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WWE SmackDown is a professional wrestling television program that originally debuted as a special on April 29, 1999 and formally became a weekly show on August 26, 1999.
- [Having had enough of the Stone Cold Steve Austin-themed pranks they had all night long, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime calls out The Rock on his earlier warning that Austin was indeed in the area]
- The Rock: The Rock promised that Stone Cold was gonna be here tonight, and the Rock is a man and a half living up to his word, and always keeps his promises! Now all night long, the Rock has thoroughly enjoyed seeing your candy asses get confused, get paranoid. The beer, the rattlesnake, the only regret is that the Rattlesnake didn't bite one of you in your candy asses! Shane McMahon, beating up the cardboard cutout of Stone Cold. Real tough. Triple H, beating up the Stone Cold lookalike in a bathroom! Well, who do you think the Rock is? The Rock doesn't dress like Stone Cold, The Rock doesn't talk like Stone Cold, the Rock doesn't even look like Stone Cold... but [gestures to Smackdown screen] HE looks like Stone Cold. [Austin appears on screen]
- Stone Cold Steve Austin: Hell, I understand you jackasses have been looking for me. Hell, I'm at the parking lot, I've been here in out all night long! Now there seems to be some concern over whose side Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna be on this Sunday at Backlash. Will Stone Cold Steve Austin be looking to favor Triple H or will Stone Cold Steve Austin be on the side of The Rock. That's an easy one for Stone Cold to answer, because the answer to that is, I'm gonna be on the side I've always been on and that's mine! But what I've got right now, is a little demonstration for ya, to any one of you little grubby bastards that thinks they're gonna get their hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, there's a lot of people out there that are good at construction, a lot of people good at building little things with their hands. Hell it seems the only thing I've ever been good at is tearing shit up. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm good at deconstruction, so what we got here [tears off label in crane, revealing AUSTIN DECONSTRUCTION] is my own little toy and Stone Cold Steve Austin's got just a little example of what might happen [gets in control booth] if anybody gets their little grubby meathooks on me!
- Michael Cole: Where is he, King?
- Jerry Lawler: He's in a parking lot.
- Austin: [sets up controls] Oh that's what I'd like to hear.
- Cole: What the hell is he doing? [sees Austin set up a concrete barrier atop the DX Express bus] Wait a minute, that's the DX Express!! [Austin drops barrier on the bus and it explodes] Holy cow! Do you believe that? The DX... Express bus just exploded!!
- Lawler: It's on fire!
- Austin: And that's anybody that tries to mess with Stone Cold Steve Austin this Sunday at Backlash and that's the bottom line, 'CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!
- Lawler: He's demolished the DX Express!
- Cole: Oh hell yeah, Stone Cold is back! Austin 3:16 says, "I just wrecked your bus!" Sunday night, King, at Backlash, on pay-per-view could be the Rock's night 'cause Stone Cold said so!
- Vince McMahon: Now, I understand, that there are a number of you... [hears "Asshole!" chants] I understand that there are a number of you... I understand that... I understand that some of you feel as though that the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, last Monday on RAW, just wasn't fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though, since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the Intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn't fair. Well, that's just too damn bad. Because, if you don't think it was fair Monday, you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up, you wait in line, waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself, very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say, "Wait a minute! That's not fair!" And what about the parking lot, we've all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car - Oop! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say "Wait a minute! That's MY parking space, that's not fair!" What about, what about on those few occasions, when you will honestly and objectively, look into the full-length mirror? [senses reactions] Alright, now we're getting somewhere. And you women, look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves, and you say "Ewwww, eeeeh. Look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks! That's not fair!" And you men, you men won't come close to the mirror! But on that occasion where you might take a quick glimpse, you say "Oh, That can't be me. No, that can't be me with the pot belly, and the small genitalia! Oh no, that's not fair!" And you look at yourselves. Go ahead, look at yourselves! Look at the person sitting next to you, yeah, look at ‘em! Look at the person sitting in front of you! Go ahead, look at all of you! You look at yourselves, and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring, and you say "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And, forget about the looks, what about [makes money gesture] the money, huh? What about the money?! Uh-huh! You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can't afford what you really want? "That's not fair!" It's not fair that some people are rich and you're not! "That's not fair!" And you know, you have to face the facts, that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. And you say "It's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!" but you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts, that life is... not... fair. And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy, for some of you, and that is that - Life sucks, and then you die!!
- [Gerald Brisco has just put his finger on a snoring Crash Holly with the referee silently counting the pin]
- Jerry Lawler: [whispers] Gerald Brisco is the Hardcore Champion.
- Michael Cole: [whispers as well while Brisco is elated and is given the belt without speaking] You gotta be kidding me!
- Lawler: Gerald Brisco has the Hardcore Title, so get them to tune in the music. It will wake up Crash. [Brisco and the referee try to sneak out] Gerald Brisco is - [but the referee stumbles on a chair, which wakes up Crash. Brisco scrambles]
- Cole: Wait a minute!
- Crash Holly: Where's my belt?!? Hey you... [to ref] come with me [to Brisco] hey!!!
- Lawler: [as Crash and the ref chase Brisco] Look at this!
- Cole: King, Gerald Brisco had the Hardcore title from Crash while he was sleeping [Lawler laughs] and the chase is on!
- [Triple H is waiting for Stephanie, but Trish approaches him and says she's embarrassed over the ending of their tag-team match against the Rock and Lita on RAW]
- Triple H: You're embarrassed?
- Trish Stratus: I know, you know what, I hope things work out between you and Stephanie.
- HHH: [angered by what she just said] Hope that things work out between me and Stephanie? I'll tell you what, this whole thing is your fault. It's your fault that I haven't talked to my wife in three days. It's your fault she won't speak to me. You know what Trish, you know what you can do? You can do me a really big favor. [points arm far away] Get away from me. Get out, just get away and don't come back. Stay away from me. [shoos Trish off] You're bad news!!
