Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (Season 1)

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(opening lines)
(camera zooms across audience)
Chief: All these people want to know: Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Funding Spiels

[edit]
Opening
[edit]
Chief: Today's caper is presented by WQED Pittsburgh, and WGBH Boston. Carmen's gang is bankrolled by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by Viewers Like You.
Another announcer: And by Delta Airlines. Because at Delta, We love to fly and it shows.
Closing
[edit]
Chief: This program was bankrolled by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and by Viewers Like You. [Corporate bucks provided by Toyota. (and Holiday Inn. and later, Delta Airlines)] - Note: The speech in brackets was used on some episodes from season one.

Carmen's Final Location Information by Crooks

[edit]
  • Vic: I'm gonna need some company in the slammer, so here's the scoop on Carmen. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).
  • Contessa: Honor among thieves? Surely you jest! If I'm going to prison, I'm taking Carmen with me. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).
  • Grunge: It's a dirty trick me bein' in da joint and Carmen on the loose. (coughs) Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia). (sneezes)
  • Eartha: Hey, Gumshoe! Carmen double-crossed me, so I'm gonna get even! Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).
  • Robo: The probabilities of your capture of Carmen will be accelerated if I supply you with pertinent information. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).
  • Patty: I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but it isn't fair that I'm in jail and Carmen's not. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).
  • Double Trouble: We’ll party a lot hardier in the slammer if we know Carmen’s on her way. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

The Taking of the Shrew [Premiere]

[edit]

[Vic the Slick steals the Mona Lisa]

Chief: Detectives, ACME Art-Net has tracked Vic the Slick to the place where Leonardo painted Lisa. Vic was spotted pinching a pinkie ring at the Ponte Vecchio, where they've been making jewelry since 1593. Now this city is often called "The Birthplace of the Renaissance", and the artists Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo did some of their greatest works here. Their recent decision to become ninja turtles has initially been controversial, but is now regarded as just another example of their genius.
Greg: (picks up the phone) ACME Crime Net.
Mona Lisa: ACME Crime Net? It's Lisa. (furiously) WHEN a-you are gone, a-rescue me!! If this jerk drags me through the Van Gogh Museum one more time, I'm gonna throw him in the Amstel River! Everything's written in Dutch. Get me out of here right now!!!
Greg: We're on the case, ma'am! Thanks so much for calling. Been a pleasure. Bye. (hangs up the phone) I love it when she calls.
(knock at door)
Greg: Yeah, come in.
(Scott, the Dying Informant, screams as he gets thrown inside, but in the wrong position, so he moves properly to the drawn outline of a dead body)
Greg: I think we have a serious problem here. What's the matter, dude? Hey, come on. What's the matter?
Scott: (gags) I saw Vic in a Japanese-- (gags)
Greg: Come on. You can't die now. A Japanese what? A Japanese what? Come on!
Scott: An industrial center in western JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Greg: Come on! We need a little bit more. Just a little bit more! Come on.
Scott: The city's famous for Bunraku... Japanese Puppet Theater! (gags)
Greg: Is that it? That's all ya had to say to me? Is that it?! Haven't ya got anymore?! (loudly) ANSWER ME!!!!
Scott: (screams, then calmly:) It's just south of... Kyoto! (he gets up, spins around, does splits, and collapses again)
Greg: Scott, the Dying Informant! (applause; Scott picks up his hat) One more time! Bravo! How wonderful! (Scott heads back to the alley)
Vic: Hey, boss lady, I gotta stash Lisa someplace. She's gettin' on my nerves.
Carmen: Take her to a souk in Morocco.
Vic: Souk? What's a souk?
Carmen: It's an outdoor market where you can find everything from snake charmers to pastries filled with pigeon meat. Vic, you'll love the souk. You can argue over the price of everything.
Vic: Yeah? Where is this Morocco place, huh?
Carmen: It's a country in northern Africa on the Mediterranean Sea. And Vic?
Vic: Yeah?
Carmen: Lose the plaid suit.

The Case of the Cribbed Crater [1.2]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals the Ngorongro Crater]

Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Will you cut that blooming racket?!
Greg: It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Let's see what she says. Too loud for ya?
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: All that noise is about to send me 'round the bend. The Contessa went to a country that makes beautiful textiles. The Otavalos have been weavers for centuries, and their fine cloth is shipped all over the world. The country also happens to be the largest exporter on my favorite fruit. The banana. (laughs) From rainforests to the beaches, it's quite a beautiful little country. Now, go out and nab the old girl and leave me in peace.
Greg: Thanks a lot, Mrs. P. WE'LL KEEP IT QUIETER!!! Sorry. Man, she sees everything from up there.
Greg: Before the invention of the telegraph, young writers delivered the mail from Missouri to California on horseback. Were they Minutemen, the Pony Express--
Eric: (as Angel buzzes in) Pony Express. Oh.
Greg: Excuse me, you hafta-- You hafta buzz in. Angel buzzed-- Buzzed in. Go ahead, Angel.
Angel: Pony Express.
Greg: Pony Express is right. You're right. Eric,-- (laughs) Good answer though, Eric. It was right there.
(the monitor shows the ACME technical difficulties sign)
Chief: Uh, Greg?
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: Greg, in my office now.
Greg: (knocks on the monitor) Chief, I'm not quite gettin' you here.
Chief: Uh, Greg, just come in my office.
Greg: Okay, I'll be right there. You guys hang tight here. I'll be right back. I don't know what she's talkin' about. My mentor calls. (enters the office) What's up, Chief?
Chief: (headless) Oh, Greg, my head fell off and I think it rolled under the desk.
Greg: I'm sorry. One more time?
Chief: Greg, get with the program! I said my head fell off, it rolled under the desk! Would you please get it for me?!
Greg: (searches under the desk) Oh, Chief, how did this happen?
Chief: Well, I was, oh-- I was worried about the investigation you know and it just overheated and then it popped off!
Greg: Hey, you got a lotta neat stuff here. Check it out. Bicentennial quarter.
Chief: (snatches the quarter) Oh, Greg, the head!
Greg: All right. Oh, here it is right here. Okay. Got it.
Chief: Oh, good. Oh.
Greg: Oh. (strains) All right. Let's just put it right on top there.
Chief: Oh.
Greg: And just kinda give a little twist! (grunts) Better?
Chief: Oh, yeah.
Greg: Okay, Chief, how are we gonna keep this from happening again?
Chief: Oh, well, you can capture Carmen Sandiego! I'll give a free trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe that does. (applause) (Greg taps on her head) Oh, Greg, go away.
Greg: Yes. Okay. Sorry. (exits the office)
Chief: Acts like he never saw a head pop off before!
(Greg returns to the gumshoes and tries to pull on his head to see if it pops off, but it does not)
Greg: I'm okay.
Contessa: Get me out of this town! These Americans are so uncultured!
Carmen: Relax. I'm sending you to a country that's so cultured, their president is a writer.
Contessa: Oh, tell me more.
Carmen: His name is Václav Havel. The old government jailed him for his beliefs, but now he's in charge of the new one.
Contessa: I'm intrigued. Where will I be going?
Carmen: To a city below the Carpathian Mountains on the Danube River.
Contessa: (gasps) Oh, the Danube. I hear a Waltz already.
Carmen: Lay low or you'll hear sirens.

It's the Pits [1.3]

[edit]

[Grunge steals the La Brea Tar Pits]

Chief: Greg?
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: Greg, in my office. It's this fax.
Greg: Oh. Just a second. I gotta go help her. I'll be right back. (to the audience, quietly) She needs me. (enters the office, where the fax is on the fritz) What's the matter?
Chief: You see? I can't get it to work. It's--
Greg: (smacks the machine, and the note comes out of it) Gotta smack it in the right place.
Chief: All right. Read it to me.
Greg: Uh, well, you know, it just-- It just kinda says what it says.
Chief: Well, it's gotta be something. Read it!
Greg: Okay. (reads note) "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your Glum-Shoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to ACME Slime Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego", and then, it-- It goes on from there.
Chief: Goes on.
Greg: Yeah.
Chief: What else does it say?
Greg: Uh, it says (reads the last part of the note) "P.S.: Nanny-nanny... Poo-poo."
Chief: "Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?!
Greg: Yeah. I'm sorry, (points to the note) it's right there. It's right there.
Chief: "Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?
Greg: Yeah.
Chief: (laughs) That does it! Detectives-- (looks at Greg, who looks at her)
Greg: Yeah. Sorry.
Chief: The Gumshoe who puts Carmen Sandiego behind bars will get a free trip anywhere in the lower 48 states! (applause) I've had it. (sarcastically) "Nanny-nanny poo-poo".
Greg: You know, Chief, I tell ya, I would never think of you as a chump. I mean you may have some chumpish qualities from time to time, but basically--
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Chump. Uh, check! (exits the office)

The Big Ness Mess [1.4]

[edit]

[Eartha Brute steals the Loch Ness Monster]

Carmen: Eartha, those ACME agents are hot on your trail. You have to move fast.
Eartha: Oh, great! I'm hauling around a 5-ton sea monster and you expect fast.
Carmen: Calm yourself, Eartha. I have it all planned. Head for a landlocked country in South America. A henchman will meet you on its border with Peru. You can hide Nessy from ACME in one of the world's highest lakes. It's called Titicaca.
Eartha: Titi-what?
Carmen: Lake Titicaca. Now, go.

