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The Grand Budapest Hotel

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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it.
What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves.

The Grand Budapest Hotel is a 2014 film about a concierge who teams up with one of his employees to prove his innocence after he is framed for murder.

Directed and written by Wes Anderson.
Nobody move; everybody's under arrest.
To be frank, I think his world had vanished long before he ever entered it. But I will say, he certainly sustained the illusion with a marvelous grace.

M. Gustave

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  • What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero.
  • You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it.
  • [to Mme. Celine's corpse] You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some.
  • Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower.
  • If I die first, and I almost certainly will, you will be my sole heir. There's not much in the kitty, except a set of ivory-backed hairbrushes and my library of romantic poetry, but when the time comes, these will be yours. Along with whatever we haven't already spent on whores and whiskey.

Other

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  • Mr Moustafa: When the destiny of a great fortune is at stake, men's greed spreads like a poison in the bloodstream. Uncles, nephews, cousins, in-laws of increasingly tenuous connection. The old woman's distant relations had come foraging out of the woodwork.
  • The Author: [having finished listening to Mr Moustafa's story; last lines] A week later, I sailed for a cure in South America, and began a long, wandering journey abroad. I did not return to Europe for many years. It was an enchanting old ruin... [his voice turns into that of his older self] ...but I never managed to see it again.