- [After the revelation on RAW of Rikishi running down Stone Cold Steve Austin, a police officer warns him against retaliation under threat of jail for vehicular manslaughter and murder, but when he rolls up his truck window on the officer, JR later tries to talk some sense into him]
- Jim Ross: Steve. [taps on the window] Steve. Steve, I just want to talk to you. [taps] Steve. Come on! [Austin rolls down window] Steve, you can't do this. You can't sit here and run down Rikishi. Do you hear that cop's saying? You'll go to jail! Hell he ain't worth it, he ain't worth it to you running him down. [closer] Steve, you've got to listen to reason! You got to -[Austin glares at him; JR steps back] All right easy.... [leaves]
- Paul Heyman: In just a few moments, at my leisure, I'm gonna call Vince McMahon out to his ring in front of his public on a television show that's owned by his grand company. At least, that is, until this Sunday at Survivor Series. I know how much you people appreciate what Shane and Stephanie and I have done. How Shane and Stephanie and I have stood up to the tyranny of Vince McMahon. And the way it is ladies and gentlemen is quite simple: the World Wrestling Federation will die this Sunday. But don't blame me for that. It's not my fault. I'm not the one who ruined everything that was accomplished by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
- You see, at Survivor Series, it means so much more than just the personalities that are involved. It's about ending what Vince McMahon has tried to accomplish. I sat there at that desk on Monday and I listened to Mick Foley, and I agreed with everything Mick Foley had to say; that the WWF truly does suck! [miffed at boos] Don't boo me! Have you watched the television show lately? Vince McMahon has lost his mind! The man doesn't have it anymore! He's a has-been. His ideas are antiquated. His concepts are draconian and Mick Foley was right because the WWF is imploding from within. Like every great empire, the WWF is imploding from within. Vince's loyal employees, like Stone Cold, left him, like Mick Foley wants nothing to do with him, Vince's own children want him to burn in Hell, and I don't blame 'em. Vince McMahon will see the WWF die this Sunday at Survivor Series and he has no hope to save his precious company. Vince McMahon has the same chances of saving the WWF as he did of realizing his dream of starting a football league! [Vince McMahon comes to the ring as Heyman kneels before him, but he stands up]
- I want you to know that I was down on my knees because I know you're used to men kissing your ass, Vinnie. Every time you walk in the back, there's Patterson and Brisco, 'Oh, what a great idea you had, Vince!' [mocks ass-kissing] You like men kissing your ass, don't you, Vince? Because that's what you're all about; a billionaire! The billionaire, Vince McMahon! The creator of sports entertainment! I've waited so long to see you face to face like this. And I've waited so long to tell you to your face that I hate your stinking guts but it's not just me, it's your children that hate your stinking guts, Vince, and at Survivor Series, your children are gonna do to you what I've waited my whole life to see someone do to you, Vince. You are, so help me God, the most disgusting, vile, son of a bitch I've ever seen in my life.
- You took Hulk Hogan's blood and you built Titan Towers. You stole Bret Hart's dream, and with that money, bought yourself an airplane with 'WWF' all over it. You did that, and you know it, you son of a bitch! You stole Shawn Michaels' smile, took your company public, and made yourself a billionaire. But not a self-made billionaire, like you like to tell everybody you are, oh no. See, you're a billionaire on other people's hard work. Your father - your father, Vince McMahon - your father went around the country and shook the hand of every... [sees Vince's glare] You know I'm telling the truth don't you? You know in your heart that I'm telling you the truth... that your father shook the hand of every promoter in this country and swore to them that he'd never compete against them, that his son would never compete against them.
- And when your father DIED, you competed! And with your ruthless, merciless, take-no-prisoners attitude, you drove everybody out of business, didn't you, Vince? You ran all the competition into the ground and you stole all their ideas and you made yourself a billionaire out of it! And you know whose ideas you stole the most, Vince? You stole mine! You see, I don't give a damn about Don Owen and Sam Mushnick and Jim Crockett; I care about what you did to me and my family. How you stole my dreams, how you stole MY legacy, how you stole everything that ECW represented. Because while Doink the Clown had green hair and a rubber nose, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was drinking his first beer in ECW, damn you. While Bobby Heenan and Gene Okerlund were dancing around singing "Tutti Frutti", ECW was producing the edgy TV that you named "Attitude." 'Oh, we've got Attitude!' You've got nothing, man! What you've got is my ideas and you stole my life, my money, my legacy! [throws cap at Vince] SCREW YOU! SCREW YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!
- I'll tell you something, your own children hate your guts! And on Sunday, your children are going to get even with you, for everything that you stole from me, from everything you stole from them! You flaunt your affairs in front of your wife! You flaunt your affairs in Playboy for your children to read! You bastard! [points to Tazz] Look at Tazz! Look at Tazz! This man was a killer, he was a machine! He was a wrestler, a great wrestler, a real man. But wrestling is a dirty word to you, isn't it, Vince? Your father built a wrestling company, and you, you had to have sports entertainment. 'We have to have sports entertainment, ha ha ha!' He was a wrestler, he was a great wrestler, he was a man. And now, he's a fat, little, obnoxious color commentator, and not even a good one! He is a sports entertainer. He is not a wrestler because you made wrestling a dirty word. You made wrestling a dirty word, Vince. What kind of a man are you? What kind of a man takes wrestling and makes it sports entertainment? At Survivor Series, you're going down. You're going down, Vince. I promise you, you're going down, and I'm going to watch it and your children are going to lift their leg, and stand over your grave and we're going to laugh. And you know what else I'm going to do, Vince? I'm going to run your ass out of business. And there's not a damn thing you can do about. I'm feeling good about myself... [gets choked out by the Tazzmission]
- [Austin has just beaten up Booker T at the Green Frog and brought him to the counter]
- Stone Cold Steve Austin: [hearing police sirens; leaves] Price check on a jackass!!!
- Booker T: [sprawled at the foot of the checkout line; cries] I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you... [weeps]
- [Back at the arena skybox, Ric Flair is laughing at Vince]
- Ric Flair: [to Vince McMahon] I think I told you you'd enjoy the show. [slaps Vince at the back before he leaves]
- [Big Show had just been counted out of his match with Orlando Jordan because of a call to nature. Eddie Guerrero comes into the restroom]
- Eddie Guerrero: [turned off by the sheer smell] Oh Chihuahua man, eto qunni. Hoho man. [knocks on Big Show's stall] Hey Big Show! Big Show!
- Big Show: LEAVE ME ALONE!!
- Guerrero: Oh man, I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to scare you while you're in the commode. Ese man, it smells like something crawled up inside of you and died, man! Ca miho! Uy man, I guess that's what happens, Show.
- Show: What? What are you talking about?
- Guerrero: Hey man, I'm talking about when you put me out twice, you really think you can bonk me out twice man, and get away with it?
- Show: Eddie I didn't do anything!
- Guerrero: Ese, Show, the reason you're there is because I DID THIS!!! That's right man, that's right, it was my cousin Jose you just met right now, and ate the burrito, ese.
- Show: Oh no!
- Guerrero: I put special sauce and I mean some real good special sauce [touches tummy] the type that makes your stomach do what it's doing right now, ese! Oh my God I know it's killing you, I can smell it. Huy!! [picks up toilet paper rolls at dispenser near sink] Hey man, you save your sweat, let me ask you a question, what are you gonna do to wipe your ass? No, you know, wipe your ass?
- Show: [reacts] No, no. Eddie, there's no toilet paper in here!! C'mon man, don't do this to me!
- Guerrero: I'm sorry, that's right. I forgot. I took the toilet paper out an hour ago.
- Show: Oh no, man!
- Guerrero: [puts toilet paper atop dispenser] Here man, I got something for you to wipe your ass with. Here goes! [kicks stall door right into Big Show]
- Show: [Rises up] You son of a... [reacts and collapses back on toilet as more come out]
- Guerrero: Ohohoh, does that hurt?
- Show: Oh, yes..
