Monty Python's Flying Circus

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And now for something completely different…

Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974) was a British sketch comedy television show.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Whither Canada? [1.01]

[edit] Whizzo Butter

Pepperpot #1: I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Interviewer: Yes, we find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo Butter and a dead crab.
Various Pepperpots: It's true… We can't… No.
Pepperpot #2: Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
Interviewer: [humbly] Yes, yes…
Pepperpot #2: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo Butter from a dead crab.
Various Pepperpots: Yeah, yeah.
Pepperpot #3: You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.
Pepperpot #4: [quietly] Yeah, with a razor.

[edit] It's the Arts

Interviewer: Get your own arts programme, you fairy!

[edit] The Funniest Joke in the World

Voiceover: It was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke [Cut to stock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit.], and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
[Cut to stock footage of Hitler giving a speech.]
Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose!
Soldier: [subtitle] How does he smell?
Hitler: [subtitle] Awful!
. . .
Narrator: In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

[edit] Sex and Violence [1.02]

Ken: I'll tell you what's wrong with you: your head's addled with novels and poems! You come home reeking of Chateau L'Auteur! And look what you've done to mother! She's worn out from meeting film stars, attending premieres, and giving gala luncheons!
Dad: THERE'S NAUGHT WRONG WITH GALA LUNCHES, LAD! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners! [grabs arm and screams]
Mum: Oh no!
Ken: What is it?
Mum: Oh, it's his writer's cramp!
Ken: You never told me about this...
Mum: No, we didn't like to, Kenny.
Dad: I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here.
Mum: Oh Ken! You'd better go ...
Ken: All right. I'm going.
Dad: After all we've done for him...
Ken: One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture... There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!
Dad: Get out! Get out! Get OUT! You ... LABOURER!
Announcer: And the results of Epilogue: God exists by two falls to a submission.

[edit] How to Recognise Different Types of Trees From Quite a Long Way Away [1.03]

[edit] Nudge, Nudge

Arthur Nudge: Eh? know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more!
Man: Look, are you insinuating something?
Arthur Nudge: Oh, no no no no... yes.
Man: Well?
Arthur Nudge: Well, you're a man of the world, squire... you've been there, you've been around.
Man: What do you mean?
Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, you've done it... you've slept... with a lady.
Man: Yes.
Arthur Nudge: What's it like?

[edit] Bicycle Repair Man

Superman One: Oh look... is it a stockbroker?
Superman Two: Is it a quantity Surveyor?
Superman Three: Is it a church warden?
All Supermen: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!

[edit] Owl Stretching Time [1.04]

Teacher: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries.
Customer: There IS something going on!
Shopkeeper: There is nothing going on. Is there something going on?
[Man with machinegun enters]
Gunman: No, there is nothing going on.
[Man with machinegun leaves]
Shopkeeper: See, there's nothing going on.

[edit] Man's Crisis of Identity in the Latter Half of the Twentieth Century [1.05]

Ecyclopedia Salesman: Burglar! [rings again] Burglar!
[woman appears at other side of door]
Woman: Yes?
Encyclopedia Salesman: Burglar, madam.
Woman: What do you want?
Encyclopedia Salesman: I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.
Woman: Are you an encyclopaedia salesman?
Encyclopedia Salesman: No madam, I'm a burglar, I burgle people.
Woman: I think you're an encyclopaedia salesman.
Encyclopedia Salesman: Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please.
Woman: If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias.
Encyclopedia Salesman: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly.
Woman: Promise? No encyclopaedias?
Encyclopedia Salesman: None at all.
Woman: All right. [she opens door] You'd better come in then.
Encyclopedia Salesman: Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias... You know, they can really do you wonders.
Policeman: I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed and trained to sniff out certain substances but is also a junkie.

