Gilmore Girls/Season 3
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Gilmore Girls (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by Amy Sherman-Palladino, centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.
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Season 3 [edit]
Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy-Days [edit]
- Lorelai: Hey Rory, I don't want you to freeze out your dad because I am.
- Rory: I'm not.
- Lorelai: Because I'm fine if you want to go back to the way things were.
- Rory: I think that would be a little hard this time.
- Lorelai: OK ,maybe not now, but eventually.
- Rory: Eventually maybe, but for now, Solidarity, sister.
- Lorelai: Ya-Ya!
- Rory: You've been waiting 6 weeks to do that, haven't you?
- Lorelai: Ya-Ya!
- Paris: What if I fall for him but he doesn't like me?
- Rory: You'll find someone else.
- Paris: What if there is no one else?
- Rory: Then you'll buy some cats.
- Jamie: So where's Paris?
- Rory: Not quite sure. Last time I saw her she was beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives.
- Michel: Oh good, just in time. Kirk here is about to tell us the difference between cows and humans.
- Lorelai: You mean other than o. ne's a cow?
- Michel: Shhh. Go ahead Kirk.
- Kirk: Hay.
- Lorelai: Huh?
- Kirk: Hay, it’s hay – cows eat hay. And after some experimentation and a great deal of research, I developed what I believe to be the next great skin care product to sweep the nation [holds out bottle]
- Lorelai: [reading label] Hay There.
- Kirk: A complete line of creams, balms, toning lotions, and cleansing liquids.
- Lorelai: Kirk, we already have a skin care line here, I’m sorry.
- Kirk: I am willing to give you three cases of "Hay There" skin products absolutely free of charge. Try them, you will see what I’m talking about.
- Lorelai: Well, uh, thank you very much, Kirk. . . but, I’m sorry – don’t cows eat grass?
- Kirk: Sometimes, but "Grass There" is a bad name.
- Lorelai: I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing in the kitchen, is Luke!
- Rory: Was he naked?
- Lorelai: No! He was making breakfast.
- Rory: Naked?
- Lorelai: Okay, you've been in Washington way too long.
- Lorelai: I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
- Rory:: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?
- Lorelai: Just a little.
- Rory: How much is a little?
- Lorelai: Learn Russian.
- Paris: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like ‘how' and ‘why' and ‘Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end!' will immediately fly out of people's mouths.
- Paris: God, I love this. You don’t realize how unqualified most of America’s youth is until you gather them all up in a room and make them speak.
- Paris: I can’t do this.
- Rory: What?
- Paris: Date. I can’t date. I’m not genetically set up for it.
- Rory: Not true.
- Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I’m covered in hives, I’ve showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn’t even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don’t wind up in a restaurant that’s really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
Haunted Leg [edit]
- Lorelai: My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time — maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.
- Rory: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait…
- Lorelai: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
- Rory: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.
- Lorelai: Oh my God.
- Emily: Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.
- Lorelai: Shauna Christy shot her husband.
- Emily: What?
- Lorelai: Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.
- Emily: Yes I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.
- Lorelai: Well apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving a nice little bonus package to the maid. And they say good help is hard to find.
- Emily: That's just gossip.
- Lorelai: Gossip? The man was shot 35 times! He looks like a sprinkler system!
- Emily: I can’t believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.
- Lorelai: And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.
- Emily: This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.
- Lorelai: Okay, fine.
- Emily: This is a tragedy.
- Lorelai: My bad, sorry.
- Emily: A man is dead, a young woman ruined.
- Lorelai: Consider the subject dropped.
- Emily: At least she had a husband to kill.
- Lorelai: Just once I'd like to be able to say, "Yeah, I'm not feeling so good, my leg is haunted."
- Rory: See, there's a reason why you only take one packet of TheraFlu at a time.
[Lorelai and Michel are looking into the fireplace at the Independence Inn]
- Lorelai: You’re sure?
- Michel: Positive. It ran right across the lobby and into the fireplace.
- Lorelai: I don’t see it.
- Michel: Well, it must’ve found a hole to crawl into.
- Lorelai: We cannot have this mouse running around the inn. Customers will freak.
- Michel: Well, tell them it’s a baby. People love babies. They’ll talk to it in funny voices.
- Lorelai: Did you call an exterminator?
- Michel: Why, no, what a wonderful idea. I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face.
- Lorelai: When does he get here?
- Michel: He said we were the first stop.
- Lorelai: Well, what do we do until then?
- Michel: Make cat sounds?
- Sookie: So today's your lunch with Emily.
- Lorelai: Yep.
- Sookie: Any idea what she's gonna say?
- Lorelai: No, but I bet it's not, "I'm joining the circus, feed your father until I get back." I should just cancel.
[Rory's bedroom - Rory wakes up and sees Lorelai sitting in a chair staring at her]
- Rory: How long have you been sitting there?
- Lorelai: Not long. An hour. . .and a half.
- Rory: Why?
- Lorelai: Because.
- Rory: 'Cause why?
- Lorelai: Because today is the last first day of high school you’re ever gonna have.
- Rory: You’re insane.
- Lorelai: I’m not insane, I’m just sentimental, and you’re grown.
- Rory: I’m not grown.
- Lorelai: Yes, you are, you’re all grown up and soon you’ll be going off into the world.
- Rory: Not yet.
- Lorelai: But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won’t have the opportunity to give you this.
[Lorelai hands her a piece of paper]
- Rory: What is it?
- Lorelai: It’s your bill.
- Rory: My what?
- Lorelai: Yeah. I’ve been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you’ve cost me over the years – raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
- Rory: Mmhmm.
- Lorelai: Yes, I’ve itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan.
- Rory: Oh boy.
- Lorelai: One thing that’s painfully obvious here – you’ve used an extraordinary number of diapers.
- Rory: I’m gonna go take a shower.
- Lorelai: Really, it’s cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for?
- Rory: I was building my ‘make Mommy go away’ castle.
- Lorelai: All right, you got home too late last night and I didn’t get a chance to talk to you.
- Rory: I got home at ten and you were already asleep.
- Lorelai: Well, I was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance again.
- Rory: Okay, what did I miss?
- Lorelai: Okay. Kirk asked me out.
- Rory: Shut up!
- Lorelai: Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner.
- Rory: That’s so sweet.
- Lorelai: Sweet?
- Rory: You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies.
- Lorelai: Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.
- Rory: Why?
- Lorelai: Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk!
- Rory: Well, as long as he loves you.
- Lorelai: You are not serious.
- Rory: I just want you to be happy.
- Lorelai:: Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter.
- Lorelai: All right ... we’re gonna have to move.
- Rory: Okay.
- Lorelai: Take off in the middle of the night, leave everything behind, assume different identities. I’ll join a local community theater and I’ll drive you to soccer. It’ll work for many years until the FBI comes to get me, and by that time, you’re on your own.
- Rory: I don’t play soccer.
- Lorelai: You do now.
- Lorelai: There's a mouse at the inn.
- Emily: Is the place dirty?
- Lorelai: No, it’s just surrounded by this thing called nature and ... mice happen.
- Emily: Why are you throwing cutlery in a public place?
- Lorelai: Uh, 'cause I feel stupid doing it at home?
- (Rory's in Dooses' Market and runs into Jess)
- Jess: Doing a little shopping? (Blocks Rory)
- Rory: Yes, get out of my way.
- Jess: Why the cold shoulder?
- Rory: No cold shoulder I just got perishables here.
- Jess: You want to go before that Beef-a-roni goes bad.
- Rory: My mom's waiting for me.
- (They start walking toward the checkout)
- Jess: So how was Washington?
- Rory: Fine.
- Jess: Do anything interesting?
- Rory: No.
- Jess: Ok.
- (Rory and Jess are in line)
- Jess: Her name is Shane.
- Rory: As in come back?
- Jess: Yep.
- Rory: Well great, that's great, really that's great.
- Jess: So I heard.
- Rory: Well it is.
- Jess: Are you upset about something?
- Rory: No.
- Jess: I mean me and Shane.
- Rory: What about you and Shane?
- Jess: Well it didn't seem to bring a smile to your face.
- Rory: Well I'm still freaked out about the sno-cone machine.
- Jess: Ok.
- Rory: I could care less about you and Shane.
- Jess: Good.
- Rory: It just surprised me that's all.
- Jess: Why?
- Rory: Because.
- Jess: Because why?
- Rory: Because of what happened at Sookie's Wedding.
- Jess: Ah.
- Rory: So me coming back here and seeing you with Shane kind a threw me a bit.
- Jess: I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me or did the postman lose the letters you sent to me? You kiss me, tell me not to say anything, very flattering by the way. You go off to Washington and then nothing and you're all put out 'cause I didn't sit here and wait for you like Dean would have done. Oh yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? Because last time I checked you were and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus the two of you walking around the other day like a damn Annie Hardy movie, it seemed to me like you were pretty together. I half expected you to break into a bar and put on a show.
- Rory: When did you see me with Dean?
- Jess: At that summer insanity thing the town put on.
- Rory: I'm surprised that you could see anything with Shane's head plastered to your face.
