Moral Orel

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Moral Orel (2005–2008) was an animated show on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" segment, which centers around the life of Orel Puppington, a young boy who consistently fails in his attempts to understand and abide by Protestant Christian values.

Season 1[edit]

The Lord's Greatest Gift [1.01][edit]

Orel: Gee, dad, I'm sorry I goofed up. I was just trying to be good, so you could love me more than you do now.
Clay: Oh, Orel. I could never love you more! People only have a certain amount of love in them, and I'm afraid I have to divide mine up between at least a dozen people.
Orel: Oh.
Clay: But remember son, I love you enough.
Orel: I love you enough, too, dad!

Orel: Behave Shapey, we're going to church!
Shapey: Shut up!

Orel: Gee dad, I was just trying to stop those dead people from spitting phelgm onto God's face
Clay: That much I understand, son. But there are other ways of preserving God's gift of life
Orel: How?
Clay: Well, for one... [Picks up the Necronomicon from the shelf] where in this book does it say the dead have to be naked?
Orel: Well, it doesn't really, but some of their clothes were stinky and messy with blood.
Clay: Their clothes didn't smell, Orel, their bodies smell. Their disgusting, exposed bodies.
Orel: Oh. I guess I was too caught up in bringing them back to life to notice
Clay: That's no excuse. Nudity is a horrible thing, and should only be committed as a last resort. Remember the lost 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.

Orel: You know, Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today sure made me think.
Doughy: But Orel, you know you're not supposed to think when it comes to God and faith!

Doughy: Hey Orel, wanna come over to my house and play?
Orel: Can I, mom?
Bloberta: Alright, but don't take any rides from strangers
Orel: Why?
Clay and Bloberta: Because you're in your good Sunday suit!

Orel and Doughy are walking through the cemetery
Doughy: It's always so pretty. Do you think it's because dead people make good fertilizer?
Orel: Hmmmmm...maybe

Orel: Gosh, you sure were right, dad
Clay: Well, I guess that's why they call me dad...and not mom

God's Chef [1.02][edit]

Doughy: Hey Orel, what did you put for number 3 on the science test?
Orel: Jesus.
Doughty: Oh, of course!

[Orel is heard grunting in one of the toilet cubicles. Clicky, the janitor, hears this]
Clicky: Who's havin' trouble in there?
Orel: No trouble here, Clicky
Clicky: That you, Orel?
Orel: Yeah
Clicky: Then you should eat more fruit!
Orel: Why?
Clicky: Help's you go no. 2
Orel: I ain't going no. 2
Clicky: Then no-one should be gruntin' like that goin' no. 1
Orel: I ain't going no. 1 either
Clicky: Then if you ain't goin' no. 1, and you ain't goin' no. 2, then what the hell number are you goin'?!
Orel: Uh...no. 3?
[Clicky realizes and walks into the cubicle]
Clicky: Jesus H. Rodriguez!
Orel: So close...

Principal Fakey: Orel, do you know what happens to little boys who masturbate?
Orel: Well, not till a week ago. But now, my whole world's opened up!

Principal Fakey: Orel, there are some things that are burned so deep into a person's subconscious that you forget just why they're there. You only know that they've scarred you in such a horrible and personal way that they must be right.

Reverend Putty: Haven't you heard the handy rhyme? [reading off three tapestries] "Number one, gold like God made the sun; number two, Good Lord help me go poo; number three, the Devil sets my sperm free"
Orel: No, I never heard the Protestant version before
Reverend Putty: Well, it's been bastardized over the years.
Orel: By who?
Reverend Putty: [[angry] Bastards, Orel...fatherless bastards...

Clay: Why.......I mean, yes?

Orel: Dad, how do you make babies?
[Clay walks over to his book-shelf and takes out a book entitled "The Fake Facts of Life, Ages 5-15" which contains childish and easy ways to tell children about the "baby-making" process"]
Clay: How old are you, Orel? 9?
Orel: 11.
Clay: Hmm, 11. This is interesting. Now that you're 11, you can now know the real story. "Babies are made by God's chef, visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injecting them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag." Brilliant.
Orel: Gods Chef?
Clay: All right here in the black and white.

Clay: That still doesn’t explain why you were out past curfew
Orel: But dad, how else was I gonna be God’s chef? Ladies needed to be asleep for me to shoot my yummy contents into them.
Clay: You’re not supposed to be God’s chef, Orel. God’s chef is just a whimsical character like Santa or Charles Darwin.

Charity [1.03][edit]

Orel: This is jive!
Clay: Orel! I think you and I have a date...in my study!

Rev. Putty: Friends, I look around this town and my heart breaks. But it's not the kind of heartbreak I get when a woman rejects me.

Mr Figgurelli: Hey, how about working here? I can use an underage delivery boy that I can pay whatever I want.

Clay: Selling crack is a very lucrative business right now. People love it!

Clay: But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.
Orel: Slang?
Clay: Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.
Orel: I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.
Clay:: Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.

Waste [1.04][edit]

Bloberta: Orel, that pig died for you to eat, not peck

Clay: You have a lot of time before you decide what you're going to do for a living. And when you do start working, it's not going to be as easy as just peeing into a Tupperware container. Working is a very hard, soul-numbing and joyless experience, son
Orel: Gosh, thanks for preparin' me for the future Dad, you're the best!
Clay: If I can make sure your ready for the dead-end bleakness of adulthood, then I've done my job.

Clay: Stinking dead-end job...
Bloberta: Hello, sweetheart
Clay: [Cheerfully] hi, honey!

Principal Fakey: This is the proudest day in Diorama Elementary history. Never has the elimination of the Arts from the budget been so triumphantly justified.

Bloberta: I'm not throwing out your breakfast again, it's a waste. And God hates waste
Orel: He does?
Bloberta: Yes. Why do you think He won't even throw the devil away?
Clay: Your mother's right, Orel. What's more, your track coach, Mr. Stopframe, has just sent me a 12 page letter.
Orel: What does it say?
Clay: Oh, many many things...but here on page 7, he mentions you.
Orel: Oh, but why did he send you--
Clay: He says that you've been coming in with slower and slower times at practice.
Orel: What else does he write about Dad?
Clay: Well, that's all as far as you're concerned.

The Blessed Union [1.05][edit]

Orel: Miss Sculptham, I have a question
Agnes Sculptham: You heard the bell, Orel. No more learning today...

Coach Stopframe: Clay, it's Danielle!

Orel: What's the best way to find out what your wife needs to be happy?
Clay: Well, I guess the best way to find out what any woman needs to read what other men think women need

Stephanie: Well, in this town, I guess I could use someone like me when I was your height. OK kid, I’m gonna give you a “Prince Albert”
Orel: “Prince Albert?”
Stephanie: Yep, I’m gonna put one of these through your Johnson. Then when you’re finally tall enough to drive at home, your good lady wife will be squealing like she’s won a year’s supply of pantyhose

[In the study after Clay learns of Orel's piercing]
Clay: Orel, I want you to stay away from that person
Orel: But dad, she has such a warm attitude
Clay: "Warm attitude?" You kids today and your slang
Orel: But it's true, she's very pleasant
Clay: Son, she's only pleasant because she is different. When you're normal like the rest of us in Moralton, you have the luxury of being unpleasant

Omnipresence [1.06][edit]

Clay: Son, imagine my disappointment when I got a call from the hospital, and found you weren't sick or injured.

Clay: Remember, Orel: foul smells attract Satan.
Bloberta: And we certainly don't want him near our toothbrushes.

Clay: Well, sure, there’s a little bit of God in all of us, just not enough to do any good.

Clay: I'm surprised at you, Orel; you know that only God and the government can decide who lives and who dies.

Nurse Bendy: Look, I’m busy, just help yourself.
Orel: Help myself to the sick?
Nurse Bendy: Yeah; believe me, you can’t go anywhere around without knocking one of THOSE over.

Man: [On a stretcher] where are you taking me now?
Paramedic: First, to Saint Martin’s hospital for the broken neck; and then to State County Prison for the broken law.

God-Fearing [1.07][edit]

Orel: Gee, the Lord sure woks in mysterious ways!
Reverend Putty: He's not mysterious, Orel; He works in one way. Give Him the opportunity...and He's gonna get ya!

Doughy: Is being a policeman scary?
Officer Papermouth: No, son, I’m never scared when I’m out on the beat; because I have the best backup team out there, Officer’s God and Jesus. I know God protects me from all danger and Jesus guides my bullets straight into the brains and lungs of lawless slime

Orel: I’m never gonna be scared by tonight if I don’t kill someone [Walks away sadly]
Doughy: Poor Orel. [Looks up to the sky] what is wrong with you?!

Orel: Sorry to interrupt your dinner, Reverend.
Reverend Putty: Company isn't an interruption, Orel. Just an occasional reminder of my involuntary solitude...

