Firefly (TV series)

From Wikiquote

(Redirected from Firefly)
Jump to: navigation, search

Firefly (2002–2003) is a science-fiction television series, written by Joss Whedon and Tim Minear, about crew of the Firefly-class spaceship Serenity and their adventures as they try to get by as independents in a culture of conformity enforced by a peaceful but uncaring Alliance government. Its unique retro-Western interplanetary setting, in Whedon's words, combines the past and the future in a way that feels like the present.

Please read Firefly (TV series)/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.
Serenity (pilot) Bushwhacked Our Mrs. Reynolds Ariel The Message
Shindig Jaynestown War Stories Heart of Gold
The Train Job Safe Out of Gas Trash Objects in Space
Serenity (comic) Serenity (film) Chinese translations
Quotes about Firefly and Serenity Cast See also References
Spoiler warning: Plot, ending, or solution details follow.

[edit] Serenity (pilot)

[At the Battle of Serenity Valley, Mal talks to his troops.]
Mal: We have done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.
Bendis: We're gonna die.
Mal: We are not gonna die. You know why? Because we are so...very...pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw!
(Wash is playing with plastic dinosaurs.)
Wash: (as Stegosaurus) Yes...yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it...this land. (as Allosaur) I think we should call it your grave! (as Stegosaurus) Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! (as Allosaur) Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE! (as Stegosaurus) Oh no, God, oh dear God in heaven...
Jayne: Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?
Mal: I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct-tape her mouth, and… dump 'er in the hold for a month.
[A grinning Kaylee gives Mal a peck on the cheek.]
Kaylee: I love my captain.
Zoe: I know something ain't right.
Wash: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail.
[Badger refuses to take Alliance-branded cargo as was previously agreed upon]
Zoe: That's not fair.
Badger: Crime and politics, little girl. Situation is always...fluid.
Jayne: Only fluid I see here is the puddle of piss refusing to pay us our wage!
(After Badger abruptly backs out of the deal, Mal, Zoe and Jayne discuss where they can sell the cargo.)
Zoe: So the border planets?
Mal: I'm thinking Whitefall, maybe talk to Patience.
Zoe: Sir, we don't want to deal with Patience again.
Mal: Why not?
Zoe: She shot you.
Mal: Well, yeah, she did a bit.
...
Mal: Been a long time since Patience shot me, and that was due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interest. I got no grudge.
...
Mal: Did you send word to Patience?
Wash: Yeah, ain't heard back yet. Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everyone's makin' a fuss.
[Shepherd Book is checking the port for a ship, and meets Kaylee sitting on a lawn chair outside Serenity]
Kaylee: You're gonna come with us.
Book: Excuse me?
Kaylee: You like ships. You don't seem to be lookin' at the destinations. What you care about is the ships, and mine's the nicest.
Book: She don't look like much.
Kaylee: Oh, she'll fool ya.
[Shepherd Book visits Inara in her quarters.]
Inara: So. Would you like to lecture me the wickedness of my ways?
Book: I brought you some supper, but.… if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepared. Sin, and hellfire… one has lepers.
Inara (smiling): I think I'll pass.
[Mal has finally opened Simon's box to see what he considered so valuable, and finds a naked, cryogenically-frozen River]
Mal: (after a long pause) Huh.
[Simon threatens not to treat a gutshot Kaylee unless Serenity flees an incoming Alliance cruiser]
Zoe: You let her die, you'll never make it to the Feds.
Simon: She'll still be dead.
Mal: You rich kids. You think your lives are the only thing that matters. What'd you do? Kill your folks for the family fortune?
Simon: I don't kill people.
Mal: Then do your job!
Simon: Turn the ship around!
Inara: Enough! Mal, do it.
Mal: [dangerously] Don't you ever tell me what to --
[Kaylee cries in pain]
Mal: Zoe, Change course.
[After Doctor Simon Tam treats a gun-shot Kaylee, Mal decides to "do the job" and continue to Whitefall.]
Simon: What about us?
Mal: Kaylee comes through, you and your sister get off at Whitefall.
Simon: If she doesn't come through?
Mal: Well, then you're gettin' off a mite sooner.
[The crew waits quietly as a Reaver ship passes.]
Simon: What happens if they board us?
Zoe: If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.
[Dobson is tied up in his room]
Mal: I got to know how close the Alliance is, exactly how much you told them 'fore Wash scrambled your call. So I've given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne: [draws a huge knife] He was nonspecific as to how.
...
Mal: [to Jayne] Now, you've only got to scare him.
Jayne: Pain is scary.
(Mal and Patience have just finished setting up a meet on Whitefall.)
Mal: You know, I do believe that woman is planning to shoot me again.
...
Jayne: Here's a little concept I've been working on. Why don't we shoot her first?
Wash: It is her turn.
Jayne (over radio): Cap'n, cap'n, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through loud and clear.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.
[After beating Patience in a gun battle after she tried to double-cross him]
Mal: Now, I did a job. Got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character, so let me make this abundantly clear: I do the job, [snatches her coin purse from her] and I get paid. Go run your little world.
[After Wash executes a brilliant escape from the Reavers, Zoe turns to Mal.]
Zoe: Sir? I'd like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.
[She grabs Wash by the jacket and drags him off.]
Wash: Work, work, work…
Book: I've been out of the abbey two days, I've beaten a lawman senseless, I've fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong. I believe I just... I think I'm on the wrong ship.
Inara: Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be.
Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can...how do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me put this to you plainly: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me. And you'll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: I had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives.
Mal: We're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
Mal: It's enough.

[edit] The Train Job

[After a drunken Lund toasts to the Alliance, Mal goes to the bar for a quiet drink]
Lund: You gonna drink to the Alliance with me? Six years ago today, the Alliance sent the browncoats running, pissing their pants. You know... your coat's kind of a brownish color...
Mal: It was on sale. [drinks]
Lund: You didn't toast. You know, I'm thinking you're one of them Independents.
Mal: And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other until we go away?
Lund: The Independents were a bunch of inbred, cowardly piss-pots. Should've been killed off of every world spinnin'.
Mal: [turns] Say that to my face.
Lund: I said you're a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are you gonna do about it?
Mal: [smiles] Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.
[Lund turns, and Zoe knocks him out with the butt of her rifle]
Mal: Drunks are so cute.
[Mal and Zoe are back on the ship after barely escaping a losing barfight on Unification Day.]
Zoe: Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar come U-Day, lookin' for a quiet drink.
Mal: See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Breaks the heart.
[Mal washes his bloodied knuckles in the infirmary.]
Mal: I know they tell ya, you never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is, on occasion, hilarious.
Mal: Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flyin' with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies or some such?
Book: Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.
Mal: If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my boat - God ain't.
[Mal and Zoe make a disturbing discovery on during their train heist.]
Zoe: Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire Fed squad sitting on this train?
Mal: Doesn't concern us.
Zoe: It kinda concerns me.
. . .
Zoe: You don't think that changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun!
Zoe: Sir? I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
...
Mal: Hell, this job I would pull for free.
Zoe: Then can I have your share?
Mal: No.
Zoe: If you die, can I have your share?
Mal: Yes.
[The remaining Serenity crew argues about what to do with stolen goods, when River interrupts.]
River: [They] won't stop. They'll never stop. They'll just keep coming, until they get back what you took. Two by two, hands of blue.… two by two, hands of blue.…
[Jayne is demanding that Wash take off for the delivery without Mal and Zoe.]
Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here! Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe -- MAYBE we'll come back for those morons... got themselves caught... and you can't change that by getting all... bendy.
Wash: All what?
Jayne: You got the light... from the console to keep you... lifting you up... they shine like... [starts grabbing at the air] little angels...
[Jayne promptly falls flat onto the floor.]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.
[Mal sees Jayne sedated and sprawled out on a staircase]
Kaylee: We tried moving him to the infirmary, he's just heavy...
[Jayne, still sprawled out on the staircase, shoots Crow in the lower leg before he can stab Mal]
Mal: Nice shot.
Jayne: [slurred] I was aimin' for his head.
[A tied-up Crow is made to kneel outside Serenity as it prepares to lift off]
Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You give it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves -- well, we are thieves, but the point is we're not taking what's his. We'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You'll explain that's best for everyone, okay?
Crow: [stands up] Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly -- I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: Darn. [kicks Crow into Serenity's engine intake]
[Cut to another henchman being placed before Mal]
Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance--
Henchman: Oh, I get it! I'm good. Best thing for everybody. [desperate grin] I'm right there with you.