- Jess: You didn't answer me.
- Rory: About what?
- Jess: Did you call me at all?
- Rory: No.
- Jess: Did you send me a letter?
- Rory: No.
- Jess: A postcard?
- Rory: No.
- Jess: Smoke signal?
- Rory: Stop!
- Jess: A nice fruit basket?
- Rory: Enough.
- Jess: Are you still with Dean? Come on Rory, yes or no? Are you still with Dean?
- Rory: Yes I'm still with Dean! Yes.
- Jess: (Looks at her) Glad to hear it.
- Rory: Glad to tell you.
- Jess: See ya around.
- Rory: Whatever.
- Jess: Right back at you.
Application Anxiety [edit]
- Lorelai: Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going "Ha!" was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.
- Rory: He's going to be expecting Chilton High School senior, Trixie McBimbo
- Lorelai: and her mother, Bambi McBimbo.
- Lorelai: State your full name. Better not get that one wrong, and nickname if any.
- Rory: That would be Rory.
- Lorelai: Or droopy drawers.
- Rory: That was never my nickname.
- Lorelai: Wrong! I called you that as a baby.
- Rory: What?
- Lorelai: That's right. Once you had these little Oshkosh cords and they were way to big. Once at the mall they fell right down to your knees and I said "Whoa there droopy drawers". I'm just afraid if we don't answer every thing accurately the Harvard police will come an hit you with an Atlas and say something mean in Latin.
- Lorelai: Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something.
- Darren: Stars Hollow is charming. The last time we drove through there, there was a pumpkin patch.
- Lorelai: Sounds like us.
- Darren: In March.
- Lorelai: Oh, that would be the year the pumpkins arrived late.
- Luke: What’s that, a toy?
- Miss Patty: Oh, it’s awfully cute.
- Taylor: That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.
- Rory: Wow, there’s little people and everything.
- Sookie: They look so real.
- Jackson: Hey, it’s me holding a tiny zucchini!
- Lorelai: Look at the horse drawn carriage.
- Taylor: My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It’s very eighteen-hundreds.
- Babette: The horse is taller than the front door.
- Lorelai: Way taller.
- Luke: What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?
- Taylor: It’s slightly out of proportion.
- Babette: Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.
- Sookie: Oh, come on, you do not like modern art.
- Jackson: Oh, then I was mistaken, I guess I don’t. I’m a mindless android, I have no opinions.
- Sookie: Well, what kind do you like?
- Lorelai: Yeah, do you like the kind that looks like someone hemorrhaged on a canvas?
- Jackson: Yes, I love hemorrhaging.
One's Got Class and the Other One Dyes [edit]
- Lorelai: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
- Rory: The other side of…
- Lorelai: The other side.
- Rory: With Republicans?
- Lorelai: All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike, except for Lane's mom and that one mom with the freaky glass eye that never moved.
- [Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet.]
- Lorelai: Oh my God.
- Luke: What?
- Lorelai: Jimmy Buffett?
- Luke: Put that back.
- Lorelai: You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
- Luke: I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
- Lorelai: A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
- Luke: Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
- Lorelai: Sing Margaritaville.
- Luke: No.
- Jess: That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
- Luke: Stay outta this.
- Luke: It better not be something I have to put together.
- Lorelai: What?
- Luke: My toy.
- Lorelai: [to Luke] I've seen you swimming at the lake, so I've seen you with your shirt off.
- Jess: Lately? 'Cause he's really let himself go.
- Lorelai: Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.
- Rory: I told her that.
- Lorelai: All right, let's go eat… see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.
- Luke: Hey, wait now. You're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
- Lorelai: Aren't you!
- Luke: What?
- Lorelai: Who?
- Luke: Stop it!
- Lorelai: Bye!
- Dave: Because we’re supposed to be a one-for-all band like the Clash or U2 – it’s a democracy.
- Lane: Democracies are overrated. Now get in there and kick some butt.
- Michel: You must be very fortunate to live in this tiny town where people make very little money. It elevates you by comparison.
Luke: to Lorelai Have you been diagnosed?
Eight O'Clock at the Oasis [edit]
- [Rory and Lorelai walk into Luke’s Diner]
- Lorelai: Oh, man, it’s packed in here.
- Rory: I guess we counter it.
- Lorelai:Oh, I guess we do.
- [They sit down at the counter]
- Luke: What?
- Lorelai: What do you know, your face really can freeze that way.
- Rory: Are you okay?
- Luke: Yeah, I’m fine, I’m great. It’s a big fat happy sunshine day for me.
- Lorelai: Business looks good.
- Rory: Yeah, the place is packed.
- Luke: Sure, it’s been taken over by the J. Crew catalog.
- [Several families with little kids are seated at the tables]
- Rory: Oh, look, babies!
- Lorelai: I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again.
- Woman: Find the yellow ball.
- Man: [searching through a diaper bag] Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball. . .ah, yellow duck.
- Woman: Ball.
- Man: Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball.
- Luke: Every weekend, the same stupid group comes in here and take up all my tables and every chair they can get their sticky hands on, and they do that. They sit, they stand, one person holds the kid, another person holds the kid.
- Man 2: I’ve got Choo-Choo Joe.
- Luke: This guy runs in and out and back and forth, the other guy never takes his head out of that stupid bag, the women can’t figure out which kid is which, and they do it all morning long, and then order two iced teas to go, and that is it.
- Lorelai: I’m sure you’re exaggerating.
- Luke: I am not exaggerating.
- Woman 2: Oh god.
- Luke: Oh, now, this is good, you see – Choo-Choo Joe will not be working.
- Woman 2: Get the Bongo Bear. Get the Bongo Bear.
- Rory: How’d you know that?
- Luke: Because Joe has not been working for the last six months. Personally, I don’t think he’s broken, I think he killed himself to get away from that family.
- Lorelai: Oh, now that kid’s a major drooler.
- Rory: Yeah, it’s like a fountain.
- Luke: Okay, that’s it, they have to go.
- Lorelai: Luke, come on, it’s just spit. Pretend you’re at a baseball game.
- Luke: No no no, I’ve had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al’s, I’m through. [He starts to walk toward the people when a woman stands up and starts unbuttoning her shirt. Luke walks back to Lorelai and Rory] Is that woman doing what I think she’s doing? [the woman has started nursing her baby]
- Lorelai: Um, well, I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but. . .oh yeah, that’s lunch.
- Luke: Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here.
- Rory: They sure are.
- Luke: This cannot be sanitary.
- Lorelai: I agree. You don’t know where that thing’s been.
- Luke: When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They’d go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it’s indecent. This is a diner not a peep show!
- Lorelai: Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but . . .
- Luke: I have to do something. I just can’t stand here and let the lactating continue.
- Lorelai: Luke!
- Rory: Gross!
- Luke: I’m gross? I’m not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That’s it.
- [Luke starts to walk over to the woman, then walks back to the counter] You go make her stop.
- Lorelai: I’m not going over there.
- Luke: Why not? You’re a woman.
- Lorelai: So what?
- Luke: So you have the same parts.
- Lorelai: What?
- Luke: You shouldn’t be scared of it.
- Lorelai: Scared of it? You know, you’re gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.
- Luke: I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this!
- [Jess walks down into the diner and sees the woman nursing]
- Jess: Oh geez!
- [Jess quickly turns around and walks back upstairs. Lorelai and Rory start laughing.]
- Luke: Okay, well, that was kind of funny.
- Lorelai: Boy, it's cold in here.
- Rory: It's a lot colder where you're sitting.
- Lorelai:Ugh. She's mad at me.
- Rory: Yup.
- Lorelai: Think she's gonna be mad at me all night?
- Rory: Yup.
- Lorelai: I guess I should go in there and talk to her.
- Rory: Yup.
- Lorelai: You wouldn't wanna go in there and talk to her for me?
- Rory: Nope.
- Lorelai: Good thing you don't get paid by the word.
- Rory: The sooner you get in there, the sooner you get cheese.
- Lorelai: Fine.
- Michel: And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.
- Lorelai: Well, that certainly calls for a 'Dirty'!
- Emily: He's proud of his accomplishments. Whats wrong with that?
- Lorelai: He didn't end world hunger mom. He simply made the decision to spring for the bigger tires.
- Rory: Geez, did he talk about anything else but his car?
- Lorelai: Not until we got to the restaurant, then the wine list.
- Rory: Oh no he's a winey?
- Lorelai: Yes, he sniffed and swirled and swished and did every other pretentious and borderline disgusting thing you can do with a glass of wine in a public place.
- Lorelai: (to Rory) Shoes? Shoes? You don't need shoes! In my day we walked twenty miles through snow just to get to our shoes!
- Lorelai: [Phone rings and Lorelai answers] Independence Inn
- Emily: You should really identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
- Lorelai: Sorry, Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
- Emily: Yes, thank you.
- Lorelai: You ruined my joke.
- Rory: Um, no, the punchline ruined your joke.
Take the Deviled Eggs [edit]
- [Taylor is on a crusade against birds "relieving themselves on helpless passersby".]
