Moral Orel

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Moral Orel (2005 - 2008) is an animated show on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" segment, which centers around the life of Orel Puppington, a young boy who consistently fails in his attempts to understand and abide by Protestant Christian values.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] 1.01 The Lord's Greatest Gift

Orel: Gee, dad, I'm sorry I goofed up. I was just trying to be good, so you could love me more than you do now.
Clay: Oh, Orel. I could never love you more! People only have a certain amount of love in them, and I'm afraid I have to divide mine up between at least a dozen people.
Orel: Oh.
Clay: But remember son, I love you enough.
Orel: I love you enough, too, dad!
Orel: Behave Shapey, we're going to church!
Shapey: Shut up!
Orel: You know, Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today made me think
Doughy: But Orel, you know you're not supposed to think when it comes to God and faith!
In the cemetery:
Doughy: It's always so pretty; do you think it's because dead people make good fertilizer?
Orel: Wow, dad, you were right
Clay: Well, I guess that's why they call me dad...and not mom

[edit] 1.02 God's Chef

Doughy: Hey Orel, what did you put for number 3 on the science test?
Orel: Jesus.
Doughty: Of course!
Clicky is mopping up the bathroom; he hears low moaning sounds from Orel, who is in one of the stalls:
Clicky: Who's having trouble in there?
Orel: No trouble here, Clicky!
Clicky: That you, Orel?
Orel: Yes.
Clicky: You should eat more fruit.
Orel: Why?
Clicky: Helps you go number 2.
Orel: I'm not going number 2.
Clicky: Well, no-one should be grunting like that going number 1!
Orel: I'm not going number 1, either.
Clicky: Well, if you ain't goin' number 1 or number 2, what the hell number are you goin'?
Orel: Number 3!-
Clicky realizes this and walks into the stall:
Clicky: Jesus H. Rodriguez
Orel: So close...
Principal Fakey: Orel, do you know what happens to little boys who masturbate?
Orel: Well, not till a week ago, but now my whole world has opened up!
Principal Fakey: Orel... Some things are burned so deep into a person's subconscious, you forget just why they're there, you only know they scar you inside such a horrible personal way, they must be right.
Reverend Putty: Principal Fakey is right Orel. Regular murder is bad enough, but in one disgusting act you murdered millions of potential people.
Orel: Whoops...!
Reverend Putty: Whoops is right! It's a major sin, my boy.
Orel: But... I didn't know!
Reverend Putty: Haven't you heard the handy rhyme? "Number one, gold like God made the sun; number two, Good Lord help me go poo; number three, the Devil sets my sperm free."
Reverend Putty: Well, it's been bastardized over the years.
Orel: By who?
Reverend Putty: Bastards, Orel...fatherless bastards!
Reverend Putty: [Holds out a box of "Jeez-it, pre-blessed wafers"] Jeez-it?
Orel: No thanks, Reverend.
Reverend Putty: It's Catholic-free
Orel: Oh, okay![Takes a Jeez-it from the box]
Orel: Dad, how do you make babies?
[Clay walks over to his book-shelf and takes out a book entitled "The Fake Facts of Life, Ages 5-15" which contains childish and easy ways to tell children about the "baby-making" process]
Clay: How old are you, Orel? 9?
Orel: 11.
Clay: Hmm, 11. This is interesting. Now that you're 11, you can now know the real story. Babies are made by God's chef, visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injecting them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag.
Orel: Gods Chef?
Clay: All right here in the black and white.
Bloberta: Clean, cleaner, cleaner, cleaner, cleaner...
Shapy: [About to drink a bottle of drain cleaner] Yummy!
Bloberta: Shapey! [Takes the bottle of drain cleaner] No!
Shapy: Mine!
Bloberta: Not on your life, I have so little left! There, there, little one...

[edit] 1.03 Charity

Orel: This is jive!
Clay: Orel! I think you and I have a date...in my study!
Clay: Selling crack is a very lucrative business right now. People love it!
Clay: But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.
Orel: Slang?
Clay: Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.
Orel: I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.
Clay:: Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.

[edit] 1.04 Waste

Bloberta: Orel, that pig died for you to eat, not peck
Orel: Gosh, thanks for preparin' me for the future Dad, you're the best.
Clay: If I can make sure your ready for the dead-end bleakness of adulthood, then I've done my job.
Orel: I guess you could say this victory is bittersweet. Especially for everyone who's been drinking my special energy juice. You see, the sweet is that we won state. The bitter, is that you've all been drinking my urine.
Principal Fakey: This is the proudest day in Diorama Elementary history. Never has the elimination of the Arts from the budget been so triumphantly justified.
Clay: Your track coach, Mr. Stopframe, has just sent me a 12 page letter.
Orel: What does it say?
Clay: Oh... many many things. But here on page 7, he mentions you.
Orel: Oh, but why did he send you--
Clay: He says that you've been coming in with slower and slower times at practice.
Orel: What else does he write about Dad?
Clay: Well, that's all as far as you're concerned.
Orel: Gee, I didn't even know you've met Coach Stopframe.
Clay: I don't think I have. But your performance must have made a large enough impact on him so he would mention it offhandedly in the middle of this beautifully written letter.
(Clay then smells the pages of the letter)
Orel: It's only track, not church.
Clay: Only track? Young man, track is very important for your future. What happens when you grow up and need to sprint thirty meters to the unemployment office?
Orel: I never thought about it that way.
Clay: Kids your age seldom do. It's called "stupidity" and it's a very natural thing.

[edit] 1.06 Omnipresence

Clay: Son, imagine my disappointment when I got a call from the hospital, telling me you weren't sick or injured.
Bloberta:[With a can of aerosol spray] There, there, little one... [She sprays it in her face] Oh, you rascal!

[edit] 1.05 The Blessed Union

Orel: Miss Sculptham, I have a question
Agnes Sculptham: You heard the bell, Orel. No more learning today...
[In the study after Clay learns of Orel's piercing]
Clay: Orel, I want you to stay away from that person
Orel: But dad, she has such a warm attitude
Clay: "Warm attitude?" You kids today and your slang
Orel: But it's true, she's very pleasant
Clay: Son, she's only pleasant because she is different. When you're normal like the rest of us in Moralton, you have the luxury of being unpleasant

[edit] 1.07 God-Fearing

Orel: Gee, the Lord sure woks in mysterious ways!
Reverend Putty: He's not mysterious, Orel; he works in one way. Give him the opportunity...and he's gonna get ya!
Orel: Sorry to interrupt your dinner, Reverend
Reverend Putty: Company isn't an interruption, Orel. Just an occasional reminder of my involuntary solitude...

