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The Chosen Mum [1.1]
[Debbie is trying to get her children to stand still for a photo]
- Debbie: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5. [pause] Pete, counting to 5's stopped working
- Peter: It happened at the weekend. You've got to bribe them with chocolate now.
- Debbie: What happened? Where am I?
- Elf: Well, you know the New Forest?
- Debbie: Yeah...
- Elf: It's like that, but in another world.
- Nick: I'm a magic stick. Get over it.
- Elder Trevor: She doesn't sound very impressive.
- Elder Vex: Trevor, you're a blob.
Wizard Bradley [1.2]
- Debbie: Pete, if there was a £50 note in the garden, would you go and get it?
- Peter: Yes.
- Debbie: Well then you haven't got flu.
- Peter: What?
- Debbie: Well that's the test, for flu.
- Peter: But it's fifty quid! Don't you remember what I went through to get that £2 coin I dropped down the loo?
- Wizard Bradley: Don't miss my next performance when I will be showcasing my rain spell... weather permitting.
- [A younger Wizard Bradley is in a nightclub surrounded by women]
- Wizard Bradley: It actually looks like a wand!
- [Wizard Bradley reaches in vain for his dropped hat as the temple doors close behind him]
- Wizard Bradley: My haaaaaaaaaaaat! [pause] Can easily be replaced.
The Ultimate Prize [1.4]
Closing the Portal [1.5]
- Elf: Ennythingos: home of the sacred fire and our version of the clap, so just don't.
The Idiot King [1.6]
The Heart of the Sun [1.7]
Dirty Ernie [1.8]
- Narrator: Far far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained. But they told also of a saviour, come from a distant world to save us from the shadows. Can you dig?
Panic in the Streets of Yonderland [2.1]
- Elders: Kill the blob! Smash him in! Eat the blob!
- Vice Elder Flowers: Eat his face!
- Scribe Elder Ho-Tan: Woah woah, wait, I thought you were a vegetarian?
- Vice Elder Flowers: Is he not a vegetable?
- Scribe Elder Ho-Tan: Grey area, like fish.
The Winging Detective [2.2]
A Vicious Circle [2.3]
Up the Workers [2.4]
- Negatus: He's not hiding, you cretin, he's dead!
- Negatus: You have failed me for the last time.
- Demon Jeff: Please, I can keep failing you!
- Babbas: Perfect! A little helper! How are you at holding stuff?
- Demon Jeff: It's on my CV, but then again, so's computer skills, and I've no idea what that means.
- Picket Fence 1: Where did you get the egg?
- Picket Fence 2: Honestly? From the bum of a bird.
- Debbie: This could have been happening for quillennia... oh God, I've started saying "quillennia".
Nanny La Roo [2.5]
Game of Crones [2.6]
- Le Fox [after smashing a bottle of wine over Igor's head]: Don't worry, it was only a Rosé.
The Last Fahl [2.7]
- Debbie: He's clearly not all there. He collects bums!
- Squint: And stamps... no-one ever goes on about the stamps.
- Nigel: Mum said she'd texted you.
- Peter: Oh, what, d'you mean [looks at phone] "Cad conid locket lig haroo"? I haven't had a chance to send that one to Bletchley yet.
- Fahl: I only ask for the simple things in life. Food, water, move that mountain out of my sun! But no, you never fail to disappoint me.
Careful What You Wish For [2.8]
- Demon Rita: If he's an evil genius, where's his bumbling assistant?
- Igor: Jeffrey!
- Demon Neil: Oh, good choice!
- Demon Rita: Nailed it.
- Martha Howe-Douglas - Debbie Maddox/Imperatrix
- Mathew Baynton - Elf/Chief Elder Choop
- Jim Howick - the Crone/Lord Elder Pressley
- Simon Farnaby - Negatus/Vice-Elder Flowers
- Laurence Rickard - Wizard Bradley/Scribe Elder Ho-Tan
- Ben Willbond - Nick the Stick/Wise Elder Vex