House (Season 5)

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | Main


House (2004-2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Dying Changes Everything (5.01)[edit]

Cuddy: When was the last time you talked to him?
House: I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to step on your turf.

Foreman: We just got a call from Patty Mishner from Womens majority, the women's rights...
Cuddy: We know who she is.
House: I dated her. Well, not really dated her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis. [To Foreman] You did too.

Thirteen: Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12. It's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic.
House: Great, now everyone knows.
Taub: You knew she had cancer?
House: Is that what she said? I thought she said, "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career even though, in reality, she's just a glorified grunt, because I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok not to have a life because I don't have a life because I was tested for Huntington's and my lifespan's been cut in half."

House: Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.

House: I'm busy.
Thirteen: We need you to…
House: Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just an euphemism for "get the hell out of here."

Wilson: I just need a change of scenery.
House: Buy a plant!

Chase: You want me to do a second major surgery on a patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery?

House: People die! You, Amber, everyone. Don’t act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don’t like it, there are exits on every floor.

Thirteen: This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions.

[Cuddy comes to House’s place]
Cuddy: You mind if I come in?
House: Not at all. Do you mind if I leave?

[Cuddy heads the team while House is absent]
Taub: What do you want us to do?
Cuddy: The same thing you'd do if he was here.
Taub: If he was here, we’d be asking him what to do.

Wilson: I don't blame you for Amber's death. As much as I've tried to find a way to, I couldn't. But we're not okay. I didn't want to tell you the truth. I'm tired of protecting you and enabling you. We're not friends anymore, House. I don't think we ever were.

[Cuddy forces Wilson and House to discuss their relationship]
Cuddy: Talk to each other.
House: [turns to Wilson]... How you doing? Good?
Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[Both try to leave]
Cuddy: Ehh-ehh-ehh-ehh! Sit!
[Both return to the sofa]
Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
House: ... think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel of what he's doing.
House: I told him he's an idiot.
Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
House: I think he's an idiot.
Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
House: You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?
Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Cuddy: [referring to Wilson] Go to hell!
House: So much for that theory.

Wilson: I'd need a flowchart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.

Not Cancer (5.02)[edit]

House: Wanna be my friend?
Lucas: No, you scare me a little.

House: (after the patient hallucinated that he was going to chop her head off and looks at Foreman) Hallucinations. That's a brain thing, right?

Adverse Events (5.03)[edit]

Cuddy: How did you know that I liked roses?
PI Lucas : I was in your house last night.

Birthmarks (5.04)[edit]

House: "Lost track of your speed"? I think that was Hitler's excuse. "Lost track of the Jews".

House: (To Wilson in a fast voice): Struggle to resist one's captors is never pointless...Viva de la RESIST-ANCE!!!!

House: My mom didn't call Cuddy, she called you! I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much.

[House forces Wilson to confess that he cut himself off from House to regulate his life]
House: Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it!
[Wilson grabs a bottle from the counter and hurls it into the stained glass window in rage. When he realizes what he has done, he looks mortified.]
House: ...Still not boring.

Wilson: I'm doing this for your mom.
House: I'm not doing this at all. Join me on the dark side!

House: Differential. Say you're a middle-aged chinese woman..
Wilson: Fine.
House: Say it.
Wilson: "I'm a middle-aged chinese woman."

Wilson: I guess no one gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not sure anymore we even choose who our friends are. [House glances up at him questioningly] I spoke with Cuddy, she hasn't filled my position yet.
House: If you're coming back because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness... [Wilson smiles] ...I'd be okay with that.
Wilson: I'm coming back because you're right. That strange annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.
House: [gives him a long look] You hungry?
Wilson: [nods]
[The two proceed to leave House's office]
House: [pauses] Wilson. [Wilson looks at him] My dad's dead.
Wilson: Yeah. My sympathies.

House: [to Wilson] My ringtone for you is "Dancing Queen" by Abba

Lucky Thirteen (5.05)[edit]

House: Thirteen, go stick a needle into your girlfriend's pelvis; and, no, that one wasn't a metaphor. Suck out some marrow; that one was.

House: Okay, score of the score, scale of one to ten. (writes down number on chart)
Thirteen: Don't answer.
Spencer: (winces and then groans) SEVEN! [Thirteen looks at her with her eyes wide and slightly appalled]
House: [looking triumphant] Finally get one right. [holds out chart, and there's a big 7 written on it; Thirteen looks over at the chart with a glare]

House: You're fired.
Thirteen: What? You just defended me!
House: No, I just prevented you from taking a drug test. Probably saved your career. I'm already responsible for one doctor with a drug habit. [takes a Vicodin pill]
Thirteen: I don't have a drug habit!
House: The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass.