Loyalty [1.08][edit]

Clay:Your friendship and loyalty to Joe led you to hurting other people.
Orel: Yeah…those boys in the forest…
Clay: No, I’m talking about your three real friends: Doughy, Tommy and the rest!

Singer: My grandma fell off of the rooftop
Oh, granny, you got some bad luck.
But what she said when she fell on her head,
She yelled out an ear-splitting "Ffffffollow Jesus, have faith in the Lord,
"Praise his name and receieve your reward"

Clay: So you see, friendship is a complicated headache, but it’s ultimately worth it.

Clay: Hey, Reverend, wouldn't "devilled egg" make much more sense than "omlette" for Judas?
[Pause]
Rev. Putty: No.

Clay: Now let’s go drink dinner.
Orel: Don’t you mean eat dinner?
Clay: ……………………Yeah

Doughy: Hey Orel, instead of throwing rocks at my dad's car, how about playing with me, Tommy and him?

(after finding out the situation with Orel and Joe from the gang by making them drink alcohol)
Clay: Okay, boys, alright. Well, thanks. I'll handle it.
Doughy: You're not gonna hit them, are you, Mr. Puppington?
Clay: Oh, Doughy, God wants us to beat our kids when they're bad.
Doughy: He does?
Clay: Yes.
Doughy: Why?
Clay: Because....[Walks off]

Maturity [1.09][edit]

Clay: Orel, you know the rule: Don't upset your brother until your dad has had his first highball.

Clay: No buts, young man. You need to behave more like an adult around here.
Orel: But I'm only twelve.
Clay: That's no excuse, why your own personal hero Jesus was very mature at your age.
Orel: He was?
Clay: Of course! At age twelve, he was already proving the Jews wrong.

Doughy: Gee why are we sneaking' around this tavern Orel?
Orel: Because Doughy I need to observe maturity and I figure there is no more mature place than...
(Gets cut off by two guys stumbling out of the tavern fighting over whether football or hockey is better)

Doughy: Gosh Principal Fakey is kissing Nurse Blinkless. I don't understand - isn't he married to Mrs. Fakey?
Orel: Don't question your elders, Doughy. Principal Fakey is in his 50's - he must know the best. We just don't understand yet.

Officer Papermouth: Don't get me wrong being alone is great. It's just that I don't know what to do with my money.
Bartender: Oh I can think of a few things honey.
Officer Papermouth: That's what I'm saying! I'll give you money!

Clay: That kid gets more action than I do.
Bloberta: I'm still weaning him, Clay.
Clay: Bloberta, he's seven! He should not be using your milk to wash down his meatloaf, which I pay for by working that stinking dead-end job!
Bloberta: I'm so sick of your complaining. Why don't you just quit your job and quit being such a crybaby?
Clay: Oh, thanks for the sympathy! You have never been on my side!
Bloberta: Why would I be on the side of a self destructive alcoholic?
Clay: I can't believe I gave you the privilege of satisfying me every night

Bloberta: Have a good day at school, dear!
Orel: Ehh, have a good day yourself...
Bloberta: Hmm... Now where have I seen that behavior before? Have a good day at work dear!
Clay: Ehh, have a good day yourself...

Clay: Orel, drinking on a daily basis is not the only way to be an adult.

Clay: Oh son, behaving like a grown up is many things. First and for most, it means doing things that you hate doing.
Orel: Like what, pop?
Clay: Well, like dealing with people who make you unhappy, being stressed about things you have no control over, working soul-numbing jobs.
Orel: Oh.
Clay: Then gradually as we endure these hardships and accept them as normal, that's when we finally earned the right to get drunk and be emotionally distant from our families.

The Best Christmas Ever [1.10][edit]

Reverend Putty: I'd like to welcome a very special Merry 1st Christmas to our Jews for Jesus friends. You know, during this joyous season, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas. What Christmas is really about is the birth of the cute little baby who would grow up to die an unbelievably horrible death for our sins. You know who I'm talkin about: Jesus, our Savior! Born from an attractive, young virgin named Mary.
Jesus was an unplanned birth that really made a name for itself. Not only is he a symbol of righteousness, but also the perfect poster child against abortion! Like if Joseph had refused to let the baby grow within Mary, who knows what this building would be right now... maybe even a synagogue! But because Joseph had the moral goodness to raise the "surprise;" we are safe and warm here in a Protestant church. Amen, and merry Christmas

Clay: You'd better get to bed, boys. Santa's coming, and he knows that kids who stay up late are jerks

Orel: Boy, God. This sure didn't turn out to be the best Christmas ever. But You still have two minutes left... and I have faith in You.
[Orel looks up to the sky as the camera is pulled back and Orel becomes smaller and smaller. The episode ends]

Radio Jingle: If the Lord were alive today, what would you give him this Christmas?
What would you give someone who has everything and more?
He can heal the sick, so don't give him an aspirin
He can walk on water, so don't give him support.
If the lord were alive today, what would you give him this Christmas?
You'd give him a $20 certificate at Pizza Joe's!

While talking with Bloberta about Shapey
Clay: He doesn't even look anything like me...WHO'S BEEN INSIDE YOU?!

Season 2[edit]

God's Image [2.01][edit]

Clay: Son, I know things have been rough over the past few months, what with your mothers unreasonable behavior and bitter coldness towards me.
[Orel is about to put some Chinese food in his mouth]
Clay:Don't say it, you and Shapey are still young, needy, impressionable children. So your mother and i have decided to stay together. If only for appearances. The last thing we want people to think is that we don't care about our own kids. That's one fact that is none of their business

Reverend Putty: We we're all made in God's image. Now what does that phrase REALLY mean? I mean, if an ugly, fat lady is made in God's image, then how can a stuck-up, pretty lady also be made in God's image?

Billy Figgurelli: Dad, can't I play just this once?
Sal Figgurelli: No prob, Billy. But be home by three. We have to wash all the not-three-o'clock parts of the clock!

Mr Christein: Figgurelli, I hear the townspeople are all into this segregation mishegus. Oy, it reminds me of when King Herod got spilchiche because of our Lord and savior
Sal Figgurelli: Huh?
Mr Christein: You know. It starts with the stereotyping and ends with the kaputz?

Doughy: Playing is fun. What should we play?
Orel: let's play church!
Boys: Church?
Orel: Yeah!
Joe: How about "dodge glass?" [Throws broken bottle at Billy Figgurelli, who bleeds] You cut your hand with the glass, just like I wanted you too!

Sal Figgurelli: Come on, everyone, in the attic! They'll never find us up here. Oh, Suzie, start writing in this [Hands over a diary]
Suzie Figgurelli: Why, daddy?
Sal Figgurelli: It's good, you know, for when you're dead!

Christstein Kids: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, Jesus made it out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel dreidel, then made water into wine.

Orel: You sure do work hard, Mr. Figgurelli
Sal Figgurelli: There's three things we Figgurelli's do: we work hard, we love God, and we wish there was a third thing

Love [2.02][edit]

Orel: Hey, dad, want to play catch with me?
Clay: Has gravity gone away, Orel?
Orel: No, sir.
Clay: Then don't ask me to take away the place ofsomething that the good Lord has already provided for you.
Orel: Okay...

Orel: [Holding the dog] Mom, look what I found.
Bloberta: Orel, you know that living animals aren't supposed to be around the delicious ones.
Orel: I want to keep him as a pet
Bloberta: Nonsense, you already have Shapey

Doughy: Come on, Orel, we don't wanna be late for Bible Youth Fun Club. You know how intolerant they can all be

Rev. Putty: …rough, rough, rough, rough! It’s rough in hell; but if you follow my sermon, you will avoid the blazing pit. For today’s lesson is about something I don’t get to talk a lot about up here: love. Sure, it’s easy when you got fear and God’s reliable spine-chilling wrath on your side. But love? How can we apply love to our faith? Anybody know the answer? Nope, it’s a trick question. And here’s the simple answer: love Jesus. God wants you to love Jesus more than anything else in the world. More than your mother; more than your father; more than your favorite food; and yes, even more than money.
[The adults of the congregation gasp with horror]

Orel: Hey dad
Clay: What's up, real son of mine?
Orel: Dad, how do you keep from loving someone too much?
Clay: Glad you asked, Orel. Love is a very beautiful, very intense feeling for a startling short period of time. Before long, you realize it gets in the way of the important things in life; like, just going to sleep or being left alone. That's when love starts fading and lies kicks in
Orel: But how long does it actually take for love to fade?
Clay: Oh, quicker than you think, kid, quicker than you think...

Clay: Now hand him over to Doctor Potterswheel, he has a shot waiting for him that'll be virtually painless; right, doc?
Doctor Potterswheel: Well, i'm no vet; but, then again, i'm only gonna kill it

Orel: Gee, dad, does he have to die?
Clay: With all that love being spread everywhere, this dog is dangerous

Bloberta: Animals have no souls whatsoever. That's what makes it tasty when we eat and drink them

Satan [2.03][edit]

Coach Stopframe: Lord in heaven, have him call me.
(Flips cross on wall upside down)
Coach Stopframe: Satan in hell, make him call me.