[edit] 1.08 Loyalty

[edit] 1.09 Maturity

Bloberta: Orel play nice with your little brother
Orel: Mom he was pointing the B.B. gun right at his eye.
Bloberta: Well you're the older one deal with it. And for goodness sake give him his toy back. The whole neighborhood's going to think I'm a bad mother.
Clay: Orel you know the rule. Don't upset your brother until your dad has had his first highball.
Clay: No buts young man. You need to behave more like an adult around here.
Orel: But I'm only twelve.
Clay: That's no excuse, why your own personal hero Jesus was very mature at your age.
Orel: He was?
Clay: Of course! At age twelve he was already proving the Jews wrong.
Clay: Excuse me family, daddy needs to powder his bladder.
Doughy: Gee why are we sneaking' around this tavern Orel?
Orel: Because Doughy I need to observe maturity and I figure there is no more mature place than...
(Gets cut off by two guys stumbling out of the tavern fighting over whether football or hockey is better)
Doughy: Gosh Principal Fakey is kissing Nurse Blinkless. I don't understand - isn't he married to Mrs. Fakey?
Orel: Don't question your elders, Doughy. Principal Fakey is in his 50's - he must know the best. We just don't understand yet.
Officer Papermouth: Don't get me wrong being alone is great. It's just that I don't know what to do with my money.
Bartender: Oh I can think of a few things honey.
Officer Papermouth: That's what I'm saying! I'll give you money!
Clay: That kid gets more action than I do.
Bloberta: I'm still weaning him Clay.
Clay: Bloberta, he's seven! He should not be using your milk to wash down his meatloaf which I pay for by working that stinking' dead end job!
Bloberta: Ha ha, I'm so sick of your complaining! Why don't you just quit your job and quit being such a crybaby?
Clay: Oh thanks for the sympathy. You have never been on my side!
Bloberta: Why would I be on the side of a self destructive alcoholic?
Clay: I can't believe I gave you the privilege of satisfying me every night!
(Pours a glass of alcoholic beverage)
Orel: Yep, Maturity juice
(Orel opens the door and turns on the light)
Everyone: Surprise!
Orel: Great. Another year.
(Orel turns off the light and closes the door)
Bloberta: Have a good day at school, dear!
Orel: Ehh, have a good day yourself.
Bloberta: Hmm... Now where have I seen that behavior before? Have a good day at work dear!
Clay: Ehh, have a good day yourself.
Clay: I don't know what's gotten into you lately, young man. Our talks just don't seem to be helping.
Orel: But Dad - I thought I was doing what you wanted.
Clay: Why on Earth would I ever want you to take my precious alcoholic beverages?
Orel: Because you wanted me to be more adult.
Clay: Orel, drinking on a daily basis is not the only way to be an adult.
Orel: Well I tried not talking about my feelings, too.
Clay: Oh son, behaving like a grown up is many things. First and for most it means doing things that you hate doing.
Orel: Like what, pop?
Clay: Well like dealing with people who make you unhappy, being stressed about things you have no control over, working soul-numbing jobs.
Orel: Ooh...
Clay: Then gradually as we endure these hardships and accept them as normal, that's when we finally earned the right to get drunk and be emotionally distant from our families.
Orel: Just like my father. I love you dad.
Clay: I'm hungry too. Let's go eat!

[edit] 1.10 The Best Christmas Ever

Reverend Putty: I'd like to welcome a very special Merry 1st Christmas to our Jews for Jesus friends. You know, during this joyous season, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas. What Christmas is really about is the birth of the cute little baby who would grow up to die an unbelievably horrible death for our sins. You know who I'm talkin about: Jesus, our Savior! Born from an attractive, young virgin named Mary. Jesus was an unplanned birth that really made a name for itself. Like if Joseph had refused to let the baby grow within Mary, who knows what this building would be right now... maybe even a synagogue! But because Joseph had the moral goodness to raise the "surprise;" we are safe and warm here in a Protestant church. Amen, and merry Christmas
Orel: Boy, God. This sure didn't turn out to be the best Christmas ever. But You still have two minutes left... and I have faith in You.
[Orel looks up to the sky as the camera is pulled back and Orel becomes smaller and smaller. The episode ends]
Radio Jingle: If the Lord were alive today, what would you give him this Christmas?
What would you give someone who has everything and more?
He can heal the sick, so don't give him an aspirin
He can walk on water, so don't give him support.
If the lord were alive today, what would you give him this Christmas?
You'd give him a $20 certificate at Pizza Joe's!
While talking with Bloberta about Shapey
Clay: He doesn't even look like me. WHO'S BEEN INSIDE YOU?!

[edit] Season 2

[edit] 2.01 God's Image

Clay: Son, I know things have been rough over the past few months, what with your mothers unreasonable behavior and bitter coldness towards me.
[Orel is about to put some Chinese food in his mouth]
Clay:Don't say it, you and Shapey are still young, needy, impressionable children. So your mother and i have decided to stay together. If only for appearances. The last thing we want people to think is that we don't care about our own kids. That's one fact that is none of their business
Doughy: Playing is fun. What should we play?
Orel: let's play church!
Boys: Church?
Orel: Yeah!
Joe: How about "dodge glass?" [Throws broken bottle at Billy Figgurelli, who bleeds] You cut your hand with the glass, just like I wanted you too!
Christstein Kids: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, Jesus made you out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel dreidel, then made water into wine.
Orel: You sure do work hard, Mr. Figgurelli
Sal Figgurelli: There's three things we Figgurelli's do: we work hard, we love God, and we wish there was a third thing

[edit] 2.02 Love

Shapy:[laughing] Mine! [grabbing lighter fluid and squirting it on to the grill making a huge flame], Ooo friend!
Orel: Hey, dad, want to play catch with me?
Clay: Has gravity gone away, Orel?
Orel: No, sir.
Clay: Then don't ask me to take away the place ofsomething that the good Lord has already provided for you.
Orel: OK
Orel: [Holding the dog] Mom, look what I found.
Bloberta: Orel, you know that living animals aren't supposed to be around the delicious ones.
Orel: I want to keep as a pet
Bloberta: Nonsense, you already have Shapey
Reverend Putty: God wants you to love Jesus more than anything else in the world. More than your mother; more than your father; more than your favorite food; and yes, even more than money
Congregation: [Gasp]
Clay: Love is a very beautiful, very intense feeling that happens for a startling short period of time. You realize that it just gets in the way of the important things in life; like, just going to sleep or being left alone. That's when love begins to fade and lies kicks in
Orel: But how long does it actually take for love to fade?
Clay: Oh, quicker than you think, kid, quicker than you think...
Clay: Now hand him over to Doctor Potterswheel, he has a shot waiting for him that'll be virtually painless; right, doc?
Doctor Potterswheel: Well, i'm no vet; but, then again, i'm only gonna kill it
Orel: Gee, dad, does he have to die?
Clay: With all that love being spread everywhere, this dog is dangerous
Bloberta: Animals have no souls whatsoever. That's what makes them so delicious when we eat and drink them

