Jerry Conlaine: [to Denise] Here's the thing: the guys and I are going on a treasure hunt and I know it sounds dumb, but its something that we have to do. For Billy.
Denise: That doesn't sound dumb at all, I completely understand.
Jerry Conlaine: [surprised] You do?
Denise: Just call me when you get a chance. But I... I might be out of the house, for a bit. Yeah cause my girlfriends and I, we're gonna go on a search for the Lost City of Atlantis!
Jerry Conlaine: Let's take Billy's trip.
Tom Marshall: I say hell yes!
Tom Marshall: We'll shine them. It's an old Cherokee trick.
Jerry Conlaine: Oh, I forgot. The Cherokee have been using flashlights for thousands of years.
Dan Mott: Didn't they pioneer the D-cell battery?
Jerry Conlaine: I christen this, Duke the second! [smashes beer bottle on canoe]
River Guide: Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play.
Dan Mott: I'm out.
Jerry Conlaine: What does that mean?
Tom Marshall: I think it means he's out. Like coming out, like he's finally admitting he's gay.
[the three boys are wearing only their boxers at night, after losing their clothes]
Dan Mott: You know, things are as bad as they could possibly get.
[starts raining hard, Jerry and Tom look up at the rain]
Dan Mott: I stand corrected!
[Finding themselves without their clothes and are planning to sleep in the cold night while it is raining]
Dan Mott: The only chance we have to survive is to huddle together for warmth...
Jerry Conlaine: I, for one, choose death.
Jerry Conlaine: Well I was a boy scout, you were a boy scout too right Tom?
Tom Marshall: No but I ate a brownie once.
[After Jerry had an erection while huddling with Tom and Dan for warmth]
Jerry Conlaine: Come back to bed, you guys. I'm freezing.
Tom Marshall: Not until he puts Jabba back in his Hut!
[Tom rudely arrives at Billy's funeral on his motorcycle]
Tom Marshall: Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood?
[Crowd gasps, Tom sees Jerry amongst group]
Tom Marshall: That you, Jerry?
Jerry Conlaine: Tom!
Tom Marshall: Dan with you? Where'd you guys park?
Dan Mott: [after Tom had offered to distract Dennis and Elwood instead of Jerry] Give 'em hell, Tommy
Tom Marshall: [about to rappel down the tree] This hell-mart's open for business, and I'm slashing prices.
Jerry Conlaine: Come on, Dan. It's like when we'd jump off the railroad bridge into the river when we were kids. This is higher than that.
Dan Mott: But I never did jump in the river! You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking!
Jerry Conlaine: Oh yeah! [Pushes Dan]
Dan Mott: Mmm, bacon.
Del Knox: Squirrel.
Dan Mott: Mmm, squirrel.
Dan Mott: Hey guys look! A wild deer! All out in the open like that!
[Deer looks back at Dan and growls]
Tom Marshall: He won't bother you if you're in the fetal position.
Tom Marshal: Abort the fetal position!
[Jerry, Tom and Dan are being chased by a bear]
Dan Mott: What are you doing?
Jerry Conlaine: Taking off my shoes.
Dan Mott: Why?
Jerry Conlaine: Because I run faster with no shoes
Dan Mott: You can't outrun that bear!
Jerry Conlaine: I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you!
Jerry Conlaine: Wait a second. Tom, were you really employee of the month?
Tom Marshall: No! I lied about that too!
Dan Mott: This trip is officially over! This is finished! Let's just go home.
Tom Marshall: I agree. That is a great idea. All we've got to do is jump up over that 100-foot waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone. He liked us, I remember. And he'll send out a rescue boat. And--hey, there's a beer in the river. Cool.
Dan Mott: [imitating C-3PO] We are in serious trouble my friends. All data points to us being--how do you humans say it?-- completely screwed?
Dan Mott: Yeah. You know, that is, that's a good way to say it. That pretty much sums it up.
Dan Mott: [imitating C-3PO] As expected, Tom is drunk.
Dan Mott: Where are we?
Jerry Conlaine: Corner of Bum-fuck and You Got a Purty Mouth.
[While lost in the woods and then hearing rock music]
Tom Marshall: I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed.
