What Happens in Vegas
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- We got robbed...the only thing they took was the door.. (shrugs shoulders)
- Yeah that's a little bit of me...and some other people. (Response when Joy says his bed stinks)
- Oh yeah this is happening (said while peeing in the kitchen sink) oh, and by the way, it's your day on dishes
- (To Joy when she sees the bathroom) Don't throw all of that hair away. I'm saving it up to make you something special... like a hat... or a sweater.
- I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.
- (To Joy before she leaves for work) Don't get hit by a bus. (Door closes) Or do. Whatever.
- (To Doctor Twitchell at councilling) Her candles smell awesome!
- (Morning after the drunk wedding) What's mine is yours! Me coffee su coffee, haha...
- What happened to "what's mine is yours baby.." we're married now...remember?
- To anyone who has ever been dumped and to anyone who has ever been fired...when I say screw you say you...
- I'm not usually this much fun!
- I can totally do this! (Gasps after seeing the bathroom) I can't do this.
- And where's that, Jack? The starting line? Cause I got news for you buddy, the gun already went off!
- You took yourself out of the game.
- They ring the door bell and when he answers they JUNK-punch him right up in his man-business, and while he lying there on the floor writhing in pain asking "Why?", they answer. "YOU know why.." (nods smiling at her plan)
- Like seriously, I like threw up in my own purse.
- Your friend wouldn't know a good time if it sat on his face
- You I don't like and your friend, I want to cut him
- Do you even know how to drive an automatic?
- Now that you aren't married anymore...can I get her number...(pause)..ok maybe later
- They should make a law about what a bad lawyer I am...then again I wouldn't know about it
- She is a wily temptress...and what do wily temptress do? They tempt you, in a wily temptress way...and then play you.
- Lavender. Get on my head!
- Uh...I, I don't have my glasses...
- Look! Stripper, you are kind of a disgusting skank. (To tipper)
- Did you just make a plan to make a plan?
- Jack: So why are you here
- Joy: Oh you know just living it up...being crazy. What about you?
- Jack: Oh I'm here on business...I'm very important in my field...
- Joy: Really?
- Jack: No..I just got fired.
- Joy: I just got dumped.
- Jack: Did I mention I got fired by my father?
- Joy: Did I mention that I threw my fiance a surprise birthday party and the surprise was he dumped me in front of all our closest friends while they hid in the closets?
- Jack: You win.
- Joy: (After finding out that they were booked in the same room with Jack and Hater) OK, so we both know how this is going to work. I am going to complain, and you are going to tell me there's nothing you can do about it, when we both know that is a big fat lie. So why don't you go ahead and type in those special codes that you know you are going to type in eventually, and give me two rooms that are so... nice... that it will turn my night right back around. (Smiles)
- Hotel Clerk: OK...I'm going to do just what you said because honestly...I'm a little frightened of you.
- Jack: Jack Fuller. (Introducing himself to Joy's boss)
- Richard: Richard Banger.
- Jack: Richard Banger?...Dick Banger? You my friend have just supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend...(slight pause)
- Richard: Well you must be Jack ...Off...ha ha give it to me baby!!
- Dr. Twitchell: Jack what happened to you? (asked after seeing Jack's black eye)
- Jack: I fell...and hit my head on the door knob
- Dr. Twitchell: You fell?
- Jack: Yeah...I fall a lot these days...I'm so clumsy.
- Dr. Twitchell: Are you sure no one did this to you?
- Jack: I (glances at Joy) I'm suppose to line the hand towels up just so..and I didn't and I'm sorry. And I forgot to put the toilet seat down, and she said "Put it down or I'm going to put you down!!" And... (Joy pulls out cell phone and shows a video of Bear and Hater beating up Jack)
- Dr. Twitchell: Can we get back to therapy now?
- Jack: Yes...yes we can..
- Jack: What's the one place where you can step up and be a man?
- Hater: Community College?
- Get Lucky.
- It's a battle of the sexes and they're playing dirty.
- Ashton Kutcher - Jack Fuller, Jr.
- Cameron Diaz - Joy MacNally
- Rob Corddry - Jeffrey "Hater" Lewis
- Lake Bell - Toni "Tipper" Saxson
- Dennis Farina - Richard "Dick" Banger
- Dennis Miller - Judge Whopper
- Krysten Ritter - Kelly
- Jason Sudeikis - Mason
- Michelle Krusiec - Chong
- Queen Latifah - Dr. Twitchell
- Zach Galifianakis - Dave
- Treat Williams - Jack Fuller, Sr.
- Deirdre O'Connell - Mrs. Fuller