[edit] Bushwhacked

[Serenity's crew and passengers are playing a kind of "spaceball" when an alarm sounds.]
Zoe: Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.
Wash: [alarmed.] Oh my god! What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's FLYING this thing?! [deadpan.] Oh right, that would be me. Uh, back to work.
Jayne: [referring to a derelict vessel in space] If there's folks on board who needed help, why aren't they beaming no distress call?
Zoe: It's true. There's no beacon.
Mal: Which means it's likely no one's looking to find her.
Book: All the more reason for us to do the right thing.
Jayne: How's about you just say a prayer and we slide on by?
Book: [to Mal] Shall I remind you of the story of the Good Samaritan?
Mal: I'd rather you didn't, but we'll check it out. Could be survivors. But if not, well, then we might as well take a look around and see if there's something of value they might have left behind.
Jayne: Yeah! No, uh... someone could be hurt!
Jayne: [to Simon] Where do you think you're headed?
Simon: I thought I'd offer my services. [intently watching Mal and Zoe suit up] ...in case anyone on board required medical attention.
Jayne: Cap'n and Zoe are going in first, we'll holler if we need you... something wrong?
Simon: Uh... no, I suppose it's just the thought of a little mylar and glass being the only thing separating a person from... nothing.
Jayne: It's impressive what nothing can do to a man.
Jayne: [to Simon] Grab your medkit, let's hoof it. Mal wants us over there on the double.
...
Mal: [to Simon] Uh, hi. What are you doing here, and what's with the suit?
[Jayne begins laughing]
[After Jayne shoots an attacker, Mal finds him hiding behind a fan grate.]
Mal: No one's gonna hurt you.
Survivor: No. No mercy. No!
Mal: Any.… more than we already did.
...
Survivor: No mercy. No mercy-
Mal: [soothingly] We got lots of mercy. Lots. [punches survivor in the jaw, rendering him unconscious]
...
Simon: [dryly.] Oh, yes. He's a real beast! It's a wonder you're still alive.
Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.
Mal: [referring to the survivor] Charity would be putting a bullet in his brainpan.
Mal: Reavers ain't men — or they forgot how to be.
[Kaylee contemplates bypassing a boobytrap.]
Kaylee: Sure. Yeah. [long pause.] I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, it's.… not like you'll be able to yell at me.
[Alliance Commander Harken discovers the brother-and-sister fugitive alert provides little information to help them.]
Harken: Well, I'm not about to have these surprises on a routine check. We run into these two, we shoot first. The brass can sort it out later.
[Commander Harken questions the crew.]
Harken: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?
Zoe: Fought with a lot of people in the war.
Harken: And your husband?
Zoe: Fight with him sometimes, too.
Harken: Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage?
Zoe: Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people.
[Cut to Zoe's husband, Wash.]
Wash: The legs! [laughs.] Oh yeah, [I] definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and right where her legs.… meet her back. Tha— actually, that whole area. That, and… and above it. […] Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?
Harken: Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.
Mal: May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
Mal: That poor bastard you took off my ship. He looked right into the face of it — was made to stare.
Harken: "It"?
Mal: That darkness. Kind of darkness you can't even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through.
Harken: Very poetic.
Mal: They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn't let him. You call him a survivor? He's not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.
Jayne: You save his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn.
Mal: He had to. Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized.

[edit] Shindig

[While Jayne plays virtual pool with a disreputable type, Mal chats quietly with Inara.]
Inara: I like watching the game. As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back.
. . .
[Mal reveals he has stolen a large sum of money from one of the men, a slave trader]
Inara: Mal!
Mal: Oh, terrible shame. 'Course, they won't discover it till they go order their next round of drinks.
[A hand slaps down on Mal's shoulder.]
Slaver: Wei.
Mal: [out loud] Good drinker, that one.
Zoe: Planet's coming up a mite fast.
Wash: That's just 'cause- I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
[As the ship begins to shake, Mal calmly leaves.]
Mal: Well, [if] that happens, let me know.
Mal: It sounds like the finest party I can imagine getting paid to go to.
Inara: I don't suppose you'd find it up to [the] standards of your outings. More conversation, and somewhat less.… petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.
Kaylee: Look at the fluffy one!
Zoe: Too much foofaraw. If I'm gonna wear a dress, I want something with some slink.
Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
[Zoe laughs.]
Jayne: I'll chip in.
[Zoe turns to Jayne, still laughing.]
Zoe: I can hurt you.
[Badger "invites" Mal and Jayne to a palaver.]
Badger: Course you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I've got my hands on a couple.
[Mal and Jayne grin.]
Badger: Of invites!
. . .
Badger: You think you're better than other people!
Mal: Just the ones I'm better than.
[At the ball, Inara and her wealthy escort, Atherton Wing, are dancing.]
Atherton: You belong here, Inara, not on a flying piece of go-se. You see that, don't you?
Inara: Atherton, language!
. . .
["Miss Kaywinnit Lee Frye and escort" are announced. Kaylee enters, with Mal in tow.]
Inara: Oh, go-se.
Mal: Does, uh, this seem kinda tight?
Kaylee: Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It's hovering.
[...]
Kaylee: These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I, how about that?
Mal: Just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery, and you're supposed to make me look respectable.
Kaylee: Yes sir, Cap'n Tight-pants.
Mal: Okay, help me find our man. He's supposed to be older, kind of stocky, wears a red sash crossways.
Kaylee: Why does he do that?
Mal: Maybe he won the Miss Persephone pageant. Just help me look.
Kaylee (seeing a large bowl of strawberries being carried past her): Is that him?
Mal: That's the buffet table.
Kaylee: Well, how can we be sure, u-unless we question it? [grins]
Mal: Fine. Don't make yourself sick.
[After love-making, Zoe just wants to sleep.]
Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character, ask anyone.
Zoe: It is not!
Wash: You're acting Captain. You know what happens, you fall asleep?
Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over?
Wash: That's right.
Zoe: And we can't stop it?
Wash: I wash my hands of it. Hopeless case. I'll read a nice poem at the funeral. Something with imagery.
Zoe: You could lock the door. Keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.
Wash: Don't know. I'm starting to like this poetry thing. "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower… somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross-" [Zoe hits him with a pillow]
[Mal talks to Sir Warrick Harrow about Badger's offer.]
Sir Warrick: I know him. And I think he's a psychotic low-life.
Mal: And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic low-life community.
Mal: My work's illegal, but at least it's honest.
Gentleman: If you require it, any gentleman here can give you the use of a sword.
Mal: Use of a s-what?
Mal: And I never back down from a fight.
Inara: Yes, you do! You do all the time!
Mal: Well.... yeah, but I'm not backing down from this one!
Inara: You don't need strength as much as speed. We're fragile creatures. It takes less than a pound of pressure to cut skin.
Mal: You know that? They teach you that in whore academy?
Inara: You have a strange sense of nobility, Captain. You'll lay a man out for implying I'm a whore, but you keep calling me one to my face.
Mal: I might not show respect to your job, but he didn't respect you. That's the difference. Inara, he doesn't even see you.
Inara: Well, I guess death will solve the issue to everyone's satisfaction.
[Badger and his crew have occupied Serenity until Mal returns]
Jayne: What we need is a diversion.....Zoe could get naked.
Wash: No.
Jayne: I could get naked.
Everyone: No!
[Badger notices River wandering into the cargo bay]
Badger: Who's that, then? Here, look at me. What's your story, love?
Simon: She's just a...just a passenger.
Badger: Yeah? Why ain't she talkin'? Got a secret?
Simon: No, I'm-
River: (suddenly speaking in Badger's own Cockney accent) Sure. I got a secret. More'n one. Don't seem like I'd tell 'em to you, now, do it? Anyone off Dyton colony knows better'n to talk to strangers. (pokes Badger in the chest) You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, ain't ya? I've met a dozen like you. Skipped off home early. Minor graft jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim. And you're what? A petty thief with delusions o' standing? Sad little king of a sad little hill.
Badger: (flustered at River's accurate "reading" of him) Nice to see someone from the old homestead.
River: Not really. (to Simon) call me if anyone interesting shows up.
[as she leaves, Badger grins]
Badger: I like her.
Jayne: (whispering to the crew) That there. Exactly the kinda diversion we coulda used.
Inara: You're always breaking the rules, no matter which society you're in! You don't get along with ordinary criminals either, which is why you're constantly getting in trouble!
Mal: You think following the rules will buy you a nice life, even if the rules make you a slave.
[Mal refuses to kill the prone, humiliated Atherton.]
Sir Warrick: You have to finish it, lad. [Mal doesn't move] You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward.
Inara: It's humiliation.
Mal: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man.
[He lightly stabs Atherton.]
Mal: Guess I'm just a good man.
[He repeats the poking.]
Mal: Well, I'm all right.
. . .
Sir Warrick: You know, you didn't have to wound that man.
Mal: Yeah, I know. It was just funny.
Inara: Are you in pain?
Mal: Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know, right here. [shows bandaged wound in his side]
Inara: [squeamishly] Eh— I saw.
Mal: Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough.
Inara: It wasn't entirely a disaster.
Mal: I got stabbed! Right here!
Inara: You also lined up exciting new crime.
. . .
Inara: I wasn't gonna stay, you know.
Mal: Yeah? Why's that?
Inara: Oh, someone needs to keep Kaylee out of trouble. And all my things are here. Besides, why would I want to leave Serenity?
Mal: Can't think of a reason.
[The camera zooms out to reveal a herd of cattle milling about the cargo hold.]

