The Doctor is not feelin' too good today. The Doctor was a bad boy last night. The Doctor overmedicated!
For Love or Money (1) [2.01]
For Love or Money (2) [2.02]
- Johnny: [to Buffy] So you put poison in the brandy. That's very Medieval of you.
- Les: Bailey, you'll lead us in a team prayer.
- Bailey: Why me?
- Les: Because you're the most wholesome.
- Johnny: Greetings, fellow teammates! Say, where is center field?
Bad Risk [2.04]
- Mr. Hopkins: [on Herb] I will not be taught how to live by a man in a white belt!
- Herb: You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.
- Mr. Hopkins: Les, your friend is a twit.
Jennifer Falls in Love [2.05]
- Steel: I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?
- Les: [pauses] Les.
Carlson For President [2.06]
- Jennifer: Mr. Carlson isn't even mentioned (in the polls).
- Herb: Perfect! If people don't know you, they won't dislke you. If you show yourself too much then you come off looking like a jerk. At least that's been my experience."
- Les: The secret is to appear to answer all the questions, when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.
- [Les hands Herb a card with a question written on it]
- Herb: Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"
- Les: Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex, flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.
- Mr. Carlson: Listen, Venus, how do things look in the black community?
- Venus: Oh, same old thing. Big lush lawns, manicured hedges. Living's easy. Fish are jumpin', cotton oh 'bout so high... Daddy's rich. I suppose you don't wanna hear about my momma, huh?
Mike Fright [2.07]
- Johnny: You just talk into the mike and your voice goes out through the wires, and once a week, whether you need it or not, somebody comes in here and gives you a check for $38.
- Bailey: Don't you ever get scared, you know, like, get stage fright?
- Johnny: Well, I'll tell you a secret, Bailey. If you ever find yourself on the air, and you feel a little nervous, just imagine that you're speaking to one specific person. Which in fact is probably the case here.
- Bailey: Just pretend you're talking to one person. A friend. Me.
- Johnny: Okay.
- Bailey: That's how you told me to do it. Now you do it.
- Johnny: Okay, I'll give it a try.
- Bailey: Just talk to me.
- Johnny: This is, uh, your Doctor speaking. Hello, and good afternoon, Cincinnati. I sure would like to take you home and kiss you all over in the dark.
Patter of Little Feet [2.08]
- Johnny: [on sex frequency per week statistic] 2.96? I wonder how they do the, uh, .96 part.
- Bailey: That is just an average, Johnny.
- Johnny: Well, it should average out to three. Somebody's not doing something right!
- Mr. Carlson: How many times have you said to yourself, "if I knew then what I know now"? Well, by golly, this is the new then. Now, I mean. Because I know now what I didn't used to know then. As a manner of speaking, you could say that I know now what I know now.
Baby, If You've Ever Wondered [2.09]
- Andy: Everything I could've done to fix this station, I didn't do. Now is that right or what?
- Venus: How could you have fixed this station?
- Andy: For starters: first thing I should've done was get rid of Herb. The worst sales manager in the world. The worst. And Les? Oh, Les. When the Shah of Iran was overthrown, he missed it completely. His lead story for the day was about a hog that could do addition and subtraction.
- Venus: Aw, come on, man, you're not going anywhere, you know that. You've chosen to be here, my man. Yeah. You gave up an opportunity to be boy wonder of American radio to be the head guard at the nut farm.
- Andy: That's ridiculous.
- Venus: Oh, yeah? Think about it.
- Andy: Ah, Venus. Well, man, I do like it here. I like it here better than any place I've ever worked. Let me ask you a question. Am I the guard or one of the nuts?
- Venus: I think you're a guard. On the way to becoming a nut.
Bailey's Big Break [2.10]
- Andy: There are thousands of stations in this country with women on the air.
- Les: As disk jockeys, yes. But this is news, Travis, news - important stuff.
- Andy: What about Barbara Walters?
- Les: I 'west' my case.
- Les: Now about the format. Whenever possible I always try to lead with the hog futures, particularly in the morning.
- Bailey: Why?
- Les: Because, Bailey, that's what people are interested in.
- Bailey: Yeah, but what if a really big story is breaking?
- Les: Well, that's when you have to use your news judgment. There will always be exceptions. For instance, when President Richard Milhous Nixon resigned, I led the news with that story. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.