Tom Marshall: [urging Dan to climb through a hole] Come on Dan, your the only one small enough to get through.
Jerry Conlaine: That's what she said.
[Dennis & Elwood approach, carrying rifles]
Jerry Conlaine: When we get out of this someone's buying a round of drinks, not it.
Tom Marshall: Not it.
Dan Mott: Is there beer in heaven?
Jerry Conlaine: I was thinking more the bar in town.
[Giant redwood flattens Dennis & Elwood]
Denise: Can you please be serious for 5 minutes?
Jerry Conlaine: My record is 4 but I think I can do it.
Del Knox: Whatever it is you guy are looking for, you gotta go out there and get it right now.
[Tom, Jerry, and Dan get up to leave despite the rain]
Del Knox: Not right now you idiots.
Jerry Conlaine: [laying in the boat, after rapid riding] I about shit. Did you about shit?
Tom Marshall: I about shit.
Dan Mott: I did shit.
Jerry Conlaine: Oh shit!
Dan Mott: What? Oh, shit? Oh, shit! What? Oh, shit--
Jerry, Tom & Dan: [All together, while falling off waterfall] Oh Shiiiiiii--
River Guide: So, are you a class 4,5?
Tom Marshall: Yeah?
River Guide: So which one are you?
Tom Marshall: Why don't you try to put those numbers together. Yeah. I shot a class 45, and haven't lost a man yet.
River Guide: Lie to me, I don't care. I'm not the one who's going to drown.
Del Knox: Come with me, or I'll shoot your testicles off and stuff 'em and mount 'em on my mantle-piece.
Tom Marshall: That's gonna be an ugly mantle-piece.
Jerry Conlaine: So this is Spirit River, we take that to Widowmaker Bend and then we hike to Devil's Staircase and that should lead us right to the top of Hellfire.
Dan Mott: What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there, like, a Fluffy Bunny Way?
Tom Marshall: No, but there's a Shut-Up-You-Big-Baby Ridge.
Tom Marshall: We'll shine them.
Jerry Conlaine: That would kill the fish.
Dan Mott: What does the map say, Jerry?
Jerry Conlaine: [After realizing the map is torn] Oh, you know, it's a map.
Dan Mott: Jerry, didn't you see that the river split on the map?
Jerry Conlaine: I would have if your friend the big-ass bear hadn't eaten it!
Tom Marshall: So you're saying you lost the map? You don't have it?
Jerry Conlaine: No, I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it while my ass was free-falling over a 100 foot waterfall
Tom Marshall: So you don't have it?
Tom Marshall: Let's go through there.
Dan Mott: Where? There's no door!
Young Billy: Hey, is it cool to be a grown up?
Jerry Conlaine: Not really my man.
[After hiding from Dennis and Elwood, and Dan discovering that he had swallow a bug]
Dan Mott: It crawled straight in my stomach!
Jerry Conlaine: Come on, let's go.
Dan Mott: I think it laid its eggs in my stomach!
Jerry Conlaine: You're a lot smarter than him. Right Dan?
Dan Mott: Well, I wouldn't say a lot smarter.
Flower: [To Jerry] And what's your forest name?
Tom Marshall: His forest name is Slug!
Del Knox: I spent the best years of my life sittin' on the porch, playin' the harmonica, waitin' for somethin' better. And the years have been goin' by faster, and faster, and then, all of a sudden, I was an old man.
Tom Marshall: Well I bet you can play the shit outta that harmonica!
Del Knox: That I can. 'Cept there's no one around to hear me play it. Piece of advice: you can lose your money. You can spend it - all of it. Maybe work hard, get it all back. But if you waste your time, you're never gonna get it back.
[While fishing with their hands]
Dan Mott: I bet you a hundred grand and my left nut that all you catch in that river is a cold.
Tom Marshall: [after catching a fish] You owe me a hundred grand and the left nut!
Dan Mott: You guys are spraying me.
Tom Marshall: Give me a break. I'm writing your name.
Dan Mott: Stop it!
[After Tom, Jerry and Dan hide in the river]
Elwood: Man, our whole crop is burning! Those assholes are dead! And the bodies that are attached to them are dead, too! Dead! D-E-A-D, dead! Assholes! A-S-S-H-O-