Lucas: What does that even mean, 'dating a hooker'?
House: He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Saviour to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg, second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.
Lucas: From you or the ho?
House: The ho's just using him for his money. [pauses] Wait, bad example.
Lucas: Normally in situations, I'd follow the girl, find something embarrassing to show him. But since that's our starting position...

[After House discusses his team's personal lives as a result of his PI's investigations, Foreman walks with House and wonders why House hasn't discussed his personal life)
Foreman: Why didn't you talk about my life? You taunted everyone else with theirs.
House: Because I know everything about your life.
Foreman: No you don't.
House: Yes I do. I know that you burgled a house when you were seventeen. My PI investigated you.
Foreman: No, you didn't. You didn't talk about what you found out because you didn't find out anything.
House: You're right. [Lift door closes but House stops it with his cane] Only because you've done nothing fun or vaguely interesting since you were seventeen. And that's just sad. [The lift door closes as he says this]

Foreman: Do you think I'm boring?
Chase: Yes.
Foreman: You're saying that just to screw with me.
Chase: Yeah! Why would you expect anything else?
Foreman: I expect House to pull my strings, I expect Cameron to make me feel better, I expect the new team to kiss my ass, and I expect you to be honest, 'cause you don't give a crap.
Chase: [thinks for a moment] Yes. You're boring. That speech was boring.
Foreman: [sarcastic] Thanks so much.
Chase: You don't let other people's problems affect you. You don't let your own problems affect you, and it's the screw-ups that make us interesting. You're never out of control, which is good... and boring. Never losing control means you're never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits. On the other hand, you do have a tattoo, so maybe I'm wrong.

House: Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.

House: You're just upset because the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing... diagnostic skills.

[Thirteen realises that House planned for her to get close to the patient]
Thirteen: You wanted me to get to know her. You were being...kind.

[House realizes that Thirteen had lesbian sex with the patient before her seizure]
House: Oh yeah! Penthouse Forum meets medical mystery, maybe there is a god.

House: People interest me, conversations don't.
Foreman: Because conversations go both ways.
Both: Like Thirteen.

House [to Thirteen]: Why not men? You’re bisexual. If you were just being self-destructive, you'd be having random sex with men. Better chance of getting assaulted, catching a disease. If this were just about getting laid, it'd be a lot easier to pick up men. Or ugly girls. This woman's hot. Which means you like the challenge, the conquest. It’s the control that gets you off. And controlling women is as close as you can get to controlling what's gonna happen to you.
Thirteen: Here I thought I was just into boobs.

House [to Thirteen]: You’re gonna keep spiraling. Keep screwing around. Slashing away at every person who tries to help until no one tries to help anymore. Till you hit bottom. Till you're dead. Until then… I can use you.

Thirteen [to House]: I can handle this alone.
House: You've already handled it. That's why you need a chaperone. Of course, I'm a very permissive understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me. You know, if you're in the mood to start kissing, or groping, or showering.
Thirteen [to Spencer]: You'll have to excuse Dr. House. He mistakes immaturity for edginess.
Spencer: You're Dr. House?
House: I assume my name came up last night in the form of a moan.

House: I haven't sat on this couch in four months. It remembers my cheeks.

Joy (5.06)[edit]

[House watches as Cuddy is holding the newborn baby]
House: Be prepared to tell her the words she's going to hear for the rest of her life: "Mommy has to go to work now."

House: I need a genetic disease.
Wilson: Oh, I'm sure you're carrying a few.

[Cuddy is sitting crying on the floor of the nursery she created that might never be used; someone knocks at the door and she answers it to find House]
Cuddy: It's really not the greatest time for gloating.
House: [walking in] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenaged boys riding bareback.
Cuddy: [shaking her head] No, I'm done. I can't go through that again.
House: You're quitting, just like you quit IVF.
Cuddy: Yeah, just like that.
House: There, you just said it again.[Cuddy smiles]That's too bad. You would have made a great mother.
Cuddy: [looking up in disbelief] You son of a bitch. When I'm getting a baby, you told me I would suck as a mother. Now when I lose it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [Approaching House in anger] Why do you do that?! Why do you NEED to negate EVERYTHING!?
House: [quietly] I don't know. [Cuddy stares at him]
[House moves in and the two share a passionate kiss]

The Itch (5.07)[edit]

Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?
House: I kind of hit that last night so now she's all on my jock.
Thirteen: Wow, she looks pretty good for someone on roofies.

House: The Formster and the Camster kicking it old school. Thank God she's not trying to steal your job.

Wilson: Did you speak to Cuddy last night?
House: She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
Wilson: You spoke to her?
House: Kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock.
Wilson: Whoa...wha..what?
House: Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.
Wilson: You hit? Like making out? Or full on sex or -
House: Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll talk you through it.
Wilson: Well, what are you going to do?
House: What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake -
Wilson: Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.
House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. It was...just a kiss.
Wilson: There's a reason -
House: Yes. Those large things in her bra.
Wilson: You were hiding it from me! Means it meant something to you.
House: Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase 'I hit that'.