- Miss Patty: Taylor, all animals have to… you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?
- Taylor: Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land — pow! They're shish-kebabs.
- Rory: That's cruel.
- Babette: You can't do that.
- Andrew: I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.
- Lorelai: There it is — our new town slogan.
- Rory: I like it.
- Lorelai: I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.
- Rory: Don't forget stuffed shish-kebabbed birds.
- Lorelai: That moan when you squeeze 'em.
- [Luke questions Gypsy about Jess's new car.]
- Luke: He paid you for it, right?
- Gypsy: Nothing's free at Gypsy's.
- Luke: And he paid cash?
- Gypsy: Mostly twenties.
- Luke: Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Neuman or someone?
- Gypsy: Looked real to me.
- Luke: Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?
- Gypsy: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.
- Luke: Really?
- Gypsy: No.
- Luke: Good.
- Gypsy: Guys are stupid.
- Reverend: The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.
- Rabbi: We answer to a higher authority… like the hot dog.
- Reverend: I laugh every time you say that.
- Rabbi: I know. Funny is funny.
- Taylor: Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.
- Reverend: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.
- Rabbi: Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.
- Reverend: Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?
- Rabbi: Do you have a God phone, Taylor?
- Taylor: Rabbi, please.
- Reverend: What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?
- Rabbi: Is he short, is he tall?
- Reverend: Does he like to laugh?
- Rabbi: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials…
- Rory: She's very up on traffic flow and rush hour and all that.
- Lorelai: She's Rand McNally.
- Rory: She should do traffic reports on the radio.
- Lorelai: Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there's a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it's just one point three miles from my house. Nice job, guys.
- Rory: You're awful.
- Lorelai: Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, 'cause blue's the new red.
- Lorelai: You want to devil-egg Jess' car? And how is that gonna make me feel better about Sherry?
- Rory: Because it's active. It's aggressive. It's destructive, but not too destructive. I don't know… can you make something up?
- Lorelai: Let's do it.
- [Stars Hollow observes the Town Loner preparing a protest.]
- Luke: What's he carrying?
- Miss Patty: Something all rolled up.
- Taylor: Probably a body.
- Rory: It looks heavy, too.
- Lorelai: Well, bodies are heavy.
- Taylor: That's not funny.
- Babette: You get dumped on, Taylor?
- Taylor: It's not just me.
- Luke: If anybody has a picture of Taylor being dumped on. I'll pay top dollar.
- Kirk: I'll check the Internet.
- Lorelai: But he’s our Boo Radley, and we don’t have a Boo Radley, unless you count the troubadour or Pete the pizza guy or the guy who talks to mailboxes.
- Rory: Well, I think the point is that every town needs as many Boo Radleys as they can get.
- Lorelai: A half hour before I had Rory, I was eating a pepper sandwich and watching TV. [to Rory] You were almost named Quincy.
They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They? [edit]
- Lorelai: This is amazing chicken, Mom. I mean it, really great.
- Emily: Thank you, Lorelai.
- Lorelai: It's like super-chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window?
- Lorelai: Oh. Four years in a row, I have come this close to winning. Last year, I swear to God, I had it!
- Luke: I know the story.
- Lorelai: It was hour twenty-three.
- Luke: I know the story.
- Lorelai: I’m dancing with Henry Ho-Ho McAphie the third.
- Luke: How many people heard me say I know the story?
- (several customers raise their hands.)
- Lorelai: And Ho-Ho’s fading, so I’m trying to buck him up, saying "Come on, Ho-Ho. Stay with me Ho-Ho," and then all of a sudden he starts yelling, "Stop calling me Ho-Ho, it’s making me hungry!
- Luke: Oh, hey, look, there goes Tommy Tune.
- Lorelai: And out of nowhere, Kirk comes dancing by, waving a McDonald’s hot apple pie in the air and of course Ho-Ho lunges for the pie and drops my hand and that was it. Kirk wins, I’m out. I’m gonna get that Ho-Ho someday.
- Rory: Kirk has very little in his life. He has no career, no girlfriend, no pet, no car. He lives with his mother, she won't even let him have his own key. The only thing he does have in his whole lonely pathetic existence is this marathon. If we win, if we take him down, if we take away that last little piece of dignity, then we leave him with nothing.
- Lorelai: I wonder if he'll cry.
- Rory: My mother, the Howard Roark of Stars Hollow.
- Lorelai: How ya doing there, champ?
- Rory: Early.
- Lorelai: Yes, it's a tad early.
- Rory: No sun.
- Lorelai: Well, he's not up yet.
- Rory: I can't even open my eyes.
- Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
- Rory: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.
- Lorelai: Hey, Kirk, relax. Dancing is supposed to be fun.
- Kirk: You know what will be fun Lorelai? Jogging around your prostrate body with the shinny temple of silver importance hoisted in the air for all to see. That will be fun.
- Luke: Get out, Taylor.
- Taylor: Why?
- Luke: Just a code I live by.
- Lorelai: Have you ever had Mad Cow Disease?
- Luke: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
- Lorelai: In ninth grade, I got asked to the homecoming dance and I didn’t think I would, and I was in a really good mood, and Mom got so annoyed that she made me go to my room.
- Rory: Grandma?
- Emily: She was sitting at the table giving all the peas voices.
- Lorelai: With a little encouragement, I could’ve been the Señor Wences of the vegetable set.
- Rory:Well, there’s this big event that’s happening in my town. . .
- Paris: Pig race?
- Rory: Dance marathon.
- Paris: I was close.
- Sookie: Last night, I made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up.
- Lorelai: Of course.
- Sookie: All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, Jackson announces he wants four in four.
- Lorelai: He wants what?
- Sookie: Four in four. Four kids in four years.
- Lorelai: Good Lord!
- Sookie: I know!
- Lorelai: Well, who’s he gonna have these kids with?
- Sookie: Me, apparently.
- Lorelai: What did you say?
- Sookie: See, here’s where, uh, the problem comes in.
- Lorelai: What?
- Sookie: I think I said yes.
- Lorelai: How is that possible?
- Sookie: Well, I was totally shocked when he announced it and I sort of said, "O. . kay" and . . but I think he took it as, "Okay!" So, apparently, now I have to get busy.
- Lorelai: Do you want four in four?
- Sookie: No. But, I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids.
- Lorelai: I know you want kids.
- Sookie: But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet.
- Lorelai: Sookie, this is not like the fruit bowl his mother gave you. You can’t stick four kids in the attic and just pull them out at Christmas.
- Lorelai: Have you seen Sookie and Jackson?
- Luke: Nope.
- Lorelai: I’ve looked everywhere for them.
- Luke: Have you tried the insane asylum where everybody in this room is supposed to be?
- Jackson: Contrary to your belief, there are some things in life that you do not have the right to have an opinion on.
- Lorelai: What?
- Jackson: And the rate at which I have kids and the amount of kids I wish to have falls directly under that category
- Lorelai: Sookie, what did you tell him?
- Sookie: Okay, you see, once again, my communication skills – not so good.
- Lorelai: Jackson, I didn’t mean to get involved in any of this.
- Jackson: No? Telling Sookie that she needs to immediately inform me that four in four is crazy?
- Lorelai: Aw, Sookie.
- Sookie: Yeah, it did come out something like that.
- Lorelai: Aw man.
- Luke: What’s four in four?
- Lorelai: Four kids in four years.
- Luke: That is crazy.
- Jackson: Oh good, yes, let’s open this up to even more discussion.
- Luke: One kid in four years is crazy.
- Jackson: Hey.
- Luke: Sorry, go ahead, drop another sucker in this mess.
- Lorelai: Okay, raise your hand if you’re not helping.
- Lorelai: Tell me a joke.
- Rory: Knock knock.
- Lorelai: [giggles] That was a good one.
- Jackson: Does anyone here understand that a man has a right not to have his personal life debated in a public forum? I am not Winona Ryder.
- Lorelai: I need you, Dean. The team needs you.
- Dean: What team?
- Lorelai: Pick a team - it needs you.
- Lorelai: My shoe broke! I need you to fix it!
- Luke: Do I look like a cobbler to you?
- Lorelai: If I say yes, will you fix it?
- [Luke won't give out free coffee at the dance marathon]
- Taylor: You would knock the crutch out from under Tiny Tim, wouldn't you?
- Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, Gimpy's goin' down
- Rory: You have nothing better to do all day than sit around and watch a dance marathon?
- Jess: I don't know.
- [looks at Dean and directs his question to him]
- Jess: Do you have anything better to do all day than sit around and watch a dance marathon?
- Rory: I am dancing, I can not control where my glance goes, and when I can control it, my glance goes to Dean.
- Jess: So you can't control it when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him. [to Dean] Sorry man, that's cold.
- Dean: Sorry, she can’t. I’m not her boyfriend anymore.
- Rory: What?
- Dean: You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.
- Rory: What are you talking about?
- Dean: You don’t wanna be with me, Rory.
- Rory: Yes, I do.
- Dean: Oh, please! You’ve been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks – months, actually – trying to convince myself that it wasn’t true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You’re into him and he’s into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this ‘cause it’s so damn obvious.