Jennifer's Home For Christmas [2.11]
- Johnny: [about being alone on Christmas] Do you know how hard it is to find a 2 lb. turkey?
- Johnny: [after playing Christmas music] I don't get it either, babies, but somebody out there likes it. So we'll just keep shoveling through the seasonal syrup. Not too much left of this season of good cheer and bad music.
- Sparky: So, Derek, how does your team look?
- Derek Doogle: Uh, mostly Venezuelan.
- Mr. Carlson: Well, let's hear it.
- Les: Well, we were all right here, just as we are now, discussing this new show with Sparky, except you didn't look like yourself, Mr. Carlson. You looked more like a large... muffin.
- Jennifer: Muffin?
- Les: Yes, a nice breakfast muffin. And you said that you had an exciting announcement.
- Mr. Carlson: Well?
- Les: Well, you sang it. [Singing] "I'm a big fat muffin that loves to eat, a big fat muffin that has no feet. But most of all, I'm a big fat muffin that loves to explode." And then you did.
God Talks To Johnny [2.13]
- Johnny: Do you believe in a supreme being?
- Bailey: Wow! Uh, I think so.
- Johnny: What's he like?
- Bailey: Well, first of all she's black—that was a joke. An old joke, but a good one.
A Family Affair [2.14]
- Johnny: Bigotry started a long time ago. Nobody knows where. I think the French started it.
- Venus: [about racism] We've cut down the tree, but the roots run pretty deep.
Herb's Dad [2.15]
- Johnny: Any signs of senility?
- Herb Sr.: It's all around, Venus.
- Venus: I'm Venus.
- Herb Sr.: Then who's he?
- Venus: That's Johnny.
- Herb Sr.: The black guy?
- Venus: No, I'm the black guy.
- Herb Sr.: Oh, excuse me.
- Herb Sr.: You know, my son speaks about you all the time.
- Bailey: He does?
- Herb Sr.: No, he doesn't, but he should. My son is a little bit of a jerk.
Put Up Or Shut Up [2.16]
- Venus: [on Herb's suit] Somewhere there's a Volkswagen without seat covers.
- Jennifer: Why Herb, this is a really fine French wine!
- Herb: Is it? Well, I told the guy to give me the best he's got in the store without going over fourteen bucks.
The Americanization of Ivan [2.17]
- Andy: Damn, I like this cloak and dagger stuff! Carrying a Russian across Ohio in the dead of night, and you're telling me my life ain't workin' out?
- Les: If there's one thing this reporter knows about, it's two things: A, hogs, and B, Russians.
Les's Groupie [2.18]
- Jennifer: You're Les' fiancée?
- Darlene: Mm hmm.
- Jennifer: Uh huh. Does Les know about this?
- Les: [Mrs. Nedelman] doesn't like for me to have lady guests.
- Darlene: It must be terrible to have such an awful landlady living right next door!
- Les: Oh, she's not my landlady, she's my tenant. I own this duplex.
- Darlene: Rather than put an old lady, or even a dog, out in the street, you just take it. What a man you are, Les Nessman.
In Concert [2.19]
The Doctor's Daughter [2.20]
- Andy: [to Johnny] We've got a playlist. You should play the list. We've gotta play some Top 40 hits, don't we? Why, sure we do. Yet you have yet to play a single hit off the playlist all week. Play the playlist. Play a part of the playlist! Play one song off the playlist! Play a part of one of the songs off the playlist! Well, it's so nice to see we've established a dialogue here. There you go, you want to talk about this, I'll be in my office playing with a loaded revolver.
- Johnny: [after Andy's pressure to play a Top 40 song] Okay, babies, we've got time for just one Top 40 hit, so let's check out the Captain and Tenille. Uh-oh, no more time. Maybe tomorrow!
Filthy Pictures (1) [2.21]
Filthy Pictures (2) [2.22]
Venus Rising [2.23]
- Venus: [on getting older] I took a look at my wardrobe, and I asked myself, "does a grown man dress like this?"
Most Improved Station [2.24]
The Airplane Show [3.01]
- Les: Travis, the very first day you came to this station you promised to get me a helicopter.
- Andy: I know I did, Les, but that was a long time ago and I was lying.
- Les: Everybody around here thinks I'm crazy! Fortunately, you know better than that.
- Jennifer: [silence]
- Les: Fortunately, you know better than that.
