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House (Season 5)

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House (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Dying Changes Everything [5.01]

[edit]
Cuddy: When was the last time you talked to him?
House: Uh, I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to tred on your turf.
Thirteen: This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions.
House: People die! You, Amber, everyone. Don't act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don’t like it, there are exits on every floor.
House: Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.
Wilson: I don't blame you. I wanted to. I tried to. I must have reviewed Amber's case file 100 times to find a way... but it wasn't your fault.
House: Then... we're okay? I mean, I know you're not, but... maybe I can help.
Wilson: We're not okay. Amber was never the reason I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you because... because I was trying, like I always do, to protect you. Which is the problem. You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship. And I've enabled it, for years, the games, the binges, the middle of the night phone calls. I should've been the one on the bus, not... you should have been alone on the bus. If I learned anything from Amber it's that I have to take care of myself. We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we ever were.

Not Cancer [5.02]

[edit]
Foreman: We need to remove the eye.
House: It's her only working eye.
Foreman: We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane.
House: [looks at Foreman after the patient hallucinated that House was going to chop her head off] Hallucination. That's a brain thing, right?
Lucas: Only two things you ignore: things that aren't important and things you wish weren't important. And wishing never works.
House: How many friends do you have?
Lucas: Seventeen.
House: Seriously? Do you have a list?
Lucas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.
House: Want to be my friend?
Lucas: No, you scare me a little.

Adverse Events [5.03]

[edit]
Taub: You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?
House: No. I would never out someone's superpowers.
House: People should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But, people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save children and puppies, ergo we need desperate people, ergo welfare kills sick children.
Cuddy: How'd you know that I liked roses?
Lucas: I was in your house last night.
House: I know "heart" and "head" start with the same three letters, but you gotta read all the way to the end.
House: You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

Birthmarks [5.04]

[edit]
House: [to Wilson] My mom didn't call Cuddy, she called you! I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much.
House: [to Wilson] My ringtone for you is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA.
Nicole: People stare at me any time I'm out with my family. It's like a puzzle: which one of these things doesn't belong?
Kutner: Belonging's overrated. I was adopted by a white family when I was nine. I like being different the view's better from the outside looking in.
House: Differential. Say you're a middle-aged Chinese woman..
Wilson: Fine.
House: Say it.
Wilson: "I'm a middle-aged Chinese woman."
Wilson: Well, I guess nobody gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not even sure anymore we get to choose who our friends are. [House glances up at him questioningly] I spoke with Cuddy, she hasn't filled my position yet.
House: If you're coming back just because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness... [Wilson smiles] ...I'd be okay with that.
Wilson: I'm coming back because you're right. That strange annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.
House: [gives him a long look] You hungry?
Wilson: [nods]
[The two proceed to leave House's office]
House: [pauses] Wilson.
Wilson: [Wilson looks at him] Yeah?
House: My dad's dead.
Wilson: Yeah. My sympathies.

Lucky Thirteen [5.05]

[edit]
House: People interest me, conversations don't.
Foreman: Because conversations go both ways.
Both: Like Thirteen.
House: You're fired.
Thirteen: What? You just defended me!
House: No, I just prevented you from getting a drug test. Probably saved your career. I'm already taking responsibility for one doctor with a drug habit. [takes a Vicodin pill]
Thirteen: I don't have a drug habit!
House: The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass.
Lucas: What does that even mean, "dating a hooker"?
House: He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Saviour to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg, second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.
Lucas: From you or the ho?
House: The ho's just using him for his money. [pauses] Wait, bad example.
Lucas: Normally in these situations, I'd follow the girl, find something embarrassing to show him. But since that's our starting position...
House: [to Thirteen] Why not men? You're bisexual. If you were just being self-destructive, you'd be having random sex with men. Better chance of getting assaulted, catching a disease. If this were just about getting laid, it'd be a lot easier to pick up men. Or ugly girls. This woman's hot. Which means you like the challenge, the conquest. It's the control that gets you off. And controlling women is as close as you can get to controlling what's gonna happen to you.
Thirteen: Here I thought I was just into boobs.
House: [to Thirteen] You're gonna keep spiraling. Keep screwing around. Keep slashing away at every person who tries to help until no one tries to help anymore. Till you hit bottom. Till you're dead. Until then... I can use you.