Bloberta: My, you're working late
Clay: Stinking--
Bloberta: Dead end job, uh-huh.

[Coach Stopframe is looking through a book of Satanic spells and then looks a photo of Clay]
Orel: Coach Stopframe?
Coach Stopframe: Oh, hi, Orel.
Orel: Whatcha got there?
Coach Daniel: Mmm, nothing, just a picture. Oh, hey, Orel, do you think that you could get me a little bit of your dad's hair?
Orel: Sure! What for?
Coach Daniel: Well, I...want to buy him a new comb and I need to see what gauge teeth to get on it.

Flygron: Greetings. I am Flygron. Come in and have some pizza.
Orel: Yum! [Runs inside]
Flygron: Uh, who's the kid?
Coach Stopframe: He's the virgin.
Flygron: What? That's totally against the law.
Coach Stopframe: But it's for the ritual.
Flygron: Don't you know any legal virgins?
Coach Daniel Stopframe: Hadn't crossed my mind, really.

Clay: Orel, why are you sifting through the garbage bag so early in the morning?
Orel: Oh, is it THAT early?
Clay: Yes, and I haven't even finished my third drink yet!
Orel: Well...
Clay: And why do you have a strand of my hair in your hand?
Orel: Uh...
Clay: Orel, are you planning to buy me a new comb?
Orel: [Gasps] how'd you guess?
Clay: Well, it was either that or you were gonna put a Satanic spell on me!

Reverend Putty: Homosexuality.
[The congregation gasps]
Reverend Putty: Not only is it the biggest sin out there, it's just plain unfair. Men with men? Are you kidding me? Try not to lose your virginity under those circumstances. I mean, you cut out women, and you cut out teasing, and shelling out cash for expensive dinners, and the nagging.

Elemental Orel [2.04][edit]

Doughy: Wow, Orel, you're the best detective ever!
Orel: No, Doughy, the best detective of all was King Solomon. He cleverly deduced that a mother never wants her baby cut in half
Doughy: Oh yeah, that was some caper!

Baby: Mommy, Marietta’s crying. Mommy? Mommy!
Bloberta: We don’t yell in this house, dear, that’s for Italians
Man: Bloberta, where is my tie?
Bloberta: Wherever you put it, dear
Man: Aaaaah! Stinking dead-end wife!
Orel: Gosh, my mom’s treating those people like they’re her family
Doughy: I don’t know, Orel. It looks she’s just ignoring them and fed up and not happy at all to be here
Orel: Exact…ly…
Doughy: Uh…I think I’m gonna go home
Orel: Bye, Doughy…

Doughy: Hey, Orel, what did you get for number 7 on the anatomy test?
Orel: Evil
Doughy: Oh, of course!

Bloberta: [Whilst scrubbing the floor] Bad dirt. Naughty, naughty dirt

Orel: Reverend Putty, I can find out who stole that money for you.
Doughy: For that nickel.
Reverend Putty: Fine, have it. I guess I'm gonna have to rely on the ol' personality tonight.

Doughy: Hi 'ya Joe. How much did you put in the tray this week?
Joe: Nothin'. I don't have any stupid money. (Joe walks away; looks at the tray and smirks)
Orel: Poor kid.

Joe: [Carrying donation tray] Stupid walking around on my dumb feet!

Reverend Putty: Are you telling me that this is it? A nickel?
Joe: Um, well, somebody stole the money.
Reverend Putty: Stole?! But my whole sermon was abou-- Doesn't anyobdy lis-- That's God's money! I was counting on some getting lucky cash for tonight.

Offensiveness [2.05][edit]

Orel: Your birthday? Why didn't you say anything, Miss Censordoll?
Miss Censordoll: I prefer not to annually celebrate the emergence of my unclad body through such an unsavory passage as my mothers womb

Orel: Hot dog, picket signs!
Miss Censordoll: There’s a special Saturday screening of “The Greatest Story Ever Told”
Orel: That’s not a dirty movie
Miss Censordoll: They all are, Orel, if you find a way to look at them just right…
Orel: But, it’s about the life of our Lord. It can’t be that bad
Miss Censordoll: Then let’s let God be the judge of that, shall we?

[Censordoll twitches uncontrollably and writes “MOVIE TOO LONG AND BORING, DISTRACTS AUDIENCE INTO WHORING!” onto the blank picket sign]

Miss Censordoll: Of course! That God, even he makes me feel inferior

Miss Censordoll: We shouldn't tolerate evil just because it's convenient

Orel: What'cha doing, Farmer Phoney-Crops?
Phoney-Crops: Just gettin' ahead on labellin' these plums, Orel
Orel: Neat! I didn't know that was part of a farmer's job
Phoney-Crops: Son, brand-namin' is more important than waterin'!

God's Blunders [2.06][edit]

Doughy: Is sin radioactive?
Rev. Putty: Yes. That's why it's dangerous to get it near your groin.
Doughy: Yikes!

Orel: Mom, God is perfect, right?
Bloberta: Yes. He's the most handsome, understanding and...satisfying man a woman could ever ask for.

Clay: God makes two types of mistakes. The first kind is called "a miracle". You know, like bleeding statues, burning bushes, earthquakes and hurricanes that destroy disgusting foreign cultures? Those are all good mistakes that back up our faith in positive ways. And then there are His not so good mistakes. Traffic jams, the common cold and the mentally retarded. Those are called "God's blunders"

Principal Fakey: Quite frankly, Mr and Mrs Littler; your son, Tommy, scored very low on his IQ test
Mr Littler: I don't understand, he's always studying
Principal Fakey: Studying never helps in IQ tests. That's why they're the perfect measurement for how stupid he is

Pleasure [2.07][edit]

[Orel had another wet dream about God spanking him and decided to go talk to his dad about it]
Clay: You've been having whats? About who!? Doing WHAT!? I think you know what this means, young man!
(holds up his belt threateningly, and Orel gives an aroused grin. Seeing this, Clay puts his belt back down)
Clay: Just... just meet me in my study.

Reverend Putty: Now this is not to say that the pious life is completely devoid of joy. Oh, there’s lot of great stuff! There’s platonic friendship, nice weather, the thrill of a good night’s sleep....uh....just to name a few.

Orel: I’m sure finding it hard trying to avoid all of the devils pleasure traps
Clay: Ah, don’t worry, son. When you get older and have a family, you’ll find that leading a virtuous and pleasure-free life comes as easy as waking up in the morning
Bloberta: Clay, I’m setting your couch alarm so you’re not late for work again tomorrow!
Clay: Fine! Okay, it’s a lot easier than waking up in the morning

Orel: But how do I stop from enjoying other things so much?
Clay: Oh son, you're still young, you'll naturally grow out of seeing the bright side of things
Orel: Okay
Clay: Believe me, it'll happen soon enough, and let me tell ya, it's pretty great!
Orel: Huh?
Clay: Just kidding.........

The Lord's Prayer [2.08][edit]

Bloberta: How do I look?
Clay: [Very bluntly] Like you always do.

Orel: Why'd they have to leave, dad?
Clay: Because they don't believe in God the right way. We simply can't mix with their kind, it's dangerous.
Orel: But I like Christina
Clay: Well, why not try being afraid of her instead?

Bloberta: Welcome to Moralton
Poppet Posabule: What a lovely home. May I see your detergents?
Bloberta: I thought you’d never ask!

[At the table, Orel is looking at Christina]
Clay: Say, she's kinda cute, eh, son?
Orel: She sure is! And Christina's such a nice name
Clay: Of course! That's because of what it means. It means "Tiny, little, female Christ"

Clay: In this cold, cynical, free-thinking, lonely world you’ve made, it’s somewhat expected when new friendships are welcomed with open hearts.

[The Puppington Family are having new neighbors, the Posubules, for dinner, and they're all saying grace.]
Everyone: Our Father, who/which art... [Everyone stops, slightly confused, then resumes] ...in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses/debts... [everyone stops again, more conscious, and then continue cautiously forward] ...as we forgive those who trespass/our debtors...
Clay: Debtors?!
Art Posubule: Trespassers?!
Both: What are you, nuts?! Get out!/Let's go!
Bloberta and Poppet Posubule: Well, you think you know someone!
Art: Get up, kids. I can't believe you would expose my children to this without my consent!
Clay: Your children? What about my kid, he's only nine!
Orel: Twelve.
Bloberta: Please, just leave!
Poppet: Gladly!
Clay: You don't even understand what the Lord's Prayer means!
Art: How dare you!? Forgive your debtors!
Clay: Forgive your trespassers!
Art: You owe me a bottle of wine!
Clay: GET OFF MY PROPERTY!! (Slams the door)

[After what happened at dinner with the Posabules]
Bloberta: I feel sorry for them. Don't they want to go to heaven?
Clay: People like them never do.