Seizing the Sea [1.5]

[edit]

[Vic the Slick steals the Dead Sea]

Greg: For our next clue, we need to go to, uh-- You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly where we go. I forgot what are next clue is. I'm sorry. Uh, Chief? Chief? I'm sorry. I forgot what the next clue was. If you could tell me, then we could-- we could get started.
Chief: Well, you got me, Greg. I don't know.
Greg: You don't know?
Chief: No.
Greg: Oh, great. Uh, well, then, I'll just go up to ACME Control Net. I'll find out. I'll give you the clue. I'll come back. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know how this happens. I'm very frustrated about this. Excuse me, guys. I'm sorry. I'm tryin' to get a job done here if you don't-- Pardon me. Excuse me. I just-- You know, if you want a job done right, the ol' Gregger. (enters ACME Control Net) Hey, guys. How you doin'? Hi. Hey, Dana, you got any clues?
Dana: Greg, you're not supposed to be in here. You're supposed to be in the office. Go.
Greg: We need more clues though.
Dana: All right, tell the Gumshoes to go to the Pompidou Center who was a Moulin Rouge. All right, now, again, we got a show to do.
Greg: All right.
Dana: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's one more thing. Take these Francs. You'll need those. Okay? Now, scoot. Come on. Let's go.
Greg: Okay. You know, it is really cool back here. I've never been in here before. What is that thing right over there?
Dana: That's the Gumsholator, Greg.
Greg: Cool. Cool. What's this thing right here?
Dana: Don't touch that! (Greg pushes a button which causes static and a technical difficulty)
Greg: Hi. Sorry. They had a little technical difficulty, but we're back and everything is okay!

The Gateway Getaway [1.6]

[edit]

[RoboCrook steals St. Louis' Gateway Arch.]

(the monitor shows "Presence Requested At Once")
Chief: Greg?
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: In my office right away.
Greg: Okay. Uh, I'll be right there. You guys stick here. Lemme find out what she wants. (laughs) My mentor calls. (enters the office where the Chief has grown two faces)
Chief: Oh, Greg, the investigation is starting to worry me. Now, Carmen Sandiego is--
Greg: Chief.
Chief: Don't interrupt. Carmen Sandiego is being extra tricky.
Greg: Chief.
Chief: Now, if-- All right, what is it?
Greg: Chief, it's your face. Uh, there's one more than usual.
Chief: Well, I was getting to that.
Greg: Okay. All right.
Chief: Now, if we're gonna crack this case, we'll need as many pairs of eyes as possible. So, I've grown an extra face and I suggest you do the same.
Greg: That seems a little extreme to me, Chief. Uh, there's gotta be a better way. Uh, I know, we could offer the gumshoes a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 states. That'll get 'em to catch Carmen Sandiego. (applause)
Chief: Oh, well, say, well, that should do it. Well, I guess I don't need this anymore then.
Greg: I don't think so.
Chief: (pushes her two faces back together as one) Oh.
Greg: Okay. Good move, Chief. I tell ya, (laughs) that two face thing was freaky. I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was weird. I mean, they were nice faces and don't look at me wrong. But that is distracting--
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. Okay. (exits the office)
Robo: I'm running out of ideas.
Carmen: Have you ever had one? Set your course for a British crown colony in the Windward Islands.
Robo: Why there?
Carmen: You can hide your arch in the mountains, but watch out. They're volcanic. There're steaming vents and pools of boiling water I wouldn't want you to rust.
Robo: You're so thoughtful, Carmen.
Carmen: If I didn't watch out for you, who would?
Greg: (after Ali finds the Loot, the Warrant, and Robo in the right order on the very first try) Man alive! I've never seen that done before! That is amazing!

Ripping Off the Rock [1.7]

[edit]

[Eartha Brute steals the Rock of Gibraltar]

Greg: Now, Eartha has been very busy. She left Germany, went over to Denmark, crossed the water, went to Sweden, cut back to Wales, then up to Ireland, then she jumped into the water, swam away, and we lost her. Sorry.

The Case of the False False Teeth [1.8]

[edit]

[Patty Larceny steals the replica of George Washington's fake dentures]

Patty: Carmen, these teeth are grossing me out! Why didn't you give this job to Top Grunge?
Carmen: Quit your whining, Patty. You have to move fast. Head for Africa's second largest country. It's on the Mediterranean coast.
Patty: But I don't even know anyone in Africa!
Carmen: I have a close friend who'll meet you. She'll be wearing a veil.
Patty: A veil? Is that what all the women wear?
Carmen: Only the strict Muslims. They believe it's improper to be in public unless they cover their lower face. Now stop with the questions. You just have to go.
Voice: Greg! Greg, who's that?
Greg: Right here? This is... This is Scott. We had a little... We had a little problem. We normally have a service that comes in and...
Voice: I see. Wanna see something special?
Greg: Yeah. Yeah.
Voice: Watch this.
Greg: Okay.
Voice: Yo! Yo! Scott! Rise.
Scott: (gets back on his feet, alive) Whoo! I feel great!
Greg: Ladies and gentlemen, Scott, the Dying Informant, is alive!
(the audience cheers and applauds as Scott returns to the alley)

The Lincoln Conspiracy [1.9]

[edit]

[Robocrook steals Lincoln Center]

Greg: Now, Gregg, you have some interesting career plans. Tell us about you career plans.
Gregg: Yeah, I like to be either a Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. (applause)
Greg: Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. Now, wait. Come right up here. 'Cause they just don't want you to talk into the microphone quite that closely. It's on. It's workin' fine. Okay. So, you wanna be a Stand-up comedian. Tell me. What kinda jokes do you do?
Gregg: Well, um, I make phony phone calls to 1-800 numbers, um--
Greg: Yeah.
Gregg: I make-- I make funny surveys and go to random people who I don't know, and um, I tell 'em knock knock jokes.
Greg: You tell 'em knock knock jokes. You can tell he's a comedian by the way he's workin' that microphone, you guys. Yeah, you can just stand right up there, Gregg. It's cool. Just stand right there. That's cool the way it is. You tell knock knock jokes.
Gregg: Yeah.
Greg: Would you guys like to hear a knock knock joke by any chance?
Audience: Yeah!
Greg: Okay, Gregory, lay one on us. Let's hear it.
Gregg: Knock knock. (Greg laughs)
Audience: Who's there?
Gregg: Humpty.
Audience: Humpty who?
Gregg: They call me Humpty, with... I say it with an "-umpty"! I really am kinda funky!
Greg: Gregg, ladies and gentlemen! Come on! Come on. Tough, tough crowd.
Rockapella: Robocrook! (sings their fanfare)
(Gregg goes to the chain, when the confetti is ready to fall, but steps back to his podium when he sees it falling)
Greg: Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah, get in there. (laughs) Come on over here, Gregg. (Gregg walks to the chain) Be sure you get plenty of that on you, dude.