[edit] Safe

[In a flashback, a young River plays behind a couch while Simon works on a computer pad.]
Young River: We got outflanked by the Independent squad, and we're never gonna make it back to our platoon. [pauses] We need to resort to cannibalism.
Young Simon: That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything?
. . .
[River glances at her brother's homework.]
Young River: That's wrong.
Young Simon: It's from the book, River.
Young River: No, the book is wrong. This whole conclusion is fallacious.
[Simon and River whine about getting a dedicated "source box".]
Gabriel Tam: I will not have it in my house. But, since your mother's already ordered you one, I guess I should give up the fantasy that this is my house!
[In the present day, River is violently refusing to cooperate with Simon's diagnostic tests.]
Mal: So, she's added cussing and hurling-about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.
Simon: It's just a bad day.
Mal: No, a "bad day" is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a… a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd.
Simon: She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle.
Mal: No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed — although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't.
River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.
[Simon steps in a cowpie as Jayne drives the cargo of cattle out of the ship.]
Jayne: About time you broke in them fancy shoes. Hyah! Get along!
Mal: You know… they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I like smackin' 'em.
. . .
Zoe: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.
River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are.
Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?
Simon: I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.
Inara: Does it seem every supply store on every 'water planet has the same five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of… what is this? A duck?
Kaylee: That's a swan. I like it.
Inara: You do?
[Kaylee strokes the swan carving.]
Kaylee: Looks like it was made with… you know, longing. Made by a person really longed to see a swan.
Inara: Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description.
[Simon whines to engineer Kaylee about life on Serenity.]
Simon: It's fun, being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy. To get to live on a piece of luh-suh wreck. And we eat molded protein! And be bullied around by our pyen juh duh jiou cha[o] w[r]en of a captain. That's fun.
Kaylee: "Luh-suh"?! Serenity ain't "Luh-suh".
Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hey, there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?
Zoe: I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here.
Mal: Better go take their money.
[Shepherd (preacher) Book has been shot.]
Book: That's… that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?
Mal: Just means you ain't dead.
Book: 'Fraid I might be needing a preacher.
Mal: That's good. You just lie there and be ironical.
River: We're lost. Lost in the woods.
Zoe: Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.
[Jayne, in the process of ransacking Simon's belongings, pretends to read Simon's journal.]
Jayne: "Dear Diary: Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. [flips page] Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."
Zoe: Cap'n'll come up with a plan.
Kaylee: Well, that's good. Right?
Zoe: Possible you're not recalling some of his previous plans.
Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap'n?
Mal: Absolutely. [pauses] What's "sanguine" mean?
Zoe: "Sanguine". Hopeful. Plus, point of interest: it also means "bloody".
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?
Alliance Commander: Your official seal is out of date, Captain... Harbatken?
[Mal appeals to Alliance cruiser Magellan's commander for urgent medical help for Book.]
Alliance Commander: We aren't an emergency facility, Captain. Our services aren't available simply to anyone—
Book: Com… mander… my… ident card.
[The commander examines his card. His eyes widen.]
Alliance Commander: Get this man to the infirmary at once.
[Mal and Zoe stare at each other.]
[Simon and River have been kidnapped by the hill folk.]
Doralee: A place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet, safe… a place where folks take care of each other.
Simon: Mmm, yes. Seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers.
[Mal, Zoe, and Jayne watch Book's operation just outside Magellan's surgery room.]
Jayne: This place gives me an uncomfortableness.
River: I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much. And… some of it's made up, and… some of it can't be quantified, and… there's secrets… and…
Simon: It's okay.
River: But I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me. You found me broken. It's hard for you. [breaking] You gave up everything you had.
Simon: Mei-mei. Everything I have… is right here.
. . .
River: We won't be here long. Daddy will come, and take us home. And I'll get better. I'll get better.
Simon: It's been a big day, what with the abduction, and all.
[Doralee reacts in alarm to River's ability to discern her young mute charge's tragedy.]
Doralee: "And they shall be among the people, and they shall speak truths and whisper secrets, and you will know them by their crafts."
Simon: What are you talking about?
Doralee: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!"
[Flashback to an adult Simon, detained by the authorities and facing his angry father.]
Gabriel Tam: Have you completely lost your mind?
Simon: Pretty nearly.
Gabriel Tam: We got the wave at the Friedlichs. I had to leave your mother at the dinner table!
Simon: I'm sorry, Dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk!
Mal: They let us come, and they let us go. What kind of ident card gets us that kind of reception and send-off?
Book: I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God.
Mal: No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.
[Simon pleads with the hill folk, who have tied River to a stake, preparing to burn her.]
Simon: She has done nothing to you! If she dies tonight, it won't be God's will that killed her! It'll be you! Your lunacy, your… ignorance!
. . .
[Unable to free his sister, Simon climbs onto the pyre and holds River.]
Simon: Light it.
River: Time to go.
[A blast of wind signals the arrival of Serenity. Jayne cocks a shotgun from the cargo hold while Mal and Zoe approach on foot.]
Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just?
Mal: Sorry to interrupt, folks, but y'all got something that belongs to us, and we'd like it back.
Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will.
Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. [but] It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting.
[Mal turns to Simon.]
Mal: Gotta say, Doctor — your talent for alienatin' folks is near miraculous.
Simon: Yes, I'm very proud.
[Mal addresses the crowd again.]
Mal: Cut her down!
Patron: The girl is a witch.
Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch. [cocks gun] So cut her the hell down.
Simon: So, finally a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I'm sorry.
Mal: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.
Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us?
Mal: You're on my crew.
Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?
Mal: You're on my crew. Why're we still talking about this?
[Simon and River enter the common room as Mal is telling a joke over dinner.]
Mal: So then the Shepherd says to the Companion, "Well, a good goat'll do that."