Holy Visage [2.09][edit]

Nurse Bendy has put Dr. Chosenberg to sleep and he is shown smiling
Orel: Hey, he's looking better already
Dr. Potterswheel: Sure! In the hospital business, Orel, you'll find that all patients really need is to shut up.

Clay: Orel, I thought you were gonna pull some strings
Orel: Dad, what do you do when something you want is good but also kind of bad?
Clay: Aaaaah, glad you asked, son. Whenever I do something that I'm not comfortable with, I simply trick or "fool" myself into thinking it's right
Orel: But isn't that hypocritical?
Clay: Hmmm...some may call it that. I just like to call it "lying to yourself"
Orel: "Lying to yourself?"
Clay: You betcha! One of the best survival tactics I know, kid

Miss Sculptham: The crusades took place during the Dark Ages, which was a very pious and righteous time in our history. Doughy?
Doughy: But the Dark Ages sound scary.
Miss Sculptham: Well, it they're not. "Dark" in this case, means something more like "shade" and "shelter." To be in a cool, dark place away from the oppressive heat of blinding enlightenment.

Him: So what did they end up getting back from the Crusades?
Miss Sculptham: Well, as you can see, many of the artifacts are here behind this glass. We have the Holy Grail, a porthole from Noah's Ark, and the skeleton of the baby Jesus. All of these, of course, can be purchased in the museum gift shop.

Be Fruitful and Multiply [2.10][edit]

Mr Figgurelli: Hi, Orel, what can I do for you?
Orel: Hi, Mr Figgurelli, my dad needs a new belt
Mr Figgurelli: Wore the new one out already, huh?
Orel: Yeah...learning is hard sometimes

Rev. Putty: (praying) Lord, Putty here. Reverend Putty, for what that's worth. I don't know what the deal is with you, but I do and do and do for you, and all I ask is one measly thing in return! Seriously, is a lady really that difficult to conjure up? I mean, you make trees for a living. And I'm saying it could be any lady! Any size, any shape, any colo— I mean, any weight. The point is, I'm not picky. Amen.

Orel: There's just so many ways not to be lonely. There are family, friends, faith... Hey, those are all "F" words. I wonder if there are other ways not to be lonely that also start with "F".
Rev. Putty: (after long pause) Think of any yet?
Orel: Nope.
Rev. Putty: Holy Moley! You are pure pureness in its purest form. It's almost irritating.

Orel: I think that as long as you have at least one of those "F" words in your life, you can't be lonely. For you see, a lot of the problems starts when people get too greedy and want all of the "F" words, and don't appreciate the ones that they have. Then they're just making their live miserable...and who ever heard of somebody actually wanting to make his life miserable. Amen.

Rev. Putty: Let's just cut the reverend stuff, okay?
Stephanie: What would you prefer? Pastor? Minister? Brother? Rod?
Rev. Putty: How about Father?
Stephanie: Sounds a little too Catholic, doesn't it?
Rev. Putty: You're right. Better make it Dad.

Praying [2.11][edit]

Principal Fakey: Well, hello, Nurse Bendy! I have a special student with me that I'd like you to check for lice [Begins laughing and unzipping his pants until hearing the door opening, zips his pants back up and turns his attention to Orel]

Principal Fakey: Orel, I think you know who makes the rules for praying
Orel: Oh, of course [Looks up into the sky]
Principal Fakey: Yes, a bunch of random guys.

Buddha: Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle and the life of that candle will not be shortened

Principal Fakey: You're our ringer, Orel, remember that. Not to put the pressure on you, but to put all of the pressures completely on your head.

Clay: Orel, are you crazy?! You can't just use a Godless religion to worship in our faith. A faith which is absolutely littered with God and Jesus?
Orel: But, dad, it didn't feel bad
Clay: Well, it is. Buddhism is a communist cult that allows just about any random practice under the sun. Here in the land of the free, we are lucky enough to have restrictions. Those restrictions are called "dogma"
Orel: Dogma?
Clay: Cute word! "Dogma!" Kinda makes you wanna throw it a bone, doesn't it? [Chuckles]
Orel: But...
Clay: [Serious] Orel, throw dogma a bone. Pray correctly.
Orel: But, I just don't understand why it feels–
Clay: Well, I'm not taking questions right now... but my belt is
Orel: Nevermind.

Repression [2.12][edit]

Reverend Putty: Uh, look, just try not to think about it. Not a sight out of mind
Principal Fakey: That is easy to say
Reverend Putty: You can do it. Distract yourself. Giver your wife a baby, that'll make you feel like a good husband. Just pretend.

Principal Fakey: Reverend, please! I didn't come to the repressional to talk about my sins!

Principal Fakey: Please, Reverend, I’m at my wit’s end!
Reverend Putty: Look, either stop bragging or come through with some juicy details
Principal Fakey: Reverend Putty, this guilt is overwhelming me!
Reverend Putty: Gee, I wonder why. You have both a wife AND a mistress. Most people have either or. And some have none!
Principal Fakey: Please, can I come in?!
Reverend Putty: Why should I help you repress your guilt? What do I get out of lying to yourself? I’ll tell you what: you moving in every other single woman in Moralton, that’s what! Leaving me with nothing…

[Block Posabule comes running into the study and smashes some glasses]
Block: Yay! Break!
Clay: Orel! Look what you let in [Hits Block with a fly-squatter] Skat Shapey! Shoo shoo!
Orel: Dad, that's not Shap--
Clay: What's up son?

Turn the Other Cheek [2.13][edit]

Turn the Other Cheek (Original)
You’ve got to turn the other cheek; turn the other cheek.
Show the world how strong you are by simply acting weak.
Inherit all the world someday ‘cuz you will be so meek.
Show them just how meek when you turn the other cheek
Turn the Other Cheek (revised)
You’ve got to make them turn the other cheek; make them turn the other cheek.
Any time anyone makes a fist you punch ‘em in the beak.
It just becomes a reflex ‘cuz there is no time to think.
Stop violence while you reap righteous havoc on their cheek.
Then they’ll turn the other cheek; they’ll turn the other cheek.
They’ll learn about the Bible with your whole new violent streak.
It's the one-two punch that teaches them that they should keep it meek.
They’ll be up Heaven’s Creek when they turn their other cheek.

Clay: Orel, you know you shouldn't upset your mother by coming home with dirty clothes, because then, your mother talks to your father, and no-one wants that

Bloberta: Just look at Orel's shirt. It's the fourth time this week, Clay, it's getting worrysome
[Clay does not respond]
Bloberta: I can't be doing laundry everyday!
[Clay, again, does not respond]
Bloberta: I'll have to double my detergent budget
Clay: What? This is serious!

Clay: Ah yes "turn the other cheek" the war cry of the fraidy-cats. Orel, the phrase "turn the other cheek" has been misused ever since violence became out of style.
Orel: It has?
Clay: Sure, that saying should only be used if someone insults you or jokes about your wife, then you should just grin and bare it even laugh if it's funny.

Clay: (as Orel undoes his pants for a "lesson") Forget it, save it.
Orel: But...aren't you going to teach me a lesson?
Clay: No, I'm not.
Orel: So, what does this mean, you're giving up on me, Dad?
Clay: Orel, a father never gives up on his son, because then he's not really a father; and if I'm not a father, all I really am is a husband, and that's practically worthless.
Orel: Uh-huh.
Clay: Also, you did follow my advice, kiddo, so punishing you would be an admission of wrongness on my part, and believe you me, that ain't gonna happen.
Orel: So why did we even come in here?
Clay: Well, we had to cast what's called a smoke-screen.
Orel: A smoke-screen?
Clay: Yes, it's a valuable tool I use in order to give your mother the illusion that I'm actually doing my job as your father.
Orel: Neat! You're the best, Dad. I love you.
Clay: Sure do. Well, we got about one more minute in here.
(Orel and Clay just stand and sit there for just over a minute while the credits roll)

Geniuses [2.14][edit]

[After Mr Cartsen reads a ghost story]
Doughy: Orel, I think I just earned my scaredy badge

[While hiking, Orel and Doughy discover the "missing link" in a block of ice]
Orel: Wow look, it's the fictional missing link from the ghost book
Doughy: Say, that should take care of our coincidence badges!

Florence Papermouth: Ooo, look, it says faith, how fun for a cookie!
Reverend Putty: It's not a library, ma'am

[After the missing link causes a rampage at the church bake-sale]
Bloberta: Orel, this European man cannot be your friend; you know full well to not trust a foreigner.

Clay: Geniuses is the most simplistic way of disproving evolution while at the same time proving that a miracle of God's pure brainpower, He whipped up the universe in his heaven shaped laboratory hundreds of years ago
Orel: Wow
Clay: In fact, Geniuses is so simplistic that even the lowest form of life can understand it

Courtship [2.15][edit]

Orel: Gee, Doughy, your parents really do love you after all. They give you money and they don't ever want anything in return, not even you.

