WWE SmackDown!

WWE SmackDown is a professional wrestling television program that originally debuted as a special on April 29, 1999 and formally became a weekly show on August 26, 1999.

2000

January 13

[Mick Foley as Mankind appears while Triple H insults a fake Mankind on the ring]

Mick Foley: Triple H, that is enough! Is this what you get off on? Making fun of me? How much more, do you want from me? First, you take away my job, then you bring this idiot out there and you take away my dignity then Monday night, in what should have been the greatest night of my life when I was reinstated on RAW is WAR, you take me and you ruin my shirt and you ruin my face and I'll be honest when I stepped onto the shower and I let the cold water run down on my head and I looked down at the pool of blood as it swirled down the shower drain, I started thinking a little big about what Mankind was. Well, Mankind is an entertaining son of a gun. Mankind is a pretty damn good author, Mankind is one tough SOB and Mankind is one hell of a fighter. So it saddens me to say that after the beating you gave me on Monday night one thing Mankind is not is ready to face you in a streetfight at the Royal Rumble in Madison Square Garden because you are without a doubt, The Game. You are the best in the business right now and as you said Mankind in some ways is nothing more than a beaten-up pathetic fool. But I think the WWF fans deserve a substitute in that match. What I'm gonna do, Triple H, is I'm gonna name him right now - as a matter of fact, I think you know the guy. [walks down, removes mask and shirt, revealing the Cactus Jack Wanted Dead shirt to huge response] And I think you know him pretty damn well. His name, is Cactus Jack! And his first official act as part of the WWF is to kick your teeth all over the city of Chicago!

February 24

[The Rock appears as a tagteam match between him with Chris Jericho against Kurt Angle and the Big Show is set for the night]

The Rock: Chris Jericho, the Rock says that tag-team wrestling really isn't in his repertoire, but tonight, the Rock will team with you as long the Rock can get that Olympic goof to know his role and shut his mouth! But then again, the Rock could care less about Kurt Angle. The only reason he would pair you is to get his hands, on the Big Show. Big Show, the Rock says this: He's heard your complaints, he has seen your footage, and the Rock says you are absolutely right. The Rock says you're right, the Rock's feet did touch the ground first and you are right the Rock did call you a jabroni, and you are right, these people - the Rock's people - boo your candyass! [Rocky chants] Well Big Show, you wanna know why they boo you? You know why they don't treat you with the respect that you think you deserve? Well you see the Rock has a little bit of video footage of his own. The Rock has some video footage of the one thing you think you do best so the Rock says roll the footage. [clip of Rock mocking Big Show's chokeslam arm and battlecry; Big Show fumes] Now Big Show, just in case you didn't digest that, let's look at it one more time from a different angle! [front-view clip of Rock mocking Big Show again] Now Big Show, seeing as you have a third-grade education, maybe you will understand it one more time in slow motion. [The Rock makes a fake slowmo shot of Big Show's tell] You see Big Show that is why they boo you. That is why they don't treat you with respect, because you whine, you bitch, you moan, and complain [mock whining] But me? Why? Why you boo me? You should chant me don't boo me - [normal] oh shut your mouth! Big Show, the Great One says this - he realizes you're seven feet, he realizes that you are 500 pounds and the Rock realizes that you are without a shadow of a doubt, the biggest threat in the Rock's career and come No Way Out, don't worry about the crowds, come No Way Out don't worry about whether or not they boo you. The only thing you should worry about, Big Show, is this - is how you're gonna stop the Brahma Bull from kicking your candyass and going to WrestleMania. If you SMELLL, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!

April 27

[Having had enough of the Stone Cold Steve Austin-themed pranks they had all night long, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime calls out The Rock on his earlier warning that Austin was indeed in the area]

The Rock: The Rock promised that Stone Cold was gonna be here tonight, and the Rock is a man and a half living up to his word, and always keeps his promises! Now all night long, the Rock has thoroughly enjoyed watching all your candy asses get confused, get paranoid. The beer, the rattlesnake, the only regret is that the Rattlesnake didn't bite one of you in your candy asses! Shane McMahon, beating up the cardboard cutout of Stone Cold. Real tough. Triple H, beating up the Stone Cold lookalike in a bathroom! Well, who do you think the Rock is? The Rock doesn't dress like Stone Cold, The Rock doesn't talk like Stone Cold, the Rock doesn't even look like Stone Cold... but [gestures to Smackdown screen] HE looks like Stone Cold. [Austin appears on screen]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Hell, I understand you jackasses have been looking for me. Hell, I'm at the parking lot, I've been here in out all night long! Now there seems to be some concern over whose side Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna be on this Sunday at Backlash. Will Stone Cold Steve Austin be looking to favor Triple H or will Stone Cold Steve Austin be on the side of The Rock. That's an easy one for Stone Cold to answer, because the answer to that is, I'm gonna be on the side I've always been on and that's mine! But what I've got right now, is a little demonstration for ya, to any one of you little grubby bastards that thinks they're gonna get their hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, there's a lot of people out there that are good at construction, a lot of people good at building little things with their hands. Hell it seems the only thing I've ever been good at is tearing shit up. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm good at deconstruction, so what we got here [tears off label in crane, revealing AUSTIN DECONSTRUCTION] is my own little toy and Stone Cold Steve Austin's got just a little example of what might happen [gets in control booth] if anybody gets their little grubby meathooks on me!

Michael Cole: Where is he, King?

Jerry Lawler: He's in a parking lot.

Austin: [sets up controls] Oh that's what I'd like to hear.

Cole: What the hell is he doing? [sees Austin set up a concrete barrier over the DX Express bus] Wait a minute, that's the DX Express!! [Austin drops barrier on the bus and the bus explodes] Holy cow! Do you believe that? The DX... Express bus just exploded!!

Lawler: It's on fire!

Austin: And that's what's gonna happen to anybody that tries to mess with Stone Cold Steve Austin this Sunday at Backlash AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, 'CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!

Lawler: He's demolished the DX Express!

Cole: Oh hell yeah, Stone Cold is back! Austin 3:16 says, "I just wrecked your bus!" Sunday night, King, at Backlash, on pay-per-view could be the Rock's night 'cause Stone Cold said so!

May 11

Vince McMahon: Now, I understand, that there are a number of you... [hears "Asshole!" chants] I understand that there are a number of you... I understand that... I understand that some of you feel as though that the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, last Monday on Raw, just wasn't fair to Chris Jericho. I understand that many of you feel as though, since the McMahon-Helmsley Faction made Chris Jericho compete on three different occasions, defending the Intercontinental title until he lost it, that it just wasn't fair. Well, that's just too damn bad. Because, if you don't think it was fair Monday, you're probably the same kind of people who wait in line, you wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up, you wait in line, waiting your turn, and then you'll see someone like myself, very aggressively cut in the front of the line, and you'll say, "Wait a minute! That's not fair!" And what about the parking lot, we've all been there. There you are, patiently waiting for your little parking space, and it suddenly appears, you start driving your car - Oop! Someone zips in, cuts you off, parks their car, and you say "Wait a minute! That's MY parking space, that's not fair!" What about, what about on those few occasions, when you will honestly and objectively, look into the full-length mirror? [senses reactions] Alright, now we're getting somewhere. And you women, look into the mirror, and you look at yourselves, and you say "Ewwww, eeeeh. Look at the cellulite hanging from my hips and my buttocks! That's not fair!" And you men, you men won't come close to the mirror! But on that occasion where you might take a quick glimpse, you say "Oh, That can't be me. No, that can't be me with the pot belly, and the small genitalia! Oh no, that's not fair!" And you look at yourselves. Go ahead, look at yourselves! Look at the person sitting next to you, yeah, look at ‘em! Look at the person sitting in front of you! Go ahead, look at all of you! You look at yourselves, and you compare yourselves to the beautiful people here in this ring, and you say "THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And, forget about the looks, what about [makes money gesture] the money, huh? What about the money?! Uh-huh! You scrimp and you save, you work yourselves half to death, and still, you can't afford what you really want? "That's not fair!" It's not fair that some people are rich and you're not! "That's not fair!" And you know, you have to face the facts, that the vast majority of you are just born with inferior DNA. And you say "It's not fair I'm born with inferior DNA!" but you feel sorry for yourselves, you wallow in your self-pity, and then you have to face the facts, that life is... not... fair. And some of you, a select few, you might as well go ahead and admit it, you might as well own up to the philosophy, for some of you, and that is that - Life sucks, and then you die!!

May 18

[Gerald Brisco has just put his finger on a snoring Crash Holly with the referee silently counting the pin]

Jerry Lawler: [whispers] Gerald Brisco is the Hardcore Champion.

Michael Cole: [whispers as well while Brisco is elated and is given the belt without speaking] You gotta be kidding me!

Lawler: Gerald Brisco has the Hardcore Title, so get them to tune in the music. It will wake up Crash. [Brisco and the referee try to sneak out] Gerald Brisco is - [but the referee stumbles on a chair, which wakes up Crash. Brisco scrambles]

Cole: Wait a minute!

Crash Holly: Where's my belt?!? Hey you... [to ref] come with me [to Brisco] hey!!!

Lawler: [as Crash and the ref chase Brisco] Look at this!

Cole: King, Gerald Brisco had the Hardcore title from Crash while he was sleeping [Lawler laughs] and the chase is on!

May 25

[Vince McMahon and Gerald Brisco go to the loading dock to see the Rock arrive on a limo, but Vince wants no part of the Rock]

Vince McMahon: I'm not looking for trouble tonight. I'm not looking for trouble, I've had enough for one night. You don't even know what's happened here to me, all right. Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, I understand that and you should know, I know you're angry with me but the Undertaker, wait a minute, the Undertaker, he's the reason why you're not the WWF Champion. The Undertaker himself disqualified you for outside- it was The Undertaker's fault, that's why you're not the WWF Champion, but wait a minute, I know you're still angry with me, and this is what I want: just to show you there's no hard feelings, I want you to take the night off, Rock. I want you to take [Rock looks at Vince laying hand on him] Rock, settle down, please just take the night off that's all I ask. No hard feelings, I don't want anymore trouble, not tonight, okay? Please.

The Rock: So the Rock's got the night off?

Vince: The Rock's got the night off, okay? I mean it's about time.

The Rock: Night off for the Rock.

Vince: A night off for the Rock.

The Rock: The Rock doesn't go to SmackDown.

Vince: Not a thing, no sir, okay? Have a good night, Rock. [Rock gets back to limo; to driver] Driver, you take him anyplace he wants to go, alright? It's on me. Anyplace he wants to go. Allright? Gerald.

Gerald Brisco: You did a good job.

Vince: Thank you.

The Rock: [calls out from window] Oh Vince, Vince, by the way, before you leave, before the Rock leaves, come here for a second, Rock wants to tell you one thing. [Vince is curious] Come a little closer, you don't want the driver to hear this, Vince. [Vince gets closer, close enough for the Rock to slap him]

Vince: [as he reels from the slap and Brisco takes him away] You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! [walks off] You son of a bitch!

[As Vince and Gerald walk off, the Undertaker appears from the side, following them]

August 3

[Triple H is waiting for Stephanie McMahon, but Trish Stratus approaches him and says she's embarrassed over the ending of their tag-team match against The Rock and Lita on Raw]

Triple H: You're embarrassed?

Trish Stratus: I know, you know what, I hope things work out between you and Stephanie.

HHH: [angered by what she just said] Hope that things work out between me and Stephanie? I'll tell you what, this whole thing is your fault. It's your fault that I haven't talked to my wife in three days. It's your fault she won't speak to me. You know what Trish, you know what you can do? You can do me a really big favor. [points arm far away] Get away from me. Get out, just get away and don't come back. Stay away from me. [shoos Trish off] You're bad news!!

October 5

[Mick Foley argues with Stone Cold Steve Austin over his investigation of who ran down Austin at Survivor Series and the fact that no suspects came up. Austin laments being back but is disappointed at the lack of progress in the investigation]

Mick Foley: When I headed down to the ring on Monday night, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking If it was anybody else interfering in matches, they'd be gone and out of the WWF. And I'm also thinking about 1991 and 1992, Steve Austin and Mick Foley splitting a 20-dollar room to save a few bucks, riding in a little crapbox car to save a few bucks so I'm thinking maybe I'd just try to save face with the boys, maybe I'd give Steve Austin a little fine, a little slap on the wrist, thinking by this point in your life, you've saved enough money that no amount of fine I give you is gonna mean a damn anyway. But then what you did Steve, you went and you put your hands on me and all of a sudden my decision changed because you left me no other alternative but starting now, until we find out who ran you over, to suspend you indefinitely!

Steve Austin: Well, then I want to ask you one time, Stone Cold Steve Austin to Mick Foley, to reconsider.

Foley: When I said that you've left me no other alternative, that was my answer. The answer is no.

Austin: And when you said no, you left Stone Cold Steve Austin no alternative - [lays down a Stunner on Foley]

October 12

[After the revelation on RAW of Rikishi running down Stone Cold Steve Austin, a police officer warns him against retaliation under threat of jail for vehicular manslaughter and murder, but when he rolls up his truck window on the officer, Jim Ross later tries to talk some sense into him]

Jim Ross: Steve. [taps on the window] Steve. Steve, I just want to talk to you. [taps] Steve. Come on! [Austin rolls down window] Steve, you can't do this. You can't sit here and run down Rikishi. Do you hear that cop's saying? You'll go to jail! Hell he ain't worth it, he ain't worth it to you running him down. [closer] Steve, you've got to listen to reason! You got to -[Austin glares at him; JR steps back] All right easy.... [leaves]

November 30

[Kurt Angle comes out after Mick Foley announces a Hell in Cell match for him, Triple H, Rikishi, The Undertaker, The Rock, and Stone Cold Steve Austin at Armageddon]

Kurt Angle: Mick Foley, you have finally lost your mind! A Hell in a Cell? What is wrong with you? I've done nothing but defend this title with respect, honor, and class. I'm not a cheater! I'm not the Minnesota Timberwolves of the WWF! This match is completely barbaric! It's true!

Mick Foley: Yeah, yeah, it's true, it is true. You were really on a roll. It is barbaric, no doubt about it, and it is brutal, but you and in some ways, all of these men, have left me no other alternative. Make no mistake about it at Armageddon there will be hell taking place inside that cell until there is one WWF Champion and one more time, on more time, if anybody gets physically involved tonight, then that person loses their title shot, and Kurt Angle if it's you who decides to act a little bit funny tonight, then I will STRIP YOU of the WWF title - and I will strip you right here, in Minneapolis, Minnesota! [Angle is highly distraught]

Triple H: [to Angle] Wow, sucks to be you doesn't it? [to Foley] You know Foley, it sounds ironic that you stand in that ring as the commissioner making a Hell in a Cell match, when... jeez, wasn't it a Hell in a Cell match that's the reason you're now the commissioner? I mean, let me refresh your memory, it was a Hell in a Cell match where I beat you half to death and retired your ass! So Foley, all your little stipulations to your match, are just fine with me, but before I go, let me introduce to everybody, somebody very special to me, I'd like to bring out here, my beautiful wife, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!

2001

July 12

[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd in light of the Alliance declaring war on the WWF]

Vince McMahon: Allow me to introduce to you the greatest WWF Champion of all time. Allow me to introduce to you the man, who'll lead Team WWF into Invasion. Allow me to introduce you to the man, who'll lead the Undertaker, Kane, Jericho and Angle into Invasion. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Stone Cold Steve Austin! [Austin heads down to the ring] You know Stone Cold, they say that since WrestleMania, you've changed. You maybe have. They say, that since WrestleMania, you've become more selfish than ever before, you've become uncaring. Matter of fact, many individuals feel as all, you've changed so much since WrestleMania, quite frankly you've become a very proficient brown-noser. [Austin reacts] Wait a minute, wait a minute. That's what some people say, they say, you've changed and I think you have changed. As far as the WWF Champion is concerned I think you've changed for the better. But quite frankly, when we approach the single greatest threat to the World Wrestling Federation ever at Invasion, you know, I'm not so sure that, we don't need another change Stone Cold. I mean, quite frankly, the man that I need to lead Team WWF, even though I've appreciated it, is not the Stone Cold Steve Austin who gives me hugs. I don't need the leader of Team WWF, the Stone Cold Steve Austin that... that gives me gifts, cowboy hats and... and Steve you had your wife Debra make me cookies. Steve, I don't need the kind of Stone Cold Steve Austin, that strums a guitar and sings to me to lead me and lead Team WWF into Invasion, that's not what I need, Steve. Dammit, you know what I need? You know who I need? I need the old Stone Cold! I need the Stone Cold Steve Austin who's a beer-swilling, foul-mouth SOB! I need the kind of Stone Cold Steve Austin who don't take no shit from anybody. I need the kind of HELL-RAISING, HELL-RAISING Stone Cold Steve Austin! I need the kind of Stone Cold Steve Austin, who not that long ago that would look at Mr. McMahon and if I parted my hair the wrong way, you would knock me on my ass! That's the kind of leadership I need from you Stone Cold! I need you to lead Team WWF into Invasion, I need the OLD Stone Cold! Are you listening to me, dammit?! Huh? Do you want to knock me on my ass now? Huh? Come on, I can feel it, I know I can feel it can feel it in my guts! COME ON, COME ON, NAIL ME! COME ON, KNOCK ME DOWN! KNOCK ME DOWN! If you want Stone Cold Steve Austin to beat THE LIVING HELL out of Vince McMahon, give me a HELL YEAH! [crowd chants Hell YEAH! in response]

[Austin shakes his head at Vince and walks out of the ring]

Steve, wait, Steve, wait, Steve, don't leave this ring. Steve? [calls out a Austin leaves] Stone Cold? Stone Cold! I need you! I need you, Austin, to lead Team WWF! I need you at Invasion, Austin! Dammit, Stone Cold, turn around! Come back! Give me a stunner, dammit! [Austin stops, but leaves] Come back! Austin! AUSTIN! GIVE ME A STUNNER! Stone Cold! [drops mic]

August 9

[Rhyno attacks Chris Jericho after his match with Hugh Morrus]

Michael Cole: Wait a minute! Rhyno! Rhyno from The Alliance ambushing, attacking Jericho from behind! Where the hell did he come from?

Tazz: Well I guess Jericho's mouth will be shut finally.

Cole: Rhyno, on that steel ramp, [Rhyno suplexes Jericho on the ramp] suplexing Jericho! His back and head, bouncing off that steel!

Tazz: Shut his mouth, Rhyno! Shut it!

Cole: Wait a minute! [Rhyno is calling for Jericho to get up] Oh my God! What the hell's Rhyno doing?

Tazz: Can you feel it Cole? Can you feel it?! [Rhyno charges at Jericho and gores him through the SmackDown! titantron]

Cole: A Gore!

Tazz: YEAH!

Cole: A Gore! A Gore through the screen!

Tazz: Y2J just got Gored into the next millennium! Shut his mouth!

Cole: Rhyno with that devastating Gore through that video screen, and onto the steel behind, and Jericho grimacing in pain!

Tazz: That was amazing! I don't hear Jericho yapping now, do I?

September 13

Vince McMahon: Tonight - tonight, the spirit of America...lives...here...in Houston, Texas! On behalf of everyone here in the arena, and a worldwide television audience, we would like to extend our condolences to the victims, and the families and friends of the victims of the terrorist acts that occurred on Tuesday in New York City and Washington, DC. Our nation's leaders have encouraged us to continue to live our lives...the American way...they've encouraged us to practice and exercise our Constitutional rights. And, as such, tonight I believe this is the first public assembly of its size since the tragedy of Tuesday. Make - make NO MISTAKE about what - and make no mistake about the message this public assembly is sending to terrorism tonight. And that message, quite simply, is that we will not live our lives in fear. The citizens of Houston are NOT afraid...the citizens of Texas are, indeed, not afraid...and by God, the citizens of the United States are not afraid! For we are a proud people - proud of who we are, proud of our nation, and damn proud to be Americans!

Crowd: [chanting] USA!

McMahon: And we...and we will fight. We will fight for our families, we will fight for our rights, and we will fight for our great nation. America's heart has been wounded. But her spirit - her spirit shines as a beacon of freedom - a beacon of freedom that never has been, nor ever will be extinguished. The World Wrestling Federation would like to thank each and every one of you here in the Compaq Center tonight. The World Wrestling Federation would like to thank each and every one of you watching on television. We would like to thank you for the honor and privilege of performing before you here tonight.

---

Edge: I was actually contemplating whether to do this or not, because I don't know if all of you really care what Edge, or better yet Adam Copeland has to say about this. What else can be said? And I actually contemplated whether this show was the right thing to do. And once I contemplated it, I decided that, as the WWF family, we need to do our job tonight, and our job is to bring smiles to the faces of all your families. And if we can do that, then we've done our jobs, and...this can't be forgotten, it shouldn't be forgotten, and it never will be forgotten...but if we can do that, then this show was the right thing to do. And, I'd just like to send my prayers out to all those affected.

---

The Rock: First and foremost, I have to say that I can't fathom or comprehend the pain and the suffering and the anguish that the families and friends of the victims are going through...the workers, working diligently, 24 hours a day - sifting through the rubble and looking for...any remnants of life. It's difficult...to talk about this and I will say that I can't...I couldn't imagine what it must be like to be there, I couldn't imagine, I couldn't imagine if my own family were there. I, ah, I will offer my condolences and certainly say that everyone is in my heart and in my prayers, and I umm - I just wanna say to everyone out there, again to the families and friends of the victims and everyone involved is to...just stay strong. Stay strong.

---

Chris Jericho: To be quite honest, I'd like to, I'd rather be in New York City going through the rubble and seeing what I could do to help right now...but since I'm not, maybe - maybe we can help in a different way - maybe we can begin with ourselves, and maybe we can learn from this and become a more peaceful nation and a more peaceful race in the long run. Umm...by being a little bit nicer to each other. I think it's one thing that we've learned from this is that we never know what's gonna happen tomorrow, in the next five minutes, in the next ten minutes. And maybe above everything else, ah, you know, maybe tonight, you know, hug your loved one a little bit harder, or give him or her an extra kiss. Be a little big nicer to a stranger on the street. Be a little more kind, a little more gentle. Um, like I said, if anything else. that our fate and our destiny lies in our hands now...

---

Lita: Uh, I really - I don't know what to say about something so...devastatingly evil...uh, that could even make a difference to anyone, so, um...I try to delve below, I've got, you know, this layer of numbness over me and I try to discover the emotions that I have and they're, you know, sadness, anger, fear, help- helplessness, it's like all in one, you know, and so we start to look for answers. I mean, who would do something like this? Why? What are they trying to accomplish? You know, it's...we don't understand. We start to watch...and we get some of the suspects, and the motives, you know, for an event like this, and...but what I wanna know, what do the answers solve? It doesn't change anything that's happened. And, um, you know, I've watched the TV ever since Tuesday morning like I'm sure everyone else has, and um...the only thing that's changed is become more of a reality, and um...all I can say is I've never felt anything like this, um, personally or on a national level. Um, I can't...um, I would never have the audacity to say that I do know what to do in a situation like this. Um, but on a personal level, whenever I have a problem, large, small of any level, it always begins with stopping everything and taking a deep breath. So tonight I hope the entertainment that we provide for you can help you kinda relax and get your mind off things, just for a short time so that you can relax, maybe start to take that first deep breath.

---

Tazz: Ahh, besides the Pentagon and the plane that went down outside of Pittsburgh, and all the bomb scares in New York, it's scary for me right now, to be here in Houston and be this far from my family, my parents live in Staten Island, um, my wife and son, I'm just worried, you know, because of all these bomb scares, and I just wanna be there to protect them and be there with them and I'm not - I gotta do what I gotta do and I'm here and I miss her and I miss my son, and ah...these people who are responsible for this - you know, they're gonna pay, and they're gonna pay hard. And I don't know who it was, the president or one of these Senator people, they said you know, we're gonna bring 'em to justice. Well to me that's a load o' crap. Don't bring 'em to justice, bring 'em down - to their knees, to their stomach - until they're not breathing. You gotta fight force with force, and that's just what they did, and...I don't know when I'm going home...but it'll be in New York, that's where my home is, and I can't wait to go home, uh...I don't know what home looks like now, so...

---

Bubba Ray Dudley: The one thing I did wanna say is that there's an old saying, "that which does not kill us makes us stronger." And yes, a lotta people died, but you can't kill America, and you can't kill American spirit. And somebody's gonna pay for this, and I hope it's soon, and...

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Bradshaw: You know, I have heard and I have seen the cowardly acts that have happened before. The extermination of Jews by some maniac in Germany. The bombing of a federal building in Oklahoma City by some maniac. And now some maniac has attacked America - attacked innocent men, women and children...husbands, fathers, parents...all because of some religious belief, or some other motive that he has, these people had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you. We're running this show tonight because we're gonna show you that you cannot break, you cannot even bend the fiber, the backbone of the United States of America. There's gonna be some critics. There's gonna be some critics that wonder why we run this show. I wanna make this perfectly clear: go to hell. We're doin' this show because we love America. This is all we have to give you for tonight is this, is this evening. If I had to, I'd give my life, readily, for this country. I have relatives who have done that, who are buried overseas, who are buried in many different places. I would do the same thing 'cause I love this great country. George W. was one of the greatest governors of the state of Texas - it's time he become - it's time he will become a great president. You guys who are out there, we're gonna find your ass. We're gonna make whatever country's hiding you into a stinking parking lot. God bless this country - God bless this great state I live in, and God rest the sorry son of a (beep) that did this. We will find you.

---

Kurt Angle: I just wanna say that my heart, my thoughts and my prayers go to the victims and their families. And you know, all my life I've always wanted to do something special to be considered an American hero. And after winning the Olympic gold medal at the Olympics, some people would consider me to be an American hero. But after watching this terrible tragedy - now I know who the true American heroes are. They're the police officers and the firemen, and the doctors and nurses, and the paramedics, and all the people that stretched out their arms to help the victims and their families. They're the true American heroes. THEY deserve a gold medal. Or better yet...they earned the right to be called Americans. It's true.

---

Stone Cold Steve Austin: I don't have anything philosophical to say or anything that's gonna change the world. I just know that I was given an opportunity to speak about what's happening, so all I have to offer is my opinion...and...and my opinion, what I think is the people who did this are a buncha complete cowards. Ah, my heart goes out to anybody that lost loved ones in this whole ordeal. And uh...I think that tonight, by going back to work with the World Wrestling Federation, I think it's...uh...I think it's the thing to do. It feels strange, and I've had this uh, I've had this bad feeling come over me ever since this whole thing has happened and it doesn't seem like I can shake it. But uh, as a person, and I think as a country I think we have to shake it. We have to mourn the losses of the people that we knew, but we have to, uh...we have to get back - we have to get the gears rollin' again, and that's what we're here to do tonight. Uh, what happened this past Tuesday was the worst thing that I've ever seen in my life, and I hope that I never ever see anything like this again, except, to the people that when we find out who did this get a payback, because they deserve a payback, and they deserve exactly what they have comin'...

---

Booker T: I just wanna give my condolences to everyone who had, you know, who was involved, you know, everybody who was on the flights, you know, all the - all the firemen, all the policemen who...as soon as the thing happened, they rushed in there to help someone, they just wanted to save someone and to lose their own life is - is tragic, but those guys, in our eyes, in history is always gonna be remembered as - as heroes. That's the way I feel about 'em, and...for something like this to happen here in America, you know, it's givin' everybody uncertainty...it's, you know, can we go out of our houses, and you know it's kinda crazy right now but I know it's gonna make us stronger, it's gonna pull us together, it's gonna make us a better people...

---

Stephanie McMahon: A few years ago, some people tried to destroy my family. They attacked my father's reputation, they attacked my mother's reputation, and they attacked the World Wrestling Federation. They tried to rip us apart...but all they did was make my family stronger. And that's exactly how America feels right now. Because on Tuesday, America was attacked. Because America is a united nation. And together, we stand strong. I am incredibly proud to be an American citizen, and I will stand up for my rights and my freedom.

---

Albert: Waking up on the morning of Tuesday, September 11th, to turn the TV on, to see the tragedy that took place left a feeling of disgust in the pit of my stomach. Never before have I ever seen nor heard of something so tragic. My only hope is, once again, America can pull together and overcome this tragedy. And we pray for the victims, the families who have lost their loved ones, to the people who are helping save people who may still be alive, and that swift justice is brought to the cowards - the faceless cowards that perpetrated this. God bless America and I truly hope that we can overcome this.

September 20

[Kurt Angle has interrupted Stone Cold Steve Austin's match with Tajiri]

Kurt Angle: You know, Austin? When you threw my gold medals over that bridge a few weeks ago, you threw a piece of America into that water and I will never forgive you for that! Nor will I forgive you for what you tried to do to me tonight. Now I see you for who you truly are. You're a desperate man Austin. You don't wanna face me for the WWF title this Sunday at Unforgiven. Because when you look at me, when you look into my eyes, LOOK AT MY EYES! You know that I am the one man that in your mind, in your heart, and deep down in your soul, can beat you! And this Sunday at Unforgiven, I will walk out of my hometown the WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION! OH IT'S TRUE! IT'S DAMN TRUE! And I promise you that I will have no forgiveness for you!

