Life of Brian

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Life of Brian (1979) (aka Monty Python's Life of Brian) is a satirical film by the Monty Python comedy troupe about a man who is born at the same time as (and next door to) Jesus, and whose life parallels his.

[edit] Dialogue

[The Nativity: in a stable in Bethlehem, a baby lies in a manger. His mother, Mandy, is startled by the noise as three camels arrive outside.]
Mandy: Aarrgh! Who are you?
Wise Man 1: We are three wise men.
Mandy: What?
Wise Man 2: We are three wise men.
Mandy: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Wise Man 3: We are astrologers.
Wise Man 2: We have come from the East.
Mandy: Is this some kind of joke?
Wise Man 1: We wish to praise the infant.
Wise Man 2: We must pay homage to him.
Mandy: Homage? You're drunk, it's disgusting! Out! The lot, out! Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!
Wise Man 1: No, no, we must see him.
Mandy: Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!
Wise Man 2: We were led by a star.
Mandy: Led by a bottle, more like. Get out!
Wise Man 3: We must see him. We have brought gifts.
Mandy: OUT!
Wise Men: Gold! Frankincense! Myrrh!
Mandy: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there.....Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?
Wise Man 3: It is a valuable balm.
Mandy: A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.
Wise Man 3: What?
Mandy: That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.
Wise Man 1: No, it isn't.
Mandy: Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...
Wise Man 3: No, no, no. It is an ointment.
Mandy: Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, eh? Well, what is he then?
Wise Men: Hmm?
Mandy: What star sign is he?
Wise Man 1: Capricorn.
Mandy: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man 2: He is the son of God... our Messiah.
Wise Man 1: King of the Jews.
Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man 3: No, no — that's just him.
Mandy: Oh. I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Mr Cheeky: Oh, shut up Bignose!
Mr. Bignose [very loudly]: One more time, I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!
[The audience members at the back of the crowd are having trouble hearing the Sermon on the Mount.]
Man: I think it was, "Blessed are the cheesemakers"!
Gregory's wife: What's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
Reg: What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.
[Matthias is about to be stoned to death]
Matthias: Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse?! How can it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more--
[Mrs. A. throws a rock at the Jewish Official]
Jewish Official: Right! Who threw that stone? Come on. Who threw that?
Crowd: She did! It was her! [suddenly speaking as men] He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Mrs. A.: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right...
Mrs. A.: Well, you did say 'Jehovah.'
Crowd: Ah! Ooh!...
[Crowd throws rocks at Mrs. A.]
Jewish Official (stamping up and down): Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'!
Crowd: Ooh...!
[Jewish Official gets stoned to death]
Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Mandy: Stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Mandy: You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small?"
Ex-leper: Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
Brian: Did you say... "ex-leper"?
Ex-leper: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
Brian: Well, what happened?
Ex-leper: Oh cured, sir.
Brian: Cured?
Ex-leper: Yes, sir. A bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
Brian: Who cured you?
Ex-leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
Brian: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-leper: Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir.
Mandy: Brian! Come in 'ere and clean your room!
Brian: Alright [drops a coin in ex-leper's cup]]
Ex-Leper: Thank you, sir, thank y - half a denarii?! For me bloody life story?
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-Leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir!
Mandy: Your father was a Roman.
Brian: You mean... you were RAPED?!
Mandy: Well... at first, yes.
[Revolutionaries try to formulate their platform.]
Reg: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man —
Stan: Or woman.
Reg: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan? You're putting us off.
Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan: I want to be one.
Reg, Francis: What?
Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me "Loretta".
Reg: Wha'?
Loretta: It's my right as a man.
Judith: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Loretta: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies?!
Loretta: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But... you can't have babies.
Loretta: Don't you oppress me!
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan, you haven't got a womb! Where's the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?
[Stan/Loretta starts to cry.]
Judith: Here! I-I've got an idea. Suppose that you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb — which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' — but that he can have the right to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg: Wh-what's the point?
Francis: Wha'?
Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?
Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression!
Reg: Symbolic of his struggle against reality, more like...
Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: Fuck off!
Brian: What?
Reg: Judean People's Front! We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front! Cuh!
Francis: Splitters.
Brian: Can I... join your group?