Doughy: Boy Orel, I sure do have a great life! Always getting to do what I want and never having to worry about getting germs from hugging my parents or anything

Doughy: If I get you all of these things, THEN can we go steady?
Miss Sculptham: Well, Doughy, if you get all these things plus other things, then that equals "maybe"

School Pageant [2.16][edit]

Intro Song
Einstein, Darwin, Edison, Alexander Graham Bell
Are all smarty pantses but the chance is they all burn in hell
Yes they're the devil's clientele
So...
Think with your heart put a mortar board on your aorta
Think with your heart and come graduate unto the lord-a
Think with your heart Jesus wouldn't ask for anything lesser
Think only with your heart he's our sweet savior not our college professor
Think only with your heart

Mr Christein: Crooning? What the mishegus is this 'crooning?'
Mrs Christein: It's like "canting", but without the no Jesus

Orel: Gosh, I just got to get that part, I was born to play Jesus.
Doughy: Gee, Orel who else would even be as half as good as you?

After hearing Junior Christein's beautiful, angelic singing
Dale Armature: Oh my god...I AM A GOOD WRITER!!!

Three weeks later...
Bloberta: I hate you Jesus,
Clay: You rotten little fink,
Officer Papermouth: Your sermon never pleases,
Doctor Potterswheel: And all your parables all stink,
Mr.Figgurelli: Your eyes and beaty nose is weird and goofy basket case,
Old Woman: I'd like to take that stupid beard and rip it off face!
Rev.Putty: Prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrony clod, you maybe someones daughter but you sure ain't the son of....
Everybody: [In church] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus, with your boring miracles, you smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up...shoved right up...shoved right up my nose!!
Orel: Wow! Everybody sure hates Jesus! Whoops...

Presents for God [2.17][edit]

Orel: I think there's something wrong with Reverend Putty
Doughy: Why? Is someone c-c-chasing him?

Doughy: I don't know about this, Orel. Everyone says that Sinville is where unclean people go to have filthy things done to their tarnished little dirties

Orel: Gee Doughy; I never dreamed that Christian men could be this good at doing God’s work
Doughy: I wonder why Christian women aren’t as enthusiastic
Orel: Well, saving souls is obviously a man’s job

[Around town, there is a big epidemic of syphillis, gonorrhea and other STDS, thanks to Orel's "soul-saving business"]
Bloberta: Well, I just don't know what's causing all these horrible diseases
Clay: [Reading a newspaper] it's a real mystery
[Clay removes the newspaper, revealing that he has gonorrhea on his cheek]
Clay: Say, I think I'll go and paint the...uh...lawn!

Orel: Dad, do you know any sinners?
Clay: Well, there's one guy who works with me at my dead-end job
Orel: How does he sin?
Clay: Every now and then, he forgets to capitalize God's name in legal documents

Orel: Hey, maybe I could become a heathen just long enough for Reverend Putty to come and save me! That'd make God happy
Clay: Sorry pal. Until your eighteen, your soul belongs to us

Orel's Movie Premiere [2.18][edit]

Daniel Stopframe: Nah, your better when you drink
Clay: Oh, Danielle, I missed your little face!

Orel: I don't know if many of you are familiar with the process of stop-motion animation
[The audience gasps in horror]

Doughy: [As a snake-like belt] come here, Orel, while your pulling your pants up from my spanking!
Doctor Potterswheel: Is this boy's dad molesting him?
Clay: What?!

Doughy:[As Clay] Hey there, Orel, you don't have to hurry. God doesn't mind if we show up drunk and or late to church

Joe: [As Clay] Hi, I'm Clay Puppington, and I'm drinking "stupid juice". And boy, does it work! Right, Jesus?
[As a Jesus figurine] Yeah, I'm Jesus, and I think you're stupid!

Orel: Gee, Joe completely changed the meaning of everything I wrote
Doughy: Gosh Orel, that's too bad
Orel: I guess some things get misinterpreted
Doughy: Like what?
Orel: Hmm...not sure [Scratches his head with the Bible]

Bloberta: Reverend, would you like a tuna-cone?
Reverend Putty: No thanks
Bloberta: Oh, but it's a fun hors-d'oeuvre
Reverend Putty: Not for me, it isn't
Bloberta: Oh come on, it's delicious!
Reverend Putty: Bloberta, I have one bite of that hors-d'oeuvre, and I guarantee you that I will get explosive diarrhea in 13 seconds!

Nature (Part 1) [2.19][edit]

[Clay has finished spanking Orel]
Clay: I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.
Orel: It sure has! I'm never gonna do that, with those, in there, for that long, ever again!
Clay: Good boy son, good boy...
[Pause]
Orel: Is that it?
Clay: Yup, you can go.
Orel: Oh, you're not going to lecture me some more.
Clay: Nah, gonna relax for a while.
Orel: Gee...
[Orel looks at the mounted deer on the wall above the fireplace, this grabs Clay's attention]
Clay: Orel, how would you like to go on father and son outing together?
Orel: Father and son, and how!

[On a Father/Son hunting trip, Clay has been drinking constantly, becoming more drunk as the day progresses, much to Orel's discomfort.]
Clay: He-Hey! They just keep on comin'!
Orel: W-W-What're you doing!?
Clay: Why, I'm gonna shoot that rabbit of course!
Orel: Dad, that's not a rabbit- it's someone's hunting dog!
Clay: Orel, hunting dogs are just... nature's rabbits. [Shoots the dog]

Orel: Dad, I'm hungry
Clay: This is all we got, son. What I killed and YOU didn't. You really want some of what you DIDN'T kill? I don't know if that's fair; but if you're really hungry, then come on, come on...
Orel: You didn't bring any other food?
Clay: Orel, we're absolutely surrounded by food. That walks right up to us just begging to be eaten!

[Later on in the hunting trip..]
Clay: (After a large swig of alcohol) I gotta tell you, Orel; your cup is always half empty. You need to be more like your old man and look at the blight side of things.
Orel: Blight?
Clay: I didn't say bright, I said blight. "My life is sunny and blight". Bright means the opposite, it means sudden withering death, and...(Suddenly despondent)...Oh, who am I kidding? My life is full of bright.
Orel: You mean blight?
Clay: Oh God...
Orel: What's the matter?
Clay: ...I hate myself...
[Orel's eyes tear up as Clay looks at the bottle he's holding.]
Clay: (Screaming) Why did you quit working on me?! She always fools me, Orel. "I'll make things better dear. Drink me. Put me inside you, I'm great!" And she chokes me just like every other whore out there! They're all worthless, kid. Every woman. Don't let 'em get ya. All of 'em wanna get ya. They just grab you and pull you into them! And then you're forced to stay in and pull out and stay in and pull out! And then they gut ya. And then they've got ya by the part where it counts. And then they start squeezing things out! Things that are like weights around your head! You sit there for the rest of your life, with nowhere to go and no one to be!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
[Orel, terrified at this rant, accidentally discharges his gun.]
Orel: Dad!

Nature (Part 2) [2.20][edit]

Clay: You have done nothing but whine and complain like a lady in a flowery, sissy skirt and attractive high heels about my drinking since we got here!
Orel: (Half crying) It's because you become a bad person when you drink!!

Orel: Dad! Are you okay?
Clay: Am I okay?! You have shot one thing this whole trip-- count 'em: one thing, and it's two of my last bottles of liquor!!!

Clay: Okay... It's time you became a man! Where's my rifle?
Orel: I-I-I don't think...
Clay: There it is! (grabs his rifle and starts aiming it around)
Orel: (trembling) Dad! W-Watch out!
Clay: Please, Orel. I know exactly what I'm doing.
Orel: Yeah, but you might shoot it off by mistake!
Clay: There aren't any mistakes either. No mistakes, no accidents, no flop-ups, no boner.
Orel: But...
Clay: DON'T "BUT" ME! (pulls the trigger, shooting Orel in the leg)

Clay: Orel! What have you done?!
Orel: I got shot...by you
Clay: You sure did! You gotta learn to be more careful, son

[Clay has just shot Orel, and drank all of his rubbing alcohol]
Orel: I hate you.
Clay: [utterly flippant] Hate away, sister. Hate away.

[Clay finally wakes up after sleeping off all of the alcohol he drank the previous day; it's in the late afternoon]
Clay: [cheerfully] Mornin'!
Orel: Morning was 13 hours ago.
Clay: Missed the roosters, eh? High time for some breakfast!
Orel: I wanna go home
Clay: Why? What happened?
Orel: You shot me in the leg.
Clay: No I didn't.
Orel: Look.
Clay: Oh. I don't remember that. So that means it's not my fault!