- Rory: What’s obvious? What did I do?
- Dean: Everyone can see it, Rory! Everyone. And I’m tired, but I’m over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There’s nothing standing in your way now, ‘cause I’m out.
- (Jess walks up to Rory as she is sitting on the bridge)
- Jess: Dean's a jerk yelling at you like that, breaking up in front everyone. The guy's a total jerk.
- Rory: No, he's not..he was right...everything he said, all those things about you and me, all those things about me...lying to him, messing with his head. He was right.
- (There is a quick pause, Rory looks up at Jess)
- Rory: Well, wasn't he?....Fine, he was right about me then, now go away.
- (Jess takes a breath)
- Jess: He was right about...all of it.
- Rory: So what now?
- Jess: You definitely broken up wth Dean?
- Rory: Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean.
- Jess: I have to go take care of something then.
Let the Games Begin [edit]
- Jess: Hi.
- Rory: Hey.
- Jess: Hi.
- Lorelai: Hi.
- Jess: Hi.
- Luke: Hi.
- Rory: I have to get to school.
- Jess: Yeah, me too.
- Rory: Bye
- Jess: Bye. Bye.
- Lorelai: Bye.
- Rory: Bye.
- Lorelai: Bye.
- Rory: Bye.
- Luke: Bye.
- [Jess and Rory leave.]
- Luke: What the hell was that?
- Lorelai: That was episode one of "Rory and Jess: The Early Years".
- [Lorelai, Rory, and Richard are sitting at the table. Emily is standing at the doorway to the kitchen]
- Emily: Do it again, please! [walks to her seat at the table] I’m not quite sure what other way there is to say ‘no walnuts in the salad’ except to say ‘no walnuts in the salad.’
- Lorelai: Mom, she just made a mistake.
- Emily: She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t care, she has no work ethic.
- Lorelai: She has some work ethic. You made her remake the salad four times.
- Emily: I like things done correctly.
- Richard: Preferably the first time.
- Emily: Thank you, Richard.
- Lorelai: You know, Mom, in Europe, they eat the salad last and the main course first.
- Emily: We’re not in Europe.
- Lorelai: We could pretend.
- Emily: Really, Lorelai, you can’t wait ten minutes for another salad? The situation’s that dire?
- Lorelai: Four salads ago, no, not dire. Right now it’s ‘your money for nothing and your chicks for free.’
- Emily: Rory?
- Rory: She didn’t have lunch.
- Emily: Fine. [gets up from table]
- Richard: Where are you going?
- Emily: Apparently, we’re going to be European tonight.
- Richard: Oh, wonderful. I was getting so tired of being American, day after day after day.
- Lorelai: God, I’m starved.
- Rory: Think about something else.
- Lorelai: Like what?
- Rory: Something disgusting that will take your appetite away.
- Lorelai: Ari Fleischer?
- Richard: Ari Fleischer is our nation’s mouthpiece, young lady.
- Lorelai: Officially not hungry now.
- Emily: Liliana will be right out with the sand dabs. I’m afraid we’re going to have to let her go, Richard.
- Richard: Well, if that’s how you feel, Emily.
- Lorelai: You’re firing someone over putting walnuts in a salad?
- Emily: I’m going to fire someone over putting walnuts in the salad after she was told not to put walnuts in the salad.
- Lorelai: Mom, you know, if you’re not a little nicer to your help, you might find yourself in a Frank Lloyd Wright situation.
- Richard: Frank Lloyd Wright?
- Emily: What on earth does Frank Lloyd Wright have to do with my salad?
- Richard: And your walnuts.
- Lorelai: Mrs. Wright apparently had this major problem with her help. She was very rough on them and they totally hated her. So this guy who had worked for her forever, he had finally had enough. I believe the incident was over walnuts, wasn’t it, honey?
- Rory: The exact cause has not been proven.
- Lorelai: Anyhow, Mrs. Wright invites this whole posse of people over for dinner and they’re all sitting around eating, and Mr. Disgruntled Servant Guy goes outside and locks all the doors and windows and douses the whole house in gasoline and sets the place on fire.
- Emily: My goodness.
- Lorelai: So the house is on fire, and people are freaking out, so they run to the doors but the doors are locked, so a few of them try to get out through the windows, but Mr. Angry-Puss is standing outside with an ax hacking them to death and so they all died.
- Emily: Why on earth would you tell me that story?
- Lorelai: All I’m saying is sometimes eating a walnut is preferable to getting hacked to death or set on fire during dinner.
- Rory: We go. We look. Hi Yale. Bye Yale. It's over. No harm, no foul.
- Lorelai: How many more two-word sentences can you come up with?
- Kirk: Luke, where's your lost and found?
- Luke: Out back in the dumpster.
- Kirk: I need your help. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking like a spastic colon.
- Luke: What’s the matter, Kirk?
- Kirk: My trophy’s gone.
- Luke: What?
- Kirk: Someone took her.
- Luke: Kirk.
- Kirk: The last time I remember seeing her, she was next to me at the movies.
- Luke: Stop calling it she.
- Kirk: I retraced my steps all day and nothing. I suspect foul play.
- Luke: Foul play?
- Kirk: Kidnapping, possibly.
- Luke: Well, then, I think you should go to the police, and if they mention something about staying somewhere for observation, it’s just routine.
- Jess: What do you think is gonna happen?
- Luke: You know what I think is gonna happen.
- Jess: No, I don’t. Tell me. Tell me what I’m gonna do to her.
- Luke: You’re not gonna do anything to her because when you’re at her place, there’s Lorelai, and when you’re here, there’s me, and when you’re out there, there’s Taylor.
- Jess: Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?
- Luke: Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I’ll get worried. Until then, do your homework.
- Rory: Can we not say the word "college" for at least forty-eight hours?
- Lorelai: Fine.
- Rory: Thank you.
- Lorelai: How 'bout "collage", can we say "collage"? 'Cause it sounds the same, but it's actually very different.
- Rory: "Collage" is fine.
- Lorelai: Okay, good, 'cause I don't even know how to get through a conversation without the word "collage".
- Luke: Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
- Lorelai: You did?
- Luke: Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
- Lorelai: Oh good.
- Luke: Yup.
- Lorelai: You know, they're together now.
- Luke: What?
- Lorelai: Oh yeah. "I have to get a part for my car", "I'm going to go study" — that's kid code for "Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle".
- Luke: You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that… damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.
[Lorelai finds the bracelet that Dean made for Rory on the dresser]
- Lorelai: Oh wow. I guess this means there really isn’t a Dean anymore, huh?
- Rory: Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably would’ve taken it off anyway.
- Lorelai: Or Jess would’ve done it for you.
- Rory: What did that mean?
- Lorelai: It just meant Jess wouldn’t want you wearing another guy’s bracelet.
- Rory: Or that Jess is a thief and he would’ve stolen it.
- Lorelai: It does work on both levels, doesn’t it?
- Rory: So this is how it’s gonna be from now on?
- Lorelai: What does that mean?
- Rory: You like Dean and you hate Jess.
- Lorelai: Rory.
- Rory: Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.
- Lorelai: Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.
- Rory: Mom.
- Lorelai: Rory, I said nothing. I didn’t mean what you thought I meant about Jess. I’m trying to be supportive about this.
- Rory: How supportive?
- Lorelai: Supportive. You know, go team.
- Rory: I’m serious, I wanna know how it’s gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?
- Lorelai: Of course you can invite him over.
- Rory: Well, can he actually come into the house?
- Lorelai: Yes, he can come into the house
- Rory: Are you going to talk to him?
- Lorelai: I'll at least match him grunt for grunt.
- Rory: Okay. Now, let's say he's in the house and there's a fire and you can either save him or your shoes - which is it?
- Lorelai: That depends, did he start the fire?
- Rory: I'm sure you and I can figure out a fun thing to do while they're off at dinner. Some cool road-trip thing.
- Lorelai: In New Haven?
- Rory: Well, yeah.
- Lorelai: Sweetie, have you ever been to New Haven?
- Rory: No.
- Lorelai: Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it. That's New Haven.
- Lorelai: Rory, let me explain something to you. The way you survive a road trip with my mother is to make sure you have all your bases covered, leave nothing to chance. Never give her the opportunity to give you a thirty-minute lecture on how, if you’d brought the second bathing suit like she told you to, it wouldn’t have mattered that the first one’s strap broke in a freak poolslide incident that no one, including the Amazing Kreskin, could’ve predicted, you would’ve been covered.
- Rory: I have to bring a bathing suit? It’s thirty degrees outside.
- Lorelai: This was an example based on a true story. Now, get a skirt to go with this.
- Emily: He was a master of the frown, step back, wrinkle and sigh.
- Lorelai: The what?
- Emily: Frown. Step back. Wrinkle. And sigh.
- Richard: I did no such thing.
- Emily: And then he’d talk about the paintings he had seen in Paris and the colors of Titian, and by the end of the date, you thought he was the most brilliant man in the entire world.
- Lorelai: Using Titian to score. Even Titian didn’t do that.