[edit] Our Mrs. Reynolds

[Horse-mounted bandits accost a Conestoga wagon-like raft, driven by Jayne and a hunched-over woman.]
Bandit: You gonna give us what's due us. And every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.
Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
[The "woman" looks up — it's Mal in a dress.]
Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier I would!
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago!
[Mal and Jayne get the draw on the bandits.]
Mal: Now think real hard. You been bird-doggin' this township awhile now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now, you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.
Inara: So… explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There's a whole… airflow.
Inara: And you'd know that because…?
Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.
Inara: [laughs] Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question.
Mal: Zoe, would you get Wash?
Zoë: [on the intercom] This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: "All"? I said Wash!
Zoe: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
Mal: There's no bliss. I don't know this girl!
Jayne: Then can I know her?
Zoe: Jayne! Don't sully this.
Mal: You are going to be cleaning out latrines with your face if you don't cut that out.
[Mal's insensitive remarks and horror at being wed have reduced his new bride to tears.]
Wash: You brute.
Kaylee: Oh, sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.
Mal: I'm not a monster!
[Mal is alarmed about his new bride's expectations and attitudes.]
Mal: Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!
Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Book: [walking away, pauses and looks at Mal] ...the special hell.
[Wash and Zoe find Mal enjoying Saffron's culinary skills.]
Wash: Is there any more where that came from?
Saffron: [to Mal] I didn't think to make enough for your friends… [to Zoe] but everything's laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband.
[Wash turns to Zoe, who gives him a look.]
Wash: [nervously] Z— heh-heh… Isn't she quaint? I'm just not hungry.
Zoe: So… are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl?
Mal: She wanted to make me dinner. Well, at least she's not cryin'.
Wash: I might. Did she really make fresh bao?
[Zoe gives him another look.]
Wash: Quaint!
Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?
Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump.
Zoe: No one's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.
[Wash and Zoe discuss Saffron's oddities.]
Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God. Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled.
[Jayne menacingly approaches Mal with a huge weapon.]
Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. The best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger. Double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun.
[He hands it to Mal.]
Mal: Da-shiong bao-jah-shr duh la doo-tze… Are you offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, that's theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy'n what you got.
Mal: What I got? She has a name!
Jayne: So does this! [caresses the gun lovingly] I call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.
Mal: Jayne, go play with your rainstick.
[Mal is disconcerted to find Saffron in his bed, wearing only a bedsheet.]
Saffron: But we've been wed. Aren't… we to become one flesh?
Mal: Well, no, uh… we're still two fleshes here, and… I think… that your flesh oughta… sleep somewhere else.
Saffron: I'm sorry. When we talked, I'd hoped, but I—
[She gestures with her hands, losing the sheet. Mal turns away.]
Mal: Whoa, hey! Flesh. Um… Saffron… i-it… it ain't a question of pleasing me. It's more a question of what's…
[Mal, breathing heavily, strains not to look at the naked woman.]
Mal: … um… of what's morally right.
Saffron: I do know my Bible, sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast." [N]
[Cut to Mal, who is openly staring now.]
Mal: Whoa. Good Bible.
. . .
Mal: … it's been a while — a long, damn while — since anybody but me took ahold of my plow…
. . .
[Saffron stands up from the bed and slowly approaches a stunned Mal.]
Saffron: If I'm wed, I'm a woman, and I'll take your leave to be bold. I want this. I swell to think of you in me.
[She looks down.]
Saffron: And I see that you do, too.
Mal: Oh, th-th— that's just, uh…
Saffron: Leave me at the nearest port. Never look upon me again. I'll make my way with the strength that you've taught me. Only let me have my wedding night.
Mal: [resignedly] Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.
Mal: [After kissing Saffron he begins rubbing his mouth] Son of a... [falls over unconscious]
Inara: [After kissing Mal when she discovers he is not dead. She begins rubbing her mouth in a similar way] Oh you stupid son of a... [she also falls over unconscious]
[After closing the bridge door, Saffron grabs Wash's hand and pulls him close. They stare at the stars.]
Saffron: Do you know the myth of Earth-That-Was?
Wash: Not so much.
Saffron: That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her…
Wash: Huh.
Saffron: … making the oceans boil with sensation. And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky.
Wash: Whoa. Good myth.
. . .
Saffron: Make this night what it should be. Please? Show me the stars.
Wash: Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh… I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not… married, not… madly in love with a beautiful woman who… can… kill me with her pinkie!
[Simon describes how Saffron's lip-delivered drug is well-known to doctors.]
Simon: They called it the "good-night" kiss.
Zoe: So you two were kissin'?
Book: Well, isn't that… special?
Zoe: If she can fly this thing, why just take the shuttle?
Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles.
[Everyone stares at him.]
Wash: Some people juggle geese!
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.
[Mal is somewhat relieved to hear Inara describe Saffron as Companion Academy-trained. He points at a disapproving Book.]
Mal: You woulda kissed her too.
Zoe: Wash didn't.
Mal: But she was naked! And all… articulate!
Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.
[Jayne takes aim at the Net with his favorite weapon.]
Jayne: See, Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.
Saffron: You gonna kill me?
Mal: Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to?
Saffron: I didn't kill you.
Mal: You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys you nothing.
Saffron: [smiles] I made you dinner.
Saffron: How'd you find me?
Mal: Only a couple places that shuttle would make it to from where you left… happy to find it intact.
Saffron: You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds. [Seductively] I've been waiting a long time for someone good enough to take me down.
Mal: Saffron, you even think about playing me again I will riddle you with holes.
Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That's all anybody ever does. We play parts.