Jennifer Moves [3.02]
- Herb: Unless someone comes out here right now and helps me with this piano, I'm never ever going to speak to any of you again for as long as I live!
- Les: [about Jennifer's house] My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.
- Jennifer: Really?
- Les: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.
Real Families [3.03]
- Lucille: We only allow the children to watch wholesome, family entertainment.
- TV Hostess: Like what?
- Lucille: Well, the Little House on the Prairie. Now that's a fine, wholesome show. It's about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.
- Johnny: In the first place, Herb's name isn't Tarlek, it's Nietzsche. He's directly related to the famous nihilist philosopher. See, he came to America to prove through the use of polyester that God is dead, and I think he's succeeded admirably, don't you?
The Baby [3.04]
- Guard in lobby: Where'd you get a jacket like that? I mean, do they sell them somewhere?
- Herb: Of course, they sell them somewhere.
- Guard in lobby: Where?
- Herb: Yeah. I tell you, you tell somebody else, pretty soon the whole world is dressing like me.
Hotel Oceanview [3.05]
- Les: And so, in summary, this German piggy went to the common market. This Chinese piggy stayed home. This Soviet piggy had turkey. Our American piggy had none. This is Les Nessman saying wee wee wee all the way home.
- Nikki: I know what you're thinking, Herb. You're thinking God didn't make me this way. Well, God didn't make polyester either. You know what I'm saying, Herb?
- Herb: I know what you're saying, I have no idea what it means.
A Mile in My Shoes [3.06]
- Jennifer: So there we are standing at my front door, and he says, "Jennifer, some women would feel obligated after flying to New Orleans on a private jet and a moonlight dinner on a Mississippi riverboat, but I prefer a challenge. Someone who's interested in me, and not my money."
- Bailey: What'd you do?
- Jennifer: Well, I wished him luck, kissed him on his bald spot and wheeled him to his car.
- Johnny: You used to be a good disk jockey, man. 'Course, that was when you were black.
- Venus: You want to be Acting Program Director? You want to argue about something you don't care about with someone you agree with?
- Johnny: Do you understand what you just said?
- Venus: Not a word.
Bah, Humbug [3.07]
- Johnny's Ghost: Bailey runs a television station in Chicago. Travis is breeding guard dogs in New Mexico. Venus owns a clothing company called "Upwardly Mobile." Jennifer married and bought herself an entire island off the coast of Sardinia. Les Nessman? The Republican whip of the United States Senate!
- Mr. Carlson: What about you and me? Fever and me?
- Johnny's Ghost: Well, Fever just sort of ... disappeared. There were rumors, of course, but really not much else.
- Mr. Carlson: And me? No no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. I'm dead, aren't I?
- Mr. Carlson: I can't wake up...
- Grandfather Carlson: I know.
- Mr. Carlson: Scrooge could wake up!
- Grandfather Carlson: Scrooge didn't eat one of Johnny's brownies.
Baby, It's Cold Inside [3.08]
- Andy: Heat, there's no heat!
- Johnny: No kidding there's no heat! It's because Mr. Carlson's mother is here. She walks in, everything freezes. She is the Ice Queen! She has powers beyond any mortal woman!
- Herb: Mother Carlson, how nice to see you, what a lovely surprise!
- Mrs. Carlson: Down, boy.
- Herb: Yes, ma'am.
The Painting [3.09]
Frog Story [3.11]
Venus and the Man [3.12]
- Venus: I think there are only two things anybody cares about in this world. One, survival, and two, conquest.
- Arnold: What about sex?
- Venus: That's part of survival.
[Venus explains the Atom]
- Venus: There are three gangs on the street, right?
- Arnold: Yeah, yeah, three gangs.
- Venus: And this... [points to a blank wall] ...this right here is the territory. Now here is the neighborhood. [draws a big circle] You got that?
- Arnold: Yeah.
- Venus: And right in the middle of this neighborhood is a gang called the "new boys". [draws a small capital N in the center].
- Arnold: Yeah. The "new boys". Good name.
- Venus: OK. [points to the outer circle] Out here on the outside of the neighborhood, on the edge of the neighborhood, is another gang. You know these are real negative dudes, really negative. Right?
- Arnold: Right, right.
- Venus: Now they call themselves the "elected ones". [draws a small capital E on the circle at about 1 o'clock].
- Arnold: All right, the "elected ones".