Wilson: If you dated Cuddy there would -
[House is answering the phone]
House: Sorry, I get better reception when you're not here.

Cameron: With the risk of infection Chase won't actually -
House: He's not going to do surgery in some crazy dude's house.
Cameron: You just said -
House: What I said was that Chase would put him under at the house, we'd take him into the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op, without him ever finding out that we tricked him. So that was implied.
Cameron: Its unethical.
House: He'll be asleep.
Cameron: He gets to make his own calls, even if he's asleep.

Wilson: Everything else good?
Cuddy: Everything involving me kissing House is good oh God you dragged it out of me you're a genius. It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable, he's a friend, and I leaned on him.
Wilson: Its funny, I've leaned on friends in the past, never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
Cuddy: I don't think of House that way. I never have.
Wilson: Why not?
Cuddy: Well you know exactly how that would go: it'd start off exciting, we'd get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness, and then we'd realise that the flirty hostility is just hostility, and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it's just frustrating, and then it's the inevitable blow up and the recriminations, and we don't talk for two months.
Wilson: Yeah. Well, that certainly proves you've never thought about House in that way.
Cuddy: I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future.
Wilson: That's not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn't have to end bad.

[Cameron and Chase are wheeling the agoraphobic patient through the hospital corridor when Cuddy catches them]
Cuddy: You do know they paged me when that much surgical equipment is signed out.

Cuddy: House, you ok?
House: Yes. We don't need to talk.
Cuddy: Your hand. [looks at the mosquito bite]
House: Huh. That's weird. I usually don't get get the stigmata until Easter.

Chase: Right, forget about the patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team! To avoid this constant flood of pure craziness.
Cameron: It's why I left House. You got fired.

Kutner: How am I supposed to know where you're looking?
Taub: Here's a hint, it's the bloody part.
Kutner: The whole thing's bloody, it's a guy with a hole in his body!
Taub: It's like you've never done this before. Use the suction.
Kutner: I will. And in fact I've never done this before because I went to med school, not nurse school.

House: Foreman, listen to that little voice in your head that's coming from the telephone. Force feed him.

House: Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.
Cameron: Sorry, in ER we actually like to resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around.

Wilson: Have you considered that it's not my place you really wanna be walking into, right now?
House: Ric Ocasek'll kill me if I ... Oh you mean Cuddy?
Wilson: Yea, she' a little nuts. But she's beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you.
House: Yea, came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, because there's a killer mosquito chasing me around my apartment.
Wilson: House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy.
House: Ahh, she's bugging me. Poetic.
Wilson: Have you seen this bug?
House: Have you seen this bite?
Wilson: No, what I've seen is a suppurating wound that you've scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis.
House: [Pops a Vicodin] I am not imagining things.
Wilson: House, you're a drug addict, you're always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her, your itching always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this.
House: She's my boss
Wilson: No, you're not afraid of authority; you're afraid she actually is right for you. You're afraid to take a chance because it's too big a chance. If it doesn't work with her, then maybe there's no one out there.
House: I am not rationalizing. I'm better off alone. Also, have you seen her ass recently?
Wilson: You're not staying here.
House: Oh, come on.
Wilson: [Pushing House off the couch] Nope, you can go home. Or, you're going to Cuddy's, you're gonna ring her doorbell, and you're gonna ask her out on a date like regular people do.
House: At 3 in the morning? I thought regular people sleep.
Wilson: Bye bye.

Emancipation (5.08)[edit]

Wilson: So I take it you didn't ask Cuddy out.
House: Yeah.
Wilson: 'Yeah I didn't' or 'yeah I did'?
House: Whichever means you almost had me convinced it was a good idea.

Kutner: Not every teenager is having sex.
Foreman: But every teenager is stupid.

House: On the one hand, Kutner is right. Maybe she's a sweet young thing, not a screw up lying through her teeth. On the two hand, pregnancy test takes five minutes and we no longer kill rabbits, so in conclusion: shut up, do the test.

House: Steroids could cause an irregular heartbeat, making her current one irregular-er-er.

Cuddy: [to Foreman] House did something solely out of self interest? Freaky.

Kutner: I treated her based on the symptoms she presented.
House: You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, almost killed her in the process.

House: [to Kutner] Yesterday you were all bff, now you think she's pathological.