Joy [5.06]

[edit]
Cuddy: Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.
House: Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.
House: There's no unconditional love, it's just unconditional need. Don't make this child a victim of your biological clock.
[House watches as Cuddy is holding the newborn baby]
House: Now it's time to say those magic words you'll be telling her for the rest of her life: "Mommy's got to go to work."
House: I need a genetic disease.
Wilson: I'm sure you're carrying a few.
[Cuddy is sitting crying on the floor of the nursery she created that might never be used; someone knocks at the door and she answers it to find House]
Cuddy: It's really not the greatest time for gloating.
House: [walking in] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenaged boys riding bareback.
Cuddy: [shaking her head] No, I'm done. I can't go through that again.
House: You're quitting, just like you quit IVF.
Cuddy: Yeah, just like that.
House: There, you just said it again. [Cuddy smiles] That's too bad. You would have made a great mother.
Cuddy: [looking up in disbelief] You son of a bitch. When I was getting a baby, you told me I would suck as a mother. Now that I've lose it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [Approaching House in anger] Why do you need to negate EVERYTHING!?
House: [quietly] I don't know. [Cuddy stares at him]
[House moves in and the two share a passionate kiss]

The Itch [5.07]

[edit]
Wilson: Did you speak to Cuddy last night?
House: She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
Wilson: You spoke to her?
House: Kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock.
Wilson: Whoa...wha..what?
House: Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.
Wilson: You hit? Like making out? Or full on sex or -
House: Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll take you through it.
Wilson: Well, what are you going to do?
House: What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake -
Wilson: Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.
House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. It was...just a kiss.
Wilson: There's a reason -
House: Yes. Those large things in her bra.
Wilson: You were hiding it from me! Means it meant something to you.
House: Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase 'I hit that'.
Wilson: If you dated Cuddy there would -
[House is answering the phone]
House: Sorry, I get better reception when you're not here.
Cameron: With the risk of infection Chase won't actually -
House: He's not going to do surgery in some crazy dude's house.
Cameron: You just said -
House: What I said was that Chase would put him under at the house, we'd take him into the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op, without him ever finding out that we tricked him. So that was implied.
Cameron: It's unethical.
House: He'll be asleep.
Cameron: He gets to make his own calls, even if he's asleep.
Chase: Right, forget about the patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team. To avoid this constant flood of pure craziness.
Cameron: It's why I left House. You got fired.
House: Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.
Cameron: Sorry, in ER we like to actually resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around.

Emancipation [5.08]

[edit]
Kutner: But not every teenager is having sex.
Foreman: But every teenager is stupid.
Cuddy: [to Foreman] House did something solely out of self interest? Freaky.
Kutner: I treated her based on the symptoms she presented.
House: You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, almost killed her in the process.
House: I went to Cuddy's house. I didn't go in. I went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell.
Wilson: Huh.
House: You're processing.
Wilson: I'm scrubbing.
House: 'Huh' means processing.
Wilson: 'Huh' means acknowledging. If you prefer I can say 'hah', or 'hmm' or -
House: No insights, no opinions? You're disappointing.
Wilson: You made a decision. I can't tell you what's right for you.
House: Seriously? Because last week you could. Last year you could. It seems to come pretty easy to you.
Wilson: Do you want me to tell you what you should do?
House: I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying.
Wilson: Interesting. [walks off]
House: [calls after him] Holding things in can give you cancer!
Thirteen: We could save this patient but all you care about is getting your answer!
House: Your point being?

Last Resort [5.09]

[edit]
[Jason goes back into Cuddy's office with Thirteen, a nurse and patients, holding a gun]
Jason: I'm sick and I want to know why. I want the best doctor in this hospital here now! Or I'm going to start killing people.
[House looks at Thirteen and the other hostages in the room.]
House: [pause, then with eyebrows raised] What seems to be the problem?
House: If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself.
House: Good idea. Oh, damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants.
House: I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. Seriously, if I was jerking you around I'd say that I needed to kick you in the groin.
Jason: Never been anywhere south of Florida.
House: You idiot.
Jason: Florida counts?
House: Well, not to the supreme court, it's warm enough for germs. You’ve been blaming doctors and you can’t even give a halfway decent history.