November 1

Kurt Angle: My name is Kurt Angle. And I'd like to answer some questions I've been getting from you fans ever since last Monday night. Questions like, "Why?" "What were you thinking?" "How could you do this to your country?" Well, let me assure all of you I'm still your Olympic hero. I'm still an American hero. I'm still everything that makes this country great, and you know why? Because I'm a winner! And with Survivor Series coming up, I started to think, who else is a winner? Who do I want on my side when everything's on the line? Well, let's see. Undertaker? He's been here forever, and what has he accomplished? I've done more in two years than he's done in a decade. Kane? Kane's not a winner. He's a follower. A guy who lets the man who burned him as a child lead him around on a leash? Just pathetic! Chris Jericho? Rock? Please! Those are the two most egomaniacal, self-absorbed jerks in the history of the business. I'm supposed to put my career in the hands of these four? I don't think so! There's only one man, one man who I can trust to get the job done. There's only one man who typifies everything this country should be. A role model to anyone who wants to be a winner. And that man is Stone Cold Steve Austin. Think about it. No Mercy, SummerSlam, King of the Ring, Judgment Day, to name a few. And oh yeah, WrestleMania after WrestleMania after WrestleMania. Does Austin cheat? Yes. Does he play fair? No. When it's all on the line, does he get the job done? Oh hell yeah! And that's who I want on my team. I feel safe putting my career in his hands. We may not be the best of friends, but the man backs up what he says. He is without a doubt, the toughest S.O.B. I've ever faced. And the bottom line is, the guy knows how to win. Because people, as much as I love my country, and I do, I love my job. And I'll be damned if I'm going to put my job in jeopardy by teaming with some WWF losers. And any of you people would do the same thing. In fact, how dare you people be upset with me! Hey, I didn't lie. I never said I wasn't defecting. I still have my intensity, my integrity, and my intelligence. [camera zooms out revealing Shane McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin standing side-by-side by Angle] And now that I'm on the side of Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shane McMahon, I know I'll be employed after Survivor Series. And you fans will still get to see your Olympic hero for a long, long time. Oh, it's true. It's damn true.

Shane McMahon: Very good. [shakes Angle's hand] Very good.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: I'm proud of you.

Angle: Thanks. [pats Austin's WWF Championship]

Austin: Don't touch.

November 15

Paul Heyman: In just a few moments, at my leisure, I'm gonna call Vince McMahon out to his ring in front of his public on a television show that's owned by his grand company. At least, that is, until this Sunday at Survivor Series. I know how much you people appreciate what Shane and Stephanie and I have done. How Shane and Stephanie and I have stood up to the tyranny of Vince McMahon. And the way it is ladies and gentlemen is quite simple: the World Wrestling Federation will die this Sunday. But don't blame me for that. It's not my fault. I'm not the one who ruined everything that was accomplished by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

You see, at Survivor Series, it means so much more than just the personalities that are involved. It's about ending what Vince McMahon has tried to accomplish. I sat there at that desk on Monday and I listened to Mick Foley, and I agreed with everything Mick Foley had to say; that the WWF truly does suck! [miffed at boos] Don't boo me! Have you watched the television show lately? Vince McMahon has lost his mind! The man doesn't have it anymore! He's a has-been. His ideas are antiquated. His concepts are draconian and Mick Foley was right because the WWF is imploding from within. Like every great empire, the WWF is imploding from within. Vince's loyal employees, like Stone Cold, left him, like Mick Foley wants nothing to do with him, Vince's own children want him to burn in Hell, and I don't blame 'em. Vince McMahon will see the WWF die this Sunday at Survivor Series and he has no hope to save his precious company. Vince McMahon has the same chances of saving the WWF as he did of realizing his dream of starting a football league! [Vince McMahon comes to the ring as Heyman kneels before him, but he stands up]

I want you to know that I was down on my knees because I know you're used to men kissing your ass, Vinnie. Every time you walk in the back, there's Patterson and Brisco, 'Oh, what a great idea you had, Vince!' [mocks ass-kissing] You like men kissing your ass, don't you, Vince? Because that's what you're all about; a billionaire! The billionaire, Vince McMahon! The creator of sports entertainment! I've waited so long to see you face to face like this. And I've waited so long to tell you to your face that I hate your stinking guts but it's not just me, it's your children that hate your stinking guts, Vince, and at Survivor Series, your children are gonna do to you what I've waited my whole life to see someone do to you, Vince. You are, so help me God, the most disgusting, vile, son of a bitch I've ever seen in my life.

You took Hulk Hogan's blood and you built Titan Towers. You stole Bret Hart's dream, and with that money, bought yourself an airplane with 'WWF' all over it. You did that, and you know it, you son of a bitch! You stole Shawn Michaels' smile, took your company public, and made yourself a billionaire. But not a self-made billionaire, like you like to tell everybody you are, oh no. See, you're a billionaire on other people's hard work. Your father - your father, Vince McMahon - your father went around the country and shook the hand of every... [sees Vince's glare] You know I'm telling the truth don't you? You know in your heart that I'm telling you the truth... that your father shook the hand of every promoter in this country and swore to them that he'd never compete against them, that his son would never compete against them.

And when your father DIED, you competed! And with your ruthless, merciless, take-no-prisoners attitude, you drove everybody out of business, didn't you, Vince? You ran all the competition into the ground and you stole all their ideas and you made yourself a billionaire out of it! And you know whose ideas you stole the most, Vince? You stole mine! You see, I don't give a damn about Don Owen and Sam Mushnick and Jim Crockett; I care about what you did to me and my family. How you stole my dreams, how you stole MY legacy, how you stole everything that ECW represented. Because while Doink the Clown had green hair and a rubber nose, Stone Cold Steve Austin was drinking his first beer in ECW, damn you. While Bobby Heenan and Gene Okerlund were dancing around singing "Tutti Frutti", ECW was producing the edgy TV that you named "Attitude." 'Oh, we've got Attitude!' You've got nothing, man! What you've got is my ideas and you stole my life, my money, my legacy! [throws cap at Vince] SCREW YOU! SCREW YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!

I'll tell you something, your own children hate your guts! And on Sunday, your children are going to get even with you, for everything that you stole from me, from everything you stole from them! You flaunt your affairs in front of your wife! You flaunt your affairs in Playboy for your children to read! You bastard! [points to Tazz] Look at Tazz! Look at Tazz! This man was a killer, he was a machine! He was a wrestler, a great wrestler, a real man. But wrestling is a dirty word to you, isn't it, Vince? Your father built a wrestling company, and you, you had to have [mockingly] sports entertainment. 'We have to have sports entertainment, ha ha ha!' He was a wrestler, he was a great wrestler, he was a man. And now, he's a fat, little, obnoxious color commentator, and not even a good one! He is a sports entertainer. He is not a wrestler because you made wrestling a dirty word. You made wrestling a dirty word, Vince. What kind of a man are you? What kind of a man takes wrestling and makes it sports entertainment? At Survivor Series, you're going down. You're going down, Vince. I promise you, you're going down, and I'm going to watch it and your children are going to lift their leg, and stand over your grave and we're going to laugh. And you know what else I'm going to do, Vince? I'm going to run your ass out of business. And there's not a damn thing you can do about. I'm feeling good about myself... [gets choked out by the Tazzmission]

December 6

[The Rock has teased Vince McMahon about kissing Jim Ross' and Trish Stratus' butts, only to be treated at the sight of Rikishi]

Michael Cole: [as Rock holds down Vince] I think Rikishi's gonna give it to him!

Jim Ross: Give it to him! Give it to him!

Jerry Lawler: No, don't! [As Rikishi raises his mawashi to ensure Vince gets the full stinkface] He's a billionaire! HE OWNS THIS COMPANY! [screams as Rock shoves Vince's face up Rikishi's ass]

Jim: Oh Lucifer's lips on the biggest ass in the WWF! Oh hell yeah! [stands up as Jerry Lawler blows a raspberry and Rock lets go of Vince] Thank God, Thank God! THERE IS... THERE IS A GOD IN THIS WORLD!!

The Rock: The Rock says, On behalf of the millions, [crowd follows up "and Millions!"] the Vince McMahon Kiss-Your-Ass Club is officially closed, IF YOU SMELLL, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!

Jim: How does it feel to be humiliated? How does it feel to be humiliated in front of the whole damn world?!! How do you like that?!?!

Jerry: I think, I think Vince knows what Rikishi ate for dinner! [makes mock cough]

December 13

[Austin has just beaten up Booker T at the Green Frog and brought him to the counter]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: [hearing police sirens; leaves] Price check on a jackass!!!

Booker T: [sprawled at the foot of the checkout line; cries] I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you... [weeps]

[Back at the arena skybox, Ric Flair is laughing at Vince]

Ric Flair: [to Vince McMahon] I think I told you you'd enjoy the show. [slaps Vince at the back before he leaves]

December 27

Michael Cole: [observing Vince McMahon and Ric Flair in the middle of the ring] Ric Flair is a legend. 14-Time World Champion.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: [overlapping] A legend?

Ric Flair: [as McMahon begins to speak, "Just—"] Shut up!

Lawler: Ah! Oh no.

Cole: Huh ho!

Lawler: [referring to Flair] And he's rude, too.

Flair: On behalf on the entire wrestling world, one of the resolutions we'd like you to make this year, is if you will not come out here, week after week, continuously make an ass out of yourself.

Lawler: What? What a thing to say!

Vince McMahon: Now look, I don't want you come out here interrupting me! Let me tell you this: You go too far... I will embarrass you in front of every single person here in this arena.

Lawler: [referring to McMahon] And he could do it!

McMahon: I will knock you on your ass!

Lawler: [reacts] Ho ho, yes! You big 14-Time World Champion! Ha ha ha ha ha... that would be fantastic! Yeah! Woo that!

Flair: I am going to...take one moment [gestures to McMahon] from your life, [gestures to the crowd] and one moment from their life when I want to explain to them why I haven't already knocked you on yours, okay?

Lawler: Ohhh... here we go!

Flair: You mentioned the word "tolerant" a while ago. The reason I'm so tolerant of you, and it needs to be said for the whole world to hear, is because you know my story.

[McMahon nods in agreement]

Lawler: What's that story? Wha— What's he talking about?

Flair: You know, that in 1988, I was having all kinds of problems in NWA. You called me on the phone, and you said, "Ric Flair, we want you in the World Wrestling Federation." You know what my answer was— you know what it was? I said, "Vince McMahon, I'm NWA all the way." As a matter of fact, I was at Eddie Graham Sports Arena the next night! Defending the National Wrestling Alliance. So I turned down your offer. A year later, I called you back on phone: A beaten man. Knowing that I had nowhere to go. Knowing that they had killed my self-confidence. Knowing that I wanted only one more chance to go to work for you.

Lawler: Hah! He came crawlin'.

Flair: You know what you said to me? You said, "If you got it? Bring it." And I did.

Lawler: Hah!

Flair: And you know what you did? The next month, I found myself at the Survivor Series, with Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker, Roddy Piper, Ted DiBiase...Jake The Snake, all the stars...of the World Wrestling Federation! You made me part of the family. It couldn't get any better. Then you know what you did? You put me in the Royal Rumble and I wrestled for one hour, and at the end of that hour I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. The most coveted trophy in sports! I knew it, you knew it! I used to walk out on TV every week saying, "NWA is it." I lied, I had a job! I always knew you guys were getting bigger. And I was proud to be there. And I walk into that room, with tears in my eyes, and I said, "Thank you so very much for giving me this opportunity in life." Then, when it couldn't get any bigger, you called me and said, "Ric Flair, you're in the main event at WrestleMania! Against the Macho Man Randy Savage!"

Lawler: [impressed] Wow.

Flair: I walk in there— 75,000 people— the biggest sporting event in the world! My mother, my father, my wife, all four of my children there to see me, in the main event at WrestleMania! Win, lose or draw I had made it as high as you could possibly go in life! It was unbelievable. It was so good that I stayed 'til everybody was gone. Watched my mom and dad, my wife and my kids get in the limousine, drive off. And I walked down that hallway, towards to my locker room to shower. And I saw you, and you said, "Hey Ric, come here, I need to talk to you!" And I knew you were gonna say, "Ric, you're the greatest wrestler of all time! That was awesome, man!" [Flair shakes his head] Guess what? You remember what you said to me? [McMahon shakes his head] You said to me, "Every time you get this close to greatness, you do something stupid and take a step backwards."

Lawler: [shocked] Wow.

Flair: So for all that you've given me, and God only knows, you put my feet back on Earth in 1991, I have always wanted to ask you one question: WHO ARE YOU TO EVER TELL ME HOW TO WRESTLE!? I'M RIC FLAIR!!! YOU'RE VINCE MCMAHON!!!

[Flair hastily takes off his jacket]

Flair: WHO ARE YOU!? WHO ARE YOU TO EVER TELL ME HOW TO WRESTLE A MATCH!? YOU MAY BE THE GREATEST PROMOTER OF ALL TIME, BUT YOU WILL NEVER TALK DOWN TO RIC FLAIR ABOUT WRESTLING!!

Lawler: [shocked] He's gonna have a stroke! Get out of Mr. McMahon's face! This guy's unstable! Look at him!

Cole: Emotional.

Lawler: No, unstable! Look!

Cole: He's been waiting a decade to get that off his chest, King. Ten years.

Lawler: Well, he needs to go see some... professional help. [sees Flair wiping his sweat] Uh oh.

Flair: I am SO SICK of you placing yourself [raises his arms up] like God Almighty! You're not! Even my own kid, my 13-year old says, "Dad, I saw Mr. McMahon on TV! He's buffed! He's jacked, Dad! He's cool—" WHAAAAT!? How do you think how I feel? Having my 13-year old kid, knowing who I am, telling me [points to McMahon] you're buffed! It don't work!

Lawler: What, the truth hurts?

Flair: So guess what? Just to see where I stood in this great company of ours, I went through all the contracts, and I happen to pull one that reads: Vince McMahon, Owner/Wrestler!

Lawler: Wait a minute, now.

Cole: [confused] What's he talking about?

Flair: That means you're double-dipping! And it also means, that you're going to wrestle at the Royal Rumble!

Cole: What?

Lawler: Wait a minute! He can't— If he's wrestling—

Flair: 1-ON-1!!

Lawler: Wait a minute!

McMahon: Then who's got the balls to step into the ring... with me?

Lawler: [realizing] Uh oh...

Flair: THE NEXT GUY THAT KNOCKS YOU ON YOUR ASS—!! [strikes McMahon down to the mat with a right hand]

Cole: Wait a minute! A right hand by Flair!

Lawler: What has he done?!

Flair: THE NATURE BOY, RIC FLAIR!!! WOOOO!!!

Cole: King! Flair and McMahon, at the Rumble!?

Lawler: I can't believe it— look at this!

Ric Flair: WOOOO!!!

Lawler: Flair! Ric Flair has sucker-punched the owner of the World Wrestling Federation! Get an ambulance out here!

Cole: Two of the giants in the sports-entertainment industry! They go head-to-head, King! January 20th, at the Phillips Arena in Atlanta! Flair and McMahon!

Lawler: [overlapping on Flair] Let me tell you something! Flair has made the biggest mistake of his life!

2002

January 24

Vince McMahon: The WWF...is going to die. I know that. The WWF has cancer... because of Ric Flair. Flair's gonna kill it. And the kind of cancer Flair gave the WWF, is the slow, eating, kind of cancer. It's not quick. I'm not gonna let Ric Flair kill what I created. Me. The WWF is mine. It's mine. I created it! I'm not gonna let Ric Flair kill what I created. Because I'm going to kill what I CREATED! I'M GONNA KILL IT! I'M GONNA KILL MY CREATION! I'm going to inject the WWF with a lethal dose of poison. If anybody's gonna kill my creation, I'm gonna do it. [turns his chair revealing "nWo" on the back] Me...and the n...W...o...

June 6

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Triple H have eliminated each other in a battle royal to determine the number one contender for the WWE Undisputed Championship at King of the Ring]

Vince McMahon: Well well well uh, may I have your attention please? Hogan, Triple H, listen up. I mean uh, seems to me we have quite a dilemma here now don't we? I mean, Hogan and Triple H going over the top rope at the very same time with apparently no conclusive proof as to who actually won. So, I ask all of you then, who should face The Undertaker at the King of the Ring? Should it be, should it be Hulk Hogan? [crowd cheers] Should it be Triple H? [crowd cheers] Well I can tell you this. I'm not about to allow some hokey okies influencing my decision. [crowd boos] But I will allow one individual in influence me, as a matter of fact, his name is The Undertaker. You see, during the commercial break, I called The Undertaker at home. But quite frankly, he doesn't give a damn which individual he faces either. Because The Undertaker looks at both Hogan and Triple H, both of you gentlemen, as losers. And why shouldn't he? I mean, let's face it, Hogan, at Judgment Day, The Undertaker defeated you for the Undisputed title. And uh, Triple H, last week here on SmackDown!, The Undertaker beat the holy living hell out of you. So then, who should face The Undertaker for the Undisputed title at the King of the Ring? I'll tell you who it's gonna be. The winner of tonight's one on one encounter between Triple H and Hulk Hogan.

Michael Cole: Tonight?

McMahon: Thank you very much.

July 4

Tony Chimel: Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing "America the Beautiful" on our nation's birthday, WWE's own, Lilian Garcia!

Lilian Garcia: [singing] Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain, for purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain, America, America, God shed his grace on thee, and crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea. America, America, God shed his --

Lance Storm: [over Garcia's singing] Stop the music! Stop the singing! Stop all of this right now! [comes down to the ring with Christian and Test as the crowd boos] I don't mean to ruin your little birthday celebration. We've had all we can take of this America the Beautiful crap! Lilian, get out of that ring. A matter of fact, get out of this building!

Christian: Get out of here! [Lilian leaves the ring as the crowd boos and chants "USA!"] Today, July the 4th. America celebrates Independence Day. Well let me ask you all a question. Do you even know why you're celebrating? Well considering the ignorance of the American youth, you probably think of Independence Day as the day Will Smith saved the world from a bunch of aliens!

Storm: But let me tell you what really happened. America was founded as British colonies. And in 1776, America declared itself an independent country, and turned its back on Britain! Now that's gratitude for ya. But America could only contain its aggression within its own boundaries for so long. Ultimately, America released its war-like hostilities on the rest of the world. There was World War I, World War II, the Korean War. Tell me America, what right did you have to be in Korea? [crowd chants "Asshole!"] What right did you have to be in Vietnam? Vietnam, it's a bit of a touchy subject, isn't it? Why? Because you were defeated. You Americans are such hypocrites! You don't like me out here telling you the truth. You don't wanna hear what the rest of the world has to say. It's funny how that contradicts your very own Constitution. The First Amendment speaks of freedom of expression. A freedom of speech. [crowd chants "You suck!"] But you Americans don't really wanna hear what other countries have to say about you.

Test: Other countries say America is the most hypocritical nation in the world. The rest of the world hates America. We hate America. So for your birthday, America, dig this.

Christian, Storm, and Test: AMERICA SUCKS!

July 18

Vince McMahon: Hold on. Never before, never before have I seen such angst, such concern on the faces of WWE superstars. All I did was make one simple announcement last Monday night there'd be a new GM for Raw and a new GM for SmackDown!. I can say this, to all the superstars on Raw, if you are that concerned, as you think the grass is greener on the other side over here on SmackDown!, you are free to negotiate with the new GM of SmackDown!.

Tazz: Who it is.

Vince: Likewise, all the superstars of SmackDown!, if you think the grass is greener over on Raw, hey you can go ahead and negotiate with Raw‍'‍s new GM. I'm sure many of you thought I lost my mind when I named Eric Bischoff general manager of Raw. I'm sure you have complete control over all of my mental faculties and I know you're thinking, wait a minute, Eric Bischoff tried to put you out of business McMahon. Yeah, he tried. I named Eric Bischoff general manager of Raw because he's the best person for the job and because he is innovative, and because unquestionably, he enjoys ruthless aggression. Which would then bring us to tonight's announcement, and the announcement of your SmackDown! general manager. Likewise, this general manager is the best person for the job. Much like Bischoff, this person as well tried to put me out of business, and also has a history of ruthless aggression. The only difference between Bischoff and the new GM of SmackDown! is I said to the Raw audience they truly deserve Eric Bischoff as their general manager. I'm not so sure that all of you people, the SmackDown! audience, actually deserve your new general manager.

Tazz: Who's it gonna be?

Vince: So with that in mind, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of SmackDown!, Stephanie McMahon!

Tazz: Whoa!

Michael Cole: What?! [Stephanie McMahon's music hits]

Tazz: Ho ho! [Stephanie McMahon comes out]

Cole: You mean, Mr. McMahon's daughter, Stephanie McMahon.

Tazz: As she's the one, my man! There's only one Stephanie McMahon and you're looking at her. [Stephanie shakes hands with Vince] She's our new boss! [the SmackDown! roster is backstage looking distressed]

Cole: The SmackDown! superstars in the back, I don't think any of them can believe what's going on.

Tazz: Ruthless aggression. Stephanie McMahon's got ruthless aggression in the bloodline.

Stephanie McMahon: Welcome to my show, SmackDown!. Eric Bischoff is a parasite. Shane was right. But the one thing my brother was wrong about was when he said that he was going to screw Vince McMahon, screw this company, and screw my family because I won't let that happen. And I won't allow Eric Bischoff to steal your SmackDown! superstars from you. Those superstars include The Rock, they include Hulk Hogan, they include Edge and they include the man who Bischoff says would have made WCW a success. The man who Bischoff knows to be the greatest ring general in the world today. The man who has truly earned the moniker "the game", Triple H.

Cole: That's her soon to be ex-husband.

Stephanie: Bischoff claimed that his first official act as the general manager was going to be at Vengeance, when he signed Triple H to Raw. So Bischoff at Vengeance, if you want Triple H to go down to that very ring and choose between Raw or SmackDown!, I don't have a problem with that, because the egg is gonna be on your face, Bischoff, when you're left standing there and Triple H leaves Vengeance and comes back home to his fans at SmackDown!. Now I am the general manager of SmackDown! with the full support of Vince McMahon. The same way you, Bischoff, are the general manager of Raw. But the only advantage you have over me Bischoff, is about three days. Now you said your official act, your first official act was going to take place at Vengeance? Well my first official act as general manager of SmackDown! is gonna take place right now when I throw you the hell out of my building!

August 15

Stephanie McMahon: Stupid piece of crap. [throws hairpiece as the door knocks] Come in! [Chris Benoit enters] Chris, I can't believe how my staff screwed up, and now you have to defend the Intercontinental title at SummerSlam. Now I know, that you're gonna beat RVD. I know that you're gonna keep the Intercontinental Championship right here on SmackDown!.

Chris Benoit: Oh I'm gonna beat his ass.

McMahon: I know you will. You're gonna make RVD tap, aren't you?

Benoit: Oh I'm gonna make him squeal.

McMahon: You're gonna make RVD tap just like you made The Rock tap two weeks ago! Isn't that right? 'Cause I'm gonna make it up to you, Chris. Tonight, the main event is going to be Chris Benoit versus The Rock!

Tazz: Whoa ho ho!

McMahon: And I want you to send a message to RVD through The Rock! I want you to make The Rock tap! I want you to, I want you to make him tap, I want you to make him, make him --

Benoit: I'm gonna make him moan, I'm gonna make him whimper, I'M GONNA MAKE HIM SQUEAL!

McMahon: Yeah. So we're on?

Benoit: So much.

August 29

[Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle are about to compete in a number one contender's match]

Stephanie McMahon: Allow me to introduce to you, the next competitor, a legendary superstar that I just signed to SmackDown!, ladies and gentlemen, the phenom, The Undertaker!

September 12

[Kurt Angle comes out to the ring for his match against Rey Mysterio. The crowd chants "you suck" along to his music]

Michael Cole: And welcome to the season premiere of SmackDown!, the only place you can see the Olympic gold medalist, Kurt Angle! [after Kurt poses and the pyro goes off for his entrance] And Kurt Angle on his way to the ring, set for action against Rey Mysterio, and Angle will be a part of SmackDown! next week in Colorado Springs; who knows what awaits us there!

Tazz: Well, let's talk about the major media coverage for the season premiere of SmackDown!.

Michael: That's tonight!

Tazz: Good job! Billy and Chuck right in the thick of it! They did the Today show, the tomato, they did Howard Stern - well, they didn't really do Stern, but they were on his show; they were in the, uh, New York Post, that covers the newspaper in New York, and then the USA Today which, uh, covers America! [singing] America, America! [Michael laughs]

[the crowd boos as Kurt takes the microphone]

Kurt Angle: How appropriate! We're here in "Mini"...and I have a return match with Rey Mysterio! Pretty funny, huh? Get it? Rey Mysterio being "mini" -

Tazz: Good segue.

Kurt: - you know, short? Oh, come on, people, that's funny!

Tazz: I like that bit. I hate short people!

Kurt: It's a heck of a lot funnier than me gettin' the Stinkface last week! [the crowd cheers] Oh yeah, people were yuckin' it up then, they thought it was hilarious!

Crowd: What?

Kurt: Well, I'll tell you what's not gonna be so funny...

Crowd: What?

Kurt: ...what I'm about to do to Rey Mysterio tonight!

Crowd: What?

Kurt: ...you people like Rey Mysterio, huh?

Crowd: What? [cheers]

Kurt: That figures...since most of you would benefit from wearing a mask yourselves!

Crowd: What?

[Tazz laughs]

Kurt: Oh yeah, you betcha!

Tazz: "You betcha"? "Betcha"?

Kurt: And Chris Benoit, if I even see you laugh at me again... [the crowd starts a "you suck" chant] ...Chris Benoit, if I even see you laugh at me again...there's gonna be two holy unions tonight! ["What?"] Billy and Chuck... ["What?"] ...and your face and my fist!

Crowd: What? [boos]

Kurt: And Rey Mysterio! I want you to remember one thing! ["What?"] You're a boy... ["What?"] ...in a man's world! ["What?"] And I'm a man who loves to play with boys! [suddenly looks confused]

Crowd: What?

Tazz: What the-?!

Kurt: No no no, wait a minute, wait a minute, SHUT UP! Hold on, no-no-no-no! Shut up! Hold on a second! Hold on a second! [mouthing "shut up" to the cheering crowd] What I meant to say...! Listen! [the crowd chants "you suck" again] Mysterio!! Rey Mysterio, what I meant to say...is you're a boy...and I'm a man! And tonight, I'm gonna love to manhandle you...no, wait a minute!

[the crowd cheers as Kurt smacks himself in the head over what he just said; Michael and Tazz both laugh]

Tazz: Kurt! Put the mic down...

Michael: Stop while you're ahead!

Kurt: Hold on a second, hold on a second...

Tazz: Put the mic down!

Kurt: Hold on - shut up! SHUT UP! Shut up! Rey Mysterio! You remember this, pal! You're a boy, and I'm a man! And when you and I get together here tonight, I'm gonna get on top of you, and - no no-! [begins jumping up and down in frustration as the crowd cheers again and the hosts continue to laugh] Mysterio, get your butt out here, 'cause I'm gonna kick your butt!! [finally drops the mic]

Tazz [laughing]: Oh, Kurt! Well, he's a hell of a wrestler, though!

Michael: The Olympic champion Kurt Angle meets Rey Mysterio, next!

October 17

Michael Cole: Undertaker, we understand this is extremely difficult for you.

The Undertaker: Of all the things that I've been in my life, I've never been a liar. So I've requested this time so I can get a few things off my chest and set the record straight. When I was accused by this woman of being a cheater, well I lied. I do know her. But I mean, look, I knew a lot of women like her back then. But see, that was years ago. It was a long time ago, YEARS before I ever met my wife, Sara. So to say I was surprised last week when I got to SmackDown! and here's this woman accusing me of being a cheater, surprised would be an understatement. And man I had to make a judgment call, because all I could see was my pregnant wife sitting at home watching this woman accuse me of being a cheater. Truth is, I haven't seen this woman in about seven years. I don't know what she wants. I don't know if she's been paid off by Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. I don't know, all I know is the last week of my life has been a living hell due to Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. But let me guarantee you two something. The hell that I've been through is nothing, IS NOTHING compared to the hell that I'm gonna put you two through this Sunday in the Cell.

October 24

Michael Cole: Inside the ring here, SmackDown! general manager Stephanie McMahon, and perhaps Tazz, she'll tell us what she had to give up to acquire The Big Show in the trade.

Stephanie McMahon: Well it's already been one hell of a night on SmackDown! and we're just getting warmed up! Now I knew I made the right decision when I made the trade for The Big Show because he's already been impressive. But speaking of impressive, check out this trophy right here in the middle of the ring. Because this trophy will be awarded to the first-ever WWE Tag Team Champions exclusively for you, on SmackDown!. So without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the first half of the WWE Tag Team Champions, the only Olympic gold medalist in WWE, Kurt Angle!

Cole: And Kurt Angle has now held all major titles in the WWE. On Sunday, Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit made history, winning the tag team tournament to become the first-ever WWE Tag Team Champions.

Tazz: You know Cole, Kurt Angle's used to gold, he's used to trophies, Kurt Angle's always making history. I'm proud to say that Kurt Angle, one half of the new WWE Tag Team Champions.

McMahon: And his partner, the Rabid Wolverine, Chris Benoit!

Cole: Well you know Tazz, later on tonight, we are going to find out who the first challengers will be for the new tag team champions because Edge and Rey Mysterio are gonna meet the Guerreros in a number one contender's matchup.

Tazz: Well absolutely, that match will be off the hook, as is our tag champs, Angle and Benoit.

Cole: Look at Kurt Angle. Looks like a father holding the new baby with uh -

Tazz: How big that trophy is!

Cole: The new trophy.

Tazz: It's huge! Look at that! Kurt don't wanna let it go.

Kurt Angle: Stephanie, I'd just like to say how right you were to force me to set aside my personal differences with Chris Benoit, so I could single-handedly lead my team to victory at No Mercy. Wow! You know who's captain of this team? It is my pleasure to accept this trophy. And I'd like to assure my partner that this trophy will be set aside of my Olympic memorabilia on my wall of fame at home. Oh it's true, it's damn true!

Tazz: Kurt said it.

Angle: Woo!

Tazz: He's the captain of the team Cole!

Cole: Single-handedly? I think Benoit had something to do with the victory.