[edit] 2.03 Satan

Coach Stopframe: Lord in heaven, have him call me.
(Flips cross on wall upside down)
Coach Stopframe: Satan in hell, make him call me.
Bloberta: My, you're working late
Clay: Stinking--
Bloberta: Dead end job, uh-huh.
Orel: Coach Stopframe?
Coach Stopframe: Oh, hi, Orel.
Orel: Whatcha got there?
Coach Daniel: Mmm, nothing. just a picture. Oh, hey, Orel, do you think that you could get me a little bit of your dad's hair?
Orel: Sure what for?
Coach Daniel: Well, I want to buy him a new comb and I need to see what gauge teeth to get on it.
Orel: Gotcha.
Flygron: Greetings. I am Flygron. Come in and have some pizza.
Orel: Yum! [Runs inside]
Flygron: Uh, who's the kid?
Coach Stopframe: He's the virgin.
Flygron: What? That's totally against the law.
Coach Stopframe: But it's for the ritual.
Flygron: Don't you know any legal virgins?
Coach Daniel Stopframe: Hadn't crossed my mind really.
Clay: Orel, why are you sifting through the garbage bag so early in the morning?
Orel: Oh, is it THAT early?
Clay: Yes, and I haven't even finished my third drink yet!
Reverend Putty: Homosexuality.
Congregation: Gasp!
Reverend Putty: Not only is it the biggest sin out there, it's just plain unfair. Men with men? Are you kidding me? Try not to loose your virginity under those circumstances. I mean, you cut out women, and you cut out teasing, and shelling out cash for expensive dinners, and the nagging. In fact, gay men would have it made in the shade if it weren't for one thing. God hates 'em. Why? Because they can't multiply. Seriously, as hard as they kiss, and press their stupid bodies together, they're never gonna squeeze a baby out of each other. I'm tellin' 'ya, it's a joke. And guess who's the only one laughin'? Satan.

[edit] 2.04 Elemental Orel

Marionetta: Orel Puppington, you can't think I stole that money. I was delivering cripple food to the physically challenged
Doughy: Sounds like an air tight alibi
Doughy: Hey, Orel, what did you get for number 7 on the anatomy test?
Orel: Evil
Doughy: of course!
Bloberta: [Whilst scrubbing the floor] Bad dirt. Naughty, naughty dirt
Orel: Reverend Putty, I can find out who stole that money for you.
Doughy: For that nickel.
Reverend Putty: Fine, have it. I guess I'm gonna have to rely on the ol' personality tonight.
Doughy: Hi 'ya Joe. How much did you put in the tray this week?
Joe: Nothin'. I don't have any stupid money. (Joe walks away; looks at the tray and smirks)
Orel: Poor kid.
Joe: (Carrying donation tray) Stupid walking around on my dumb feet!
Reverend Putty: Are you telling me that this is it? A nickel?
Joe: Um, well, somebody stole the money.
Reverend Putty: Stole?! But my whole sermon was abou-- Doesn't anyobdy lis-- That's God's money! I was counting on some getting lucky cash for tonight.

[edit] 2.05 Offensiveness

Orel: Your birthday? Why didn't you say anything, Miss Censordoll?
Miss Censordoll: I prefer not to annually celebrate the emergence of my unclad through such an unsavory passage from my mothers womb

[edit] 2.06 God's Blunders

Doughy: Is sin radioactive?
Rev. Putty: Yes. That's why it's dangerous to get it near your groin.
Tommy: But, Reverend Putty?
Rev. Putty: Yes, Tommy?
Tommy: I thought 4% of the universe was made up of atoms and...
Rev. Putty: Tommy, can't you listen?
Tommy: But I read in a book that...
Rev. Putty: Well, I read Dracula in a book, but that doesn't mean I believe in Transylvania.

[edit] 2.07 Pleasure

Orel had another wet dream about God spanking him and decided to go talk to his dad about it.
Clay: You've been having whats? About who!? Doing WHAT!? I think you know what this means, young man! (holds up his belt threateningly, and Orel gives an aroused grin. Seeing this, Clay puts his belt back down) Just... just meet me in my study.
Reverend Putty: But there are others way to have pleasure without the Devil's work, there's platonic friendship, nice weather, the thrill of a good-night's sleep, uh...just to name a few

[edit] 2.08 The Lord's Prayer

Bloberta: How do I look?
Clay: [Very blankly] Like you always do.
The Puppington Family are having new neighbors the Posubules for dinner, and they're all saying grace.
Everyone: Our Father, who/which art... [Everyone stops, slightly confused, then resumes] ...in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses/debts... [everyone stops again, more conscious, and then continue cautiously forward] ...as we forgive those who trespass/our debtors...
Clay: Debtors?!
Art Posubule: Trespassers?!
Both: What are you, nuts?! Get out!/Let's go!
Bloberta and Poppet Posubule: Well, you think you know someone!
Art: Get up, kids! I can't believe you would expose my children to this without my consent?
Clay: Your children? What about my kid, he's only nine!
Orel: Twelve.
Bloberta: Please, just leave!
Poppet: Gladly!
Clay: You don't even understand what the Lord's Prayer means!
Art: How dare you!? Forgive your debtors!
Clay: Forgive your trespassers!
Art: You owe me a bottle of wine!
Clay: Get off my property! (Slams the door)

After what happened at dinner with the Posabules

Bloberta: I don't understand, don't they want to go to heaven?
Clay: People like them never do