[edit] Jaynestown

[Kaylee has expressed her belief that Simon doesn't swear]
Simon: I swear… when it's appropriate.
Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate.
[Companion Inara leaves for an appointment.]
Kaylee: Bye now. Have good sex.
[Jayne is in the infirmary, taping a gun to his midriff]
Simon: What... happened in here?
Jayne: Needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Jayne: [Looks around himself] Apparently.
Simon: My God. You're like a trained ape... without the training!
Mal: Jayne, I told you we were settin' down on the Canton factories down on Higgins' Moon?
Jayne: Yep, that ya did.
Mal: Canton don't allow guns in their town.
Jayne: Yes sir, s'why I ain't strappin' one to my hip.
Mal: No, that's why you ain't strappin' one anywhere.
Jayne: Oh, listen Mal, I was in Canton a few years back. Might've made me a few enemies thereabouts.
Simon (sarcastically): Enemies? You? No, how can it be?
Simon: Canton really...stinks.
Mal: That's what makes it just a good drop point. No one comes through here that doesn't have to.
Wash: I vote we do this job really really fast.
Mal: The management here don't take too kindly to sightseers, [which is] why we're posin' as buyers. There ain't-a one of us looks the part more than the good doctor. I mean, the pretty fits, soft hands, definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over—
Simon: All right! Fine, I'll go. Just… stop describing me.
Mal: You're the boss, boss.
Foreman: We've over 2,000 workers, mostly indentured. We pay them next to nothing. That way, we can pass the savings directly on to you, the customer.
. . .
[Simon struggles to keep up with the foreman.]
Simon: Yes. I… I-I've heard great, uh… um, uh… things about mud…
[Wash turns to Kaylee.]
Wash: What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?
[Jayne, dressed in a bulky hooded coat and goggles, keeps his head down as they walk past the workers.]
Wash: You haven't been here in years, Jayne. You really think you need that getup? No one's gonna remember you.
Mal: I think it's possible they might.
[They all look up to see an elevated, life-sized mud statue of Jayne.]
Simon: Son of a bitch!
. . .
Mal: You wanna tell me how come there's a statue here, lookin' at me like I owe him something?
Jayne: Wishin' I could, cap'n.
Mal: No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me--?
Jayne: Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don't... put you on a pedestal in town square for that.
Mal: Yeah, 'cept I'm looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.
[Simon is just staring at the statue]
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
Wash: I think they captured him, though. Captured his essence.
Kaylee: He looks sorta angry, don't he?
Wash: That's kinda what I meant.
Jayne: Hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?
Mal: I don't know. This here's a spectacle that might warrant a moment's consideration.
Kaylee: Wherever I move to, his eyes keep... followin' me.
Inara: Magistrate Higgins, I presume.
Higgins: You may. But I only make the people I own use my title. Mister Higgins will do fine.
[Shepherd Book prepares a meal as he absentmindedly addresses River.]
Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.
Book: I, um… What?
[Pan over to River, who works on a book with pens, brushes, and loose pages.]
River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics… doesn't make sense.
Book: No, no. You - you can't...
River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem.
Book: Really?
River: We'll have to call it "early quantum state phenomenon". Only way to fit 5,000 species of mammals on the same boat.
. . .
Book: River, you don't… fix the Bible.
River: It's broken. It doesn't make sense.
Book: It's not about… making sense. It's about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.
Jayne: Can't be a statue of me, no reason for it. Flies in the face of every kinda sense.
Wash: Won't argue with that. [Drinks, then spits it out] Je shr shuh muh lan dong shi?!
Jayne: Mm. They call it "Mudder's milk". All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.
Mudder (singing): He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor / Stood up to the man and he gave him what-for / Our love for him now ain't hard to explain / The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!
[Sitting in a bar, listening to "The Ballad of Jayne Cobb" being sung]
Mal:Uh, Jayne?
Jayne: Yeah, Mal?
Mal: You got any light you'd like to shed on this particular development?
Jayne: No, Mal.
. . .
Simon: No. This must be what going mad feels like.
. . .
Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero!
[Simon and Kaylee, both drunk, chat during the town's toasting of its hero, Jayne.]
Simon: I— I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: Hamsters is nice.
Simon: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
[A drunken Jayne stumbles down the stairs, entwined with a local girl.]
Jayne: [singing] "The hero of Canton, the man they call 'me'." [speaking] Eggs! The living legend needs eggs!
[River is hiding from Book, freaked out by his enormous unbundled mane of white hair.]
River: They say the snow on the roof is too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
Book: River? Please, why don't you come on out?
River: No! Can't. Too much hair.
Book: Is--is that it?
Zoe: Hell, yes, preacher. If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with her.
. . .
Zoe: River, honey, he's putting the hair away now.
[Book starts to tie his hair back.]
River: Doesn't matter. It'll still be there. Waiting.
[Jayne learns what extent the mudders went to show their devotion to Jayne]
Jayne: (overcome by emotion) You guys had a riot....on account of me? My very own riot?
Mal: So, that's where the little "Jayne Day Celebration" we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.
Jayne: I don't know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal: You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne: No, really, Mal, I mean, maybe there's something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know -- me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal: I know your name, jackass!
[Inara's client, Fess Higgins, tells her about an upcoming hearing for a criminal.]
Fess: He stole a ton of money from my dad and gave it to the poor, to my father's workers. He's become kind of a folk hero in Canton.
Inara: Go on.
Fess: Well, he's back. Apparently, he landed here yesterday.
Inara: Yesterday? [to herself] Oh, no. [to Fess] I-I know this man. He's… He just has this idiotic sense of nobility, you know? He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting, but… there's a side to him that's just so…
Fess: You mean you actually know… Jayne?
[Long pause.]
Inara: Jayne? Jayne Cobb? You're talking about Jayne Cobb?
Jayne: [Addressing the collected Mudders] Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-heel 'Verse. But you took that end, and you... [pause] Well, you took it. And that's - Well, I guess that's somethin'.
[Jayne's ravaged former partner, Stitch Hessian, confronts him at the celebration.]
Stitch: For six months, we run together. He turned me out 'fore I could scream!
Jayne: You'd-a done the same.
Stitch: No. Never. You protect the man you're with. You watch his back! Everybody knows that! Well, except the "hero of Canton".
[Jayne is horrified after a young Mudder's sacrifice to save him.]
Jayne: All of you! You think there's someone just gonna drop money on ya?! Money they could use?! Well, there ain't people like that. There's just people like me.
[A tidied-up Book stops by to talk to River, who is still "fixing" the Bible.]
River: Just keep walkin', preacher-man.
[Simon tries to explain himself to Kaylee.]
Simon: I mean, my way of being… polite, or however it's… Well, it's the only way I have of… showing you… that I like you. I'm showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when… we made love last night…
Simon: When we what?!
[Kaylee grins.]
Kaylee: You really are such an easy mark.
Mal: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what they need.

[edit] Out of Gas

[Flashback to Mal trying to sell Zoe on the worthiness of his new ship.]
Zoe: Sir... you paid money for this? On purpose?
...
Mal: Ship like this, be with you till the day you die.
Zoe: Because it's a death trap.
. . .
Mal: Try to see past what she is, and on to what she can be.
Zoe: What's that, sir?
Mal: Freedom, is what.
Zoe: [pointing] I meant, what's that?
Mal: Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think something must've been living in here.
Mal: I tell you, Zoe, we get a mechanic, get her runnin' again, hire a good pilot, maybe a cook - live like real people. Small crew, them as feel the need to be free, take jobs as they come, ain't never have to be under the heel of nobody ever again. No matter how long the arm of the Alliance might get... we'll just get ourselves a little further.
Zoe: Get her running again?
Mal: Yeah.
Zoe: So not running now?
Mal: Not so much.
[In near-present day, Wash comes in late to hear Book's dinner-table tales.]
Wash: Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.
. . .
[Simon is unable to quickly convey a funny story about being a doctor]
Jayne: [interrupting] What about Inara? Bet she's got some funny whoring stories.
Inara: Do I ever! Funny and sexy. You have no idea... and you never will.
. . .
[The crew surprises Simon with a birthday cake.]
Simon: How did… how did you know? River, did you…?
River: "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement, based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. [pauses] I didn't get you anything.
. . .
Kaylee: Hope you like it. Couldn't get a hold of no flour, so it's mostly protein. In fact, it's pretty much what we just had for supper. But I tried to make the frosting as chocolate-y tasting as possible.
Simon: I'm really, um, I'm very, very deeply moved. Thank you.
Jayne: Well… deeply move yourself to blow out them candles, so we can try a slice.
[After the fire is contained, Kaylee reports on the accident.]
Kaylee: Catalyzer on the port compression coil blew. It's where the trouble started.
Mal: Okay, I need that in captain dummy-talk, Kaylee.
Kaylee: We're dead in the water.
. . .
[Kaylee discusses the loss of life support, especially oxygen.]
Mal: How long?
Kaylee: A couple of hours, maybe. We'll start to feel it… and then we won't feel nothin' at all.
Simon: Suffocation's not exactly the most dignified way to go. The human body will involuntarily—
Inara: Please, I don't really require a clinical description right now.
Simon: I'm sorry. I just, uh… It was my birthday.
[River peeks in on Book, who is reading his Bible.]
River: You're afraid we're going to run out of air. That we'll die gasping. But we won't. That's not going to happen.
[Book looks up at her, hopefully.]
River: We'll freeze to death first.
Kaylee: Sometimes, something gets broke...can't be fixed.
Mal: I'm gettin' a little weary of this attitude, Wash.
Wash: [chuckling] Are you? Well, I'm so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy.
. . .
[The coversation continues in a shouting fashion.]
Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to! And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat—
Wash: And what?! Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the transmitter… whatever.
Wash: Divert the— Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!
Mal: It'd give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes! It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation!
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.
[Mal stares at Wash. Wash stares back, realization dawning and still shouts:]
Wash: Well, maybe I should do that then!
[Flashback to Serenity's' early days, with a mechanic named Bester, whom Mal catches in flagrante delicto.]
Mal: Get your prairie harpy off my boat, and put us back in the air.
Bester: Okay-y, but… can't.
Mal: What do you mean, "can't"?
Bester: No can do, Cap. Secondary grav boot's shot.
[Bester's local girlfriend calls out from behind the engine, where she's getting dressed again.]
Kaylee: No it ain't! Ain't nothing wrong with your grav boot. Grav boot's just fine. [waves to Mal] Hello!
Bester: She doesn't… eh, that's not what… [to Kaylee] No it ain't!
Kaylee: Sure it is! Grav boot ain't your trouble. I seen the trouble plain as day when I was down there on my back before. Your reg couple's bad.
. . .
Mal: You got much experience with a vessel like this?
Kaylee: I never even been up in one before.
Mal: Wanna?
Kaylee: You mean…
Mal: Sure.
Kaylee: For how long?
Mal: Long as you like. Long as you can keep her in the sky.
Kaylee: You offerin' me a job?
Bester: W-w-w— what?
Mal: Believe I just did.
[Kaylee grins.]
Kaylee: I just gotta ask my folks. Don't leave without me!
[She runs off.]
Bester: Mal! What do you need two mechanics for?
Mal: I really don't.
[Back in near-present day, Mal "prepares" Inara's shuttle.]
Mal: I'm not leaving Serenity.
Inara: Mal, you don't have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.
[Flashback to Inara leasing the shuttle. Mal wonders why a registered Companion would associate with smugglers.]
Mal: If it's Alliance trouble you got, you might want to consider another ship. Some on board here fought for the Independents.
Inara: The Alliance has no quarrel with me. I supported unification.
Mal: Did ya? Well, I don't suppose you're the only whore who did.
Inara: [smiling] Oh — one further addendum. That's the last time you get to call me "whore".
Mal: Absolutely! Never again.
[Flashback to Mal's years-earlier encounter with three bandits, one of whom is Jayne.]
Mal: Which one do you figure tracked us?
Zoe: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: [pauses] Could you be more specific?
. . .
[Figuring out it was Jayne who tracked them, Mal offers him a better cut of the goods]
Mal: Look, forget anything I said. I'm sure you're treated very well. All the perks? Got your own room?
[Jayne looks dejected]
Mal: No? You share a bunk?
Jayne: [indicates third bandit] With that one.
Marco: Jayne, this ain't funny!
Jayne: Yeah, and I ain't laughing.
Mal: Tell you what. You move over to this side, we'll not only show you where the stuff's at -- we'll see you get what you deserve. No sad seven.
Jayne: [piqued] Private room?
Marco: Jayne!
Mal: Your own room. Full run of the kitchen. Whole shot.
Marco: Jayne, I ain't asking-
[Jayne shoots Marco in the leg and aims at the other bandit without looking]
Jayne: Shut up. [to Mal] How big a room?
[Back in the near-present day, Mal gets the drop on the treacherous captain trying to take his ship after being shot.]
Captain: You woulda done the same.
Mal: We can already see I haven't.
[Back in the present day, with Serenity fixed, Mal finds himself dazed in the company of his crew and passengers.]
Mal: You all gonna be here when I wake up?
Book: We'll be here.
Mal: Good. That's good.
[As Mal falls asleep, he experiences another flashback, to a used spaceship yard.]
Salesman: Yup. Real beauty, ain't she? Yes sir.
[The rocket-shaped vessel that the salesman is trying to sell Mal comes into view.]
Salesman: Tell you what. You buy this ship - treat her proper - she'll be with you for the rest of your life.
[But Mal has his attention caught by something else.]
Salesman: Son? Hey, son?
[As we follow Mal's point of view, we see a battered old Firefly, someday to become "Serenity," sitting on the other side of the lot.]
Salesman: You hear a word I been sayin'?