Tazz: The captain!

Chris Benoit: Angle, the next time you come out here, you leave that Olympic-sized ego of yours back in the locker room. Because I'm here. Everyone knows there's only one captain and that is me. Let's get it straight. We wouldn't have won these titles if it wasn't for me. And you're damn lucky Stephanie made that stipulation between us. 'Cause if she hadn't, I'd have kicked the hell out of your Olympic ass!

Angle: Listen here, Mr. Toothless Aggression! I won the freakin' match, I did! Therefore, I'm the star, and you're the supporting player! The trophy's mine, all mine, give it to me!

Benoit: Take your damn hands off that trophy, or you will eat it! So that so? [Angle and Benoit fight over the trophy]

Tazz: That trophy ain't got a shot. [Angle wrestles the trophy away but knocks over McMahon with it] No oh man!

Cole: Well that didn't - that was an accident.

Tazz: That was an accident. [Angle helps McMahon up] Stephanie whoa. [McMahon slaps Angle in the face]

Cole: Bet Kurt's groggy now. [Benoit is laughing hysterically at Angle]

Tazz: Benoit's laughing his tail off! [McMahon slaps Benoit in the face and Benoit looks furiously at McMahon]

McMahon: You two are like petulant children! And if the two of you, look what you did to this trophy! If you two can't get along, then we're gonna settle this the old-fashioned way, in the ring. Kurt, tonight, it will be you, Kurt Angle, one-on-one against Chris Benoit.

Tazz: Oh yeah!

Cole: But they're partners!

Tazz: Well that's cool man! That should be a -

McMahon: And the winner of that match will get to keep this stupid broken trophy! Now both get ready.

Cole: Well Tazz, not only do we have a number one contender's match tonight to determine who will face the Tag Team Champions, but now the Tag Team Champions are gonna fight amongst themselves! Benoit and Angle, one-on-one tonight!

Tazz: Only on SmackDown!, you'll see the tag champs collide! And look at that poor trophy!

Cole: Yeah and the winner of that match gets to keep that poor trophy! All egos are gonna explode tonight.

November 14

Marc Lloyd: Paul. Paul Heyman.

Paul Heyman: What?

Lloyd: I was just hoping to get a word on the physical condition of Brock Lesnar.

Heyman: Why don't you ask me about the physical condition of The Undertaker? I mean, The Undertaker was thrown off the stage by The Big Show three weeks ago, have you heard one from The Undertaker, no! Brock Lesnar got thrown off the stage last week by The Big Show. You wanna know the physical condition of the WWE Champion? Brock Lesnar has a broken rib and he's been coughing up blood all week. The difference between Brock Lesnar and everybody else is, Marc, is that Brock Lesnar will defend the WWE title and he will do it this Sunday at Survivor Series against The Big Show. What Brock Lesnar won't do though, is show up tonight here on SmackDown!. And that's by doctors' orders and by my orders. [turns around and sees Big Show behind him]

Big Show: If by some chance, Brock Lesnar shows up here tonight, I want you to know, that I'm calling Brock Lesnar out.

November 21

Michael Cole: And here in the parking garage of the Hartford Civic Center, there is a one-man welcoming committee for the WWE Champion, The Big Show and Paul Heyman.

Tazz: Lesnar ripped of his title by his agent at Survivor Series.

December 5

Chris Benoit: Tonight, I'm involved in a fatal-four-way elimination match with Kurt Angle, Edge, and Eddie Guerrero. And the winner of this match becomes the number one contender for the WWE title. And that's all I ever wanted, that's all I've ever dreamed of. All the sacrifices that I've ever made. I broke my neck. The numbness I still have. The divorce I went through. The two kids in Edmonton, David and Megan, that I rarely see. My wife that I love, and leave every week, kiss her goodbye, and my baby boy Daniel, that I kiss goodbye every week to go on the road, to do what I do, to do what I love. To be what I wanna be, the WWE Champion. And there's three men standing in my way. Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero, and Edge. I've been wrestling for 17 years now, and I'm gonna do everything I know and use everything I have to go through them tonight, to become what I wanna be, what I've always dreamed of being since I've been 3 years old. A champion. The champion. The WWE Champion.

December 26

Justin Roberts: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the general manager of SmackDown!, Stephanie McMahon!

Michael Cole: And Stephanie McMahon, Tazz, has had a busy week reviewing that disturbing incident, which occurred when SmackDown! went off the air last week. It was between Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar, and could have major ramifications on the WWE title picture.

Stephanie McMahon: Now, you all just saw a graphic for the WWE Championship, a match between Kurt Angle and The Big Show tonight. [crowd cheers] Unfortunately, that match is not going to take place. [crowd boos] And it's all due to Brock Lesnar. See, what you all don't know is what Brock Lesnar did to Kurt Angle after SmackDown! went off the air last week. Kurt Angle will not be able to compete tonight. As a matter of fact, Kurt Angle might not even be able to compete until the Royal Rumble. But I'm not gonna sit here and explain to you all what happened to Kurt Angle. I'm gonna show you the footage later tonight. Now, as far -- [Big Show's music plays]

Cole: Well this is indeed a surprise. The former WWE Champion, The Big Show, on his way out here.

Tazz: This has the makings of the possibility of an explosion whenever the big angry giant known as The Big Show comes out to the SmackDown! ring.

Cole: You saw Big Show now part of this mob that Paul Heyman and Kurt Angle are involved in. Paul Heyman the agent, Big Show and Kurt Angle, the clients. A rather formidable group, to say the least. But what brings The Big Show out here now?

McMahon: Well, thanks for interrupting me, Show, uh, but where's your mouthpiece? Where's your agent Paul Heyman?

Big Show: Stephanie, Paul's not here yet. And I want to speak to you myself.

McMahon: So you came out here and uh, interrupted me and couldn't wait and speak to me in my office like everybody else?

Big Show: You know, Steph, I didn't feel like waiting. I just heard that Kurt Angle might not be able to defend his WWE Championship until Royal Rumble? I didn't hear you name me as Kurt Angle's opponent. Now I'm sure that was just an oversight, right? I'm sure you meant to make that match, right, Stephanie?

McMahon: Show, everything I do, I do for a reason. And unless you wanna wind up suspended like Brock Lesnar was, then I suggest you BACK OFF!

Tazz: Wow! Gutsy broad.

McMahon: Now, Paul Heyman did name you as the number one contender to face Kurt Angle last week. But I am the general manager of SmackDown!, not Paul Heyman. And I think you need to earn your title shot. Therefore tonight, you will compete in a number one contender's match, the winner of which to face Kurt Angle at Royal Rumble. So tonight's match, Big Show, will be you versus Chris Benoit.

Cole: Tonight?!

Tazz: That's big! And I think that's fair!

Big Show: Chris Benoit? Chris Benoit, that little toothless wonder can't hold a candle to me! I'm 7 foot tall, I'm 500 pounds! [Chris Benoit's music plays] I'm --

Cole: Uh-oh! There is Chris Benoit!

Tazz: No fear, no intimidation. That's the wolverine.

Cole: And The Big Show has taken his jacket off. The Big Show and Chris Benoit set to meet later tonight, could explode right here, right now!

Tazz: And it's well-documented how bad Chris Benoit wants to be the WWE Champion.

Chris Benoit: You have absolutely no idea what I am capable of, Big Show. And don't even think for a second that I forgot about when you Chokeslammed me last week. You know the only thing stopping me from breaking your damn neck right now is our match tonight. Last week, I made Kurt Angle tap, just like I'm gonna make you tap tonight. And you want to be the number one contender for the WWE title?

Big Show: Listen, Benoit. I'm a giant. And obviously, you're not. And the only chance in hell you have of beating me is to take me from my size all the way down to your size, and I don't see that happening. [Benoit low blows Big Show]

Cole: Oh!

Tazz: Oh ho ho ho ho ho!

Cole: That's a way to do it! A low blow to The Big Show!

Tazz: Oh very low, very low blow! And look at that grin, look at the grin on Benoit's face. And look at the grimace in pain on The Big Show's face!

Cole: It looked like a gut shot from Chris Benoit! The Rabid Wolverine with a first strike here tonight, sending The Big Show a little message for later on!

Tazz: Chris Benoit's got that vicious, vicious attitude. Big Show might be in trouble.

Cole: It's Show and Benoit to determine the number one contender for the title tonight!

2003

January 16

Dawn Marie: A week ago, I was the happiest woman in the world, and married my sweetheart, Al Wilson. We were on our honeymoon, everything was so perfect. Now, Al's passed. He's gone. And despite all the jealousy, and all the interference of some of his family members, Al and I, we still fell in love. I loved Al Wilson so much. Al was a good man. He loved all that public attention. And that's why our wedding was public. And that's why our honeymoon was public. So tonight, I, Dawn Marie Wilson, will respect his wishes, and I will present to you, the public viewing of my husband, Al Wilson.

January 23

Stephanie McMahon: Tonight marks a very special edition of SmackDown!, because tonight, one of the greatest superstars in WWE history returns to SmackDown!. That's right ladies and gentlemen, tonight, the phenom, The Undertaker! But that's not all. Eric Bischoff wants to drop a bombshell and invite Stone Cold Steve Austin to Raw? Well tonight, I have a bombshell of my own. Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned for a big surprise.

February 27

Vince McMahon: Well I got some bad news for you tonight! That's all right, because not only do I have bad news for you, also I have some good news for you. And the bad news is that tonight, The Rock, The Rock will not be here tonight. Whoa whoa whoa ho, the reason The Rock won't be here tonight is because The Rock himself has earned the right to go to whatever show he wants to go, whenever he wants to go. So therefore The Rock has chosen to leave SmackDown! and go to Raw. Now then the good news. No no no no, this is good, hang on. This is really good. That tonight, Hulk Hogan, [crowd cheers] the Hulkster himself will not be here tonight! [crowd boos] Little disappointed in that, are you? Not as disappointed as I am. Hogan is using the flimsy excuses to why he's not here tonight. He's using the flimsy excuse, [crowd chants "asshole"] Hogan is using the flimsy excuse of a family emergency. Yeah. Imagine that one, that's a whopper huh? Something to do with his son. Nick, I think that's his name. Whatever the hell his name is, Nicolas. Is Nicolas short for, it really doesn't matter, because let's face it. There's only one reason why Hulk Hogan is not here tonight. And it's real simple. Read my lips, Hulk Hogan is a coward. [crowd boos] Hulk Hogan is afraid of me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. The hell he's not. It started about a month ago when Hogan challenged me to a match. Hey look, it's like this Hogan. Hogan, you don't screw with me, Hogan. Oh no. You see, [crowd chants "Hogan"] Shut up when I'm out here! You don't screw with me Hogan. I screw with you. And boy did I ever screw him huh? Ho ho! I screwed Hogan royally at No Way Out. Oh I'm damn proud of it, yes I am. You see, it went down like this. Hogan and Rock in the match. Hogan drops the big leg down on The Rock, hooks up The Rock, one, two and then, literally, the lights went out on Hulk Hogan. And when the lights came up, there's a bewildered Hogan standing in the ring and like The Rock's down, and the referee's down, what's going on and all of a sudden, down coming from the ramp is me to confront Hulk Hogan. And as Hogan, as Hogan is confronting me, little does he see, the appointed official, the appointed official, ladies and gentlemen, who I might add is a Canadian just like all of you. [crowd cheers] This Canadian, behind the Hulkster's back, slides the chair over to The Rock, who picks it up and then bam, Hogan goes down like one great big blivet. And then The Rock gives the Rock Bottom to Hulk Hogan and then the one, two, three. And if you don't believe me, if you don't believe everything I just said tonight, we're breaking tradition. Tonight you'll see it for yourself. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, you'll see the world broadcast premiere of exactly what I just described. And after you've seen it, after you've seen this footage, then you will agree with me unquestionably that tonight, it will be official. Hulkamania is dead. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. But there's a new mania here in the WWE. Oh yeah! There's a new mania, and that new mania is simply this. McMahonamania is running wild!

March 6

[Hulk Hogan comes out to address the crowd, two weeks removed from his match at No Way Out]

Tony Chimel: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hulk Hogan!

Michael Cole: We had the opportunity to run into Hulk Hogan earlier today, and Hogan was steaming! And who can blame the man? Two weeks ago at No Way Out, Hulk Hogan was screwed by Mr. McMahon in Hogan's match versus the Rock.

Hulk Hogan: You guys are unbelievable, man. [the crowd cheers] You know, in all seriousness, I've got something I gotta get off my chest. You know, Vince McMahon, I've had it, brother. I am totally through with you. I'm tired of biding my time; I'm tired of playing games with you, McMahon. You know, I know you'd love it if I just walked right out of this very ring and walked out of your life, brother. I'd be gone forever. But that's not gonna happen, Vince! I'm just not going away, dude! You know, you can go ahead, McMahon, and screw me out of my match with the Rock, you can go ahead and call me a coward behind my back when I'm not around, you can run all over the whole WWE, McMahon, and say, "McMahonamania is running wild!" [the crowd boos] But you know something, Vince? That doesn't change one damn thing, brother. There's an issue between you and me, McMahon - and it goes longer than 20 years, brother. And there's only one way to settle it, Vince. I know how to do it, [indicating the crowd] they know how to do it, brother! You know exactly what it's all about...so all I gotta say, Vince, is get your ass out here right now, and let's settle this like men!

Michael: Whoa! Hogan has called out...

Hogan: Come on, Vince, let's settle this like men!

Michael [as Mr. McMahon's music hits and he comes out]: ...Mr. McMahon, and he won't have to wait long!

Tazz: Well, Vince McMahon will not disappoint!

Michael: Mr. McMahon did indeed call Hulk Hogan a coward last week.

McMahon: Shut the damn music off! [his music stops as the crowd boos] I got no problem settling an issue with you at any time, at any place, Hogan. Just for the record. No problem at all. [the crowd starts an "asshole" chant] Oh, really? [pointing] There's the asshole, right there in the ring, right there, there's the asshole! I got no problem settling an issue with you, Hogan, any time, any place; I do have a problem, however, doing it as men because quite frankly, you're not a man. [the crowd boos] I'm the only man of the two. Matter of fact, Hogan, you're not a man at all; you're just a mere shell of a man. And you know it when you look in the mirror. I can't believe that you would call me out here, Hogan - after all I've done for you, after all the-

Hogan: Would you shut your damn mouth?! I'm tired of your crap, McMahon! [the crowd cheers] You know, week after week, you come out here, Vince, and you say how you hate Hulkamania! You come out here and you say how you created Hulkamania! Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah! Well, you know something, McMahon? You're either delusional, you either got hit in the head with a damn hammer, or you're either a straight-out liar, McMahon, because you had nothing to do with creating Hulkamania; you had nothing to do with it at all - you did not create Hulkamania! Hulkamania was a success in spite of you, not because of you; Hulkamania lives forever because of all these Hulkamaniacs! [indicating the crowd, who cheers] And you know, McMahon? The fact that I had something to do with building this company just makes you sick! The fact that I am the one that put this company on the map and helped you make it what it is today, that makes you sick to your stomach, brother! Yeah! And all those Learjets that you have, all those billions of dollars, the houses that your kids live in, the 20-million-dollar vacation home in Boca-

McMahon: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, just shut up!

Hogan: - that's all because of these maniacs!

McMahon: Shut up!

Hogan: Kiss my ass! [beckons McMahon to the ring]

McMahon: Let me tell you something...I think you're starting to believe in your own bullshit, Hogan. I could've had anybody play the part of Hulk Hogan; I could've had anybody bring Hulkamania-

Hogan: Hold on one second, McMahon! You actually think anybody could've ran with Hulkamania? Look at all the guys you gave the ball to; look at all the guys that had the belt! Look at all the guys that ran to the goal line; nobody ran as hard and as long as I did, McMahon! If you actually think, if you actually think I was just the right guy at the right place, at the wro - at the right time...let me say it one more time so you completely understand, McMahon...if you actually believe in your mind, if you actually think that I was just the right ga - guy, at the right place, at the right time, well then, you're a bigger delusional bastard than I thought you were, McMahon! And you know something? I had a match with you a couple of - I had a...you know what I say right now, McMahon, right now we just settle this because, I had a match with the Rock a couple of weeks ago, and you were the one I wanted to get in the ring. You were the one that I was supposed to have a match with a couple of weeks ago, and you put the Rock in your place, brother. You say you're a man?...well, then I say prove it, Vince. Get in this ring with me right here tonight!

McMahon: You wanna have a match with me tonight? Let me respond to that by saying: there's no chance in hell. [the crowd boos] Let me also respond, Hogan, by saying...that you know, you think about all the things I've done for you, Hogan, all the things my family has done for you, Hogan. Let me say this: you claim that I hate Hulkamania; you're wrong. I don't hate Hulkamania; I don't even hate the Hulkamaniacs. No, I don't. But just for the record, Hogan...I hate you. And I'll tell you why I hate you, Hogan: I hate you because I created you and you turned your back on me; you walked out on me, Hogan! I hate you because you left me, you went down south and joined up with Ted Turner, and you competed against me; I hate you for that! I hate you because you tried to put me out of business, and you know damn well you did! And something else I hate you before, and this is more personal than anything, something else I hate you for, Hogan, is this: you testified against me for the federal government in the trial of my life, and you know damn well you did-

Hogan: Whoa, hold on a second, McMahon! If it wasn't for my testimony - I saved your ass - you'd have went to prison, and if it wasn't for me, your big ass would still be rotting in prison. And you talk about screwing people, if you were in prison, the word "screw" would have a whole 'nother word.

McMahon [incensed]: You son of a bitch. My family gave you your first break. My family gave you your name, Hogan! I plucked you from obscurity from some little town in Minnesota; I made you a, a household name, I made you a part of the fabric of Americana, and this is the thanks I get? You think I owe you something? I don't owe you a damn thing, but pal, you owe me; I can tell you right now, you owe me, and I'm gonna collect! You want a match with me? You're not gonna have a match, Hogan. But you know what you're gonna have, Hogan? You're gonna have a fight! And I dare say to you, it's the first real fight you've ever been in, Hogan! And I'll tell you where this fight is gonna take place - on the biggest stage our industry knows today, yet another one of my creations, known as WrestleMania; that's where this fight is gonna take place!

Tazz: Whoa!

McMahon: Oh, but wait, Hogan, there's one stipulation. And that stipulation goes like this: not if, but when you lose your fight to me at WrestleMania, Hogan, and I want this in writing cause your word's no good, I want it in the contract, that you will never, ever again wrestle as long as you live! Just like I said, Hogan, I created Hulkamania, and by God, at WrestleMania, I'm gonna kill it! So what's your answer, Hogan? Yes, or no?

Hogan: Yes or no? Yes or no?? Well, hell yes! I've been waiting for this my whole life! And you know something, McMahon? All my life, I've been waiting for this.

McMahon: So have I.

Hogan: And I've got one question for you: what you gonna do, McMahon? Whatcha gonna do-

McMahon: Ah, cut the crap, no-no! What YOU gonna do when McMahon kills-

Hogan: Oh, cut the crap, McMahon! You're right, this is no time for catchphrases. But because of you, there's one that still holds true. And that is, you better start training, you better start eating your vitamins, and you better start saying your damn prayers, McMahon!

March 13

[Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle are arriving at the arena before the show]

Michael Cole: Earlier today, the arrival at the Mellon Arena of the challenger, the confident number one contender, Brock Lesnar. [cuts to Kurt Angle with Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin in tow] A bit later on, a somber homecoming for the champion, a concerned Kurt Angle.

Tazz: You're looking at a man in a trance. Is it focus or is it fear?

Agent: How ya doing Kurt? [Angle looks at him and doesn't say anything]

Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a match tonight and the WWE title is on the line. WrestleMania has come early. It's Lesnar versus Angle tonight!

May 1

Brock Lesnar: You know, last Sunday, I went through one hell of a match. One hell of a fight with John Cena at Backlash. I like fights. Kudos to John Cena. He gave me one hell of a fight. One hell of a fight he did. But I'm not here tonight to talk about that. You see, there's something else that happened that night that really disturbs me. You see, I came out here tonight. I'm looking for another fight. Big Show.

Tazz: Uh-oh.

Lesnar: That's right, Big Show. I came here tonight looking for a fight with you. You see Big Show, what you did to Rey Mysterio at Backlash, gutless. That's what I call it. Gutless! So I gotta ask you Show. I gotta ask you. From me to you. Why? Why Big Show? Did it make you feel, did it make you feel better, Show? Did it make you feel like a bigger giant than you are? Seven feet two, 500 pounds? You feel like a bigger human being, Show? Or was it, Show, that you realized that Rey Mysterio had a bigger heart than you? Is that what it was? Big Show, you can run all over the mat, you can run all over the locker room, you can come in this ring and bully anybody you want, but I ain't standing for it! You want to bully somebody, Big Show? Why don't you bring your big giant slobbery ass down to this ring and try to bully Brock Lesnar?

Tazz: Oh boy!

Lesnar: That's right Show! Bring your big giant ass down here so you can feel the pain! [Big Show's music hits]

Tazz: Oh we're going, we're going Cole!

Michael Cole: Here we go!

Tazz: Oh it's go time! [Big Show comes out]

Cole: The Big Show has been called out by Lesnar! Because the WWE Champion, you're the leader of the locker room. Brock Lesnar acting like that leader tonight. Echoing many of the sentiments of the other superstars.

Big Show: Bully someone? Bully someone is what you're talking about?! Bully? Listen, Rey Mysterio, he had exactly what he deserved coming to him, just like you're gonna get it too. You calling me out for a fight? Remember, I'll beat your ass just like I did at Survivor Series. Oh no no no. I'm not stepping in that ring until you put that WWE Championship on the line.

Lesnar: You want my title Show?

Big Show: Yeah!

Lesnar: You want this title?

Big Show: Yeah!

Lesnar: Come and get it!

June 12

[Brock Lesnar is defending the WWE Championship against Big Show]

Tazz: Big Show's in a land where he doesn't belong, on those ropes.

Michael Cole: [Lesnar punches Big Show on the top rope] And Brock Lesnar looks to take advantage.

Tazz: Here comes Brock now. Here comes Brock. [Lesnar climbs the top rope]

Cole: The champion...

Tazz: Oh whoa.

Cole: Wait a minute.

Tazz: No.

Cole: Oh my God. [Lesnar punches Big Show]

Tazz: No!

Cole: Lesnar with the, the clubbing blows to the back!

Tazz: No freaking way! [Lesnar prepares to suplex Big Show off the top rope]

Cole: Is he setting Big Show up for?!

Tazz: A superplex!

Cole: No he can't do this!

Tazz: That's a 500-pound superplex!

Cole: Brock Lesnar to the top rope!

Tazz: No! Top rope! A 500-pound superplex! [Lesnar suplexes Big Show off the top rope, and the ring collapses on impact]

Cole: A superplex!

Tazz: Holy --

Cole: Oh my God!

Tazz: Holy (beep)!

Cole: What the hell?! The ring just imploded! The ring blew up!

August 21

[after Brock Lesnar has brutally attacked Zach Gowen]

Michael Cole: Well ladies and gentlemen, tragedy has struck SmackDown!, one of the most courageous people I've ever met, Zach Gowen, the victim of a sickening, premeditated assault by Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar conducting this assault on Zach Gowen in front of Gowen's family. In front of his own mother, Colleena. You can hear Colleena in the background.

Tazz: Well that's exactly what Lesnar does, he puts Zach Gowen. Look at how Lesnar does it. God you see his, Zach Gowen's knee just torqued right around that steel post.

Cole: And that wasn't enough, this sick excuse for a human being, Brock Lesnar wouldn't even allow the paramedics to carry Zach Gowen out of this arena. You know, ladies and gentlemen, every week, we're paid to come out here and be unbiased. To describe the action, to explain to you what's going on and not take sides. But, tonight I gotta break tradition. What we saw moments ago was absolutely ridiculous, and for what? For what did Brock Lesnar do this for? It's not about the WWE Championship! It wasn't even about winning a damn match! Brock Lesnar was a bully; Brock Lesnar acted like an ass out here tonight, and for what? For what purpose?!

Tazz: Well I don't know for what. I, I, I thought I knew Brock Lesnar also. I, I guess I didn't know Brock. I remember Brock when he first came up in our company. And I knew Brock, we became friends and I, along with Kurt Angle, and I, I guess I didn't know Brock either. I'm uh, disgusted. I mean, he's gonna get himself blacklisted in that locker room, I'll tell you that.

Cole: Blackli - you think Brock Lesnar gives a damn about being blacklisted?!

Tazz: No, I don't, I don't think he cares.

Cole: He came out here tonight, vowed to break a kid's leg, took Zach Gowen and twice F5'd him into the steel post. The same move that required Kurt Angle to get knee surgery. You think he cares about being blacklisted?! He doesn't give a damn about anything except Mr. McMahon and that damn WWE title!

Tazz: With Mr. McMahon in the head of Brock Lesnar, this man, this manster as we call him, Brock Lesnar is capable of anything. A vicious, vicious, animal. That's what he is.

Cole: And all I can say, I'm gonna say it again and I've said it before. I hope at SummerSlam this Sunday, that Kurt Angle breaks every bone in Brock Lesnar's body. At SummerSlam, Brock Lesnar gets what he deserves.

Tazz: Well Cole, I don't think Kurt can do it. I mean, no knock on Kurt Angle, the most celebrated athlete in WWE history, and all that great stuff, Brock Lesnar is on a mission and it's a dangerous, raging mission.

Cole: Well somebody's gotta do something.

August 28

Brock Lesnar: Shut up and sit down, I got something to say! You see, ever since SummerSlam, everywhere I go, everybody keeps saying the same damn thing. "You tapped out". SHUT UP IT AIN'T FUNNY! People say it at the hotels, in the gym, in the restaurant, EVERYWHERE I GO! In the damn airplanes, they're telling me, "you tapped out. You tapped", I'M SICK OF IT! I'M SICK OF IT! [crowd chants "you tapped out"] SHUT UP!

Tazz: Yeah shut up, he's gonna go nuts!

Michael Cole: This crowd chanting "you tapped out".

Tazz: Yeah he's gonna snap.

Lesnar: Well I got news for ya! What happened at SummerSlam was a damn fluke. No wait, it was a mirage, that's what it was. Oh no no no! It was a miracle, that's what it was, because Brock Lesnar has never tapped out in his life! You see, I'm not a quitter damn it! No I'm not. I ain't like all of you people. Can't find jobs and if you can't find a job, you just quit looking for one. You see I never tapped out, it never happened! Well, maybe it happened but it really didn't happen you see. Hey, what happened to me at SummerSlam, I know it has to be the most embarrassing thing that happened to me in my entire life, period! That's all right, because I know what you people are thinking. I know what you people are thinking, you're thinking "hey Brock, there's no shame in tapping out to Kurt Angle. He's an Olympic champion." Well that's bullshit! Because I'm Brock Lesnar, and I'm special damn it!

Tazz: Well he's special.

Lesnar: That's right. You people might think that me and Kurt Angle, that we're over. But you're wrong. You're dead wrong. You see I'm out here tonight, I'm asking, no I'm demanding, I am demanding a title rematch, Kurt. You see Kurt, I know you're back there, I know you can hear me with those puny little ugly-ass ears of yours. I know you can hear me Kurt. So you better get your ass out here because if you don't, what I did to Zach Gowen last week,

Kurt Angle: [on screen] Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah! [mockingly] What's wrong Brockie? Want me come down and change your diaper?

Cole: Oh boy.

Angle: You know this is ridiculous. You know something Brock? You're right. You're not like anyone else. You're the most fearsome athlete that ever stepped foot in a WWE ring. Well you know something? You sound more like a [mockingly] baby that just lost his rattle. You know something Brock, that's not the way a WWE, no I should say, a FORMER WWE Champion's supposed to act.

Lesnar: Oh you're pretty funny Kurt hahaha!

Angle: See Brock, go ahead and act like an idiot, 'cause you know what? I was like you before. Whenever I'd lose, whenever I'd lose Brock, I'd hop in that ring and sound exactly the way you sound right now. Like a whiny little bitch! But Brock, I learned. You hear these WWE fans? I learned from them Brock. Because they're not impressed with bitching. They're impressed with action. You know all the kind of action like, when I beat your ass at SummerSlam! Woo! That kind of action. Which gives me a good idea. You know how you said you never tapped before and you'll never tap again? Why don't I just uh, mozie on down to the ring right now and, I don't know, beat you up a little bit? Hit you with a couple of German suplexes, nail you with an Angle Slam, and slap that ankle lock on you and make you tap out one more time, YOU BIG OGRE LOOKING SON OF A BITCH! WOO! Oh it's true!

Lesnar: Come on Kurt! Prove it! Come on loudmouth!

October 2

[Big Show had just been counted out of his match with Orlando Jordan because of a call to nature. Eddie Guerrero comes into the restroom]

Eddie Guerrero: [turned off by the sheer smell] Oh Chihuahua man, eto qunni. Hoho man. [knocks on Big Show's stall] Hey Big Show! Big Show!

Big Show: LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Guerrero: Oh man, I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to scare you while you're in the commode. Ese man, it smells like something crawled up inside of you and died, man! Ca miho! Uy man, I guess that's what happens, Show.

Big Show: What? What are you talking about?

Guerrero: Hey man, I'm talking about when you put me out twice, you really think that you can bonk me out twice man, and get away with it?

Big Show: Eddie I didn't do anything!

Guerrero: Ese, Show, the reason you're there is because I DID THIS!!! That's right man, that's right, it was my cousin Jose you just met right now, and ate the burrito, ese.

Big Show: Oh no!

Guerrero: I put special sauce and I mean some real good special sauce [touches tummy] the type that makes your stomach do what it's doing right now, ese!

Big Show: Oh it's killing me.