[edit] 2.09 Holy Visage

Miss Sculptham: The crusades took place during the Dark Ages, which was a very pious and righteous time in our history. Doughy? Doughy: But the Dark Ages sound scary. Miss Sculptham: Well, it they're not. "Dark" in this case, means something more like "shade" and "shelter." To be in a cool, dark place away from the oppresive heat of blinding enlightenment. (Presses a button which makes a speaker utters the words "BELIEVE IT, OR ELSE!"
(Everyone): OOOOOHHHHH!
Miss Sculptham: And then the Renaissance came and ruined everything when artists started taking the clothes off all their paintings! Orel?
Orel: What were the Crusades all about, Miss Sculptham?
Miss Sculptham: It was a holy war to retrieve lost artifacts and symbols of Christianity. You see, symbols of our religion are very precious and should not be discarded. That's why it's a sin to throw the Bible off a cliff or flush a cross down the toilet. (Presses a button which makes a speaker utters the words "BELIEVE IT, OR ELSE!")
Billy: OOH! OOH! (raises hand)
Miss Sculptham: Yes?
Billy: So what did they end up getting back from the Crusades? Miss Sculptham: Well, as you can see, many of the artifacts are here behind this glass. We have the Holy Grail...
Everyone: OOHH!
Miss Sculptham: ...a porthole from Noah's Ark...
Everyone: OOOOHHH!
Miss Sculptham: ...and a skeleton from the baby Jesus! All of these, of course, can be purchased in the museum gift shop. (Presses a button which makes a speaker utters the words "BELIEVE IT, OR ELSE!")

Orel: I guess Dr. Chosenburg accidentally arranged these bottles that way!
Clay: Hallelujah!

[edit] 2.10 Be Fruitful and Multiply

Mr Figgurelli: Hi, Orel, what can I do for you?
Orel: Hi, Mr Figgurelli, my dad needs a new belt
Mr Figgurelli: Wore the new one out already, huh?
Orel: Yeah...learning is hard sometimes
Rev. Putty: (praying) Lord, Putty here. Reverend Putty, for what that's worth. I don't know what the deal is with you, but I do and do and do for you, and all I ask is one measly thing in return! Seriously, is a lady really that difficult to conjure up? I mean, you make trees for a living. And I'm saying it could be any lady! Any size, any shape, any colo— I mean, any weight. The point is, I'm not picky. Amen.
Orel: There's just so many ways not to be lonely. There are family, friends, faith... Hey, those are all "F" words. I wonder if there are other ways not to be lonely that also start with "F".
Rev. Putty: (after long pause) Think of any yet?
Orel: Nope.
Rev. Putty: Holy Moley! You are pure pureness in its purest form. It's almost irritating.
Orel: I think that as long as you have at least one of those "F" words in your life, you can't be lonely. For you see, a lot of the problems starts when people get too greedy and want all of the "F" words, and don't appreciate the ones that they have. Then they're just making their live miserable...and who ever heard of somebody actually wanting to make his life miserable. Amen.
Rev. Putty: Let's just cut the reverend stuff, okay?
Stephanie: What would you prefer? Pastor? Minister? Brother? Rod?
Rev. Putty: How about Father?
Stephanie: Sounds a little too Catholic, doesn't it?
Rev. Putty: You're right. Better make it Dad.

[edit] 2.11 Praying

[edit] 2.12 Repression

[edit] 2.13 Turn the Other Cheek

Turn the Other Cheek (Original)
You’ve got to turn the other cheek; turn the other cheek.
Show the world how strong you are by simply acting weak.
Inherit all the world someday ‘cuz you will be so meek.
Show them just how meek when you turn the other cheek
Turn the Other Cheek (revised)
You’ve got to make them turn the other cheek; make them turn the other cheek.
Any time anyone makes a fist you punch ‘em in the beak.
It just becomes a reflex ‘cuz there is no time to think.
Stop violence while reap righteous havoc on their cheek.
Then they’ll turn the other cheek; they’ll turn the other cheek.
They’ll learn about the Bible with your whole new violent streak.
The one-two punch that teaches them that they should keep it meek.
They’ll be up Heaven’s Creek when they turn their other cheek.
Clay: Orel, you know you shouldn't upset your mother by coming home with dirty clothes, because then, your mother talks to your father, and no-one wants that
Doughy: Say Orel, what'd you build in wood shop class?
Orel': Well, I decided to make my dad a spanking paddle, so his pants don't keep falling down
Doughy: Oh, thoughtful!
Clay: Ah yes turn the other cheek the war cry of the fraidy-cats.Orel the phrase "turn the other cheek" has been misused ever since violence became out of style.
Orel: It has?
Clay: Sure, that saying should only be used if someone insults you or jokes about your wife, then you should just grin and bare it even laugh if it's funny.
Orel: Gee, I hope I'm qualified to teach Walt about the bible.
Walt: Ding, ding, ding, stop and pay toll to cross the hall.
Doughy: Uh, this doesn't sound very official, Walt.
Walt: Toll gate coming down.
(Orel punches Walt)
Orel: Now turn your other cheek, Walt.
(Then Orel kicks Walt's stomach)
Orel: See? That's how it's done.
(Everyone cheers)
Clay: (as Orel undoes his pants for a "lesson") Forget it, save it.
Orel: But...aren't you going to teach me a lesson?
Clay: No, I'm not.
Orel: So, what does this mean, you're giving up on me, Dad?
Clay: Orel, a father never gives up on his son, because then he's not really a father; and if I'm not a father, all I really am is a husband, and that's practically worthless.
Orel: Uh-huh.
Clay: Also, you did follow my advice, kiddo, so punishing you would be an admission of wrongness on my part, and believe you me, that ain't gonna happen.
Orel: So why did we even come in here?
Clay: Well, we had to cast what's called a smoke-screen.
Orel: A smoke-screen?
Clay: Yes, it's a valuable tool I use in order to give your mother the illusion that I'm actually doing my job as your father.
Orel: Neat! You're the best, Dad. I love you.
Clay: Sure do. Well, we got about one more minute in here. (Orel and Clay just stand and sit there for just over a minute while the credits roll)