Let Them Eat Cake [5.10]

[edit]
Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office?
House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
Cuddy: [from the other room] These walls aren't sound proof!
House: [calling over his shoulder] I'm well aware!
House: Wow! Muscles and curves! My penis is so confused!
House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
Taub: We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.
House: Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.
House: [To Cuddy, talking on the phone] Have you seen my balls?
Cuddy: [To person on phone] Can you hold on a second? [Looks at House]
House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one...
Cuddy: Your plan isn't gonna to work.
House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable, to make you leave; you deny that it's making you miserable and you try to make me miserable, so I'll stop making you miserable, and eventually you will leave, citing reasons that had nothing to do with misery...
Cuddy: You're not bothering me.
House: Step 1: complete.
Cuddy: [To person on phone] I'm going to call you from my cell. [Hangs up phone] And then I will come back in here! [To person on cell phone] Hey. Yeah... I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [Walks by House] Excuse me.
Emmy: If surgery could somehow make you taller, wouldn't you do it?
Taub: Sure, but I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.

Joy To The World [5.11]

[edit]
Taub: House always has an agenda, just screwing with us isn't...
Kutner: Yeah he'd never do that. Oh wait- He already did last year!
Wilson: Irene Adler, Christmas, 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last minute granulomatosis with polyangiitis diagnosis, but the hours he put in, I thought it would kill him. And then... well, he fell for her. But, it was too soon after Stacy. It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
Kutner: Really?
Wilson: No, you idiots! House is just screwing with you. You think there's some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?
Taub: Then, how did you guess...
Wilson: I could be wrong. It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas, and the same paper I wrapped it in, and the note I wrote.
Whitney: I'm a virgin, so is my fiancé.
House: I believe him.
Whitney: Are there other ways I could get pregnant? Like... sitting on a toilet seat?
House: Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and a toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. [Before walking out] I was doing so well...
[House is in the clinic, attempting to rise to Wilson's challenge to be civil to other people. A patient with asthma is complaining that her inhaler is ineffective.]
Anna: I go through one a week.
House: Are you sure you're using it right?
Anna: Do I look like an idiot?
[slight pause while House clearly struggles not to say what he's thinking]
House: Nope... Why don't you show me how your inhaler works.
[the patient retrieves her inhaler from her purse. She releases two puffs from it, one on each side of her neck, as though applying perfume. She looks at House triumphantly.]
[shot of House, smiling tightly, then cut to shot of the clinic lobby. The exam room door opens and the patient strides out quickly, looking angry.]
Anna: Jerk.
Cuddy: He doesn't want us to treat her.
Wilson: If it's leukemia even if we kill every cancer cell. her heart and liver are too far gone.
Cuddy: A double transplant.
Wilson: With brain involvement? The committee won't even open the file. There's no reason to put a dying girl through a painful treatment if it can't save her... He's being kind.

Painless [5.12]

[edit]
Taub: Sane people don't attempt suicide.
Kutner: Not ever? So if you were being burned at the stake, and someone handed you a gun?
Taub: I'd shoot the guys with the torches.
Foreman: You can't give up on life because...
Thirteen: I'm not giving up on life. I'm just giving up on you. I finally feel like I have a grip on things. I can handle this. What I can't handle is dragging anyone else down with me.
Cuddy: [to House and his team] If anyone should be able to handle a depressed pain patient...
Taub: He insisted he was no longer...
Cuddy: Apparently he lied. [Looking at House] Didn't think I'd have to remind you of that remote possibility.
House: Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of shysters.
Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.
Foreman: Are you suggesting I got Thirteen in that trial because of some personal...?
House: I think you got her in because of your usual messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex.

