Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life (aka The Meaning of Life), is a 1983 movie by Monty Python

Part I: The Miracle of Birth

Obstetrician 1: Get the EEG, the BP monitor, and the AVV.

Obstetrician 2: And get the machine that goes "PING!"

Obstetrician 1: And get the most expensive machine in case the Administrator comes.

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Patient: What do I do?

Obstetrician: Nothing, dear, you're not qualified.

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[After the doctors quickly drop the baby into an incubator, the mother looks up.]

Patient: Is it a boy or a girl?

Obstetrician: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?

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Hospital Administrator: Ah, I see you have the machine that goes "PING!" This is my favorite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to; that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. [The doctors and onlookers applaud.] Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

The Miracle of Birth, Part 2: The Third World

Mr Blacket: When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but… 400 years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas.

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Mrs Blacket: Have you got one [a condom]?

Mr Blacket: Well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'

Part III: Fighting Each Other

General: Well, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right — stop that! It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers the meaning of life, it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. And without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could, quite simply, disappear! That is why we'll always need an army, and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise.

[A lightning bolt destroys the general. Cut to outside, where the Hand of God rises into the clouds. A sergeant major stands before his troops.]

Sergeant Major: DON'T STAND THERE GAWPING LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE HAND O' GOD BEFORE! Right, then! Today we're gonna practice, marching up and down the square! That is, unless any of you got anything better to do? Well?!

Atkinson: Sarge.

Sergeant Major: Yes, Atkinson! What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?

Atkinson: I'm learning the piano.

Sergeant Major: LEARNING THE PIANO?! And I suppose you want to go practice then, eh? Marching up and down the square not GOOD ENOUGH for you then, eh? RIGHT! Off you go! Everyone else keen to join in my little scheme of marching up and down the square?!

Whitley: Sarge!

Sergeant Major: Yes, Whitley, what is it?!

Whitley: I have a book I'd quite like to read.

Sergeant Major: Right, you go read your book, then. How about the rest of you? Rather be at the pictures, I suppose! [The rest of the men murmur assent] RIGHT, OFF YOU GO! [To the camera, as the men fall out and leave] Bloody Army, dunno what it's coming to! Right, then- Sergeant Major, marching up and down the square: GO! Left, right, left, right...

Narrator: Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British Army.

Sergeant Major: RUBBISH!

Narrator: Shush!

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[During the 1st Zulu War (1879) in Glasgow Natal]

Ainsworth: Hello, Doctor, during the night, Ol' Perkins here got his leg bitten sort of ... off.

Dr. Livingstone: Oh, really? Been in the wars, have we? Well, let's take a look at this one leg of yours. [prods with the tip of his pipe] Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.

Perkins: Oh, good.

Dr. Livingstone: Eh, there's a lot of it about — probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing any football try and favor the other leg.

Perkins: So, it'll, uh… it'll just grow back again, will it?

Dr. Livingstone: Ah… I think I'd… better come clean with you about this. It's, um… it's… not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call "very, very small". So small, it could not possibly have made off with the whole leg. What we're looking here for is, I think — and this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear — is some multicellular life form with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth about eleven feet long, and of the genus felis horribilis — what we doctors, in fact, call a tiger.

Ainsworth, Pakenham-Walsh, Perkins: [in unison] A tiger?

[Outside, the British troops and the Zulus cease fighting.]

British Troops, Zulus: A tiger?

[As the Zulus flee, the British troops collapse to the ground. Back in the medical tent…]

Pakenham-Walsh: A tiger, in Africa?

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Soldier: Here is better than home, eh, sir? I mean, at home if you kill someone they arrest you — here they'll give you a gun and show you what to do, sir. I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers. Now, at home they'd hang me — here they'll give me a fucking medal, sir!

Part V: Live Organ Transplants

Man From Fridge: Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown,

And things seem hard or tough, And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft, And you feel like you've just had enough, [The wall crashes down revealing space] Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving, Revolving at 900 miles an hour, It's orbiting at 90 miles a second, So it's reckoned, The Sun that is the source of all our power, The Sun, and you and me, And all the stars that we can see, Are moving at a million miles per day, Of a outer spiral arm, Of 40,000 miles an hour, On this galaxy we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars, That's 100 billion light years side to side, It bulges in the middle, 60,000 light years thick, But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide, We're 30,000 light years from the galactic central point, We go round every 100 million years, And our galaxy is only one of millions and billions, Of our amazing and expanding universe,

The universe itself keeps expanding and expanding, In all of the directions it can whizz, As fast as it can go, At the speed of light, you know, Twelve million miles a minute, And that's the fastest speed there is, So, remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, How amazing unlikely of your birth, And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, 'Coz there's bugger all down here on Earth

Mrs Brown: It feels all so insignificant, doesn't, it?

Surgeon: Yeah, yeah. Can we have your liver, then?

Mrs Brown: Yeah, alright, you talked me into it.

Part VI: The Autumn Years

Maître-D': Ah, good afternoon, sir; and how are we today?

Mr Creosote: Better.

Maître-D': Better?

Mr Creosote: Better get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up.

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Maître-D': Uh, today we ’ave for appetizers — excuse me. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, Beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireau — that’s leek tart — frogs’ legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd — c’est-à-dire, little quails’ eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom; it’s very delicate, very subtle.

Mr Creosote: I’ll have the lot.

Maître-D': [Pause] A wise choice, monsieur! And now, ’ow would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezher in a bucket?

Mr Creosote: Yeah... with the eggs on top.

Part VII: Death

[Geoffrey is confronted by a hooded figure with a scythe.]

Geoffrey: Yes? [Pause.] Is it about the hedge?

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Grim Reaper: Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this.' Well, you're dead now, so shut up.

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Grim Reaper: [Pokes Geoffrey in the eye.] Be quiet! You Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls.

The End of the Film

Lady Presenter: Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life.

[She is handed a gold-wrapped booklet.]

Lady Presenter: Thank you, Brigitte.

[She clears her throat, then unwraps and examines the gilt booklet.]

Lady Presenter: Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. Where's the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. Goodnight.

Major cast

• Graham Chapman — Obstetrician, Mr Blackitt, General, Dr. Livingstone, Labcoat #2 (Eric), Chairman, Geoffrey
• John Cleese — Humphrey Williams, Ainsworth, Labcoat #1, Mâitre-D, Grim Reaper
• Terry Gilliam — Mr Brown, Howard Katzenberg
• Eric Idle — Mrs Blackitt, Perkins, Man in Pink, Gaston, Angela
• Terry Jones — Board Member, Mrs Brown, Mr Creosote, Maria
• Michael Palin — Catholic Dad, Chaplain, Sergeant Major, Pakenham-Walsh, Harry, Padre, Lady Presenter

See also

• Monty Python's Flying Circus
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• Life of Brian

External links

• The Meaning of Life quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Complete script