- Guerrero: Hurt your back? [mocks back pain] Montezuma ain't got NOTHING on MonGuerrero! [leaves as Big Show cries]
- Vince McMahon: Well, well, well, well. Lookee here, it's me, Vince McMahon. You remember me, Vince McMahon, chairman of the board? Yeah, I'm sure you do. And I am proud to stand here--next to Sable--proud to stand here and say to each and every one of you, that I beat the snot right out of my very own daughter, Stephanie McMahon. Boo all you want. Hey, boo all you want, it doesn't matter to me, hell, nothing bothers me. I know where I'm going when I croak. I know where I'm going when I kick the bucket. Hey, I'm going to hell in a handbasket. I know that but I'm not dead. I'm very much alive and... well, we're celebrating tonight. Matter of fact, maybe even kinda like, I celebrated after No Mercy. After I beat my daughter, after I shoved my wife down onto the mat, I celebrated unlike all the rest of you henpecked husbands and boyfriends who do exactly as you're told. You know, how I celebrated after No Mercy, you heard the expression, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Well, I assure you, I didn't spoil the child but I didn't spare the rod either, did I, Sable? Oh no, I used it all night long. Quite frankly, I accomplished the two things I wanted to accomplish. One: Stephanie McMahon is, as we speak, unemployed. And the second thing I accomplished, equally important, if not even more so, is that Brock Lesnar remains your WWE champion. Hey, listen, I admit, Brock needed a little assistance in this match but why wouldn't he? Brock's a professional wrestler. He's not a barbarian. He shouldn't have been placed in this biker chain match by my daughter to begin with. So, I mean, when Undertaker somehow was reaching up for that chain and Brock was down to the canvas, well, somehow conveniently the lights were turned out. And then, when Undertaker was reaching for the chain again, somehow someone told the FBI to come down and kick the hell out of the Undertaker. And then, when all else failed, and Undertaker got the chain and he turned around at the top rope, who was there rolling out from underneath the ring to give the Undertaker the ride of a life he'll never forget? Me! Me, Vince McMahon! You see, the Undertaker has to learn the hard way, just like some of these other superstars, although he has to learn even harder and that is that, and the one thing Undertaker learned is you don't cross the boss. You don't...you don't give grief to the head chief. Wait a minute, wait a minute. But you do have sex with the man who signs your checks. Oh, yeah, I'm on fire tonight! No doubt! Yeah! But, quite frankly, enough about the celebration, we now need to get down to business. I've thought long and hard about who should be our next general manager here on Smackdown. But it's not you, Sable, that's not your job. I have some other jobs suggested for you. No, as a matter of fact, the person I'm about to name as your new general manager, well, he's someone who quite frankly tried to put me out of business. He's someone that if he's around you for a lengthened time, you find yourself reaching for his throat just so you could strangle him. But... but, nonetheless without a doubt, this person is one of the most ingenious, creative, and manipulative minds in the history of this business. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new general manager of Smackdown, I give you Paul Heyman!
- Kane: I came here tonight to give a eulogy for my brother, the Undertaker, the man that I buried alive at Survivor Series. But I can't do that. The truth is, the man that we knew as the Undertaker, has been dead for a long time. My brother and I used to share a common bond, we were monsters, we lived to strike fear into the hearts of normal men, THAT was who we were. But my brother, the Undertaker, committed the most unpardonable of all sins: He betrayed himself. He became one of you. I know, I watched as he showed compassion and defended Stephanie McMahon. I watched as he showed weakness in losing to Brock Lesnar. This man was not my brother. This man was not a monster. A monster shows no compassion. A monster has no weaknesses. My brother was nothing but a FRAUD. When I stopped that, I took this impostor, I buried him alive... and I enjoyed it. As I look around all I see is a mass of pathetic insects that I can destroy any time I wanted. But at least you people are true your nature. My brother was not. But thanks to me, you will never have to see his pathetic carcass again. This so called 'Deadman' was dead and buried long before Survivor Series. So all I have to say... is rest in peace, my brother. Rest in peace!
- [JBL is disgusted at the unkempt appearance of the Nassau Coliseum and wants his limo driver to drive him back to NYC]
- John Bradshaw Layfield: A rich man don't work when a rich man don't want to. Let's go driver. I look way too good not to be in New York City tonight. Let's go! [signals intercom] Hey, let's go! [no response] Idiot! Who hired these morons [tries again and opens partition] Hey, moron, I said let's go! Take me back to New York City now!
- Driver: New York City? [driver takes off his hat revealing its Eddy Guerrero]
- JBL: Hey!! What are you..?
- Guerrero: Olare Holmes! We ain't going to New York City, but we are going for a ride. And its gonna be better than Disneyland, olare, Holmes - Hey, does this, have any any hydraulics? [presses button and partition goes back up] Yeah, ha vato loco.
- JBL: What do you mean hydraulics?!?! Get me out of here, idiot, you're stealing my... [tries to pound windows and open the door, but they're all locked]
- Guerrero: [as JBL jabbers at the back] It's time! [drives off]
- Kurt Angle: There has been a lot of talk about my actions last week on Smackdown. I have been called a liar, a con artist, and quite frankly, it hurts because you people have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm an extraordinary human being capable of doing extraordinary things. In case you forgot, I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken neck. And last week, when I saw Eddie Guerrero, who I despise, who brings shame and disgrace to this company, who was about to regain the WWE Championship, I sucked it up, set aside my pain, and did what I had to do to make sure it didn't happen. I did the impossible. Do I believe in miracles? Yes, I do. And sure, afterwards, I regressed, my doctors told me that my actions enabled me to further damage my knee. My therapists told me that I risked permanent paralysis. But it was worth it. It was worth it for the greater good, to maintain Kurt Angle's Smackdown. Where men are rewarded by morality. Where men, like John Cena, are stripped of the U.S. Championship. Where men, like John "Bradshaw" Layfield, stand tall as the WWE Champion. A Smackdown where Eddie Guerrero becomes obsolete. That's right, Eddie! [hears "Eddie" chants] You see, Eddie Guerrero, what he did was wrong. But I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give Eddie Guerrero a chance tonight to keep his job because what he did, I could fire Eddie on the spot. But I'm a decent man, so I'm not gonna do that. But, there's one thing that Eddie Guerrero has to do. He has to come out here and he has to convince me to keep his job, provided that he begs for it. If Eddie Guerrero gets on his knees and begs in front of me for his job back, I promise, as general manager of Smackdown, I will let him keep his job. But it's got to be good and it's got to be sincere. And I'll show you what I'm talking about.[Turns to Tony Chimel] Tony, would you come in the ring? And bring your microphone.
- [Tony Chimel enters the ring]
- Kurt Angle: In case you don't know who this man is, this is our ring announcer and Philadelphia's own, Tony Chimel. [audience cheers] Mr. Chimel is a great significance to me because he was the ring announcer at my last match, Wrestlemania XX. The match where Eddie Guerrero cheated to win. And the last image that keeps going over and over and over and over again in my head is Tony Chimel, with a smile on his face, announcing, "And the winner is Eddie Guerrero!" Now, Mr. Chimel, in case you didn't know, when you cheat, you don't win which makes you a liar. And in my book, that's immediate grounds for dismissal. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you saying I'm a liar? Is that what you're saying? No? I'll tell you what, Tony Chimel. I could fire you on the spot. But I'll tell you what. If you can convince me to keep your job, I'll let you have your job. Go ahead.
- Tony Chimel: Kurt, I...
- Kurt Angle: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Knees. On your knees.
- Tony Chimel: [getting on his knees] Mr. Angle, I sincerely apologize if I offended you in any way. Please, just let me keep my job. Please.