Big Baby [5.13]

[edit]
House: Love what you're wearing. Brings out the blue in the case file, means it's not from the ER. So why are you here?
Cameron: Because Dr. Cuddy is not here. She's decided to spend some more time with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities. Like baby-sitting you.
House: Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you. So why would Cuddy want you to die so young?
Cameron: She figured I spent three years working for you, I was innoculated.
Kutner: You slept with Foreman?
Thirteen: Sorry, you were busy.
[Kutner makes a cut in the patient's arm as part of a bleeding-time test.]
Thirteen: Time zero.
Kutner: I'm impressed. You didn't even flinch.
Sarah: [smiles] I just went to my happy place.
Thirteen: [pauses while writing on her clipboard, eyes going wide] We cannot let House anywhere near this woman.
Kutner: Where is your happy place?
Sarah: My class. With them.
Thirteen: Past the first mark.
Kutner: It's a great thing you do.
Sarah: Not really. You know, most kids, typical children, you hand them a pair of scissors and they cut. Well, Tony he's got CP. And when I gave him scissors, we went on a journey together. Learning to get his fingers in those holes, to hold the scissors apart, to hold the paper. I mean, when he finally learned to cut, we both just... wept with joy.
[Thirteen and Kutner look at each other and smile.]
Kutner: [to the patient] If you ever meet our boss, just yes or no answers, okay?
[Cameron has just approved a likely-unnecessary medical procedure for House's patient, and House is trying to figure out why.]
House: Some people thought you were gonna be brutal. Marking your territory.
Cameron: Who?
House: Nobody. Just because I call him 'nobody' doesn't make me a racist.
Cameron: I am not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes.
House: I need oral sex. [Cameron stares at House.] Pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.
Cameron: Can I return my phone call now?
House: I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.
Kutner: Cameron actually said yes?!
House: [snarky tone, while scrubbing up for the surgery] Nope, I'm just obsessive about clean cuticles.

The Greater Good [5.14]

[edit]
House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter. But then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. That's just a theory.
House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you.
House: I'm happy for you. A love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make assumptions about your feelings for me, but I do have a birthday coming up.
Wilson: Yeah, that makes sense too.
House: "Too"?
Wilson: I was thinking you actually feel guilty about taking her away from her baby, but your explanation's good too. It's completely inconsistent with your character, but... whatever.
House: Thank you, Rationalization Man. You have saved the village!
House: Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss.
Cuddy: Or this whole thing is just an act. And you've gone back to the part you think you need to play.
House: You should go talk to Wilson. Rationalization Man needs a faithful sidekick. Now Rational Man needs to go save a life.

Unfaithful [5.15]

[edit]
Daniel: Oh, yeah. God wants life to have meaning, life's meaningless without free will, with free will there's always suffering, so... God wants suffering. I got tired of that argument before I even finished saying it. And even if I brought that, the hell is God doing? Y'know, just the big stuff? The Acts of God, the hurricanes, the earthquakes, the random killings of millions of innocent people? Yeah, we better damn pray.
[Beat.]
House: God, I wish you weren't a pedophile.
House: Why do the Lord's work if the Lord has left the building?
Daniel: I've been with the Church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.
House: I detect a stink of leftover faith.
Daniel: You wanna talk hypocrisy? What about you? You act like you don't care about anyone but here you are, saving lives...
House: Solving puzzles... Saving lives is just collateral damage.
Daniel: Yeah, nice try. I don't think you're not looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong. To give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you?
House: [pause] Yeah, I wanna walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit.
[Taub and Thirteen inform House with Daniel's latest test results]
House: So Father Nietzsche has AIDS...
House: Religion is not the opiate of the masses, religion is the placebo of the masses.
House: If she [Cuddy] invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?
Wilson: It would depend on what she was serving.
Wilson: Raising a child on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what everyone does: Trying to avoid pain.
House: Religion is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is the placebo of the masses. You're saying that she's not a hypocrite.
Wilson: I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisies so you don't feel like a hypocrite for going.
House: Oh sorry, continue.
Wilson: Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it. And you can't condemn her for recognizing that.
[After a pause House starts covering the symptoms with a file]
Wilson: Are you eliminating symptoms?
House: I can't know everything.
Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics.
House: Truth is truth. [Erases "Hallucination" off the board] It fits.
Wilson: It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.
House: I can if it's not a symptom.
Wilson: Well, what is it?
House: Not a symptom. [walks out]
Daniel: Einstein said, "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous."
House: Woman in Florida said, "Look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."