Orel: Mom, why did you marry Dad?
Bloberta: Why? Well, men have to marry women. Otherwise if men married men and women married women, we'd all give birth to nothing but fairysexuals.
Orel: But why did you marry Dad?
Bloberta: Oh, well...why not?
Orel: Well, it's just that, when he drinks, he changes...
Bloberta: Oh, he doesn't change, Orel. That's just his true nature coming out. (Leaves the room)
Orel: Huh. "Nature"...

Season 3[edit]

Numb [3.01][edit]

After trying to get Shapey back from the Posabule family, Bloberta has ended up with both Shapey and Block, who bond quickly.
Shapey and Block: Mine!
Shapey: Cake?
Block: Cake!
Shapey: Yummy?
Block: Yummy!
Shapey: Mine?
Both: Mine! [They laugh happilly]

Rev. Putty: Bloberta! What brings you...
Bloberta: Reverend, I want you.
Rev. Putty: I... uh... I'm sorry?
Bloberta: I need you. I have this feeling.
Rev. Putty: Oh, well, uh... Meet me at the church repressional.
Bloberta: No! I want to be with you! I want your mind, your body. I want to get close to you in anyway. Touch you, anywhere. I'm yours, all yours!
Rev. Putty: AAAAHHHH!!! (ejaculates in his pants and falls on his knees) I'm done.
Bloberta: What?
Rev. Putty: I'm done! Go away! Go a million miles away! (slams the door)

[phone rings in Nohammer's Hardware]
Don Nohammer: Nohammer's Hardware? [bothered] Yes, we have hammers! [slaps his head in frustration] No, it's just my name!

Grounded [3.02][edit]

FOUR WEEKS BEFORE THE HUNTING TRIP...
Bloberta: Good afternoon.
Clay: Oh, yeah? What's so afternoon about it?
Bloberta: Well, it's 4:30 P.M. What kind of an example is that for your son?
Clay: Don't worry about Orel, he's fine! A chip off the 'ol block, out of my flesh and...
[Clay opens the door to the bathroom to find Orel bathing in the blood of his friends, who are standing around with knives and other sharp things.]
Clay: ...blood...?
Orel: Oh, hi, dad. Pretty great, huh?

[On day one of being grounded from church, everyone is ready for church; Orel is sitting on the couch in his Sunday suit]
Clay:What are you dressed up for? Got a big date or something?
Orel: I thought maybe you'd have a change of heart.
Clay: Change of heart!? Orel, change is only for hippies and underwear.

Clay: Nighty-night Orel. All us well behaved little boys like me and Shapey and your mom have to get up early for church tomorrow.

Doctor Potterswheel: Its not healthy to be dead that long

Doughy: Oh boy, I hope I don't get caught in the rainstorm! I sure wish God would use his tricky magic and make church come to me for once
[Orel, dressed in a cardboard church he has made, bumps into Doughy]
Doughy: Hooray! My wish has been miracle-ized! [See's Orel's head pop out of the cardboard church] Oh, it's you, Orel; I thought you were a church
Orel: I am a Church!

[Orel opens his eyes after dying for the third time]
Nurse Bendy: Well, at least his eyes are alive.

[Clay has finished spanking Orel, causing Orel to forget his enlightenment]
Clay: I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.
Orel: It sure has! I'm never gonna do that [Shocking his heart], with those [Defibrillator pads], in there [The Hospital], for that long, ever again!
Clay: Good boy, son...good boy...
[Pause]
Clay: Orel, how would you like to go on a father-and-son outing together?
Orel: Father and son; and how!

[After Orel's second death]
Clay: Orel, these near-death experiences are getting a little tiresome...and expensive. Now, I don't want to have to sign another one of your death certificates!

[After Orel wakes up for the first time]
Doctor Potterswheel: It's a miracle!
Clay: A miracle? So it's free?
Doctor Potterswheel: Well, gauze is expensive.
Clay: Knew it...

Innocence [3.03][edit]

Clay: Wait a minute! you're asking me to take responsibility for what Orel does?
Rev. Putty: I know it's a tall order.
Clay: 90% of the time, I'm not even responsible for my own action!
Principal Fakey: What if you quit drinking?
Clay: (mockingly) Yeah, what if?

Four weeks and one day ago...
Bloberta: I hate you Jesus,
Clay: You rotten little fink,
Officer Papermouth: Your sermon never pleases,
Doctor Potterswheel: And all your parables all stink,
Mr.Figgurelli: Your eyes and beaty nose is weird and goofy basket case,
Old Woman: I'd like to take that stupid beard and rip it off face!
Rev.Putty: Prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrony clod, you maybe someones daughter but you sure ain't the son of....
Everybody: [In church] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus, with your boring miracles, you smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up...shoved right up...shoved right up my nose!!
Orel: Wow! Everybody sure hates Jesus! Whoops...

Miss Sculptham: Yes, everyone is innocent until they reach the seductively dangerous age of eighteen or over

Miss Sculptham: Look, I teach school, which has nothing to do with life, so don't pin this on me!

(After being told about "the children's crusade")
Orel: Did the children's crusade really work?
Miss Sculptham: of course they probably did, how dare you question things when I don't!

Bloberta: Good afternoon.
Clay: Oh, yeah? What's so afternoon about it?
Bloberta: Well, it's 4:30 P.M. What kind of an example is that for your son?
Clay: Don't worry about Orel, he's fine! A chip off the 'ol block, out of my flesh and...
[Clay opens the door to the bathroom to find Orel bathing in the blood of his friends, who are standing around with knives and other sharp things.]
Clay: ...blood...?
Orel: Oh, hi, dad. Pretty great, huh?

Alone [3.04][edit]

Reverend Putty: Do you know what babies mean to God? That's right: job security

Miss Censordoll: I am not "Holier-than-thou", Mother. But I am Holier than you.

Nurse Bendy: Firstly, we must all pray for grace! Dear Lord in Godland, bless this mess of delicious food and thank you kindly for keeping our joyous family together under this one love-filled roof! We all need people who aren't mean to me or that don't act like they care about doing dirty, awful things to you. [becoming more despondent with each sentence] We need family because they care that I'm a real person who has thoughts of sadness, sometimes, along with happy thoughts or scared or aloneness thoughts. I feel thoughts of emotions and I need people to know that. So, thank you for keeping this family in good... shape. [suddenly cheerful again] The end for now, while we eat, signed, my family. [wipes a tear from her eye] Wow. My eye is really sweating up a storm here.

Some of the paper clippings on Ms. Sculptham's mirror:
"FORCEFUL ADULTERER PROWLS MORALTON"
"TOWN UNCOMFORTABLE WITH RAMPANT SEX CRIMES, 'Talking about this may be inevitable...' "
"RUDOLPH VIOLEN-TINO STRIKES AGAIN! 36 year old housewife: "He forced me into my first orgasm!"
"MORALTON PAPERS FORCED TO PRINT THE WORD 'RAPE!!!', 'We can't ignore this story anymore...' "
"TRESPASS-ENOVA!!!"
HUSBANDS FINALLY FED UP WITH RAPES! "The little woman just hasn't been herself lately"
VICTIMS SHARE COMMON CHARACTERISTICS: All Had Their Doors Unlocked
"DON('T) JUAN STILL ON THE PROWL!, Irked husband: "I don't even do that with my spouse!"
"SERIAL RAPIST IS ON THE LOOSE! This time it's not Orel"

(On the radio, during the ending credits)
Rev. Putty: Amen...OK, I'm outta here.
Man: No. Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Rev. Putty: What? I said "Amen". Don't you listen?
Man: You have a half a minute to fill here.
Rev. Putty: Look, I already said "Amen". That means "the end" in Bible jabber.
Man: You're scheduled to the top of the hour.
Rev. Putty: Boo-hoo. When I'm done, I'm done.
Man: It was too short.
Rev. Putty: You're too short.
Man: Hey, come on.
Rev. Putty: What's the matter--kidney problems? How's the weather down there?
Man: Same as--
Rev. Putty: Hey, don't you midgets (In a squeaky voice) usually sound like you inhaled helium?
Man: All right, look. I don't have--
Rev. Putty: Oh, sorry. You shrimps prefer "little people", don't you?
Man: Is this because you're bald? Is that it?
Rev. Putty: (angrily) I have hair on the sides!
Man: OK. Time's up. Thanks for filling.
Rev. Putty: I'm gonna kill you!

Trigger [3.05][edit]

Orel: Where did you learn to shoot like that, Doughy?
Doughy: I don't know. I guess you juts have to act like nobody cares; like, nothing you ever do really means anything to anybody. You know, like you're totally invisible

Doughy: Hey, sheriff? You want me to stay here to make sure that Orel doesn't goof anything up? Or maybe you can take me on the hunting trip with you, sheriff.
Clay: Oh ho ho, Doughy. That was just a ploy to get Orel to shoot better. Why, you could be Lee Harvey Oswald and I still wouldn't bring you on that trip with me.