- Richard: You shouldn’t tell them this. They’ll think I was some kind of Lothario.
- Emily: Well, you were.
- Richard: I was just a young single man who wanted to experience life.
- Lorelai: Don’t ever fall for that line.
- Rory: I promise.
- Emily: What can we do in a bathroom?
- Lorelai: Meet George Michael.
- Rory: And I can’t believe the only name that popped into my head when he asked for my role model was Gloria Estefan.
- Lorelai: Well, you don’t work great under pressure.
- Jess: Here we are.
- Rory: Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, what’s your decision about smoking that depending on?
- Jess: On what’s gonna happen.
- Rory: When?
- Jess: Now.
- [They kiss]
- Rory: I’m glad you didn’t smoke it.
- Jess: Oh yeah?
- Rory: Yeah.
- [they kiss again]
- Jess: Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works.
- Rory: I have to go.
- Jess: What? Did I do something or –
- Rory: No, no. This was. . . you were – are. . .it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand?
- Jess: Not at all.
- Rory: It’s more fun that way, isn’t it?
- Jess: You sure you don’t want a soda?
- Rory: Yeah, I’m sure.
- Jess: Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.
- Rory: Take comfort in the fact that your not doing it alone.
- Jess: Okay, lets just regroup here.
- Rory: Yeah. Regroup.
- Jess: First of all we should try to get within, say, a foot of each other.
- (they move closer to one another)
- Rory: I think thats about a foot.
- Jess: Huh. That school of yours is really paying off.
- Rory: So now what?
- Jess: Now we should...
- Rory: We either need to get a little closer or we need to warm up.
- Jess: Okay.
- (gets closer and they take each others hands)
- Jess: Hi.
- Rory: Hi.
- (They both lean in to kiss and Luke bursts in.)
- ...
- Luke (to Jess): You may sit on the couch or the chair, as long as you two are sitting on seperate seats. I mean, when you're on the couch then she's on the chair and when she's on the couch and you're on the chair".
A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving [edit]
- Emily: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.
- Lorelai: No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.
- Emily: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.
- Kirk: Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
- Luke: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
- Jess: Thanks for what?
- Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
- Lorelai: Amen.
- Lorelai: So no offense but what's with that lame-o kiss?
- Rory: What?
- Lorelai: You and Jess, you look like a couple of chickens pecking each other.
- Rory: Mind your own business.
- Lorelai: Well it was right in front of me.
- Rory: So, I don't need a review.
- Lorelai: What's that?
- Sookie: That is a vat of boiling oil.
- Lorelai: Really? Where's Quasimodo?
- Sookie: This is not a joking matter.
- Rory: What is the oil for?
- Lorelai: For pouring on Visigoths.
- Sookie: Lorelai!
- Lorelai: When else am I gonna get to use my Visigoth material?
- Sookie: Just a sec, hon. How’s your love life, Pete? A little frustrated, I bet. Wondering how I know that? ‘Cause you’re taking it out on my egg whites. Gently, fold them gently. Cheryl – you’re slicing not dicing, I can hear it in the chop. Adjust, my friend.
- Paris: Oh. Well, by all means, Madeline, you should point out to the faculty that their annoying custom of teaching is distracting you from more important things like nail filing and daydreaming about marrying Ryan Phillippe.
- Paris: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie.
- Rory: How so?
- Paris: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It’s Thanksgiving – you’d think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers.
- Madeline: Bummer.
- Paris: I’m on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn’t look good.
- Rory: I’ve never heard of too many volunteers.
- Paris: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can’t all be students like me. They’re not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don’t get a thing. Talk about selfish.
- Natalie: You have your mother’s wit.
- Emily: Sometimes I wish she’d give it back.
- Dave:Wow, you run really quiet.
- Lane:Sorry, I'm sorry about everything.
- Dave:What?
- Lane:The whole night. I had no idea she'd make you play five straight hours without a break.
- Dave:It's okay.
- Lane:Your hands must be dead.
- Dave:They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that?
That'll Do, Pig [edit]
- Emily: If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?
- Lorelai: That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?
- Emily: This couch cannot stay.
- Lorelai: Yes, it can.
- Emily: It’s awful.
- Lorelai: It can hear you.
- Lorelai: Okay, so monkey lamp’s in the closet, singing rabbi’s in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia’s under your bed. How do I look?
- Rory: Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.
- Lorelai: You look pretty, too.
- Lorelai: You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma.
- Emily: What are you talking about?
- Lorelai: You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example.
- Emily: What about you?
- Lorelai: Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of.
- Emily: Like what?
- Lorelai: Like this couch.
- Emily: Well, this couch is terrible.
- Lorelai: Okay, good – you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore.
- Emily: No?
- Lorelai: No.
- Emily: Why not?
- Lorelai: Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it.
- Emily: You take pleasure in my disapproval?
- Lorelai: I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh.
- Emily: I don't know what to think of that.
- Lorelai: Think, ‘hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.
- Clara: Is Jess your real name?
- Jess: Yes.
- Clara: Do you like it?
- Jess: It's fine.
- Clara: Would you rather be named Bill?
- Jess: No.
- Clara: Frank?
- Jess: No.
- Clara: Mike?
- Jess: No.
- Clara: Bob?
- Jess: No.
- Clara: Ed?
- Jess: Does this belong to you?
- Dean: Clara, you want a snowcone?
- Clara: Yes, will you get me a snowcone?
- Jess: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.
- Jess: I can't concentrate with you're midget voice jabbering on and on. It's like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear!
- Clara: You missed... You missed... You missed...
- Jess: You wanna learn how to fly?
I Solemnly Swear [edit]
- Lorelai: Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?
- Sookie: Not me.
- Lorelai: And floors.
- Sookie: Doors and floors, we can’t afford that.
- Lorelai: Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.
- Sookie: I can just imagine the phone calls.
- Paris: How many times do I have to tell them? You can’t put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater – otherwise, you get this.
- Rory: Gravy on your asparagus.
- Paris: Yes.
- Rory: Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.
- Michel: My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp that used to love to yap to his friends all night long. It was so cute. Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew, but sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic.
- Lorelai: You got rid of a dog?
- Michel: No.
- Lorelai: How could you get rid of a dog?
- Michel: I will gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer and the results of the lie detector test.
- Lorelai: You’re heinous.
- Michel: And very well rested.
- Emily: [Reading from the transcript of Lorelai's deposition] "I mean, if you guys have a lunch or an afternoon squash game or something. . .you look like the kind of guys who play squash. And hey, why's it called squash? Is it something to do with the fruit? Or vegetable, right? A squash is a vegetable, though if you ask me, it's gross no matter what you call it. Well, anyway, what I'm saying is you might want to clear your afternoon."
- Sookie: He keeps saying how he liked me back then and how this is his second chance.
- Lorelai: He's liked you for 10 years.
- Sookie: Yes.
- Lorelai: Wow, That is some serious Great Gatsby pinning.
- Sookie: I know.
- Lorelai: You're his Daisy.
- Sookie: I am? I'm his Daisy? Oh I'm someone's Daisy.
- Lorelai: It's very flattering.
- Sookie: It is very flattering.
- Joe: We had a real interesting group. Sookie, me, Feldman, Mellon and Bung.
- Lorelai: Bung?
- Sookie: He was the grillman. He's been up there for a couple of years already. Joe and I were both prep.
- Lorelai: And I repeat Bung?
- Alex: Don't look at me. I'm still wondering if Mellon's a man or a woman.
- Emily: That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.
- Lorelai: Hm.
- Emily: You might at least act surprised.
- Lorelai: It’s not the first time, is it?
- Emily: It most certainly is.
- Lorelai: Really?
- Emily: Yes, Lorelai, really.
- Lorelai: Well, then, I’m surprised.
- Rory: Which maid was it?
- Emily: Gertha, the one from Hamburg, Germany.
- Lorelai: Which one was she?
- Rory: You remember. She was the one who you made all those Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.
- Lorelai: God, I beat that dead horse.
- Rory: With glee.
- Emily: She was the clomper.
- Lorelai: The clomper?
- Emily: She'd be upstairs making the bed and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.
- Lorelai: That's why you fired her?
- Emily: Yes.
- Lorelai: Because she made noise when she walked?
- Emily: Yes.
- Lorelai: Was she a good maid otherwise?
- Emily: What?
- Lorelai: Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside?
- Emily: Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point.
- Lorelai: Well, I guess it’s always something, isn’t it?
- Emily: What’s that supposed to mean?
- Lorelai: It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn’t it just easier to let a couple things slide?
- Emily: I see. So it’s my fault?
- Lorelai: I didn’t say that.
- Emily: No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I’ve been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I’m not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?
- Lorelai: It isn’t hard to understand, it’s just –
- Emily: If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I’m not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.
- Maid: Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner’s ready
- Emily: Thank you, Brooke, we’ll be right there.
- [Brooke walks away; Lorelai and Rory start to get up]
- Emily: Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that?
- Lorelai: Hear what?
- Emily: Exactly.
- Emily: When did you two get here?
- Lorelai: Sometime between the second "Absurd!" and the third "Unbelievable!"