Guerrero: Oh my God I know it's killing you, I can smell it. Huy!! [picks up toilet paper rolls at dispenser near sink] Hey man, you save your sweat, let me ask you a question, what are you gonna do to wipe your ass? No, you know, wipe your ass?

Big Show: [reacts] No, no, no. Eddie, there's no toilet paper in here!! C'mon man, don't do this to me!

Guerrero: I'm sorry, that's right. I forgot. I took the toilet paper out about an hour ago.

Big Show: Oh no, man!

Guerrero: [puts toilet paper atop dispenser] Here man, I got something for you to wipe your ass with. Here goes! [kicks stall door right into Big Show]

Big Show: [Rises up] You son of a... [reacts and collapses back on toilet as more come out]

Guerrero: Ohohoh, does that hurt?

Big Show: Oh, yeah..

Guerrero: Hurt your back? [mocks back pain] Montezuma ain't got NOTHING on MonGuerrero! [leaves as Big Show cries]

October 23

Vince McMahon: Well, well, well, well. Lookee here, it's me, Vince McMahon. You remember me, Vince McMahon, chairman of the board? Yeah, I'm sure you do. And I am proud to stand here--next to Sable--proud to stand here and say to each and every one of you, that I beat the snot right out of my very own daughter, Stephanie McMahon. Boo all you want. Hey, boo all you want, it doesn't matter to me, hell, nothing bothers me. I know where I'm going when I croak. I know where I'm going when I kick the bucket. Hey, I'm going to hell in a handbasket. I know that but I'm not dead. I'm very much alive and... well, we're celebrating tonight. Matter of fact, maybe even kinda like, I celebrated after No Mercy. After I beat my daughter, after I shoved my wife down onto the mat, I celebrated unlike all the rest of you henpecked husbands and boyfriends who do exactly as you're told. You know, how I celebrated after No Mercy, you heard the expression, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Well, I assure you, I didn't spoil the child but I didn't spare the rod either, did I, Sable? Oh no, I used it all night long. Quite frankly, I accomplished the two things I wanted to accomplish. One: Stephanie McMahon is, as we speak, unemployed. And the second thing I accomplished, equally important, if not even more so, is that Brock Lesnar remains your WWE Champion. Hey, listen, I admit, Brock needed a little assistance in this match but why wouldn't he? Brock's a professional wrestler. He's not a barbarian. He shouldn't have been placed in this biker chain match by my daughter to begin with. So, I mean, when Undertaker somehow was reaching up for that chain and Brock was down to the canvas, well, somehow conveniently the lights were turned out. And then, when Undertaker was reaching for the chain again, somehow someone told the FBI to come down and kick the hell out of the Undertaker. And then, when all else failed, and Undertaker got the chain and he turned around at the top rope, who was there rolling out from underneath the ring to give the Undertaker the ride of a life he'll never forget? Me! Me, Vince McMahon! You see, the Undertaker has to learn the hard way, just like some of these other superstars, although he has to learn even harder and that is that, and the one thing Undertaker learned is you don't cross the boss. You don't...you don't give grief to the head chief. Wait a minute, wait a minute. But you do have sex with the man who signs your checks. Oh, yeah, I'm on fire tonight! No doubt! Yeah! But, quite frankly, enough about the celebration, we now need to get down to business. I've thought long and hard about who should be our next general manager here on SmackDown!. But it's not you, Sable, that's not your job. I have some other jobs suggested for you. No, as a matter of fact, the person I'm about to name as your new general manager, well, he's someone who quite frankly tried to put me out of business. He's someone that if he's around you for a lengthened time, you find yourself reaching for his throat just so you could strangle him. But... but, nonetheless without a doubt, this person is one of the most ingenious, creative, and manipulative minds in the history of this business. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new general manager of SmackDown!, I give you Paul Heyman!

November 6

The Undertaker: See, this all goes way beyond the WWE title. This is also very personal. On Survivor Series night, I will have worked for this company for 13 years. And in those 13 years, Vince McMahon has screwed with me professionally and personally. Vince McMahon does not respect me. Vince McMahon does not respect anybody other than Vince McMahon. When I walk into that arena in Dallas, Texas, when I walk into that locker room, those guys in there, they show me respect. They show me respect because in return, I show them respect. Whether I wrestle against them, whether I fight them, we have a mutual respect. We're gladiators, and we go out there and lay it on the line. Vince McMahon on the other hand, respects no one. And for all the people, through all the years that Vince has disrespected, he's gonna have to atone for. Bret Hart, Steve Austin, the list is endless. And I think Vince respects his family even less than he does us. Vince is a man who disrespects his wife by flaunting his affairs for the whole world to see, with no remorse. This is a man who shoves his wife down, in front of the world. Here is a man who takes his only daughter, puts her in a match against himself, and knocks her around, and ends up choking her, until Linda had to throw in a towel to save her own daughter. Then this is all pretty much normal activity to Vince McMahon. Well, I'm a firm believer, and I think this [gestures his heart] with everything that I am, I think that in every man's life, there comes a time where you have to be held accountable for your actions. Everyone. Even if your name is Vince McMahon.

November 13

Kurt Angle: Listen, the next step is Survivor Series, all right?

Chris Benoit: Whoa whoa whoa, what were you thinking? Have you lost your damn mind?! You picked him? Him to be my partner tonight? And to be the fifth member on our team at Survivor Series? How can we trust him? How can we trust him?! Hmm? This guy has made a career of trying to tear us down. And you picked him to be on our team?

Angle: Wait a minute, Benoit. News flash! I can say the same exact thing about you. I don't like you. And I don't trust you either. And I know you feel the same exact way about me. But sometimes in business, you have to get along with the people that you absolutely detest in order to reach a common goal, and you know that! So don't give me that crap. [John Cena is behind Benoit]

John Cena: You know Chris, I don't like you either. [Benoit gets in Cena's face]

Angle: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on, hold on! Hey save it for tonight, save it for tonight guys. Come on, come on.

Cena: Yo captive, don't sweat yourself.

Angle: Easy.

Cena: Only reason I'm teaming with you and Kojak is to get a shot at Team Sasquatch. If I gotta team with you to get a shot at Team Lesnar, well that be's like that sometimes. Just remember out there bro, you can't see me.

Benoit: He tries one thing, ONE THING, to try to screw me tonight, and I am going to take his head off, and then, I'm gonna come looking for you.

November 20

Brock Lesnar: Do you have any idea what you have put me through this week? Do you have any idea what I've been going through since last Sunday? Because of you guys... no, it was you guys that lost to Kurt Angle's team last Sunday at Survivor Series. Because of you guys, I tapped out to Chris Benoit. Because of you guys, I have to listen to those people say, "You tapped out! You tapped out!" Do you realize... you don't have any idea how degrading that is! (grabs WWE championship belt) I'm the WWE Champion! Get a good look at that! Maybe someday, you'll become it if you step up to the plate! I'm the WWE Champion and I deserve some respect around here! And respect is what I'm gonna get. I've spoken to Paul Heyman to address this issue. Tonight, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones, A-Train, Big Show, each one of you guys is gonna get a chance to redeem yourself for what you did last Sunday. Starting off with my first problem, a guy, no, a problem that has been messing with me this entire week, Chris Benoit. Tonight, Chris Benoit is gonna face (pointing Nathan Jones) you, Nathan Jones. That's right, Nathan. What do you think about that? Huh? Yeah!

Nathan Jones: Yeah!

Brock: God, you're one ugly...

Nathan: Yeah!

Brock: You are one ugly bastard, you know that? That's what I like about you. Tonight, I want you to take Chris Benoit and squish him like the parasite that he is. And to make sure of that, it will be me standing in your corner. All right? Now, on to my second problem, (turning to Big Show) John Cena, the guy that pinned you, Big Show, last Sunday to gain the victory for Kurt Angle's team. The guy that took you, a 500-pound, seven-foot tall giant, picked him up over his head and gave you the FU.

Big Show: I know who he is.

Brock: Well, what are you gonna do about it, huh?

Big Show: You giving me John Cena?

Brock: I'm giving you John Cena.

Big Show: I want John Cena!

Brock: Well, good. Good. You got John Cena tonight. Now get the hell out of my face! You guys disgust me!

---

Kane: I came here tonight to give a eulogy for my brother, the Undertaker, the man that I buried alive at Survivor Series. But I can't do that. The truth is, the man that we knew as the Undertaker, has been dead for a long time. My brother and I used to share a common bond, we were monsters, we lived to strike fear into the hearts of normal men, THAT was who we were. But my brother, the Undertaker, committed the most unpardonable of all sins: He betrayed himself. He became one of you. I know, I watched as he showed compassion and defended Stephanie McMahon. I watched as he showed weakness in losing to Brock Lesnar. This man was not my brother. This man was not a monster. A monster shows no compassion. A monster has no weaknesses. My brother was nothing but a FRAUD. When I stopped that, I took this impostor, I buried him alive... and I enjoyed it. As I look around all I see is a mass of pathetic insects that I can destroy any time I wanted. But at least you people are true your nature. My brother was not. But thanks to me, you will never have to see his pathetic carcass again. This so called 'Deadman' was dead and buried long before Survivor Series. So all I have to say... is rest in peace, my brother. Rest in peace!

December 18

John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo. Chill chill chill.

'Tis the season to be spreading love and holiday cheer!
I'm bitched, I've been getting ripped off for 26 years.
I asked for presents, all I ever got was yellow snow.
So this year I turn Mrs. Claus into a ho-ho-ho.
Christmas Eve, when Santa Claus is skippin' over my house,
I be in his crib with my hand up Mrs. Claus' blouse.
And when his fat ass gets stuck down some small chimney,
well she be hangin' off the balls from my Christmas tree.
Yo. With all the other elves up there, I don't know who else been at it.
So when I give 'em my Christmas present, I make damn sure that I rap it.
So put out your milk and cookies for ol' St. Nick.
The longer he's gone, the longer Mrs. Claus is workin' my...

Crowd: DICK!

2004

January 1

Dawn Marie: Paul, when are you gonna give me the cover of SmackDown! Magazine like you promised? [door opens]

Paul Heyman: Dawn, take a walk, now! [Chris Benoit has entered Heyman's office, laughing] I uh, I suppose you're proud of yourself, huh?

Chris Benoit: Well, for someone who wasn't even supposed to be in the Royal Rumble, you may be looking at the next winner of the Royal Rumble. No, no in fact, you're looking at the next WWE Champion.

Heyman: Is that a fact?

Benoit: That's a fact.

Heyman: See, Chris, I think this, this is the time that you and I should have a man-to-man talk.

Benoit: Man-to-man?

Heyman: Because you see, there is a difference between me and everybody that comes to see SmackDown! live.

Benoit: Right. Yeah.

Heyman: They're working grunts. Me, I'm management. You have nothing, nothing that differs you between you and everybody that comes to SmackDown! because you're just like everybody else, Chris. You're a working stiff. You're a common working man. You're a working grunt for management like me. See Chris, people like you, they get stopped dead in their tracks by people like me. Sometimes you get stopped because of injury. Sometimes you get stopped because of fate. Well, my friend, at the Royal Rumble, you get stopped by management. Oh you can scratch, and you can claw, and you can work your way to the top, like everybody out there pursuing the American Dream, but you know what happens, Chris? People like me stop people like you! You give up time with your family, you take time away from your wife and your children to be number one. Well, Chris, I'm gonna make you number one! But not the number one at being the WWE Champion, no my friend. I'm gonna make you number one, 'cause you are the number one entrant into the Royal Rumble! You're number one! You're the first guy that will be in the Royal Rumble! 29 OTHER PEOPLE COME AFTER YOUR ASS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! [Benoit grabs Heyman's hand]

Benoit: DO I UNDERSTAND YOU?! DO I UNDERSTAND YOU?!

Heyman: You're breaking--

Benoit: MY WIFE, MY KIDS, MY SACRIFICES? You understand me, I will win the Royal Rumble, I will be the next WWE Champion, and you won't, you'll never, break my will!

January 22

Josh Mathews: Mr. Heyman, now with all due respect, how did you feel last week --

Paul Heyman: Respect? Respect?! There is no more respect, Josh! There's no respect for authority! There's no respect for the English language! There's no more respect for the general manager of SmackDown!, Paul Heyman! Now is there?! And that's all thanks to that thug, John Cena and Chris Benoit. That all changes tonight, 'cause tonight is the start of a whole new SmackDown!. And I'll tell you why, Josh. I look at the leadership of Vince McMahon, who took this industry out of the dirty, smoking bingo hall and brought sports entertainment to beautiful brand new arenas. John Cena and Chris Benoit have ruined SmackDown!. They appeal to the lowest common denominator, and I'm gonna upgrade the demographic here. I am gonna present SmackDown! to first-class high society, an all-American network presentation, under the leadership of Paul Heyman. You know and I know that this industry was founded on the puritanical values, the morals of the United States of America! The same morals, the same values that John Cena and Chris Benoit violate with their thuggery and their hip-hop, and their rap, so tonight, we're gonna change all that. Because tonight, Chris Benoit and John Cena will compete in that very ring against the team of Rhyno, and Matt Morgan, and The Big Show, the United States Heavyweight Champion, and Brock Lesnar, the WWE Champion! And I'm gonna be there ringside to watch these four men decimate John Cena and Chris Benoit and show the world that the very last person you ever wanna mess with is named Paul Heyman.

January 29

Paul Heyman: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Paul Heyman's SmackDown!. [crowd boos] Tonight, on my show -- [Mr. McMahon's music hits]

Tazz: What the hell?

Michael Cole: Well we didn't expect Mr. McMahon here tonight. And he does not look happy.

Tazz: Cole, can you believe the mood is about to change. The chairman of the board is power walking his way to the ring.

Cole: Look at Mr., Mr. Heyman's expression. Paul Heyman looks shocked to see the, the owner of the company here!

Mr. McMahon: Well Mr. Heyman. Tonight was to have been a night of celebration. Tonight was to have been a night to have seen the winner of the 2004 Royal Rumble match walk down that aisle into this ring. Tonight was to have been a night of celebration for Chris Benoit in front of this crowd here in Washington, DC! [crowd cheers] That's not gonna happen, is it? That's not gonna happen, and why isn't is Chris Benoit gonna be here tonight? Unless my eyes clearly deceive me, I saw Chris Benoit being welcomed to Raw by Stone Cold Steve Austin last Monday night. Unless my eyes deceive me, I clearly saw Chris Benoit look into the eyes of Triple H and challenge him for the World title at WrestleMania. You see Mr. Heyman, what's happened is because of you. Because of you, Chris Benoit has jumped through what we call a legal loophole. You see, it says clearly the winner of the Royal Rumble will face the champion at WrestleMania, but it doesn't say which champion now, does it? And since you've made Benoit's life a living hell here on SmackDown!, Benoit chose to jump through that legal loophole and is now the sole property of Raw. And that's because of you, Mr. Heyman. So now, I would at least expect some sort of explanation for the SmackDown! audience. I would expect you, I would expect you to at least apologize to the SmackDown! audience. I'm sure you have something to day, don't you? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?!

Heyman: Well, I say SCREW CHRIS BENOIT! [crowd boos] Uh, I uh, yeah, I say screw Chris Benoit, and the reason why I say that Vince, is because it's exactly the same thing that Vincent Kennedy McMahon would say. When, when, when Nash and Hall left your company when you needed them most, did you just cry about it? No, you said SCREW NASH AND HALL! I'll give someone else the opportunity! When, when the almighty God himself, Hulk Hogan left your company, did you just curl up in a fetal position and die? No, Vincent Kennedy McMahon said SCREW HULK HOGAN! I'll give someone else the chance. When Bret Hart left your company, did you just cry over spilled milk? No, you said screw Bret Hart, and you did screw Bret Hart, didn't you Vince?

McMahon: Yes I did.

Heyman: And you screwed Bret Hart by giving someone else the opportunity to become the main event. The big star all the way to WrestleMania.

McMahon: Where, where's all this going? Come on, let's get to the point.

Heyman: Tonight, in our nation's capital, in the finest tradition of the United States, and in the finest tradition of your World Wrestling Entertainment, we are gonna give someone the opportunity, because tonight, for the first time ever on network television, right here in Washington, DC, [crowd cheers] Paul Heyman's SmackDown! will present the Royal Rumble!

Cole: What?!

Tazz: Whoa.

Cole: The Royal Rumble?!

Tazz: What's he talking about?

Heyman: Fifteen SmackDown!, no I'm, I'm I'm very much intact, Vince, fifteen SmackDown! superstars will come down that aisle, and only one man will emerge victorious. And Vince, that man won't have to wait until WrestleMania to face Brock Lesnar for the WWE title. No no no. The winner tonight will go on to face Brock Lesnar for the WWE title in less than three weeks at No Way Out. Now just so you know that I'm all business about this, Vince. Matt Morgan was in the Royal Rumble this past Sunday, you know that now he's on the injured list. Matt Morgan will be replaced tonight, his opportunity goes to a man that I don't like, Hardcore Holly.

Cole: Wow.

Heyman: Chris Benoit, remember? Screw Chris Benoit? Give his opportunity to somebody else? Tonight, Chris Benoit's opportunity goes to Eddie Guerrero!

Cole: Oh my!

Tazz: Wow!

Heyman: And Vince, look. Look Vince, I did my homework, I'm prepared. The way you like your executives to be. A professional man. Those two men, Hardcore Holly and Eddie Guerrero, will join in this very ring, your very ring, Vince. John Cena, The Cat, The A-Train, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, Nunzio, Kurt Angle, Bradshaw, Rhyno, Billy Gunn, Rikishi, Tajiri, and the seven-foot tall, 500 pound monster that dominated the Royal Rumble, like no man before him, tonight in this very ring, The Big Show! Now Vince, hey, this is your company. You're the chairman of the board, you're the majority stockholder. And you have every right to come out here and say, screw Paul Heyman! I'll give someone else the opportunity. Or you can share this vision, Vince. This is, this is after all just, just coming out of your vision. And you can see this, Vince. We can make history together tonight, Vince. Network television history right here in Washington, DC, we can do it all over again, and tonight in your very ring, and present a Royal Rumble! It's up to you Vince. What do you say?

McMahon: I say SmackDown! has a Royal Rumble!

Cole: All right!

Tazz: Yeah!

February 19

Brock Lesnar: I'm not even supposed to be here tonight. Paul Heyman told me that I could have the night off, but I just couldn't stay home. I have too much pride. That WWE Championship meant too much to me, I can't stay home. That championship was my life. Unlike Eddie Guerrero, who doesn't appreciate the damn thing at all. Eddie's probably, Eddie's probably gonna go out and, Eddie's probably gonna go out and pawn that thing off anyways. That's just how it is, and Eddie doesn't deserve that title. That title was everything to me. I mean, I'm an All-American kind of guy. I was a great WWE Champion and I don't understand why that you people can treat me like this. I can't believe it. I'm a great U.S. citizen. I'm an outstanding, I'm an outstanding guy. I'm an NCAA champion. I was, in my heart, I believe, the greatest WWE Champion in history. I mean, Eddie Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero is a lying, cheating, champion. That's exactly how Eddie won my title! Eddie Guerrero capitalized on Bill Goldberg! Eddie Guerrero STOLE MY TITLE! Eddie Guerrero might be the champion, but I guarantee it Eddie, your day will come and Brock Lesnar will become the WWE Champion once again. But, Bill Goldberg, I got a score to settle with you! It was because of you, Bill, is why I lost my WWE title! Because of you, Bill, my life hasn't been the same! Because of you, Bill, I can't sleep at night! Bill Goldberg, you're gonna feel the pain! Bill Goldberg, I'm gonna break you in half! That's what I'm gonna do to you Bill! So Vince, Mr. McMahon, I know you're listening to me right now, and I know you're gonna see this, I don't care, I don't care what Stone Cold Steve Austin thinks. I don't care what Paul Heyman thinks. I don't care what Eric Bischoff thinks. Mr. McMahon, I'm begging you. I am begging you, Mr. McMahon. No wait, [Lesnar hesitates, then gets on his knees] Mr. McMahon, I'm begging you from the bottom of my heart, please, please at WrestleMania XX, I'm begging you, at WrestleMania XX, give me Brock Lesnar versus Goldberg!

March 18

John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! Damn y'all are alive tonight! [crowd chants "Cena"] This is my home. This is where I'm from. Y'all are my peoples. Hell, I used to buy tickets for the old Boston Garden. I could only afford the cheap ones where I was sitting right behind the pole. But that's real, and we gotta kick this off real. Now is Beantown here to represent?

Crowd: Hell yes!

Cena: So let me hear the whole building make some noise! [crowd cheers] You see, uh, at WrestleMania, Big Show didn't think I was a fighter. I put him on an FU diet. He came out ten pounds lighter. The SmackDown! video games are only way he could me. I bring championships home like my name was Tom Brady. But there's some people out there, that think I disgraced this title's heritage. [crowd boos] That's 'cause your boy's causing more controversies than gay marriages. Cole, Cole, no offense bro, we still cool right? [Tazz laughs]

Michael Cole: What?

Cena: All right bro. All right. Plus, the FCC is crackin' down on me too. [crowd boos] Man, those people suck! Just like the Yankees do. [crowd cheers, then chants "Yankees suck"] But I'm still throwin' the W up, changing the whole industry, I'm like the big dick bro. Nobody can finish me.

Cole: John Cena all fired up tonight.

Tony Chimel: And his opponent,

Cole: His first U.S. title defense, [Paul Heyman's music hits]

Tazz: Oh whoa whoa!

Cole: Wait a minute, that's not Cena's opponent.

Tazz: The hell? [Paul Heyman comes out]

Cole: That's our general manager, Paul Heyman. Leave it to Heyman to ruin a great homecoming.

Paul Heyman: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. [crowd boos] The rumors are true. Brock Lesnar is no longer with Paul Heyman's SmackDown!. Brock Lesnar has left World Wrestling Entertainment. But for you John, that could be good news, because now that Brock Lesnar's gone, there's a whole world of opportunity for any SmackDown! superstar that wants to grab it. Which means you John, could be the new face of SmackDown!. But it doesn't have to be that way. You see, this coming Monday, live in Detroit, Michigan, every ungrateful member of that Paul Heyman's SmackDown! locker room will be at Monday Night Raw, including you John. And by order of the chairman of the board, Mr. McMahon, the representative of Raw is gonna pick out names. And if a member of the SmackDown! locker room happens to be one of those names, then that member of SmackDown! goes to Raw. And if I, John, happen to pick out a name of a Raw superstar, then that Raw superstar gets drafted to Paul Heyman's brand new SmackDown!. You see John, if I were one of the superstars, if I were in that locker room tonight, I would get down on my hands and my knees and I would pray to God that I get drafted to Monday Night Raw because those that get left behind are going to incur the wrath of Paul Heyman. So let me spell this out for you so that even you can understand it John. I'm very stressed out. I got stunned by Stone Cold because of that locker room, AND I WANT EVERY MEMBER OF MY LOCKER ROOM GONE! I WANT YOU OFF OF MY SHOW! YOU CONTEMPTIBLE PIECE OF BOSTON CRAP! [slaps Cena]

Cole: Oh ho!

Tazz: Man.

Heyman: DO YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M FINISHED WITH YOU! I'm, I'm gonna -- [tries to hit Cena but Cena blocks]

Tazz: Uh-oh! [Cena knocks out Heyman]

Cole: And a right hand to the jaw of Heyman!

March 25

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: If you'll listen, I'll explain to you what happened last week. Because I really feel that I was horribly, horribly misunderstood. [crowd boos] Oh come on. If you'll just listen to me, you'll understand and you'll appreciate the fact that what I did was the right thing. You see, Ron Simmons, you don't understand, he's my best friend. He always has been. We've drank more beer, and we've been up more roads than most of you people ever imagine. So when Paul Heyman quit Monday night on Raw, I knew this was my chance. I knew this was my chance to get Ron's job back. I knew this was my chance to make sure that the APA stayed in business. [crowd cheers] But I'm not gonna do that. [crowd boos] Listen, I'm explaining, please! I've got a lot more than just wrestling going on. I appreciate everything that Ron Simmons has done for me. I appreciate years and years of friendship. But I've got a portfolio that has beat the stock market seven out of the last seven years! That is phenomenal. I've got a financial book by Simon & Schuster out, and I'm writing another book right now on keeping America strong. I've got a radio show that starts May 1, we're gonna talk about politics. We're gonna talk about finances. You people are gonna love this radio show. I have become the top financial analyst on network TV. Fox News loves to have me on. I could not, I simply could not walk away from all that I've got.

You people - get off your high horse! - you people would have done the exact same thing that I did, given the opportunity. If you'd have been in my shoes, which you're not, you people would have done the same thing. You see, it's time that you people quit listening to your little Sunday school fairy tales. It's time you start listening to a guy like Prince Machiavelli, who will tell you that there is no wrong and there is no right in society, that people do things because they want something back. There is simple cause and effect. You see, I understand that.

That is why people like me are people that run businesses. People like me are people that run industries. People like me are people that run governments. I have - the only thing I sold was stock about two weeks ago before terrorism scared the market, and I made a hell of a lot of money, so you can stop the "you sold out" chants right now. I have always been smarter, I have always been better, and I have always worked harder than anybody else around me. That is why I have always been considered an impact player. My picture hangs in my old high school. My picture hangs in my old college. Look it up, it's a matter of history. I don't have to pad my résumé. Normal people are astounded by my résumé because normal people never let their dreams get beyond their front door because they are scared of failure. I have never been scared of failure, and I have never failed. I have succeeded in everything but one thing and that is wrestling. Because I thought it was more important to have a good time. To drink beer, to play cards, to visit our troops. What I wanna tell you something, that's good and fine, but that ain't got me jack. So something speaks to happen around here. You're fixing to see an impact. And if you know anything about history you know this: what I say I do, and what I do, I do very, very well. So get ready for the impact that's coming. Buckle your seats, boys and girls. Business is about to pick up.

May 6

Michael Cole: Well ladies and gentlemen, as we promised, from New York City, John "Bradshaw" Layfield. [crowd boos]

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: You hear that response, Michael Cole? Do you? It's like somehow for some reason, those people there in your live audience think in some way, somehow I was responsible for what happened to Eddie Guerrero's mother?

Cole: Well Bradshaw, we have seen the footage. Let's just get right to the point. Why would you engage in such despicable actions on a night when Eddie Guerrero and his family were honoring the matriarch of the Guerrero family? What prompted you to commit such an act as to manhandle a woman of her age and cause her to have a heart attack?

JBL: Whoa whoa whoa right there. Manhandle? Pick your words a little more carefully. The only person I manhandled was Eddie Guerrero. I quietly, simply, and politely asked the old lady Guer -- Mrs. Guerrero to leave the ring so that I could finish my business with her little baby boy, Eddie.

Cole: Bradshaw, no disrespect, but "politely"? I didn't see anything polite about you causing a, a woman to have a heart attack.

JBL: Causing a heart attack? Watch your accusations Michael Cole. Now these people may like having 18 to 20 of them living in the same house. And that may be fine with them. But that doesn't mean you bring your ever little snot-nosed kid and 100-year-old grandmother into the ring. That is my place of business. It was not bring your family to work day. Eddie Guerrero had no right, ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT, bringing his family to the ring.

Tazz: Well I, John, Bradshaw, not for nothing I mean, don't you think you owe the Guerrero family an apology at the very least?

JBL: An apology?!

Tazz: Mrs. Guerrero, yeah.

JBL: You've got to be kidding me, Tazz! To who? To Eddie? To some elderly lady who's already outlived her days here on this Earth? Eddie Guerrero put his family in harm's way. That's his business. But if he does that, then he has to take responsibility. Eddie has to take responsibility for the circumstances and what happens, the consequences.

Cole: Well and Bradshaw, i - is that why you're not here tonight in Tucson? Because you don't wanna face the circumstances?

JBL: You watch your mouth, Michael Cole. You hear me? There is a reason I'm in New York City. I am a businessman. I work for CNBC, the most respected financial news network in the world. That is why I'm in New York. You see if I was there, the hothead that Eddie Guerrero has proved that he is, would probably do something dumb. And he would get hurt. So what I'm doing is, I'm giving Eddie a reprieve. A gift. But next week I will be there. And May 16, at Judgment Day, Los Angeles, I damn sure will be there because that is the day, the very day, you mark it down, that John "Bradshaw" Layfield becomes the new WWE Champion. You know as a matter of fact Michael Cole, now that I think about it, I don't think the old lady had a heart attack at all. I think she faked every single bit of it.

Cole: You gotta be kidding me. Faking it?

JBL: Think about it Michael Cole, she's a Guerrero. She didn't teach her kid the ABC's. She taught him to lie, cheat, and steal. It was bred into him. A star was made into its purest form. I was bred for success. That's why you are interviewing me. I'm gonna come there and I can beat up Eddie Guerrero for free. But I'm gonna wait for the pay-per-view. You see, that's good business. That's smart business. My parents bred me for success. My people came to this country in a boat. Not an inner tube! Michael Cole, this interview, just like Eddie Guerrero's title reign, has ended.

June 10

[John "Bradshaw" Layfield is disgusted at the unkempt appearance of the Nassau Coliseum and wants his limo driver to drive him back to New York City]

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: A rich man don't work when a rich man don't want to. Let's go driver. I look way too good not to be in New York City tonight. Let's go! [signals intercom] Hey, let's go! [no response] Idiot! Who hired these morons [tries again and opens partition] Hey, moron, I said let's go! Take me back to New York City now!

Driver: New York City? [driver takes off his hat revealing it's Eddie Guerrero]

JBL: Hey!! What are you..?

Eddie Guerrero: Órale Holmes! We ain't going to New York City, but we are going for a ride. And it's gonna be better than Disneyland, órale Holmes - hey, does this, have any any hydraulics? [presses button and partition goes back up] Yeah, ha, vato loco.