Dumb [3.06][edit]

Joe: Hey Orel, where are you going tagging along with your dad like a goofy-two-shoes?
Orel: My dad's taking me hunting
Joe: Cool! I love killing things! It's funny!
Orel: Yeah...
Joe: You should try shooting animals right in the legs, that way, It'll be easier to punch them to death!

Joe: Um...are you my mom?
Nurse Bendy: What? Who told you that?
Joe: Some dummy...
Nurse Bendy: How can I be your mom? I've never even hit you!

Help [3.07][edit]

Orel: Mom, why did you marry dad?
Bloberta: Oh wellll... Why not?

Miss Censordoll: Come along, girls; we have a protest to launch! Remember: "Satan starts a-cryin' when you use a clever rhyme"
Bloberta: Um...I didn't get a sign, Fran
Miss Censordoll: You know the rule, Bloberta: "Last one to spurn, first one to burn". It appears we won't be needing your services today
Bloberta: But I want to spurn! How about i think up of some slogans for the rally? I can be a clever one!
Miss Censordoll: Hmmm...fine. Finish this one: "Unbridled free thinking leads to...?"
Bloberta: Free thinking...free thinking...free thinking? This that even a word?
Miss Censordoll: Two words; some call it a phrase

Mrs Hymentact: Modella, I'm surprised at you
Modella Hymentact: It wasn't I, mother
Mrs Hymentact: Well, it certainly wasn't our dear, little Lunchbox here
Bloberta: Mom, that was me singing...along with the family
Mrs Hymentact: Really, Bloberta; you know we don't need two sopranos, and your older sister has perfect pitch
Bloberta: I know
Raymond Hymentact: Oh please, nobody's per--
Mrs Hymentact: RAYMOND!!!
Raymond Hymentact: I'll shut up!

Passing [3.08][edit]

Arthur: Now can you please pass me the ketchup that you killed your mother with?

Paramedic 1: I'm sorry, Mr Puppington, cardiac arrest
Paramedic 2: She was in heaven before we got here
Arthur: No...there is no heaven... [Clay hugs him, crying] I don't need anymore of your leftovers
Clay: You'll go to hell for saying there's no heaven
[Arthur raises his arm to slap him, but stops]
Arthur: You're not even worth it
Clay: Not worth it?

[Young Clay and Arthur are at Angela's funeral. Everyone except Arthur says "Amen."]
Clay: You really should say "amen" at your own wife's funeral. [Arthur slaps him.]
[They are now at Angela's grave and Arthur hangs a wreathe of flowers on the cross]
Clay: My mom wouldn't want you to cover her cross with flowers. [Arthur slaps him]

Angela: Only God could explain why you stayed here with me, and your brothers and sisters didn't. It must have been all that praying I did during the pregnancy with you. Do you know I didn't even smoke? Imagine being that preoccupied that you forget to even light up a cigarette every once in a while. My stomach was tied in such knots, and...I was so steeped in all my prayers that I couldn't even force down a highball. I mean, if it wasn't for food, I would've wasted away to nothing; and of course, through everything that was going on through my mind, I never had time to horseback ride or go on a roller coaster. And that trampoline out back, that practically went to waste. With all that lack of exercise, it's a wonder you were ever born at all.
Clay: Mom, do you mean to tell me that you are telling me that I'm not your precious only ever?
Angela: Well, you're my precious only living ever. By default
Clay: You lied to me!
Angela: No!
Clay: You lied to me, mommy! I am not gonna be your precious only living ever anymore!
Angela: No, Clarence! I mean, Clay, wait!

Closeface [3.09][edit]

Closeface
There's a blurry girl at the end of my nose
Her name is Closeface
And when she backs away, I don't know where she goes
That crazy Closeface
She's really different, but she's kind of like you
But her eyes are bigger and there's not always two
If it ever was not Closeface, I would be so scared
There's a dirty girl and she whispers to me.
Closeface, where is that Closeface
I don't know how much she weighs, but she's as big as I can see
Closeface, got to be Closeface
I think she thinks that I'm a perfect match
Cause I'm just her type when we are attached
And when she backs away, you are always right there

[Orel is trying to find a date to the Arms-Length Dance]
Orel: You see, I think Stephanie's kind of lost because she never had anyone special to take to the Arm’s Length Dance; and as far as I can see, bringing someone special to that is important to her happiness and maybe even mine.
[Block enters the room and starts annoying Orel.]
Orel: Knock it off Shapey- I mean Block- Block?! [gasps] Christina! Of course! There is someone special in my life! But, I'm not supposed to like her, because she's different. Unless, you don't mind? Please give me a sign, would you mind if--
Block: No!
Orel: Wow! Of all the things he could have said!

Rev. Putty: Hiya, kiddo.
Stephanie: Dad! Hey. Shouldn't you be in there thwarting sexual encounters?
Rev. Putty: Nah, I'm tired of being that guy.
Stephanie: Good. I wouldn't want you to do to Orel what you did to us.
Rev. Putty: Us? Us who?
Stephanie: You know, me and my date, all those years ago?
Rev. Putty: Well, I don't remember. It mustn't have been anything too shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Stephanie: Sounds like you got a leak there, Reverend.
Rev. Putty: You!
Stephanie: Ah, you remember! Well don't worry, nothing came of it. I just hope Orel has better luck with love than I do.
Rev. Putty: Are you kidding? You can't compare you and her to Orel and his little Orellette.
Stephanie: Why, because we're two girls, and Tolerance is only a pretend theme?
Rev. Putty: No. Because she didn't care for you.
Stephanie: ...wow. You remember it better than I do.
Rev. Putty: Yeah, I remember. When you've had my track record with love that stuff hits you like a ton of bricks. I felt bad for ya. But, if you keep playing that song, we might both get lucky tonight.

Sundays [3.10][edit]

Dotty: Florence, pull yourself together; it's embarrassing enough to be your friend!
Florence: Dottie...we are not friends.

Dotty: I just don't know where I put it all. Do you?
Florence: No, I don't know where you put it all.
Dotty: I meant you. Where do you put it?
Florence: Yes...I know where I...put it all...

Florence: These are my zebras.
Rev. Putty: Oh, boy...
Florence: Do you like them?
Rev. Putty: Uh, Florence...
Florence: I've been collecting them since I was seven.
Rev. Putty: That's sad-- I mean nice.

Rev. Putty: [Having sex with Florence] Oh god, oh god, oh god-- Dotty!! Oh, god, what have I done?
Florence: It's okay, I understand.
Rev. Putty: No, that's not what I'm talking about...

Dotty: It’s so dark in here, and cold. Oh well, I’ll just go and get myself another husband. Oh god, this is so humiliating.
Florence: No!
Dotty: Please, Florence. You left Roger, not the other way around. You got to do the humiliating, I didn't.

Sacrifice [3.11][edit]

Rev. Putty: Well, if you remember last week's sermon, I ended it with a little cliffhanger: What was in the tomb when Mary Magdalene and company checked it out? Well, here's the answer: nothing. Nothing was in the tomb. Now, usually, nothing is a down. One big goose egg. Well, this time the goose laid a golden egg, people. Nothing meant "hope" for everyone. So the next time you look and see nothing, have a little hope for me. Amen.

Clay: [Banging on the window] Come on!
Dolly: Hi, Clay.
Clay: What is it? A holiday, Dolly?
Dolly: Easter good enough for you?
Clay: Oh... Right...

Clay: Don't look at me like that. I'm very responsible.
Dolly: Usually.
Clay: Dolly, if I go to work, today...I'm gonna kill someone.

Dolly: Well, I guess when you have a family, that's the sacrifice you make.
Clay': Sacrifice! Exactly! I sacrificed. The ultimate sacrifice: my happiness for my kids! You bet I did! You bet I did. And I do it again, too! I'd do over and over again! That's my life! Over, and over, and over, and over, and over...
Dolly: Okay, Clay. I get the point.
Clay: NO. YOU. DON'T! And over, and over, and over, and over, and over...

Dolly: Well, the reverend sacrificing is very fitting on a day like today.
Clay: Oh, really? Why especially today, Albert Vaginastein?
Dolly: Easter! The reverend sacrificing like the Lord has sacrificed.