- Lorelai: Okay. Now, Sookie’s on top of the menu. Let’s make sure the dining room’s open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they’ll need.
- Michel: Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don’t People Think You Know What The Hell You’re Doing?"
Lorelai, Out of Water [edit]
- Rory: I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what’s his story?
- Lane: James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn’t meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.
- Rory: I hope they cut air holes in the box.
- Lorelai: Hey, got any good stories?
- Luke: Nope, sorry.
- Lorelai: Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?
- Luke: Jeff Smith?
- Lorelai: Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?
- Luke: It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?
- Luke: So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?
- Lorelai: That’s right.
- Luke: And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?
- Lorelai: Yes.
- Luke: And you sanctioned this?
- Rory: Yes.
- Luke: Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.
- Lorelai: The Fishing Channel.
- Luke: I fish.
- Paris: And in regards to the student council meeting –
- Rory: Oh, you mean the one where you tried to impeach me because you haven’t been properly diagnosed yet?
- Lorelai: Hey! Aw, they’re so cute! Hello, hi boys. And look, they’re all "ooh" like they’re singing in a little trout choir.
- Luke: I wouldn’t get too attached.
- Lorelai: Hi Gomer.
- Luke: There you go.
- Lorelai: Oh, don’t be scared Pinky.
- Luke: And now there’s Pinky.
- Lorelai: Pinky Dowdy from fourth grade. See her eyes darting back and forth, all panicked? She got that way from dodge ball. It’s okay, Pinky, nobody’s gonna hurt you. Hey Pete, stop crowding Pinky. It’s okay, Pinky, just go over there behind Cheryl.
- Rory: You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.
- Lorelai: [walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.
- Rory: Which are?
- Lorelai: My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.
- Lorelai: I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!
Dear Emily and Richard [edit]
- [Flashback to Rory's birth.]
- Young Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
- Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.
- Young Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help. Can I hit you instead?
- Nurse: What?
- Young Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
- Nurse: No, you cannot hit me.
- Young Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you, 'cause I really need to do something.
- Lorelai: Mom, I swear, it was Aunt Maureen.
- Emily: Aunt Maureen would never hike up her skirt in public.
- Lorelai: She would after half a gallon of eggnog.
- Emily: Yes, but you’re not a kid, you’re a grown woman. What are people going to think when they see a grown woman bunking down with a bunch of twenty-year-olds?
- Lorelai: Well, if the twenty-year-olds are cute, they’ll probably think, "Lucky!"
- Jess: What are the extra pickles on?
- Dean: On the side.
- Jess: On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I’m gonna dump your body into is?
- Lorelai: Well, he decided that golf was dull and he doesn’t want to be remembered as dull.
- Michel: Would he like to be remembered as limping, because I can be a fabulous help with that.
- Michel: Here’s an idea – it’s a retirement party, yes? Okay. So what happens after you retire? You die.
- Lorelai: He changed his mind.
- Lane: Again?
- Michel: So, why don’t we dig a big hole, throw him in, hand everybody a shovel, they take turns covering him up. We go inside, have dinner, the wife gets used to eating alone. . .
- Lorelai: We are not going to bury him alive.
- Michel: [huffily] Well, fine then.
- Rory: I just need to go on record that a grown man should not throw himself a Beanie Baby retirement party.
- Lorelai: Just hold your breath this one actually takes.
- Rory: And how is Sookie supposed to plan a Beanie Baby menu?
- Lorelai: Lots of beans.
- Lorelai: It’s from my mother.
- Rory: What is it?
- Lorelai: It’s heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.
- Rory: I thought she discarded those years ago.
- Young Christopher: Where’s Sofia?
- Young Lorelai: Fired.
- Young Christopher: Already?
- Young Lorelai: She touched the Baccarat unicorn.
- Young Christopher: My God, is she insane?
- Young Lorelai: Apparently so.
- Lorelai: And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you’re sitting like that.
- Sherry: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster.
- Lorelai: Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
- Emily: I’m not an invalid, Lorelai.
- Lorelai: Well, of course you are, mother. Why else would I suggest a DVD player?
- Emily: You do not just leave a note. You call and say: "Mom, I'm in labor. Will you please drive me to the damned hospital?!"
- Young Lorelai: Hey, Mom, it's me, Lorelai! I'm home and I'm takin' my sweater off! Takin' my sweater off and droppin' it on the floor! Droppin' it on the floor and walkin' away! Walkin' away and leavin' it on the floor! And in five years, I'm gonna register Democrate!
Swan Song [edit]
- Emily: She sucks her olive pits.
- Lorelai: Short moratorium.
- Emily: Trying to extract every last ounce of flavor out of them like she does people.
- Lorelai: She sucks flavor out of people?
- Rory: Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.
- Lorelai: Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.
- Rory: Good. That’ll make it nice and quiet for when I study.
- Lorelai: I’m that loud?
- Rory: You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory’s Studying’ songs.
- Lorelai: Man, that was some stealthy little maneuver she pulled there, huh? Applying the guilt over not knowing about the Dean breakup and making you all weak, and then using that to get Jess to come to dinner on Friday. She’s like Lyndon Johnson with the Senate, effortless.
- Jess: Does she know what I look like?
- Rory: I don’t think so.
- Jess: Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight.
- Miss Patty: Okay, here we go. Hey, did you know that I once met the great Bette Davis? I was a chorus girl in a bus-and-truck tour of "Guys and Dolls." Beantown, I love that town. And there I was, me and the girls backstage after the show, and in she comes. And who does she walk right up to, but little old me. And she sized me up, exhaled some smoke from that regal mouth of hers, and said, "Doll, you don’t got the high notes but you sure got the gams." I’ll always treasure that moment with Bette and I wanna dedicate this song to her. Uh, Ethel, key a D.
- Kirk: We’re gonna have to rewrite that.
- Miss Patty: What?
- Kirk: It got no response. It needs a rewrite.
- Miss Patty: Kirk, it’s my reminiscence. I can’t rewrite it.
- Kirk: How about if she says, "Doll, you’ve got the gams, but I’ve got a body in the trunk of my car."
- Miss Patty: Why would she say that?
- Kirk: Because she’s a murderer. I think it works.
- Miss Patty: I’m not rewriting my memories, Kirk.
- Rory: The woman taught me everything I’ve already forgotten about dancing, baton twirling and gymnastics.
- Rory: Okay, what’s the packing crisis?
- Lorelai: That’s the thing. I have no packing crisis. For the first time in my life, there is no packing crisis. See? This has never happened to me before. I’m all packed, ready to go, and fully confident that I have everything I’ll need or desire.
- Rory: So you’re creating a crisis out of nostalgia?
- Rory: Dean, this whole friend thing with us isn’t going to work if we’re not honest with each other.
- Dean: I agree.
- Rory: Okay, so, anything you wanna tell me?
- Dean: Corn’s two for a dollar?
- Jess: Just lay low, it’ll come.
- Luke: Does it act all peaceful and Bambi-like and then suddenly attack like the rabbit in Monty Python?
- Luke: When you date a girl like Rory, you’re involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.
- Rory: We need a signal.
- Lorelai: A kissing signal?
- Rory: Something to avoid this.
- Lorelai: Okay, um, how ‘bout I shoot off a flare when I’m outside necking with a boy?
- Rory: You know what I mean.
- Lorelai: Or I could bang on the door and yell, "Hey, we’re necking out here!"
- Rory: I still say we need a signal.
- [Jess reluctantly admits to Luke he was attacked by a swan]
- Luke Danes: I've just never heard anyone use "beaked" as a verb before.
Face-Off [edit]
- Lorelai: Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically – Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?
- Lorelai: Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something – you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn’t have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.
- Rory: Brian Hutchins?
- Lorelai: Seventh grade, I’m sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don’t see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too.
- Rory: That’s demented.
- Lorelai: Well, that’s what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the Susan Faludi’s of the world came from?
- Man 2: I was in France during the Big One.
- Michel: Oh, that’s nice. So -
- Man 2: Nice? It was a war. What’s nice about that?
- Michel: Of course. So, your father is –
- Man 2: Don’t give me that attitude, Frenchy. You’d be speaking German now if it wasn’t for me.
- Emily: I have to buy her flowers. She doesn’t like mine, they’re too tall. It’s ostentatious to have flowers that tall.
- Lorelai: Actually, I’ve been meaning to mention that to you myself.
- Lorelai: It’ll be fun. There’ll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave.
- Rory: You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you?
- Rory: If I had known sports were so much about eating, I would’ve come to a lot more of these.
- Lane: I know. There’s something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while eating junk food.
- Isabelle: It’s obscene.
- Trix: It’s Picasso.
- Isabelle: Then Picasso is obscene.
- Trix: Oh, Isabelle.
- Isabelle: It has six breasts.
- Trix: You cannot be sure if those are breasts. They could be cannons. He was quite obsessed with the Spanish Civil War for awhile.