JBL: What do you mean hydraulics?!?! Get me out of here, idiot, you're stealing my... [tries to pound windows and open the door, but they're all locked]

Guerrero: [as JBL jabbers at the back] It's time! [drives off]

June 17

Paul Heyman: So, the Dudley Boyz are the new WWE Tag Team Champions, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is thanks to the motivational skills of Paul Heyman. Now you should be happy that you got to witness that piece of history tonight, because one man did not get to witness it. That man is Paul Bearer, because Paul Bearer is in, shall we say, protective custody, which means, Paul Bearer missed it when history took a major, major turn. [footage from the previous week's episode of SmackDown! is shown]

Michael Cole: This was last week on SmackDown!, and I still cannot believe what happened. Paul Heyman gave The Undertaker a choice to make; join me or never see Paul Bearer again. And in my estimation, The Undertaker had no choice, but I still never thought I would see this.

Tazz: I was shocked as you were Cole. Everybody in Long Island there at the Nassau Coliseum was shocked. Everyone home, the SmackDown! fans were shocked. Right there you see, Undertaker bowing to the urn, bowing to Paul Heyman?

Heyman: Why? Why would The Undertaker bow down in servitude to a man like Paul Heyman? Because I control The Undertaker's conscience. I control the destiny of The Undertaker's conscience, and that conscience, ladies and gentlemen, is named Paul Bearer. [crowd chants "you suck"] It's not nice to antagonize a powerful man like me because you see, ladies and gentlemen, there will come a day where The Undertaker will realize that he should be loyal to me, simply based on my greatness. But in the meantime, I have to come to the realization that The Undertaker feels for Paul Bearer. The Undertaker cares for Paul Bearer. And that is a weakness of The Undertaker that I'm willing to exploit. Because ladies and gentlemen, even the big dog needs to be trained. So at The Great American Bash, I have arranged for The Undertaker to face, in a handicap match, the new WWE Tag Team Champions, the Dudley Boyz.

Tazz: What?

Heyman: But, but there's so much more. Because at The Great American Bash, ladies and gentlemen, I promise you The Undertaker will do the right thing. The Undertaker will do the right thing or he'll find himself in a situation that for you, is a must-see situation. I like to call it live free or die. [removes a covering revealing a coffin] You see, at The Great American Bash, there is going to be a crypt, represented tonight by this coffin right here. [opens the coffin] And this coffin tonight represents the crypt that I will have at The Great American Bash, and in that crypt, will be The Undertaker's conscience, Paul Bearer. And also at The Great American Bash, ladies and gentlemen, there will be a cement truck. Coincidentally, just like the cement truck that you see right here tonight in Chicago, Illinois. The Undertaker, at The Great American Bash, will do the right thing, or at my command, the cement will flow, and Paul Bearer will find himself in a most terrible situation. [the cement truck pours cement into the coffin, filling it up] Now ladies and gentlemen, much like when you go to a car dealership, and you drive a demo car, this is just a mere demonstration. Because at The Great American Bash, I am having a monstrosity built. First time ever you've seen anything like this. There will be a crypt that will be made out of 3-inch thick glass, and it will be yay tall, and inside that crypt will be The Undertaker's conscience, Paul Bearer. Now the reason why the glass is 3 inches thick all the way around and all the way up tall is so that each and every one of you can see in, but no one can bust Paul Bearer out. Now I promise you, at The Great American Bash, The Undertaker will do the right thing, or I will give the word, and that crypt will start to flow in the cement, and the cement will rise above Paul Bearer's legs, the cement will rise above Paul Bearer's torso, the cement will go all the way up to Paul Bearer's chin, and at that moment, I will say "stop". Because at that point, I promise you, The Undertaker will do the right thing. 'Cause I'm gonna wanna look at the pained expression on The Undertaker's face. I'm gonna wanna see emotion from the Deadman, and if The Undertaker doesn't do the right thing, I will give the word and the cement will go over Paul Bearer's mouth, it will go over Paul Bearer's nose, it will engulf his eyes, it will engulf his head, and right before your very eyes, ladies and gentlemen, The Undertaker's conscience will be suffocated and will be no more. Now that's at The Great American Bash. I also have a demonstration for you live here tonight. Because live here tonight, in Chicago will be The Undertaker. [crowd cheers] Who will bow down at the feet of greatness of Paul Heyman.

July 1

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: Thank you. Thank you very much. As our late great former President Ronald Reagan once said, it's morning again in America! It's the dawn of a new era. The John "Bradshaw" Layfield era. And I promise to this, to all of my fans. I will become the most popular WWE Champion of all time. I know, I know how America loves a winner. And America, I will give you that love back. I will shake hands with you, America. All of my fans. Of course I prefer a, nod of recognition for no other reasons than sanitary reasons of course, I mean, shaking hands, you can get germs, and honestly you don't want your champion getting sick now, do you? And for those of you who insist on shaking my hand, I want to tell you, don't be offended by the fact that I will take out a little hand sanitizer. [rubs his hands with hand sanitizer as the crowd chants "Eddie"]

Michael Cole: The Eddie chants begin here in Fayetteville.

JBL: Because I want you to know folks, it's not personal. It's just personal hygiene. Because I will kiss your babies. As long of course if, if they don't smell bad, they don't spit up or they don't have runny noses. And I want you fans to get to know me, okay? I prefer to be called Mr. Bradshaw. But if you wanna be familiar with me, you can call me Champion. Or Champ! Because I am the WWE Champion. You see, after Ronald Reagan passed away, and John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King were taken from us, at such an early age, what you need America, is a champion. I am proud, I am proud to be your champion. So I don't mind you saying it, you can say it now if you want. JBL. JBL. Come on. JBL. JBL. JBL. Because that will inspire me, that will inspire me to be the fighting champion that I will be, unlike Eddie Guerrero. You see, I went into Kurt Angle's office and I looked him in the eye, and I said, Mr. Angle, I want a fight tonight. I don't want to rest to my morals as champion. I want to defend this WWE Championship, and not just against anybody, but against somebody who was at The Great American Bash. And I plan on defending this tonight. Right here. Right here in, right here in, [walks over to a ringside technician] right here in Fayetteville, North Carolina! And Mr. Angle told me that I can choose the person that I want to defend my championship against. As long as that person was not Eddie Guerrero. Because, quite honestly, I feel like Eddie's fallen off the wagon. Right now, Eddie's not here. If he were here, he'd walk in this ring like a man, shake my hand, and tell me the better man won last Sunday. But he won't do that, because Eddie Guerrero, right now, I'm sad to say is probably knee deep in a bottle of pills, or knee deep in a bottle of vodka. And it hurts me very very badly. It pained me to know that you had a champion that you people were ashamed of. Be ashamed no more, because the era of John "Bradshaw" Layfield has arrived. And I promise you this, I vow, no wait, I guarantee, I guaranteed victory at Judgment Day, and I guaranteed I would be the new WWE Champion at The Great American Bash. So I now guarantee to you, my fellow Americans, that I will be a champion that you can be proud of. Thank you, and God bless America.

July 22

Kurt Angle: There has been a lot of talk about my actions last week on SmackDown!. I have been called a liar, a con artist, and quite frankly, it hurts because you people have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I'm an extraordinary human being capable of doing extraordinary things. In case you forgot, I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken neck. And last week, when I saw Eddie Guerrero, who I despise, who brings shame and disgrace to this company, who was about to regain the WWE Championship, I sucked it up, set aside my pain, and did what I had to do to make sure it didn't happen. I did the impossible. Do I believe in miracles? Yes, I do. And sure, afterwards, I regressed, my doctors told me that my actions enabled me to further damage my knee. My therapists told me that I risked permanent paralysis. But it was worth it. It was worth it for the greater good, to maintain Kurt Angle's SmackDown!. Where men are rewarded by morality. Where men, like John Cena, are stripped of the U.S. Championship. Where men, like John "Bradshaw" Layfield, stand tall as the WWE Champion. A SmackDown! where Eddie Guerrero becomes obsolete. That's right, Eddie! [hears "Eddie" chants] You see, Eddie Guerrero, what he did was wrong. But I'll tell you what. I'm gonna give Eddie Guerrero a chance tonight to keep his job because what he did, I could fire Eddie on the spot. But I'm a decent man, so I'm not gonna do that. But, there's one thing that Eddie Guerrero has to do. He has to come out here and he has to convince me to keep his job, provided that he begs for it. If Eddie Guerrero gets on his knees and begs in front of me for his job back, I promise, as general manager of SmackDown!, I will let him keep his job. But it's got to be good and it's got to be sincere. And I'll show you what I'm talking about. [Turns to Tony Chimel] Tony, would you come in the ring? And bring your microphone.

[Tony Chimel enters the ring]

Kurt Angle: In case you don't know who this man is, this is our ring announcer and Philadelphia's own, Tony Chimel. [audience cheers] Mr. Chimel is a great significance to me because he was the ring announcer at my last match, WrestleMania XX. The match where Eddie Guerrero cheated to win. And the last image that keeps going over and over and over and over again in my head is Tony Chimel, with a smile on his face, announcing, "And the winner is Eddie Guerrero!" Now, Mr. Chimel, in case you didn't know, when you cheat, you don't win which makes you a liar. And in my book, that's immediate grounds for dismissal. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you saying I'm a liar? Is that what you're saying? No? I'll tell you what, Tony Chimel. I could fire you on the spot. But I'll tell you what. If you can convince me to keep your job, I'll let you have your job. Go ahead.

Tony Chimel: Kurt, I...

Kurt Angle: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Knees. On your knees.

Tony Chimel: [getting on his knees] Mr. Angle, I sincerely apologize if I offended you in any way. Please, just let me keep my job. Please.

Kurt Angle: Are you kidding me? You call that begging? Say it like you mean it!

Tony Chimel: Mr. Angle, please. Please, I have a wife and three kids. I just... just wanna have my job, please.

Kurt Angle: All right, all right, all right. That was good. Much better. Actually, that was really good, but not good enough. Tony Chimel, YOU'RE FIRED! [audience boos] NOW, GET OUT OF MY RING! GO, NOW!

[Tony Chimel leaves the ring]

Kurt Angle: I'm sorry, but Tony Chimel's not a very good beggar. But don't worry, people, because someone will be begging for their job tonight. And that man is Eddie Guerrero.

---

Funaki: This is Funaki, SmackDown! number one announcer! Tonight, I'm here Kurt Angle's office reporting on the very special announcement. Okay, Kurt.

Kurt Angle: Excuse me, if you're done butchering my language, I brought you in here because finally, there's someone here on SmackDown!, a superstar that I can be proud of, and his name is Booker T. Booker, will you please join me? [Booker T enters] Now, Book, you're everything I want in a superstar here on SmackDown!. You're professional, you're a sharp dresser, and nothing would make me prouder than to present you with the United States Championship. [showing the United States Championship belt]

Tazz: Wow.

Booker T: You're kidding me, right?

Kurt Angle: No. [lifting Funaki's arm]

Booker T: You for real, dawg?

Kurt Angle: Oh, yeah.

Booker T: You talking about making me, Booker T, the United States Champion tonight? That's what you're saying, man.

[Booker T tries to take the belt]

Kurt Angle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Yes and no. Now, now, listen, Book.

Booker T: Come on, man.

Kurt Angle: Technically, I can't do it just yet, but immediately after the show, I'm gonna have a meeting with the members of the board, and by next week, you'll be the new United States Champion. But tonight, just for old time sakes, I'm gonna let you hold the title.

Booker T: You're letting me hold the title?

Kurt Angle: Oh, it's true.

[Kurt Angle gives Booker T the United States Championship belt]

Booker T: Hey, I appreciate that, Kurt Angle. [Kurt Angle applauds] Thank you, man.

[Booker T shakes Kurt Angle's hand]:

Kurt Angle: You are welcome. You are welcome.

Booker T: I'm outta here, dawg.

[Booker T leaves the office]

Funaki: Hey, Mr. Angle, that's not fair! That's not fair!

Kurt Angle: Not fair? You're telling me it's not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair. The fact that you're a broadcast journalist and you can't even say "broadcast journalist". Go ahead, try and say it.

Funaki: I'm a SmackDown!...

Kurt Angle: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Not number one announcer, say "broadcast journalist".

[Funaki struggles to say "broadcast journalist" then Kurt Angle grabs the microphone]

Kurt Angle: You know what? You're a disgrace to this microphone. You're a disgrace to my SmackDown!. And, Funaki, I'll tell you what's fair, YOU'RE FIRED! [takes Funaki's microphone] Now, get out! What are you doing? Get out of my office!

[Funaki leaves the office]

Kurt Angle: Unfair?

---

Kurt Angle: Ladies, before you begin, there's something I need to say. Now, I've taken a heart, the fact that you feel overlooked and underutilized and I have to say there's been a major misunderstanding. See, you say that you've been underutilized. Well, I say that you're plain useless. I mean, what purpose do you serve? Wrestling in your lingerie? Nobody wants to see that! What was I thinking? So, ladies, I'm gonna spare you the indignity of wrestling in your underwear or begging for your jobs because, as of now, you no longer have jobs. Ladies, the four of you... ARE FIRED!

September 9

[as the lumberjack match between Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle has turned into a brawl involving all of the lumberjacks]

Michael Cole: Hell has broken loose on SmackDown!.

Tazz: It's breakin' down in Tulsa, baby!

[suddenly the pyro goes off and Big Show's music hits]

Michael: Wait a minute!!

Tazz: What the hell-?

[The Big Show arrives]

Michael: Oh, my God! The Big Show??

Tazz: Say it ain't so!

Michael: He wasn't scheduled to be here for two weeks!

Tazz [as Big Show starts mowing down the lumberjacks outside of the ring]: Oh my God! Oh!

Michael: Big Show is on the scene! The 500-pounder is cleaning house!

Tazz: What is Big Show - oh! - what's he doin' here?! [as Big Show lays out Scotty 2 Hotty with a punch to the head] Oh!

Michael: What a right hand!

Tazz: Bodies are just flyin' everywhere!

Michael [as Big Show enters the ring]: Can you believe it?

Tazz: I can see him, larger than life itself!

Michael: [as Big Show grabs Hardcore Holly]: Look out, Hardcore!

Tazz: Uh-oh! What goes up, Cole...

Michael: Chokeslam!

Tazz: ...must come down!

Michael: D-Von Dudley!

[Big Show throws D-Von out of the ring, then does the same to Bubba Ray Dudley]

Tazz: SmackDown! superstars are falling hard!

Michael: With one arm, Bubba tossed over the top rope!

[Spike Dudley then confronts Big Show]

Tazz: The boss!

Michael: Okay, that's right, Spike!

Tazz [as Big Show grabs Spike and lifts him over his head]: Uh-oh! The boss met his match, I think!

Michael: Uh, Spike!

Tazz: Oh my God! Watch out!

[Big Show throws Spike right onto the other Dudleys outside the ring]

Michael: Thanks for coming!

Tazz: Oh, my God!

Michael: The Big Show-

[Big Show then chokeslams John Cena]

Tazz: Cena!

Michael: John Cena must've been 10 feet in the air!

Tazz [as Big Show punches Rey Mysterio]: Rey Myst - oh! - Rey Mysterio got smashed there!

Michael: Can you believe Big Show is a one-man wrecking machine?

Tazz [as Big Show grabs Charlie Haas and gives him a chokeslam]: Now, Haas! Oh, man!

Michael: A chokeslam by the Big Show to Haas!

[Big Show then grabs Rob Van Dam]

Tazz: Lookin' at Van Dam now!

Michael [as Big Show knocks Van Dam down with another punch]: What a right hand!

Tazz: The Big Show...

Michael: Big Show has cleared out, all 20...

Tazz [as Big Show chokeslams Rene Dupree]: Oh man!

Michael: ...lumberjacks!

Tazz: I-I never saw nothin' like this - never seen anything like this before! This man is on a, a rage; he's in a rage. [Big Show grabs Nunzio and slaps him hard on the chest] My God!

Michael: There's carnage everywhere!

Tazz [as Big Show punches Booker T]: Look at this, look at this! I - [Nunzio leaps off the turnbuckle to Big Show, only for Big Show to catch him by the throat] - oh!

Michael: Watch out, Nunzio!

Tazz: Nunzio's done!

Michael [as Nunzio gets chokeslammed]: Oh, my...the ring shaking!

Tazz: Look at the Big Show!

Michael: Oh, my - Eddie, Eddie...

[Big Show then grabs Eddie Guerrero by the throat]

Tazz: Watch out!

Michael: Eddie!...

Tazz: Oh, no! Latino Heat! Oh, man!

[Big Show chokeslams Guerrero]

Michael: Oh! Wreckage strewn throughout this arena!

[Big Show then turns his attention to Kurt Angle, who is still down from Guerrero putting him in the ankle lock earlier; Angle pleads as Big Show beckons him over]

Tazz: God! Oh, my God!

Michael [as Angle slowly gets up]: I have never seen one individual dominate like this!

Tazz: I agree. And now...

Michael: Everyone in the path of the Big Show has been destroyed! And now Kurt Angle trying to beg his way out of this.

Tazz: Kurt Angle's begging off and...what's gonna happen?

[Big Show finally grabs Kurt Angle]

Michael: He's not cuttin' him any slack!

Tazz: Oh, I guess not! Oh, no, he's not!...

[Angle gets chokeslammed]

Michael: A major chokeslam! An Olympic-sized chokeslam!

Tazz: I am telling you the Big - [suddenly Luther Reigns strikes the Big Show from behind] - oh, what the hell was that?

Michael: Look at Luther Reigns...

Tazz: Oh, uh-oh...

Michael: Luther Reigns from behind!

Tazz: Oh man, Luther! [as Reigns starts landing more blows on Big Show] Look at Luther!

Michael: Luther Reigns, trying to take it to the Big Show!

Tazz: He's trying to knock him down!

Michael: Luther Reigns with a, with another left hand!

[After a few more blows by Reigns, Big Show finally grabs him by the throat]

Tazz: Ah, man! Oh, Luther Reigns!

[Big Show chokeslams Reigns]

Michael: An accent from the Big Show! [Big Show yells at everyone in the ring as his music plays again, then raises his right hand in the air and screams] Big Show was scheduled to show up in two weeks' time! Obviously, he was in no mood for that! The largest athlete in the world is back, and more dominant than ever!

Tazz: Cole, nobody is safe! Nobody is safe!

Michael: Look at the wreckage! Look at the carnage! We didn't expect the Big Show for two weeks, but he's back! The Big Show is back!

[Big Show raises his right hand in the air and yells out again]

Tazz: Nobody is safe. Oh, my God...

September 30

Kurt Angle: In 1996, I promised to win an Olympic gold medal despite a broken neck. In 2000, I promised to win the WWE Championship in my first year of pro wrestling. And last week, I promised a SmackDown! moment, the likes of which has never been seen before. And just like every promise I've ever made in my life, I delivered. [clips from September 23 shown] You brought this on yourself, Show. At 7' tall, 500 pounds, you can throw most anyone off a balcony and get away with it, but I'm not just anybody. I'm Kurt Angle and you don't do what you did to Kurt Angle without there being some serious consequences. The second you threw me down to the ground, the second you threw me to the ground, and my legs snapped in two, I swore retribution. And last week, I got it. I humiliated you, Show. I knocked you out, I shaved your head, and as a bonus, I got a great photo to put on all my Christmas cards this year. Take a look. [picture showing Kurt Angle humiliating Big Show] I did what everyone here has dreamed about doing, I took the big bad bully who took out an entire roster and I humiliated him like he's never been humiliated before. And I look at this crowd, I see a lot of people here that seem like they were picked on in life. And to all of you that would like to take this time to express your admiration, please feel free to do so now. [audience boos] America's heartland, pure class. I don't expect you people to recognize greatness, but there are two people who do. Two men that I have personally selected to mold and groom into my image that will be standing in my corner at No Mercy when I end the Big Show once and for all, Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak.

November 18

John Cena: The champ is back! [crowd cheers] And we right here in Dayton, Ohio! And tonight, your boy's gonna win back the United States title. Carlito, Carlito, Carlito, Carlito. He thinks he's the man, he got a little swagger, he got the walk, the talk, he's very cool. Thinks he's man enough to steal my chain. Sneak away with the title that y'all know means everything to me. Oh and check this one out! This dude's man enough to see that I'm taken care of at a nightclub. Taking this away from me. So tonight, Carlito, we gonna see if you man enough to go face to face with the franchise and still handle your business. [crowd chants "Cena"] You see, Carlito's been ducking me. But not as nowhere else to go boy. I'm about to put a whippin' on the Pillsbury fro boy. Walking out here talking like he's cool, but y'all people don't believe it yet. How is Carlito cool? He looks like a freakin' Chia pet. Hey you know what? I'm not cool. Because John Cena's on fire! A word of advice tonight before we fight, you should retire. The way he walks, the way he talks, [spits] spitting out his fruit and vegetables, I kick you so hard, you'll be chokin' on your testicles! And bring Jesus out with you! He's no bodyguard, he's fillin' space! He's so soft, he lost a fist fight to the dude from Will & Grace! You embarrass me once, now it's time for the tides to switch. 'Cause everybody here knows payback is a bitch.

December 9

[The Cabinet has found JBL's limo with no wheels and on blocks. JBL fumes at the sight and they are all stunned to see Eddie Guerrero on the ring with one wheel]

Eddie Guerrero: JBL! JBL! Olare Holmes! I saw what just happened to your ride! That sucks man! Now I know you're probably back there thinking this is not my lucky day, but I got news for you Holmes,

JBL: [overlap] That tire's mine, give it back!!!

Guerrero: ...your luck has changed for the better. I just happened to know someone here in Greenville, South Carolina, that could get you a great deal on a set of wheels, olare!

JBL: You have stolen my property [to Orlando Jordan] and that is thievery. That's a felony!

Orlando Jordan: It's right! It's right!

Amy Weber: Who takes wheels?!?

Guerrero: It's such a great deal, Holmes. Well, let me put it to you this way. You could even say, it's a real... steal.

Jordan: I cannot believe this, I cannot believe this.

JBL: It's a felony!

Guerrero: Now don't get upset Holmes, I know you're back there, I see you, you're back there crying, throwing a fit, really upset... But I got a little bit of advice: save those tears for Armageddon, the end of YOU, JBL!! 'Coz remember something, Holmes, you have something that belongs to me, Latino Heat and that's the WWE Championship. O Viva mi raza!

JBL: [during Guerrero's last few words] This is mine, you will not get it from me!!!

2005

January 13

Michael Cole: The Bashams stole the damn titles!

Tony Chimel: Here are your winners and the new WWE Tag Team Champions, the Basham Brothers.

Tazz: JBL's co-secretaries of defense are now the new WWE Tag Team Champions.

Michael Cole: You gotta be kidding me!

Tazz: Oh, it's a reality, Cole.

Michael Cole: The guts that Rey Mysterio showed in this matchup, and he was a split-second away from winning the thing and the Bashams pulled a damn switcheroo.

Tazz: Well, shades of last week, they pulled that switcharoonie last week on Van Dam, Doug and Danny, they just did it tonight, and tonight they capitalized big time by getting the tag team titles.

[replay shows]

Michael Cole: And look at Rey Mysterio, a moment away in my mind from perhaps keeping the tag team titles.

Tazz: There's the switch. That was the switch right there.

Michael Cole: But the Bashams with the switch and then the sit-out powerbomb. New tag team champions but you gotta give it up for Rey Mysterio. His partner injured and dragged out of the arena. Mysterio still tried to hang on.

Tazz: Rey did. I mean, hats off to Rey Mysterio. Hope Van Dam's physical condition of his knee is OK. Rey was caught between a rock and a hard place, but at the end of the day...

[JBL and the Cabinet come to celebrate the Basham Brothers tag team championship win]

Michael Cole: Oh, please. I'm gonna be sick.

Tazz: Chief of Staff, look at this. Big party down, new tag team champs in the Cabinet. Wow.

Michael Cole: So, JBL has the WWE gold. The Bashams, the tag team gold. Just what the Cabinet needs: more gold around their waist. Now we're gonna have to live with this.

January 27

[John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Kurt Angle have battled to a draw in a Last Man Standing match as Theodore Long watches backstage]

Theodore Long: Thanks dog, for giving me the idea of this match. [Big Show is standing behind Long]

Big Show: Kurt. JBL. Come on, wake up! Get up! Over here! Look over here! Kurt Angle, down and out. JBL, down and out. What was it you guys said a couple weeks ago? What was it? I love it when a plan comes together? Boys, I will be at the Royal Rumble. And believe me, I will be the next WWE Champion.

February 10

Kurt Angle: Listen up, guys. This is a very big night for all three of us. My road to main event in my third straight WrestleMania begins right here tonight. When I make Rey Mysterio tap in this tournament match, and I will, I just wish someone here would've soften them up last week when I asked them to.

Mark Jindrak: Look...

Angle: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no excuses. Nonetheless, when I beat Rey Mysterio tonight, I'm going straight to the finals at No Way Out, baby, and thanks to my boys, you guys made sure there wasn't a winner in the Undertaker match, which means I don't have a semi-final match. I'm going straight to the finals. You guys make me proud, I love you guys.

Luther Reigns: Look, Angle, what we did last week, that was nothing. I'm sick every time Undertaker's name being mentioned around here, all these punks bowing down. Well, Luther Reigns, he don't bow down to nobody.

Angle: You damn right.

Reigns: Hell, even that looney tune Heidenreich, he got a whacked out when he seen them caskets. I mean, he's already whacked out, what am I saying?

Angle: Wacko.

Reigns: Look, Angle, I've had my throat cut ear to ear. I've been shot. I've been stabbed in a prison riot. I was locked down 23 hours a day, 7 days a week for 5 calendars. 5 calendars, Angle. I've had so much blood on me, you couldn't even tell what color my skin was. I've stared death in the eyes more times than I can remember. So when it comes to the Undertaker, I ain't scared of no caskets, and I damn sure ain't scared of no deadman.

Angle: Now, that's the intensity I want. That's the intensity that's gonna bring home the gold tonight. You guys are gonna go out there and you're gonna win the WWE Tag Team Championships from the Bashams. You got it? Now let's go do it!

Reigns: Damn right.

Angle: That's right, you're damn right.

Reigns: Let's roll, Jindrak.

March 3

Michael Cole: And look at this! [JBL whacks John Cena with the WWE Championship belt] JBL with the championship off the skull of John Cena! The referee never saw it! The damn champion with the title off the skull of Cena! [Orlando Jordan crawling to Cena to cover him] Orlando Jordan crawling toward the cover! Not this way! [the referee makes the count] Not this way! Dammit!

[bell rings]

Tony Chimel: Here is your winner and the new United States Champion, Orlando Jordan!

Michael Cole: You gotta be kidding me! This whole "Cabinet leaving" garbage was a damn joke!

Tazz: Hooked us! Hook, line, and sinker! Hooked everyone, you, me, everybody here! JBL, like it or not, the man's a damn genius! We thought he split the arena! We thought he left!

Michael Cole: Uh-uh.

Tazz: A new United States champ? Wow!

Michael Cole: A masterful plan, hatched by the champion, JBL, to take the United States Championship from John Cena. JBL and his Cabinet, with a diabolical scheme tonight, to take the title from Cena. Orlando Jordan is the new United States Champion.

March 10

JBL: Every single week! Every single week, we have done something so freakin' awesome that we have to come out here and let you relish in our greatness! And this week is certainly no different. I never get tired of this. This week, we're gonna celebrate a man who exemplifies what the Cabinet stands for: greatness, dignity, courage, respect. A man who, last week, single handedly, by himself, one-on-one, mano y mano destroyed John Cena! That man is your United States Champion, the greatest athlete in SmackDown! history, Mr. Orlando Jordan!

Crowd: [chanting] CENA!

Michael Cole: The "Cena" chants begin.

JBL: I understand Virginia is a little backward, but you're chanting for the loser. Chant the winner's name, OJ. You see, because there's a lot about OJ you don't know. OJ grew up with many brothers and many sisters. OJ grew up in the inner city. OJ realized at a young age that he could be like you people out here and that he could be paying to see me. OJ didn't want that, so he did the right thing. He turned his back on his family. He turned his back on his inner city. He wanted greatness in his life, and here he stands right now, your United States Champion, with you people out there, him in here! And tonight, you will see that greatness has no bounds. Tonight, you will see all the gold come to the Cabinet. You see, I'm a wrestling god, and gods must be adorned with gold. So tonight, Rey Mysterio, you and Eddie Guerrero... tonight, you will face the Cabinet. And tonight, you will see why we are successful and you are not, because we hold ourselves to a standard that you cannot possibly fathom! We hold ourselves to a standard that is so high, most of you never see it. Tonight, you will realize what is class and what is not, and why common people never stand here with championships.[Turns to Orlando Jordan] What is that thing you're carrying?

Orlando Jordan: Why, JBL, I believe this is what John Cena used to call [spins the plate on the belt] his United States Championship title.

JBL: Looks to me like some little bling-bling sideshow, like a hubcap that these kids, instead of putting money in their education, put on their cars. That, I find disgusting. That, for the time-honored tradition of sports entertainment, must be destroyed. The Bashams, the Secretaries of Defense, would you please do me a favor and get the trash can and the stairs, please?

[The Bashams bring the top half of the ringside steps into the ring and place a trash can in front of it]

Michael: "Trash can and stairs"? What's going on?

JBL: You people are about to understand why it is sometimes good for America that the rich keep the common down.

Michael: Bashams brought stairs in the... now there's a trash can.

