Wings (1990 TV series)

Wings (1990-1997) is a situation comedy, airing on NBC. The series took place at the airport in Nantucket, Massachusetts and focused on the life of Joe Hackett, a pilot who owned Sandpiper Air, a one plane airline that took passengers from Nantucket to mainland Massachusetts. Joe originally hoped to run it as a mom-and-pop business with his fiancee Carol working as ticket agent, but when Joe's careless brother Brian ran off with Joe's bride-to-be, it created a rift between the two which lasted for years. After the death of their father, his will brings the two together again.

Season 1

Legacy [1.01]

Brian: You look a little tired.

Joe: No, I'm fine.

Brian: Hey, I know you Joe. You're the best pilot around but you're doing too much. You're running the office, you're flying the planes you keep this pace up you're gonna end up like Howard Hughes, locked in a hotel, sitting on Kleenex, sucking apple sauce through a straw.

Lowell: Isn't that something. All that money and his hobbies are the same as mine.

Brian: Really? He also used to collect toenail clippings and keep them in a mason jar.

Lowell: This is uncanny.

---

Joe: It never fails, every time I fly, I come back a little surer there's a God.

Lowell: I go down to the dump and shoot rats.

Around the World in Eighty Years [1.02]

Fay: Announcing the arrival of Sandpiper flight 18 from Boston, Massachusetts, the cradle of liberty. No, wait that's Philadelphia. The city with big shoulders, no that's Chicago. Gateway to the west, no. I know Boston's something.

---

Roy: It just so happens I've been keeping an eye on him. He just sits there morning to night reading his paper, taking the occasional nap, minding his own business. I don't trust him.

Brian: Quick, Helen, call the SWAT team! There's a guy loose in the airport minding his own business!

Joe: You ought to introduce yourself, Brian. Maybe he gives lessons.

Return to Nantucket (1) [1.03]

Brian: That's it, it's over. I'm doomed. Everything bad in the world always happens to me.

Lowell: Plane's fixed.

Brian: That's it! See, all you have to do is keep a positive attitude.

---

Fay: I just talked to the man upstairs.

Lowell: You just talked to the man upstairs?

Fay: Yes. Frank.

Lowell: God's name is Frank?

Fay: No--yes, that's right, Lowell.

Return to Nantucket (2) [1.04]

Joe: Look what she is doing to us, Brian. The last time she came between us we didn't speak for six years. Now, I don't want that to happen again, do you?

Brian: No.

Joe: Now, one of us has been up front with you. One of us has told you the truth, and only one of us really cares about you.

Brian: Just my luck it's you.

---

Carol: Brian, I'm so sorry if I hurt you. It's just I feel like I'm being torn apart. I mean, half of me wants you and all the craziness that goes with you. But the other half wants Joe, so strong and solid.

Brian: [to Joe] You can have the half of her that cooks.

Joe: How can you joke about this?

Brian: Because it's what I do.

There Once Was a Girl from Nantucket [1.05]

Brian: Joe, Joey, quitting time. What's say we go get a couple of beers and scope out the chickage.

Joe: Chickage?

Brian: You know, chicks. Dames, babes, broads, skirts, honeys, honeys, honeys.

Joe: I get it, I get it.

Brian: You sure? 'Cause I know these 38 different euphemisms, more if you get into specific body parts.

Joe: You must be very proud.

---

Helen: A date?

Brian: That's right, you've seen 'em on TV. Now have one of your very own.

All for One and Two for Helen [1.06]

Joe: What about the President of the Nantucket Nature Society? Lois...?

Fay: Lois Sanders. No I'm afraid not. You remember that bumper sticker she has on her car "I brake for field mice?" Well she did and... got rear-ended by a bus.

Lowell: I paid her a visit in the hospital. She's doing fine. She's still a little skittish if you come up behind her and go "BEEP!"

Season 2

The Puppetmaster [2.01]

Helen: [to Joe] Don't pucker up like Dudley-Do-Right, just relax your lips.

Sports & Leisure [2.04]

[Helen, Joe, Brian and Fay come in soaked and miserable. Only one who is dry is Roy, who is laughing uproariously]

Roy: I cannot believe you fell for that! You should have seen the looks on your faces when you dove in!

Joe: [enraged] Gosh Roy, maybe there is a time to lighten up. I guess people tend to take it too seriously when they hear "Fire, fire, abandon ship!"

A Standup Kind of Guy [2.05]

At a bachelor party

Men{in unison}: Nudity, nudity!

Joe: I now give you: Salome, and her Dance of the Seven Veils!

Men cheer; a veiled stripper enters room. After removing one veil, she trips and lands towards man of honor

Stripper: Jerry Stark?