[edit] Ariel

[The crew talks about their upcoming visit to core planet Ariel while they eat.]
Wash: Big stop just to renew your license to Companion. Can I use "Companion" as a verb?
. . .
[Jayne hocks some spit to help sharpen his knife.]
Simon: Could you not do that while we're… ever?
[Jayne spits again]
Wash: So, two days in a hospital? That's awful! Don't you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey!
[Unobserved by anyone, River pulls a huge carving knife out of the kitchen rack.]
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let's not be excludin' people. [grins] That'd be rude.
[Suddenly, River slashes Jayne in the chest.]
. . .
River: He looks better in red.
[Coached by Simon, the crew prepares to impersonate emergency medical technicians.]
Mal: Patients were cynical, and not responding, and we couldn't bring 'em back.
Simon: They were cyanotic…
Mal: They were cyanotic…
Simon: … and not responsive…
Mal: … not responded— responsive…
Simon: … and we were unable to…
Zoe: Res—
Mal: Resuscitate them!
. . .
Simon: Which methods did you use?
Zoe: We— we tried pulmonary stimulators, and— and cardiac… we…
Simon: Infusers.
Zoe: Infusers!
. . .
Simon: What about cortical electrodes?
Jayne: Oh! [long pause] We forget 'em.
Simon: Let's try that again.
. . .
Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapitated—
Simon: Dilated.
Mal: Dilated. Dilated! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng! Shiny.
. . .
Jayne: Unable to get a neural…
Simon: Response.
Jayne: Response! Hell, I don't know. If I wanted schooling, I'd-a gone to school.
[The newly-minted "ambulance" opens, and the three faux EMTs emerge.]
Simon: If I didn't know better, I'd say you're ready to save some lives!
Mal: Now all we need are a couple o' patients.
Simon: Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.
[Mal worries about Jayne's commitment to the comatose Simon and River.]
Mal: Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.
. . .
Jayne: The doc did good, comin' up with that job. Don't mean I like 'im any better. Nothing buys bygones quicker than cash. Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.
[The faux EMTs wheel in their body containers, ready to do their spiel to get them to the morgue.]
Emergency Nurse: What do you got?
Mal: Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there—
Emergency Nurse: Take them down to the morgue.
[Mal looks at his stunned team. Zoe begins to wheel her container in, but Jayne just stands there.]
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!
[A doctor is hassling "EMT" Mal for his insubordination.]
Doctor: You must be new. Don't get comfortable. Your type doesn't last long here. When your supervisor hears about the rude and disresp— AGHHH!
[He collapses. Behind him, Zoe lowers defibrillator paddles.]
Zoe: Clear.
[On the diagnostic table, River screams.]
River: No! No! No. They come out of the black. They come when you call.
Simon: River, it's okay— it's, it's over. We're leaving.
[River looks straight at Jayne.]
River: Your toes are in the sand.
Jayne: And your head's up your—
Simon: Hey! Back off.
[Mal and Zoe wheel out the medicine-laden containers.]
Wash: How much did we get?
Mal: Enough to keep us flying.
Zoe: Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
Wash: Maybe a naked beach?
[Wash and Zoe go into a passionate embrace.]
Mal: Cut it out! The job's not done till we're back on Serenity.
Zoe: Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.
[Simon thanks Jayne for his apparent resistance to arrest, unaware that Jayne had called in the feds himself.]
Simon: I appreciate you trying.
Jayne: You know what I'd appreciate? You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me.
[As the two blue-gloved men slaughter the feds, nearby, River starts to panic and run.]
River: Two by two, hands of blue.... two by two, hands of blue....
[Jayne fires a fed's rifle at a locked door, but it has no effect.]
Jayne: Shee-niou high-tech Alliance crap!
[Inara returns from her Companion checkup to find Kaylee the sole inhabitant of Serenity.]
Inara: What's going on here?
Kaylee: Oh, well, let's see. We killed Simon and River, stole a bunch of medicine, and now the Captain 'n' Zoe are off springing the others got snatched by the Feds!
[Mal has Jayne locked in the cargo bay airlock, with the door open to the dwindling atmosphere.]
Mal: You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don't have a keel to haul you on, so...
. . .
Jayne: What're you takin' it so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds!
Mal: Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. [Pause.] You did it to me, Jayne. And that's a fact.
. . .
[Resigned to his fate, Jayne calls Mal on the comm-link one last time.]
Jayne: What're you gonna tell the others?
Mal: About what?
Jayne: 'Bout why I'm dead.
Mal: I hadn't thought about it.
Jayne: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
[Mal relents and closes the door.]
Mal: The next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.
(Mal walks away.)
Jayne: Can I come in?
[River sees another syringe in her brother's hand.]
Simon: I brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to hospital?
River: It's time to go to sleep again.
Simon: No, mei-mei. [holds River's hand gently.] It's time to wake up.