- Venus: You got that? Really negative. They don't like nothing. [Runs his hand around the circle several times and draws another concentric circle outside it]. Now they're all the time out here circling around the neighborhood, just circling, you know? Checking out the "new boys". [Taps the N in the center]. Now the "new boys" see this, and they figure something is wrong here. [runs his hand between the N and E several times] So, they make a deal with another, another gang. A gang of very happy go lucky guys. They call themselves the "pros". The "pros". [draws a small capital P next to the N in the center]. Now the "pros" are very positive cats. They've got all the good looking women, right?
- Arnold: Yeah!
- Venus: Right. [laughs] See now, the "pros" and "elected ones", here's what they think - they hate each other. So much so that they keep the same number of members in the gang just in case. You dig?
- Arnold: Right.
- Venus: So, if I've got ten "elected ones", how many "pros" do I have?
- Arnold: Ten.
- Venus: All right. Now how many gangs do I have?
- Arnold: Three.
- Venus: Name them.
- Arnold: The "new boys", "elected ones" and the "pros".
- Venus: All right. [Points to the circle]. Who's here?
- Arnold: The "elected ones".
- Venus: All right. Now, what are they? Negative?
- Arnold: Yeah, negative.
- Venus: All right. Now who is positive?
- Arnold: The "pros", and you're running out of time.
- Venus: All right. You see right here? [points to the P and N area] The "pros" and the "new boys", they call their hangout the "nucleus". [draws a small circle around the P and N] Yeah. Now, see? That's a real tough word. It's Latin. But I think it's Swahili and it means center.
- Arnold: Yeah. What is it?
- Venus: It's "nucleus". Say it!
- Arnold: Nucleus. Is that really African?
- Venus: Say it!
- Arnold: Nucleus.
- Venus: You got it?
- Arnold: Yeah.
- Venus: All right. Give you another Swahili word. It's, ah, it's tron. It means dude.
- Arnold: Yeah, tron. Dude.
- Venus: All these gangs like that name so well that they all decide to use it. For instance, the "pros" right here in the middle start calling themselves the "protons". And the "new boys", well, they start calling themselves the "neutrons". And out here on the edge here, the elected ones, they start calling themselves the "elect..."?
- Arnold: The "electrons". The "protons" and the "neutrons".
- Venus: Yeah. [circling his hand over the empty area between the center and outer circles]. And all this right here... this is the neighborhood. This is block after block of nothing. You understand block after block of nothing, don't you?
- Arnold: Yeah, yeah, I know all about that and your time is up, professor DJ.
- Venus: [dusting his hands and walking away from the wall] Good. I was finished anyway. Now you go on back to school, man.
- Arnold: School? Man, all I know about is a bunch of damn gangs that live in a round neighborhood.
- Venus: Arnold! That's the atom! That's it, man! That's it. [points to the center and starts rapid fire questions again] What's this right here?
- Arnold: Protons and neutrons.
- Venus: [points to the little circle] And they call this the what?
- Arnold: Nucleus.
- Venus: [points to the E] All right, what are these guys up here?
- Arnold: "Electrons."
- Venus: Are they positive or negative?
- Arnold: Negative.
- Venus: And how do they move?
- Arnold: Round and round.
- Venus: And if I've got two of them, how many protons do I have? [points to the center]
- Arnold: Two.
- Venus: Now, are protons positive or negative?
- Arnold: Positive.
- Venus: [points to the empty area] All right. And what's all this right here?
- Arnold: Ah, that's the neighborhood.
- Venus: Which is?
- Arnold: Nothing.
- Venus: You've got it, man. You get an A.
Dr. Fever and Mr. Tide (1) [3.13]
- Johnny: Need I remind you that I have two growing ex-wives to support?
Dr. Fever and Mr. Tide (2) [3.14]
- Kid: Why don't you shut up and play the Village People?
- Johnny: Jam it, pizza face.
Ask Jennifer [3.15]
I Am Woman [3.16]
- Herb: She threatened to set the whole city on fire by setting matches to my suit.
- Bailey: Herb, did you order those petitions?
- Herb: No. What do you think of that?
- Bailey: Andy, do you have any matches?
Secrets of Dayton Heights [3.17]
- Berwick: It's your radical affiliations, Mr. Nessman.
- Andy: What radical affiliations?
- Les: Well, I am a member of the Hoedown Square-Dancing Club.