- Kurt Angle: Are you kidding me? You call that begging? Say it like you mean it!
- Tony Chimel: Mr. Angle, please. Please, I have a wife and three kids. I just... just wanna have my job, please.
- Kurt Angle: All right, all right, all right. That was good. Much better. Actually, that was really good, but not good enough. Tony Chimel, YOU'RE FIRED! [audience boos] NOW, GET OUT OF MY RING! GO, NOW!
- [Tony Chimel leaves the ring]
- Kurt Angle: I'm sorry, but Tony Chimel's not a very good beggar. But don't worry, people, because someone will be begging for their job tonight. And that man is Eddie Guerrero.
- Funaki: This is Funaki, Smackdown number one announcer! Tonight, I'm here Kurt Angle's office reporting on the very special announcement. Okay, Kurt.
- Kurt Angle: Excuse me, if you're done butchering my language, I brought you in here because finally, there's someone here on Smackdown, a superstar that I can be proud of, and his name is Booker T. Booker, will you please join me? [Booker T enters] Now, Book, you're everything I want in a superstar here on Smackdown. You're professional, you're a sharp dresser, and nothing would make me prouder than to present you with the United States Championship. [showing the United States Championship belt]
- Tazz: Wow.
- Booker T: You're kidding me, right?
- Kurt Angle: No. [lifting Funaki's arm]
- Booker T: You for real, dawg?
- Kurt Angle: Oh, yeah.
- Booker T: You talking about making me, Booker T, the United States Champion tonight? That's what you're saying, man.
- [Booker T tries to take the belt]
- Kurt Angle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Yes and no. Now, now, listen, Book.
- Booker T: Come on, man.
- Kurt Angle: Technically, I can't do it just yet, but immediately after the show, I'm gonna have a meeting with the members of the board, and by next week, you'll be the new United States Champion. But tonight, just for old time sakes, I'm gonna let you hold the title.
- Booker T: You're letting me hold the title?
- Kurt Angle: Oh, it's true.
- [Kurt Angle gives Booker T the United States Championship belt]
- Booker T: Hey, I appreciate that, Kurt Angle. [Kurt Angle applauds] Thank you, man.
- [Booker T shakes Kurt Angle's hand]:
- Kurt Angle: You are welcome. You are welcome.
- Booker T: I'm outta here, dawg.
- [Booker T leaves the office]
- Funaki: Hey, Mr. Angle, that's not fair! That's not fair!
- Kurt Angle: Not fair? You're telling me it's not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair. The fact that you're a broadcast journalist and you can't even say "broadcast journalist". Go ahead, try and say it.
- Funaki: I'm a Smackdown...
- Kurt Angle: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Not number one announcer, say "broadcast journalist".
- [Funaki struggles to say "broadcast journalist" then Kurt Angle grabs the microphone]
- Kurt Angle: You know what? You're a disgrace to this microphone. You're a disgrace to my Smackdown. And, Funaki, I'll tell you what's fair, YOU'RE FIRED! [takes Funaki's microphone] Now. get out! What are you doing? Get out of my office!
- [Funaki leaves the office]
- Kurt Angle: Unfair?
- Kurt Angle: Ladies, before you begin, there's something I need to say. Now, I've taken a heart, the fact that you feel overlooked and underutilized and I have to say there's been a major misunderstanding. See, you say that you've been underutilized. Well, I say that you're plain useless. I mean, what purpose do you serve? Wrestling in your lingerie? Nobody wants to see that! What was I thinking? So, ladies, I'm gonna spare you the indignity of wrestling in your underwear or begging for your jobs because, as of now, you no longer have jobs. Ladies, the four of you... ARE FIRED!
- [as the lumberjack match between Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle has turned into a brawl involving all of the lumberjacks]
- Michael Cole: Hell has broken loose on SmackDown!
- Tazz: It's breakin' down in Tulsa, baby!
- [suddenly the pyro goes off and Big Show's music hits]
- Michael: Wait a minute!!
- Tazz: What the hell-?
- [The Big Show arrives]
- Michael: Oh, my God! The Big Show??
- Tazz: Say it ain't so!
- Michael: He wasn't scheduled to be here for two weeks!
- Tazz [as Big Show starts mowing down the lumberjacks outside of the ring]: Oh my God! Oh!
- Michael: Big Show is on the scene! The 500-pounder is cleaning house!
- Tazz: What is Big Show - oh! - what's he doin' here?! [as Big Show lays out Scotty 2 Hotty with a punch to the head] Oh!
- Michael: What a right hand!
- Tazz: Bodies are just flyin' everywhere!
- Michael [as Big Show enters the ring]: Can you believe it?
- Tazz: I can see him, larger than life itself!
- Michael: [as Big Show grabs Hardcore Holly]: Look out, Hardcore!
- Tazz: Uh-oh! What goes up, Cole...
- Michael: Chokeslam!
- Tazz: ...must come down!
- Michael: D-Von Dudley!
- [Big Show throws D-Von out of the ring, then does the same to Bubba Ray Dudley]
- Tazz: SmackDown superstars are falling hard!
- Michael: With one arm, Bubba tossed over the top rope!
- [Spike Dudley then confronts Big Show]
- Tazz: The boss!
- Michael: Okay, that's right, Spike!
- Tazz [as Big Show grabs Spike and lifts him over his head]: Uh-oh! The boss met his match, I think!
- Michael: Uh, Spike!
- Tazz: Oh my God! Watch out!
- [Big Show throws Spike right onto the other Dudleys outside the ring]
- Michael: Thanks for coming!
- Tazz: Oh, my God!
- Michael: The Big Show-
- [Big Show then chokeslams John Cena]
- Tazz: Cena!
- Michael: John Cena must've been 10 feet in the air!
- Tazz [as Big Show punches Rey Mysterio]: Rey Myst - oh! - Rey Mysterio got smashed there!
- Michael: Can you believe Big Show is a one-man wrecking machine?
- Tazz [as Big Show grabs Charlie Haas and gives him a chokeslam]: Now, Haas! Oh, man!
- Michael: A chokeslam by the Big Show to Haas!
- [Big Show then grabs Rob Van Dam]
- Tazz: Lookin' at Van Dam now!
- Michael [as Big Show knocks Van Dam down with another punch]: What a right hand!
- Tazz: The Big Show...
- Michael: Big Show has cleared out, all 20...
- Tazz [as Big Show chokeslams Rene Dupree]: Oh man!
- Michael: ...lumberjacks!
- Tazz: I-I never saw nothin' like this - never seen anything like this before! This man is on a, a rage; he's in a rage. [Big Show grabs Nunzio and slaps him hard on the chest] My God!
- Michael: There's carnage everywhere!
- Tazz [as Big Show punches Booker T]: Look at this, look at this! I - [Nunzio leaps off the turnbuckle to Big Show, only for Big Show to catch him by the throat] - oh!
- Michael: Watch out, Nunzio!
- Tazz: Nunzio's done!
- Michael [as Nunzio gets chokeslammed]: Oh, my...the ring shaking!
- Tazz: Look at the Big Show!
- Michael: Oh, my - Eddie, Eddie...