The Softer Side [5.16]

[edit]
House: [to Cuddy] I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?
Cuddy: Looks like your brain is okay. Pupils are equal, round and reactive.
House: I'm fine... other than the fact that my nurples are now purple. [Glares at Foreman then says to Thirteen] No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached. By the way, I can see that from here.
Thirteen: You really think House took too many Vicodin?
Foreman: The guy pops them like candy, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.
[Kutner comes to check if House has respiratory arrest again]
House: Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.
House: Unless the next stanza reads "Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth," I'm not interested.
[House is puking into a bin]
Wilson: You idiot!
House: Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good, though, don't I?
Wilson: Heroin. Heroin?! House, of all the stupid...
House: I'm not on heroin.
Wilson: I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.
House: I'm on methadone. Stupid product, heroin without the high.
Wilson: Yea, and twice the risk of death.
House: No risk of arrest.
Wilson: You nearly died.
House: Today was a fluke, I nodded off.
Wilson: Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You wanna detox from Vicodin, pick something that won't kill you.
House: I'm not detoxing.
Wilson: If you're looking for something to help with your pain...
House: Doesn't help my pain. It eliminates it.
[He throws his cane into a dumpster, and walks away]
House: My leg doesn't hurt anymore.
[House walks off into the distance without limping]

The Social Contract [5.17]

[edit]
House: People don't get personal with you, except for me. And you dismiss me for a jerk who's jerking you around. But that guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.
Cuddy: So that was your way of saying I look good today?
House: You don't get the slightest kick out of that?
Cuddy: Don't be ridiculous House.
[House leaves. Cuddy smiles as the elevator door closes]
Wilson: I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.
House: Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice.
House: My patient has a quality of life issue.
Chase: He says awful things. Hardly a medical condition.
House: When he leaves here, he's going to lose his family. He's going to alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky. 'Til he drives them away too.
Chase: [thinks for moment] I'll see what I can do.
Wilson: [Referring to his brother] I thought seeing him again would change everything. It would be wonderful or terrible... Instead... we're just strangers. It's kind of anti-climatic.
House: Which is better than terrible.
Wilson: My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around everyone like they're made of china. I spend all my time analyzing what will the effect will be if I say this. Then there's you, you're a reality junkie. If I offered you a comforting lie, you'd smack me over the head with it. Let's not change that.
House: Okay.
Wilson: No. See this - if you were implementing the social contract, you'd say that but only because it makes me feel better.
House: It is kind of fun watching you torture yourself.
Wilson: Do you think things will work out with my brother?
House: No... But when it does go wrong it won't be your fault.
Wilson: Thanks House.

Here Kitty [5.18]

[edit]
Cuddy: You have a patient waiting, see?
House: I'm waiting for a follow-up.
Cuddy: If you're talking about Mr. Kasden, he has a 'deceased' sticker on his file, as do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today.
Cuddy: [Mockingly] So, you think this cat story is nonsense, and you admit she faked her earlier symptoms, but you still think she's actually sick now?
House: Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice.
Cuddy: Confirm she's faking, or I'm going to have to kick her out.
House: There's that voice again.
Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
House: Consecutive?
House: [to Taub] Is it related to your money worries?
Kutner: What money worries?
House: Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say that he lost almost all his money on the market last year.
Taub: I'm on a diet.
House: I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forgot to log off. But mostly the muffins.
Kutner: Why are you pushing a crash cart?
House: Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.
[House has just yelled at Kutner for leaving cat pee on his chair, but left without taking further action.]
Thirteen: Why are you still alive?
Kutner: I'm not sure.
Thirteen: I think he was impressed you stood up to him. And that you got a cat to pee on his chair.
Kutner: [meaningfully] Right. A cat.
[Kutner departs, leaving Thirteen flabbergasted as she realizes what may have actually happened.]

Locked In [5.19]

[edit]
House: Hey, genius. I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Possibly even certain law laws, too.
Wilson: Your crash was 10 miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic.
House: You live 10 miles from Mary's Dress Shop. Yet that's not even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite.
[Lee is in the OR with Chase]
Chase: We're going to put you out, just so we can drill the hole.
Lee: [thinking] Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.
Lee: How come I'm not better? God's not supposed to work in trial and error.
House: God's mistakes are well-documented. If he'd done everything right the first time, there'd have been one plague and zero great floods.
Kutner: The infection destroyed your liver which released toxins that caused the locked-in syndrome. You were dying of a paper cut.