Out to Lunch [3.18]
- Herb: [drunk] And that's why I say with the proper military backing, we can go anywhere in the world and say, "We are Americans! Give us your girls!"
- Herb: Suppose I were to tell you that I've been having serious troubles at home?
- Andy: Is that true?
- Herb: No. But if it were true, my behavior would be acceptable, right?
- Andy: Well, maybe, Herb, but that's not the point.
- Herb: Sure, it's the point! Acceptable behavior. I mean, why is it okay for certain people to come floating in here on God knows what, but if I have one little drink --
- Andy: I don't care what people's hobbies are, but I do care when it starts to affect their work, and I don't care who they are, if they start blowing it.
- Herb: So what do you want?
- Andy: I want you to shape up.
- Herb: So what's new, Travis?
A Simple Little Wedding [3.19]
- [Herb, Bailey and Jennifer are playing Monopoly, and Herb is bankrupt.]
- Bailey: Well, we could play Strip Monopoly. You could give us your coat, Herb!
- Herb: Huh?
- Jennifer: That's fine. I'll take the coat.
- Bailey: Guess which item of apparel comes next?
- Jennifer: Whoo!
- Herb: Is this what women's liberation is all about? Humiliation?
- Bailey: No. We just heard you had great legs.
- Herb: [smiles and starts to unbutton his coat] Who told you?
- Bailey: Les.
- [Herb stops unbuttoning his coat and exits quickly.]
- Herb: I'm telling you, without that "Greenhouse effect," we'd all freeze to death.
- Les: Not so!
- Herb: Les, it would be one hundred degrees below zero at night!
Nothing To Fear But... [3.20]
- Les: Somebody must have jimmied the lock!
- Johnny: [looking where Les's walls would be] Jimmied it? I think they took the whole door!
- Les: Johnny, my space has been violated!
- Johnny: Congratulations! It's about time.
Till Debt Do Us Part [3.21]
- Venus: [to Andy] If you're not back in four hours, I'm going all Christmas music! Think about it, I mean it!
Clean Up Radio Everywhere [3.22]
- Les: In a situation like this, I always ask myself, what would my hero Edward R. Murrow think? And I think that Ed would think that this was censorship. Then I think about what my other hero, General George Patton, would think, and I think George would think that radio and television ought to be cleaned up, and if he were alive today, he'd take two armored cavalry divisions into Hollywood and knock all those liberal pinheads into the Pacific! So as you can see, I'm a very confused man. And when I get confused, I watch TV. Television is never confusing. It's all so simple somehow.
- Andy: Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.
- Mr. Carlson: Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.
- Johnny: They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church, playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "there's a naughty word!"
An Explosive Affair (1) [4.01]
- Andy: We have a responsibility to our listeners!
- Johnny: Right! If I die, who's gonna teach the children about Bo Diddley?
- Johnny: Well?
- Venus: Well what?
- Johnny: Well, go back in there and get the albums.
- Venus: Need I remind you that the police are going to search every inch of this station, including your desk drawer?
- Johnny: I'll go get those albums.
An Explosive Affair (2) [4.02]
- Johnny: [after hearing the sirens] It's the phone cops. They know what I did here today.
- Venus: What are you talking about?
- Johnny: They're coming to get me, man!
- Venus: That's paranoia, man!
- Johnny: Wake up, sucker, this is the phone company we're talking about! They see everything, they know everything, they got their own covert police force! I'm probably wired for sound right now! I gotta get out of here!
- Venus: Johnny!
- Johnny: Don't use my name!!
- Les: Johnny! Venus! You're alive!
- Johnny: The newsman's eye. You just can't fool it.
- Les: Well, that's wonderful.
- Venus: Gee thanks, Les.
- Les: Of course, I'll have to update my story. How'd you like it, Andy?
- Andy: How'd I like what, Les?
- Les: My four o'clock news report. Didn't you listen?
- Andy: Les, the transmitter blew up!
- Les: Of course! That was my lead!
- Johnny: You led off the newscast by telling them that we're off the air?
- Les: No. But I can include that in my update.
The Union [4.03]
- Jennifer: I already belong to a union. It's a quasi-religious group called the International Sisterhood of Blond Receptionists. There are only twelve members in the world. We meet once every two years in Switzerland. If I told you our minimum salary you'd have a heart attack and die. Bye.
