In The Loop

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In The Loop is a feature film spin-off of the BBC TV series The Thick Of It.


Malcolm Tucker: [first lines] [Malcolm enters 10 Downing Street] Morning, my little chicks and cocks!

Judy Molloy: Mark, you're coordinating the millennium goals on the press release aren't you?
Mark: Yes.
Judy: Coordinate it better, please.

Simon Foster MP: [On Radio] Well, personally, I think that war is unforseeable.
Malcolm Tucker: [Listening to the radio] Sam! Sam!
Eddie Mair: [On Radio] Unforseeable?
Simon Foster: [On Radio] Yes.
Malcolm Tucker: No, you do not think that! Sam, I'm going to have to go to International Development and pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.

Toby: [To his Girlfriend] Good luck at the Foreign Office, try not to annoy Russia.

Malcolm Tucker: [On Mobile Phone] Ok, Ok, Go ahead and print "Unforseeable". See when I tell your wife about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, what would be best? An e-mail, a phonecall, what? Hey! I could write it on a cake with those little silver balls: "Your Hack husband betrayed you on October the 4th and congratulations on the new baby." ... Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it. Yeah, okay, Fuckety-Bye!

Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile Phone] I'm not holding any longer what's he waiting for a fucking sex change? NO YOU RELAX! Get me fucking Brian! If you don't get me fucking Brian i'm gonna come over there and i'm gonna lock you in a fucking floatation tank and pump it full of sewage untill you fucking drown!

Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, diarrhea of a nobody, yeah, I like that.

[Judy hangs up the phone]
Simon Foster: Who was that?
Judy: Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
Simon Foster: Oh shit, he's still alive. When's he due?
Malcolm Tucker: [Entering the room] Now. Don't say you weren't prepared because I rang ahead.

Malcolm Tucker: [To Simon Foster] In the words of the late great Nat King fucking Cole; Unforseeable, that's what you are.

Malcolm Tucker: We've got enough Pentagon goons to stage a fucking coup d'etat.

Malcolm Tucker: [To Toby] Hey, Foetus boy, Lesson one: If I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?
Toby: Umm... Eff off?
Malcolm Tucker: You'll go far! Now fuck off.

Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you anything, I've told you to fuck off twice and yet you are still here!
Judy: It's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state and therefore falls well within my purview.
Malcolm Tucker: Within your purview? Where do you think you are, in some fucking regency costume drama?! This is a government department! Not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel!
Simon Foster: [Interrupting] Malcolm.
Malcolm Tucker: Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock!

Malcolm Tucker: [about Judy] She's married? Poor bastard!

Toby: It's a bit manic, it's not like Agriculture. People rarely get this sweary about wheat.

Judy: They're all kids in Washington. It's like Bugsy Malone but with real guns.

Chad: You couldn't write a paper that clashes more with the current climate if you were trying. And it seems like you almost were trying.

Simon Foster: I really hope there isn't a war. It's gonna be a nightmare; it's bad enough dealing with the fucking olympics.

Simon Foster: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why didn't we nail the line?
Judy: Simon, I did try to warn you.
Simon Foster: Yes! Yes! You did try to warn me but you don't actually stop me did you!?
Judy: I can't tackle you to the ground!
Simon Foster: That's like shouting "Train!" as someone gets hit by a train! You should go; "Train! It's a fucking train!".
Judy: [her phone rings] Bollocks!
Simon Foster: [his phone rings also] Fuck, it's Malcolm!
Judy: Mine's Malcolm too.
Simon Foster: How does he do that?
Malcolm Tucker: [talking on two mobiles] Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now!

Malcolm Tucker: "Climb the mountain of conflict"? You know what you sounded like? You sounded like a fucking Nazi Julie Andrews!

Malcolm Tucker: Christ on a bendy-bus, Simon, Don't be such a fucking faff-arse.

Malcolm Tucker: I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere. I'm the egg man.
Simon Foster: Have you come to insult me in a different timezone?

Malcolm Tucker: Karen Clark will want you to say that war is unforseeable, and Linton Barwick will want you to talk about the "Climb the mountain of conflict" line. You say nothing, okay? You stay detached, otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.
Simon Foster: Right, can I go to bed now, please?
Malcolm Tucker: No, no, no, no, no! You're gonna stay here, and you're gonna rehearse saying nothing!
Simon Foster: Am I being tortured?

Simon Foster: I don't want to have to read you the riot act here. But I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act. Like "Section 1, Paragraph 1: Don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, then burst in late, smelling like a pissed, seaside donkey."
Toby: Ok, ok, Simon, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry. But it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster: No, no, you're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done! You're a star! And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out, start plucking it and shouting, "Willy Banjo!". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right ... without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments in my career. Thanks! You're a legend!

Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry... I don't... This situation here... Is this it? No offense, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet.
White House Aide: Your first point there, the offense? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it. The second point, I'm twenty-two but my birthday is in nine days. If it's make you feel more comfortable we could wait.
Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me son. We burnt this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814 and I'm all for doing it again. Starting with you you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a playboy bunny.