Jerry Stark: Roberta?

Joe: You know him?!

Roberta: Yes, we went to Siasconset High School together. After I graduated I lost touch but I never forgot about you.

Jerry: We have a lot of catching up to do.

Jerry departs room with Roberta

Joe: How about that? Someone actually knows who Jerry Stark is.

Brian: That's nice Joe, but now we have another problem.

Men{in unison}: Nudity, nudity!

It's Not the Thought, It's the Gift That Counts [2.06]

Helen is watching old footage of her childhood. Brian is doing something then quickly gets restrained by Mrs. Hackett

Helen: There goes Brian again!

Joe: You know, the way my mother always yelled, until I was eight I thought his name was Brianstopit!

Friends or Lovers? [2.09]

Joe: [to Helen] You're alluring and desirable... and something else and when I sleep you dance through the Netherlands.

There's Always Room for Cello [2.10]

Joe: I played some ball in high school too.

Roy: Played semi-pro myself. Had guys like you for lunch.

Joe: [looking at Roy's belly] Must have had quite a few of them.

---

Helen: Roy's son R.J. said he wanted to learn the cello. Fat chance in Roy approving that!

Roy approaches lunch counter

Roy: Helen, R.J. told me he wanted to take cello lessons.

Helen: Well, yes Roy. Before you object..

Roy: Come to think of it, I thought over his request and realized he has been too top-heavy on sports. For the college admission boards, athletes are a dime a dozen. Another extracurricular activity like music would look good for college applications.

Helen: Great, I must be honest, I am surprised you would approve Roy.

Roy: Nothing is too good for my boy. Besides, it would behoove him to take in some culture.

Roy departs

Brian: Now you can share your gift with R.J.

Helen: Forget that! The Celtics lost again and I need the teaching fee to pay off my bookie!

---

Helen: OK R.J. let us practice note by note. Before we begin let me say you are older than most of my students so the books I have are geared for younger kids. Please do not think it is an insult to your intelligence.

Roy "R.J." Biggins Junior: No problem.

Helen opens book

Helen: OK, this mama hen represents the whole note and these baby hens are symbolic of the eighth notes.

R.J.: Look, a rabbit!

Helen: OK, I think you got the hang of it.

Love Is Like Pulling Teeth [2.13]

Helen has just undergone oral surgery

Helen: Woe, dood u et da qillow?

Joe: Pardon?

Helen: Illow!

Joe gets pillow

Helen: Dank oo.

Joe: Sorry, it is just a little hard to understand with your mouth stuffed with cotton. Could you just say for me "You have dishonored the Corleone family"?

Helen: Ruck woo!

Joe: No need to repeat, I got that one!

---

Unbeknownst to Helen, Joe is hosting a college basketball party while she is asleep. Guys are cheering the Boston College-Providence College game which concludes. When Joe goes to check on Helen, she is gone

Joe: Helen must have been sleepwalking! She could not have gotten far, she was there when I checked just before third period. Boston College, you guys look on the street; Providence College fans comb the beach!

Partygoers go look for Helen; next morning Helen is back in bed and recovered

Helen: Joe, I appreciate you taking care of me and willing to sacrifice watching the game with the guys.

Joe: Hey, that is what being in a relationship is all about.

Helen: I just had the weirdest dream that I was walking near the lighthouse and some guys led me home.

Joe: Well, you know the doctor used some heavy anesthesia!

The Tennis Bum [2.14]

Brian: I couldn't have possibly done it, either, because I was dressing a pig in the coach's wife's lingerie at the time.

Joe: You were wearing lingerie or the pig was?

Brian: I was. What do you take me for, a pervert?

---

Lowell: Captain Jazzbo? You've murdered Captain Jazzbo!!! I'll see you fry for this, Biggins!

My Brother's Back - And There's Gonna Be Trouble [2.15]

Brian: I'd like to see Joe without his color-coded binder. I got this all under control.

Kenny{exasperated}: Mr. Hackett, the plane is missing!

---

An exhausted Brian has dealt with all the headaches when the disappeared plane mysteriously reappears. Slumped in his chair Joe returns from his FAA medical testing

Brian: Joe! I am so glad you are back.

Joe: Glad to be appreciated. How did it go?

Brian: I am glad the day is over.

Joe: Well, you sound beat. Something happen?

Brian: Joe, you are not going to believe this but, the plane vanished from the hangar!

Joe: I know.

Brian: You know?!

Joe: Of course; the men from New Bedford took the plane up to inspect it for the 100-hour check. Didn't you know, it was all there under the yellow section of the binder, which had the day's planned events.