House: I went to Cuddy's house. But I didn't go in. I went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell.
Wilson: Huh.
House: You're processing.
Wilson: I'm scrubbing.
House: 'Huh' means processing.
Wilson: 'Huh' means acknowledging. If you prefer I can say 'hah', or 'hmm' or -
House: No insights, no opinions? You're disappointing.
Wilson: You made a decision. I can't tell you what's right for you.
House: Seriously? Because last week you could. Last year you could. It seems to come pretty easy to you.
Wilson: Do you want me to tell you what you should do?
House: I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying.
Wilson: Interesting. [walks off]
House: [calls after him] Holding things in can give you cancer!

Thirteen: We could save this patient but all you care about is getting your answer!
House: Your point being?

[About Foreman]
Chase: Think we gave him an idea?
Cameron: Either that or he's off to kill House.

[Taub and Thirteen are having an argument in the office]
House: Trying to sleep here!

Last Resort (5.09)[edit]

Jason: Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy.
House: [rooting through Cuddy's desk] Well, she's either not here or she's under the desk. Either way, you're going to have to wait outside till I'm finished.
Jason: Do you know when she'll be back?
House: Yes. Which is why I need you to get out and leave me alone.

[Jason goes back into Cuddy's office with Thirteen, a nurse and patients, holding a gun]

Jason: I'm sick and I've seen sixteen different doctors and none of them know what's wrong with me. Now I need the best doctor that this hospital has to offer, or I kill everyone.

[House looks at Thirteen and the other hostages walking in.]

House: [pause, then with eyebrows raised] So, what seems to be the problem?

House: If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself.

House: The martyr's heart is beating dangerously slow.

House: Your obsession is going to kill her!
Jason: Your obsession gave me back the gun.

Jason: This is my body. This is my life. There’s a truth out there. I’d rather rot in jail knowing than…I can’t handle not knowing.
House: Yeah.

Jason: I’ve never been anywhere south of Florida.
House: You idiot.
Jason: Florida counts?
House: Well, not to the supreme court, but it’s warm enough for germs. You’ve been blaming doctors and you can’t even give a halfway decent history.

House: I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. Seriously. If I were jerking you around I’d say that I needed to kick you in the groin.

House: Good idea. Oh, damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants.

House: I can't decide which is riskier; taking crazy risks, or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazy risk taker.

Let Them Eat Cake (5.10)[edit]

House: [To Cuddy, talking on the phone] Have you seen my balls?
Cuddy: [To person on phone] Can you hold on a second? [Looks at House]
House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one...
Cuddy: Your plan isn't going to work.
House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable, to make you leave; you deny that it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable, so I'll stop making you miserable, and eventually you will leave, citing reasons that had nothing to do with misery...
Cuddy: You're not bothering me.
House: Step 1: complete.
Cuddy: [To person on phone] I'm going to call you from my cell. [Hangs up phone] And then I will come back in here! [To person on cell phone] Hey. Yeah... I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [Walks by House] Excuse me.

House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
Taub: We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.
House: Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.

Patient: If surgery could somehow make you taller, would you do it?
Taub: Sure, but I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.

Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office?
House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
Cuddy: [from the other room] These walls aren't sound proof!
House: [calling over his shoulder] I'm well aware!

[after Foreman and Thirteen argued about the clinical trials - Thirteen told Foreman that 15 minutes early or late isn't going to make a difference]
House: (to Thirteen) Way to know where your bread is buttered, sister. Up high! [sticks his hand out for a high five, but Thirteen refuses]

House: Wow! Muscles and curves! My penis is so confused!

Joy To The World (5.11)[edit]

Patient: I'm a virgin, so is my fiancé.
House: I believe him.
Patient: Are there other ways I could get pregnant? Like...sitting on a toilet seat?
House: Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and a toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. [Before walking out] I was doing so well...

[House is in the clinic, attempting to rise to Wilson's challenge to be civil to other people. A patient with asthma is complaining that her inhaler is ineffective.]
Patient with asthma: I go through one a week.
House: Are you sure you're using it right?
Patient with asthma: Of course I'm using it right. Do I look like an idiot?
[slight pause while House clearly struggles not to say what he's thinking]
House: Okay...why don't you show me how your inhaler works.
[the patient retrieves her inhaler from her purse. She releases two puffs from it, one on each side of her neck, as though applying perfume. She looks at House triumphantly.]
[shot of House, smiling tightly, then cut to shot of the clinic lobby. The exam room door opens and the patient strides out quickly, looking angry.]
Patient with asthma: Jerk.

Wilson: Irene Adler. Christmas, 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last minute Wegner's diagnosis, but the hours he put in, I thought it would kill him. And then ... well, he fell for her. But, it was too soon after Stacy. It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
Kutner: Really?
Wilson: No, you idiots! House is just screwing with you. You think there's some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?
Taub: Then, how did you guess...
Wilson: I could be wrong. It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas, and the same paper I wrapped it in, and the note I wrote.

