In The Loop
From Wikiquote
In The Loop is a feature film spin-off of the BBC TV series The Thick Of It.
[edit] Dialogue
- Judy Molloy: Mark, you're coordinating the millennium goals on the press release aren't you?
- Mark: Yes.
- Judy: Coordinate it better, please.
- Simon Foster MP: [On Radio] Well, personally, I think that war is unforseeable.
- Malcolm Tucker: [Listening to the radio] Sam! Sam!
- Eddie Mair: [On Radio] Unforseeable?
- Simon Foster: [On Radio] Yes.
- Malcolm Tucker: No, you do not think that! Sam, I'm going to have to go to International Development and pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.
- Toby: [To his Girlfriend] Good luck at the Foreign Office, try not to annoy Russia.
- Malcolm Tucker: [On Mobile Phone] Ok, Ok, Go ahead and print "Unforseeable". See when I tell your wife about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, what would be best? An e-mail, a phonecall, what? Hey! I could write it on a cake with those little silver balls: "Your Hack husband betrayed you on October the 4th and congratulations on the new baby." ... Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it. Yeah, Fuckety-Bye
- Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile Phone] I'm not holding any longer what's he waiting for a fucking sex change? NO YOU RELAX! Get me fucking Brian now! If you don't go and get me fucking Brian now i'm gonna come round there and lock you in a floatation tank and pump it full of sewage untill you fucking drown!
- Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, diarrhea of a nobody, yeah, I like that.
- [Judy hangs up the phone]
- Simon Foster: Who was that?
- Judy: Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
- Simon Foster: Oh shit, he's still alive. When's he due?
- Malcolm Tucker: [Entering the room] Now. Don't say you weren't prepared because I rang ahead.
- Malcolm Tucker: [To Simon Foster] In the words of the late great Nat King fucking Cole; Unforseeable, that's what you are.
- Malcolm Tucker: We've got enough Pentagon goons to stage a fucking coup d'etat.
- Malcolm Tucker: [To Toby] Hey, Foetus boy, Lesson one: If I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?
- Toby: Umm... Eff off?
- Malcolm Tucker: You'll go far! Now fuck off.
- Judy: It's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state and therefore falls well within my purview.
- Malcolm Tucker: Within your purview? Where do you think you are, in some fucking regency costume drama?! This is a government department! Not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel!
- Simon Foster: [Interrupting] Malcolm.
- Malcolm Tucker: Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
- Toby: It's a bit manic, it's not like Agriculture. People rarely get this sweary about wheat.
- Judy: They're all kids in Washington. It's like Bugsy Malone but with real guns.
- Chad: You couldn't write a paper that clashes more with the current climate if you were trying. And it seems like you almost were trying.
- Simon Foster: I really hope there isn't a war. It's gonna be a nightmare; it's bad enough dealing with the fucking olympics.
- Malcolm Tucker: I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died.
- Malcolm Tucker: Christ on a bendy-bus, Simon, Don't be such a fucking faff-arse.
- Malcolm Tucker: I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere. I'm the egg man.
- Simon Foster: Have you come to insult me in a different timezone?
- Malcolm Tucker:You stay detached, otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.
- Simon Foster: I don't want to have to read you the riot act here. But I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act. Like "Section 1, Paragraph 1: Don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, then burst in late, smelling like a pissed, seaside donkey."
- Toby: Ok, ok, Simon, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry. But it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
- Simon Foster: No, no, you're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done! You're a star! And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out, start plucking it and shouting, "Willy Banjo!". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right ... without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments in my career. Thanks! You're a legend!
- Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry... I don't... This situation here... Is this it? No offense, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet.
- White House Aide: Your first point there, the offense? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. The second point, I'm twenty-two but my birthday is in nine days. If it's make you feel more comfortable we could wait.
- Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me son. We burnt this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814 and I'm all for doing it again. Starting with you you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a playboy bunny.
- Liza: [To Chad] How far would you go with Linton? You freaky little stalker. Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?
- Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile to Judy] Where's the War Commitee? I thought I was going to the war commitee.
- Judy: Simon's going to the war commitee, I thought you were doing your one-to-one.
- Malcolm Tucker:Just tell me where the fuck it's happening.
- Judy: The State Department, seventh floor. Malcolm, do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?
- Malcolm Tucker:Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. A certain vinager-faced manipulative cow-bag is about to discover she's out of a fucking [Judy hangs up] job. Fucking hang up, Have it your fucking hoity-toity fucking...
- Passer-By: Hey buddy, enough with the curse words, alright?
- Malcolm Tucker: Kiss my sweaty balls you fat fuck!
- Simon Foster: I've got this covered. Go and find the next thing, talk to that Chad boy. The boy from The Shining. He knows things.
- Toby: Don't make me pump Chad!
- Simon Foster: I am making you pump Chad. Go on, it'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeazy.
- Toby: No it won't, it'll be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult, that's what it'll be.
- Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine year old child.
- Linton: Oh, you're talking about A.J. He's one of our top guys. He's one of our brightest and best.
- Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well his briefing notes were written in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped over his fucking umbilical chord.
- Linton: Well I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But can we just move on to what's really important? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say "fresh" British Intelligence, is that true?
- Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't get the job done...
- Linton: All right.
- Malcolm Tucker: ... between breast feeds and playing with their power rangers, so an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.
- [Looking at the Washington Monument]
- Toby: Pull that out, America deflates.
- Simon Foster: Meeting my constituents? It's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say "Fuck off, you're mental."
- Malcolm: I'm giving this to someone else. [shouts outside his office] Jamie!
- Simon Foster: Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
- Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with all due respect I wasn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless... egg cunt. Now I'm finished.
- Jamie MacDonald: Right, that's enough all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries...
- Toby: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
- Jamie MacDonald: Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to holepunch your face?!
- Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them!
- Jamie MacDonald: You know me, Mal, Kid gloves. ... But made from real kids.
- General Miller: This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely fucking have to. [Pause] It's like France.
- Jamie MacDonald: [Telling Michael to turn his music off] Turn that fucking racket off! It's just vowels! Subsidised foreign fucking vowels! You don't need to listen to this shit just because it's considered bad form to actually wear a hat that says " I when to private school!"
- Karen: So you read Liza's paper I guess.
- General Miller: I am a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
- Karen: Gore's gay.
- General Miller:No he's not.
- Karen: I beg to differ but...
- General Miller: He's gay? Cos I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.
- Karen: He is gay.
- General Miller: Guess I'd better stop saying that then.