Brian grimaces

All in the Family [2.19]

Joe: If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.

Murder She Roast [2.21]

Maury Povich: The "Culinary Killer" has been described as a matronly woman who waits on people hand and foot, then poisons them after gaining their trust. She has believed to have been married three times, all of her husbands murdered by her. We are now showing you a computer-generated age progression to show what she may look like today.

Brian is watching the show, then reacts with horror as the photograph is shown to resemble Fay

--

Airport lounge. People are watching fugitive show

Maury Povich: In an update to our last program, the "Culinary Killer" was apprehended in a Chicago soup kitchen. We want to thank our viewers for their attention and vigilance for bringing this killer to justice. Calls came in all across the United States, as far west as Astoria, Oregon and as far east as Nantucket, Massachusetts.

Everyone looks at Brian, believing they know who made the call for the latter

Duet for Plane and Cello [2.22]

Helen: You care more about this stupid plane than you do about me!

Joe: Me? You are the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!

Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!

Joe: Yeah, well, at least when I am in the plane I get some sense of movement!

Season 3

The Bogey Men [3.11]

Helen: Antonio, I did not know you played guitar.

Antonio: Barely; I started a few months ago. I only know one song.

Helen: Then play that.

Antonio: It is a folk song I used to hear back in my native Italy. For a long time it was the only English I knew.

Antonio strums guitar

Antonio{singing}: My goat knows the bowling score, alleluia. My goat knows the bowling score, al-lay-loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ya.

Helen: It is Michael, Row the Boat Ashore.

Antonio: No kidding!

---

Brian: Try throwing a shoe at Roy and NOT hitting him.

Season 5

Bye Bye, Bunny [5.03]

Brian: What is the deal with men crying these days?  Is it in or out?

Joe: Oh, let's see.  1960s was love and sex -- no reason to cry.

Brian: 1970s was the sensitive male.  It was okay to cry.  1980s was--

Joe: Making money -- no crying.

Brian: And what is the 1990s?

Joe: No sex, no money, nothing to do but cry.

A Decent Proposal [5.24]

Alex: Well, what was that all about?

Brain: Lynch just asked Helen to marry him.

Alex: Oh that is great. No wonder why she is so happy.

Brian: You can be that happy too, you know.

Alex: If Davis Lynch asked me to marry him, I would be.

--

Alex: Brian, it is over. No matter what stunts you pull, it is not going to mend our relationship. Do you get it?

Brian: Oh, yes, I get it. Trust me; I have had enough embarassment for one day! Man enters airport lounge dressed in a pink outfit and wings; Brian motions to approach him Oh good, the Cupidgram is here!

Season 7

Burning Down the House, Part I [7.01]

Helen's residence. Brian and Casey start passionately making out and go upstairs to have sex. They fail to see they threw their clothes near an active fireplace, which sparks and starts to burn the clothes

Master bedroom

Brian: You were great. It is so hot in here, you are smoking.

Casey: Smoke!

Brian: Don't need to.

Sirens are heard on street

Casey: No Brian, there's smoke! Did you put out the fireplace?

Brian: I guess. No need to worry.

Firemen break down door of master bedroom

Brian: Smoke, there's fire! AUGH! Why didn't anyone tell me!

---

After Casey lets it slip about the fire when Joe did not know the cause at first

Joe: Let me get this straight Brian, you caused the fire? But the worst part of it, all this time you knew and said nothing when I was blaming myself or thinking it was faulty wiring or some accident.

Brian: Well, Joe, it was hard to say.

Joe: You know Brian, this is not the first time you have pulled a stunt like this. When you ran off with my first fiancee Carol, I was angry, until Dad's death convinced me not to bear a grudge. It has been like this for years, you get in over your head doing something stupid, I get mad, I calm down, I forgive you, then I am the one stuck cleaning up the mess you made! Now that I am married I have to say no more. You burned down the house; what if that happened when you were babysitting the children Helen and I plan to have? Well, that is a risk I cannot take. I want you out.

Brian: You're right, I should get lost for a bit.

Joe: Not just that Brian. I want you out of my life.

Brian: Out of your life?!

Joe: I will buy you out of the landholding mortgage and I will buy you out of Sandpiper. After that, I go my way and you go yours.

Subtitles: TO BE CONTINUED

Burning Down the House, Part II [7.02]

Brian: Joe, look what I found.

Joe: Dad's briefcase, so?

Brian: It was undamaged by the fire! And look at this, the picture Dad left for us! Know what this means?

Joe: Yeah, it means the nut house knew exactly what they were doing when they captured Dad by luring him into their van by waving a Chunky in front of him.

---

Brian: But Joe, the picture. Don't you know what it says?