[edit] It's the Arts [1.06]

Mr. Figgis: Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-tzwei-macheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?
Constable Henry "Snapper" Organs: Now, this item, "Crunchy Frog". Am I to understand there's a real frog in here?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: Yes, a little one.
Constable Henry "Snapper" Organs: What sort of frog?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: A dead frog.
Constable Henry "Snapper" Organs: Is it cooked?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: No.
Constable Henry "Snapper" Organs: What, a raw frog?!
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Constable Henry "Snapper" Organs: That's as may be — it's still a frog! Do you even take the bones out?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

[edit] Full Frontal Nudity [1.08]

Mr. Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!

[edit] The Ant, an Introduction [1.09]

Woman: I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off.
Bevis: I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
Bevis: I always preferred the outdoor life…hunting…shooting…fishing…getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God’s creatures.

[edit] Untitled [1.10]

[edit] Vocational Guidance Counselor Sketch

Counselor: Well, er, yes Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon.

[edit] The Agatha Christie sketch [1.11]

Inspector Tiger:: This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?
Colonel Pickering: You don't want anybody to leave the room.
Inspector Tiger: [clicking fingers to indicate Colonel Pickering has hit the nail on the head] Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme-to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. (bangs himself on the side of the head) Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
Everybody: Tiger?
Inspector Tiger: [whirling around] WHERE? WHERE?
Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou.
Everybody: There's a man behind you?
Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou: No, you're not going to fool me with that one.

[edit] The Naked Ant [1.12]

Mr. Bimmler: Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes. Oh... and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for 10 years. [Mr. Hilter elbows him in the ribs] Ah! Five years! [Hilter elbows him again, harder] Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke!
Announcer: This man, he doesn't know when he's beaten! He doesn't know when he's winning, either. He has no… sort of… sensory apparatus…

[edit] Intermission [1.13]

Head Waiter: This is a vegetarian restaurant — we serve no meat of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it.
Surgeon: Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Face the Press [2.1]

Interviewer: Minister, in your plan, "A Better Britain For Us", you promised to build 88 thousand million billion houses a year in the greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last 15 years.

[edit] The Piranha Brothers

Vince: One day, I was sitting at home, threatening the kids, when this tank drives up. One of Dinsdale's boys gets out all nice and friendly like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me. So, he chains me to the back of the tank, and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place. Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug, Charles Paisley the Baby Crusher, a couple of film producers and a fellow called Kierkegaard who just sits there, biting the heads off whippets. And Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy, Clement', and he splits my nostrils open, saws my leg off and pulls my liver out. And I says, 'My name's not Clement', and then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor.
Interviewer: Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale?
Woman: Certainly not! He was perfectly normal in every way! Except... inasmuch as he thought he was being followed by a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman.

[edit] The Spanish Inquisition [2.2]

Reg: Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!
[Three men in red uniforms burst through the door]
Cardinal Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
"It's" Man: I would tax Raquel Welch. I have a feeling she'd tax me.
Judge Kilbraken: [referring to his death sentence for contempt of court] Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
[The whole court expectantly looks towards the door. Cut to the Inquisition running out of a house in suburbia and leaping onto a bus]
Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
[Credits start]
Biggles: Look they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurry!
Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. Hell, it's the producer - quick!
[The Inquistion leaps of the bus and bursts through into the courtroom]
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spa... [Smash cut to a frame saying "The End"] Oh bugger!

[edit] Déjà Vu [2.3]

Doctor: [emerging from under a Scotsman's kilt] Look, would you please go away? I'm trying to examine this man! It's all right, I'm a doctor... actually I'm a gynaecologist, but this is my lunch hour.
Psychiatrist Milkman: Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you're badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now, I'm not going to say that a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.

[edit] The Architect Sketch [2.4]

Mr. Wiggin: This is a 12-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive here and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...
Client 1: Excuse me.
Mr. Wiggin: Yes?
Client 1: Did you say 'knives'?
Mr. Wiggin: Rotating knives, yes.
Client 2: Do I take it that you are proposing to slaughter our tenants?
Mr. Wiggin: ...Does that not fit in with your plans?
Client 1: Not really. We asked for a simple block of flats.