The Canal Caper [1.10]

[edit]

[Grunge steals the Panama Canal]

Greg: (upside down) Dana. Dana, wanna turn me around? I'm gonna lose the change in my pockets. Dana? (Right-side up) Thank you so much. Thank you.
Chief: Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there on the loose. She's been there for a while, and, well, the natural order of things has gone haywire!
Carmen: Grunge, those ACME agents have sniffed you out. Go to an African country with residents who might tolerate your smell.
Grunge: Thanks, Carmen. (sniffs) I just love to meet new people.
Carmen: Who said anything about people? I meant the famous mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey. They were in that movie Gorillas in the Mist.
Grunge: Geez, Carmen. You expect me to live with animals?
Carmen: Maybe not. They're still thinking it over. Meet them at their home in the National Park of Volcanoes.
Grunge: Those gorillas are famous, huh? Maybe I'll brush my teeth for the occasion. (sneezes)
Greg: Let me tell you something. This is a particularly tough case and when I get a tough case like this I always go to this woman right over here. Agnes Acme. She's the founder of ACME Crimenet. She's also the great-grandmother of the Chief. I often wonder what she'd do.
Moosey: Huh-huh-huh! My goodness, this is exciting! Imagine me, a television detective! Huh-huh! Hey, Bullwinkle, who's famous now?
Rockapella (singing): Wacky waterway!
Agnes: This is Agnes Acme (the words "aka Lynne Thigpen" is shown) speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, if villains make you feel remorseful, call on us. We're kind... yet forceful.
Chief: Remember the ACME motto: ACME agents will be there, catching crooks with special flair.

The Great Wall Haul [1.11]

[edit]

[Eartha Brute makes off with the Great Wall of China]

Greg: Now, I have a feeling that it's highly possible the Chief will be calling me into her office right about... (the Chief appears on the monitor)
Chief: Greg?
Greg: ...now.
Chief: Now. In my office right away.
Greg: Okay. You guys stick here. Be back in just a bit. (laughs) I wonder what she'd like to talk about. (enters the office) Yeah, Chief. What's up?
Chief: Uh, Greg?
Greg: Yeah.
Chief: You and the gumshoes have been halfway around the world and you...
Greg and the Chief: ...still haven't found Carmen Sandiego.
Greg: Yeah, I know.
Chief: Right.
Greg: Yeah, I know that.
Chief: Well, now, you better get...
Greg and the Chief: ...your acts together. Otherwise, we're never gonna find her.
Greg: Yeah. I know that. (laughs)
Chief: Right.
Greg: Uh-huh.
Chief: Uh, you did you know...
Greg and the Chief: ...what you were gonna say?
Greg: Well, Chief, I need to tell you something. You're becoming just a little bit predictable.
Greg and the Chief: Predictable? (both laugh) Ridiculous. I've never felt more unpredictable in my life. What makes you think... you're saying everything I say? Stop that! Don't do that! Peanut Butter. Octopus.
Greg: See? I can tell. Everytime. You're very predictable. I can tell.
Chief: Well, all right, all right. Maybe I am just a little bit. All right? But that still doesn't change the fact that we still haven't...
Greg and the Chief: ...found Carmen Sandiego.
Chief: I'll offer a free trip anywhere...
Greg and the Chief: ...in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe who finds her. (applause)
Greg: See? See? See what I'm sayin'? Listen, Chief. You know, I don't mean any offense when I say you're predictable, because a lot of people are a little predictable. I mean, there's really nothing wrong.
Greg and the Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes. Okay. (exits the office)
Carmen: Eartha, I'm sending you to a place where they could use your Great Wall. Almost half the country is below sea level. Try to make a deal with the government.
Eartha: So, I should go to the capitol?
Carmen: No, Amsterdam is the capital, but the seat of the government is a different city.
Eartha: What? I'm confused.
Carmen: So, what's new? Move your brawny behind.

The Case of the Burgled Bugatti [1.12]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals a 1931 Bugatti Royale.]

Greg: Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?
Kelly: Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".
Greg: No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.
Kelly: No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.
Greg: (on phone) Hello? Carpet delivery? No, we do not-- We don’t have any carpet deliveries...
(a rolled carpet comes down before him)
Greg: Yeah, it just got here. Yeah. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks.
Greg: Wait a second. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the…
Kelly, Garsy, and Aziz: Lightning round.
Greg: All right, this was for, uh, Crab Alfredo, and pizza. Now we’re talking about detective stuff, but it was kind of a social thing too.
Carmen: I hope you're keeping a low profile, Contessa.
Contessa: Of course. I'm in the south of France, at the film festival. Everyone is here. Don and Melanie. Kurt and Goldie. Bruce and Demi. I drove down the Mediterranean coast with Dustin just this morning.
Carmen: You drove the stolen Bugatti?
Contessa: Of course not!
Carmen: Good.
Contessa: I let Dustin drive it! He just loves classics.
Carmen: Why me?!
Scott: I lost her… in the junk fleet… of Aberdeen Harbor! Oh, baby! (passes out)
Greg: Scott, you're really startin' to bug me! (to Kelly and Aziz) Now it's time for you to go to Hong Kong and where you're gonna try to find the Contessa. All right? I want you to know, though, we don't send our agents out into the field unprepared. Right, Scott? (Scott just groans.) Okay.
Chief: Now that's Kowloon in the background. It's on the mainland of China but it is still part of Hong Kong.
Chief: I had a bird once. It was a parrot, named Seymour. Oh, what a character! He could mimic everything about me. My speech, heh, my little nervous laugh, the way I tilted my head when I was self-conscious, and when…Eventually I couldn’t take the mockery anymore so I had to get rid of him. So, gumshoes, the Contessa and the Bugatti are in Hong Kong. Get going. I got a little writing to do.
Chief: This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember: Some like music; some like books; but ACME’s folks like busting crooks!

The Square Scam [1.13]

[edit]

[Double Trouble steal Red Square.]

Greg: Okay, guys. It looks like the Double Trouble twins have now just... They've left the country. They boogied completely outta the picture.
Voice: Says who?!
(his hand has fake plastic fingers)
Greg: Oh, it's you. Uh... Wait a minute. Wait a second!
(he grabs a chair, stands on it, and snatches the plastic fingers off the Voice's hand)
Greg: What are these fake plastic fingers ya have on here?!
Voice: Hey! Hey! What are you...?! Stop that! How... How come... How come you get to have all the fun? How come I don't ever get to have any of the fun?!
Greg: Hey, hey. Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!! HEY!!! Listen. We're in the middle of a criminal investigation here. Now, STOP IT!!
Voice: Oh. Okay. I'm sorry, Greg.
Chief: Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there loose, for a while, she's been there, and, well, things have started to go haywire!
Carmen: Ready for another party, boys?
Double Trouble: Geez, we’re always ready, Carmen.
Carmen: Good. I want you to head down the peninsula from Tijuana to Ensenada.
Double Trouble: Well, what’s the occasion?
Carmen: The start of a famous international off-road race. Hundreds of drivers race all kinds of vehicles across the desert.
Double Trouble: We’re rollin’!
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Would you stop that infernal R-R-R-R-R-RACKET?!!
Greg: My upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger's window) Hey, Mrs. P.!
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You're noisier than those party fellows! I could hear they're going one halfway across the country last night. They were in Shreveport, at the Holiday-In-Dixie Festival, eating crawfish gumbo. Now, go catch those hooligans, and leave me in peace! (shuts her window)
Greg: Thanks a lot. Thank you!
Chief: This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, we solve cases, we deliver; ACME sends crooks up the river!

The Case of the Purloined Pen [1.14]

[edit]

[Vic the Slick steals Alcatraz]

Greg: Now, unfortunately, we completely lost Vic the Slick. I don't know whether he went down at sea, there was a storm at sea, if Alcatraz is now under the Atlantic, I'm just really not...
Voice: None of the above! Greg!
Greg: Yeah?
Voice: My office. Now.
Greg: (walks up closer to the Voice) Yeah?
(the Voice slaps his face various times, ala the Three Stooges)
Greg: Come on! Why'd ya do that?!
Voice: Because I can.
Greg: Oh, yeah.
Voice: Now, listen. He went to the only territory in North or South America that's still controlled by a European country. He might just be on Devil's Island, the famous ex-prison colony there.
Greg: Okay. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
Voice: Don't mention it. And, Greg?
Greg: Yes?
Voice: Go away.
Greg: Yes. Okay. Sorry.
(he returns to his position)
Greg: I don't know who that guy is. But how does he know all that stuff?
Chief: Greg, Lemke just called. He says we're in violation of Crime Net regulation 336-2: The Hand-Puppet Clause. They were on PBS. Kids are watching, and we are required to use a hand puppet.
Greg: Okay. No problem. No problem. Got it handled.
(he exposes his right hand, which has become his hand puppet, Handy Hancock)
Greg: Hi, Handy. Got a clue for us?
Handy: I certainly do. Thank you, Gregory. Vic the Slick went to a city where they speak slang called Lunfardo. It's a combination of Spanish and Italian. The country recently changed its currency from the Peso to the Austral.
Greg: Really? What's Vic doing there?
Handy: He tried to sell the prison as a floating hotel, complete with tango dancers, (the Chief notices that Greg is moving his mouth with Handy's every word) and all sorts of other things that... Uh...
Chief: Well, that was interesting, Greg.
Handy: Thank you very much. Thank you.
Greg: Ladies and gentlemen, Handy Hancock!
(applause)
Handy: (takes a bow) Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!
Greg: Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Buenos Aires to try to find Vic the Slick. But I want you to know, what you gotta do is go out there, find 'em, and bring 'em back. But we don't send our agents out into the field. Right?
Handy: Right! Chief, how 'bout a briefing?