Dialogue

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Author: It is an extremely common mistake. People think the writer's imagination is always at work, that he's constantly inventing an endless supply of incidents and episodes; that he simply dreams up his stories out of thin air. In point of fact, the opposite is true. Once the public knows you're a writer, they bring the characters and events to you. And as long as you maintain your ability to look, and to carefully listen, these stories will continue to...
[Author's Grandson shoots at him with a pellet gun]
Author: Stop it! Stop it! Don't! Don't do it!... Uh, will continue to seek you out, uh, over your lifetime. To him, who has often told the tales of others, many tales will be told.
Author's Grandson: Sorry.
Author: It's all right. The incidents that follow were described to me exactly as I present them here, and in a wholly unexpected way.
Zero: What happened?
M. Gustave: What happened, my dear Zero, is I beat the living shit out of a sniveling little runt called Pinky Bandinski, who had the gall to question my virility. Because, if there's one thing we've learned from penny dreadfuls, it's that when you find yourself in a place like this, you must never be a candy ass; you've got to prove yourself from day one. You've got to win their respect. You should take a long look at HIS ugly mug this morning. [Takes a sip of water and laughs] He's actually become a dear friend. You'll meet him, I hope.
M. Gustave: It's quite a thing, winning the loyalty of a woman like that for nineteen consecutive seasons.
Zero: Um... yes, sir.
M. Gustave: She's very fond of me, you know.
Zero: Yes, sir.
M. Gustave: I've never seen her like that before.
Zero: No, sir.
M. Gustave: She was shaking like a shitting dog.
Zero: ...Truly.
M. Gustave: Serge X, missing. Deputy Kovacs, also missing. Madame D, dead. Boy with Apple, stolen (by us). Dmitri and Jopling, ruthless, cold-blooded savages. Gustave H, at large. What else?
Zero: Zero, confused.
M. Gustave: Zero, confused, indeed. The plot "thickens" as they say. Why, by the way? Is it a soup metaphor?
Zero: I don't know.
M. Gustave: The beginning of the end of the end of the beginning has begun. A sad finale played, off-key, on a broken-down saloon piano in the outskirts of a forgotten ghost town. I’d rather not bear witness to such blasphemy.
Zero: Me, neither.
M. Gustave: The Grand Budapest has become a troop’s barracks. I shall never cross its threshold again in my lifetime.
Zero: Me, neither.
M. Gustave: Never again shall...
Zero: [pointing at Dmitri] Actually, I think we might be going in right now, after all.
Jopling: [referring to Serge X] I've never trusted that butler. He's too honest.
Dmitri: [on phone] Too honest, you say?
Jopling: Mm-hm.
Dmitri: All right, well, be that as it may, find him quick and make it snappy.
M. Gustave: I'm not angry with Serge; you can't blame someone for their basic lack of moral fiber. He's a frightened little yellow-bellied coward. It's not his fault, is it?
Zero: I don't know, it depends.
M. Gustave: Well, you can say that about most anything, "it depends". Of course it depends.
Zero: Of course it depends, of course it depends.
M. Gustave: Yes, I suppose you're right; of course it depends. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to throttle the little swamp rat.
Jopling: [having discovered Agatha's involvement in Gustave's escape] I've got to hand it to them. I didn't see that coming. Well, what do you want me to do?
Dmitri: [on phone] Talk to the club-footed sister again. And this time, be persuasive.
M. Gustave: [after seeing police at reception] Have you ever been questioned by the authorities?
Zero: Yes, on one occasion, I was arrested and tortured by the rebel militia after the Desert Uprising.
M. Gustave: You know the drill, then, zip it.
Zero: Of course.
M. Gustave: You've never hears the word "van Hoytl" in your life. Okay, let's go.
[they go down to the reception]
M. Gustave: How may we serve you, gentlemen? Ah, Inspector Henckels!
Henckels: By order of the commissioner of police, Zubrowka Province, I hereby place you under arrest for the murder of Madame Celine Villenueve Desgoffe-und-Taxis.
M. Gustave: I knew there was something fishy. We never got the cause of death. She's been murdered, and you think I did it.
[M. Gustave abruptly turns and runs away; the police stare in shock, then chase after him]
Henckels: HEY! STOP!
M. Gustave: [Of Mme. Celine] She was dynamite in the sack, by the way.
Zero: ...She was 84, Monsieur Gustave.
M. Gustave: Mmm, I've had older. When you're young, it's all filet steak, but as the years go by, you have to move on to the cheap cuts. Which is fine with me, because I like those. More flavorful, or so they say.
Dmitri: If I learn you ever once laid a finger on my mother's body, living or dead, I swear to God, I'll cut your throat! You hear me?
M. Gustave: I thought I was supposed to be a fucking faggot.
Dmitri: You are, but you're bisexual.
M. Gustave: Let's change the subject; I'm leaving.
Dmitri: [about M. Gustave] This criminal has plagued my family for nearly 20 years. He's a ruthless adventurer and a con artist who preys on mentally feeble, sick old ladies! And he probably fucks them, too!
M. Gustave: I go to bed with all my friends.
[Dmitri punches M. Gustave, Zero punches Dmitri, Jopling punches Zero]
Dmitri: Where's Boy with Apple?!
M. Gustave: (pause) NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!
[Henckels and another police officer arrive, interrupting the gunfight going on in the hotel]
Henckels: Who's shooting who?
Dmitri: That's Gustave H., the escaped murderer and art thief! I've got him cornered!
M. Gustave: That's Dmitri Desgoffe und Taxis! He's responsible for the killing of Deputy Kovacs, Serge X and his club-footed sister, plus his own mother!
[pause]
Henckels: Nobody move; everybody's under arrest.
[Everyone starts shooting again; Henckels and the officer with him join in]
Zero: [Reading a letter from M. Gustave] "My dear and trusted colleagues..."
M. Gustave: I miss you deeply as I write from the confines of my regrettable and preposterous incarceration. Until I walk amongst you again as a free man, the Grand Budapest remains in your hands, as does its impeccable reputation. Keep it spotless, and glorify it. Take extra-special care of every little bitty bit of it as if I were watching over you like a hawk with a horse-whip in its talons, because I am. Should I discover a lapse of any variety during my absence, I promise swift and merciless justice will descend upon you. A great and noble house has been placed under your protection. Tell Zero if you see any funny business.
Zero: [Finishing the letter] "Your devoted Monsieur Gustave."
The Author: Is it simply your last connection to that vanished world—his world, if you will?
Zero: His world? No, I don't think so. You see, we shared a vocation; it wouldn't have been necessary. No, the hotel I keep for Agatha. We were happy here, for a little while. To be frank, I think his world had vanished long before he ever entered it. But I will say, he certainly sustained the illusion with a marvelous grace.
Serge X: Forgive me, Monsieur Gustave. I never meant to betray you. They threatened my life and now they've murdered my only family.
M. Gustave: No. Who did they kill this time?
Serge X: My dear sister.
M. Gustave: The girl with the club foot?
Serge X: Yes.
M. Gustave: Those fuckers!
Serge X: I tried to warn you at the beginning.
M. Gustave: I know, darling. Let's put that behind us. Listen, I hate to put you on the spot, but I really must ask you to clear my name. Obviously you're grieving...
Serge X: There's more
M. Gustave: Okay.
Serge X: To the story...
M. Gustave: I get it. Go on.
Serge X: I was the official witness in Madame D's presence to the creation of a second will to be executed only in the event of her death by murder.
M. Gustave: A second will?
Serge X: Right.
M. Gustave: In case she got bumped off?
Serge X: Right.
M. Gustave: Uh-huh?
Serge X: But they destroyed it.
M. Gustave: Oh dear.
Serge X: However...
M. Gustave: Uh-huh?
Serge X: I pulled a copy?
M. Gustave: A second copy of the second will?
Serge X: Right.
M. Gustave: Uh-huh?
Serge X: [Silence]
M. Gustave: [Frantically] What does it say? Where is it? What's it all about dammit? Don't keep us in suspense, Serge! This has been a complete fucking nightmare! Just tell us what the fuck is going on!

[Suddenly, the communication door in the confession booth was abruptly closed by someone]

M. Gustave: Serge? Serge? Serge!

[M. Gustave and Zero went to the other side of the booth and discover Serge has been killed in the midst of speaking to them.]

M. Gustave: Bloody hell, they've strangled the poor slob!

Cast

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