[edit] Live from the Grill-o-Mat [2.5]

Man: Hello, I'd like to buy a chicken, please.
Vendor: Don't come here with that posh talk, you nasty, stuck-up twit!
Man: I beg your pardon?
Vendor: A chicken. Certainly, sir.
Man: And how much does that come to per pound, my good fellow?
Vendor: Per pound, you slimy trollop? What kind of a ponce are you?
Man: I'm sorry?
Vendor: Four and six a pound, sir. Nice and ready for roasting.
Man: I see. And I'd like to purchase some stuffing in addition, please.
Vendor: Use your own, you great poofy poll-nagger!
Man: What?
Vendor: Certainly, sir, some stuffing.
Man: Eh, thank you.
Vendor: Oh, "thank you", says the great queen, like a la-di-da pooftah!
Man: Excuse me?
Vendor: Not at all, sir, call again!
Man: Excuse me...
Vendor: What is it now, you great pillock?!
Man: I can't help but notice that you insult me, and then you're polite to me, alternately.
Vendor: Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir!
Man: Oh, that's all right. It doesn't really matter.
Vendor: Tough titty if it did, you nasty, spotted prancer!

[edit] It's A Living [2.06]

Announcer: And we move to Bristol where they have a special, Very Silly candidate...
Election Offical: Malcom Peter-Brian-Telescope-Adrian-Umbrella Stand-Jasper-Wednesday-Stoat Gobbler-John-Raw Vegetable-Artur-Norman-Michael-[honk]-Featherstone-Smith-[whistle]-Northgot-Edwards-Harris-[bang]-WOOOOOO-Mason-chuffchuffchuffchuff-Frampton-Jones-Fruit Bat-Gilbert-we'll keep a welcome in the-[bang bang bang]-Williams-If I could Walk That Way-Jenkin-[vvvt vvt vvvt vvvvewwww]-Tiger Drawers-Pratt-Thompson-Raindrops keep falling on my head-Darcy-Carter-[honk]-Pussycat-Don't sleep in the subway-Barton-Mannering-[squeek]-mmmmm-Smith...
Anouncer: Very Silly Party.
Election Offical: Two votes.

[edit] The Attila the Hun Show (2.7)

Cyril: In the debate, a spokesman accused the goverment of being silly and doing not at all good things. The member accepted this in the spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he had ever been naughty with a choir boy. Angry shouts of 'What about the watermelon then?' were ordered then by the speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut up and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government, a front-bench spokesman said the Agricultural Tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Futhermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, and a great deal of fun to him, his friends, and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'Postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the Minister Without Portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the Dachshund were very happy. And in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?

[edit] Archaeology Today [2.08]

Hank Spim: I love animals, that's why I like to kill 'em.
Reverend Belling: There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane, while others became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like us, who are out of our tiny minds, to help them.

[edit] How to Recognise Different Parts of the Body [2.09]

[edit] Bruce sketch

Bruce: Rule 1 — no pooftahs. Rule 2 — no member of the faculty is to maltreat the abos in any way whatsoever if there's anyone watching. Rule 3 — no pooftahs. Rule 4 — I don't want to catch any of you not drinking after lights out. Rule 5 — no pooftahs. Rule 6 — there is NO Rule 6. Rule 7 — no pooftahs!

[edit] Exploding Penguin sketch

Woman 1: It's funny that penguin being there, isn't it? What's it doing there?
Woman 2: Standing.
Woman 1: I can see that! Where did it come from?
Woman 2: Perhaps it comes from next door.
Woman 1: Penguins don't come from next door; they come from the Antarctic!
Woman 2: BURMA!
Woman 1: Why'd you say "Burma"?
Woman 2: I panicked.
. . .
TV Announcer: It's just gone eight o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
[The penguin explodes]
Woman 1: How did he know that was going to happen?
TV Announcer: It was an inspired guess.