Reg: Nah, piss off.
Brian: I didn't want to sell this stuff, it's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody!
Judith: Are you sure?
Brian: Oh, dead sure! I hate the Romans already!
Reg: Listen. If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh, yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: [brief pause] Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
Stan: Yeah, the Judean People's Front.
Reg: Yeah. Splitters.
Stan: And the Popular Front of Judea.
Reg: Yeah. Splitters.
Stan: And the People's Front of Judea.
Reg: Yea... what?
Stan: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.
Reg: We're the People's Front of Judea!
Stan: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg: People's Front!
Francis: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
Reg: He's over there. [points to a lone man]
Reg, Stan, Francis, Judith: SPLITTER!
[A Centurion catches Brian writing graffiti on the palace wall.]
Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go the house?
Brian: It says, "Romans go home."
Centurion: No, it doesn't! What's the Latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on !
Brian: Er, "Romanus"!
Centurion: Goes like?
Brian: Annus.
Centurion: Vocative plural of "Annus" is?
Brian: Er, "Anni"!
Centurion: "Romani"... [writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti] "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
Brian: "Go".
Centurion: Conjugate the verb, "to go"!
Brian: Er, "Ire." Er, "eo," "is," "it," "imus," "itis," "eunt."
Centurion: So, "eunt" is... ?
Brian Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
Centurion: But, "Romans go home" is an order. So you must use... ? [twists Brian's ear]
Brian: Aaagh! Imperative!
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: Aaaaagh! Er, er... "i", "i"!
Centurion: How many Romans?
Brian: Aaaaagh! Plural, plural... er, "ite"!
Centurion: "Ite"... [writes "ite" on wall] "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion toward, isn't it?
Brian: Dative! [Centurion pulls out gladius and holds it against Brian's throat] Aaagh! Not the dative, not the dative! Er, er... accusative, accusative, "ad domum", sir, "ad domum"!
Centurion: Except "Domus" takes the...?
Brian: The locative, sir!
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: "Domum"!
Centurion: "Domum"... [writes "Domum" on wall] Um. Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times.
Brian: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion: Hail Caesar! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Reg: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.
Loretta: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Reg: Yeah.
Loretta: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.
Reg: Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!
Xerxes: The aqueduct?
Reg: What?
Xerxes: The aqueduct.
Reg: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.
Commando 3: And sanitation.
Loretta: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.
Reg: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.
Matthias: And the roads!
Reg: Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads--
Commando: Irrigation.
Xerxes: Medicine.
Commandos: Huh? Heh? Huh...
Commando 2: Education.
Commandos: Ohh...
Reg: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.
Commando 1: And the wine.
Commandos: Oh, yes. Yeah...
Francis: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.
Commando: Public baths.
Loretta: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
Francis: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this!
Commandos: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
Reg: But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Xerxes: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, pea-- Shut up!
Reg: We need doers in our movement, Brian, but... before you join us, know this: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Commando: Er, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Brian: I am not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
Pontius Pilate: [incredulous] A Woman?!
Brian: No no, Roman. [Guard strikes him.] Agh!
Pontius Pilate: So, your father was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[the Centurion scoffs]
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion: Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir. Ermm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate: [guards stifle giggles] What's so funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
[Guard stifle more giggles, somewhat less successfully than before]
Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian: Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Brian: Aaah!
Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
[guard laughs]
Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!
Centurion: Oh, sir, he... he only...
Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
[takes the guard away as continues laughing hysterically]
Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. [pauses, adopts a sly expression] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
[another guard sniggers]
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
[more sniggering]
Pontius Pilate [standing in front of guard]: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus...
[stifled giggle]
Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
[both guards giggle]
Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks.
Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?!
Pontius Pilate: [Laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You are not - [Brian escapes] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!
Boring Prophet: There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Matthias: No.
Centurion: Crucifixion!
Matthias: Oh.
Centurion: Nasty, eh?