The Great Liberty Lift [1.15]

[edit]

[Patty Larceny steals the Liberty Bell]

Carmen: Pack up the bell and hop a plane to King Khalid Airport, the biggest airport in the world.
Patty: I know where that is! Will I have to wear one of those long, black cloaks?
Carmen: You mean an abaya! No. But wear a longer skirt, out of respect for their customs.
Patty: And I can't drive, right? Women aren't allowed to drive.
Carmen: You're so smart, dear. Wait a minute! Since when have you been driving?!
Patty: Since I stole a learner's permit!
Rockapella: (sings when the Liberty Bell is revealed in the 2nd round) The Liberty Bell!

The SAT Score Scam [1.16]

[edit]

[Patty Larceny steals the SAT scores from Princeton, New Jersey]

Patty: Carmen, help! Where should I go next?
Carmen: Head for the Nagoya or the Kanazawa. Some of the high school kids are going through what they call examination hell.
Patty: Eww! Sounds yucky! What is it?
Carmen: They take a series a difficult tests to get into top universities. Many of them spend lots of yen per year on special test-cramming schools after their regular school day ends.
Patty: Wow! No fun! But couldn't they call it examination heck?
Carmen: Just get going!
Rockapella: Number 2 pencil!

Torch Song [1.17]

[edit]

[Eartha Brute steals the Statue of Liberty's torch]

Greg: Uh-oh. I think we're-- Think we're getting some cosmic interference here. (tunes up the monitor) Lemme see. It must be our, uh-- Our spirit gumshoe, Crystal.
Crystal: What's up, Gumshoes? I'm flying first class on the Astral plane. I'm getting vile visions from the brain of the brute. I see 19,000,000 people in one big city. Spanish people. Indian. Mestizos. It used to be the center of the Aztec Empire. Wow! This must be what Eartha's looking for. Azteca Stadium! Oops! My signal's fading. Hasta luego!
Greg: See ya, Crystal. Thanks a lot.
Eartha: I still can't find a stadium big enough to hold my games.
Carmen: Take the torch to one of my favorite capitals in eastern Europe, home to great writers like Kafka. Great composers like Dvořák. Great--
Eartha: Uh, Carmen, what about my games?
Carmen: Ah, yes. Your games. Well, the world's largest open stadium is located there. And while you're at it, try to hire Martina Navratilova. She was born in this city.
Eartha: Who's she?
Carmen: The tennis champion. One of the biggest money winners in women's sports. Don't you read the paper?
Eartha: Only the comics.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I've had enough of this!
Greg: Must be our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Punpkinclanger. Hi, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: That bruiser has gone to the Highland games on the Isle of Skye. She's tossing about a 15 foot tree trunk called a caber. Now, cease your incessant meandering and go apprehend her.
Greg: Thanks. Thanks. Great hair. Love your hair.
Ice: Davs.
Gemini: Good day.
Ice: That means "hi".
Gemini: And "good day".
Ice: ...In the country where you wanna go.
Gemini: It's made up of over 400 islands in the North and Baltic Seas.
Ice: It's capital is Copenhagen.
Gemini: I hope you get there on Queen Margrethe's Birthday. When that happens, there's...
Both: No school! All right!
(they hi-5)

The Hammering Hank Heist [1.18]

[edit]

[Vic the Slick steals Hank Aaron's baseball bat]

Chief: Now, Gumshoes, I like baseball. (Merengue music is heard) But when I visit this country, it's for the famous Merengue Festival in Santo Domingo.
(she dances the Merengue)
Chief: Y'know, once I hear those ol' rhythms, your Chief becomes... just a non-stop Merengue machine!
(the audience laughs)
Greg: Uh, thanks, Chief. (to the audience) Let's hear it for the Chief!
(applause)
Greg: I didn't know you can move like that! She can move! She can really... move it out!
Carmen: Vic, those ACME agents have found you. Head to a nation in the Pacific whose name means south.
Vic: Hey, Carmen, I'm headin' for the South Pacific?
Carmen: Brilliant deduction, Vic. It's one of the few countries on earth that's never been ruled by a foreign power. Now, get moving.
Vic: Oh, but Carmen, I'm waitin' for some new plaid suits to come back from the tailor!
Carmen: Forget the suits, Vic. The traditional dress here is the ta'ovala. It's a woven mat skirt worn by women and men.
Vic: Geez, Carmen, a skirt?! This could ruin my reputation as a snappy dresser! Well, I'm on my way.
Rockapella: (each time the bat is revealed)
Hank's hammer! (sung twice)
Hank's homer hammer!
Oh Henry!
Louisville slugger!
Fourth bagger!

Big Ben Bagged [1.19]

[edit]

[Grunge steals Big Ben]

Greg: We just have found out that an ACME Celeb-Net agent has an update for us on his next whereabouts. Kathie Lee?
Kathie Lee Gifford: I can't believe it. That creep has turned up in my favorite place. The city where I was born! Imagine. He's probably sliming down the Champs Élysées right now. Or stinking up the Louvre Museum. He might even be sneezing all over someone's cocoa ban-eseems. Yecch. Cops will never be the same. (Says something in French)
Greg: Thanks, Kathie.
Grunge: Carmen, I think those Gumshoes are on to me. Especially that detective in the middle.
Carmen: You're sounding much better, Top. Listen. Get on your chopper and head for the Pan American Highway. Ride it all the way down to the end.
Grunge: Yeah, like what's the Pan American Highway?
Carmen: It's a highway that goes all the way from Canada to the capital of Chile. That's where you're going, Grunge. (Grunge sneezes) Bless you. Now, get going!

Diamonds Are a Crook's Best Friend [1.20]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals a year's production of diamonds from South Africa.]