JBL: That belt right there is everything I find reprehensible, everything I hate about John Cena! He has taken a time-honored tradition like the United States Championship and he has made it into a sideshow freak ride! For that, that must be destroyed, just like at WrestleMania, John Cena will not only be destroyed but he will bow at the feet of greatness! John Cena talks about street cred? I own the damn street! [Orlando hands the belt to JBL, who lays it into the trash can and takes a remote from Danny Basham] Just like your career, Cena...[JBL turns one switch on the remote] up...in...smoke.

[He turns the second switch, which triggers an explosion inside the trash can]

Tazz: WHOA!

Michael: You've gotta be kidding me. Cena's championship was in there.

JBL: Orlando, that piece of trash was destroyed. I had something flown in from WWE Headquarters, the WWE Vault, worthy of you. [Doug Basham holds out a briefcase, which JBL opens and takes out the traditional United States Championship] Ladies and gentlemen, to a great American. To a man with class, something with class. The greatest athlete in SmackDown! history. [He hands the title over to Orlando] Give it up for Orlando Jordan, your United States Champion! [Orlando and JBL stand on the steps hoisting their respective titles high] Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your United States Champion, Orlando Jordan, your future Tag Team Champions, and the WWE Heavyweight Champion, John "Bradshaw" Layfield!

March 24

[John "Bradshaw" Layfield and John Cena are having a debate with Theodore Long moderating]

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Now Teddy Long, I want you to explain to him the rules you made last week are still in effect. If you touch me, you lowlife SOB, you lose your chance to face me at WrestleMania! Tell him Teddy! Tell him!

Theodore Long: That's right, JBL. Now Cena, if you lay a hand on JBL, you will lose your opportunity to face JBL for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania.

Tazz: That's not fair.

Long: But however, JBL, if you physically provoke John Cena, then he has the right to retaliate.

Michael Cole: Now that is fair.

Long: Now, now what that means if you strike John Cena, then John Cena can strike back. Ya feel me? So it is time for the debate. Now there are three questions, and the first question is for you, JBL. Now, what makes you believe you're more qualified to be the WWE Champion?

JBL: First of all, Theodore, I would like to thank you, and I would like to thank all of SmackDown!, and I would like to thank all of the great fans right here in Memphis, Tennessee, for holding this debate. Go Grizzlies! And I would like to answer the question. What makes me deserve to be a champion more than my opponent, John Cena. You see, America needs heroes, and I have filled that role. I have vanquished all my opponents, and I have become stronger by doing it. I am the ideal American success story from a great family, independently wealthy from a great school. I have a reason for all you people to look up to SmackDown! because of me. And I understand there's a champion on the other show that says that he is a ten-time world champion. What that means to me is, he lost nine times. I am the only champion in the history of professional wrestling that has never lost this championship! I have held this championship longer than anybody in over ten years! Including that same guy on the other show. That, Teddy Long, is why I deserve, and why I am what I say I am, a wrestling God.

Long: John Cena, same question.

John Cena: Before I can even answer that question, what makes me more qualified to be champ, I gotta turn that back around you, because you're, you're some sort of "wrestling God", I mean, you've been, you're the champ, nah, you've been champ for quite a long time. You're independently wealthy, a huge success story. Why would someone as successful as you drive to the ring in a broke-down [beep] limosuine?

Tazz: What?

Cena: Why? Why?

JBL: There's nothing wrong with that limosuine!

Cena: Hey man, hey don't sugarcoat it. Let's go take a look. [Cena gets out of the ring and approaches JBL's limosuine] I mean, uh, first things first homey. [Cena punches a spike into one of the limo's tires, flattening it]

Tazz: Oh whoa whoa!

JBL: TEDDY LOOK WHAT HE DID TO MY CAR!

Cena: You got a flat tire. Huh? Huh, you the champ! How you gonna ride in a limo with a flat tire man?

JBL: THAT IS VANDALISM! YOU SHOULD BE THROWN IN JAIL! TEDDY LONG, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, YOU'RE THE GENERAL MANAGER!

Long: Hey! Hey, he's not touching you. He hasn't laid a hand on you.

Cena: I'm just -- I'm, I'm just statin' the facts, playa! And, and the, the paint job, man. What's up with the paint job? Come out in this bust-[beep] limo with a flat tire and the scuffed up paint. I can't even believe you didn't catch that!

JBL: There's nothing wrong with that paint job, Cena.

Cena: Nah man, you ain't looking at it right. [pulls out a can of spray paint]

Cole: Oh no.

Cena: You see, when I look at it, [spray paints "JBL SUCKS" on the side of the limo]

Tazz: Oh God, oh!

JBL: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You're a, you're a punk criminal!

Cena: I see a limo that says JBL sucks! JBL sucks! Dude, JBL is you! You drove out here in a limo that says JBL sucks!

JBL: THAT'S A $200,000 CAR!

Cena: You know, [crowd chants "JBL sucks"] you know, between that limo fiasco and this hostile crowd here in Memphis, [crowd cheers] if I was you I'd, well I'd just do somethin' about that.

JBL: You better show me some respect you...

Cena: You gonna hit me?

Long: Hey, JBL.

Cena: You gonna hit me, you gonna do somethin'? Go on. Go on, throw a punch.

Long: Hey.

Cena: Go on, throw a punch here, big daddy! Come on!

Long: You can do something if you want to.

JBL: I'm ready for the next question.

Long: Well, then let's move on.

Tazz: JBL's holding his cool.

Long: JBL, how important is one's social and economic upbringing in being a champion?

JBL: Apparently it's real damn important! Look at what that criminal just did to my car! You see, there's a reason that punk criminals like him, the only way he makes it to my car, is if you drive me! There's a reason that people like you are kept down by the rich, 'cause that's what's better for America! You mock what you don't understand, and quite honestly, you're jealous, because the only way you know you'll have money like me is if you win the lottery, or you turn to crime! So I'll tell you what, at WrestleMania, I'm gonna turn to crime too. I'm gonna rob you of your dreams. I'm gonna rob you of your hopes, and I'm gonna rob you of your dignity when I make you, you Cena, BOW DOWN and worship at the feet of a wrestling God!

Long: John Cena, you're up playa.

Cena: Sounds like somebody crapped in your Cheerios this morning, homey. But, but you got a point. I mean, uh, this whole economic thing, maybe I, maybe I just lost my head. I guess what you're trying to say is I got, I got no respect, you know, for the championship.

JBL: You got no class!

Cena: I got no class, I mean, look at how I'm dressed, I guess. I mean, I mean I think I'm doing all right, are we good or what? [crowd cheers] But whoa wait wait wait, don't put your panties in a bunch. There're some people that think we should act a certain way, that we should dress a certain way, so, I'm a man of peace. I mean, we can probably solve all this if we just wore a suit and tie, right? [crowd boos]

JBL: You would look a lot better in a tie. Right now you look like a piece of crap!

Cena: Well, let me see, I'd look better in a tie. [takes out a pair of scissors] Let's just see if that works.

JBL: Hey hey hey, Teddy! You can't touch me! You, you, WrestleMania. You lo-- [Cena touches JBL's tie with the scissors, then cuts the tie off his shirt]

Cena: So a tie would look better huh? [puts the tie on] Oh no, I feel like a manger in this, this feel sucks! [throws the tie] Oh, but oh dog, that was, that was yours, and after the, after the car thing, oof! And the tie, you're probably pretty mad right now, huh? You probably wanna do somethin' don't ya? Maybe throw a punch? Maybe hit me? If I hit you, I can't go to WrestleMania, but uh, then again, I'm not the one looking like a total jerk so maybe, [JBL removes his jacket] you know maybe you wanna do something about it.

Cole: Uh-oh.

Cena: Maybe, maybe you wanna throw a punch. [closes his eyes and tries to get JBL to attack him, but JBL refuses]

JBL: No. No, I'm not playing your games. You do not outthink the master. At WrestleMania, you will have all you want. But till then, son, play your stupid games.

Long: John Cena, the next question is for you. Now, I wanna ask you this playa. What do you need --

Cena: What do I need to do to get this punk [beep] over here to swing at me? Well now, that's an important question. And one I think we need to address. What if right here right now, I prove the wrestling God, the champion of champions, a man of class, JBL to be nothing but a liar?

JBL: I don't lie!

Cena: Oh hey hey hey, have faith in your boy, I can pull it off. Now, mon senior Theodore Long, watch closely. 'Cause I'm not gonna touch you, y'all.

JBL: You better not touch -- [Cena removes JBL's hat]

Cena: But I am gonna touch your ten-gallon hat. Oh yo, this is nice dude. This is-- [puts the hat on his head] No, this ain't exactly my style or nothing but I mean, you can tell the craftsmanship, everything is there is it? Is this Gucci?

JBL: It's a thousand-dollar Stetson.

Cena: Okay then we know that this is probably a ten-gallon hat right?

JBL: I hate you.

Cena: Uh uh.

JBL: I hate you, you --

Cena: I'll take that as a yes, ten-gallon hat. Well let's do something. Let's see how many gallons this hat's gonna hold. [grabs a pitcher of water]

Tazz: That's a thousand-dollar hat! [Cena pours water into the hat]

Cole: Oh my!

Long: He's not touching you. [Cena grabs another pitcher of water and pours the water into the hat]

Cena: Dude that ain't even close to one gallon. That means your [beep] ass is a liar. Oh by the way, I'm done with your hat, you can have it back. [puts the water filled hat on JBL's head, drenching him] Oh! Oh! OH NO! Look at you man, you look like you done had an accident all over yourself. They, they make diapers for that sort of stuff, I mean, you got problems with how they, oh look at you!

JBL: I'm gonna kick your [beep] at WrestleMania.

Cena: You gonna show me what you're gonna do at WrestleMania?

JBL: At WrestleMania, I'm gonna --

Cena: Then show me what you gonna do at WrestleMania! Come on! Right here, you throw a punch and I swear I will knock the hell out of you! [crowd chants "Cena" but JBL doesn't attack Cena] You ain't gonna do nothing are ya? [laughs] Just like I thought. But I bet you stand there thinking that you're uh, clever for not playing my games. You look ridiculous. And as clever as you think you are, [pulls out a can of yellow spray paint] well I think you're something else.

Cole: Now what? [Cena goes behind JBL]

Cena: [shakes the spray paint can] I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. [spray paints a yellow line on the back of JBL's shirt]

Cole: Oh my God!

Tazz: This is ridiculous! [JBL angrily turns around]

Cena: You know what? You know what? Seeing the world that I come from, and the world that we come from, there's people who talk about it, and then there's people who be about it. WrestleMania 21, [pulls out a can of red spray paint] let me give you a little preview of what's gonna happen to you. [spray paints "F-U" on the front of JBL's shirt] A-ha!

April 7

John Cena: The champ...is here. JBL, Wrestling God, longest running WWE Champion in the last decade, has survived the Triple Threat match, the Fatal Four-Way match, has beat The Undertaker, beat Eddie Guerrero in a steel cage, and then again in a Texas Bullrope match, survived The Big Show in a Barbed Wire Steel Cage match. But the champ is here. [crowd chants "Cena!"] I'm supposed to be a thug. I don't talk like a champion. They say I don't, I don't fit the dress code, but I think I'm doing alright. It's been said that I'm not a superstar because I'm putting myself on the same level as the people I fight for. This one's good. I have no respect for this business and I have no respect for its championships. You see, when I uh, modified the United States Championship, apparently, wrestling traditionalists and JBL got a little offended. Well I got news for you. Take a look. Take a last look at your [holds WWE Championship] coveted prize, because if you think what we did to the U.S. title was disrespectful, hell you better lock the dog at the country club! Because the champ is here! [crowd chants "Cena" as Cena approaches the crowd] Listen. You hear that? I said, do you hear that? [crowd cheers as Cena walks into the audience] Look around! This is what we do! [crowd cheers] So it don't matter if you're Booker T, Kurt Angle, Big Show, JBL, hell it don't matter if you're the Brooklyn Brawler, Iron Mike Sharp, SD Jones or Steve Gatorwolf, our time is now! This is the Chain Gang! And we ain't hard to find. You want some, come get some, because the champ is here!

May 12

[Eddie Guerrero arrives and sits on a chair in the middle of the ring, one week after turning on Rey Mysterio]

Eddie: You know...all over the country, people have been asking me, "Why, Eddie, why? Why did you do to Rey Mysterio, what you did to him, last week?" Plain and simple, I gave him what he wanted. He wanted a fight, I gave him a fight! I gave him the fight of his life! And do you think that makes me happy?? [looking at Rey's bloody mask which he kept from the previous week] DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME...HAPPY?! I didn't want to do it, Rey, WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO IT?! Por qué? It's your fault!! Es tu culpa, Rey! [the crowd starts an "Eddie sucks" chant] I never wanted to lay a hand on you! And look what you made me do! But you know what, Rey? Blessings come in disguises, ese. You see, I realized something last week, homes. My eyes were open. And I realized what you were doing. And not only you... [standing up and addressing the audience] ...ALL of these people. [the crowd boos] I realized, that each and every one of you, were living vicariously through me! You were stealing my passion, my love, my energy! You were stealing my Latino Heat! But as of last week...not anymore, 'cause I got it back! I got it ALL back! And I like it! I like what I'm feeling, Rey. [sitting back down in the chair] So I got a little piece of advice for you, homes. See, nothing and no one is going to ever, ever, take away my Latino Heat again! So I want you to listen, real close. [camera zooms in closer on Eddie] Come in, a little closer. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!! Quiero que piensas, I want you to think, think of your family. Aalyah and Dominik, your son and your daughter. Don't make me...hurt them, Rey. Don't make me...hurt their daddy again, ese! Don't make me...take...away...their papá! 'Cause I promise you this, ese: you promised to make your return at Judgment Day...I advise against it. You return at Judgment Day, remember...right now, I have your blood on my hands. At Judgment Day, if you come back, I'll have your life!

---

[later on that night, after getting disqualified for hitting a brain buster on Jimmy Jacobs, whom Eddie made wear Rey's mask, on a steel chair]

Eddie [ripping Rey's mask off Jimmy and addressing it again]: Judgment Day, it's mine, baby! You better not show up on Judgment Day, or your kids aren't gonna have a daddy! Órale!!

June 16

[Randy Orton has helped JBL defeat The Undertaker in a No Disqualification match]

Randy Orton: Undertaker! Undertaker! Undertaker, you've just been RKO'd. You better get used to it, because the legend killer is officially on SmackDown!.

June 30

Theodore Long: Last week, I made this SmackDown! championship match a six-man elimination match! Well, with The Big Show being drafted to Raw, you lose one and you gain one, playa. So the sixth man for this match will be the latest draft lottery pick. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you, Christian! [Christian's music hits]

Michael Cole: Christian?!

Tazz: Christian? No!

Cole: Captain Charisma?

Tazz: [Christian comes out] Yeah there he is! Oh wait a minute! Christian!

Cole: Got a shot at the SmackDown! championship here tonight on his first night on SmackDown!.

---

[JBL has defeated Booker T, Chris Benoit, Christian, Muhammad Hassan, and The Undertaker in a six-man elimination match, seemingly winning the SmackDown! Championship]

Theodore Long: JBL, I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news for you, playa.

Michael Cole: What?

Long: Now, the bad news is, even though you won the match, you are not the SmackDown! champion.

Cole: What?!

Tazz: What the hell?

Long: You know something playa? Recently, I found out that there's no need for a SmackDown! championship. Now the good news is, that you have earned the right to be the new number one contender to this man. Now ladies and gentlemen, everybody get ready to show your love for the final draft lottery pick and World Champion, Batista! [Batista's music hits]

Tazz: What the hell?!!

Cole: Oh, my!

Tazz: Is this a joke? What the hell's going on here?

Cole: No, it's not a joke! He's the, the, the latest draft lottery pick!

Tazz: Where is he? I'll believe it when I see it [Batista comes out] and oh my God, I believe it! Holy...I don't, this is great!

Cole: SmackDown! has hit the jackpot!

Tazz: Holy cow!

Cole: The World Heavyweight Champion has come to SmackDown!. Oh my God!

Tazz: Pinch me! I can't believe it! Batista, the World Heavyweight Champion, on SmackDown!.

Cole: This is the man who, who four nights ago, beat Triple H in Hell in a Cell! This is the man, who three times, beat Triple H! This is the man who won the title at WrestleMania, and Batista is on SmackDown!.

Tazz: Shocking! Shocking! Amazing historic moment for SmackDown!.

Cole: And I don't believe anybody is as shocked as JBL, who moments ago, was elated at winning the SmackDown! title, only to find out that he's the number one contender for that championship, the World Heavyweight title. Oh my! Batista has come to SmackDown!. Good night everybody, from a historic night in Anaheim!

July 14

Thomas Whitney (Muhammad Hassan's attorney): My name is Thomas Whitney, Esq., and I am the legal counsel for Mr. Muhammad Hassan. Mr. Hassan has authorized me to read this statement on his behalf. Mr. Hassan has endured so much emotional distress as a result of the vitriolic hatred he has encountered over the last week. As a result, he has chosen to take a leave of absence from SmackDown!. I'd like to remind you that Mr. Hassan is as American as each and every one of you. He has the same rights and privileges under the First Amendment, including freedom of expression. And it is a sad day in America, in which someone like my client has found me to retain an attorney to protect his fundamental rights to freedom of speech, and freedom from discrimination. Like all other Americans, you should not be prejudiced against Mr. Hassan or his manager, Khosrow Daivari. Therefore, my client will never again appear here on SmackDown!, until such time as he defeats The Undertaker at a pay-per-view, ironically enough, called The Great American Bash. And furthermore, my client will no longer be appearing on -- [The Undertaker's music hits and The Undertaker makes his entrance]

Michael Cole: It appears as though Thomas Whitney, esquire, Muhammad Hassan's attorney is about to personally meet The Undertaker.

Tazz: This could be an interesting rebuttal, Cole. Well, law school ain't prepared for this.

Cole: I, I don't think Hassan's attorney has, has any idea what to think about all this. [Undertaker enters the ring] In ten days at The Great American Bash, that man, The Undertaker will meet Muhammad Hassan for the opportunity to meet the World Heavyweight Champion. A number one contender's match at the Bash.

Tazz: Think that attorney's got cottonmouth? [Undertaker approaches and corners Whitney]

Whitney: Sir. Sir, I do not know your intentions. But sir, need I remind you, that I am not a wrestler, sir. I am an attorney. [Undertaker grabs Whitney by the throat]

Tazz: Come on, Taker wait. No don't do this!

Cole: He's an attorney! [Undertaker chokeslams Whitney] Oh man! Undertaker just chokeslammed Muhammad Hassan's attorney.

Tazz: I, this guy's not a wrestler. I don't, [Undertaker signals for the Tombstone] Someone's gotta stop this man.

Cole: Who's gonna stop him, Tazz? This is ridiculous. Undertaker may very well -- [Undertaker prepares to deliver a Tombstone Piledriver to Whitney]

Tazz: Oh god, oh no no!

Cole: Not the Tombstone Piledriver!

Tazz: No Taker no! No no! [Undertaker tombstones Whitney]

Cole: Oh my! I dare say Tazz, that the, The Undertaker's crossed the line here.

Tazz: I don't think he gives a rat's you-know-what about crossing the line. I'll tell you Cole, I don't know how much money Muhammad Hassan pays his attorney, but it's definitely not enough.

November 18

Big Show: Eddie was very, very spiritual. Um, a great, great dad. Um, every time I saw him around his kids, he was just...so full of life and so...just full of joy 'cause he was so proud of his family. Eddie was so thankful to God for all of it. Um, my only comfort in losing a friend...is knowing that he's with God now. And all the pain, and all the things that he endured, he's with God now, he's safe. He's loved. I know this is not right, but I can't believe Eddie's gone. I love you bro. And there'll be another one like you. You were awesome.

December 2

Randy Orton: I didn't come out here to brag about what I did to The Undertaker. I don't need to. I'm, I'm not an arrogant man. What I did to Undertaker speaks for itself. [points to the SmackDown! titantron that was destroyed and is covered with tape] Any of you here coming to this arena thinking that there's just a small chance you might see Undertaker rise from the ashes, WELL GUESS WHAT, AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! It's over, he's done! His legacy is dead. I killed him. I KILLED THE UNDERTAKER! [crowd boos] The only true phenom now in the WWE...is me. And I deserve something for what I've accomplished. I deserve the World Heavyweight Championship. You think I don't? Do you disagree with me?! [crowd cheers] You disagree with me?! Well guess what, the one man that three years in a row was the sole survivor at the Survivor Series match, you're looking at him! The youngest World Heavyweight Champion in history! You're looking at him! A third-generation superstar! Guess what, you're looking at him! [crowd boos] The man that killed the phenom, The Undertaker. You're looking at him. You people disagree? Well your opinions mean nothing to me, whatsoever. [crowd chants "asshole"] Batista! [crowd cheers] I'm calling you out. I want a World Heavyweight Championship match. And I don't want one at Armageddon. I demand one at Armageddon!

Tazz: Wow.

Orton: And I will become the World Heavyweight Champion. It's not arrogance, people. It's destiny.

2006

January 20

Daivari: Well, I told you what was gonna happen out here. We'll be screwed up. But Kurt, I should have said, you were the one that was gonna get screwed. I am now the manager of the World's Strongest Man, and next World Heavyweight Champion, Mark Henry.

Michael Cole: What?

Tazz: What the hell is going on here? Daivari's Henry's manager?

Michael Cole: Oh my God.

Tazz: I never saw this coming. Angle got...I...I...did he get double-crossed here? Is Daivari now manager of Mark Henry?

Michael Cole: I'd love to know what the hell happened, but the bottom line is Daivari is managing Mark Henry.

Tazz: Daivari knows Kurt Angle so well, Cole.

Michael Cole: Well, nine days away from the Rumble, the #1 contender Mark Henry ended up himself as a serious threat but now with Daivari added to the mix, Kurt Angle's reign may be in trouble. As Daivari said, this is screwed up.

February 24

Randy Orton: [clears throat] Please, please. Now, I'm not the kind of guy to come out here and say, "I told you so." But I told you so. I'm gonna compete for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania. Rey Mysterio is not. All of Rey's hopes, dreams, fantasies of having a storybook victory over me were shattered. It didn't matter who was cheering for him and it didn't matter who he dedicated his match to. I had destiny on my side. SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I had destiny on my side, a destiny, my destiny, that will be fulfilled at WrestleMania when I become the World Heavyweight Champion. Now, Kurt Angle, you're lucky, man, because that's what it took, luck, to beat the Undertaker at No Way Out and all the luck in the world couldn't help you at WrestleMania when you step in the ring with me! And when I become world champion, I will take my rightful place at the top of this business. A business that my family built. You see, my grandfather was the greatest wrestler of his generation. My father was the greatest wrestler of his generation. And when I become World Champion, I will prove to everybody that I am the greatest wrestler of my generation. Not Kurt Angle, not the Undertaker, not Rey Mysterio, not the late, great Eddie Guerrero, no, no, no! I am without peers. Nobody is better than Randy Orton. Nobody is better than me. You people can chant what you want. You people can say whatever.. [Chavo Guerrero attacks Randy Orton]

May 19

John "Bradshaw" Layfield [standing on the announcers' desk, waving to Rey Mysterio who is in the ring]: Como está, my amigo? Sunday, Domingo, is Judgment Day, Rey. Your judgment day, when I take that championship off your undeserving body! But I got a question for you, Rey. [to Howard Finkel] Give him your microphone! Give him your microphone! [Finkel obliges and walks out of the ring. JBL addressing Rey again] You look like roadkill, vato! The last two weeks has been rough on you, Rey, ya look terrible! You don't even know which way is up, do ya? Rey! Let me ask you a question: do you even know where we are? [interrupting Rey before he could reply] Son! Son! I'll help ya: we're in Albuquerque, north Mexico. Do you even know, Rey? Look at - you got dain bramage, ese! Do you even know what year it is, Rey? [interrupting Rey before he could speak again] Rey, I'll help ya, I'll help ya...2006. Do you even know what day it is?

Rey Mysterio [walking towards JBL]: May 19th!

JBL [feigning shock, then grinning]: You said it...I didn't!

[JBL laughs hysterically as suddenly a fireball goes off and then Kane arrives. Rey looks shocked]

Michael Cole: Oh...oh, my God!

Tazz: What the hell-?

Michael: You gotta be-

Tazz: What, no!

Michael: It's Kane! It's Kane! It's Kane!

Tazz: No! No!

Michael: JBL, you sick bastard!

Tazz: What are you - what is going on?!

Michael: You gotta be kiddin' me! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Tazz: No!

Michael: Kane! Oh my God, this is gonna be a massacre! [Kane enters the ring and immediately attacks Rey; the bell rings to start the match] Kane, beating the hell out of Mysterio!

Tazz: You gotta be kid - I, I'm...I'm shocked!

Michael: JBL, what the hell is wrong with you?? What the hell is wrong with you?!?

JBL: You shouldn't upset Kane, you know what Kane hates when you say that! He shouldn't upset the Big Red Machine! This is Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger all rolled into one, except for the fact he's a living, breathing human being, and he is a walking, talking stud!

May 26

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: We just witnessed the greatest travesty of all time at Judgment Day! [crowd chants "you suck"] Rey Mysterio is still the World Champion. [crowd cheers] But I challenged him to take on all comers. I appealed to his machismo. Well Rey, oh Rey! If you're still a man of your word, and you'll still take on all comers, then I'm gonna prove it was a fluke on Sunday! Come out here right now with your World Championship and let's do it right here! [Rey Mysterio's theme hits]

Michael Cole: Oh ho ho! The World Champion, as he proved Sunday, is a man of his word! [Rey Mysterio comes out] A standing ovation for the man who's still living his dream, successfully defending the World Championship Sunday at Judgment Day.

Tazz: I don't know how Mysterio did it on Sunday but he did it. He left Phoenix with the World Championship.

Rey Mysterio: JBL, you're right. I did say I would take on all comers. And I took you on at Judgment Day. And I beat you!

JBL: You sarcastic little punk, that was a fluke! Now get out here, let's do it right now!

Mysterio: Hold on. JBL, you are the United States Champion. I don't, I don't see you defending your title. I don't see you taking on all comers.

JBL: You little punk. You have the audacity to question me? THIS IS MY SHOW! I carry this company! And yes, I will take on all comers, because nobody but a true American hero represents this country better. I am proud to be your United States Champion.

Mysterio: Did, did you, did you just say you are willing to take on all, all comers?

JBL: I kicked you too hard in the head Rey. Is your mask covering your ears? Under the blood that you bled at Judgment Day covering up your ears? You want it in English? The answer is yes, I take on anybody!

Mysterio: English, Spanish, I understood you. [speaks Spanish] So, since you are willing, let me introduce to you your opponent. Bobby Lashley!

July 28

[during the World Heavyweight Championship rematch between King Booker and Rey Mysterio]

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: I don't get it, Michael, what keeps Rey in this match? This stupid machismo thing!

Michael Cole [as King Booker grabs Rey from the top turnbuckle]: Uh-oh, King Booker caught Mysterio!

JBL: He may not be in it any longer!

Michael: Rey Mysterio trying to reverse fortune here! Trying to shift balance and he does, kick to the midsection! Mysterio, a suplex!

[Rey gives King Booker a suplex]

JBL: I know what keeps him in this match!

Michael [as Rey holds on to King Booker and sets him up for another suplex]: And look at this!

JBL: No!

Michael: Look at this!

JBL: It's the spirit of Eddie Guerrero!

Michael [as Rey hits the second suplex] Paying homage to Eddie Guerrero! The Three Amigos!

JBL: No, no, no! [as Rey hits the third suplex] I've seen this from Eddie Guerrero, I've seen this from Rey Mysterio; I am sick of it!! [as Rey does Eddie's shimmy] Enough is enough!! No!

Michael [as Rey goes onto the apron and approaches the turnbuckles]: And now Rey...

JBL: No!!

Michael: ...with a little bit of Eddie in him! [as Queen Sharmell climbs the apron on the other side and tries to distract the referee] And look at Queen Sharmell up on the apron! [suddenly, Chavo Guerrero comes out through the crowd and grabs Rey] Hey! Who the hell-? [Chavo throws Rey onto the barricade behind him] Who the he-?

JBL: Oh, my God!

Michael: Is that Ch-? It's Chavo! It's Chavo again! What the hell is Chavo doing?!

JBL [as Chavo puts Rey back into the ring]: Rey's out! Rey's unconscious!

Michael: He bounced his head and his spine off the barricade! What the hell is wrong with Chavo?!

JBL: There's nothing wrong with Chavo; I've known three Gue - generations of Guerreros! You can't trust a Guerrero!

Michael [as Chavo starts to make his way up the ramp]: Chavo said he wasn't even in Detroit when we interviewed him, earlier tonight! Where the hell did he come from?!

JBL: Just like Eddie, he lies! He cheats! He steals! You cannot trust a Guerrero!

Michael [as Rey slowly starts to get up]: And King Booker is measuring Rey; the World Championship is on the line! [King Booker then hits a scissors kick on Rey] There's the scissors kick!

JBL: Cinderella's done! Strike midnight!

Michael: Not again!

JBL [as King Booker covers Rey and the referee counts to 3]: Call her the fat lady! Call her the wicked mama!

Michael: Not again! [the bell rings] Aww, damn it!

JBL: Tell her the saying, the King of the World! [as Chavo leaves and Queen Sharmell embraces King Booker] I told you, he should not - Rey should not have upset the coronation!

Tony Chimel: Here's your winner, and still World Heavyweight Champion, King Booker!

Michael [as the referee hands King Booker back his title]: You gotta believe that Rey Mysterio was moments away from regaining the title, and for some God-unknown reason, he was screwed again by Chavo!!

JBL: What are you, Sigmund Freud?! You don't know what I believe! I don't have to believe that! I believe the greatest word you can hear when you're a champion is, "still World Champion, King Booker"!