Liza: [To Chad] How far would you go with Linton? You freaky little stalker. Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?

Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile to Judy] Where's the War Commitee? I thought I was going to the war commitee.
Judy: Simon's going to the war commitee, I thought you were doing your one-to-one.
Malcolm Tucker:Just tell me where the fuck it's happening.
Judy: The State Department, seventh floor. Malcolm, do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?
Malcolm Tucker:Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. A certain vinager-faced manipulative cow-bag is about to discover she's out of a fucking [Judy hangs up] job. Fucking hang up, haven't you, you fucking, hoity-toity fucking...
Passer-By: Hey buddy, enough with the curse words, alright?
Malcolm Tucker: Kiss my sweaty balls you fat fuck!

Simon Foster: I've got this covered. Go and find the next thing, talk to that Chad boy. The boy from The Shining. He knows things.
Toby: Don't make me pump Chad!
Simon Foster: I am making you pump Chad. Go on, it'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeazy.
Toby: No it won't, it'll be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult, that's what it'll be.

Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine year old child.
Linton: Oh, you're talking about A.J. He's one of our top guys. He's one of our brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well his briefing notes were written in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped over his fucking umbilical cord.
Linton: Well I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But can we just move on to what's really important? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say "fresh" British Intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't get the job done...
Linton: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ... between breast feeds and playing with their power rangers, so an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.

[Looking at the Washington Monument]
Toby: See that? Pull that out, America deflates.
Malcolm: Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to seeing one of those is buying fucking Toblerone.

Simon Foster: Meeting my constituents? It's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say "Fuck off, you're mental."

Malcolm Tucker: [reading a newspaper] "While Foster jets around at the taxpayer's expense, his constituent's wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit!"
Simon Foster: It doesn't say that.
Malcolm Tucker: No, but it does say: "Wall-ace and Gromit!
Simon Foster: Wall-Ace, though!
Malcolm Tucker: You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire, and that's going, son! I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to someone else. [shouts outside his office] Jamie!
Simon Foster: Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
Jamie MacDonald:[enters the office] Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty!
Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking?
Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with all due respect I wasn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless... egg cunt. Now I'm finished.
Simon Foster Hi, Jamie! This is Toby!
Toby: Hi, I'm Simon's aide.
Jamie MacDonald: Toby, very nice to meet you, please, sit down. Right, that's enough all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries!
Toby: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! Do you want me to holepunch your face?!
Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them!
Jamie MacDonald: You know me, Malc, Kid gloves, but made from real kids.
Malcolm Tucker: Haha. [leaves.]
Jamie MacDonald: Right. Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly, there's a cartoon in here of you as a walrus!
Simon Foster: A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks!
Jamie MacDonald: Wall-rus? Do you get it? Wall-rus. Wall-rus.
Toby: Well, we called some builders, they didn't turn up--
Jamie MacDonald: Well, what did you expect!? THEY'RE BUILDERS! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? NO, IT'S 'CAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING TURN UP IN THE NICK OF TIME! Bat-builder!? Spider-builder!? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!

Judy Molloy: [about Jamie MacDonald] You know, my theory is that Malcolm built him in a lab out of bits of old psychopath.

General Miller: This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely fucking have to. [Pause] It's like France.

Malcolm Tucker: You sure you're working as hard as me, 'cause I'm sweating spinal fluid here! I'm a fucking husk!

Malcolm Tucker: General Flintstone? Was it you? Did you leak PWIP-PIP? I mean, I know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax?
General Miller: No, I didn't leak PWIP-PIP, I do everything up-front. I'm not like some creepy little gay mercenary who sneaks around doing other people's dirty work.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm doing my own dirty work. I'm doing my job.
General Miller: No, I think you are doing Linton's dirty work. You're his little English bitch and you don't even know it. I bet if I went to your hotel room tonight, I'd see you down on all fours, with little fish-nets on with him hanging out the back of you.
Malcolm Tucker: Oh, that's nice! That's really tough talk coming from the fucking Armchair General! Why don't you put your feet up on the pouffe and go back to sleep, why don't you?
General Miller: Look, Tucker, you might be some scary little poodle-fucker back there in London, but out here you're nothing. You know what you look like? A squeezed dick. You've got a big blue vein running up the side of your head. See, that's where I'd put the bullet. Only I'd have to stand back, 'cause you look like you'd be a squirter.
Malcolm Tucker: Have you ever actually killed anybody, I mean really?
General Miller: Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: What, falling asleep on someone? I mean, that doesn't count!
General Miller: [laughs] That's good! That's very good! How about you, pussy drip? Every killed anybody?
Malcolm Tucker: Maiming is what I prefer, psychologically.
General Miller: Well, why don't you try and maim me? I'll knock you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth!
Malcolm Tucker: Go ahead! I can see the headlines: "Peace-loving General starts fight at the UN, Swiss intervene", I don't know, I'm no expert on spin, but that could hurt your career!
General Miller: Yeah?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah. Now do excuse me, I've got work to do. [pause] Don't ever call me fucking English again!
[Malcolm walks off, leaving General Miller confused.]