Painless (5.12)[edit]

Foreman:: You think I got her into the trial because I want to have sex with her?
House: I think you got her into the trial because of your messiah complex. I think you changed her schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex.

Big Baby (5.13)[edit]

Kutner: [to Thirteen] You slept with Foreman?
Thirteen: Sorry, you were busy.

[Kutner makes a cut in the patient’s arm as part of a bleeding-time test.]
Thirteen: Time zero.
Kutner: I’m impressed. You didn’t even flinch.
Patient: [smiles] I just went to my happy place.
Thirteen: [pauses while writing on her clipboard, eyes going wide] We cannot let House anywhere near this woman.
Kutner: Where is your happy place?
Patient: My class. With them.
Thirteen: Past the first mark.
Kutner: It’s a great thing you do.
Patient: Not really. You know, most kids, typical children, you hand them a pair of scissors and they cut. Well, Tony—he’s got CP. And when I gave him scissors, we went on a journey together. Learning to get his fingers in those holes, to get the scissors apart, to hold the paper. I mean, when he finally learned to cut, we both just…wept with joy.
[Thirteen and Kutner look at each other and smile.]
Kutner: [to the patient] If you ever meet our boss, just yes or no answers, okay?

[Cameron has just approved a likely-unnecessary medical prodecure for House's patient, and House is trying to figure out why.]
House: Some people thought you were gonna be brutal. Marking your territory.
Cameron: Who?
House: Nobody. And just because I call him 'nobody' doesn't make me a racist.
Cameron: I am not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes.
House: I need oral sex. [Cameron stares at House.] Pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.
Cameron: Can I return my phone call now?
House: I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.

Kutner: (To House) Cameron approved the procedure?
House: (snarky tone, while scrubbing up for the surgery) No, I'm just obsessed about clean cuticles.

The Greater Good (5.14)[edit]

House: Get a piece of her lung and stick it under a black light. If it glows, the sick children who need her souffle can breathe easier.

House: I'm happy for you. Love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make assumptions about your feelings for me, but I do have a birthday coming up.

House: Yes, ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period ever. Although frankly, not by all that much.

House: Cut out the masses, she'll be fine.
Taub: Can't do surgery until her cycle is over and she stops bleeding.
House: Well, let's hope she can hold out 'til then. In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a DVD of Beaches.

Thirteen: Dr. House gets a few perks.
Dana: He has his own scanner?
Thirteen: No, just very loose interpretations of hospital procedure.

House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Dr. Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter. But then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. That's just a theory.
House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you.

Dr. Wilson: Yeah, that makes sense too.
House: "Too"?
Dr. Wilson: I was thinking you actually feel guilty about taking her away from her baby, but your explanation's good too. It's completely inconsistent with your character, but...
House: Thank you, Rationalization Man. You have saved the village!

Kutner: What's going on with everyone today?
Taub: It involves House, Foreman, and Thirteen, which mean it's either dumb, dangerous, or tragic, or a combination. I'm embracing my ignorance.

Dr. Cuddy: Or this whole thing is just an act. And you've gone back to the part you think you need to play.
House: You should go talk to Wilson. Rationalization Man needs a faithful sidekick. Now Rational Man needs to go save a life.

House: Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss.

Dr. Cuddy: [Hands House back his cane] I found this.. in the uh.. coat closet. where I hid it..
House: [inspects his cane] Thought I'd never see you again. Little "Little Greg".. [raises his voice] Yeah you heard me right!

Unfaithful (5.15)[edit]

House: If she [Cuddy] invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?
Wilson: It would depend on what she was serving.

House: Why do the Lord's work if the Lord has already left the building?
Daniel: I've been with the Church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.
House: I detect a stink of leftover faith.
Daniel: You wanna talk about hypocrisy? What about you? You act like you don't care for anyone but here you are, saving lives...
House: Solving puzzles... Saving lives is just collateral damage.
Daniel: Yeah, nice try. I think you're not looking for somebody to prove you right. You're looking for someone to prove you wrong. To give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you?
House: [pause] I wanna walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to fornicate with fruit.

[Taub and Thirteen inform House with Daniel's latest test results]
House: So Father Nietzsche has AIDS...

Daniel: Einstein said, "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous."
House: Woman in Florida said, "Look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."

Wilson: Raising a child on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what everyone does: Trying to avoid pain.
House: Religion is not the opiate of masses. Religion is the placebo of masses. You're saying she's not a hypocrite.
Wilson: I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisies so you don't feel like a hypocrite going.
House: Oh sorry, continue.
Wilson: Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it. And you can't condemn her for recognizing that.
[After a pause House starts covering the symptoms with a file]
Wilson: You're eliminating symptoms?
House: We can't know everything.
Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics.
House: Truth is truth. [Erases "Hallucination" off the board] It fits.
Wilson: It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.
House: I can if it's not a symptom.
Wilson: What is it?
House: Not a symptom. [walks out]

The Softer Side (5.16)[edit]

Taub: [to Thirteen] This is my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. [stares blankly at her]

House: [to Cuddy] I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?
Cuddy: Looks like your brain is okay. Pupils are equal, round and reactive.
House: I'm fine... other than the fact that my nurples are now purple. [Glares at Foreman then says to Thirteen] No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached. By the way, I can see that from here.