Michael: Let's take another look at what happened at the end of this matchup. [replay of Chavo throwing Rey into the barricade] Yet again, for the first - for the second time this week, Chavo has betrayed one of his best friends, Rey Mysterio! [replay of King Booker's scissors kick on Rey on his way to the 3-count] And that betrayal allowing the king to retain the World Heavyweight Championship!

JBL: Allowing King Booker to retain his place with destiny!

[back live, as King Booker and Queen Sharmell look back at the fallen Rey]

Michael: The bottom line is, that man, Chavo Guerrero, has stabbed Rey Mysterio in the back!

JBL: Tigers don't change colors, Michael!

Michael: Chavo Guerrero is cold-blooded, bottom line!

August 4

[Chavo Guerrero's music hits and he appears. The crowd boos]

Michael Cole: I can't wait to hear this. Nothing this man can say will convince me what he did to Rey Mysterio in the past two weeks was right.

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: Where's your objectivity? Let's listen to what he has to say.

Tony Chimel: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Chavo Guerrero.

JBL: And why are you surprised? Why does Kasparov play chess? Why does Clemens pitch? It's in his DNA. It is in Chavo's DNA to be a Guerrero. I've known three generations of Guerreros; you cannot trust a Guerrero. Lie, cheat and steal, remember, Michael?

Michael: Oh yeah, I remember. That's their motto, the Guerrero motto.

JBL: Don't look down on it, Mr. High-and-Mighty.

Michael: Eddie Guerrero made that phrase famous.

JBL: And this is his nephew.

Chavo Guerrero: People want to know why I screwed Rey Mysterio, why I betrayed Rey Mysterio. But first, I want to know: what is betrayal? Is betrayal stealing from another man? Is betrayal stealing his name from him? Stealing his blood? Because that's what Rey Mysterio did to me, did to my whole family, the Guerrero family. What? You don't believe me? You don't believe that Rey Mysterio is a thief? Let me tell you what he stole from me. I grew up with Eddie Guerrero. We were like brothers. We used to lie, cheat, and steal together. When Eddie passed away, we all felt it. We all felt it, we were all devastated. I retired from wrestling, I walked away from wrestling. But did Rey Mysterio? Noooo. He used the Guerrero name, Eddie's name. It seemed like every other match, Rey was dedicating the match to Eddie's memory. The Royal Rumble, No Way Out, even at WrestleMania. Every five minutes, he was mentioning Eddie's name, very, very convenient. And when Rey won the World Heavyweight Championship, it got even worse. Rey, you couldn't stand on your own, Rey, you couldn't keep the title on your own. What did you do? You used another Guerrero — me. Rey, I saved you from losing the title to JBL. I saved you from losing the title to Mark Henry. I saved you over and over and over again. But you decided to stand right here in the middle of this ring and take all the glory, and use Eddie's spotlight and Eddie's name that all of you chanted to him. At The Great American Bash, I couldn't take it anymore. And that's when I realized that Rey Mysterio, you didn't just steal Eddie from me, you didn't just steal Eddie from the Guerrero family, you stole the memory of Eddie from each and every one of these people out here, from you [points to one person in the audience], from you [points to another person in the audience]. People ask me why I did what I did. Because Rey Mysterio, you're nothing but a leech, living off the blood of the Guerrero name.

[Rey Mysterio appears and charges towards the ring]

Michael: Oh my!

JBL: Oh my!

Michael: And look at this!

JBL: No!

Michael [as Rey and Chavo begin fighting]: It's Rey Mysterio! Rey has heard enough! Chavo, Rey unloading on Chavo Guerrero!

JBL: Chavo was right! Chavo was right with everything he said!

Michael: I thought it was a pathetic excuse, as Mysterio and Chavo continue to beat the hell out of each other inside the ring! [Rey and Chavo fall to the outside and keep fighting] And now it spills outside the ring; these two former best friends are beating the living hell out of each other!

JBL: He shouldn't have desecrated Eddie's name; that's what Rey Mysterio-

Michael: Rey never did that!

JBL: You know damn well he did!

September 1

[before a commercial break]

Michael Cole: Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah! It's the Miz's debut, next on SmackDown!. The Miz!

JBL: I'd rather have a root canal than sit here and watch Miz, the wrestling gods must hate me.

[after the break, as The Miz arrives for his WWE in-ring debut]

Michael: We are back on SmackDown!. It's the debut of the Miz!

JBL: Jerry Brisco is rolling over in his grave and Jerry's not even dead!

December 22

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: Five days ago at Armageddon, I was appalled, horrified at what transpired in front of me. Teddy Long, for his own amusement, for his entertainment, brought back a match that had been dormant for seven and a half years. An inferno match. There is a reason we don't have inferno matches for the last seven and a half years. You see, it looks really good on paper. Somebody gets burned. Until you realize somebody gets burned. A human being was set on fire at Armageddon. Where pictures in the Bible describe Hell as human flesh burning and people screaming in pain. That is what happened. Hell was brought to MVP at Armageddon, and every single bit of it was Teddy Long's fault. This is what Teddy Long did to MVP. [clips from the inferno match between Kane and MVP at Armageddon are shown] Look at this. He put him in the ring with a monster, Kane, and Kane set him on fire. That folks, is not entertainment. That is a human being burning! That is flesh rotting and burning off a human corpse! Right next to me, MVP comes. I can smell the flesh of a human being burning. Something I will never forget to the day that I die was that I watched a human being and thankfully, mercifully, they put him out. And Teddy, you call this entertainment? I call it garbage. So I'll tell you what, Theodore Long, you come down here right now. I don't demand your censure, I think you should be fired, but tonight, you come down here and you apologize to me, you apologize to SmackDown!, and you damn sure come down here and apologize to MVP, because MVP can't be here right now because he's lying in a burn unit! Come on out Teddy! [nothing happens] Teddy, I have a list of lawyers in arm law. You will be sued. You come down here right now. Do you hear me?! [nothing happens] Okay. If you won't come down, Teddy, then let's talk about the people that are really responsible. [points to the fans] You. And you. Each and every one of you and you cheer. You don't cheer because a guy gave his life for you in this ring. It's not enough that you pay your money and somebody spend, spends 200 days away from his family each year! It's not enough! Somebody gives his health to this very ring! I'm not in this ring because I broke my back, and that's enough for you sick people! You got to see a head broken open by a chair. You got to see somebody fall off a building. You got to see somebody caught on fire. You people are responsible and it disgusts me! Rome did not fall because of the gladiators in the Colosseum. Rome fell because of the sick people in the stands. Now think about this, you people wish for one instance in your life. You were like MVP and somebody would pay to see you. Well in your miserable life, there's not a soul alive that would pay to see one of you sons of bitches do anything! And if America, this great country goes down, it won't be because of what's good. It won't be because of great warriors. It will be because of people like you! You sick human beings! You have embarrassed yourself, you have embarrassed me. And take a lot at the person next to ya. You have embarrassed this country. You people make me sick.

2007

May 11

[after the Undertaker gets beaten down by Mark Henry following his steel cage match with Batista]

John "Bradshaw" Layfield [as the officials get Mark to leave]: He said he wanted to make an impact, Michael, and he said there wasn't anything anybody could do about it.

[suddenly Edge's music hits]

Michael Cole: Wh-whoa - Edge-

[Edge marches towards the ring, Money in the Bank briefcase in hand]

JBL: You gotta be kidding me. No.

Michael: No! No...

JBL: No, come on, Edge, no, not this way! No, damn it! No!

[Edge hands his briefcase to referee Jimmy Korderas and yells out his intention to cash it in]

Michael: I can't-

[Korderas beckons over ring announcer Tony Chimel and tells him of Edge cashing in his briefcase]

Tony Chimel: Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that Edge is cashing in his Money in the Bank championship match; so therefore, this is an official championship match for the World Heavyweight Championship!

Michael: This is not happening! Please tell me this is not happening!

JBL: It's brilliant. It's brilliant, Michael.

[the bell rings]

Michael [as Edge quickly covers the Undertaker, who is still down from Mark Henry's beating]: The referee is disgusted! I'm disgusted! [as the referee counts] Here's the cover, hook to the leg, and Undertaker kicked out! Come on, Taker! [as a stunned Edge covers him again] Come on, Undertaker! Cover again! [Undertaker kicks out at 2 again] And again, the champion kicks out!

JBL [as a look of disbelief crosses Edge's face]: But how much does Undertaker have left?

Michael: The referee had no choice-

JBL: He's spent!

Michael: The referee had no choice but to make this match official. Edge has cashed in the Money in the Bank he won on Raw Monday night. [suddenly Undertaker tries to sit up, much to Edge's shock] And Undertaker-

JBL: You're kidding me.

Michael: The beaten Undertaker! [Undertaker collapses back to the mat] Undertaker tried to sit up; he couldn't quite do it! After the assault by Mark Henry, the battle in the steel cage, but perhaps Edge is second-guessing himself here! [Edge is now standing in the corner, waiting for the Undertaker to get back up] What does he have to do to keep the Phenom down?

JBL: Edge is a shark that smells blood in the water, Michael! He's become world champion like this before, and I don't care how many times the Undertaker sits up, he's got nothing left!

Michael: Undertaker can't even pull himself up by the ropes! He is a beaten, defenseless, helpless champion! And that piranha-

JBL: As much as you don't like it, Michael, this is a brilliant, brilliant move by Edge!

Michael: That sick piranha! That piranha Edge is measuring the Undertaker!

JBL [as the Undertaker finally stands up]: He's a piranha that could be our next world champion!

[Edge hits the Undertaker with his spear]

Michael: Spear! [Edge covers the Undertaker and the referee counts to 3] The cover! Not this way! Not this way! Dammit!

[the bell rings and the referee hands the World Heavyweight Championship belt to Edge, then raises his arm]

Tony: Here is your winner and the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, the Rated-R Superstar, Edge!

Michael: I am absolutely sick! I am disgusted! The ultimate opportunist has done it, again!

JBL: This is the second time he's won a world championship like this, Michael, and I don't care how disgusted you are; sometimes, you win by attrition, but what is important is, you win - right there, Michael, is our new world champion, Edge!

Michael: I can - I'm still trying to...to get it all straight in my mind; I mean, it's shocking, it is startling, Edge is ch- [Edge has marched over to the announce desk, banging it and yelling at Michael] Yeah, it is yours. It is yours, Edge.

JBL: You're damn right it is!

June 8

Edge: Now I know what you're all thinking. Now I know what you're all thinking, but fear naught, just because I'm hosting The Cutting Edge, that doesn't mean that you won't see me in action here tonight. See, as I understand it, Vickie Guerrero's gonna have a - an announcement for a double main event a little later on tonight, and for your people's sake, let's hope I'm involved.

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: True.

Edge: But on to The Cutting Edge and, you know I bet you people think I couldn't outdo myself, because my guest last week was Batista. [crowd cheers] Oh no, but my guest tonight is bigger than that. That's right, I I I, I outdid myself, my guest tonight actually asked to be on The Cutting Edge. And, and his wish is my demand. See, my guest tonight is the chairman of the board of World Wrestling Entertainment. My guest tonight is Mr. McMahon! [Mr. McMahon's entrance hits and Mr. McMahon walks slowly to the ring]

Michael Cole: Well there is the man who's going through mood swings galore since losing the, the ECW Championship Sunday at One Night Stand. And on Raw, out of control, vindictive, menacing at times, just borderline crazy. But yet on ECW, Mr. McMahon, the complete opposite. Catatonic, almost trance-like at times.

JBL: He deserves to do whatever he wants, as capricious as it is! He's the chairman of the board, he should be on the hundred dollar bill! He should be President of the United States of America! [Edge is clapping]

Edge: Mr. McMahon, I wanna, I wanna let you know what a pleasure it is to have you on my show. You know I'm sure this is gonna be a night that I'll never forget. You know, I'm, first things first, I wanna ask you a question that, uh, now I've been thinking all week because I, I'm watching this Monday on Raw and it's kinda been on the, the top of my head and I'm sure all these people have been wondering the same thing and, that's how you feelin'? How, how, how are you doing, Vince?

Mr. McMahon: [in a trance-like state] They, they all walked through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil, for thou art evil. [crowd chants "You Suck!"]

Edge: Vince, uh, like I said, I wanna thank you for being on the show. I, I know you have a, an insane, hectic, a busy schedule and I wanna thank you for taking a little bit of time out to, to come out on The Cutting Edge here tonight. I don't wanna dwell on the past, I don't wanna dwell on One Night Stand because the, the future's bright. The future is so bright. You know, this Monday on Raw, we have the, the WWE draft. And like we've all said it, the WWE draft is a, a chance to shake things up. It, it, it's an important night and, I don't know about Monday, but I know Fridays on SmackDown!. They, they do the shaking up. Yeah. And even more important than that, Mr. McMahon, this Monday is Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night. [crowd boos] I'm not gonna disrespect you like, like John Cena. [crowd cheers] Like Ric Flair, or, or even, or even Lashley. I'm not gonna do that because let's face it. The reason that I am in this ring is because you. The reason that all of these people are here tonight. The reason that, that millions of people tune into SmackDown! every week is because of you, Mr. McMahon. And no matter what happened on One Night Stand, you, you haven't lost a thing in my eyes. You haven't lost any dignity because like you said, you, you still have your empire. You still have all of your money. And, and in the squared circle of life, Mr. McMahon, you, you are a world champion. [hands McMahon the World Heavyweight Championship and puts it in his lap, but McMahon doesn't move] Give it up for Mr. McMahon. That's right.

McMahon: [stands up] You're no better. You're no better. You're no better. You're no better than Cena, you're no better than...Lashley. You're a sycophant! Vengeance. Vengeance is mine. You one-on-one, for that, against Batista. [crowd cheers]

Edge: That, that, that's not fair. That, that's not fair. I've already beaten Batista twice.

McMahon: Fair?

Edge: It's unfair.

McMahon: Fair?

Edge: It's not fair.

McMahon: Fair. Life is not fair. Life SUCKS and then you die. [crowd chants "Batista"] See, regardless of the draft, it's you and Batista for that, do, do or die. You do, he dies. Do or die. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

September 21

Batista: Yeah! Hell yeah! Oh, you have no, no idea how good I feel. I'm all dressed up, got my new suit on, got my new shoes on, bam! I'm in Hotlanta! And I am once again the World Heavyweight Champion! Yes! This Sunday, at Unforgiven, I was fortunate enough to overcome the former, let me say that again, the former World Heavyweight Champion, The Great Khali, and my good friend, a man who I respect very much and I was proud and privileged to compete against, Mr. 619, Rey Mysterio. Yes sir. Yes sir. Rey, you're my brother, I love you, and you will be World Heavyweight Champion again. I know it in my heart. But for right now, for me, The Great Khali will exercise the rematch clause in his contract. So as it stands, it will be The Great Khali versus Batista at No Mercy. In what he calls a Punjabi Prison match. [Mark Henry's music hits]

Michael Cole: Well ladies and gentlemen, the self-proclaimed silverback, the world's strongest man, Mark Henry, who John, Sunday at Unforgiven, gave the returning Undertaker a hell of a physical battle. But what brings him out to confront The Animal tonight?

JBL: Mark Henry said he's gonna do whatever he wants, and nobody can do anything about it. I think that's what brings Mark Henry out. He's the king of the jungle, Michael. Mark Henry does whatever he wants.

Mark Henry: Batista, I can care less about this celebration of yours. I can care less about your Punjabi Prison match that you're gonna have with The Great Khali at No Mercy. But what I do care about, is next week. The Undertaker returns to SmackDown! in a match against me. The World's Strongest Man. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna end The Undertaker's illustrious career. Come to think of it, I might need a little warmup for The Undertaker next week. And don't worry, don't worry. I won't even take a shot at your precious new title. Because all these people know, and deep in your heart, you know, that if I want that belt, I'll take it whenever I want it.

Batista: Mark Henry, you are as stupid as you are ugly. Last time I checked, you were getting your ass handed to you at Unforgiven by the Deadman. You got the nerve, you got the nerve to come out here and call me out? I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. You've had a Batista beatdown coming for a long-ass time. And tonight, you're gonna get it. You want a match? You're on.

November 2

Batista: I grew up a pretty poor kid in Washington, DC. Getting in fights all the time, had to fight my way out of a lot of bad situations. And WWE, same thing. Been in fights A to Z. Street fights, cage matches, you name it. Been there, done that. But this past Sunday, I did something, I accomplished something I thought I might never do. I beat The Undertaker. I, the rivalry between The Undertaker and myself, it's, it's been a war. He's won one, I've won one, we got two draws, in my book, that makes us even. Which is perfect for tonight, since we are tag team partners. So this is what I wanna say. We're not, we have not settled our differences by any means. But Undertaker, tonight, I've got your back and my question is, I'm wondering if you've got my back. 'Cause if you don't [The Undertaker's gong goes off and The Undertaker appears]

The Undertaker: You can rest assured, I got your back. Because you still have the one thing that I want.

Batista: Are you saying you want a rematch? Done. You've got it. [drops the microphone and prepares to leave the ring]

Undertaker: Batista. Hell in a Cell!

---

[Hornswoggle attacks Jonathan Coachman]

JBL: Referees don't do that.

Michael Cole: Well, when you're a McMahon, you can do whatever you want to do, right?

JBL: Oh, that's a good point.

2008

August 22

Triple H: So let me get this straight now...at Unforgiven, it's gonna be the Championship Scramble where, 5 men are gonna get in the ring to try to capture the WWE championship; it'll be myself, MVP...

[the crowd boos]

Triple H: Shelton Benjamin...

[the crowd boos again]

Triple H: Brian Kendrick...

[the crowd boos again]

Triple H: ...no no no no, not just any Brian Kendrick, THE Brian Kendrick...

[the crowd boos louder]

Triple H: ...and the enigma Jeff Hardy. [the crowd cheers] Now here's the trick - they can get in the ring and they don't have to beat me to become champion; they can beat any one of them, and the last one to catch a fall, in the 20 minutes, walks out the WWE champion, now...those odds don't favor me very much, they practically guarantee that the title will change hands. But I just wanna let these guys know one thing before you all go out and start celebrating, buying yourself a Rolex or a, a fancy new sports car to celebrate your big win of becoming WWE champion, here's the thing you gotta understand, guys: the fifth guy in that ring...the fifth guy in that ring is a 12-time champion. [the crowd cheers] The fifth guy in that ring has been in every match that the WWE has to offer, and has come out on top! The fifth guy is known for a very good reason as the Game. He is also known as the King of Kings, and trust me, there is only one-

[suddenly Kenny Dykstra's music hits as he comes out and marches towards the ring]

Jim Ross: Wow. What the...

Tazz: It's Kenny Dykstra, what...

Jim: Kenny Dykstra interrupting the WWE champion, somewhat disrespectful - extremely disrespectfully, for a fact-

[Kenny snatches the mic from Triple H's hand]

Kenny: So I'm not even considered for the Championship Scramble? Really?! I'm sick and tired of people not taking me serious around here. My name is Kenny Dykstra, and-

[Triple H kicks Kenny in the gut and gives him the Pedigree]

Jim: Oh, oh...and this is a Pedigree -

Tazz: Oh, God!

Jim: - from the WWE champion!

[Triple H picks up his title and then the mic]

Triple H: Good to see ya, Kenny. [drops the mic and leaves the ring]

Tazz: Well, I tell ya, I give Kenny Dykstra a lot of credit for coming out here and getting right in the face of the WWE champion, but...that Pedigree was nasty!

Jim: Well, Dykstra's got a world of talent and abilities, but I can't say so much for his timing!

2009

February 13

Jeff Hardy: Um, you know it's been a weird, a really weird time for me lately. I kinda feel broken, kinda feel, you know, left alone. I kinda felt like doing bad things to bad people but something doesn't feel right. Matt Hardy is my brother. I mean, we made it here to the WWE together. We've won championships together, we've lost championships together. I mean come on, a big brother's someone you're supposed to be able to look up to, he's supposed to be a role model. He's supposed to have your back. And evidently with Matt, that's not the case. I don't know if it's jealousy or what, but whatever it is, it's messed up. At the Royal Rumble, I mean it used to remind me of good times, I mean when we were kids we watched it every year. But now all it reminds me of is betrayal. All it reminds me of is a chair shot to the head and a broken dream. Matt whatever's going on inside your head man, you should know better than anybody how I roll man and I'm the type of person that moves on. I don't live in the past and I refuse to. So what I'm gonna do is move on, and I'm moving on to this Sunday, come the Elimination Chamber, and I will become the WWE Champion for the second time whether Matt Hardy likes it or not!

May 15

Josh Mathews: Well Jeff, congratulations on your victory, it now appears that you have all the momentum heading into your championship opportunity this Sunday at Judgment Day.

Jeff Hardy: Edge is a creature of habit. If you watched him over the last, uh, few months, you'll notice he wins a title on a pay-per-view. A month later, he loses the title. He wins a title, he loses the title. It's a pattern. [to the fans] You're the greatest! [crowd cheers] At Backlash, Edge won the title again. At Judgment Day, he will lose again. Josh, it won't be just for me. It's gonna be for each and every one of these people who supported me through thick and thin, always believed in what I stand for, and that's being me, Jeff Hardy!

July 10

CM Punk: Are you proud of yourself Jeff? I could have been seriously injured last week. And you got a lot of nerve faking an eye injury, leaving me in the ring to fend for myself, especially considering you're the one who injured my eye in the first place. As far as what you said earlier about me making the whole thing up, coming out here with your cute eye patch mocking me, I wanna show you something Jeff. This is Polymixin B Sulfate. I have to apply this to my eye three times a day. The only way you obtain this is with a prescription. From a doctor. Now, I know, you know a thing or two about prescription medication. What I don't think you realize is that you have to go to a doctor to legally obtain some. Unlike you Jeff, this is the only foreign substance I will allow in my body. So if you wanna imitate me, why don't you try living a clean lifestyle? Why don't you try living a straight edge lifestyle? Jeff, you've got two strikes. You how many I have? Zero. Jeff you know how many times I've been suspended? Zero. You know how many times I've been to a rehab facility? That's right. Zero. And do you know what your chances are of beating me at Night of Champions? Zero.

July 24

CM Punk: I've, I've come out here tonight to challenge you. Challenge you, the WWE universe, into seeing things my way. And to learn how to just say no. See, because the people who cheer for Jeff Hardy are just slaves to the vices associated with his "living in the moment". I feel bad for you, I really do. You, you walk around almost blind, and you wear your prescriptions proudly on your sleeve, like they were badges of honor. And what was it the doctor told you? Just take one every four hours right? Aside from myself, there's not a person in this arena who hasn't abused prescription medication or taken a recreational drug. And I know, trust me, it's hard being straight edge, it's hard to live a straight edge lifestyle. It's extremely difficult to be me. But what concerns me now is that none of you realize how much more difficult it is to live the life that you all live. I'm positive nobody in here takes into account the long-term consequences of alcohol on your liver. See and you cheer that, that's nothing to cheer. You drink because it's fun, right? Eventually it's not gonna be fun anymore when it spirals out of control and it's no longer, it's no longer fun. Sooner or later, you're just drinking to feel normal. And then there's the smokers. You know, I don't know what's more disgusting is watching a smoker pollute his or her lungs with over 4,000 foreign chemicals, or having to listen to the smoker convince themselves that they can quit whenever they want to. It's, it's hard to quit, I know it takes a very strong person to quit. But an even stronger person never would have started smoking in the first place. [crowd chants "Hardy"] I didn't wanna come out here and be the bearer of bad news, but let's face facts. Chances are pretty slim that any of you here will ever get the monkey off your back. You'll never be able to pry the cigarette from your lips. Or find the self-control to pour your drink from your glass. Or the self-respect to take the pill out of your mouth. See, it starts and it can't happen without learning how to say no to temptation, and that's why I'm out here. I'm out here to challenge you before it's too late. Please, learn how to say no to temptation. Learn how to say no to your vices. Learn how to control yourselves. [Jeff Hardy's music hits and Jeff Hardy comes out]

Jeff Hardy: You got a lot of nerve, Punk. A lot of nerve. I mean you think you're so right, but what you don't know about people can fill a book man. I mean, you're so stuck with yourself it's like, you forgot what it's like to be human. People make mistakes and those people can change.

Punk: No, Jeff. People, these people say they can change. You know what? I'm not, I'm not going to enable you right now. In fact, I don't even wanna be in the same ring as you right now. I'm gonna do what I always do, what you should have done a long time ago. I'm gonna just say no.

August 28

[Jeff Hardy has lost a steel cage match to CM Punk for the World Heavyweight Championship, meaning he has to leave WWE]

Jeff Hardy: First of all, I'm sorry if I let anybody down. I'm sorry that now you'll be seeing CM Punk instead of me on SmackDown. But it's been one hell of a ride, hasn't it? I just want to thank all of you and I wanna let you know that this is not goodbye forever. This is only goodbye for now. And if the time is right, I'm sure I'll see you in the future. Thank you all. Hey but at least Matt's back on my side, there's still a Hardy on this show! Yours truly, Jeff Hardy. Ours truly, this life.

2010

April 2

[After Edge takes out Chris Jericho, following Chris telling him he would not get a rematch for his World Heavyweight Championship. Edge makes his way back up the entrance ramp]

Matt Striker: What a way to kick off the first SmackDown after WrestleMania!

Todd Grisham: Once again, Edge's spear proves fatal.

[suddenly Jack Swagger runs in and knocks down Edge from behind with his Money in the Bank briefcase]

Todd & Matt: Oh!

Todd: It - it's Jack Swagger, the Money in the Bank ladder match winner!

[Swagger makes his way into the ring and yells at Jericho to get up, before realizing his opportunity and making his way out of the ring]

Matt: Inside that briefcase is a contract for a championship match at any time and - Jericho's out, Todd!

Todd: This-

Jack [grabbing a mic]: Get a ref out here right now, I'm cashing in my Money in the Bank!

Matt: Oh, yeah!

Todd [as Swagger throws down the mic and gets back into the ring]: Jack almost did it on Raw!

Matt: Yeah!

Todd: He's called for a referee! Jack Swagger's cashing in his contract right now!

Matt: The bank of the All-American American is open and it's cash deposits only!

Todd: Where's the referee?

[referee Mike Chioda runs out to the ring]

Matt: Here he comes! The real big deal, we're gonna have this now, awesome!

Todd: This is it! The World Heavyweight Championship is on the line!

Matt: The contract is being cashed in! [as Chioda hands the briefcase to the timekeepers on the outside] This is gonna be for the world's heavyweight championship!

Todd: Swagger like a caged lion right now! He can't wait! "Ring the bell", he says!

Matt [as Swagger grows impatient while Chioda picks up the mics and Jericho's jacket laying in the ring]: Well, the official has to clear the ring for the safety of the competitors, but man, does Jericho even realize Swagger is in the ring?

Todd: Swagger is having a fit! This is his moment! Swagger looking for his first world title!

Matt [as the battered Jericho slowly gets to his feet]: Swagger endured nine other superstars to capture the Money in the Bank contract, and now, it's on! [Chioda gives the signal and the bell rings] Here we go, the moment of a lifetime!

Todd [as Swagger grabs Jericho]: Swagger, setting up-

Matt: Hook it!

Todd: Gutwrench powerbomb! This is it! Jack Swagger for the cover! [as the referee counts] 1, 2, 3! [the bell rings again] We have a new World Heavyweight Champion! Unbelievable!

[the referee hands Swagger the World Heavyweight Championship title and raises his arm]

Tony Chimel: Here is your winner, and the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, the All-American American, Jack Swagger!

Matt: Let the reign begin! Jack Swagger has cashed in the Money in the Bank contract! Jack Swagger is our new world's heavyweight champion!

Todd: The two-time all-American American can now add a world championship to his resume!

Matt: Listen, this past Monday on Raw, we thought that Jack Swagger may have cashed in the Money in the Bank contract on the new WWE Champion John Cena, but no, no! Jack Swagger had a much, much different plan!

Todd: It didn't feel right on Monday night; it feels fantastic on Friday. Jack Swagger-

Matt: Wow.

Todd: ...very patient, picked his moment, seized the day, and is now walking out as a world champion.

Matt: What an opportunist! What a perfect place for the strategy for the All-American American World Heavyweight Champion!

June 4

Kane: Open the coffin. [The Undertaker's druids open the casket, revealing it's empty] In all likelihood, the most feared, dreaded, respected force in the history of the WWE, The Undertaker, [crowd cheers] my brother, will no longer walk amongst us. Gone are the endless nights when The Undertaker would strike fear into the hearts of those in his presence. Gone is the face of darkness, his brilliance EXTINGUISHED by an act of cowardice. Gone is the specter that was beloved and admired by millions of creatures around the world. Gone from the WWE is its most iconic figure. And gone forever are the bonds of brotherhood. My brother will rise from the dead no more. Gone is The Undertaker. But soon enough, those responsible for this atrocity will too be gone. They will be committed to the depths of hell. To a torturous existence that they cannot fathom! I will personally prosecute and persecute ANYONE who had anything to do with this tragedy! THERE WILL BE VENGEANCE! THERE WILL BE VENGEANCE, COLD, CUNNING, CRUEL! There will be vengeance never before seen or felt! Vengeance never before imagined! There will be a vengeance SWIFT, DECISIVE, AND TERRIBLE! YES! THERE WILL BE VENGEANCE!

2011

January 28

[Backstage, Todd Grisham interviews "Dashing" Cody Rhodes, one week after he suffered a broken nose in a match with Rey Mysterio. Cody's back is turned to the camera the entire time]

Todd: Cody, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you about the injury you sustained last week.

Cody: Go ahead.

Todd: Could you...turn and face the camera? It's a live interview.