- [Big Show then grabs Eddie Guerrero by the throat]
- Tazz: Watch out!
- Michael: Eddie!...
- Tazz: Oh, no! Latino Heat! Oh, man!
- [Big Show chokeslams Guerrero]
- Michael: Oh! Wreckage strewn throughout this arena!
- [Big Show then turns his attention to Kurt Angle, who is still down from Guerrero putting him in the ankle lock earlier; Angle pleads as Big Show beckons him over]
- Tazz: God! Oh, my God!
- Michael [as Angle slowly gets up]: I have never seen one individual dominate like this!
- Tazz: I agree. And now...
- Michael: Everyone in the path of the Big Show has been destroyed! And now Kurt Angle trying to beg his way out of this.
- Tazz: Kurt Angle's begging off and...what's gonna happen?
- [Big Show finally grabs Kurt Angle]
- Michael: He's not cuttin' him any slack!
- Tazz: Oh, I guess not! Oh, no, he's not!...
- [Angle gets chokeslammed]
- Michael: A major chokeslam! An Olympic-sized chokeslam!
- Tazz: I am telling you the Big - [suddenly Luther Reigns strikes the Big Show from behind] - oh, what the hell was that?
- Michael: Look at Luther Reigns...
- Tazz: Oh, uh-oh...
- Michael: Luther Reigns from behind!
- Tazz: Oh man, Luther! [as Reigns starts landing more blows on Big Show] Look at Luther!
- Michael: Luther Reigns, trying to take it to the Big Show!
- Tazz: He's trying to knock him down!
- Michael: Luther Reigns with a, with another left hand!
- [After a few more blows by Reigns, Big Show finally grabs him by the throat]
- Tazz: Ah, man! Oh, Luther Reigns!
- [Big Show chokeslams Reigns]
- Michael: An accent from the Big Show! [Big Show yells at everyone in the ring as his music plays again, then raises his right hand in the air and screams] Big Show was scheduled to show up in two weeks' time! Obviously, he was in no mood for that! The largest athlete in the world is back, and more dominant than ever!
- Tazz: Cole, nobody is safe! Nobody is safe!
- Michael: Look at the wreckage! Look at the carnage! We didn't expect the Big Show for two weeks, but he's back! The Big Show is back!
- [Big Show raises his right hand in the air and yells out again]
- Tazz: Nobody is safe. Oh, my God...
- Kurt Angle: In 1996, I promised to win an Olympic gold medal despite a broken neck. In 2000, I promised to win the WWE Championship in my first year of pro wrestling. And last week, I promised a Smackdown moment, the likes of which has never been seen before. And just like every promise I've ever made in my life, I delivered. [clips from September 23 shown] You brought this on yourself, Show. At 7' tall, 500 pounds, you can throw most anyone off a balcony and get away with it, but I'm not just anybody. I'm Kurt Angle and you don't do what you did to Kurt Angle without there being some serious consequences. The second you threw me down to the ground, the second you threw me to the ground, and my legs snapped in two, I swore retribution. And last week, I got it. I humiliated you, Show. I knocked you out, I shaved your head, and as a bonus, I got a great photo to put on all my Christmas cards this year. Take a look. [picture showing Kurt Angle humiliating Big Show] I did what everyone here has dreamed about doing, I took the big bad bully who took out an entire roster and I humiliated him like he's never been humiliated before. And I look at this crowd, I see a lot of people here that seem like they were picked on in life. And to all of you that would like to take this time to express your admiration, please feel free to do so now. [audience boos] America's heartland, pure class. I don't expect you people to recognize greatness, but there are two people who do. Two men that I have personally selected to mold and groom into my image that will be standing in my corner at No Mercy when I end the Big Show once and for all, Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak.
- [The Cabinet has found JBL's limo with no wheels and on blocks. JBL fumes at the sight and they are all stunned to see Eddy Guerrero on the ring with one wheel]
- Eddy Guerrero: JBL! JBL! Olare Holmes! I saw what just happened to your ride! That sucks man! Now I know you're probably back there thinking this is not my lucky day, but I got news for you Holmes,
- JBL: [overlap] That tire's mine, give it back!!!
- Guerrero: ...your luck has changed for the better. I just happened to know someone here in Greenville, South Carolina,that could get you a great deal on a set of wheels, olare!
- JBL: You have stolen my property [to Orlando Jordan] and that is thievery. That's a felony!
- Orlando Jordan: It's right! It's right!
- Amy Weber: Who takes wheels?!?
- Guerrero: It's such a great deal, Holmes. Well, let me put it to you this way. You could even say, it's a real... steal.
- Jordan: I cannot believe this, I cannot believe this.
- JBL: It's a felony!
- Guerrero: Now I know that you're upset, I see you're back there crying, throwing a fit. But I got a little bit of advice: save those tears for Armageddon, the end of YOU, JBL!! 'Coz remember something, Holmes, you have something that belongs to me, Latino Heat and that's the WWE Championship. O Viva mi raza!
- JBL: [during Guerrero's last few words] This is mine, you will not get it from me!!!
- Michael Cole: And look at this! [JBL whacks John Cena with the WWE Championship belt] JBL with the championship off the skull of John Cena! The referee never saw it! The damn champion with the title off the skull of Cena! [Orlando Jordan crawling to Cena to cover him] Orlando Jordan crawling toward the cover! Not this way! [the referee makes the count] Not this way! Dammit!
- [bell rings]
- Tony Chimel: Here is your winner and the new United States Champion, Orlando Jordan!
- Michael Cole: You gotta be kidding me! This whole "Cabinet leaving" garbage was a damn joke!
- Tazz: Hooked us! Hook, line, and sinker! Hooked everyone, you, me, everybody here! JBL, like it or not, the man's a damn genius! We thought he split the arena! We thought he left!
- Michael Cole: Uh-uh.
- Tazz: A new United States champ? Wow!
- Michael Cole: A masterful plan, hatched by the champion, JBL, to take the United States Championship from John Cena. JBL and his Cabinet, with a diabolical scheme tonight, to take the title from Cena. Orlando Jordan is the new United States Champion.
- JBL: Every single week! Every single week, we have done something so freakin' awesome that we have to come out here and let you relish in our greatness! And this week is certainly no different. I never get tired of this. This week, we're gonna celebrate a man who exemplifies what the Cabinet stands for: greatness, dignity, courage, respect. A man who, last week, single handedly, by himself, one-on-one, mano y mano destroyed John Cena! That man is your United States Champion, the greatest athlete in SmackDown! history, Mr. Orlando Jordan!
- Crowd: [chanting] CENA!
- Michael Cole: The "Cena" chants begin.
- JBL: I understand Virginia is a little backward, but you're chanting for the loser. Chant the winner's name, OJ. You see, because there's a lot about OJ you don't know. OJ grew up with many brothers and many sisters. OJ grew up in the inner city. OJ realized at a young age that he could be like you people out here and that he could be paying to see me. OJ didn't want that, so he did the right thing. He turned his back on his family. He turned his back on his inner city. He wanted greatness in his life, and here he stands right now, your United States Champion, with you people out there, him in here! And tonight, you will see that greatness has no bounds. Tonight, you will see all the gold come to the Cabinet. You see, I'm a wrestling god, and gods must be adorned with gold. So tonight, Rey Mysterio, you and Eddie Guerrero... tonight, you will face the Cabinet. And tonight, you will see why we are successful and you are not, because we hold ourselves to a standard that you cannot possibly fathom! We hold ourselves to a standard that is so high, most of you never see it. Tonight, you will realize what is class and what is not, and why common people never stand here with championships.[Turns to Orlando Jordan] What is that thing you're carrying?