Matthias: Could be worse.
Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"?!
Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed? Stabbing takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion: ... You're weird.
Shoe Follower: He has given us... his shoe!
Arthur: The shoe is the sign. Let us follow His example.
Spike: What?
Arthur: Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise.
Eddie: Yes.
Shoe Follower: No, no, no. The shoe is...
Youth: No.
Shoe Follower: ...a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.
Girl: Cast off...
Spike: Aye. What?
Girl: ...the shoes! Follow the Gourd!
Shoe Follower: No! Let us gather shoes together!
Frank: Yes.
Shoe Follower: Let me!
Elsie: Oh, get off!
Youth: No, no! It is a sign that, like Him, we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head!
Shoe Follower: Give me your shoe!
Youth: Get off!
Girl: Follow the Gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
Follower: The Gourd!
Harry: Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us!
Arthur: It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
Harry: It's a sandal!
Arthur: No, it isn't!
Girl: Cast it away!
Arthur: Put it on!
Youth: And clear off!
Shoe Follower: Take the shoes and follow Him!
Girl: Come,...
Frank: Yes!
Girl: ...all ye who call yourself Gourdenes!
Spike: Stop! Stop! Stop, I say! Stop! Let us-- let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain... [realizes no-one is paying any attention to him, wanders off]
Blind Man: I'm healed! The master has healed me!
Brian: I didn't touch you!
Blind Man:I was blind, but now I can see...! [he falls headlong into a hole]
Brian: I'm not the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few.
Followers: Hail Messiah!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity!
Brian: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right... I AM THE MESSIAH!
Followers: HE IS! HE IS THE MESSIAH!
Brian: NOW, FUCK OFF!!!!
[there is a long awkward silence.]
Arthur: ... How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?
Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.
Simon: You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes!
Brian: Oh, lay off!
Arthur: This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
Simon: No, he's not.
Brian: Aaaagh!
Arthur: An unbeliever!
Followers: An unbeliever!
Arthur: Persecute! Kill the heretic!
Followers: Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!...
Brian: Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!
Mandy: There's no Messiah in here! There's a mess, all right, but no messiah.
Mandy: Now, you listen here! 'e's not the Messiah, 'e's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!
Brian: You are all individuals!
Crowd: YES, YES, WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!
Brian: You are all different!
Crowd: YES, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!
Lone Voice: I'm not.
Person next to him: SHH!
Biggus Dickus: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithance if there ith a thudden crithith.
Roman Official: Crucifixion? Good. Out the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next! [to each condemned man]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky: Ah, no. Freedom.
Coordinator: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Eh, freedom for me. they said I hadn't done anything, so I can go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really!
Coordinator: [laughing] Oh, I see, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Pontius Pilate: Whom would you have me welease?
Crowd: Welease Wodger!
...
Pontius Pliate: All wight. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no 'Weuben's, no 'Weginald's, no 'Wudolph the Wed-nosed Weindeer's,...
Biggus Dickus: And no 'Thpenther Trathy'th!
Parvus: All right! All right! All right! We'll soon settle this! Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here. [addressing men whose arms are already nailed to crosses]
Mr Cheeky: [to Brian] See, not so bad once your up! [Brian groans] So, being rescued?
Brian: Don't you think it's a bit late for that?
Mr Cheeky: Oh no, we've got a good few days up here, lots of people get rescued. My brother usually rescues me. That's if he can keep off the tail for more then five minutes. Huh, randy little bugger, up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian: What?!
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Mandy: So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, 'Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care.' I might have known it would...
Brian: Mum!
Mandy: ...end up like this. Sex, sex. That's...
Brian: Mum!
Mandy: ...all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to.
Crucified Singers: Always look on the bright side of life.
...
Crucified Singers: Always look on the bright side of death / Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Reg and the Gang: [singing]: For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow and so say all of us.
Loretta: And so say all of... [Reg stops him]
[they clap]
Brian: You bastards! You bastards!
Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!
[Biggus Dickus' attempt at reading the prisoner list has reduced the crowd to hysterics]
Biggus Dickus: Wath it thomething I thaid?
Pontius Pilate: Silence!
[the crowd stops laughing]
Pontius Pilate: This man commands a cwack legion!
[the crowd bursts out laughing again]
Man in crowd: "Quack!"
Pontius Pilate: He wanks as high as any in Wome!
Man in Crowd: If it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
Mandy: If it's not a personal question!? How much more personal can you get? Now piss off! [Slams shut]
Crowd: She is, yeah...definitely...

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

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