[edit] Scott of the Antarctic [2.10]

Vanilla Hoare: Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star! I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench. I played Miss St John the Baptist in a trench, and I played Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Miss Alexander Fleming in a furrow, so if you want this scene played out of a trench, well you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman! I played Miss Galileo in a groove and I played Mrs Jesus Christ in a geological syncline!

[edit] How Not To Be Seen [2.11]

Fourth City Gent: Well, I've been in the city for 30 years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold-hearted, avaricious money-grubber... er, Conservative!
Reverend Gumby: I believe in peace, and bashing two bricks together!
Silly Reverend: We at the Church of the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the face purple!

[edit] Spam [2.12]

[edit] Hungarian Phrasebook

Narrator: In 1970 the British Empire lay in ruins, foreign nationals frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists shops to buy cigarettes...
Hungarian: My hovercraft is full of eels.

[edit] Spam

Mrs Bun: Have you got anything without SPAM?
Waitress: Well, there's SPAM, egg, sausage, and SPAM; that's not got much SPAM in it.
Mrs Bun: I don't want any SPAM!
Mr Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, SPAM, and sausage?
Mrs Bun: That's got SPAM in it!
Mr Bun: Hasn't got as much SPAM in it as SPAM, egg, sausage, and SPAM, has it?
Vikings: [singing] SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM... Lovely SPAM! Wonderful SPAM!

[edit] Royal Episode 13 (or The Queen Will Be Watching) [2.13]

[edit] Lifeboat Sketch

Sailor 1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor 2: That's a rather personal question, sir.

[edit] Undertaker Sketch

Man: Excuse me, are you suggesting eating my mother?
Undertaker: Well, yeah. Not raw, cooked!
Man: What?
Undertaker: Roasted, few french fries, broccoli, horsheradish sauce. [licks lips]
Man: Well... I do feel a bit peckish.
Undertaker: Great!
Man: Can we have some parsnips?
Undertaker: [calls out behind the desk] Get some parsnips!
Man: I really don't think I should...
Undertaker: Look, we'll eat her, and if you're feeling a bit guilty about it afterwards, we'll dig a grave and you can throw up in it!

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Njorl's Saga [3.1]

Mrs Conclusion: Hello, Mrs Premise.
Mrs Premise: Hello, Mrs Conclusion.
Mrs Conclusion: Busy day?
Mrs Premise: Busy! I've just spent four hours burying the cat.
Mrs Conclusion: Four hours to bury a cat?
Mrs Premise: Yes, it wouldn't keep still. Wriggling about, howling its head off.
Mrs Conclusion: Oh - it wasn't dead then?
Mrs Premise: Well, no, no, but it's not at all a well cat. So, as we were going away for a fortnight's holiday, I thought I'd better bury it just to be on the safe side.
Mrs Conclusion: Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorento to a dead cat. It'd be so anticlimactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say.
Mrs Premise: Yes.
Mrs Conclusion: We're going to have our budgie put down.
Mrs Premise: Really? Is it very old?
Mrs Conclusion: No. We just don't like it.
Third Whicker: Father Pierre, why did you stay on in this colonial Campari-land where the clink of glasses mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where waterfalls of whisky wash away the worries of a world-weary Whicker, where gin and tonic jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee of something beginning with J?

[edit] Mr. & Mrs. Brian Norris' Ford Popular [3.02]

Mrs. Shazam: Mrs. Nigger-Baiter's exploded!
Mrs. Shazam's son: Good thing, too.
Mrs. Shazam: She was my best friend!
Mrs. Shazam's son: Oh, don't be so sentimental, mother. Things explode everyday.
Host: Tschaikowsky: Was he the tortured soul who poured out his immortal longings into dignified passages of stately music, or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes?

[edit] The Money Programme [3.03]

Woman: Well there's rat cake ... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart.
Man: Strawberry tart?!
Woman: Well it's got some rat in it.
Man: How much?
Woman: Three, rather a lot really.
Man: ... well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.