[edit] 2.14 Geniuses

[After Mr Cartsen reads a ghost story]"
Doughy: Orel, I think I just earned my scaredy badge
[While hiking, discover the "missing link" in a block of ice]
Orel: Wow look, it's the fictional missing link from the ghost book
Doughy: Say, that should take care of our coincidence badges
Florence Papermouth: Ooo, look, it says faith, how fun for a cookie!
Reverend Putty: It's not a library, ma'am
[After the missing link causes a rampage at the church bake-sale]
Bloberta: Orel, this European man cannot be your friend; you know full well to not trust a foreigner.
Clay: Geniuses is the most simplistic way of disproving evolution while at the same time proving that a miracle of God's pure brainpower. He whipped up the universe in his heaven shaped laboratory hundreds of years ago
Orel: Wow
Clay: In fact, this is so simplistic that the lowest form of life can understand it
Link McMissuns: Good afternoon, citizens of Moralton, I am Link McMissuns. My guest today is Dr.Castingspalpibale our topic evolution vs Geniuses. Now, you believe in this crackpot theory of evolution, don't you Mr. Palpiable?
Mr.Palpiable: Yes, of course but there is empirical evidence
Link McMissuns: Don't change the topic, Doctor. Where you can't ignore the evidence that God made Adam out of dirt and Eve out of a spare rib, that's just logic, Doctor
Mr.Palpiable: Come now. There are fossils
Link McMissuns: Fossils, fossils; your like a broken record, any rational mind would know that God plated Dinosaurs bones in the earth in order to grow Dinosaurs
Mr.Palpiable: Well interesting theory, well you might want to check out this artist's rendering of Darwin's proposed missing link, here
Link McMissuns: Ridiculous. Nothing like this ever existed; it's preposterous
Mr.Palpiable: Now, take a look at this picture of you from several weeks ago
Link McMissuns: That's me?
Mr.Palpiable: Uh, yes. Of be it a sleeker, sexy you, but you nonetheless. Mr.McMissuns, how do you account that cowering brow ridge and your stooped ape like stature, yes and when is the last time you saw a homosapien completely covered in fur?
Link McMissuns: When?
Mr.Palpiable: And who else do you know was thawed out of a huge block of ice?
Link McMissuns: Who...who..[Starts acting like a monkey]

[edit] 2.15 Courtship

Orel: Gee, Doughy, your parents really do love you after all. They give you money and they don't ever want anything in return, not even you.
Doughy: If I get you all of these things, THEN can we go steady?
Miss Sculptham: let me show you some calculations here: these things + other things = maybe

[edit] 2.16 School Pageant

Intro Song:

Einstein, Darwin, Edison, Alexander Graham Bell
Are all smarty pantses but the chance is they all burn in hell
Yes they're the devil's clientele
So...
Think with your heart put a mortar board on your aorta
Think with your heart and come graduate unto the lord-a
Think with your heart Jesus wouldn't ask for anything lesser
Think only with your heart he's our sweet savior not our college professor
Think only with your heart
Orel: Gosh, I just got to get that part, I was born to play Jesus.
Doughy: Gee, Orel who else would be half well as you.

After hearing Junior Christein's beautiful, angelic singing

Dale Armature: Oh...my...god...I am good writer!!!
Orel: [Dressed as Judas] Their he is! get him.
Junior: [Dressed as Jesus] But why Judas, why??
Orel: well, because...
[Singing] I hate you Jesus, you rotten little fink,
Your sermon never pleases,and all your parables all stink,
Your eyes and beaty nose is weird and goofy basket case,
I'd like to take your stupid beard and rip it off face,
Prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrony clod,
You maybe someones daughter, but you sure ain't the son of
Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus with your boring miracles,
You smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up my nose!

After the school play...

Bloberta: I hate you Jesus,
Clay: you rotten little fink.
Officer Papermouth: your sermon never pleases.
Doctor Potterswheel: and all your parables all stink.
Mr.Figgurelli: your eyes and beaty nose is weird and goofy basket case.
Old Woman: I'd like to take that stupid beard and rip it off face.
Rev.Putty: prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrony clod, you maybe someones daughter but you sure ain't the son of....
Everybody: [In church] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus, with your boring miracles, you smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up...shoved right up...shoved right up my nose.
Orel: wow everybody sure hates Jesus! whoops.

[edit] 2.17 Presents for God

[edit] 2.18 Orel's Movie Premiere

Daniel Stopframe: Nah, your better when you drink
Clay: Oh, Danielle, I missed your little face!
Bloberta: Reverend, would you like a tuna-cone?
Reverend Putty: No thanks
Bloberta: Come on, they're delicious!
Reverend Putty: Bloberta, if i have one bite of that hors-d'oeuvre, and I guarantee it that I will get explosive diarrhea in 13 seconds!

[edit] 2.19 Nature (Part 1)

[Clay has finished spanking Orel]
Clay: I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.
Orel: It sure has! I'm never gonna do that, with those, in there, for that long, ever again!
Clay: Good boy son, good boy...
[Pause]
Orel: Is that it?
Clay: Yup you can go.
Orel: Oh, your not going to lecture me some more.
Clay: Nah, go and relax for a while.
Orel: Gee...
[Orel looks at the mounted deer on the wall above the fireplace, this grabs Clay's attention]
Clay: Orel, how would you like to go on father and son outing together?
Orel: Father and son, and how!
On a Father/Son hunting trip, Clay has been drinking constantly, becoming more drunk as the day progresses, much to Orel's discomfort.
Clay: He-Hey! They just keep on comin'!
Orel: W-W-What're you doing!?
Clay: Why, I'm gonna shoot that rabbit of course!
Orel: Dad, that's not a rabbit- it's someone's hunting dog!
Clay: Orel, hunting dogs are just... nature's rabbits. (Shoots the dog)
Later on in the hunting trip..
Clay: (After a large swig of alcohol) You know what your problem is, Orel? Your cup is always half empty. You need to be more like your old man and look at the blight side of things.
Orel: You mean bright?
Clay: I didn't say bright, I said blight. "My life is sunny and blight". Bright means the opposite, it means sudden withering death, and...(Suddenly despondant)...Oh, who am I kidding? My life is full of bright.
Orel: You mean blight?
Clay: Oh God...
Orel: What's the matter?
Clay: ...I hate myself...
Orel's eyes tear up as Clay looks at the bottle he's holding.
Clay: (Screaming) Why did you quit working on me?! She always fools me, Orel. "I'll make things better dear. Drink me. Put me inside you, I'm great!" And she chokes me just like every other whore out there! They're all worthless, kid. Every woman. Don't let 'em get ya. All of 'em wanna get ya. They just grab you and pull you into them! And then you're forced to stay in and pull out and stay in and pull out! And then they gut ya. And then they've got ya by the part where it counts. And then they start squeezing things out! Things that are like weights around your head! You sit there for the rest of your life, with nowhere to go and no one to be!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
Orel, terrified at this rant, accidentally discharges his gun.
Orel: Dad!