[Kutner comes to check if House has respiratory arrest again]
House: Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.

House: Unless the next stanza reads "Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth," I'm not interested.

Thirteen: You really think House took too many Vicodin?
Foreman: The guy pops them like candy, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.

[House is puking into a bin]
Wilson: You idiot!
House: Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good, though, don't I?
Wilson: Heroin. Heroin?! House, of all the stupid...
House: I'm not on heroin.
Wilson: I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.
House: I'm on methadone. Stupid product, heroin without the high.
Wilson: Yea, and twice the risk of death.
House: No risk of arrest.
Wilson: You nearly died.
House: Today was a fluke, I nodded off.
Wilson: Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You wanna detox from Vicodin, pick something that won't kill you.
House: I'm not detoxing.
Wilson: If you're looking for something to help with your pain...
House: Doesn't help my pain. It eliminates it.
[He throws his cane into a dumpster, and walks away]
House: My leg doesn't hurt anymore.
[House walks off into the distance without limping]

House: This is the only me you get.

Here Kitty (5.18)[edit]

House: [to Morgan] Could you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the Prince of Nigeria.

Cuddy: You have a patient waiting, see?
House: I'm waiting for a follow-up.
Cuddy: If you're talking about Mr. Kasden, he has a 'deceased' sticker on his file, as do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today.

House: [to Morgan] If you're going to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.

House: [Morgan has just collapsed on the floor] [To Foreman] Quick, before she goes without attention for eight seconds.

Cuddy: You want to treat her? She's a nut job.
House: Don't we all have quirks? Aren't those eccentricities what make us human?
Morgan (on video): It's like Debbie's here on Earth to bring people to the other side.
House: [shrugs] Nut jobs get sick, too.

Cuddy: [Mockingly] So, you think this cat story is nonsense, and you admit she faked her earlier symptoms, but you still think she's actually sick now?
House: Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice.
Cuddy: Confirm she's faking, or I'm going to have to kick her out.
House: There's that voice again.
Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
House: Consecutive?

Morgan: I'm not a Munchausen. I'm going to die unless you help me.
House: You're going to have to come up with something more original.
Morgan: A cat predicted my death.
House: Cats make terrible doctors. Oh, no, wait. That's women. You're screwed.

House: [to Taub] Is it related to your money worries?
Kutner: What money worries?
House: Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say he lost almost all his money on the market last year.
Taub: I'm on a diet.
House: I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forgot to log off. But mostly the muffins.

Kutner: Why are you pushing a crash cart?
House: Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.

Locked In (5.19)[edit]

House: Hey, genius. I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Certain law laws, too.

Kutner: (to Lee) The infection destroyed your liver which released toxins that caused the locked-in syndrome. You were dying of a paper cut.

Lee: (thinking) I never thought I'd be praying for a brain tumor, but please, dear God.
House: If you're praying in there, stop it right now.

House (pointing to Thirteen, Kutner, and Foreman): That's my diagnostics posse. Hot, Dark, and Darker.

Dr. Wilson [to House]: Your crash was ten miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic.
House: You live 10 miles from Mary's Dress Shop. Yet that's not even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite.

Lee: How come I'm not better? God's not supposed to work in trial and error.
House: God's mistakes are well-documented. If he'd done everything right the first time, there'd have been one plague and zero great floods.

House [about Lee]: His doctor's busy trying to teach him to blink out "Kill me" in Morse code.

Dr. Kurtz [to House]: Could you, um, get back in your bed, please, Mr. House?
House: It's actually Doctor House.
Lee: [thinking] This guy's a doctor?
House: There's also Navy Seal House. But you're going to have to save up for that one.

Dr. Kurtz [to House]: You're not a doctor in this hospital. You are a patient.
Lee: [thinking] Yeah, and you're the guy who wants to cut out my organs, and he's the guy who doesn't.

House [about Thirteen]: She's the smart one. I just keep dark and darker to fill out the quota.

[Molly is talking to Dr. Kurtz about Lee with House nearby]
Molly: Why would he have a seizure?
House: Because he has cancer!
Kurtz: His brain stem is compromised.
Lee: [thinking] Why are you still arguing with this guy? You thought I was dead.
House [to Lee]: Welcome back. And nicely played. You almost died. [in a low voice] Exactly as we planned.