Cody: No, no-no! We're not shooting my face, Todd, not even you; not...not my face. After what Rey Mysterio did to my face, I may never be able to...show myself in public, ever again. [the crowd cheers] And I have it...I have it on good authority that Rey Mysterio didn't even wanna win that match, he wasn't concerned with winning that match, why else would he have kept his knee brace exposed? He wanted to...to bash my face in. And he succeeded! Because not only do I have a deviated septum and a broken nose...but I'm going to require extensive reconstructive surgery. Doctors have told me that...I am not to compete in the Royal Rumble match. [the crowd cheers again] So, not only...not only has Rey Mysterio shattered my face...he shattered my dreams of headlining WrestleMania. I don't understand...why would anyone wanna do that to my face? I, I am - I was - the most handsome man in the world; my looks...my looks defined me, I made my living off of my looks, and now...I can't even stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I read something the other day that was...very true for me right now, and it said that "it's not who we are on the inside but what we do that defines us." Well, Todd, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna - am I gonna keep standing? Am I gonna stand up? Am I gonna keep swinging, am I gonna keep fighting? Because Rey Mysterio doesn't decide my life, I DO!! Coming into the arena today, a little kid yelled at me and said, that I wasn't "dashing" anymore because of my face. Wanna know the worst part?...he's right. That's enough.

Todd: All right. Thank you very much, Cody.

2012

May 18

John Laurinaitis: You like that, don't you?! I can't hear you! You like that, right?! You like it when somebody makes fun of their boss! Since I'm the general manager of Raw and SmackDown, I've been tough but fair! I've sometimes been generous. I've been benevolent. But you don't get it, do you? I work hard for you, the WWE Universe, and it seems like the harder I work, the more you like the crap all over me! Now, I'm not gonna blame John Cena and CM Punk for their actions. I'm gonna blame each and every one of you. You support what they do! You support what they say! It's your fault! I detest each and every one of you! YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! And if this is my last night on SmackDown, I want all you inmates to remember the last thing I say: you can all go to hell!

May 25

Big Show: Now, the Monday before Over the Limit, I was fired. Now, a lot of you people know what that's like, but I've never been fired before. So, like most of you, I wasn't too proud to beg for my job. But, see, the difference between me and those of you that have been fired, you don't love what you do. It's just a job. I love what I do. I'm a 7-foot 440-pound giant that loves dominating people. Now, when I lost my dream job, I didn't know what to do. I had no visible means of supporting my family. I became very despondent. I couldn't speak. I couldn't eat. I could barely breathe. I felt betrayed. I felt betrayed by all my so-called friends in and out of the ring. I felt betrayed by each and every one of you. Not one of you! [audience boos] Oh, yeah. Not one of you. Not one of the superstars in the locker room. Not one member of our production or technical crew came to my defense. After all the years and all the things I've done, that's what I get? [hears "You sold out!" chants] I sold out. Is that it? I did not sell out. No, I did not sell out. After everything that I had done for you people, this is the thanks I get. I realized, at that very moment, I realized I have no friends. I realized that I am alone in this world. And then... then, I got the call. Let me ask you. When you're drowning, do you really care where the lifeline comes from? [hears "Cena" chants] So, I made a deal. If I help John Laurinaitis defeat John Cena, I got my life back. I got a new contract and a big fat bonus. All Laurinaitis had to do was, at some point during the match, escape from John Cena and it was set. I would drag Laurinaitis back to the ring like I wanted revenge. It was just a ruse for John Cena. When I threw Laurinaitis to Cena, I knew exactly what was going to happen next. With one punch, I knocked John Cena out cold. Then, I watched Laurinaitis pin John Cena for the 1-2-3. And at No Way Out, I'm gonna do it again. You see, I understand now. You people... you people really never cared about me. Never. Well, now, I damn sure don't care about you.

June 15

Big Show: Look, I have no reason to lie about whether I punched Vince McMahon in the face last Monday on Raw on purpose or not. I have no reason to lie. If I came out here and said, "I did it on purpose," no idea, I might get fired but I would still get paid millions of dollars to stay at home and do nothing. So because I don't have to lie, I'm gonna tell you all the truth. Even... even when I was in WCW, I never really was allowed to reach my fullest potential because I was never allowed to outshine the so-called faces of the company. You know Hulk Hogan, Sting, Ric Flair, whatever. When the chance came and I finally became a free agent, everyone gave me advice. Everyone says, "You've got to go to WWE. You've got to talk to Vince McMahon. Vince McMahon can make you the biggest star in entertainment both literally and figuratively." So, I came to the WWE. I talked to Vince McMahon. So, I talked to Vince McMahon. Vince McMahon says to me, he says, [mimicking Vince McMahon] "You know, you gotta.. you gotta be a... a better businessman. You got... you got to learn to let people care about you. You got to let people in. You know, you got to learn to put on a show. Matter of fact, your name's no longer Paul Wight, your name's the Big Show." Great name. So, for 14 years, I did it Vince McMahon's way, and meanwhile, guys like John Cena, CM Punk, Randy Orton, Sheamus, they all rose to the top and I'm sitting on the sidelines. Supposed to be happy about being some kind of "special attraction"? Me, on the sidelines. I even tried it Cena's way. For ten years, I smiled, I cracked jokes, I ran to the ring slapping high-fives with the WWE Universe. I am proud that I am not John Cena. So, I think in the steel cage match, I think I'm gonna make up for lost time. I think I'm finally gonna show the world what I'm truly capable of and the best part is, I am not burdened with what you people think anymore. Yes, boo me, 'cause, unlike what I did to Vince McMahon, what I do to John Cena will be extremely deliberate. It will be calculated. It will be uncomfortable. I may be a sellout to you but this Sunday, I will make John Cena suffer. For 14 years I've been in the WWE, you know, I'm looking at this Sunday, I'm looking at No Way Out, the steel cage match this Sunday, I'm looking as my first match and I will be victorious, I guarantee it.

2017

February 14

Bray Wyatt: She never said this will be easy. "They will lie to you," she said. "They will try to denounce you," she said. "They will try to steal your gift," and she was right. Sister Abigail always spoke the truth, and so do I. So when I tell you that I knew this day would come, I am not telling you a lie! And on this day, in this moment in time right now, this very second, I can truly say that I have [holds high the newly-won WWE Championship] the whole damn world in my hands.

Now, too much power, that can be a very, very scary thing. Not for me, of course, but for all of you. So I say unto you, open your ears, and I will sing you a beautiful melody. Open your eyes, and I will show you the wonders of this world! Walk by my side, and I will lead you to paradise! Stand in my way, and you will burn in the fire.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you all to the Era of Wyatt!

2020

March 13

Triple H: Welcome to Friday Night SmackDown on Fox. I'm The Game, Triple H, and I would like to personally welcome you to the WWE Performance Center. This 30,000 square foot amazing state-of-the-art facility with its seven rings and its world-class strength and conditioning and medical is designed to bring you the WWE superstars of the future. This is the athletic hub of the WWE. On any given day, there are a hundred athletes from all over the world training here, putting their heart and soul into everything they do, with the ultimate goal being the ultimate privilege of performing for you. Everybody from Sasha Banks, Bayley, Asuka, Roman Reigns, Bray Wyatt, Baron Corbin, they have all walked through these doors. And tonight, they will return to the Performance Center. Not to train, but to do what they have been trained to do better than anyone else on this planet, and that is entertain you. Now, this show will be different from anything you have ever seen before. So, sit back, relax, and if you can, forget about the world around you, and let WWE do what we do, let us put a smile on your face. Welcome to Friday Night SmackDown on Fox.

June 26

King Corbin: How about that, hmm? The Undertaker's final match. It just happened to be 30 years after his first match. But you guys know why they call it a boneyard match? Huh? Because that's exactly what the Undertaker is: an old bag of bones. The Undertaker's just a shell of what he used to be. I mean, he's supposed to have some storied 30-year career. Wow. Do you know how many of those years the Undertaker spent kissing the ass of a certain family? Do you know there actually used to be a club around here called the "Kiss My Ass" club? And the Undertaker, well, he was the founding member. I mean, really, a 30-year career. Nobody does that. It's impossible. Unless, unless, unless, unless you're coddled and protected by the owners. It's exactly what he was. Protected for 30 years. Undertaker, you've been stealing money from this company for the last 20 years. And you know what else, I think you're a selfish son-of-a-bitch because you've been holding superior athletes, like myself, down for a very, very long time. And now, now I gotta stand around and I gotta hear all these Hall of Famers and these legends pay their respects to the Undertaker. Matter of fact, then, all these fools come out to the stage and they chant, "Thank you, Taker." You know what? Taker, I don't thank you. Oh, don't start with that stupid chant! [audience chants "Thank you, Taker."] No, no, no, it's very simple. Matter of fact, Mark Calaway, I wanna leave you with one final thought...you suck!

2021

April 9

Edge: I went to WrestleMania VI; Hulk Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior. And that night, I-I knew what I needed to do with the rest of my life. A-and when I dream things, I HAVE to manifest them. That's the way things work in my world, and-and some of you may relate, but a lot of you won't because common sense isn't very common. And I did... I became a WWE Superstar. A Superstar who accomplished everything. Everything... but ending my career on my terms. Now, some of you will also say "Well, isn't that enough?", and if you have to ask "Isn't that enough?", then you have NO idea the mentality it takes — to see the heights that I've seen... to fight back for your career for 9 years. See, I didn't walk away from this: I had this ripped away from me! I didn't try to forge another career off the back of this; THIS IS ALL that I wanted to do! And I fought... and I ripped my career right back outta fate's hands. I didn't come back for some "Greatest Hits" tour; to be a shell of my former self. I came back to steal the show, TO MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA! And I missed 9 of 'em, so I won't apologize for that. So Daniel Bryan... (scoffs) you come out here saying this could be your last WrestleMania — Have you heard, everyone? This could be Daniel Bryan's last WrestleMania. A month in your career's like a YEAR in mine; WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS FOR ME?! So you... you use sympathy as a factor to weasel your way into this match, and then, before that, though, you had these ridiculous ideas: "Well, why don't I face the winner of Roman and Edge?" I'm assuming right after we face each other, well that got shot down. Okay, fine. "Well, why don't I face Edge on the Saturday of WrestleMania and the winner faces Roman on the Sunday?" Well, that got shot down. But, somehow, this has now been made a Triple Threat Match. Which means, Daniel Bryan can pin Roman Reigns, and I have nothing to do with that. That... that could happen. So, instead of a 1-on-1 match, a clash of the titans between TWO ERAS, now we have some indie, book store... c-clerk... troll sticking his nose in our business. Now Roman Reigns... you walk around here, man, like everyone owes you something, like you created this. I don't owe you anything. In fact, you owe ME. I mean, let's run it back: You came into the WWE in a 3-man group... you made your entrance through the crowd... you use a Spear as your finisher, well who set that template for you? You're Samoan Edge. (chuckles) But I will say... you're good. You always have been, and I seen what you've become. I came back to swing for the fences, and Roman, you are the Green Monster. And now we had our match ripped away from us, and not only that, but the fans have had it ripped away from them. And I think some of them are on to Daniel Bryan now, except for the, the lemmings who chant "Yes!" just like they used to chant "What?". And somewhere, in all of this, SOMEWHERE, in ALL of this, t-the fact that has been lost is that this match takes place 10 years to the day, w-when I was forced to retire. It's not mentioned; no video packages, no social media platforms, no... touching videos with piano music as the bed. No, NOTHING. Anyone else? If that's Daniel Bryan, that narrative is driven into the GROUND. A-and, wh-why? Why am I having to remind everyone of this? It's because since I've been back, I have not received the respect that I deserve. I-I fought back from a torn triceps to enter the Royal Rumble, start number 1, outlast 29 other Superstars and punch my ticket to the main event of WrestleMania. I shouldn't have to jump through hoops! I have come back from something that no one, NO ONE, in the history of sports — let alone sports entertainment — has ever come back from: Nine years! A TRIPLE FUSION IN MY NECK!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE PAIN THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH TO GET THIS BACK!!!! You wanna call me some kind of "part-timer"? You think I'm gonna come out here and phone it in? I am doing hurricanranas off the top rope! I am competing at a level that NO ONE has ever done from this type of injury! That is a slap in the face to me, and my work ethic! So now... it's time for me... to take, and demand, the respect that I deserve. You will put respect on my name! In case you forgot, in case you never knew; I AM THE RATED-R SUPERSTAR! You can call it "fate", you can call it "God's will", you can call it whatever the Hell you want. I am the NEXT Universal Champion... because I've DREAMT IT... and now... I will MANIFEST IT.

October 22

Adam Pearce: Ladies and gentlemen, no single individual can come out here and hold this show hostage or cause the kind of chaos we just witnessed. Make no mistake, Brock Lesnar's actions were completely unacceptable, completely irresponsible. And not just the property damage, he endangered our crew, he endangered our officials, he endangered his fellow superstars, and worst of all, Brock Lesnar endangered the WWE Universe, and that cannot happen. I cannot allow that to happen, not on my watch. Therefore, I have the unfortunate duty to inform all of you that due to his actions tonight, I am indefinitely suspending Brock Lesnar.

October 29

Adam Pearce: Brock Lesnar's actions last week were disgusting, reprehensible, and, if I'm being honest, an act of total cowardice. How dare he lay his hands on the heart of his corporate engine. I give every piece of myself to this company and I will not...I will not be disrespected. That cannot, will not happen again. I called Mr. Lesnar earlier today and I informed him over the telephone that due to his actions, in addition to his suspension, I'm hereby fining him the sum of $1 million. Thank you.

December 17

Roman Reigns: Chicago, you see, I said this before, and I thought I made it very clear. I don't like it when my cousins lose. You know that, right, Jey? But we're family, and we can get through anything because we're blood. [Turns to Paul Heyman] But you... you're not my blood. And you should know better than anybody that I can't have people disrespecting me, because if you disrespect me, you disrespect our entire family. So I'm gonna ask you a few questions that I thought I already asked and I figured I knew the answers to already, but...can I trust you, wise man? I took a week off, and it's like... I didn't see nothing, but I know everything that happens around here, and last week, you seemed a little shady to me. So let's get this straight. I wanna know this. Did you know Brock was gonna return at SummerSlam? Did you know Brock was gonna be at Madison Square Garden? Did you know Brock's suspension was gonna be lifted? [hears "You screwed up!" chants] Oh, you're damn right he screwed up.

This is the most important question. Are you a special counsel, or are you an advocate? [As the crowd chants "Advocate," Paul motions for a mic] Now, before you say anything, I want you to acknowledge me with the truth. Why are you protecting Brock Lesnar from me?

Paul Heyman: [trembling] My Tribal Chief, I'm not protecting Brock Lesnar from you. [Looks up to the sky] Help me. I'm protecting you from Brock Lesnar.

Roman: [slowly embracing Paul] I love you, wise man.

Paul: I love you too, my Tribal Chief.

Roman: And I thank you for your honesty, and I thank you for 40 years of service to my family.

Paul: I love you, my Tribal Chief.

Roman: And you're fired.

2022

February 4

Paul Heyman: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm here tonight to serve as special counsel to your Tribal Chief, the reigning, defending, undisputed, uncontroverted WWE Universal Heavyweight Champion, Roman Reigns.

You know why we bothered to come here tonight? To acknowledge what really happened. Let's acknowledge a couple of uncomfortable truths right now. There was no plot, there was no scenario, there was no conspiracy. This was not done to make Brock Lesnar look foolish, though he looks like a damn fool now anyway. History, the evolution, the trajectory of this entire industry unfolded in front of your very eyes. On December 17, live in a great city called Chicago, I acknowledge that I made the biggest mistake of my entire career. And it wasn't the fact that I told Roman Reigns what I actually felt in my heart, it was what was in my heart that I must acknowledge made me look really foolish. I told the Head of the Table, I told the greatest champion in the history of WWE that he needed to be protected from Brock Lesnar because that's what I honestly thought after spending 20 years of my life with Brock Lesnar. And I got fired, and I got Superman Punched right in the face because of it. And ladies and gentlemen, I acknowledge I deserved every bit of it.

So there I was, like an unemployed Oklahoman, just out in the ocean of obscurity, languishing, just miserable because I knew my entire career was over. But then, then I saw the moment, and I seized the opportunity when COVID picked the wrong human being to infect, and Roman Reigns couldn't make Day 1. I got Brock Lesnar into an unscheduled fatal 5-way, and Brock Lesnar pulled off what only he or Roman Reigns could've pulled off. Brock Lesnar became the WWE Champion of the world, and everything was gonna be fine. Brock Lesnar on Raw, Roman Reigns on SmackDown!, both ruling the roost, and everybody was in their place, except...[motioning between himself and Roman] this.

So what did Brock Lesnar do his first night as champion? He makes the conscious decision, "we're gonna go to SmackDown!, I'm gonna get up in Roman Reigns's face, and I'm gonna challenge Roman Reigns to title vs. title, champion vs. champion, winner-take-all at WrestleMania." How freakin' stupid is that?! It's as stupid as that damn smile on his face and the beard and this freakin' ponytail! Brock Lesnar looks like a schmuck, and now he acts like a schmuck! He wants to challenge Roman Reigns instead of just accepting his place in history over on Raw.

And I knew right there, I was stuck. I knew I had no way out. I screwed up with the Tribal Chief, I'm stuck with a happy Saskatchewan farmer who just wants to come in here and take everybody to Suplex City. And we get to Royal Rumble, and Brock Lesnar does just that. Brock Lesnar took Bobby Lashley to Suplex City. And then, Roman Reigns showed this conqueror that a GOAT can always slay a Beast, because I thought I was gonna spend my life saying, "ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, undisputed..." You will never hear that again.

Because Roman Reigns came into the ring at the Royal Rumble, and he smashed Brock Lesnar. [Drops to his knees] And at that moment in my life, I understood I don't need to protect Roman Reigns from Brock Lesnar; I needed to protect Brock Lesnar from Roman Reigns! Roman Reigns came to me, and he offered me the hand of forgiveness, he... he offered me the hand of love, he offered me the hand of family, he offered me the hand of the Bloodline. Roman Reigns offered me the hand of acknowledgement, and I handed Roman Reigns that WWE Championship, and he smashed Brock Lesnar in the face with it. And because of Roman Reigns, Bobby Lashley pinned Brock Lesnar, and Bobby Lashley is your new WWE Heavyweight Champion.

Which means you now all have to acknowledge that there will be no title vs. title, champion vs. champion, winner-take-all at WrestleMania because Brock Lesnar does not get what Brock Lesnar wants. Brock Lesnar will do what Roman Reigns wants Brock Lesnar to do. And at WrestleMania, Brock Lesnar will acknowledge the champion, Roman Reigns.

Hey, Brock, this is how it's done. [Turns to Roman] I, Paul Heyman, acknowledge you, Roman Reigns, as my Tribal Chief. And now, Oklahoma City, this is your chance to show a worldwide audience your moment in history! OKC, acknowledge your Tribal Chief!

March 4

Sami Zayn [throwing a fit after losing the Intercontinental Championship] It should've been mine! That championship is mine! What are you following me for, huh? Why are you following me?! You like following me with your little cameras when I'm humiliated. Is that it? Is that it? You wanna follow me when I'm down just like Johnny Knoxville? Following me everywhere. Following me on Instagram and stalking me in my comments. Following me every week to Smackdown. I got an idea, Knoxville! You wanna follow me so bad? Why don't you follow me to Dallas and I will see you at WrestleMania!

May 20

Roman: Grand Rapids...acknowledge me! You see, tonight's special. Tonight is a special night because you're not only acknowledging your Tribal Chief. No, no, no, tonight, you acknowledge my cousins, the Usos. Which means tonight, you acknowledge the Bloodline! Wise man.

Paul: Yes, my Tribal Chief.

Roman: Tell them why.

Paul: [taking the mic] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the single biggest night in the history of tag team wrestling. You see, what we have on the Island of Relevancy is the moment of truth tonight. Roman Reigns is the GOAT, undisputed, the Greatest of All Time. You can take your Bruno Sammartinos, you can take your Hulk Hogans, you can take your Stone Cold Steve Austins, you can take your Dwayne "The Rock" Johnsons, you can take your Brock Lesnars, you can take your John Cenas. You can stack them all up, and that's what would happen if they stepped into the ring at the same time with the Tribal Chief Roman Reigns. They would be stacked up and smashed and pinned by the undisputed GOAT, the Greatest of All Time, Roman Reigns.

And while you sit there with your insecure cheers, here's something you have to acknowledge. Each and every single night of his life, Roman Reigns defends the position of being the greatest of all time. Because that's what it takes to be the Tribal Chief on the Island of Relevancy. So what, what does it take for the Usos to be the greatest tag team of all time? And I say that with a lot of nervousness in my voice because I stand in the ring with the descendants, the direct descendants of Afa and Sika. So to claim "greatest tag team of all time" would be pretty disrespectful if you don't do something that not even Afa and Sika, the Wild Samoans, ever accomplished. What is that accomplishment? Unifying the tag team titles! Don't just be the longest-reigning SmackDown Tag Team Champions of all time, be the only tag team ever, ever to be SmackDown Tag Team Champions and Raw Tag Team Champions at the very same time. And to do so, the Usos have to defeat Randy Orton and Riddle, RK-Bro.

Let's give credit where credit's due. This is the best tag team in SmackDown against the best tag team on Raw, perhaps the best tag team in the history of Monday Night Raw. But the Usos have to earn their spot. They have to be relevant, they can't be yesterday's news, and it's not enough to just be the cousins of the Tribal Chief. So tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the Usos will come home the Undisputed Tag Team Champions, or they won't come home to the Island of Relevancy at all. Tonight, the Usos will beat RK-Bro! Tonight, the Usos will become the greatest tag team of all time! Tonight, the Usos will be the undisputed tag team champions of the world! And that's not just a prediction. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a spoiler.

Roman: Usos! Twins, you know what I want, and I expect you to deliver. The only reason I have these expectations is because I love you.

October 7

Maxxine: What is going on here?! I'm so over this! Max, what were you thinking?

LA Knight: Do NOT call me that name again. I gave you and them gold and y'all turned into trash! You think I'm just gonna hang out here and be something I'm not? Nah, nah! What I'm not: Max. What I am, who I am: LA Knight, yeah.

October 21

Michael Cole: Sami Zayn, who I say is doing his best Greg Hirsch impersonation, if you watch Succession.

Wade Barrett: I do, indeed. I'd say he's more like Tom, if you ask me. Although, to be fair, I wouldn't trust either of them.

2023

June 16

Roman Reigns: I know what they want. They want answers, Jey. So what's it gonna be? Are you in, or are you out?

Jey Uso: You tell me, Uce. Hey, it's either gonna be him [pointing at Paul Heyman], or it's me.

Roman: Alright, listen. When you're Tribal Chief, you can pick anyone you want to be to be your wise man. This is my wise man. He's not the Bloodline's wise man, he's not Jey's wise man, he's not Jimmy's wise man. No, he's my wise man. He's here to help me as I lead. That's what you don't understand. I was only meant to get us to the promised land; you're meant to keep us here. You understand? You're meant to keep us here. You're meant to keep us at the top of the mountain.

Wise man said that we started grooming you. No, no, no, we've been grooming you for over three years now. Three years now of hard work and equity into you. Why do you think you're the right-hand man? Why do you think we put you in a position to become the Main Event Jey Uso? Because you're meant to lead, just not yet. So the problem isn't the wise man, and I told you this before. The problem...is your brother.

I know. I've been with you my whole lives, you're inseparable. That's what it is. You're twins. But you have to understand...

Jimmy Uso: [entering the arena and ring] Yo, yo. The problem isn't your brother, Jey. The problem is our cousin. Yeah, let's get right to it. Let's get right to it, Uce. You say you're a leader, and you say he's grooming you. But in reality, he's using you, bro. Yeah. Look at me. You actually believe this garbage that is coming out of his mouth? Look at me, Uce. You believe this? Over me?

Roman: [laughing as the crowd chants "USO!"] Listen to them. They weren't doing this ten years ago. Hell, it took ten years just to get y'all in WrestleMania. And since you've been with me, you've main-evented every single one! He's an anchor, I'm the wings! I lift you up, he drags you down! You have a great future in front to you, I told you. You're the next in line, you're the successor, you're the next Tribal Chief. And guess what. You can't be a Tribal Chief and a twin at the same time.

So go ahead. Let him say... let him plead to you, let him beg you, let him give you that brother love. But hey, I can put on a mask, too. You know what I'm saying? But the reality is... actually, wise man.

Paul Heyman: I love you, my Tribal Chief. Yes, my Tribal Chief.

Roman: When we named Jey the right-hand man, who was the only one that had a problem with it?

Paul: [hesitantly] His brother.

Roman: It wasn't the wise man, it was his suggestion.

Paul: [to Jey] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Jey: [to Jimmy] Is that true? Hey, look at me! Is that true?!

Jimmy: It's true, man.

Jey: Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. So this whole damn time, you've been doubting me?!

Jimmy: I never doubted you...

Jey: No! No! I expect that from him, but not you! Let me guess. Because you know what's best for both of us, right? Big brother, right? "Listen to your older brother, Joshua. That's your older brother, Joshua." That's all I heard growing up!

Hey, you know what? Me and you be competing against him, when in all reality, I've been trying to keep up with your ass! Mister... Mr. Prom Prince right here. Mr. Prom King right here. Mr. Player of the Year. Mr. Most Likely to Succeed. Hey, hey, hey, guess what. A blessing happened in disguise. You got hurt, I stepped up! I main-evented SmackDown!, I main-evented pay-per-views, I main-evented WrestleMania. You know why? They know us now! I'm the right-hand man, Main Event Jey Uso, and it's all because of him!

So guess what! You out! And I'm out, too.

[Jey superkicks Roman to the shock of Paul and Solo Sikoa]

Michael Cole: Oh, my God! [Solo runs into a superkick from Jimmy] Solo's stunned... [...and another...] from both Usos!

[The Usos turn to leave the ring, but turn back towards Roman's screaming. They both superkick Roman.]

Michael: The Bloodline is done as we know it! Roman's empire has crumbled! Et tu, Jey!

August 25

Michael Cole: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This past week, we lost two beloved members of our WWE family: Hall of Famer Terry Funk, and the one and only Bray Wyatt. Tonight on Friday Night SmackDown, we will honor their legacy and celebrate their lives. The lives of two incredible men who have touched all of us with their passion, their creativity, and their spirit. Please join us for a moment of silence in our traditional ten bell salute.

December 22

[During the 8-women Holiday Havoc match]

Corey Graves: I'll let you in on a little holiday mythology, KP: every time a table breaks, an angel gets its wings. I didn't just make that up, either.

Kevin Patrick: [as Bianca Belair slams a gift box onto Iyo Sky's head] What's in this present?

Corey: Nothing. Ask Justin Timberlake.

---

Michael Cole: [as Michin hits a senton bomb on Iyo Sky] Senton through the table!

Corey: Hallelujah! Holy crap! Where's the Tylenol?

2024

January 6

[Nick Aldis tries to talk to Paul Heyman as The Bloodline ruin the Triple-Threat match between AJ Styles, Randy Orton, and LA Knight]

Nick Aldis: Oh and one more thing...

Paul Heyman: Don't touch me!! [walks off]

Aldis: [slows him down] Hey hey, when he's done celebrating [refers to Roman Reigns lording over Orton], tell him congratulations.

Heyman: Now why?

Aldis: 'Cause he just earned himself a Fatal Four-Way match with all three of these guys at the Royal Rumble. [smiles, taps Paul on the arm and walks off, leaving Heyman visibly shocked]

June 21

[CM Punk addresses the Bloodline, but remembers something]

CM Punk: Paul.

Paul Heyman: Yes?

Punk: What's the favor you wanted to ask of me if I do you this favor?

Heyman: [comes to Punk distressed] Take me with you! [The Bloodline is shocked]

Punk: Solo, Solo, I acknowledge... [Solo mouths off "say it"] the fact that I don't see the Bloodline standing in front of me, I see a bunch of fake-ass Usos, and [points to Solo] a phony cosplay Tribal Chief!

[The Bloodline rushes the ring, but leave when Cody Rhodes appears and he gives CM Punk a bat]

Cody Rhodes: Solo, you fashion yourself the head of the Table right?

Solo Sikoa: Damn right, damn right!

Rhodes: I've already beaten one head of the Table. So why don't you leave your family backstage, Kevin and Randy won't accompany me. We settle this here, we settle this TONIGHT!

June 28

Kevin Owens: Hey, Bloodline! If you thought we were gonna wait until Money in the Bank, you're even dumber than you look.

Randy Orton: Hey, Kev, check it out. The Bloodline has been crawling up my ass for over two years. They put me on the shelf for 18 freaking months. So at Money in the Bank, we put The Bloodline down for good.

Cody Rhodes: The Bloodline looks in this ring and you know what they see? They see three victims. I don't see three victims. I see one of the most dangerous men on the planet, somebody that's headlined Wrestlemania. I see my friend, Kevin Owens. And I see a 14-time world champion, a first ballot Hall of Famer, a man who's responsible for me standing here, The Legend Killer, Randy Orton. And here's what else I see: I see a sold-out world's famous arena, Madison Square Garden. You see, magic like this or crowd like this, I should be defending my WWE Championship here tonight against a worthy credible opponent. Instead, I'm fighting a war with The Bloodline, I respectfully I thought I already finished at Wrestlemania. [NYPD shows up] Solo, look at me. At Money in the Bank, I don't know why we're calling it The Bloodline because I don't see a boss. I don't see a Tribal Chief. I don't see the Head of the Table. I see a seat filler.

---

[Solo reiterates his leadership of the Bloodline. The other members have acknowledged him, but when he asks it of Paul Heyman...]

Paul Heyman: I love you.

Solo Sikoa: I love you too.

Heyman: ...and I acknowledge... [readies special garland] that you are NOT MY TRIBAL CHIEF!!! [throws away garland and mic]