[edit] War Stories

[Book quotes fictional warrior-poet and psychotic dictator Shan Yu to Simon.]
Book: He said, "Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals… speak on every subject… then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano's edge, and on that day, you will finally meet the man."
Simon: What if you don't live by a volcano?
Book: I suspect he was being poetical.
. . .
Book: A government is a body of people; usually, notably ungoverned.
Simon: Now you're quoting the Captain.
[River and Kaylee are running recklessly through the cargo bay.]
Mal: [to Inara] Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots... [to River and Kaylee] SHUT UP!
. . .
Mal: One of you is gonna fall and die, and I'm not cleaning it up!
[Kaylee triumphantly holds up the apple she wrested from River.]
Kaylee: No power in the 'verse… can stop me.
[Wash and Zoe are arguing about the extent to which Zoe follows Mal's orders.]
Zoe: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes.
...
Zoe: I thought your plan was too risky. I thought.
Wash: Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it.
Zoe: That's right. Because what this marriage needs is one more shouting match.
Wash: No, what this marriage needs is one less husband. Right now it's kind of crowded.
River: Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and… I walked on my feet, and… heard with my ears. I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I… function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away! The sun… goes dark, and chaos is come again. Bits… fluids! What am I?
[Repeated line, when Jayne spots Inara with her female client.]
Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.
[Wash has sabotaged Serenity's shuttle to prevent Zoe from leaving with Mal.]
Mal: Okay. I'm lost... I'm angry... and, um, I'm armed.
[Wash and Mal are blindfolded in Niska's torture chamber.]
Wash: Mal, she's my wife!
Mal: Huh?
Wash: What right do you have to put her in a dangerous situation like this?
Mal: I didn't!
Wash: You did!
Mal: She ain't here, Wash!
Wash: Yeah, but she would have been!
...
Wash: I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey.
Mal: You- [amused] Obey? She swore to obey?
Wash: Well, no, not- but that's my point! You she obeys!
...
Mal: You're making out like Zoe just blindly follows my every word, and that ain't true.
Wash: Sure it is.
Mal: Not so. There have been plenty of orders of mine she didn't obey.
Wash: Name one!
Mal: She married you!
[Zoe, Book, and Jayne come across the corpses of the men Mal and Wash were dealing with.]
Book: This is precision work. Sharpshooters. From the look of these wounds I'd say a 54-R sniper rifle. Laser sights.
Jayne: You do a lot of shootin' there at the abbey, Shepherd?
Book: Rabbits.
[Zoe discusses the merit of buying Mal and Wash's freedom]
Zoe: Niska has his own code, twisted as it may be. Very excited about reputation. He'll see reason.
Inara: Reason? He's a gangster. The money he paid you for that other job was already returned to him.
Jayne: Could be he's harboring some resentment at us for putting his man through our engine.
[Zoe offers Niska a substantial sum of money in exchange for Mal and Wash.]
Niska: I think it is not enough. Not enough for two. But sufficient, perhaps for one. Ah, so now you have a question to answer! It is for you, pretty lady, and only you, now to ch--
Zoe: [points at Wash.] Him.
[Niska looks non-plussed.]
Zoe: I'm sorry. You were going to ask me to choose, right? Did you want to finish?
[Book pulls out a rifle.]
Book: This should do.
Zoe: Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.
[After River kills three men with single gunshots without looking, she turns to Kaylee, grinning.]
River: No power in the 'verse can stop me.
[Mal, while fighting the torturer who once revived him when his body gave out.]
Mal: Haven't you killed me enough for one day?
[Zoe, Wash, and Jayne come across Mal's struggle with his tormentor. Jayne raises his pistol, but Zoe stops him.]
Zoe: Jayne. This is something the Captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No it's not!
Zoe: Oh.
[They open fire, killing the torturer.]
Mal: So. I hear you all took up arms in that little piece of action back there. How you farin' with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don't know. I, uh, I never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet.
[Mal has explained Wash's desire to have the captain and Zoë sleep together to resolve "burning sexual tension".]
Zoe: I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: [walking in.] Well, somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'.
...
Jayne: Hey. Free soup.

[edit] Trash

[Mal is shown sitting naked on a rock, in the middle of the desert.]
Mal: (pause) Yep. That went well.
Monty: Mal, I want you to meet my Bridget.
[Monty steps aside to reveal Saffron, aka Mrs. Malcolm Reynolds. She and Mal draw guns on each other.]
Monty: So… you guys have met.
Monty: Damn you, Bridget! Damn you to Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then you… I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman!
[As Saffron rummages through her purse, Malcolm puts a gun to her head.]
Mal: You're gonna want to pull your claw out of that bag, nice and slow.
Saffron: Relax. I'm not going for a gun or anything.
[Saffron pulls out some lipstick.]
Saffron: Just freshening up.
[Mal takes the lipstick from her and tosses it away.]
Mal: You and lipstick are a dangerous combination, if I recall.
. . .
[Mal frisks Saffron.]
Saffron: Mmm. You missed a spot.
Mal: Can't miss a place you've never been.
Mal: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on, find your own.
Saffron: You can't just leave me here on this lifeless piece-of-crap moon.
Mal: I can.
Saffron: I'll die.
Mal: Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that, 'cause all this chatter ain't doin' me any kindness.
Saffron: Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me then?
(Mal points his gun at her.)
Saffron: This was all your fault, you know. I had a perfect crime lined up.
Mal: Sure. You were gonna steal a man's beard.
Saffron: No, you HOE-tze duh PEE-goo! A million-square job. The big time. I was going to cut Monty and his crew in, but you screwed that royal.
Mal: Odd, but I don't think I'll be losing sleep over it.
Saffron: I've got the layout, entrance codes… Believe me, this practically robs itself.
Mal: Bye-bye, now.
[Inara cannot find work because Mal is avoiding central planets]
Inara: Right, you're a criminal mastermind! What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That was a little dif—
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: [pauses, embarrassed] They were dolls.
Inara: They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal: Hey! People love those!
Inara: Well, since I can't seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!
[An uncomfortable silence descends for a moment.]
Mal: Petty?
Inara: I didn't mean petty.
Mal: What did you mean?
Inara: Suo-SHEE?
Mal: ...That's Chinese for "petty".
Mal: Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
Wash: I'm confused.
Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself?
Wash: No. Actually, I was wondering… WHAT'S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP?
. . .
Wash: We're in space! How'd she get here?
Mal: She hitched.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over!
. . .
Jayne: Okay. I got a question. If she's got the security codes, why doesn't she just walk in and grab it herself?
Saffron: (sarcastically) Good point!
. . .
Mal: Zoe? You ain't said a word. Time to weigh in.
Zoe: Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it.
Saffron: I know a guy on Persephone. Already has half dozen buyers on the bid.
Zoe: But Inara ain't wrong.
[She stands to face Saffron.]
Zoe: She can't be trusted.
Mal: I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
Saffron: See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is… get over it.
Zoe: Hmm. Okay.
[Zoe belts Saffron, who falls to the floor.]
Zoe: I'm in.
[Jayne is watching over Simon and River, who are talking about Saffron.]
River: She's a liar.
Jayne: That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun enough.
River: She's a liar, and no good will come of her.
Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: [grinning] "Jayne" is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl! She starts in on that girl's-name thing, [reaches into his pants] I'll show her good 'n' all, I got man parts!
Simon: I'm… trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just… it's not coming.
. . .
[Jayne has departed.]
River: Afraid.
Simon: We'll be okay. Why the captain is trusting that BOO hway-HUN duh PUO-foo is beyond—
River: Not her. Jayne.
Simon: Afraid? Since when?
River: Since Ariel. Afraid we'll know.
[Durran, yet another Saffron spouse (who calls her "Yolanda"), interrupts her as she holds a gun on Mal.]
Saffron: Durran, this isn't what it looks like.
Mal: Unless… it looks like… we're stealing your priceless Lassiter, 'cause… that's what we're doing. Don't ask me about the gun, though, 'cause that's new.
Durran: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot, but…
. . .
[As Saffron holds her gun on Durran, Mal draws a gun on Saffron.]
Mal: No one's killin' any folk today, on account o' we got a very tight schedule, Yo-Saff-Bridg.
Durran: How long have you been with him?
Mal: Oh— pfft! We are not together.
Saffron: He's my husband.
Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?!
. . .
[The police, whom Durran so wisely signalled for upon discovering "Yolanda", are arriving.]
Saffron: Durran, peaches… just call them off. Tell them it was a mistake.
Durran: You need help, Yolanda.
Saffron: I'll do anything you want me to. You know how I can make you feel.
Durran: Hmm. Please. You're embarrassing yourself.
[She spin-kicks him to the floor, knocking him unconscious.]
Saffron: I'm embarrassing? Who's the dupe on the floor?
Mal: I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.
[Saffron begins to cry quietly, apparently at the permanent loss of Durran.]
Saffron: You must be loving this.
[Mal sadly shakes his head no, then nods.]
Mal: Little bit.
. . .
Saffron: You won't tell anyone about me breaking down.
Mal: I won't.
Saffron: Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster.
[She stands and points the gun at Mal.]
Mal: I'll take that as a kindness.
Saffron: You just may be the most gullible fool I ever marked. And that makes you special.
[Jayne is on the infirmary table, temporarily paralyzed after his spill.]
Jayne: [mumbling] Is [s]pine okay?
Simon: How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
Jayne: [mumbling] Das crazy talk.
Simon: Then let's talk crazy. How much?
[Jayne's eyes move toward the door.]
Jayne: [mumbling] Anybody there?
[River pokes her head in.]
Jayne: [mumbling] Anybody else?
. . .
[Simon continues to work on Jayne as he talks.]
Simon: No matter what you do, or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us… I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe. 'Cause I'm your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, [or] sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way.
[He leaves. River pokes her head in again.]
River: Also… I can kill you with my brain.
(Return to the desert we saw at the beginning of the episode, with Mal sitting naked on the rock.)
Mal: Yeah. That went well.
(Inara walks up behind him.)
Inara: You call this going well?
Mal: We got the goods, didn't we?
Inara: Yes, but-
Mal: Then I call this a win. What's the problem?
Inara: Shall I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, or the part where you have no clothes?