[Lee has arrived at PPTH]
Cuddy: I got the transfer papers. Plasmapheresis is all set up. Are you okay? [She touches the bruise on House’s cheek.]
House: Fresh infusion of macho. You like?
Lee: [thinking] I can't move, and she's worried about his boo-boo?
Cuddy: What were you doing up there, anyway?
House: Antiquing. I found you a late Victorian corset. Come by later, I'll tie you up.
Lee: [thinking] Is he hitting on her? [Cuddy stops to sign some papers a nurse hands her.] If she turns around, she's into him too. [Cuddy turns around at House] And there you have it.

House: Save the cheerleader. Save your world.

[Taub and Kutner are in Lee's hospital room]
Kutner: Shouldn't we be entertaining our patient?
Taub: I performed Euripides with sock puppets. You just missed it.
Kutner: House said we should. The mind is like a muscle. If you don't exercise it, it'll atrophy, just like anything else. Whoever's with him needs to talk. Keep his mind active. And it'll show House you still care.
Taub: Not sure if I do.
Lee: [thinking] Jeez, you're my doctor?
Kutner: Then why don't you just quit?
Taub: I'm not sure I want to do that, either.
Kutner: Oh. Maybe you should figure it out before House figures it out for you.
Lee: [thinking] Yeah, maybe you should have your midlife crisis after I'm better.

[Lee is in the OR with Chase]
Chase [to Lee]: We're going to put you out, just so we can drill the hole.
Lee: [thinking] Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

[Lee is in the recovery room, but his eyes are not moving]
Molly: Why aren't his eyes moving?
House: Two options: My neurologist screwed up, or else something the hospital lawyer's going to have to come up with when you sue us.

[Foreman is sitting by Lee's side in his hospital room]
Foreman: Bought my first girlfriend a necklace. It was silver. It cost 180 bucks… had to save for six months. She hated it.
Lee: [thinking] Really, seriously? Did you tell this story to someone who could walk away?
Foreman: Never bought another girlfriend jewelry again. Until Dr. Hadley.
Lee: [thinking] You're dating her? You might want to start all your stories with that.
Foreman: Same thing. She didn't even wear it.
Lee [thinking]: The diamond thing? She was wearing it the other day.
Foreman: If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Apparently, I suck at picking out jewelry, but least have the guts to tell me.
Lee [thinking]: Okay, getting boring again. How long till we know if this treatment is working?

Wilson: I had prison security check visitor logs, phone records. You've never had any contact with anyone at Fishkill. So, I ask again… What were you doing up in Middletown?
House: You know what's more interesting than what I was doing? The reason you are so obsessed with what I was doing.
Wilson: Stop deflecting, House.
House: Says the deflector. The reason I was up there is the reason you're scared I was up there. I was checking out your dirty, little secret. How long have you been sleeping with her?
Wilson: How… how did you know?
House: Your only secrets are the girls you find embarrassing. And the only embarrassing girl you've met recently is the one at your brother's cuckoo facility.
Wilson: We've only been out a few times.
House: She's a caregiver. Like all of your other failed exes. And someone who takes care of your brother. Who was the last person who took care of your brother?
Wilson: [laughs] You think this is Oedipal?
House: Actually, I was thinking masturbatory, but I guess your mom took care of him first. So, the safe course is to gouge your eyes out.

Lee: Hey. God sent you.
House: Suddenly, you're not so fascinating.

Simple Explanation (5.20)[edit]

Cameron: (to House) Did you deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?

House: Living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it.

Wilson: For the record, I'm uncomfortable violating a dead colleague's dignity.
House: It's only violating it if you find something.

House (to Cuddy): Did you let me hire a pervert?
Cuddy: Well, it would be hypocritical of me not to.

Thirteen: She claims he got stronger as soon as she stopped breathing.
Taub: The mind can heal the body. Seeing his wife in distress might actually have slowed down his death.
House: Or he just had an adrenaline surge when he saw his chance to hit the singles' market.

Cuddy: I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor, whom I'm sure none of you will see. And I'm offering time off, which I'm sure none of you will take, but just know it's available.

House: They were ready do die... but for guilt, not love.
Taub: You can't feel that much guilt without love.

Saviors (5.21)[edit]


House: Your favor's been repaid. Patient's cured. He's already packing for an Earth Day extravaganza next week.
Cameron: He almost died. Can't take a few days at home with his family?
House: People only change after a trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they watched too many after school specials.
Cameron: You're talking about Chase.
House: Talking about you. Death of the husband number 1... No surprise the death of colleague would make you question another long term lease.
Cameron: You're teaching commitment classes. 'Cause I'm sure you were busy with your lecture...
House: [interrupts] I'm sure that was gonna be hysterical. Let me just give the cliffs notes. Don't try to dump him by dumping cases on me.
Cameron I told you I never wanted to dump Chase.
House: Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It's totally different, much less guilt. Either way, you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a dumb one to begin with.