- Orlando Jordan: Why, JBL, I believe this is what John Cena used to call [spins the plate on the belt] his United States Championship title.
- JBL: Looks to me like some little bling-bling sideshow, like a hubcap that these kids, instead of putting money in their education, put on their cars. That, I find disgusting. That, for the time-honored tradition of sports entertainment, must be destroyed. The Bashams, the Secretaries of Defense, would you please do me a favor and get the trash can and the stairs, please?
- [The Bashams bring the top half of the ringside steps into the ring and place a trash can in front of it]
- Michael: "Trash can and stairs"? What's going on?
- JBL: You people are about to understand why it is sometimes good for America that the rich keep the common down.
- Michael: Bashams brought stairs in the... now there's a trash can.
- JBL: That belt right there is everything I find reprehensible, everything I hate about John Cena! He has taken a time-honored tradition like the United States Championship and he has made it into a sideshow freak ride! For that, that must be destroyed, just like at WrestleMania, John Cena will not only be destroyed but he will bow at the feet of greatness! John Cena talks about street cred? I own the damn street! [Orlando hands the belt to JBL, who lays it into the trash can and takes a remote from Danny Basham] Just like your career, Cena...[JBL turns one switch on the remote] up...in...smoke.
- [He turns the second switch, which triggers an explosion inside the trash can]
- Tazz: WHOA!
- Michael: You've gotta be kidding me. Cena's championship was in there.
- JBL: Orlando, that piece of trash was destroyed. I had something flown in from WWE Headquarters, the WWE Vault, worthy of you. [Doug Basham holds out a briefcase, which JBL opens and takes out the traditional United States Championship] Ladies and gentlemen, to a great American. To a man with class, something with class. The greatest athlete in SmackDown! history. [He hands the title over to Orlando] Give it up for Orlando Jordan, your United States Champion! [Orlando and JBL stand on the steps hoisting their respective titles high] Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your United States Champion, Orlando Jordan, your future Tag Team Champions, and the WWE Heavyweight Champion, John "Bradshaw" Layfield!
- [Eddie Guerrero arrives and sits on a chair in the middle of the ring, one week after turning on Rey Mysterio]
- Eddie: You know...all over the country, people have been asking me, "Why, Eddie, why? Why did you do to Rey Mysterio, what you did to him, last week?" Plain and simple, I gave him what he wanted. He wanted a fight, I gave him a fight! I gave him the fight of his life! And do you think that makes me happy?? [looking at Rey's bloody mask which he kept from the previous week] DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME...HAPPY?! I didn't want to do it, Rey, WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO IT?! Por qué? It's your fault!! Es tu culpa, Rey! [the crowd starts an "Eddie sucks" chant] I never wanted to lay a hand on you! And look what you made me do! But you know what, Rey? Blessings come in disguises, ese. You see, I realized something last week, homes. My eyes were open. And I realized what you were doing. And not only you... [standing up and addressing the audience] ...ALL of these people. [the crowd boos] I realized, that each and every one of you, were living vicariously through me! You were stealing my passion, my love, my energy! You were stealing my Latino Heat! But as of last week...not anymore, 'cause I got it back! I got it ALL back! And I like it! I like what I'm feeling, Rey. [sitting back down in the chair] So I got a little piece of advice for you, homes. See, nothing and no one is going to ever, ever, take away my Latino Heat again! So I want you to listen, real close. [camera zooms in closer on Eddie] Come in, a little closer. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!! Quiero que piensas, I want you to think, think of your family. Aalyah and Dominik, your son and your daughter. Don't make me...hurt them, Rey. Don't make me...hurt their daddy again, ese! Don't make me...take...away...their papá! 'Cause I promise you this, ese: you promised to make your return at Judgment Day...I advise against it. You return at Judgment Day, remember...right now, I have your blood on my hands. At Judgment Day, if you come back, I'll have your life!
- [later on that night, after getting disqualified for hitting a brain buster on Jimmy Jacobs, whom Eddie made wear Rey's mask, on a steel chair]
- Eddie [ripping Rey's mask off Jimmy and addressing it again]: Judgment Day, it's mine, baby! You better not show up on Judgment Day, or your kids aren't gonna have a daddy! Órale!!
- Daivari: Well, I told you what was gonna happen out here. We'll be screwed up. But Kurt, I should have said, you were the one that was gonna get screwed. I am now the manager of the World's Strongest Man, and next World Heavyweight Champion, Mark Henry.
- Michael Cole: What?
- Tazz: What the hell is going on here? Daivari's Henry's manager?
- Michael Cole: Oh my God.
- Tazz: I never saw this coming. Angle got...I...I...did he get double-crossed here? Is Daivari now manager of Mark Henry?
- Michael Cole: I'd love to know what the hell happened, but the bottom line is Daivari is managing Mark Henry.
- Tazz: Daivari knows Kurt Angle so well, Cole.
- Michael Cole: Well, nine days away from the Rumble, the #1 contender Mark Henry ended up himself as a serious threat but now with Daivari added to the mix, Kurt Angle's reign may be in trouble. As Daivari said, this is screwed up.
- Randy Orton: [clears throat] Please, please. Now, I'm not the kind of guy to come out here and say, "I told you so." But I told you so. I'm gonna compete for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania. Rey Mysterio is not. All of Rey's hopes, dreams, fantasies of having a storybook victory over me were shattered. It didn't matter who was cheering for him and it didn't matter who he dedicated his match to. I had destiny on my side. SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I had destiny on my side, a destiny, my destiny, that will be fulfilled at WrestleMania when I become the World Heavyweight Champion. Now, Kurt Angle, you're lucky, man, because that's what it took, luck, to beat the Undertaker at No Way Out and all the luck in the world couldn't help you at Wrestlemania when you step in the ring with me! And when I become world champion, I will take my rightful place at the top of this business. A business that my family built. You see, my grandfather was the greatest wrestler of his generation. My father was the greatest wrestler of his generation. And when I become World Champion, I will prove to everybody that I am the greatest wrestler of my generation. Not Kurt Angle, not the Undertaker, not Rey Mysterio, not the late, great Eddie Guerrero, no, no, no! I am without peers. Nobody is better than Randy Orton. Nobody is better than me. You people can chant what you want. You people can say whatever.. [Chavo Guerrero attacks Randy Orton]
- John "Bradshaw" Layfield [standing on the announcers' desk, waving to Rey Mysterio who is in the ring]: Como está, my amigo? Sunday, Domingo, is Judgment Day, Rey. Your judgment day, when I take that championship off your undeserving body! But I got a question for you, Rey. [to the ring announcer] Give him your microphone! Give him your microphone! [the announcer obliges and walks out of the ring. JBL addressing Rey again] You look like roadkill, vato! The last two weeks has been rough on you, Rey, ya look terrible! You don't even know which way is up, do ya? Rey! Let me ask you a question: do you even know where we are? [interrupting Rey before he could reply] Son! Son! I'll help ya: we're in Albuquerque, north Mexico. Do you even know, Rey? Look at - you got dain bramage, ese! Do you even know what year it is, Rey? [interrupting Rey before he could speak again] Rey, I'll help ya, I'll help ya...2006. Do you even know what day it is?