[edit] The Argument Clinic

Man: Aha! If I didn't pay, then why are you arguing? Got you!
Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have. If you're still arguing, I must have paid.
Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh, I've had enough of this!
Mr. Vibrating: No, you haven't.
Man: Oh, shut up!

[edit] Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror [3.4]

Merchant Banker: Ah, Mr. Victim, I'm glad to say we've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you required. We will, of course, need for security the deed to your house, the deed to your aunt's house, of your wife's parents' house, and of your granny's bungalow. And we will in addition need a controlling interest in the stock of your new company, unrestricted access to your private bank accounts, the deposit of your three children in our vaults as hostages, and a full legal indemnity in case of any embezzlement carried out against you by members of our staff during the normal course of their duties. No, I'm afraid we couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child, but we would like to suggest a brand new scheme of ours in which 51 percent of your wife and your dog pass to us in the event of your suffering a serious accident.

[edit] The All-England Summarize Proust Competition [3.05]

Arthur Mee: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I don't think any of our contestants tonight succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork. So, I'm going to give the award to the girl with the biggest tits.
Narrator: Mount Everest. Forbidding. Aloof. Terrifying. The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.

[edit] The War Against Pornography [3.06]

Documentary Presenter: The gastropod is a randy little fellow whose tiny brain scarcely strays from the subject of you-know-what. The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet; this hot-blooded little beast, with its tent-like shell, is always on the job. Its extramarital activities are something startling. Frankly, I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock face! How am I doing?
Gladys: Disgusting!
George: But more interesting!
Documentary Presenter: Another loose-living gastropod is the periwinkle. This shameless little libertine with its characteristic ventral locomotion is not the marrying kind! "Anywhere, anythime" is its motto, off with the shell and they're at it!
Gladys: What about the lemmelebrates?
Documentary Presenter: I'm coming to them. The Great Scallop: This tacky, scrofulous old rapist is second in depravity only to the common clam. This latter is a right whore! A harlot! A cynical, bed-hopping, firm-breasted, Rabelaisian bit of seafood that makes Fanny Hill look like a dead pope! And finally, among the lemmelebrate bivalves, that most depraved of the whole subspecies, the whelk. The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind! This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacian, this mincing mollusk, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick!
Announcer: We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby, ulcerous, little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. We are sorry if this impression has come across.

[edit] Salad Days [3.07]

Various characters: Lemon curry?!
Announcer #1: The BBC would like to apologize to everyone in the world for that last item. It was disgusting and bad and thouroughly disobediant, and please don't bother to phone up because we know it was very tasteless, but they didn't really mean it and they all come from broken homes and have very unhappy personal lives, especially Eric. Anyway, they're all really nice people underneath, and very warm in the traditional show business way. And please don't write in either because the BBC is going through an unhappy phase at the moment, what with its father dying, and the mortgage, and BBC2 going out with men.
Announcer #2: The BBC would like to deny the last apology. It is very happy at home, and BBC2 is bound to go through this phase, so from all of us here, good night, sleep well, and have an absolutely super day tomorrow, kiss kiss.

[edit] The Cycling Tour [3.08]

Mr. Pither: You are Rear Admiral Sir Dudley Compton?
Chinaman: No. He die. He have heart attack and fell out of window onto exploding bomb, and was killed in shooting accident.
Chinaman: [toasting] Buttocks up!
Communist: Oh, my lack of God! It's Trotsky!