Chief: The Contessa made tracks with nearly a 10th of the world’s diamond output. Now, that's a lot of pebbles!
Chief: I have memories of sitting in a Konditorei, that's a pastry shop, and listening to Strauss music and waltz and digging into a delicious chocolate cake called a Sachertorte. Greg?
Greg: Chief, that was, uh, that was very touching. Thank you very much.
Greg: All right, now, I want you guys to know this is a pretty tough case. So, you're gonna have to really keep everything on, keep your timing--
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Will you stop this incessant whining about a tough case?!
Greg: Oh, no. That can be only one person. That's our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.
(he enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You call yourselves detectives, don't you?! You'd best be off to the third largest port in Europe! It's in the Dutch speaking half of a bilingual country, and it's an international center for cutting and trading diamonds. NOW! Get on with it before I call the authorities!
(she shuts her window)
Greg: Yes, ma'am. Okay. Don't you just love your neighbors?
(Greg enters the Chief's office, where the Chief packs her suitcase)
Greg: Chief, what are you doin'?!
Chief: Ah! (shakes Greg's hand) Greg, it's been nice working with you.
Greg: Wha-What?! What is this?
Chief: Well, I think it's time for me to move on. I've been doing this a long time. I think it's time for me to get out there, get some fresh air, and see new sights.
Greg: See what?! What are you talking about?!
Chief: Well, I thought I'd do some yam-farming.
(Greg, dismayed, mouths "Yam-farming?!")
Chief: No, no, I have a cousin. Essie. She's got some land out in the country. I thought I'd travel around and see the land.
Greg: Chief, Chief, you don't know anything about yam-farming. You know nothing about that. And besides, what would the Gumshoes do without you? We need you here! Right, guys?!
Gumshoes and Audience: YEAH!!!
Greg: See? Huh? Huh?
Chief: Well, if you put it that way, I'll stay.
Greg: Okay. All right, then. Let's get this stuff unpacked.
Chief: All right. Oh, but wait, wait, wait. I bought those tickets. I have-- I have a ticket for anywhere in the lower 48 states. What am I gonna do with it?
Greg: Okay, wait. I got an idea. We'll give the Gumshoe who catches Carmen Sandiego those tickets. Huh?
Chief: (while the crowd applauds) Now, that's a good idea.
Greg: Let's get this stuff outta here. (attempts to help unpack) Let me-- Just let me help you.
Chief: No.
Greg: This is wonderful that your stayin'. And you're such an intregal part of...
Chief: No. Greg. Greg. Greg! Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. I'll keep that...
Chief: No, no.
Greg: Yes. All right. (exits the office) I'm so glad she's staying.
Contessa: Madre mia! Carmen, you're a gem.
Carmen: And you're a brick. Now get going!
Greg: Now, we've sent agents to Herkimer to try to track...
Voice: Don't waste your time! (about the Contessa) She's already gone. You've bundled it again! Go to a state full of glaciers instead.
Greg: Wait a minute. Glaciers?
Voice: Yes! Glaciers! More glaciers than anywhere else in the US. The Inuits do a lot of ice-fishing there.
Greg: Wait a minute. The Inuits , who are they?
Voice: Don't you know anything?! They are native people of this region.
Greg: Well, why did Contessa go there?
Voice: What is this?! A quiz?! It's a leading producer of platinum. Now, catch her! Or I'll raid locusts upon you.
Greg: Ooh! Locusts. Okay. Will do.
Chief: (on phone to Lemke) Say hello to Mrs. Lemke for me.
Shelley: Nobody loves me for my sense of humor or my dashing profile.
Chief: The film center. Now, you know, I had a cousin named Winslow, who was into film. He was a cameraman, and... Well, he was sort of a show-off.
(the camera zooms back and forth while the Chief keeps talking)
Chief: He was always doing trick shots when nobody asked him to, and got him into trouble. And, uh, things the director never asked him to do. So, uh, finally, nobody would hire him, so he just disappeared, and I've often wondered where...
(she suddenly looks at the camera that zooms in on her)
Chief: ...He went. Winslow? Is that you?
(the camera nods)
Chief: Where have you been, Win?! You know, you... Oh! I'm sorry. Uh, Gumshoes, Manila! Go there! The Contessa and the diamonds are there. Get going! Winslow! We've been looking all over for you. You know that?

The Fall Collection Caper [1.22]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals Paris' entire Fall Fashion Collection.]

Contessa: Carmen, darling I have two problems. First of all the gumshoes are on to me, second of all I'm freezing!
Carmen: Take the tods to a British Island in the West Indies. The Dejan people are lovely hosts. You can hide out in the Garrison, where George Washington slept - the only time he ever left America.
Contessa: Oooh, just my style! Ciao bella!
Carmen: I'm not your 'bella', I'm your boss.
Greg: Now, it would not be PBS if we do not take time for something right now that's very special. And that is...
(he exposes, to everyone's surprise, Handy Hancock, his hand puppet)
Greg: ...Puppets! Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet! Please welcome him.
(applause)
Chief: It's Handy! Hi, Handy.
Handy: Hello! It's nice to see you. How are you?
Chief: Oh, it's good to see you, too. You're so cute.
Handy: It's good to be here.
Greg: Excuse me. Excuse me, you 2? We could kinda use a clue right here, if you don't mind.
Handy: Oh, very sorry. Okay, here we go. (clears throat) Well, it's way up north in North America, but it's warmed by the Japan current. She had a cab take her around the city. It was completely wrecked by an earthquake in 1964, and they rebuilt the place!
Chief: Oh, you are just the cutest thing.
Handy: Well, thank you very much. Thank you.
Chief: (laughs) You're welcome.
Greg: Uh, Chief? Chief, you know this is just my hand. Right? I have red stuff here...
Chief: Oh, Greg! Oh, you are such a kidder! Handy, he's such a kidder.
Greg: It's not real. (to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet!
(applause)
Greg: Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Anchorage.
Handy: Anchorage.
Greg: And you're gonna look for the Contessa and the Fall Fashion. You hafta go there, find 'em, bring 'em back. But I want ya to know, we do not send our agents out into the field. Alone. Right?
Handy: Right. Chief, how 'bout a briefing?
Rockapella: (each time the Paris Fall Fashion Collection is revealed (all are spoken instead of sung))
Très chic! (Spoken twice)
Nice clothes!
Fancy threads!
Cool duds!
The Fall Collection!
Gucci!

Minnehaha: The Filching of the Falls [1.23]

[edit]

[Double Trouble steal the waterfall Minnehaha.]

Double Trouble: Hey, Carmen, we're in trouble.
Carmen: So, what else is new? Fly to Santiago, then take the falls north to the driest place on earth.
Double Trouble: Where's that?
Carmen: Just west of the Andes in the Atacama Desert. There are parts that haven't had rain in 400 years.
Double Trouble: Ooh, that's pretty dry. Doesn't sound like much fun.
Carmen: It's more fun than jail, you twin twits. Now, move it!
George: Greetings, Gumshoes! Here's the scoop. You wanna go ta'... Siam.
Kate: It's not called Siam. Not anymore.
George: Is the capital still Bangkok?
Kate: That it is.
George: Does it still border Myanmar, Laos, and Cambodia?
Kate: You're right.
George: Yes, "Siam"!
(he laughs)
Kate: George!
Chief: Fine work, Jessica! And I've upgraded your status from Gumshoe to Sleuth!

The Radioscope Ripoff [1.24]

[edit]

[RoboCrook steals the Arecibo Radioscope from Puerto Rico.]

Greg: Okay, for our next clue then, Jessica, you may find this one particularly well. We have our next clue coming in from a person who taught M.C. Hammer everything he knows. Take it away, Nana Rap!
Nana Rap: (laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)
You got the Zoo and the Navy,
But that ain't the scene.
For astronomy heads,
It's the scope that's a dream.
When it comes to star gazin',
Almost nothing is clearer
Than Mt. Palomar's telescope's
200-inch mirror.
So, get yourself to this country
In the Golden State.
That's where Robocrook's chillin'.
There's no time to waste!
You got the Nana! Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na Nana. (laughs)
You got the Nana!
Greg: Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!
Carmen: Robo, those ACME agents have found you. Head for an Asian country that was part of French Indochina.
Robo: Please specify. This description fits more than one nation.
Carmen: Very good, Solderhead. Just testing your memory banks. Go to the city of Vientiane. You'll get there in time for Bun Bang Fai. That's the rocket festival.
Robo: Destination acknowledged, but what is the purpose of this festival?
Carmen: It's a wild celebration to kick off the rainy season, so don't forget your rust proofing. Now, get going.
(during the briefing session before the Jailtime Challenge)
Chief: Ah. Coins and fountains. You know, that reminds me of a story. Once, there was a little girl whose only wish was to grow up and be a law enforcement official. Now, if she wasn't reading detective books, she was watching detective movies. One day, the girl came across a fountain near City Hall. She closed her eyes, she took out a shiny quarter from her pocket, and she made her wish, and tossed the coin high into the air! Missed the water completely. (audience laughs) Today, she's a carpenter somewhere in Florida. Alright, gumshoes. Robocrook and the Radioscope are in Rome, Italy. Go after 'em!

The Checkmate Checkout [1.26]

[edit]

[Robocrook steals the Deep Thought chess computer]

Carmen: Robo, those ACME agents are on to you. Head for a large industrial center in Europe.
Robo: An industrial center? Thank you, Carmen. Perhaps I can make friends with the machinery.
Carmen: No social calls, Solderhead. Just hide out. It's a river valley north of Cologne.
Robo: Location acknowledged. Permission requested to seek a humanoid chess partner.
Carmen: You can try, but a traditional hobby there is pigeon racing. Thousands of people do it. There's even a special pigeon hospital in the city of Essen. Now, get moving.
Greg: Gumshoes, look, I know we're still hot on the trail of Robocrook and the computer. The thing is, though--
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Hot on the trail?! That's poppycock!
Greg: It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Be back in a minute. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey, Ms. P.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You wouldn't know a hot trail if it jumped up and burned you! Robocrook's in the republic of Azerbaijan. Such a famous resort city on the Caspian Sea. It's the birthplace of Kasparov, the world chess champion. Oh, I do love gettys endgame. (laughs) Now, go round Robo! (shuts her window)
Greg: Okay. Okay. Huh. Gee, I always thought it was me she loved.