Simple Explanation [5.20]

[edit]
Thirteen: She claims he got stronger as soon as she stopped breathing.
Taub: The mind can heal the body. Seeing his wife in distress might have actually have slowed down his death.
House: Or he just had an adrenaline surge when he saw his chance to hit the singles' market.
Cuddy: I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor, whom I'm sure none of you will see. And I'm offering time off, which I'm sure none of you will take, but just know it's available.
Cuddy: I'm sorry for your loss.
House: Thanks. It's not my loss.
Cuddy: Then I'm sorry you don't think it is.
House: If he'd thought like me then he'd have known that living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it.
Cameron: [Mocking House for something similar he said earlier] Did you figure that out by taking off your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?

Saviors [5.21]

[edit]
Cameron: How do you think House is doing?
Foreman: That's why you're here?
Cameron: Yeah.
Foreman: No it isn't. Even if House is messed up by Kutner's suicide, wouldn't matter. He already thinks that life is nasty, brutish and long. And misery helps his diagnostic skills.
House: I'm losing my mind. All you gotta say is "good"?
Wilson: House, a guy you worked with for two years, who you mentored, and... yes, possibly even cared about, just blew his brains out. You can't find the reason. You can't find the meaning in it because sometimes there isn't any. Sometimes... this is all there is. You should be losing it. You'd be crazy not to be off your game. But your mojo's right where you left it. Just... keep playing with it. I gotta go. [Gesturing to his food.] Help yourself.
House: [To Wilson] You manipulative bitch!
House: Your favor's repaid. Patient's cured. He's already packing for another Earth Day extravaganza next week.
Cameron: He almost died. Can't take a few days at home with his family?
House: People only change after trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they watched too many after school specials.
Cameron: You're talking about Chase.
House: Talking about you. You lost husband number 1... No surprise the death of colleague would make you question another long term lease.
Cameron: You're teaching commitment classes. 'Cause I thought you were busy with your lecture...
House: [interrupts] I'm sure that was gonna be hysterical. Let me just give the cliffs notes. Don't try to dump him by dumping cases on me.
Cameron I told you I never wanted to dump Chase.
House: Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It's totally different, much less guilt. Either way, you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a pretty dumb one to begin with.
Amber Volakis: :[Leaning on House's piano] Solved another case. Busted Wilson... [to House's ear] Looks like you're not losing it after all.

House Divided [5.22]

[edit]
Thirteen: Deaf 14-year-old started hearing imaginary explosions.
House: Exploding head syndrome. Cool. Well, obviously his brain knows how to hear.
Wilson: The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party... [Chase looks unimpressed] Have you seen Caligula?
House: [coming to Wilson for a consult] Is he telling you to avoid the party?
Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.
House: Why aren't you in my office?
Wilson: Because I know what the word "my" means.
Taub: This tastes like... vodka.
House: Well, would be stupid if it tasted like bourbon.

Under My Skin [5.23]

[edit]
House: See, the problem with speculation is, you make a spec out of you and some guy named "lation." Which doesn't really affect me at all.
Wilson: House, it's your only option.
House: What do I do if my only option won't work?
Wilson: You don't give up.
[After Cuddy ignores House's quitting to make it on time for her baby]
House: You can go suckle on the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself.
Cuddy: Screw you... [walks out]
House: [detoxing] Can you stop.. the breathing?
Cuddy: Air goes in, air goes out.
Cuddy: You want to kiss me, don't you?
House: I always want to kiss you.

Both Sides Now [5.24]

[edit]
House: [with thermal pictures of Cuddy] She lied to me. Either last night or today and I need to find out which and why.
Wilson: [sarcastically] And clearly thermal imaging is the way.
House: [while on his cell phone with a patient] I'm sorry but I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Cuddy: This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image, I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me, no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House, I am angry.
House: I was wondering if we should move in together.
Cuddy: [laughs] You're fired.
Taub: The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore develop a heart condition, and get this: seizures. Our patient may never have needed split-brain surgery.
House: [distracted] I'm sure he will half appreciate the irony.
[House slowly realizes that his previous night with Cuddy and much of his current day has been nothing more than a Vicodin-caused delusion.]
Amber: [whispering in House's ear] So. This is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one.
[A vision of Kutner appears.]
Kutner: Too bad it isn't true.

Cast

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