Whose Line Is It Anyway?

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Whose Line Is It Anyway? is an improvised and largely unscripted comedy game show. It was originally a British radio programme, but moved to British Television and was hosted by Clive Anderson and lasted 10 series and 137 episodes. Performers would compete for points and Anderson would give them out very selfishly. When it was moved to American television, the game was hosted by TV actor Drew Carey. Like the UK version, it usually had four other actors or actresses that compete for points (which, as Drew Carey says repeatedly in every episode, really don't matter; sometimes he didn't even give points to the performers). The American version lasted 8 series and 220 episodes. The show consists of acting games that are all improvised, that is, made up on the spot. Audience members contribute ideas to the show and are often pulled onstage to participate in the games. Found below are segments and quotes from some of the games played by the regular actors on the show.

Episode 1

(about Animals)
Lenny Henry:
Hey. Feel GAY!
I went to the zoo, walked down the street,
Opened the door, and guess who I should meet?
A tiger came, and bit off my Head,
And now I'm gonna walk back home again.
It's the animal rap.

Dawn French:
I like animals, I like Pekinese,
I like them a lot, cause their stupid knees.
I like everything, I like a snake,
And it.. I don't, if it's a fake.
Stephen Fry:
(talking out of time with beat) Yeah um, oh...
I find it rather hard to get to fuck bitches,
So I tend to spend my time counting sheep.
Um, I've got, ah, plenty in my bedroom, um, one on the walls,
Um, one in bed and one curled up on my lap.
John Sessions:
I like the Man from U.N.C.L.E, like the Man From Atlantis,
But I like to make love to a praying mantis,
Get down on your legs, down on your feet,
And go after those sheep till they bleat bleat bleat.
I said damn.

Lenny Henry:
Oh yeah.
Feel good!
Oh y... Sorry, I'm enjoying this too much.
I like to go hunting, there's no denyin',
I like to stick my gun into a big lion.
I'd like to get down with a big fat sheep,
I'd like to do something else, and then go to sleep.

Dawn French:
I like all sorts of animals, especially cats,
I like them if they're thin, I like them if they're fat.
I like other animals, I like a dog,
But one thing I wouldn't do with a dog is snog.

Stephen Fry:
(speaks out of time... again) I once went to bed with a baby llama,
But it didn't matter 'cause he didn't tell his mamma.
I then went to bed with a bird from Carolina,
But it did matter 'cause it was a minah.

Season 1


Josie as an angry viewer [1.5]

Josie: Whose Line Is It Anyway? Well, that was absolutely disgusting! And the people who manage each week, John, the entire lot of the studio audience is completely naked in that program. And the sorry sight he was, too. Now let's look. Stage manager, Hilary Groves, costume designer--- costume? Ha! Vanda Vivian, well that's a stage name if ever I heard one. Hilary Gartell, that alright. Jane Bigger: whoop. sorry. Missed it. Designer, Pip Gardner, lighting director--- what does he direct? Who directs traffic? Oh, never mind.

Season 6


Colin and Ryan as reflections in a hall of mirrors [6.3]

Ryan: Whose Line Is It Anyway is composed and... (makes a funny pose)
Colin: Compiled by... (makes a funny pose)
Ryan: Dan and Tony Slattery.
Colin: With Phillip Pope.
Ryan: The sound supervisor is Keith Mayes.
Colin: Russell Norman.
Ryan: Louise Grime is the stage manager.
Colin: Terrence Black, and he's the...
Ryan: I can't get on it. Oh, look. (acts like a monkey)
Colin: I'm funnier than you!
Ryan: Mike Sutcliffe is the lighting director.
Colin: Grahame Storey. Darina Healy. Do the skinny one.
Ryan: Oh, there's Dan Patterson. Look. (they waddle like penguins) It's Dan Patterson.

Comic Relief special (1989)

Stephen: (hides behind his chair at the back of the set)

Josie: "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" said Nick, softly and yet manfully. "I didn't mean to buy you that crocodile and I didn't realise it was the devil's work!" Amanda stood there alluringly looking at Nick. A tall lithe woman who belied her thirty-five years of age. Silk lingerie fell neatly over her firm high breasts and her delicate hair was pulled back in a chimion. "Oh Nick..."

Paul: Oh that was a shame, wasn't it? It was going very well there. Nick suddenly thought of the words that his mother had given to him, the golden advice: "Always wear a condom on a zebra crossing." It was something that he was never to forget, also "Never drive a truck in a nude." He used his insolent techniques to take on this woman. She was all woman, he was all man and his license was fully endorsed.

John: Hell is a fine and private place but, erm, none I think do they embrace, and of course... The erm, the theatre is full of luvvies, always has been. People penetrating each other's bottoms like British railways. Over the years...

Stephen: I'm terribly sorry, I'm just so sorry, I won't do it again, I'm very very sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry. So sorry. So sorry.

Josie: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" said Nick, thrusting her firmly and yet gently onto the Axminster carpet. Amanda was so glad she cleaned it only the other day.

Paul: And she thought to herself "Ah, an Axminster carpet, surely a great contribution to road safety..."

John: Crocodiles didn't really appear in the British theatre until later on in the 20th century when all the old luvvies had covered themselves with eau de cologne. At this stage, crocodiles and alligators were seen on the English stage along with the Australians like Paul Hogan and people like that. However..."

Comic Relief Special (2011)

Josie Lawrence:
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear oh me
I seem to have a Rubik's c-u-b-e
Don't know how to do it, I wish that I was dead
I can't get the blue and the yellow on the right or even the red!

Tony Slattery:
(audience starts clapping)
Please stop clapping, it puts me off my stride!
I don't want to do this cube 'cos it's so wide!
It's ten inches long, I know what to do;
At least with the red and yellow, I've made the blue!

Humphrey Ker:
When I was a young boy, I had a Rubik's cube
But that was before I discovered good YouTube
If I'd stuck with the toy I'd probably be a banker
But instead I spend my time on the net, and now I am a wanker!

Neil Mullarkey:
La la la la la la la, la la la la laa
La la la la la laa, Rubik cube
La la la la la la la, la la la la laa
River Danube!

Season 1



Commercial Hoedown
Greg Proops: I'm in advertising. You know my name is Rick,
And I am really groovy, 'cause I am not a brick.
I sit here and sell you stuff, stuff that you don't need.
Because I have one motivation, and that's massive greed.
Wayne Brady: Why don't you buy that stuff, you baby boomer?
I know you've got lots of cash; you are a big consumer.
Man, oh, man; everything from cars to fast food I sell!
My biggest slogan: "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
Colin Mochrie: I hate commercials! What a waste of time!
They take up all the program; it really is a crime.
They seem to waste all the time in my precious life.
Thank God they're 60 seconds; then I can make love to my wife!
Ryan Stiles: I buy lots of products when I'm at home alone.
It's really, really easy to order them by phone.
Not to order these things is really kind of hard.
But I never worry too much. I use Colin's credit card!
All: Colin's credit card!

Season 4


Scenes from a Hat [4.18]

Drew: Strange 900 numbers.
Colin: So you need more bald jokes, Drew Carey. Here are some more bald jokes for you, Drew Carey.
Drew: Thanks, Chrome dome! That was really funny!

Drew: Things you can say to your dog, but not your girlfriend.
Ryan: What did you just do?! What did you just do?! Am I going to have to rub your nose in that?
Colin: Come!
Ryan: Get off the mailman! Get off the mailman!

Drew: What the Grim Reaper does to relax.
Denny: Nah, I'm bored of Pictionary. Let's play Life. Heh!
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