The Forbidden City Snatch [1.27]

[edit]

[Double Trouble steal the Forbidden City]

Carmen: Those Gumshoes are on to you. Take the Forbidden City to Basse Terre. That's a city in the French West Indies.
Double Trouble: Well, gee, Carmen, we're not sure just where that is.
Carmen: It's on twin islands with one name.
Double Trouble: Just like us. Cool.
Carmen: You'll love it, guys. There're lots of resorts, and they even got a Mardi Gras festival.
Double Trouble: We're gonna party, party, party!
Carmen: Just lay low or you'll get busted, busted, busted.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Please be quiet.
Greg: It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Come on. Let's find out. Sorry, Mrs. P.!
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I'm baking a souffle. I need absolute quiet, or it will fall. Look for those nasty boys on the hills above the shores of the Ohio river. You'll find the Bengals at Riverfront Stadium. Now, I must get back to my souffle. Shh. (shuts her window)
Greg: Thanks a lot, Mrs. P.

The Case of the Missing Queen [1.28]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals the RMS Queen Mary]

Scott: (as the Dying Informant) Hey! Could I get a towel?
Greg: Oh, yeah. Could we get a towel for this fine, brave, young man, please?
(Tons of towels get thrown all over Scott)
Scott: Thank you.
Greg: You're welcome. Hey, listen, that was a nice job, by the way. Really nice.
(He helps Scott up)
Greg: Careful. Don't catch colds.
Scott: Need a towel?
Greg: Uh, no. We have plenty. Thanks.
(Scott throws his towels to him anyway)
Greg: All right. Thank you, anyway.
(He dumps the towels onto the floor)
Greg: Scott, ladies and gentlemen.
(Applause)
Chief: Greg?
Greg: Yes? Yes, Chief?
Chief: In my office pronto.
Greg: Okay. All right, I'll be right there. Doesn't seem like she's really herself. Lemme, uh, go check in her. You guys just hang tight right here. Uh, I'll be right back. (enters the office) Chief, what's the matter?
Chief: (in tears) I've begged. I've pleaded. I've cajolled. I've done everything to get this investigation moving!
Greg: But, Chief, listen, you hafta be kinda easy on 'em. I mean, they are rookies. And...
Chief: Oh, I know that. But you don't understand. See, it's my reputations on the line here. Headquarters-- They don't care about those kinda things. They just want results! (voice breaks) And if I don't find Carmen Sandiego, they're gonna take my job away. I need a Kleenex.
Greg: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Here, here, here, here. (hands the Chief a Kleenex) Here, here, here. Right here. Right here. It's okay. I'm s-- I didn't realize it was gonna get you this upset. (tries to comfort the Chief) I mean, they're just rookies, and I...
Chief: Don't touch me.
Greg: I'm sorry, but I didn't--
Chief: Stop!
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (to the Gumshoes) Listen. If you guys really care about the Chief, you've gotta pull together right now! Okay, come here. (he walks up closer to the camera) I'll make a deal with you. All right? If you find Carmen Sandiego, I'll give you a chance to go on a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 United States!
(the audience cheers and applauds)
Greg: Huh? All right.
Chief: Greg.
Greg: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: Greg, isn't that bribery?
Greg: Oh, no, we're calling it incentive.
Chief: Oh, that's all right. Uh, Greg?
Greg: (walks up to the Chief) Yeah, Chief? Yes?
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office) All right. Listen very closely. Gumshoes at home, we're trying to find the Contessa, who has taken the Queen Mary. If we do that, we'll be able to get Carmen Sandiego, and possibly a trip. I need your help. Matter of fact, I need everybody's help. Crew, are you behind me?
Production Crew: YEAH!
Greg: Rockapella, are you?
Sean, Scott, Barry, and Elliot: YEAH!!
Greg: Audience, are you behind me?!
Audience: YEAH!!!
Greg: Well, all right, then! Let's do this thing! Come on, let's do it!
Contessa: (says something in Italian) I'm so seasick!
Carmen: You don't have time to be sick now! They're on to you! Hide the ship in a bay, the one with the highest tides in the world. Up to 70 feet.
Contessa: Oh, no! Please! My stomach can't take it!
Carmen: Set your course northeast, to the inlet between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. And take a bromo.
Contessa: Next time, I take a plane!

Raceway Ripoff [1.29]

[edit]

[Grunge steals the Indianapolis Motor Speedway]

Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Zip that incessant chatter down there!
Greg: Oh, goody. It's our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (laughs as he enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I'm sick to death of your tiresome meanderings. Grunge has taken the speedway to the Amalfi Drive. A beautiful and treacherous mountain road. He's headed for a city near there. It's just west of Pompeii. The ancient Roman town that was destroyed by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. Now, go find him, and leave me in peace! (she shuts her window)
Greg: (waves goodbye) Thank you. Gosh, she's so sweet, isn't she?
Carmen: Grunger, they're on to you, but I've got a surprise. Take the speedway to some islands where there aren't any roads.
Grunge: No roads, Carmen? (coughs) Don't the people there drive?
Carmen: That's my surprise, fumeface. They're uninhabited. So, there's no one you can offend.
Grunge: No people, Carmen? Where on earth--
Carmen: I was just getting to that. These British islands are in the South Atlantic at the east end of the Scotia Sea. Just think, piston breath. You'll have that speedway to yourself.

The Case of the Reef Thief [1.31]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals Australia's Great Barrier Reef]

Greg: We have a report now from one of our agents in Italy. That's where she was last seen. Mona?
Mona Lisa: I told you. I am not in Italy anymore. And neither is the Contessa. She's at the festival commemorating Saint Marinus. It's a national holiday of the oldest republic in the world. At least that's what the citizens call it. The Contessa isn't so young either, hey. That's why she didn't get the toolfun from her summer home in Urbino.
Greg: Okay, thanks, Mona.
(Greg enters the Chief's office to find her gone)
Greg: Chief, you there? Chief? The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just sit and wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) Oh, this is nice, huh? This is what it feels like. I like this. Hey! (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo! I like this. (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg. Greg. You're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one that I can count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Lemme show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) The earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out. (audience doubles over in laughter) (the Chief walks in) That's the universe. Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, what're you doing? GRE--!
Chief: (turns off the projector) GREG!
Greg (normal voice) Oh! Ah! Hi, Chief, how are ya?
Chief: You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. And I will give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one that does.
(applause)
Greg: Chief, look, uh, I knew you realize I wasn't makin' fun of you; it was more like a tribute, sorta.
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)
Contessa: Carmen, I think they're on to me! Send me someplace really fabulous!
Carmen: Sorry, glamour-puss. Take the reef to a beach town in New Jersey.
Contessa: (gasps) Ah, the one with the casinos!
Carmen: No, it has no casinos. But it has a famous boardwalk and an old bar called The Stone Pony, where Bruce Springsteen's Band started out.
Contessa: Carmen, I want glamor! Not an old bar!
Carmen: Tough, toots. Have some cotton candy for me.
Greg: Now, for our next clue we go to ACME Rap-Net. Here's D-Nice.
D-Nice: Check it. It's called the City of Roses; there's a festival in June. And not a lot of skyscrapers; a block away the moon. It was founded by Lovejoy and Pettygrove too. And there you have it. The D-Nice clue for you.
Greg: Thanks, D.
Greg: I tell ya, on a tough case like this, I always make sure that I check with the founder of ACME Crime-Net. It's the Chief's great-grandmother, Agnes Acme. She always knows what to do.
Agnes: That's Miss Acme to you, young man. Now quit looking at me, and look for the Contessa in the province of Saskatchewan. She's in a city who's name is a Native American word for "berry". It was founded by anti-alcohol activists, and in my day they were called temperance societies. Now don't ruminate. Get to work!
Greg: Thanks, Agnes.
Greg: Okay, looks like everybody's made a decision. You know, Canada is a big place and uh, unfortunately we just lost the Contessa's trail there.
The Voice: As usual.
Greg: Why it's that mysterious voice again.
The Voice: You talk like an actor. Get over here. You'll be right at home where the Contessa is now. She's taking in a play at the Pantages Theater. The Academy Awards were held there for 11 straight years. Earlier she went boating at MacArthur Park.
Greg: Uh, well, what else do you know?
The Voice: I know everything.
Greg: Thank you so much.
The Voice: Oh, and Greg?
Greg: Yes.
The Voice: Go away.
Greg: Yes. Thank you so much.