[edit] 2.20 Nature (Part 2)

Clay: You have done nothing but whine and complain like a lady in a flowery, sissy skirt and attractive high heels about my drinking since we got here!
Orel: (Half crying) It's because you become a bad person when you drink!
Clay: Okay... It's time you became a man! Where's my rifle?
Orel: I-I-I don't think...
Clay: There it is! (grabs his rifle and starts aiming it around)
Orel: (trembling) Dad! W-Watch out!
Clay: Please, Orel. I know exactly what I'm doing.
Orel: Yeah, but you might shoot it off by mistake!
Clay: There aren't any mistakes either. No mistakes, no accidents, no flop-ups, no boner.
Orel: But...
Clay: DON'T "BUT" ME! (pulls the trigger, shooting Orel in the leg)

Clay has just shot Orel, and drank all of his rubbing alcohol

Orel: "I hate you."
Clay: (utterly flippant) "Hate away, sister. Hate away."

Clay finally wakes up after sleeping off all of the alcohol he drank the previous day; it's in the late afternoon

Clay: (cheerfully) Mornin'!
Orel: (holds up a sundial he made) Morning was 13 hours ago.
Orel: Mom, why did you marry Dad?
Bloberta: Why? Well, men have to marry women. Otherwise if men married men and women married women, we'd all give birth to nothing but fairysexuals.
Orel: But why did you marry Dad?
Bloberta: Oh, well...why not?
Orel: Well, it's just that, when he drinks, he changes...
Bloberta: Oh, he doesn't change, Orel. That's just his true nature coming out. (Leaves the room)
Orel: Huh. "Nature"...

[edit] Season 3

[edit] 3.01 Numb

After trying to get Shapey back from the Posabule family, Bloberta has ended up with both Shapey and Block, who bond quickly.
Shapey and Block: Mine!
Shapey: Cake?
Block: Cake!
Shapey: Yummy?
Block: Yummy!
Shapey: Mine?
Both: Mine! [They laugh happilly]
Rev. Putty: Bloberta! What brings you...
Bloberta: Reverend, I want you.
Rev. Putty: I... uh... I'm sorry?
Bloberta: I need you. I have this feeling.
Rev. Putty: Oh, well, uh... Meet me at the church repressional.
Bloberta: No! I want to be with you! I want your mind, your body. I want to get close to you in anyway. Touch you, anywhere. I'm yours, all yours!
Rev. Putty: AAAAHHHH!!! (ejaculates in his pants and falls on his knees) I'm done.
Bloberta: What?
Rev. Putty: I'm done! Go away! Go a million miles away! (slams the door)

(phone rings in Nohammer's Hardware)

Don Nohammer: Nohammer's Hardware? (bothered) Yes, we have hammers! (slaps his head in frustration) No, it's just my name!

[edit] 3.02 Grounded

FOUR WEEKS BEFORE THE HUNTING TRIP...
[Clay walks out of the bedroom, with a cigarette]
Bloberta: Good afternoon.
Clay: Oh Yeah? What's so afternoon about it?
Bloberta: Well, it's 4:30pm. What kind of an example is that for your son?
Clay: Don't worry about Orel, he's fine, chip off the old block, my own flesh and... [Opens bathroom door to see Orel in a bathtub filled with blood surrounded by his friends] blood?
Orel: Oh, hi Dad! Pretty great, huh?
Clay: No!! It's not great!!
Orel: But I'm just trying to do what you said.
Clay: For the millionth time, what ever I said I didn't mean this! Young man, I'll see you in my study.
Orel: [Gulps as Doughy falls to the floor]

[In Clay's study, Orel is bent over Clay's lap, whistling nonchalantly while being spanked, then he falls off]

Clay: Oh, sorry kid. Pull your pants up.
Orel: What's the matter, Pops? Aren't you going to spank me?
Clay: Buddy, I'm going to have to administer a more harsher punishment this time.
Orel: Uh oh.
Clay: "Uh oh" is right. Son, I'm going to ground you for one entire month.
Orel: Oh, you mean I can't go out and play?
Clay: Oh, you can play, go out and play to your little heart's content. Run around, laugh, jump, roughhouse with the whole gang.
Orel: So what am I grounded from?
Clay: Church.
Orel: Dad!
Clay: That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Orel: But you... you can't!
Clay: I can and am.
Orel: Dad! Please! You have to reconsider! I'll stop trying to do anything right for now on! I'll just be a normal kid! I promise!
Clay[: You can go now.

[Orel leaves the study upset]

Clay: [Chuckles] Checkmate.

[The next day, everyone is ready for church; Orel is sitting on the couch in his Sunday suit]

Clay:What are you dressed up for? Got a big date or something?
Orel: I thought maybe you'd have a change of heart.
Clay: Change of heart!? Orel, change is only for hippies and underwear.
Orel: Well, I guess I can just stay at home and pray.
Orel: I have to go to the church!
Clay: Sorry, no church for two more weeks pal.
Orel: You don't understand! God wants me to visit! He killed me because he misses me!
Clay: Well, you should've thought of that before you messed up the upstairs bathroom

Dr. Potterswheel is using a defibrillator on Orel and has shocked him for the 9th time

Doctor Potterswheel: Is this even on? [licks his finger, and touches a defibrillator pad, which shocks him] Oh, oh, yep, yep, it's ready.
Doughy: Oh boy, I hope I don't get caught in the rainstorm! I sure wish God would use his tricky magic and make church come to me for once

[Orel, dressed in a cardboard church he has made, bumps into Doughy]

Doughy: Yippee! [See's Orel's head pop out of the cardboard church] Oh, it's you, Orel; I thought you were a church
Orel: I am a Church!

[Orel opens his eyes after dying for the third time]

Nurse Bendy: Well, at least his eyes are alive.

[Clay has finished spanking Orel, causing Orel to forget his enlightenment]

Clay: I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.
Orel: It sure has! I'm never gonna do that [Shocking his heart], with those [Defibrillator pads], in there [The Hospital], for that long, ever again!

[After Orel's second death]

Clay: Orel, these near-death experiences are getting tiresome...and expensive. Now, I don't want to have to sign another one of your death certificates!

[After Orel wakes up for the first time]

Doctor Potterswheel: It's a miracle!
Clay: A miracle? So it's free?
Doctor Potterswheel: Well, gauze is expensive
Clay: Knew it...

[edit] 3.03 Innocence

Rev. Putty: God's wrath has warned us!
Clay: Yeah, but come on! All that stuff happened before that song!
Rev. Putty: You think god can't see into the future? He can see weeks into the future, bub! And with lyrics like that, you think he's going to sit here picking his nose until we get around to singing it? "I'd like to take that stupid beard and ripping it off your face?"