Michael: Suzy, this is absolutely superb.
Jamie: [entering the room] Ey, horse of the year, was it you?
Suzy: Was what me?
Suzy: Was what me, Jamie? I - I - I have no idea what you're talking about.
Michael: She can't answer the question, can she? Unless she knows what it is.
Jamie: You, leaked Liza Wells' paper to the BBC, right? Now, tell me you leaked it.
Suzy: I - I didn't leak it!
Jamie: I know the leak came from in here. From this fucking fax machine right here.
Suzy: No, there's no - there's no way!
Jamie: [sliding the fax off the table] Do you see what I'm doing to this machine?
Suzy: Jamie, don't - [fax falls off the table] Jesus Christ! Fuck! Jamie! What the fuck?!
Jamie: [kicking the fax] Do you see how angry I am with the piece of office equipment that leaked this document?! Huh?!
Suzy: Michael -
Jamie: [kicking the fax] Can you even imagine how angry I am with the person with the person who leaked it? Can you? Can you, huh?! Can you, Suzy?!
Michael: Jamie, it was me.
Jamie: Oh, don't get all fucking Spartacus on us now.
Michael: I leaked it.
Suzy: Michael, what are you doing?
Suzy: Turn it off.
Jamie: IT'S JUST VOWELS! Subsidised foreign fucking vowels! The only reason you listen to this shit is because it's bad form to actually wear a hat that says "I went to private school"! So tell me now, right?! Who did you leak it to?
Michael: I just sent it. I read it, I thought it was important -
Jamie: Good! Good! Fine! Fine! See that fax? Yeah? THAT is your career, and I think it might be fucked. But let's just check [kicks the fax] Yeah, yeah it's pretty fucked. Now, I hope you can play the spoons. Because, I mean, you're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer, aren't you?

Karen: So you read Liza's paper I guess.
General Miller: I am a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
Karen: Gore's gay.
General Miller:No he's not.
Karen: I beg to differ but...
General Miller: He's gay? Cos I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.
Karen: He is gay.
General Miller: Guess I'd better stop saying that then.

Simon Foster: After the vote...I resign.
Simon Foster: See you later, Malcolm.

Malcolm: I know it was you who leaked Linton's war committee.
Toby: Oh, right... it wasn't?
Malcolm: It wasn't That's what you're going to say when they come and slip a hood over your head and fly you off to Diego Garcia and carry out a cavity search?
Toby: I don't actually recall. It was a very busy time.
Malcolm: That's better. OK, I am putting you on a probationary period from today until the end of recorded time.

Malcolm Tucker: [to Sir Jonathan Tutt] Mr Ambassador, with YOUR BIG BALDY HEAD, you are spoiling us!

Malcolm Tucker: [to Linton Barwick] You know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as fucking boring as you! I mean, you are a real, boring fuck! Sorry, I know you disapprove of the swearing, so I'll sort that. You are a boring eff, star, star, CUNT!

[The UN pass the resolution]
Simon Foster MP: Yep. That's that then.
Toby: Jolly good. That's that then is your line for the ages is it?
Simon Foster MP: What?
Toby: Well... "I remember the day that war was declared. I turned to the minister and he said That's that then. Anyone want a mint?"
'Simon: Piss off, Toby.

[A newspaper is reporting the collapse of Simon's constituency's wall]
Simon: God, how ridiculous! And that's news is it?
Malcolm: It's not ridiculous. It's not ridiculous at all. [Beat] You're fired.
Simon: What?
Malcolm: Over the wall. [Points at the paper] I mean, that's just not tolerable.
Simon: It's a fucking wall, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Look, The Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on The Great Wall of China. Suggesting that you're the only political fuck-up visible from space. Look at this! No-one could survive this! The PM's very clear about this; you're sacked. Over the wall.
Simon: No!
Malcolm: Yes.
Simon: You haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister!
Malcolm: I have.
Simon: You fucking haven't! I've been standing here right in front of you!
Malcolm: I have spoken to the Prime Minister. Whether it has happened or not is irrelevant, it is True! And he was very clear; you've got to go.
Simon: [Laughs nervously] If you think I'm going quietly, Malcolm, you've made a mistake.
Malcolm: Well if you want to try and turn this into some anti-war protest, expect to hear your "Mountain of Conflict" soundbite everywhere: from ringtones to fucking a dance mix on YouTube. And I will marshal all the media forces of DARKNESS to hound you to an assisted suicide. [Simon stands, stunned and terrified] Right-oh, let's just go and draft your "Dear Prime Minister, just a quick not to say thanks for giving me the sack" letter.