- Johnny: WKRP, with your generous help and support, has now climbed to 10th place in the Cincinnati market! If I sound emotional about this, it's because I can still hear my father saying: "Son, no matter what you decide to do in this life, always try to come in 10th." I think we've done it here, Dad!
- Bailey: [to Herb] Continuity is so important. Thank you for always being a jerk.
- Andy: You're paranoid.
- Johnny: Hey, Travis, when everybody is out to get you, paranoid is just good thinking!
Straight From the Heart [4.05]
- Bailey: [in jail] You don't think they're going to fingerprint us, do you? "Bailey Quarters, Summa Cum Laude Ohio State, Sex Pervert!"
Who's On First? [4.06]
- Mr. Carlson: Jennifer, in a little while when I'm happy again because we've made a sale, remind me what's been said about me and by whom. A certain little salesman I know is going to suffer.
Three Days of the Condo [4.07]
- Jennifer: Johnny Fever has come into a great deal of money.
- Mr. Carlson: That soft drink machine break again?
Jennifer and the Will [4.08]
- Les: What is an executrix?
- Herb: I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that.
- Herb: Hey, Jenny, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I am that that Colonel guy bought the farm. Hey, he had a long life, a lot of dough, he got to go out with you, caught the big bus while he was eating in the best joint in town. Not bad, if you ask me!
- Jennifer: [Smiling] Sometimes I really like you, Herb. You really have a way with words.
- Herb: Hey. I'm in sales!
The Consultant [4.09]
- Mr. Carlson: Next week I'll just take a little vacation, take Herb and Les with me - maybe Johnny too, you can never tell what he's gonna do...
- Andy: Wait a minute, you can't just clear out the station!
- Mr. Carlson: Why not? Just bring him here, introduce him to Jennifer, she'll wink at him a few times and he goes home.
- Andy: And what if he is a she?
- Mr. Carlson: Well, then, you wink at him.
- Mrs. Carlson: Why Hirsch! This coffee's delicious!!
- Hirsch: Umm hmm. That's because we were having a guest, Madame. When it's just you and me, I prepare it a little differently.
Love, Exciting and New [4.10]
- Mr. Carlson: [on the phone] Thank you very much! It's nice talking to you too! Bye!
- Jennifer: Who was that?
- Mr. Carlson: My mom.
- Jennifer: Really!
- Mr. Carlson: Yeah. She was pleasant! No guilt feelings! Something's wrong, of course. She's dying.
- Venus: Andy's dating Mrs. Carlson!
- Andy: Don't tell anybody!
- Venus: Andy's not dating Mrs. Carlson!
- Johnny: Which one, his wife or his mother?
- Andy: His mother. What kind of guy do you think I am?
- Johnny: Gee, Travis, I don't know!
You Can't Go Out of Town Again [4.11]
- Carmen: I didn't join that sorority, because...
- Mr. Carlson: Because you felt sorry for me.
- Carmen: No! Because to get in I had to show up with a loser, a dip, a clown.
- Mr. Carlson: Thanks, Carmen!
- Carmen: And one minute after you picked me up, I knew you were none of those things. You were for me.
Mr. Carlson: I've been in my office all morning just hanging it out.
- Mr. Carlson: It wasn't really an 'official' fraternity. Mother sort of rented this house for a bunch of us who couldn't get in.
- Venus: Andy, real speed is gone because it killed everybody. Junkies don't even want it back!
- Johnny: And once the Republicans got in, everyone just switched to downers!
- Mr. Carlson: Where do they go, anyway, Travis?
- Andy: What's that, sir?
- Mr. Carlson: The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.
- Herb: Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.
- Venus: Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.
- Herb: I wasn't trying to hide anything!
- Andy: Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.
- Venus: Human.
- Herb: Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?
- Venus: Where'd you get that speech?
- Herb: Read it on a T-Shirt.
- Bailey: Have you noticed that you can't tell what color someone is over the phone?
- Venus: I guess not.
- Bailey: That's right! Stereotype thinking! I mean, when I heard Black Life Magazine, I was expecting him to be like "Hey, little momma, you tell the dude I'll be here at fo'." But he didn't. He sounded just like you!
- Venus: What does she mean "just like me?" I'm black, I'm from the street, I can say "fo'!"
- Johnny: That's right, Kingfish. You is, and you does. But the problem is, you sound neutral.
- Venus: Neutral. You mean 'white.'