Clay: Wait a minute! you're asking me to take responsibility for what Orel does?
Rev. Putty: I know it's a tall order.
Clay: 90% of the time I'm not even responsible for my own action!
Fakey: What if you quit drinking?
Clay: (mockingly) Yeah, what if?

Mrs. Sculptham: Look, I teach school, which has nothing to do with life, so don't pin this on me!

[edit] 3.04 Alone

Miss Censordoll: No, Mother, I am not "Holier-than-thou". But I am Holier than you.
Nurse Bendy: Firstly, we must all pray for grace! Dear Lord in Godland, bless this mess of delicious food and thank you kindly for keeping our joyous family together under this one love-filled roof! We all need people who aren't mean to me or that don't act like they care about doing dirty, awful things to you. [becoming more despondent with each sentence] We need family because they care that I'm a real person who has thoughts of sadness, sometimes, along with happy thoughts or scared or aloneness thoughts. I feel thoughts of emotions and I need people to know that. So, thank you for keeping this family in good... shape. [suddenly cheerful again] The end for now, while we eat, signed, my family. [wipes a tear from her eye] Wow. My eye is really sweating up a storm here.
Some of the paper clippings on Ms. Sculptham's mirror: "FORCEFUL ADULTERER PROWLS MORALTON"

"TOWN UNCOMFORTABLE WITH RAMPANT SEX CRIMES, 'Talking about this may be inevitable...' "
"MORALTON PAPERS FORCED TO PRINT THE WORD 'RAPE!!!', 'We can't ignore this story anymore...' "
"TRESPASS-ENOVA!!!"
"DON('T) JUAN STILL ON THE PROWL!, Irked husband: "I don't even do that with my spouse!"
"SERIAL RAPIST IS ON THE LOOSE! THIS TIME IT'S NOT OREL"

[edit] 3.05 Trigger

Doughy: Hey, sheriff? You want me to stay here to make sure that Orel doesn't goof anything up? Or maybe you can take me on the hunting trip with you, sheriff.
Clay: Oh ho ho, Doughy. That was just a ploy to get Orel to shoot better. Why, you could be Lee Harvey Oswald and I still wouldn't bring you on that trip with me.

[edit] 3.06 Dumb

[edit] 3.07 Help

Orel: Mom why did you marry Dad?

Orel: but why did you marry Dad?

[edit] 3.08 Passing

Angela: Only God could explain why you stayed here with me, and your brothers and sisters didn't. It must have been all that praying I did during the pregnancy with you. Do you know I didn't even smoke? Imagine being that preoccupied that you forget to even light up a cigarette every once in a while. My stomach was tied in such knots, and...I was so steeped in all my prayers that I couldn't even force down a highball. I mean, if it wasn't for food, I would've wasted away to nothing; and of course, through everything that was going on through my mind, I never had time to horseback ride or go on a roller coaster. And that trampoline out back, that practically went to waste. With all that lack of exercise, it's a wonder you were ever born at all.

[edit] 3.09 Closeface

Closeface

There's a blurry girl at the end of my nose
Her name is Closeface
And when she backs away, I don't know where she goes
That crazy Closeface

She's really different, but she's kind of like you
But her eyes are bigger and there's not always two
If it ever was not Closeface, I would be so scared

There's a dirty girl and she whispers to me.
Closeface, where is that Closeface
I don't know how much she weighs, but she's as big as I can see
Closeface, got to be Closeface

I think she thinks that I'm a perfect match
Cause I'm just her type when we are attached
And when she backs away, you are always right there

Orel is trying to find a date to the Arms-Length Dance
Orel: Please, Lord, who should I ask to the dance?
Block enters the room and starts annoying Orel.
Orel: Knock it off Shapey- I mean Block- [Gasps] Christina! She'd be perfect! But, I'm not supposed to like her, because she's different. Unless, you don't mind, Lord? Please give me a sign, would you mind if I asked her?
Block: No!
Orel: Wow! Of all the things he could have said!
Putty: Hiya, kiddo.
Stephanie: Dad! Hey. Shouldn't you be in there thwarting sexual encounters?
Putty: Nah, I'm tired of being that guy.
Stephanie: Good. I wouldn't want you to do to Orel what you did to us.
Putty: Us? Us who?
Stephanie: You know, me and my date, all those years ago?
Putty: Well, I don't remember. It musn't have been anything too shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Stephanie: Sounds like you got a leak there, Reverend.
Putty: You!
Stephanie: Ah, you remember! Well don't worry, nothing came of it. I just hope Orel has better luck with love than I do.
Putty: Are you kidding? You can't compare you and her to Orel and his little Orellette.
Stephanie: Why, because we're two girls, and Tolerance is only a pretend theme?
Putty: No. Because she didn't care for you.
Stephanie: ...wow. You remember it better than I do.
Putty: Yeah, I remember. When you've had my track record with love that stuff hits you like a ton of bricks. But, if you keep playing that song, we might both get lucky.