- Rey [walking towards JBL]: May 19th!
- JBL [feigning shock, then grinning]: You said it...I didn't!
- [JBL laughs hysterically as suddenly a fireball goes off and then Kane arrives. Rey looks shocked]
- Michael Cole: Oh...oh, my God!
- Tazz: What the hell-?
- Michael: You gotta be-
- Tazz: What, no!
- Michael: It's Kane! It's Kane! It's Kane!
- Tazz: No! No!
- Michael: JBL, you sick bastard!
- Tazz: What are you - what is going on?!
- Michael: You gotta be kiddin' me! What the hell is wrong with you?!
- Tazz: No!
- Michael: Kane! Oh my God, this is gonna be a massacre! [Kane enters the ring and immediately attacks Rey; the bell rings to start the match] Kane, beating the hell out of Mysterio!
- Tazz: You gotta be kid - I, I'm...I'm shocked!
- Michael: JBL, what the hell is wrong with you?? What the hell is wrong with you?!?
- JBL: You shouldn't upset Kane, you know what Kane hates when you say that! He shouldn't upset the Big Red Machine! This is Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger all rolled into one, except for the fact he's a living, breathing human being, and he is a walking, talking stud!
- [Chavo Guerrero appears. The crowd boos]
- Michael Cole: I can't wait to hear this. Nothing this man can say will convince me what he did to Rey Mysterio in the past two weeks was right.
- JBL: Where's your objectivity?
- Tony Chimel: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Chavo Guerrero.
- JBL: And why are you surprised? Why does Kasparov play chess? Why does Clemens pitch? It's in his DNA. It's in Chavo's DNA to be a Guerrero. I've known three generations of Guerreros; you cannot trust a Guerrero. Lie, cheat and steal, remember Michael?
- Michael: Oh yeah, I remember. That's their motto, the Guerrero motto.
- JBL: Don't look down on it, Mr. High-and-Mighty.
- Michael: Eddie Guerrero made that phrase famous.
- JBL: And this is his nephew.
- Chavo: People want to know why I screwed Rey Mysterio, why I betrayed Rey Mysterio. But first, I want to know: what is betrayal? Is betrayal stealing from another man? Is betrayal stealing his name from him? Stealing his blood? Because that's what Rey Mysterio did to me, did to my whole family, the Guerrero family. What? You don't believe me? You don't believe that Rey Mysterio is a thief? Let me tell you what he stole from me. I grew up with Eddie Guerrero. We were like brothers. We used to lie, cheat, and steal together. When Eddie passed away, we all felt it. We all felt it, we were all devastated. I retired from wrestling, I walked away from wrestling. But did Rey Mysterio? Noooo. He used the Guerrero name, Eddie's name. It seemed like every other match, Rey was dedicating the match to Eddie's memory. The Royal Rumble, No Way Out, even at WrestleMania. Every five minutes, he was mentioning Eddie's name, very, very convenient. And when Rey won the World Heavyweight Championship, it got even worse. Rey, you couldn't stand on your own, Rey, you couldn't keep the title on your own. What did you do? You used another Guerrero — me. Rey, I saved you from losing the title to JBL. I saved you from losing the title to Mark Henry. I saved you over and over and over again. But you decided to stand right here in the middle of this ring and take all the glory, and use Eddie's spotlight and Eddie's name that all of you chanted to him. At the Great American Bash, I couldn't take it anymore. And that's when I realized that Rey Mysterio, you didn't just steal Eddie from me, you didn't just steal Eddie from the Guerrero family, you stole the memory of Eddie from each and every one of these people out here, from you [points to one person in the audience], from you [points to another person in the audience]. People ask me why I did what I did. Because Rey Mysterio, you're nothing but a leech, living off the blood of the Guerrero name.
- [Rey Mysterio appears. Rey and Chavo fight each other until Vickie Guerrero appears and separates them]
- [as The Miz arrives for his WWE in-ring debut]
- Michael Cole: We are back on SmackDown! It's the debut of the Miz!
- JBL: Jerry Brisco is rolling over in his grave and Jerry's not even dead!
- [Hornswoggle attacks Jonathon Coachman.]
- JBL: Referees don't do that.
- Michael Cole: Well, when you're a McMahon, you can do whatever you want to do, right?
- JBL: Oh, that's a good point.
- John Laurinaitis: You like that, don't you?! I can't hear you! You like that, right?! You like it when somebody makes fun of their boss! Since I'm the general manager of Raw and Smackdown, I've been tough but fair! I've sometimes been generous. I've been benevolent. But you don't get it, do you? I work hard for you, the WWE Universe, and it seems like the harder I work, the more you like the crap all over me! Now, I'm not gonna blame John Cena and CM Punk for their actions. I'm gonna blame each and every one of you. You support what they do! You support what they say! It's your fault! I detest each and every one of you! YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! And if this is my last night on Smackdown, I want all you inmates to remember the last thing I say: you can all go to hell!
- Big Show: Now, the Monday before Over the Limit, I was fired. Now, a lot of you people know what that's like, but I've never been fired before. So, like most of you, I wasn't too proud to beg for my job. But, see, the difference between me and those of you that have been fired, you don't love what you do. It's just a job. I love what I do. I'm a 7-foot 440-pound giant that loves dominating people. Now, when I lost my dream job, I didn't know what to do. I had no visible means of supporting my family. I became very despondent. I couldn't speak. I couldn't eat. I could barely breathe. I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed by all my so-called friends in and out of the ring. I felt betrayed by each and every one of you. Not one of you! [audience boos] Oh, yeah. Not one of you. Not one of the superstars in the locker room. Not one member of our production or technical crew came to my defense. After all the years and all the things I've done, that's what I get? [hears "You sold out!" chants] I sold out. Is that it? I did not sell out. No, I did not sell out. After everything that I had done for you people, this is the thanks I get. I realized, at that very moment, I realized I have no friends. I realized that I am alone in this world. And then... then, I got the call. Let me ask you. When you're drowning, do you really care where the lifeline comes from? [hears "Cena" chants] So, I made a deal. If I help John Laurinaitis defeat John Cena, I got my life back. I got a new contract and a big fat bonus. All Laurinaitis had to do was, at some point during the match, escape from John Cena and it was set. I would drag Laurinaitis back to the ring like I wanted revenge. It was just a ruse for John Cena. When I threw Laurinaitis to Cena, I knew exactly what was going to happen next. With one punch, I knocked John Cena out cold. Then, I watched Laurinaitis pin John Cena for the 1-2-3. And at No Way Out, I'm gonna do it again. You see, I understand now. You people... you people really never cared about me. Never. Well, now, I damn sure don't care about you.