Joe: Yeah, "You are rich". Why are you telling me this Brian? Did you expect to show me this and I would lighten up and say "Oh, you're right, all is forgiven"?

Brian: Are you really that serious about wanting me gone?

Man enters Sandpiper office

Man: Sir, if I could ask you to leave, I have confidential business to discuss.

Brian: Excuse me pal, but this happens to be my office, and who are you?

Man: Oh, this must be the second party.

Brian: Second party?

Man: I have been retained to oversee that the partnership of Sandpiper Air be dissolved. Here is my card.

Man hands Brian business card

Brian{reciting card}: Al Skoog, Carpet Cleaners and Steaming Service. Don't just clean it, Skoogerize it!! What?

Al Skoog: Sorry, that's my other business. Here is the right card.

Mr. Skoog hands Brian another business card

Brian{reciting card}: Al Skoog, Attorney at Law. Admitted to the bar in West Virginia and Massachusetts. We are not just good, we are Skoogerific!

Joe: Mr. Skoog comes highly recommended. I want to make sure this is done nice and legal.

Brian: You are dead serious about getting rid of me; I can't believe it!

Brian departs Sandpiper office

Joe: I do not understand how he just does not get it!

Al Skoog: You look a little down. Tell you what, I own a pub crosstown. Give this coupon to the bartender. He will give you a free pitcher of Skoogeritas.

---

Joe is looking at his father's briefcase

Man{offstage voice}: What finery, imitation alligator!

Joe: Who said that?

Joe turns around to see his father

Joe: Dad?

Donald Hackett: The one and only!

Joe: You are dead. You are not real, you are a figment of my stressed-out brain. I am going to close my eyes and you will be gone.

Joe closes eyes, then opens them

Donald: Boo! A boogie woogie oogie! You always fell for that one, Joe!

Joe: AUGH!

---

Joe: Why are you here, Dad?

Donald: I am not here to haunt you, I promise. I am just here to tell you I am proud of you. You had every chance to take the easy way out; you know, be like one of those wimps in group therapy. "Hello, my name is Joe and I had a crap childhood. Wah, wah, wah!"

Joe: No Dad, I could not afford to get in touch with my inner child. Not with you going gonzo.

Donald: Well excuse me Joe. I wish you all the best with Helen. God forbid anything happen with Helen and you that what happened between your mother and I. I remember it like an ordinary day, where she told me "OK Don, the boys' dinner is in the fridge for tonight, the bed is made, I am moving to Phoenix and you are not!"

Joe: Granted, I hated Mom walking out on us too, but that was still no excuse for me to have to then take care of Brian and then you in getting calls from the sheriff such as "Joe Hackett, can you come pick up your father at the station? My men arrested him for participating in the American Legion Ladies' Auxiliary chili cook-off stark naked!"

Donald: I still don't see why that was a reason for the Ladies' Auxiliary to disqualify me from the contest!

---

Joe: Dad, I know why you are here. You are going to tell me Brian is repentant for burning down the house.

Donald: When did I say that? I agree you should throw Brian out.

Joe: What?!

Donald: Brian has had enough chances in life. He frittered away opportunities most of us never get, such as at NASA. When you planned to marry Carol, he ran off with her, and then it was a rivalry between you and him for Helen. It is time for him to grow up and he needs to do so the hard knocks way. But you do have to admit, he has a sense of surprise. Like that one Christmas where we got you the bicycle. Remember in those days they sold them unassembled and Brian thought it would be neat to surprise you with it assembled by him?

Joe: Right, and he actually did a pretty good job at it, just forgetting an eensy-weensy detail. Then Brian decided to goad me into testing out the bike atop the Seven Hills. That was when I learned the small part Brian forgot was the brakes! Thank goodness I collided with that snowman at the bottom of the Seven Hills.

Donald: That was no snowman. That was the Mather kid in a white parka eating a carrot.

---

Last lines of episode

Donald: Anyway Joe, take my advice and cut your losses now. Get on with your life with Helen and tell Brian to hit the highway. You will not be haunted by regret, nor will you ever miss him. After all, you do not miss your mother and you do not miss me.

Joe: Dad, I do miss you!

Donald: Well, you never gave any sign of that when I was still alive.

Joe: You are right, I did not. I should have been there when you were on your deathbed or something akin to that when you were terminal.

Donald: Too bad, because now the only thing you can do is...miss me.

The ghost of Joe's father fades away. Joe returning to reality, is left to think to himself. Brian enters office

Brian: OK Joe, that is the last of my boxes. At this point all I can tell you is have a nice life. So long.

Brian lifts box and departs office

Joe: Brian, wait!