[edit] 3.10 Sundays

[edit] 3.11 Sacrifice

Rev. Putty: Well, if you remember last week's sermon, I ended it with a little cliffhanger: What was in the tomb when Mary Magdalene and company checked it out? Well, here's the answer: nothing. Nothing was in the tomb. Now, usually, nothing is a down. One big goose egg. Well, this time the goose laid a golden egg, people. Nothing meant "hope" for everyone. So the next time you look and see nothing, have a little hope for me. Amen.
Clay: Don't look at me like that. I'm very responsible.
Dolly: Usually.
Clay: Dolly, if I go to work, today...i'm gonna kill someone
Dolly: Well, I guess when you have a family, that's the sacrifice you make.
Clay': Sacrifice! Exactly! I sacrificed. The ultimate sacrifice: my happiness for my kids! You bet I did! You bet I did. And I do it again, too! I'd do over and over again! That's my life! Over, and over, and over, and over, and over...
Dolly: Okay, Clay. I get the point.
Clay: NO. YOU. DON'T! And over, and over, and over, and over, and over...
Dolly: Well, the reverend sacrificing is very fitting on a day like today.
Clay: Oh really? Why especially today, Albert Vaginastein?
Dolly: Easter. The reverend sacrificing like the Lord has sacrificed.
Clay: Golly, imagine the loser Florence is getting sloppy with.
Officer Papermouth: You better stop that!
Rev. Putty: Yeah, that's no way to talk about a guy you don't even know!
Officer Papermouth: Well, I don't care about the guy...
Rev. Putty: No, uh, I mean, it's insulting to you.
Officer Papermouth: And Florence.
Putty: Yes, and you! You're a handsome man. I'm sure the fellow who sleeps with Florence is at least as handsome, if not more.
Officer Papermouth: ...Um...Yeah...
Clay: Well, I think Jesus would say you're both nuts. This guy is probably some hard-luck sap that feeds off female desperation as much as he's desperate himself. (He is referring to Putty, but Papermouth doesn't know that)
Clay: Well well well, Dr. Quentin Xavier Potterswheel!
Potterswheel: Clay.
Clay: Hey Doc, we were just talking about ex-wives.
Potterswheel: Uh, I'm a widower.
Clay: Oh right, right. Must be nice to lose a wife to sickness and death instead of her just plain ol' getting sick of you.
Potterswheel: No... Not so nice, especially when you're a doctor.
Clay: She just loved those painkillers! Probably didn't even realize she was infected, right Doc?
Potterswheel: She was... quite comfortable when she passed.
Clay: "Numb", some call it! Now, me and Jesus, we like to feel the pain. Tell me, doc. Did some of those painkillers protect her against you?
Potterswheel: What does that mean?
Clay: You know. The pain. Of you. Day in, day out, being there. With that face. Not knowing what to say. Not caring anymore. Not even knowing that you'll probably only care about her when it's finally too late. Forgetting about all those desperate- those desperate years you spent alone, your barren years when no woman would even consider resting her tired head on your shaky little shoulder. Stinking of belly semen. Why even wipe? And when you finally get one of these [Points at Dolly and imitates a fanfare] coveted pieces of tail that have been built up as the grand trophy in your nothing life, you try desperately to keep it. Not to protect it! But to hoard it. To keep it away from the other wolves and jackals circling your territory! And you realize, all too soon, that you're not good enough! That maybe there was a jerk-off called Darwin after all. And that you never acknowledged his existence because you knew deep inside that you were really what you feared you were-- weak. And passive. And ultimately, broken by the ones who were made the fittest. And that through your weaknesses, you built up a poison that poisoned others around you. That you love. And the only true justice was to let those dominant jackals feed on you. Survive off you.

[After everyone has left the bar]

Clay: With all you people as role models, no wonder my son is sensitive
Shapey: Mommy?
Bloberta: Not now, Shapey. No milk.
Shapey: When I'm thirsty, it feels how I feel when I'm alone.

[edit] 3.12 Nesting

Clay: For you see, people don't always say what's on their minds
Orel: That sounds kind of silly
Clay: Don't ever call it silly, boy! Not saying what's on our mind is what this country is based on
Orel is helping Miss Censordoll campaign against Clay for Mayor.
Clay: [Angry] Orel...
Orel: [Indifferent] I know, meet you in your study.
Orel continues to give out fliers. Later, Orel is standing stoically in Clay's study.
Clay: [Awkward] So, uh...how are...things...Orel?
Orel: I think we should get right to the lecture and punishment because I have a lot to do.
Clay: Whoa! Mister Busy!
Orel: You had six months to talk.
Clay: [Angry] The last six months were not filled with you helping a mad woman campaign against me and my job!
Orel: You don't even like your job.
Clay: Like? Like? No-one likes their job! Have you ever listened to anything I've ever said in here? Did all these dead animal heads absorb my words before they reached your delicate little ears?
Orel: Can I go now?
Clay: You know that thing you do with your hands and mouth and throat and stomach? That thing called "eating"? Well say goodbye to that thing forever if I lose my position in this town because of you!
Orel: I will.
Clay: Okay! ...you can go.
Orel: Mister Mayor, I have a sugges-
Clay: Orel?!
Orel: Dad?
Clay: What are you doing here?!
Orel: You're the mayor?
Clay: Yeah, don't remind me. Stinking dead-end job...
Clay: Reverend Moderator, citizens of Moralton, friends, I have been criticized quite intensely for the outlawing of our little gooey breakfast buddies. I have been called a calloused hunter by my esteemed opponent. Does hunting and death really pose such a horrible threat to this town? Death, dear friends, is the best thing ever! Death is the beginning of our everlasting life. The only eggs I smash are the eggs of filth, the inhuman eggs that squeeze with vile evil, through the tantalizingly moist passage of feminine foul temptation, [is now becoming more and more lustful] protruding from our mother, bit by bit, with wrongful, erotic succulence. Completely enveloped by that soiled, evil, maternal opening.

[edit] 3.13 Honor

Orel: Coach?
Daniel: Great, his son.
Orel: Uh, can I ask you something?
Daniel: Look, Orel. Just get out of- Orel, What's wrong with your face?
Orel: Golly. Why?
Daniel: It looks just like you.
Orel: Oh, yeah. It's been like that for a while now.
Orel: Dad?
Clay: [To the stuffed bear] And another thing, growlie, always honor thy father. [Points to a plaque on the wall that reads the 5th Commandment with "and thy mother" crossed out] That commandment wasn't even lost so there's no excuse not to remember it.
Orel: And then he told everyone that I accidentally shot myself or the bear shot me.
Daniel: Or that you got between the bear and him.
Orel: Oh, a new one, I guess.
Daniel: He's got a million of them, kid.
[Daniel takes Orel's crutch and Orel gets onto the ice-rink]
Orel: Wow! you were right!
Daniel: Hey, I never thought I was good with kids.
Orel: Well, you are a grade-school gym teacher.
Daniel: Believe me, that job has nothing to do with being good with kids.
Orel: So, now can you tell me something about my dad so I can respect him again?
Daniel: Mm, not right now. You promised me we could go a wassailing.
Orel: [seeing picture of Clay and Daniel] Coach, you like my dad the way my mom likes my dad, don't you?
Daniel: Your mom likes your dad?
Putty: Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other, but every so often...a miracle happens. A loving family, just like that—out of nowhere. Now, what causes this? A belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows? Who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end. I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The end.

[edit] Lost Commandments

11 Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.

12 Thou shalt only have sex face-to-face, man on top.

13 Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.

14 Thou shalt always clean thy plate and not waste anything, whether thy stomach is full or not.

18 Thou shalt be loyal to all thy friends at the same time.

19 Thou shall not masturbate.

21 Get it right!

29 Everything's fine.

38 Thou shalt never hold a gun without anyone to shoot at.

63 Thou shalt never forget thy loaded a gun when thou has an innocent child in the house.

[Not Numbered] The Lord works in mysterious ways.

[Not Numbered] Spare the rod and spoil the child.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

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