- Kirk: Well, ladies and gentlemen, much like the Israelites of Yore, the Stars Hollow Minutemen languished in the desert for forty years. But tonight, there was no Promised Land, no New Canaan, only a humiliating five to one defeat at the merciless hands of the West Hartford Wildcats. So it’s back to the desert for the Minutemen, perhaps for another forty years. Of course, by then, I’ll be seventy years old. A lot of the rest of you will probably be dead. Taylor, you’ll be dead. Babette, Miss Patty. . .that man there in the hat.
- Lorelai: So how's Gran doing?
- Rory: Does she miss London?
- Emily: Not half as much as I do.
- Richard: Emily...
- Emily: I never really truly appreciated the Atlantic Ocean before. 3000 lovely miles of water.
- Richard: You are talking about my mother.
- Emily: I know that, Richard.
- Lane: What do you mean? He’s jealous. Oh my God, he’s jealous, that’s so great.
- Rory: You’ve worked your womanly wiles on him, Lane Kim.
- Lane: I’ve never made a guy jealous before. I feel so powerful.
- Rory: Just remember, there’s cute jealous and there’s Othello.
- Rory: Your mom loves Dave?
- Lane: She said he’s a righteous young man who’s proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that’s pretty close to love.
The Big One [edit]
- Madeline: How do you leave the house every morning and not have a piano fall on your head?
- Brad: Well, I make a left on Federal and then –
- Rory: It’s nothing, it’s just Paris. There’s this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn’t even going to enter it, but I don’t know – with the whole ‘it’s my last chance to crush you before graduation’ comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying ‘I win, I win, I win!’
- Lorelai: Wow, you’re getting more and more like me everyday.
- Richard: Ah, you’re here.
- Lorelai: And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
- Richard: It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
- Lorelai: Come again?
- Richard: Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
- [they start walking to the living room]
- Lorelai: Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?
- Richard: Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.
- Lorelai: What?
- Richard: Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
- Lorelai: Right, the muttonchops.
- Lorelai:: Yes, they will. You’re a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.
- Richard: That’s a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.
- Lorelai: It’s like watching the Men’s Wearhouse security camera.
- Jackson: What is this?
- Sookie: It’s my cleaver.
- Jackson: What if Baby fell on it?
- Sookie: You mean, what if Baby rolled off the sink and into the open second drawer? It wouldn’t be good.
- Paris: You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I’m not going to Harvard? I can’t. I’m not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I’m not going to Harvard.
- Rory: Okay.
- Paris: And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
- Rory: Thank you and good night.
- Paris: I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard.
- Rory: Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]
- Paris: She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!
- Lorelai: [to coat-check woman] Um, excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
- Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there, take a look. Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right.
- Lorelai: Thank you. Hm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
- Sookie: I’m not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I’m a chef, I have to have knives.
- Jackson: Sookie.
- Sookie: And I’m also not cutting off the water supply and I’m not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I’m sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I’m sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.
- Rory: Mom's a little crabby this morning.
- Lorelai: I am not crabby. I'm very very ill.
- Rory: With allergies.
- Lorelai: Deadly allergies.
- Rory: Sorry, I didn't mean to minimize your condition. Shall we make funeral arrangements now?
- Lorelai: Yes, and make sure you get your money back if these pills work.
- Rory: Where did you get these?
- Lorelai: Found them in your room.
- Rory: These expired in 1998.
- Lorelai: So... What I should take 4 then?
A Tale of Poes and Fire [edit]
- Babette: Hey Michel, I just hit F4 and the Num Lock key and the one with the little apple on it and it's freakin' out like it's on acid or something!
- Luke: Well, he didn't even tell me about it. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having.
- Lorelai: Are you going?
- Luke: Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible, it would kill him. Yeah, I'm going.
- Lorelai: Good boy.
- Sookie: Well, ever since I got pregnant, I've become very nurturing toward all living things. Jackson, too.
- Lorelai: Well, both your bodies are changing.
- Sookie: Yesterday.. .ugh, it was awful. Jackson moved a table and just kind of nicked this spider. He didn't see the little thing, and just clipped one of its legs. And it was having trouble walking and we were so upset, but Jackson made a new leg for it out of a paper clip, but jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly. Little Satchmo.
- Lorelai: You named the spider Satchmo?
- Sookie: After Jackson's uncle.
- Lorelai: Oh, mime. That reminds me – Yale, best drama school bar none. Put that in the pro column.
- Rory: I'm not taking drama.
- Lorelai: No, but it means you'll have the best on-campus productions. You'll get to see the next Meryl Streep all goofy and eighteen and doing crap like, "Hey, name an occupation!" "Plumber!" "Name a farm tool now!" "Tractor!" "Hey, I'm a tractor doing. . .plumbing."
- Lorelai: Um, help the guests with the kids, make sure they're not freaked out. Gather them up and entertain them for awhile so the adults can catch their breath.
- Rory: Right. I have never entertained kids – how do I do that?
- Lorelai: Uh, take your socks off and do a puppet show.
- Rory: You've clearly never entertained kids either.
- [Rory is entertaining some kids by using her socks to give a puppet show. Lorelai walks over]
- Rory: "Where are you going? I told you to take out the garbage!" "Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football and sit in my reclining chair." "Get back here or I'm gonna get you. . ." [sees Lorelai] Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.
- Boy: No, keep going.
- Rory: Oh, calm down there, little scooter. I'll be right back.
- [Rory walks over to Lorelai]
- Lorelai: Hey Shari Lewis, how's the show going?
- Rory: Oh, they're riveted.
- Lorelai: Okay. [to kids] Hey, guys, go on over to the diner and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder – it's part of the game!'
- Sookie: Got any plates that aren't cracked?
- Luke: You're the one that's cracked.
- Sookie: Nice thing to say to a pregnant woman.
- Luke: You're pregnant?
- Lorelai: Could you be any farther behind?
Happy Birthday, Baby [edit]
- Tobin: Michel, did you get a bagel?
- Michel: I don't want a bagel.
- Tobin: Are you sure? They're kosher.
- Michel: I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die.
- Sookie: Ew! Shut up!
- Emily: I don't need anybody doing me any favors. You are released from your obligation, Lorelai. Have a nice birthday, have a nice life. I'm going to bed.
- Emily: Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.
- Lorelai: Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles?
- Emily: Oh, Teresa can do that.
- Lorelai: Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.
- Emily: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it?
- Lorelai: No.
- Richard: Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?
- Lorelai: Why am I being mocked on my birthday?
- Richard: Because it's the Gilmore way.
- Taylor: I'd like the wording to be a little harsher.
- Nicole: Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even 2 hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme.
- Taylor: It may seem extreme, but those candy people are shifty characters.
- Nicole: Why don't we leave the wording as it is for now and see how things go. We can get tougher later if necessary.
- Luke: Yeah you could send over a couple of oompa-loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.
- Rory: The spirit of giving is completely lost on you.
- Lorelai: But the spirit of getting is alive and well. And it wants its chimney swept.
- Richard: This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me.
- Lorelai: Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.
- Emily: Richard, at least let Pena serve it.
- Lorelai: No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come.
- Richard: Well, I have something for you.
- (places an envelope on the table)
- Lorelai: Is it a hat?
- Richard: No.
- Lorelai: Is it a purse?
- Richard: No.
- Lorelai: Horse?
- Richard: Lorelai.
- Lorelai: George Foreman Grill?
- Paris: [to boy] I will not let you look at my nose for ten dollars, you sick job. Beat it, now! Come back when you have a twenty. [to Rory] What? Just making lemonade here.
- Lorelai: Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos.
- Richard: What are Jimmy Choos?
- Lorelai: Shoes.
- Richard: 150 pairs, that’s it?
- Lorelai: Dad, they’re Jimmy Choos.
- Richard: For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes.
- Lorelai: Not Jimmy Choos.
- Richard: But that’s ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I’m sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear?
- Lorelai: Yes, sir.
Keg! Max! [edit]
- Sookie: I don't know, I've been keeping my distance because of what happened.
- Lorelai: What happened?
- Sookie: Well, he was lying on the floor pretty much like that, tinkering in the stuff back there and I got down and leaned in to see what he was doing, and after a while I realized that the whole time, my hand was on his butt.
- Dave: What we need is a name.
- Brian: I made my suggestion.
- Zach: Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters". Next.
- Brian: So yours is better?
- Zach: "Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert" is memorable and classy.
- Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
- Zach: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
- Dave: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
- Brian: Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert" is too long.
- Zach: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to F-T-T-T-E-O-T-D.
- Rory: Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.
- Dave: Thanks.
- Zach: Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.
- Brian: I got as close as I had to.
- Zach: Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.
- Richard: Your Grandmother would come to the phone but she's in the next room dancing with Lloyd Sandstone. [Richard shouts out into the crowd] Watch where you put those hands, Lloyd.
- Rory: A guy named Lloyd is feeling up Grandma?
- Lorelai: Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet.
- Rory: Nice.
- Lorelai: If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl.
- Rory: Got it.
- Lorelai: And keep in mind that getting up on a table and performing a song of any kind will haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust me. Been there, done that.
- Rory: I wasn't planning on doing that.
- Lorelai: Hon, those things are never planned.
- Rory: It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.