The Great Head Heist [1.33]

[edit]

[Grunge has stolen the Easter Island Head statues]

Scott: Fjord!
Sean, Barry, and Elliot: FJORD!
Scott: Viking!
Sean, Barry, and Elliot: VIKING!
Greg: "Viking".
Scott: Scandanavia!
Sean, Barry, and Elliot: SCANDANAVIA!
Greg: "Scandanavia". Thanks, guys.

The Troubled Triangle [1.35]

[edit]

[Double Trouble steal the Bermuda Triangle]

Greg: I'm not exactly sure where Double Trouble took the Triangle.
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Now you've done it!
Greg: That's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (he looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger's window)
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You've really done it this time. You've ruined all the maps! While you're down there being indecisive, a vital spot in New York has vanished into the Triangle! It's the spot mapmakers use to measure road miles from New York City. And now, it's just a big hole! Traffic's a nightmare on Broadway! Now, get out there and do something! (she frantically closes her window)
Greg: Jonathan Swift was a writer born in Ireland. His story about a gentle giant in the land of Lilliput has become a classic. In the story-- (Frank rings in) Frank.
Frank: The Jolly Green Giant?
(BUZZER!)
Greg: I'm sorry. That's not the answer we're looking for. In the story, Jack and the Beanstalk-- Is the story Jack and the Beanstalk, Ghostbusters, or Gulliver's Travels? (Judd rings in) Judd.
Judd: Ellivle's-- Gulliver-- Gulliver's Travels.
Greg: I think we can accept that. Gulliver's Travels. Yeah. I know exactly what you're goin' through there, pal.
Carmen: Those ACME agents are closing in fast. Hop into the triangle and disappear.
Double Trouble: Geez, Carmen, we could make ACME disappear.
Carmen: A lovely thought, boys, but I've got another idea. Go to an Italian city and stash the triangle in St. Mark's Square. You will have arrived just in time for the Biennale.
Double Trouble: The Bie-what, Carmen?
Carmen: The Biennale. It's a world-famous art show that happens every 2 years. Simply everyone will be there, boys. Don't miss it.
Double Trouble: Geez, Carmen, we love those artist types; we're on our way!
Rockapella: (singing) Spooky Triangle!
Greg: Nice Job, You got Double Trouble. There's one more thing you gotta do now, and that's put 'em in jail. Pull this train-- cha-- trains...
(Judd pulls the chain, and Double Trouble ends up in jail)
Greg: This chain and do it! (Rockapella does Double Trouble's in jail tune) We normally have a train here that you pull, but we had a chain here today.

The Case of the Purloined Pipeline [1.38]

[edit]

[Grunge steals the Alaska Pipeline]

(Greg enters the Chief's office to find her gone)
Greg: Hey, Chief! Chief! The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just have to wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) This is nice. I like this. This is pretty. (examines some of her things) Cool. Look at all this stuff she has. (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo-whoo-whoo! (laughs) (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg, you're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one I could count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Let me show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) Earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out! (displays a fourth blank image) Carmen may be prowling around Pluto or hiding on Uranus. Search 'em both. Well, gumshoes, that's the universe. (the Chief walks in) Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, you're not listening to me. GRE--!
Chief: (turns off the projector) GREG!
Greg (normal voice) Oh! Hey. Sorry. Hi, Chief.
Chief: Wha-- You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. I'll give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one who gets her. (applause)
Greg: Chief, listen. Uh, I hope you don't think that I was makin' fun of you because actually it was more of a tribute.
Chief: Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)
Chief: I don't sound like that.
Carmen: Grunge, you'd better hide that oil where ACME can't find you. Head for the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula. It'll cost you a few Rials to stay in a hotel. You'll love the place. Water's an extremely short supply.
Grunge: Great. No danger of a bath.
Carmen: But you'll have to wear a shirt.
Grunge: Why?
Carmen: It's an Islamic country, Grunge. They find uncovered arms offensive.
Grunge: Gee, Carmen, I like to think that my arms are offensive anywhere.
Carmen: Why me?

Monumental Malfeasance [1.39]

[edit]

[Eartha Brute steals the Washington Monument]

Chief: Here's the lowdown on Eartha Brute. When she's not pumping iron, she's pounding heads. Your mission, Gumshoes: Loosen Eartha's grip on the monument, return it to its rightful place, and then, capture Carmen Sandiego! Greg!
Eartha: This thing's getting awful heavy.
Carmen: Quit your belly-aching. ACME's closing in on you. Take the monument to Monument Valley, and hide it behind a butte.
Eartha: But--
Carmen: Not but. Butte. It's a giant rock formation. You'll find it in a southwestern state near the Four Corners.
Eartha: But--
Carmen: Butte! Butte, you Brute!
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Quit your yakking and find that obelisk!
Greg: Oh, man. This is my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey. Hey, what's an obelisk?
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: You ninny! The Washington Monument is an obelisk. A stone monolith that tapers to a pyramid at the top. Eartha's in a country where the earliest known obelisks were erected at Abu Qir. Now, catch her and keep your nasty voices quiet! (shuts her window)
Greg: Thank you, love of my life. (blows kisses)
(phone rings and Russell attempts to answer it)
Greg: Oh, hold on a second. I-- Well-- You wanna get it?
Russell: Yes.
Greg: Okay, go ahead. (Russell pulls out the phone) Yeah, just pull it out, there. All right.
Russell: Hello? (Eartha tells Russell to go to Asia)

The Case of the Lifted Lines [1.40]

[edit]

[Grunge steals Peru's Nazca Lines]

Grunge: Carmen, those ACME agents have found me again.
Carmen: No wonder, Grunge. You smell like yesterday's garbage. Now, go to the most remote capital in Europe. It's in a valley surrounded by Pyrenees mountains.
Grunge: Gee, Carmen, you're always sendin' me to remote places. (coughs) How will I get there?
Carmen: A henchman who speaks Catalan will take you. Just look for a guy in a gas mask.
Grunge: A gas mask? Carmen, is the place polluted?
Carmen: No, your breath is polluted. Now, get moving!
Greg: Our next clue is coming to us from ACME Make-Believe-Net. Watch.
X: Well, Top Grunge went to Lancaster County. It's known for its large Amish and Mennonite population. Those are religious groups that believe in livin' a very simple life. Like me. They don't drive cars or use electricity. Top Grunge caused quite a commotion when he roared up from Harrisburg, and he was a big problem around the Shoofly Pie.
Henrietta: Meow meow meow meow?
X: Oh, Henrietta, please don't give it away. Wish you well.
Henrietta: Meow meow.
Greg: Thanks a lot, neighbors.

The Rosetta Rip-Off [1.42]

[edit]

[Patty Larceny steals the Rosetta Stone]

(Rockapella parodies The Temptations "My Girl")
Sean: There's a salmon ladder... Oh, yeah...
On the Bonneville Dam.
Oh-oh.
Look for Patty there. Hmm-hmm.
'Cause that's where she am.
Whoa-whoa
Well...
All: Maybe at the Ashland Shakespeare Festival
In the Beaver State where she's arrestable.
Sean: Bad girl!
Scott: Bad girl!
Elliot: Bad girl!
Sean: Oh, Patty's one bad girl.
All: P-P-Patty!
Sean: Ooh-be-do. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
All: The Warrant!
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Greg: Rockapella, everybody! Let's hear it! Come on!
Carmen: Patty, those ACME agents have found you. Head for Hobart. It's the second oldest European settlement in Australia.
Patty: Gee, Carmen, isn't that where they sent British convicts?
Carmen: (laughs) Only the worst ones, Patty, but that was long ago. Now, it's the capital of one of Australia's best nature regions.
Patty: A nature region, huh? Sounds like a good place to hide the stone.
Carmen: Of course it is, Patty. That's why I do the thinking. Go to Freycinet National Park. A henchman will be there to guide you.
Patty: Carmen, I'm on my way!
Greg: Now, guys, it's time for us to turn to the Paula Abdul of the geriatrics set. Please welcome Nana Rap!
(applause)
Nana Rap: (laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)
Just north of Kalimantan.
Is where 2 states lie.
Is where the rest of the nation.
It borders the tides.
You got rubber production.
Those plantations are sight,
But when it's time to relax,
People love flying kites.
The curtock, a drum makes it sound like its name.
And top-spinning contests are a popular game.
Now, go capture Patty, 'cause I've told you enough.
And show Carmen Sandiego your crime-bustin' stuff!
You got the Nana! Na-ah-ah Nana! Get down with the Nana! Na-ah-ah--
Greg: Let's hear it! Nana Rap! Come on!