[edit] The Message

[Simon and Kaylee check out the "proof of alien life" exhibit — an inert creature in a cylindrical jar.]
Simon: Yep — it's a cow fetus.
Kaylee: Guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.
Simon: It's mutated.
Kaylee: But cow? How do you figure?
Simon: It's upside down.
[Kaylee tilts her head to the side.]
Kaylee: Oh yeah. Cow.
Simon: And I'm out twelve bits! I really know how to show a girl a… disgusting time.
. . .
[Simon watches as Kaylee storms off. Zoe and Wash enter the exhibit.]
Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.
Zoe: Scared her away again, did you?
Simon: D— This may come as a shock, but I'm actually… not very good at talking to girls.
Zoe: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?
[Wash stares into the "face" of the "alien".]
Wash: Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony.
[River unsuccessfully tries to eat a spherical treat that bobs from a string.]
River: My food is problematic.
Jayne: Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat an ice planet.
Jayne: I got post?
Book: Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that?
Jayne: Ha ha! It's from my mother.
[Inara and Kaylee catch up to the post-office crowd.]
Inara: So, do aliens live among us?
Kaylee: Yeah. One of them's a doctor.
[Jayne proudly wears his mother's hideous home-knit cap.]
Jayne: How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?
Kaylee: I think it's the sweetest hat ever.
Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
Jayne: Damn straight!
. . .
[Zoe and Mal open a coffin-sized box to find a body. Jayne peers in.]
Jayne: What'd y'all order a dead guy for?
[Flashback to the war, where Zoe quietly kills a man about to shoot a private having a meal.]
Tracey: Thanks. I didn't know you were out there.
Zoe: Sort of the point. Stealth — you may have heard of it.
Tracey: I don't think they covered that in basic.
Zoe: Well, at least they covered "Dropping Your Weapon So You Can Eat Beans and Get Yourself Shot".
Tracey: Yeah, I got a badge in that. [seriously] Won't happen again.
Zoe: It does, I'm just gonna watch.
. . .
Zoe: First rule of battle, little one… don't ever let them know where you are.
[Cut to Mal, firing behind himself as he runs toward the two.]
Mal: WHOO-HOO! I'M RIGHT HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O' ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH!
[He lands with a grunt behind some nearby rocks.]
Mal: Whoo-hoo!
Zoe: Course, there're other schools of thought.
Mal: They don't like it when you shoot at 'em. I worked that out myself.
Mal: Tracey, ain't you dead yet?
Tracey: Through no fault of my own, Sarge.
Mal: Aw...I really wanted your beans.
Mal: Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone's carryin' a bullet for you right now, doesn't even know it. The trick is, die of old age before it finds you.
Jayne: We're taking him on board?
Mal: We are.
Jayne: Don't know if I see the percentage in that.
Mal: Then don't strain your brain trying. You might break something.
[River to Simon after he is blown off by Kaylee]
River: You are such a boob.
[The crew listens to Tracey's recorded message.]
Tracey: Uh, okay. Uh, recording. Hi, I guess. This is a message for Zoe, and for Malcolm Reynolds. And I really hope you all are the ones listening to it. I'll spare you the boring details. I've fallen in with untrustworthy folk. Makin' a bunch of bad calls. All that matters is… I expect to be shuffled off. And you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going, which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St. Albans. We got the family plot there, and my Mom and Dad, well, they deserve to know I died. You know, it's funny. We went to the war never lookin' to come back, but it's… it's the real world I couldn't survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further… if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them, and that I'm at peace, and all. Uh… When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, well… Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, b-both of you. Oh, yeah, and, uh… make sure my eyes is closed, will ya?
[A menacing man scares information about Serenity out of postal clerk Amnon, then chuckles.]
Womack: Relax! You've been great. And I was just bluffing with that stuff about arresting you. I mean, who needs that kind of paperwork? Skunk, light him on fire.
[Serenity's crew and passengers are gathered around the table, laughing.]
Mal: I thought I was gonna die.
Inara: How could he possibly—
Mal: Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men. Uh, "they're scum", uh, "they're not fighters", and, uh… and then he passed right out — boom.
Zoe: We couldn't even move him. So, uh, Tracey just… snipped it right off his face.
Mal: And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life , I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.
Zoe: Big, walrus-y thing — all waxed up!
Inara: Did he find out?
Mal: Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone, and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, "Someone stole my moustache!" So he, uh, calls together all the platoons…
Zoe: We thought he was gonna shoot us!
Mal: … and, uh… Oh, he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the gorram thing on his face!
Zoe: He had glued it on!
Mal: He's starin' the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!
[As Simon starts an autopsy on Tracey's body, the man screams and starts thrashing about.]
Jayne: Spry for a dead fella!
. . .
[Mal manages to pin Tracey to the floor, straddling him.]
Tracey: Sarge?
Mal: Yeah?
Tracey: I think I'm naked.
. . .
Mal: You wanna explain to me exactly why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?
Mal: So, your innards… ain't your innards?
[The crew walks onto the bridge followed by Tracey]
Wash: I think they're about done being stalled to- ahhhh...AHHHHHHH! Mal, your dead army buddy's on the bridge.
Zoe: He ain't dead.
Wash: ...Oh...
[Mal and Wash are attempting to stall Womack, who is pursuing them.]
Womack: I'm a dangerous man on a ship loaded with hurt. Why you got me chattin' with your peons?
[Wash is flying through the canyon with debris falling onto the ship, Mal isn't flying comfortable]
Wash: Woo! This kind of flying really wakes a guy up!
Mal: Awake is good!
[Wash is perilously flying through a narrow canyon trying to evade Womack]
Wash: They'd have to be insane to follow us through here.
[Realizes Womack is simply following them above the canyon]
Wash: Oh...
[Tracey is holding Kaylee at gunpoint when the bombardment stops.]
Mal: Hear that quiet? Means the call's already been made.
Tracey: Well, that call… that call means you just murdered me.
[Behind him, Jayne cocks his rifle. As Tracey spins, Mal shoots him.]
Mal: No, son. You murdered yourself. I just carried the bullet a while.
[As Tracey lies dying, the ex-soldiers finally complete the old saying.]
Tracey