- Lorelai: Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.
- Lorelai: Okay, I didn't bring a frickin' tape measure. I'm not good at judging distances. You'll have to help me out with the ten feet thing.
- Max: Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us.
- Lorelai: Wow, I bet there's a sentence that's never been uttered before
Say Goodnight, Gracie [edit]
- Lorelai: Hey, Luke.
- Luke: I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
- Lorelai: Sure, yeah.
- Rory: Ten minutes is great.
- Luke: And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
- Lorelai: And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
- Luke: Can I finish my story?
- Lorelai: I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
- Luke: And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with "Tess". So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the hummel.
- Lorelai: The what?
- Luke: Exactly.
- Dave: A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
- [Mrs. Kim is silent.]
- Dave: Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
- Mrs. Kim: "Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done."
- Dave: Okay, thank you.
- [Dave and Lane walk outside.]
- Dave: Did you hear what she said?
- Lane: Yes, I did.
- Dave: What did it mean?
- Lane: I don't know.
- Dave: Was it a yes, was it a no?
- Lane: I'm not sure.
- Dave: Well, it's gotta be from the Bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.
- Lorelai: Okay. Your first cop-raided party. I am just so proud.
- Rory: Mom.
- Lorelai: I just wish I could've been there.
- Rory: It was no big deal.
- Lorelai: Did they bring the paddywagon?
- Rory: Yeah, but then we snuck out the backdoor of the speak-easy and headed straight for the Algonquin.
- Lorelai: How was Benchley?
- Rory: Drunk again.
- Taylor: Uh, in a second, Jess. Give him a taffy. I come to announce to one and all that the day we all thought would never get here has arrived.
- Kirk: Arbor Day?
- Taylor: No.
- Kirk: The Day of Reckoning?
- Taylor: No
- Kirk: The Day the Music Died?
- Taylor: Kirk.
- Kirk: Give me a taffy.
- Taylor: What?
- Kirk: I've got a million of 'em. Give me a taffy!
- Miss Patty': You know, it's times like these that you realize what is truly important in your life. I'm so glad I had all that sex.
- Priest: As we close, I'd like to honor a special request Fran had, and that is to take one final stroll around the Town Square before going to her final resting place. All those who would like to participate, please assemble outside.
- Mrs. Kim: [to Lane] Walking with dead people not my thing. Let's go.
- Lorelai: We very respectfully hover in his vicinity until the walk is over.
- Sookie: Then we will politely ask him to get in touch with us.
- Lorelai: Yes. Coming?
- Rory: No, you guys go ahead. I'll be in the back of the line so that when the earth opens up and swallows you whole, I'll be here to tell the story.
- Dave: I stayed up all night. I read the entire Bible cover to cover. I don't know what it means.
- Mrs. Kim: David.
- Dave: You have to tell me what it means. Is it yes, is it no? I can't feel my right elbow anymore. I don't even know why, but I can't.
- Mrs. Kim: David.
- Dave: Please, just tell me. I'm so tired.
- Mrs. Kim:It's not from the Bible.
- Dave: What?
- Mrs. Kim: It's Shakespeare, Henry VI. I like to goof off now and then, too, you know.
- Dave: Shakespeare.
- Mrs. Kim: That is a very difficult thing to do, reading the Bible in one night. I myself have only done it three times. You need great determination and excellent light. I'm very impressed. All right.
- Lorelai: I was negotiating at a funeral.
- Rory: I saw.
- Lorelai: Which might've been the most inappropriate thing to happen today until that gnat flew into Kirk's mouth and he freaked and dropped the casket.
- Rory: Hey, here's a picture of Kirk pinned by the casket.
- Lorelai: Oh, yeah, that's a good one.
- Rory: Man, it's bad enough this had to happen, but his pants splitting on top of it?
- Lorelai: Yeah. I hope he never takes too close a look at his life.
- Rory: Amen. So this goes on the fridge, right?
Here Comes the Son [edit]
- Lorelai: "Where's the ladies room?" "More coffee, please." "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"
- Rory: We do not need to know how to say "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"
- Lorelai: Oh, yes, we do.
- Rory: Mom.
- Lorelai: When we're in Spain, we need to know how to say, "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?" When in France, "Does Johnny Depp live near here?"
- Rory: When in Rome, "Does Gore Vidal live near here?"
- Lorelai: You know, you look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you.
- Lorelai: Oh, fine. Hey, how important do you think it is to be able to say, "Help, I'm bleeding from the head"?
- Rory: Hm? Oh, I found that if I focus too much on one subject, I start to get a little punchy. This way, when I hit Bolshevik Revolution overload, I just shift over here and, oh, hello, Anne Boleyn is going down, and then when that gets too depressing, it's right over to calculus.
- Lorelai: Saving the party subject for last, huh?
- Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory? 'Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.
- Luke: I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?
- Lorelai: Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.
- Sasha: Hey, did you ever see The Wizard of Oz?
- Jess: Yes.
- Sasha: Remember when they go to the Emerald City and they ring the bell and the guy with the beard stuck his head out and they said that they wanted to see the wizard, and he said no, and they said, 'She's got the ruby slippers', and he said 'Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in.'
- Jess: Yes.
- Sasha: Well, I'm the guy with the beard and I'm saying the no unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.
- Jess: I'm his son.
- Sasha: His son?
- Jess: Yes, his son.
- Sasha: Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in.
- Louise: I feel so helpless. Did you hear? Jean jackets are out.
- Rory: Out of where?
- Madeline: Vogue.
- Louise: No, Marie Claire.
- Madeline: Whatever. We still can't wear them.
- Jimmy: It's fine. So, first time on the West Coast?
- Jess: First time on the West Coast.
- Jimmy: Okay. The sites. Ocean.
- Jess: I wondered what that was.
- Jimmy:Sand.
- Jess: Keeps the ocean in its place.
- Jimmy: Sky.
- Jess:We've got one of those back east.
- Jess: I take it you like the beach.
- Jimmy: I would marry the beach if man and property were allowed to mate.
- Paris: Unbutton your top.
- Lorelai: What?
- Paris: Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.
- Lorelai: No.
- Paris:: Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.
- Lorelai: Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.
- Sasha: I said he could be in trouble. He could be running from the cops, or attempting to hop across America on one foot, or he really did come all the way from Connecticut just to have pizza with his father who he's not seen or heard from in seventeen years.
- Jimmy: What are the odds it's the last one?
- Lorelai: Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.
- Rory: Paranoid.
- Lorelai: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.
- Lorelai: [reads] "Hey, Aurory Borealis." Okay, can't talk to this one ever again. [reads] "You have been my inspiration, my rock, my light. I loved you in South Pacific." When did you do South Pacific?
- Rory: What?
- Lorelai: Some dipstick named Shauna thinks you were in South Pacific.
- Rory: Oh, Shauna tends to get people mixed up.
- Lorelai: Hey, you know what's weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you a valedictorian. Is that anything like a dirty skank, 'cause if it is I'll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk.
Those Are Strings, Pinocchio [edit]
- Rory: We're in pain, Luke.
- Luke: But it's great that you guys are bearing it so nobly. And can you move these?
- Rory: Can? No.
- Lorelai: Would if we could? Debatable.
- Paris: Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.
- Rory: Oh, good, thanks.
- Paris: Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?
- Rory: No.
- Paris: Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity.
- Rory: Okay.
- Paris: A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.
- Taylor: Moving on. Now people, I know it's an unpleasant subject, but the deer population in this town is reaching monstrous proportions.
- Gypsy: Not this again.
- Miss Patty: He's always going on about the deer.
- Luke: Leave 'em alone, Taylor.
- Taylor: But they're taking over the town. We need to institute partial elimination.
- Morey: Partial elimination?
- Gypsy: You wanna kill the little romping Bambis?
- Taylor: People, do I have to detail the problems that these deer cause?
- Luke: No, but you will.
- Taylor: Lyme disease, auto accidents, plane accidents.
- Luke: We have flying deer?
- Miss Patty: Oh, that's scary.
- Babette: Yeah. Those ones you can snuff.
- Lorelai: Wait, wait. Look around for a second. Notice?
- Rory: Notice what?
- Lorelai: It's not so scary anymore.
- Rory: No, it's not.
- Rory: What are we doing?
- Lorelai: Leaving our mark. Got a knife?
- Rory: A knife? For what?
- Lorelai: For carving our initials. Come on. Knife, knife.
- Rory: Sorry, I didn't put my switchblade in my sock.
- Rory: Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who've been my mentors, so many people who've shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore...
- Sookie: (With tears in her eyes) Uh, oh -
- Lorelai: (Also on the verge of crying) Hang in there.
- Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her...
- Sookie: (Choked up) Not crying.
- Lorelai: (Slightly crying) Crying a little.
- Sookie: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.
- Rory: (Tearfully) Thank you Mom, you are my guidepost for everything.
- Sookie: On the verge of blubbering here.
- Jackson: (Chocked up, tearfully) Not doing too well myself.
- Lorelai: (Looks over to see Luke) Not you, too.
- Luke: (Tearfully blubbering) I'm blubbering, you freaks!