The Time Bandit [1.43]

[edit]

[Robocrook steals the Aztec calendar.]

Greg: You know, Gumshoes, they say sometimes that dreams can answer questions. Well, I happened to have a dream last night that could probably give you some answers if I can just remember... how that went... that crazy... dream...
Dreaming Greg: Oh, so confusing. Robo's in two time zones. 4:00... Sioux Falls... 3:00... Badlands... What? Missouri River? No. No! Can't swim. Can't swim! (wakes up) Waaauuuggghhh! Waaauuuggghhh! Waaauuuggghhh!
Greg: Oh, whoa, rough night. Heh-heh.
Greg: Now, we found this next informant slinking around an orchard. Watch.
Snake: I sssssaw that clanky guy. He was trying to sssssell a calendar in Jerusalem. That's the Jewish homeland. But they use the Hebrew calendar. They sssay it goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Sssounds about right to me. Wanna bite?
Carmen: Go south of Israel along the Red Sea. I want you to head for Mecca. It's the Arab city where Mohammed was born.
Robo: Clarify. Who is Mohammed?
Carmen: You tinhead. He's the founder of Islam, one of the biggest religions in the world. Stop outside of the city, though. You can't enter if you're not Muslim.
Robo: Acknowledged. When do I arrive?
Carmen: In the Islamic year of 1412.
Robo: Isn't that 579 years ago?
Carmen: No. In Mecca, it's right now.
Greg: Now, bad news, Gumshoes. Uh, we didn't get--
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: Will you knock it off down there?!
Greg: Oh, no. That's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)
Mrs. Pumpkinclanger: I'm sick of your noise! He went here. He went there. Look on the South Pacific island of ʻEua. Just west of the International Date Line, for goodness sakes! It's close to Samoa. Now, go get him and stop making such a racket! (shuts her window)
Greg: Isn't she a sweetheart?

The Fat Lady Sings No More [1.45]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals the Sydney Opera House]

(Contessa sings in Italian)
Carmen: You'll be singing a different tune when ACME nabs you.
Contessa: (gasps) Mama Figimasta! What should I do?!
Carmen: Head for the west-African coast. You can park the Opera House on the Goree Island. You'll love the French restaurants and the beautiful beaches in this town.
Contessa: It sounds delightful!
Carmen: Yes, it is. Just be sure to brush up on your Wolof. It's the nation's main indigenous language.
Contessa: Carmen, you make me crazy! Every day, with the brushing up! What am I?! A criminal or a translator?!
Carmen: Contessa, darling, you're going to be an inmate if you don't hurry up. Now get moving!
Chief: Back when I was a little Chieflet, I used to take opera lessons. I practiced every evening, while I helped out at my father's China shop. (sings opera) Lamu. Lamu. La-MUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(lots of things in her office break)
(the audience laughs)
Chief: But as soon as I started getting the hang of it, Dad made me give it up and take mime instead.

The Case of the Pilfered Palace [1.50]

[edit]

[The Contessa steals the Alhambra Palace]

Chief: (about the Great Salt Lake) You couldn't sink in this water if you wanted to.

The Case of the Purloined Pole [1.51]

[edit]

[Robocrook steals the North Pole]

(Barry enters the room dressed as Santa Claus followed by Scott dressed as an elf)
Sean and Elliot: Jingle bells! Jingle, jingle bells, jingle bells...
Greg: Looks like we have Special Agent Claus with us today.
Santa: I'm really T'd off this time. I'm really T'd off! That Robo creep is gonna get coal for Christmas this year! First, he stole the North Pole, and then he's in my summer house in Turku, on the shores of the Gulf of Bothnia. First, he scared the reindeer, and then he turned off the northern lights. Ooooooh... I'm mad! (he and his elf return to the alley)
Greg: Okay, okay. Ooh! I'd hate to rile that guy! Not a good idea.
Robo: Made it. I've vaulted across the Atlantic to the Garden State.
Carmen: Listen up. They're on to you. Hotfoot it over to the University and blend in at the game.
Robo: Game? What kind of game?
Carmen: You know, football. When you get there, hide in the ivy.
Robo: But I'm not in that league.
Carmen: Just do what I tell you. Leave the thinking to me.
Greg: Hey, guys. What's the Word on the Street?
Sean: The word is "49,000".
Elliot: Hey! That's not a word. That's a number!
Sean: There's a 49,000-year-old meteor crater near the city of Flagstaff, and it's in the 49th state, Greg.
Elliot: Hey! No, it's not. It's in the 48th!
Greg: Guys, guys, guys.
Sean: Sorry, Greg.
Greg: It's okay. (exits)
Barry: Bye.

The Return of Dracula's Castle [1.55]

[edit]

[RoboCrook steals the Bran Castle from Transylvania, Romania.]

Greg: What you have to do now is track Carmen Sandiego through 7 different countries, identifying each country with a marker. If you're right, you'll hear this sound. (siren sounds) But if you're wrong, you'll hear this sound. (BUZZER!) Now, if you're wrong 2 times, don't worry about it, leave the marker where it is, go on to the next one. But if you're right 7 times, within 60 seconds, then you're gonna win that trip to wherever you wrote down in that portfolio just a minute ago. Sound okay to you?
Dhaval: Yeah.
Greg (to the audience): Sound okay to you, guys?
Audience: YEAH!!!

The Purloined Pooch [1.58]

[edit]

[Patty Larceny steals the Lhasa Apso]

Chief: I want results, Greg! I want you to find Patty! I want you to bring back that pooch! Lhasa Apsa... What's his name?
Greg: Lhasa Apso. Yep.
Chief: Yeah. If you get Patty, she will lead us to Carmen Sandiego, and that's what I want! Now, report, Buster!
Greg: Okay. Well, we had a talking yak for a while, which kinda threw us for a little bit. But...
Chief: All right. Wait. I'll sweeten the pot for the Gumshoes. (to the Gumshoes) Gumshoes, find Carmen, and I will send you anywhere in the whole country.
Greg: Uh, Chief.
Chief: What?
Greg: (whispers) We can't do that.
Chief: Why not?
Greg: We're talkin' 'bout budget. (whispers an idea to the Chief)
Chief: Oh. (to the Gumshoes) Anywhere in the lower 48 states.
Greg: Hey!
(the audience cheers and applauds)
Chief: Hey, it's still a heck of a deal!
Greg: Heck of a deal!
Chief: Yeah. (to Greg) Go away.
Greg: Yes, ma'am. Okay.
(he exits the office)
Greg: Everything's okay.
Patty: If it isn't too much trouble, please bring 100,000,000 lire to the Via De La Scrofa. I'll be enjoying fettucine at Alfredo's. If I don't get the money by the time they serve the cappuccino, Apso will become a little dog gone. Molto grazia. I mean, thank you so very much. Ciao!
Greg: Hmm. Nothin' like a polite threat!

The Disoriented Express [1.62]

[edit]

[Double Trouble steals the TGV Train]

Greg: Chief, d'you have any money?

Island Copping [1.63]

[edit]

[Patty Larceny steals the Hawaiian Island of Kure.]

Patty: Aunt Carmen, they're closing in fast. What should I do?
Carmen: Hide on the world's largest island. Then rent a dog sled. That's how some of the children get to school there.
Patty: Sounds cold.
Carmen: It is. Most of the island is covered by ice a mile thick.
Patty: Anything else I should know?
Carmen: Yes, dear. Brush up on your Danish. The island is a province of Denmark.
Greg: (about Scott the Dying Informant, prior to the 2nd round) He's really starting to annoy me.

The Costume Caper [1.65]

[edit]

[Double Trouble steals Madame Tussaud's wax figures]

Carmen: Head for Kyoto. When you see fire on a mountain in the shape of a symbol for big, you'll know you're there.
Double Trouble: Sounds like fun. What's the occasion?
Carmen: It's the Daimonji festival. The end of the Bon season. When the spirits of the dead return to earth.
Double Trouble: Geez, sounds kinda scary to us, Carmen.
Carmen: Don't worry, it's a celebration.
Double Trouble: Hey, celebration's our middle name.
Chief: (refers to the St. Charles Streetcar Line) Take a ride. It's absolutely stellar. (imitates Marlon Brando) Stella. Stella! STELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
(the audience laughs)
Chief: This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember, if you get robbed, don't worry, Jack. We'll find your stuff and give it back!
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