[edit] The Nude Organist [3.9]

Badger: There's a bomb onboard this plane, and I'll tell you where it is for a thousand pounds.
Second Pilot: I don't believe you.
Badger: If you don't tell me where the bomb is... If I don't give you the money... Unless you give me the bomb...
Stewardess: The money.
Badger: The bomb, thank you pretty lady — the bomb will explode, killing everybody.
Second Pilot: Including you.
Badger: [pause] I'll tell you where it is for a pound.
Second Pilot: Here's a pound.
Badger: I don't want Scottish money. They've got the numbers. It can be traced.
Second Pilot: One English pound. Now where's the bomb?
Badger: I can't remember.
Second Pilot: You've forgotten.
Badger: Aye, you'd better have your pound back. Oh... [rubs it] fingerprints.
First Pilot: Now where's the bomb?
Badger: Ah, wait a tic, wait a tic. Er, my first is in Glasgow but not in Spain, my second is in steamer but not in train, my whole is in the luggage compartment on the plane... I'll tell you where the bomb is for a pound.
Second Pilot: It's in the luggage compartment.
Badger: Right. Here's your pound.
Narrator: This is the planet Algon, fifth world in the system of Aldebaran, the Red Giant in the constellation of Sagittarius. Here an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate costs four million pounds, an immersion heater for the hot-water tank costs over six billion pounds, and a pair of split-crotch panties would be almost unobtainable.

[edit] Dr. E. Henry Thripshaw's Disease [3.10]

Roger Last: Good evening. Tonight on 'Is There' we examine the question, 'Is there a life after death?' And here to discuss it are three dead people.

[edit] Dennis Moore [3.11]

Mrs O: [reading her horoscope] You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizardlike in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid subtropical zones, and you wear spectacles.
Mrs Trepidatious: It's very good about the spectacles.
Mrs O: It's amazing!
"Prejudice" Host: Well now, the result of last week's competition when we asked you to find a derogatory term for the Belgians. Well, the response was enormous and we took quite a long time sorting out the winners. There were some very clever entries. Mrs Hatred of Leicester Said 'let's not call them anything, let's just ignore them'. And a Mr St John of Huntingdon said he couldn't think of anything more derogatory than Belgians. But in the end we settled on three choices: number three ... the Sprouts, sent in by Mrs Vicious of Hastings... very nice; number two..... the Phlegms, from Mrs Childmolester of Worthing; but the winner was undoubtedly from Mrs No-Supper-For-You from Norwood in Lancashire... Miserable Fat Belgian Bastards!

[edit] A Book at Bedtime [3.12]

Presenter: Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong.
Scientist: If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it was!

[edit] Grandstand [3.13]

[edit] The Dirty Vicar Sketch

Vicar: I like TITS!!! [Attacks noblewoman]
First Lady: Oh vicar! Vicar!
Vicar: [composing himself] Oh my goodness, I do beg your pardon! How dreadful! The first day in my new parish, I completely ... so sorry!
First Lady: Yes. Never mind, never mind. Chivers - send Mary in with a new gown, will you?
Chivers: Certainly, m'lady.
Vicar: I do beg your pardon ... I must sit down.
First Lady: As I was saying, how do you find the new vicarage?
Vicar: Oh yes, certainly, yes indeed, I find the grounds delightful, and the servants most attentive. Particularly the little serving maid with GREAT BIG KNOCKERS! [attacks again]

[edit] Series 4

[edit] The Golden Age of Ballooning [4.1]

Antoinette: Oh, Joseph! All you think about is balloons. All you talk about is balloons. Your beautiful house is full of bits and pieces of balloons. Your books are all about balloons, every time you sing a song, it is in some way obliquely connected with balloons... Everything you eat has to have "balloon" incorporated in the title. Your dogs are all called Balloono. You tie balloons to your ankles in the evenings!
Joseph Montgolfier: I don't do that!
Antoinette: Well, no, you don't do that. But you do duck down and shout, "Hey! Balloons!" when there are none about. Your whole life is becoming obsessively balloonic, you know... Oh-h-h! Why do I have to hang from this bloody gas bag all day?