- Big Show: Look, I have no reason to lie about whether I punched Vince McMahon in the face last Monday on Raw on purpose or not. I have no reason to lie. If I came out here and said, "I did it on purpose," no idea, I might get fired but I would still get paid millions of dollars to stay at home and do nothing. So because I don't have to lie, I'm gonna tell you all the truth. Even... even when I was in WCW, I never really was allowed to reach my fullest potential because I was never allowed to outshine the so-called faces of the company. You know Hulk Hogan, Sting, Ric Flair, whatever. When the chance came and I finally became a free agent, everyone gave me advice. Everyone says, "You've got to go to WWE. You've got to talk to Vince McMahon. Vince McMahon can make you the biggest star in entertainment both literally and figuratively." So, I came to the WWE. I talked to Vince McMahon. So, I talked to Vince McMahon. Vince McMahon says to me, he says, [mimicking Vince McMahon] "You know, you gotta.. you gotta be a... a better businessman. You got... you got to learn to let people care about you. You got to let people in. You know, you got to learn to put on a show. Matter of fact, your name's no longer Paul Wight, your name's the Big Show." Great name. So, for 14 years, I did it Vince McMahon's way, and meanwhile, guys like John Cena, CM Punk, Randy Orton, Sheamus, they all rose to the top and I'm sitting on the sidelines. Supposed to be happy about being some kind of "special attraction"? Me, on the sidelines. I even tried it Cena's way. For ten years, I smiled, I cracked jokes, I ran to the ring slapping high-fives with the WWE Universe. I am proud that I am not John Cena. So, I think in the steel cage match, I think I'm gonna make up for lost time. I think I'm finally gonna show the world what I'm truly capable of and the best part is, I am not burden with what you people think anymore. Yes, boo me, 'cause, unlike what I did to Vince McMahon, what I do to John Cena will be extremely deliberate. It will be calculated. It will be uncomfortable. I may be a sellout to you but this Sunday, I will make John Cena suffer. For 14 years I've been in the WWE, you know, I'm looking at this Sunday, I'm looking at No Way Out, the steel cage match this Sunday, I'm looking as my first match and I will be victorious, I guarantee it.
- King Corbin: How about that, hmm? The Undertaker's final match. It just happened to be 30 years after his first match. But you guys know why they call it a boneyard match? Huh? Because that's exactly what the Undertaker is: an old bag of bones. The Undertaker's just a shell of what he used to be. I mean, he's supposed to have some storied 30-year career. Wow. Do you know how many of those years the Undertaker spent kissing the ass of a certain family? Do you know there actually used to be a club around here called the "Kiss My Ass" club? And the Undertaker, well, he was the founding member. I mean, really, a 30-year career. Nobody does that. It's impossible. Unless, unless, unless, unless you're coddled and protected by the owners. It's exactly what he was. Protected for 30 years. Undertaker, you've been stealing money from this company for the last 20 years. And you know what else, I think you're a selfish son-of-a-bitch because you've been holding superior athletes, like myself, down for a very, very long time. And now, now I gotta stand around and I gotta hear all these Hall of Famers and these legends pay their respects to the Undertaker. Matter of fact, then, all these fools come out to the stage and they chant, "Thank you, Taker." You know what? Taker, I don't thank you. Oh, don't start with that stupid chant! [audience chants "Thank you, Taker."] No, no, no, it's very simple. Matter of fact, Mark Calaway, I wanna leave you with one final thought...you suck!
- Edge: I went to WrestleMania VI; Hulk Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior. And that night, I-I knew what I needed to do with the rest of my life. A-and when I dream things, I HAVE to manifest them. That's the way things work in my world, and-and some of you may relate, but a lot of you won't because common sense isn't very common. And I did... I became a WWE Superstar. A Superstar who accomplished everything. Everything... but ending my career on my terms. Now, some of you will also say "Well, isn't that enough?", and if you have to ask "Isn't that enough?", then you have NO idea the mentality it takes — to see the heights that I've seen... to fight back for your career for 9 years. See, I didn't walk away from this: I had this ripped away from me! I didn't try to forge another career off the back of this; THIS IS ALL that I wanted to do! And I fought... and I ripped my career right back outta fate's hands. I didn't come back for some "Greatest Hits" tour; to be a shell of my former self. I came back to steal the show, TO MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA! And I missed 9 of 'em, so I won't apologize for that. So Daniel Bryan... (scoffs) you come out here saying this could be your last WrestleMania — Have you heard, everyone? This could be Daniel Bryan's last WrestleMania. A month in your career's like a YEAR in mine; WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS FOR ME?! So you... you use sympathy as a factor to weasel your way into this match, and then, before that, though, you had these ridiculous ideas: "Well, why don't I face the winner of Roman and Edge?" I'm assuming right after we face each other, well that got shot down. Okay, fine. "Well, why don't I face Edge on the Saturday of WrestleMania and the winner faces Roman on the Sunday?" Well, that got shot down. But, somehow, this has now been made a Triple Threat Match. Which means, Daniel Bryan can pin Roman Reigns, and I have nothing to do with that. That... that could happen. So, instead of a 1-on-1 match, a clash of the titans between TWO ERAS, now we have some indie, book store... c-clerk... troll sticking his nose in our business. Now Roman Reigns... you walk around here, man, like everyone owes you something, like you created this. I don't owe you anything. In fact, you owe ME. I mean, let's run it back: You came into the WWE in a 3-man group... you made your entrance through the crowd... you use a Spear as your finisher, well who set that template for you? You're Samoan Edge. (chuckles) But I will say... you're good. You always have been, and I seen what you've become. I came back to swing for the fences, and Roman, you are the Green Monster. And now we had our match ripped away from us, and not only that, but the fans have had it ripped away from them. And I think some of them are on to Daniel Bryan now, except for the, the lemmings who chant "Yes!" just like they used to chant "What?". And somewhere, in all of this, SOMEWHERE, in ALL of this, t-the fact that has been lost is that this match takes place 10 years to the day, w-when I was forced to retire. It's not mentioned; no video packages, no social media platforms, no... touching videos with piano music as the bed. No, NOTHING. Anyone else? If that's Daniel Bryan, that narrative is driven into the GROUND. A-and, wh-why? Why am I having to remind everyone of this? It's because since I've been back, I have not received the respect that I deserve. I-I fought back from a torn triceps to enter the Royal Rumble, start number 1, outlast 29 other Superstars and punch my ticket to the main event of WrestleMania. I shouldn't have to jump through hoops! I have come back from something that no one, NO ONE, in the history of sports — let alone sports entertainment — has ever come back from: Nine years! A TRIPLE FUSION IN MY NECK!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAIN THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH TO GET THIS BACK!!!! You wanna call me some kind of "part-timer"? You think I'm gonna come out here and phone it in? I am doing hurricanranas off the top rope! I am competing at a level that NO ONE has ever done from this type of injury! That is a slap in the face to me, and my work ethic! So now... it's time for me... to take, and demand, the respect that I deserve. You will put respect on my name! In case you forgot, in case you never knew; I AM THE RATED-R SUPERSTAR! You can call it "fate", you can call it "God's will", you can call it whatever the Hell you want. I am the NEXT Universal Champion... because I've DREAMT IT... and now... I will MANIFEST IT.