Brain: Yes Joe, what is it?

Joe: Do not go.

Death Becomes Him [7.03]

Helen: I had my first kiss on Kingsbury Point.

Joe: I lost my virginity on Kingsbury Point.

Brian: I lost my virginity on Kingsbury's couch. His niece was my prom date - a great prom date!

---

In flight

Brian: Think we partied too much Joe in Miami?

Joe: Ugh, don't remind me.

Brian: Let's open the casket.

Joe: Brian, no.

Brian: Come on Joe! Brian opens casket, then his expression stops being a jocose one Uh, Joe, you really need to see this.

Joe: I am not in the mood.

Brian: No more joke, I am serious that you need to see this.

Joe takes a look then shares Brian's shock

Brian: Only two things can explain this. One, Harrison Kingsbury was a woman. Two, we signed for the wrong body.

Joe & Brian{in unison}: OH S#%$#T!

Scene changes to exterior of plane, where engine noise muffles profanity

---

Brian: Eleanor Kingsbury will understand. After all, the Kingsburies are people like us.

Fay: No, they are people who squash people like us! Do you not remember what happened to Siasconset Air?

Brian: Who was Siasconset Air?

Joe: They were the guys who had the counter before us.

Brain: So what happened?

Fay: Eleanor Kingsbury took a flight on Siasconset Air and they misplaced one of her bags.

Brian: And?

Joe: And...in the eleven minutes it took them to find it she had their mortgage called in and their credit line revoked. Before moving away, the owners were last seen making slushees at the Stop & Shop.

Brian: If she did that to Siasconset Air for losing her luggage, imagine what she will do to us once she finds out we lost her daddy!

---

The Person Formerly Known as Lowell [7.04]

Lowell: Back to work after spending two weeks at a great place.

Roy: Where did you go?

Lowell: Dollywood.

Roy: What did you like best about it?

Lowell: I enjoyed the majestic view of the Smoky Mountains.

Roy: So Dolly was there.

Roy snickers

Lowell: You know Roy, I think Dolly Parton is a fine example of how great our country is. She was born into poverty in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee and worked to become a music superstar, then she gives back to her community by building an amusement park to bring much needed jobs and tourism to an impoverished zone of America. But all us guys ever do is make jokes about her bra size.

Roy: OK, Mather, sorry.

Lowell: No problem. I got you something.

Lowell hands Roy a coffee mug with boobs

---

Lowell is working in hangar when he is approached by a man in a suit

Man: I am Michael Lewentowicz. I am attorney who represents Angelo Donato.

Lowell: Oh yeah, the murderer.

Lawyer: Alleged murderer!

Lowell: I saw it with my own eyes.

Lawyer: You sure you did not need your glasses?

Lowell: I went to the eye doctor two weeks ago. He said all was good.

Lawyer: Were you distracted by a need to use the men's room?

Lowell: No; I have a bladder like a hippo.

Lawyer: Was it obscured by smoke?

Lowell: That place has a no smoking policy.

Lawyer: OK, let me be blunt. My client is a well-connected man. It would behoove you to forget about testimony.

Lowell: Disobey the courts? Listen buddy, you have a lot of nerve coming to me on my work time. You cannot intimidate me. This is not The Godfather, this is real life! Get out of my sight. Lawyer leaves resigned. Lowell thinks to himself what he just said and realizes he may be the target of organized crime. Lowell runs into office Joe, Brian, help!

---

Lowell enters terminal

Lowell: I am working on the plane, Joe.

Brian: You are not going into the Witness Protection Program?

Lowell: Yes, I am. They said I leave at 1300 hours. If there are 24 hours in a day that will be two months from now. By then you will be sick of me!

Joe: Uh, Lowell, were you in the military?

Lowell: No.

FBI agents enter terminal

FBI Agent: Mr. Mather, we need you to come with us.

Joe: They used military time. That means 1 in the afternoon.

---

---

Last lines of episode

Brian: You were right Joe, this Brother P-Touch label maker is great.

Joe: That should do it.

Joe's places label under Lowell's orange ball cap hanging on the wall

Label: In Memory of Lowell Mather. Please do not touch.

Cast

• Tim Daly - Joe Hackett
• Steven Weber - Brian Hackett
• Crystal Bernard - Helen Chappel-Hackett
• David Schramm - Roy Biggins
• Rebecca Schull - Fay Cochran
• Thomas Haden Church - Lowell Mather
• Tony Shalhoub - Antonio Scarpacci
• Amy Yasbeck - Casey Chappel-Davenport
• Farrah Forke - Alex Lambert

External links

• Wings quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Wings at TV.com