[edit] Michael Ellis [4.2]

Mother: What have you got now?
Chris: I bought an ant, mother.
Mother: What d'you want one of them for! I'm not going to clean it out. You said you'd clean the tiger out, but do you? No, I suppose you've lost interest in it now. Now it'll be ant ant ant for a couple of days, then all of a sudden, 'oh, mum, I've bought a sloth' or some other odd-toed ungulate like a tapir.
Chris: It's really different this time, mum. I'm really going to look after this ant.
Mother: That's what you said about the sperm whale... now your papa's having to use it as a garage.
Chris: Well, you didn't feed it properly.
Mother: Where are we going to get 44 tons of plankton from every morning? Your dad was dead vexed about that. They thought he was mad in the deli.
Chris: Well at least he's got a free garage.
Mother: That's no good to him... his Hillman smells all fishy. [growl from the tiger] Oh blimey, that's the tiger. He'll want his mandies.
Chris: Are you giving that tiger drugs?
Mother: 'Course I'm giving it drugs!
Chris: It's illegal.
Mother: You try telling that to the tiger.
Chris: I think it's dangerous.
Mother: Listen, before he started fixing, he used to get through four Jehovah's witnesses a day. And he used to eat all of them, except the pamphlets.
Chris: Well, he's not dim.

[edit] Light Entertainment War [4.3]

Peter Woods: We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash. The Second World War has now entered a sentimental stage. The morning on the Ardennes Front, the Germans started spooning at dawn, but the British Fifth Army responded by gazing deep in their eyes, and the Germans are reported to have gone 'all coy'.

[edit] Hamlet [4.4]

Mr Gabriello: Wasn't he great, my boy?
Eric: He was great, Mr Gabriello.
Mr Gabriello: The way he kept fighting after his head came off!
Eric: He was better when the head came off, Mr Gabriello. He was really dodging the guy.
Mr Gabriello: Yeah, I reckon that if he could've lasted till the end of that first minute, he would've had the Killer worried.
Eric: Sure, Mr Gabriello.
Mr Gabriello: Oh he was great. Did you see his left arm?
Eric: No.
Mr. Gabriello: OK, we'll look around the hall after everybody's gone.

[edit] Mr. Neutron [4.5]

Mr Neutron: I want you to be my helpmate. As Tarzan had his Jane, as Napoleon had his Josephine, as Frankie Laine had whoever he had. I want you to help me in my plan to dominate the world!
Mrs Scum: Oh, Mr N! That I should be so lucky!
Mr Neutron: You're not Jewish, are you?

[edit] Party Political Broadcast [4.6]

Vendor: A strong hive of bees contains approximately 75,000 bees. Each honey bee must make 154 trips to collect one teaspoon of honey. Hello, sir.
Dad: What do you want?
Vendor: Would you like to buy some of our honey, sir?
Mother: What you doing in here?
Vendor: Which would you like, the Californian Orange Blossom, the Mexican, the New Zealand, or the Scottish Heather?
Mother: He can't eat honey. It makes him go plop plops.
Vendor: Come on, please try some.
Dad: All right, I'll have some Icelandic Honey.
Vendor: No, there is no such thing.
Dad: You mean you don't make any honey at all?
Vendor: No, no, we must import it all. Every bally drop. We are a gloomy people. It's so crikey cold and dark up there, and only fish to eat. Fish and imported honey. Oh strewth!
Mother: Well why do you have a week?
Vendor: Listen buster! In Rejkyavik it is dark for eight months of the year, and it's cold enough to freeze your wrists off and there's only golly fish to eat. Administrative errors are bound to occur in enormous quantities. Look at this — it's all a mistake. It's a real pain in the sphincter! Icelandic Honey Week? My life!
Mother: Well why do you come in here trying to flog the stuff, then?
Vendor: Listen cowboy, I got a job to do. IT'S A STUPID, POINTLESS JOB, BUT AT LEAST IT KEEPS ME AWAY FROM ICELAND, ALL RIGHT? The leg of the worker bee has...
[They slam the door on him.]

[edit] Other Quotes

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  • "IT'S..." A hermit right before the opening titles

[edit] Major cast

All players assumed many various roles.

[edit] See also


[edit] External links

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