- Johnny: Well, don't worry, pal. I've heard you say "upside your head," things like that. Don't worry, you can pass for black.
- Venus: I don't want to "pass for black," I want to be black! What the hell am I saying?
Jennifer and Johnny's Charity [4.14]
- Herb: My wife and I went to Washington about three years ago. The Lincoln Memorial is pretty good. There's a great big guy sitting in a chair.
- Les: The following bulletin has just been received on the WKRP teletype! Monster lizard ravages east coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the east coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless!
- Johnny: Monster lizard?
- Les: The wire service never lies!
- Johnny: Les, the "B" is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard!
I'll Take Romance [4.15]
- Les: Are you trying to tell me that I'm not worthy of Lorraine?
- Jennifer: No, I'm trying to tell you that Lorraine is not worthy of you.
- Les: She cost $200.
- Jennifer: No, she charges $200. Les, I'm talking about the oldest profession.
- Les: Lorraine's a farmer?
- Andy: Herbert, I do not need a computerized service to help me find girls. I meet 'em the old-fashioned way: I pick them up in bars.
Circumstantial Evidence [4.16]
- Les: Officer Shanks, explain fire.
- Fireman: What?
- Les: Exactly why do things burn?
- Fireman: What kind of a station is this?
- Les: The phones are dead! The phones are dead!
- Venus: Not now, Les!
- Les: Well, shouldn't we call somebody?
Dear Liar [4.18]
- Andy: Les, your stories always seem to have a kind of a, uh... how shall I put this?
- Johnny: Barnyard aroma?
- Mr. Carlson: [on Les' demand for walls] You know, I think walls would be good for him. Big padded ones, about that thick.
The Creation of Venus [4.19]
- Mrs. Carlson: [to Andy] If you're going to grab me, do it nicely—in the back seat of my Rolls.
- Venus: Couldn't I have a cosmic name for a boy, like Pluto!
- Andy: That's a dog's name.
- Venus: Mercury.
- Andy: That guy brings flowers. Now listen. What do you think of when you hear the name "Venus?"
- Venus: Flytrap.
- Andy: The plant that eats bugs?
The Impossible Dream [4.20]
- Bailey: You don't like parties? You don't like putting on a silly hat, hiding behind furniture, and generally stripping yourself of every shred of human dignity?
- Johnny: Now that you put it that way, I do like that.
- Johnny: Travis, you should've heard Bailey with the news. It's the first time it ever made sense.
- Jennifer: I like when Les does it. It's always so surreal.
To Err is Human [4.21]
- Mr. Carlson: Well, Herb, what do you think? What we have here is an ad for Soul Suds Shampoo, a shampoo that's exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I right?
- Herb: Yes, sir.
- Mr. Carlson: Then why are we looking at a picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?
- Herb: [into the phone] You call yourselves printers? There were fifty photos of a black guy in a tuxedo holding a bottle of shampoo, and one photo of a white guy barbecuing, and you used the white guy! ... I don't care which photo I marked. I made the mistake and you people were supposed to catch it. That's what I pay you for. Don't you remember? I screw up everything! You should know that if it comes from me, it's wrong!
- Johnny: Here's how we do it. We go into the supermarket. [to Bailey] You create a ruckus in the produce section. [to Venus] You grab the poster, slip it under your jacket, we're out the door!
- Bailey: What kind of ruckus?
- Johnny: I don't know, uh, something with mangoes.
- Bailey: Mangoes?
- Andy: [entering] Hey, Venus, don't worry about the posters; they'll be out of the supermarkets by tomorrow.
- Venus: Thank goodness.
- Bailey: Oh, too bad. I was just getting a mental picture of me and those mangoes.
- Johnny: Yeah...?
Up and Down the Dial [4.22]
- Johnny: Statistics, right? I don't trust 'em. Statistically speaking, anybody who's led the kind of life that I have should look completely wasted.
- Andy: Can you give me three solid reasons why Les should be fired?
- Mrs. Carlson: Yes—he's incompetent, unprofessional, and very weird.
- Tim Reid - Gordon "Venus Flytrap" Sims
- Howard Hesseman - Dr. Johnny "Fever" Caravella
- Gordon Jump - Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson
- Loni Anderson - Jennifer Marlowe
- Richard Sanders - Les Nessman
- Gary Sandy - Andy Travis
- Frank Bonner - Herb Tarlek
- Jan Smithers - Bailey Quarters