Clay: Golly, imagine the loser Florence is getting sloppy with.
Officer Papermouth: You better stop that!
Rev. Putty: Yeah, that's no way to talk about a guy you don't even know!
Officer Papermouth: Well, I don't care about the guy...
Rev. Putty: No, uh, I mean, it's insulting to you.
Officer Papermouth: And Florence.
Putty: Yes, and you! You're a handsome man. I'm sure the fellow who sleeps with Florence is at least as handsome, if not more.
Officer Papermouth: ...Um...Yeah...
Clay: Well, I think Jesus would say you're both nuts. This guy is probably some hard-luck sap that feeds off female desperation as much as he's desperate himself. (He is referring to Putty, but Papermouth doesn't know that)

Clay: Well, well, well, Dr. Quentin Xavier Potterswheel!
Potterswheel: Clay.
Clay: Hey, Doc, we were just talking about ex-wives.
Potterswheel: Uh, I'm a widower.
Clay: Oh, right, right. Must be nice to lose a wife to sickness and death instead of her just plain ol' getting sick of you.
Potterswheel: No... Not so nice, especially when you're a doctor.
Clay: She just loved those painkillers! Probably didn't even realize she was infected, right Doc?
Potterswheel: She was... quite comfortable when she passed.
Clay: "Numb", some call it! Now, me and Jesus, we like to feel the pain. Tell me, doc. Did some of those painkillers protect her against you?
Potterswheel: What does that mean?
Clay: You know. The pain. Of you. Day in, day out, being there. With that face. Not knowing what to say. Not caring anymore. Not even knowing that you'll probably only care about her when it's finally too late. Forgetting about all those desperate- those desperate years you spent alone, your barren years when no woman would even consider resting her tired head on your shaky little shoulder. Stinking of belly semen. Why even wipe? And when you finally get one of these [Points at Dolly and imitates a fanfare] coveted pieces of tail that have been built up as the grand trophy in your nothing life, you try desperately to keep it. Not to protect it! But to hoard it. To keep it away from the other wolves and jackals circling your territory! And you realize, all too soon, that you're not good enough! That maybe there was a jerk-off called Darwin after all. And that you never acknowledged his existence because you knew deep inside that you were really what you feared you were-- weak. And passive. And ultimately, broken by the ones who were made the fittest. And that through your weaknesses, you built up a poison that poisoned others around you. [About to cry] That you love. And the only true justice was to let those dominant jackals feed on you. Survive off you.

[After everyone has left the bar]
Clay: With all you people as role models, no wonder my son is...sensitive...

Shapey: Mommy?
Bloberta: Not now, Shapey. No milk.
Shapey: When I'm thirsty, it feels how I feel when I'm alone.
Orel: Gosh. Things sure have changed around here.

Nesting [3.12][edit]

Clay: For you see, people don't always say what's on their minds.
Orel: They don't? That's silly.
Clay: Don't ever call it silly, son. Not saying what's on our mind is what this country is based on.

[Orel stands stoically in Clay's study. Clay stares blankly at Orel]
Clay: [Awkward] So, uh...how are...things...Orel?
Orel: [quick and blunt] I think we should get right to the lecture and punishment because I have a lot to do.
Clay: Whoa! Mister Busy!
Orel: You had six months to talk.
Clay: The last six months were not filled with you helping some mad woman campaign against me and my job!
Orel: You don't even like your job.
Clay: Like? Like?! No-one likes their job! Have you listened to anything I've ever said in here? Does this chair absorb my voice? Did all these dead animal heads eat my words before they reached your delicate little ears?!
Orel: Can I go now?
Clay: You know that thing that you do with your hands, and mouth, and throat, and stomach? That thing called "eating?" Well, say goodbye to that forever if I lose my position in this town because of you!
Orel: I will.
Clay: Okay!! [Normally] You can go.

Orel: People just don't say what's on their minds, dad.
Clay: Don't give me that, that's my line!
Orel: Well...guess it's true
Clay: Of course it's true! The mind is a scary, scary, scary thing!
Orel: Why?
Clay: Because somewhere, way down deep inside, in all it's twisted catacombs and dank, dark hallways, there lies an even scarier more monstrously, horrifying entity
Orel: W-w-w-w-what?
Clay: Truth.

Orel: Officer Papermouth, I think it's about time you started forcing people into not buying sinful, disgusting eggs.
Officer Papermouth: Sorry, Orel, but I can only employ police brutality when it's officially against the law.

Orel: Mister Mayor, I have a sugges-
Clay: Orel?
Orel: Dad?!
Clay: What are you doing here?
Orel: You're the mayor?
Clay: Yeah, don't remind me. Stinking dead-end job...

Clay: Reverend Moderator, citizens of Moralton, friends, I have been criticized quite intensely for the outlawing of our little gooey breakfast buddies. I have been called a calloused hunter by my esteemed opponent. Does hunting and death really pose such a horrible threat to this town? Death, dear friends, is the best thing ever! Death is the beginning of our everlasting life. The only eggs I smash are the eggs of filth, the inhuman eggs that squeeze with vile evil, through the tantalizingly moist passage of feminine foul temptation, [is now becoming more and more lustful] protruding from our mother, bit by bit, with wrongful, erotic succulence. Completely enveloped by that soiled, evil, maternal opening.

Honor [3.13][edit]

Orel: Coach?
Daniel Stopframe: [muttering] Great, his son.
Orel: Uh, can I ask you something?
Daniel Stopframe: Look, Orel. Just get out of- [sees Orel normally] Orel, What's wrong with your face?
Orel: Golly! Why?
Daniel Stopframe: It looks...just like you.
Orel: Oh, yeah. It's been like that for a while now.

Orel: Dad?
Clay: [To the stuffed bear] And another thing, growlie, always honor thy father. That Commandment wasn't even lost, so there's no excuse not to remember it.

Rev. Putty: [Playing solitaire] Aha! Beat you again, Nobody!

[Stopframe takes Orel's crutch and Orel gets onto the ice-rink]
Orel: Wow! you were right!
Daniel Stopframe: Hey, I never thought I was good with kids.
Orel: Well, you are a great school gym teacher.
Daniel Stopframe: Believe me, that job has nothing to do with being good with kids.

Orel: [seeing a picture of Clay and Stopframe] Coach, you like my dad the way my mom likes my dad, don't you?
Daniel Stopframe: Your mom likes your dad?
Orel: Oh, it's no use. There's nothing honorable about my father you can tell me about, because there's nothing honorable about him!
Daniel Stopframe: Orel, your father, somehow, in his own blundering way, made you. And that's honorable.

Clay: What are you doing here with my son?!
Orel: Stop!
Clay: The thought of you two together makes my skin crawl!
Orel: Please! All we were doing was...having a nice time. For the first Christmas in...I don't know how long. I felt relaxed and full of joy.
Clay: This...is...rape! You raped my son!
Bloberta: What?
Clay: With niceness, in order to get to me! Well, it worked, you got to me! Now you stay away from him! He's not yours, I am! [He stops, realizing what he's just said] I mean-- he's mine, my son! Oh, I miss you..., Orel. I need you in my life..., Orel. And I...I...I...love you.
Bloberta: [Bitterly] We should go.
Clay: I love you, I love you, I love you..., Orel.
Orel: Come on, dad, it's late
Clay: No! [He takes a step towards Stopframe, but cracks a picture of the two]
Daniel Stopframe: He's right. It's too late.

Rev. Putty: Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other, but every so often...a miracle happens. A loving family, just like that—out of nowhere. Now, what causes this? A belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows? Who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end. I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The end.

Lost Commandments[edit]

  • 11: Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.
  • 12: Thou shalt only have sex face-to-face, man on top.
  • 13: Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.
  • 14: Thou shalt always clean thy plate and not waste anything, whether thy stomach is full or not.
  • 18: Thou shalt be loyal to all thy friends at the same time.
  • 19: Thou shall not masturbate.
  • 21: Get it right!
  • 29: Everything's fine. ♫♩♫♬ (whistling)
  • 38: Thou shalt never hold a gun without anyone to shoot at.
  • 63: Thou shalt never forget thy loaded a gun when thou has an innocent child in the house.
  • [Not Numbered]: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
  • [Not Numbered]: Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Cast members[edit]

  • Carolyn Lawrence - Orel Puppington, Christina Posabule, Dolly Forghetti
  • Scott Adsit - Clay Puppington, Dr Potterswheel, Doughy Latchkey, Coach Stopframe (Season 3), Ms Censordoll (Season 3), Art Posabule, various
  • Britta Phillips - Bloberta Puppington, Agnes Sculptham, Stephanie Foamwire-Putty, Tommy Littler, Nurse Bendy, Florence Papermouth, Poppet Posabule, various
  • Jay Johnston - Coach Stopframe (Seasons 1 & 2), Ms Censordoll (Seasons 1 & 2), Principal Fakey, Officer Roger Papermouth (Seasons 1 & 2), Joe Secondopinionson, Sal Figurelli (Seasons 1 & 2), Carl Latchkey
  • William Salyers - Reverend Rod Putty
  • David Herman - Principal Fakey (Season 3), Officer Roger Papermouth (Season 3), Sal Figurelli (Season 3)
  • Tigger Stamatopoulos - Shapey Puppington, Block Posabule
  • Dino Stamatopoulos - Dale Armature, Cecil Creepler, Arthur Puppington, Raymond Hymentact
  • KK Dodds - Kim Latchkey, Dotty

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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