Amber Volakis: :[Leaning on House's piano] Solved another case. Busted Wilson... [to House's ear] Looks like you're not losing it after all...

House: [To Wilson] You manipulative bitch!

House Divided (5.22)[edit]

Amber: [part of House's hallucination and trying to write on House's white board] Damn imaginary pen!

Cuddy: [on why Wilson is not answering his phone] He must have left it in his pants, which he was not wearing when the police picked him up trying to walk home- oddly from his own apartment!

Cuddy: House, please talk to me.
[House looks at her, then at Amber]
House: I haven't slept through the night since Kutner killed himself.

Thirteen: [after she and Foreman were sent to scout strippers for Chase's bachelor party] The fact that you sent me on a scouting mission...
Amber (House's hallucination): No skirts.
House: You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage.
Thirteen: If I get drunk enough there's a chance I might make out with one of the strippers. Or become one.
House and Amber: SOLD!

Wilson: My wife and I eloped to escape House's bachelor party... (Chase looks unimpressed) Have you seen 'Caligula'?

House: [coming to Wilson for a consult] Is he telling you to avoid the party?
Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.

House: What exactly did my team do?
Amber (House's hallucination): Look good in their lab coats. Except for Taub.

House: I tried to kill Chase. Why would I do that? I don't want Cameron.
Amber (House's hallucination): You're not a big fan of other people's happiness, either...

Chase: [To House] You're evil. See ya.

Thirteen: Deaf 14-year-old started hearing imaginary explosions.
House: Exploding head syndrome. Cool. Well, obviously his brain knows how to hear.

House [to Foreman while he's in charge]: Huh. I figured by now you’d be at the board in your monocle and jodhpurs.
Foreman: Yeah. You did something stupid. Quick, better mock someone.

House [to Wilson]: Why aren’t you in my office?
Wilson: Because I know what the word “my” means.

Taub: This tastes like… vodka.
House: Well, it would be stupid if it tasted like bourbon.

House [about the patient]: How do we get him into the stress lab without Foreman’s sign-off?
Amber: We could kill Foreman.

Under My Skin (5.23)[edit]


[House is in a diner celebrating as he has stopped hallucinating Amber, on the phone to Foreman]

Foreman: You were right, test for gonorrhoea was positive. It was the girl that was cheating not the boy.
House: It was a guess. I didn't get it right.
Foreman: House, you were right. It doesn't matter if it was a guess.

[Voice of a woman humming "Enjoy Yourself (It's Later Than You Think)"]

House: And if it was a guess, it means...

[Amber sings "Enjoy Yourself (It's Later Than You Think)"]

Amber: Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.

[House slowly turns to see Amber]

Amber: Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink.

[House looks upset]

Amber: The years go by, [she laughs] as quickly as a wink. Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. [She laughs] [House looks at Amber than looks away and speaks to Foreman]
House: Foreman...Get Wilson.

[After Cuddy ignores House's quitting to make it on time for her baby]
House: Go suckle that bastard child that makes you feel good about yourself.
Cuddy: Screw you... [walks out]

Foreman: Put the phone on the receiver, send the hookers home, and get dressed. We've got a case.

House: The problem with speculation is, you make a spec out of you and some guy named "lation." Which doesn't really affect me at all.

House: Can you stop.. the breathing?
Cuddy: Air goes in, air goes out.

Wilson: House, it's your only option.
House: What do I do if my only option doesn't work?
Wilson: You don't give up.

Cuddy [to House]: You want to kiss me, don't you?
House: I always want to kiss you.

Both Sides Now (5.24)[edit]

Wilson: [after House told him that he's been off Vicodin for 24 hours and he slept with Cuddy] Wow ... WOW. One for each.
House: That's what she said. [fake laughs]
Wilson: So....How are you going to screw it up?

House: [with thermal pictures of Cuddy] She was either lying to me yesterday or today. I want to find out when.
Wilson: [sarcastically] And thermal imaging is definitely the way.

House: [while on his cell phone with a patient] I'm sorry but I'm going to lose connection because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Taub: The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore develop a heart condition, and get this: seizures. Our patient may have never needed split-brain surgery.
House: I'm sure he'll half appreciate the irony.

Cuddy: This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image, I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me, no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House, I am angry.
House: I was wondering if we should move in together.
Cuddy: [laughs] You're fired.

Wilson: Why is it always reasonable in Houseland to take an emotional problem and sidestep it by turning it into a mechanical problem?
House: Because in Houseland - and the rest of the universe, by the way - when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer.

Amber hallucination: So, this is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one.
Kutner hallucination: Too bad it isn't true.

House: [to Cuddy] I'm not okay

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: